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I want no responsibility, reasonable?

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Lucky Kid

Rough_Rock
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May 29, 2007
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I am a soon to be groom or FI or w/e I become after I propose, getting rock tomorrow, setting in a week and proposing in about 3 weeks. She knows is coming and I want to have the wedding July-Aug 2008. I will be finishing my last year of undergrad and really want to buckle down and get ready for grad school. I told her I want absolutely nothing to do with the wedding, I will show up and get a tux. Is this a reasonable expectation? is this possible for her to do on her own?


I have another question about money.
I plan on saving about 4-5K and then her father will give us 10-15K would that be a respectable budget for lets say 100 people or are we looking at hot dogs and a judge?

Thank You,
Roy
 
style="WIDTH: 99%; HEIGHT: 54px">Date: 6/6/2007 2:35:45 AM
Author:Lucky Kid
I told her I want absolutely nothing to do with the wedding, I will show up and get a tux.
Click to expand...

First, congrats on getting ready to propose! It''s an exciting time for the both of you! However, to answer your main question, I probably wouldn''t flat out telll her quite like that. I don''t know your FF''s personality, but she may not ask for a lot of your input at all. You just might want to gently tell her, that you are going to trust her opinion in most of the planning, so whatever she wants is fine with you. I didn''t expect much out of my groom in terms of planning, but anytime I made an appointment with a vendor, I left it up to him whether or not he wanted to come along, great if he did, no biggie if he didn''t. Good luck!
 
I actually already told her I don''t want anything to do with it, that its her day, my main focus is school and that will benefit us the most. She is fine with that but I think she is excited about the whole idea of getting married and maybe does not know how big of a task it is. I don''t have a clue what all needs to happen but I know there is a lot. I just wanted to make sure its not more then one person can handle so I can plan accordingly and that there are no surprises. Thanks for the congrats and the input!

Roy
 
First, you have a respectable budget.

Second, your request is reasonable. I''m in grad school myself(Family Nurse Practitioner student) so I know who time consuming school can be. And yes, it benefits you both. For me, school comes before the wedding...school actually comes before everything and everyone(family, fiance, etc) because they understand I have worked hard to get to this point and have to give it my all. As long as she has someone else to help her(sister, mother, best friend) she''ll be fine. She could even do it herself, it''s just nicer to have someone to help. But so far I''m about halfway done with my wedding planning, and I still have to finish my last 2 semesters of school(this summer and the fall), take comprehensive finals, and pass my boards before my wedding next may. It can be done, and there will be times you''d be able to help once in a while. It just takes AWESOME time management.
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My husband was 800 miles away, so I had to do all the planning. I kept him in the loop over the phone. He may or may not have been listening. LOL His mother got their invite list together. The cost depends on your location. There are forums out there to help one decide on venue, vendor, etc.
 
Lucky Kid, congratulations!
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In regards to your question about whether or not it is reasonable to voice your desire to have nothing to do with the planning of the wedding, personally, I would not find that to be a reasonable (or considerate) request. I''m sorry if this sounds harsh, but your wedding day is not just her day or just your day; it is a day that both of you share. It is the beginning of your life together and you should plan it as such - together. You might want to divide the tasks according to your talents/interests (i.e.: she does flowers, you do the DJ/band, she does color schemes, you book the limo, etc.). Putting all of the responsibility for your wedding day on your to-be wife is, IMO, inconsiderate (especially if you are fairly certain already that she is underestimating the difficulty of planning a wedding).
Still, that might just be me. I know a lot of women are happy to take the wedding planning burden all upon themselves... I just know that I''m not one of them. Anyway, that’s my two cents.
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Hmm... well, if you said it like that to me I''d be upset! You want "nothing to do with" the wedding?? Is it really just "her day"? Or is it your day, as a couple, where you begin the next stage of your lives??? A statement like that would cause major tears in my neck of the woods.

Of course, my FI doesn''t have the bulk of the responsibility, but his most important task has been to listen to me when I need to vent, to support me when I''m stressed, and occasionally to make a phone call or two. He picked between two invitations, whereas I narrowed it down from 9 million, he called the DJs to set up appointments, but I found the names in the first place. He''s making travel arrangements for our wedding party because he enjoys looking up airfare. He helped come up with the location for the rehearsal dinner and he will work on the song lists for the reception. In short, he''s INVOLVED, but nothing he''s doing is remotely that time consuming. I suppose I could have handled those tasks on my own, but I think I would have gotten resentful and angry if he hadn''t been willing to take on at least one of them. You may buy into the line that it''s "her day" but the way you two make decisions together about the wedding helps prepare for married life. Are you a team or two individuals trying to stay out of each other''s way?
 
Honestly, I think it's a pretty rude statement.

A wedding is the first part of your lives together and while I understand the stresses of being in school (we're BOTH in Ph.D. programs) if my fiance told me he wanted "nothing to do" with the wedding I would be PISSED.

On the other hand, it is PERFECTLY acceptable to tell her that you trust her judgement and would love her to have a special day. Thus, she can make all the decisions on her own (unless she wants your input on something) and you will HELP HER WHEN/WHERE NEEDED.

My fiance made a statement similar to the above, and he has mostly let me make all the decisions. BUT he has also very willingly helped me out when requested. I think that's the best of both worlds for both of us.

I think it's selfish of you though to not offer to help at all. Makes me think too much of the old "this is women's work" or "women belong barefoot and pregnant" thing. This should be a partnership.
 
Makes me wonder when else you are going to want "no responsibility" and then leave it all on her. When clearly you actually have opinions about how it should go down. Why do you see it this way?

Is it because you actually DONT want a standard wedding for 100 but she does? Then it might *might* be reasonable for her to do the bulk of the planning. But that doesn''t sound like the case here. It sounds like you do WANT a standard wedding, you even have a time of year in mind and are thinking about the budget, the number of people, that you will wear a tux, that you do not want a "hot dogs and judge" wedding. So you have some ideas in your head about what you want and what a wedding means to you. Thus I think your proposition is completely ridiculous.

What is going on in her life? Might she have anything important going on in the next year that deserves attention apart from this wedding? Or do you not view whatever she does as worthy of the same level of attention as your life and career?

Try communicating with your soon-to-be FI instead of issuing edicts. What do you both want out of this wedding? What are you willing to contribute? Yes, I don''t think that you should go into wedding planning negotiations with the goal of coming out with Zero responsibility. Life is a partnership. Bring something to the table.

Even if its: "Dear I would be perfectly happy going down to the courthouse next weekend, getting married on St. Kitts over Christmas, or have the 250 person wedding extravaganza next summer that we spend the next five years paying off by eating Raman noodles while I''m in grad school. I am here to help however I can."
 
Not to sound too harsh, but personally I would be appalled if my FI said he wanted ''nothing'' to do with the day that symbolizes the union of two people--I can''t really imagine that. My FI , as others seem to echo, does not do the ''bulk'' of the work, but is fully engaged and immersed in the details and fully ''on board''.
I would chose not to have a wedding and just elope if the logistics of planning such a huge event was not something one half of the relationship wants anything to do with. (and let me tell you it is generally a HUGE job!)

Also, you may want to keep in mind that even if you FI is totally fine with you having zero involvement, you will most likely hear about it 24/7 in the months leading up to the event and you will be talking/thinking about it a lot. I don''t know your GF''s personality, maybe she is really low-key and chill, but for most women the planning takes over everything in the final months leading up to the big day. It''s so much more than I anticipated...
 
I would be in tears if the man I just said yes to marrying then declared he had no interest or was too busy to help with ANY of the wedding planning. I don''t know what your FI will be doing while you finish up undergrad, but I would assume she won''t be sitting on her laurels aside from wedding planning. I don''t expect my BF (soon to be FI) to be as excited or eager as me to do all the research, but if he waved me off if I wanted his help or input on something specific, I would be devastated. I would sit and think "when WON''T life be busy? If he has no interest in helping now, working as a team, what about the rest of our lives? Kids? "Sorry hun, I want to put my all into work so you''ll have to raise them alone. Don''t bug me with questions. Hope that''s ok."

You know her best, so perhaps you feel she''ll appreciate having you out of her hair while she does the planning, but I highly suggest you don''t build a wall between you regarding what should be a day and ceremony celebrating a union.
 
DUDE! You''re getting married! You and her will be partners through life, sorry to have to break it to you but that starts before the actual wedding. Ok fine, she does all the leg work, research, and 99% of the work. HOWEVER you do have to actually be a partner and listen to her!!

You have to listen to her worries and concerns, you have to share in the excitement and the family drama. And you''re probably going to have to weigh in on some things you really don''t care about. We''re not talking about a whole lot of work here. Hopefully you already listen to her and at least have got down the pretending to pay attention part. It''s not going to kill you to occasionally say things like: Honey, I''m not sure what color teal is but if that''s what you want go ahead, or: I prefer X to Y, or: Don''t worry, I''ll talk to my mother and make sure she knows she can''t invite 500 of her closest friends.
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Look, if you don''t want to have any involvement whatsoever including not even hearing about it, pretty soon she''ll start to question if you really want to get married or not no matter how great the proposal was or how beautiful the ring.


Summary:
It''s entirely possible for her to do the work on her own, but you still have to provide moral support and will probably have to weigh in on some decisions.



as for money, a quick run through the knot.com budgeter at $15k gets you $1200 for site rental, and $45 per head for food. As long as you''re not in a major city like NY or SF that sounds very doable to me.
 
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Why not just wait until you graduate to get married? Or will life be too stressful even then to worry about the wedding?
 
Lucky, I have to "WORD!" indie''s entire post. Dude, getting married is a big deal. I understand that you aren''t that interested in the wedding details but you''ve gotta step up and support your woman, even if she''s making all the plans. And believe it or not, you probably WILL have opinions on certain things. Do you REALLY want a pink themed wedding? Do you REALLY want to wear a PINK cumberbund? I''m thinking No. Right? So when she asks you your opinion, you will probably have some things to add to the discussion. I mean, would you tell her, "baby, if you really want kids, go for it, but I have no interest in staying home and helping you raise them." This is YOUR wedding, for BOTH OF YOU. This whole "it''s the bride''s day" is bs, if you ask me. Get with the program. If I were you at this point, and after reading these comments you still want nothing to do with your own wedding, I''d consider holding off proposing until I figured out why I''m so adamant about the biggest day of my life.
 
I get what you are saying - but like all those above, you are not handling this correctly.

If what you really mean is that you don''t have a lot of interest in colour schemes and favour choices then that''s one thing - but zero interest is another.

My FI is not big on wedding planning and said it was all down to me, but boy did he turn into Mr Critical at the last wedding we went to. He analysed every flower arrangement
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I have an arrangement whereby I go and do research, read the bridal **** etc and put together a scrapbook. Once I have ideas finalised or a choice of ideas I do a mini-presentation to FI and he gives his input. It works well - he has to spend 15 minutes giving it his full attention - what he hates is me asking every 10 seconds if he likes this, that or the next thing!

Trust me, most girls want to plan things their way, but you will end up with 100% more stress and hassle if you make it clear you''re not interested. We want an equal life partner and if you say to your FI what you''ve said here, red flags will start waving like crazy. You must put aside some time to ensure that this is your day as a couple - not her''s as a solitary wedding-planner!
 
You have articulated your position. Just be sure she really is "fine"and not giving you the obligatory lip service. You don''t have to have a major production to get married. What you need to do is articulate YOUR specific preferences. If your visions clash, then chances are she will get all the help she needs from other people to make hers the reality. Sometimes we parents tend to live vicariously through our children!

You have taken an extreme postion, but I can''t help but question your motivation. If you refuse to approach the wedding planning task like the much needed diversion that it could be, then maybe you are not ready to get married right now. By all means, don''t do the girl any favors!

If you waited, would you still insist on it being her show? Just curious. And when your lady starts stressing and you turn around and say I told you so... I would have to say that YOU will deserve everything that you get. It will be a learning experience, that''s for sure!
 
I know my wife would have DESTROYED me if I would have told her in anyway that I want nothing to do with planning the wedding. Mainly because it''s not specifically about HER...it''s about you two taking a step as a couple. I agree with the others who said that it is kind of rude to say that you want nothing to do with planning it and I know that if I said that to my wife when we were planning the wedding she would have done a lot of thinking about whether she was even making a good choice to be with me.

My only caution to you would be that if you are saying you want NOTHING to do with the wedding planning...then the weeks, days, day of and ANY day in the future you could not complain about ANY aspect of the wedding even if something goes wrong. I think if my wife planned the entire wedding on her own and then something went wrong and I commented on it or made a small joke about it...it would be a VERY bad time for me. I think that you should atleast be able to work with her in planning it a little. We''re both college students and she is graduating a year early from school and she was taking 19 hours and I was taking 18 hours this past semester and planned our wedding together and it went beautifully. I hope that after you propose and begin wedding plans that you discuss this indepth with her to make SURE that she is ok with you not doing anything for the planning.
 
My hubby had nothing really to do with the planning of our wedding. He sort of sat there making ''uhuh'' noises when I talked to him about arrangements but I planned the whole thing. Luckily for him I really loved it so it didn''t matter and he LOVED the day.

He had a very stressful job at the time and I appreciated that he couldn''t devote a lot of time to planning. He did however come to the florist appointment and also viewed potential venues. That was enough for me.

We are planning to renew our vows soon and he is very very involved this time. The difference is that I am now at work while he is at home with our little boy so he has a lot more time to give.

If you genuinely can''t make a lot of time for planning then try to be at the crucial appointments - venue, food tasting and florists.

Congratulations by the way!
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I know a lot of girls who would LOVE it if their fiance wanted nothing to do with planning. Sometimes the opinions of boys on weddings are... well just plain odd. So, some girls like it when guys just agree to show up and do whatever she says. But know this. No responsabillity= no opinions. What she says will go if you leave the whole thing up to her.
 
your feelings seem valid, but you really need to tweak the delivery a bit.

my husband had nothing to do with our wedding planning. he proposed and then showed up. he told me early on that he trusted my tastes and knew that i would plan a day we would both be happy with. he reassured me many times that while he was not terribly concerned with the details of the wedding, that he was very committed to the marriage itself. to him, the wedding was a symbolic day for us to start our new lives together and the rest of the road was really more important. that made me feel better and i enjoyed planning it on my own. it also helped that he agreed that if he didn''t have any input, he couldn''t complain. in the end, it worked out perfectly for both of us and we enjoyed every minute of the wedding.

the most important thing, though, is whether or not this will be ok with your soon to be fiancee.
 
If my fiance said to me, "I want absolutely nothing to do with the wedding, I will show up and get a tux," I'd be hurt. I don't find that a reasonable or considerate expectation and request. This is YOUR wedding too. YOU and your fiance are getting married. My husband was in grad school when we planned our wedding. We took this into consideration when choosing a date and ultimately decided not to wait until after he graduates. I knew that he had a busy workload. I guess I did most of the work, but he did a lot too. He went to every appointment with me. He showed interest and had a say in most of the decisions we made for our wedding. Most importantly, he was there for me - to listen to me, support me, share the excitements/frustrations, weight in on major decisions, etc. Without all of this, I'd be really difficult to plan a wedding. I wouldn't be too happy planning a wedding for myself and a man who shows no interest and wants absolutely nothing to do with the wedding except getting a tux and showing up.
 
Date: 6/6/2007 2:35:45 AM
Author:Lucky Kid
I told her I want absolutely nothing to do with the wedding, I will show up and get a tux. Is this a reasonable expectation? is this possible for her to do on her own?
Click to expand...

It really all depends on the bride, but I'd guess that she can't.

As everyone else has said, it's your wedding as well as hers. My fiance took a similar attitude at the beginning, but it's funny how he changed his tune once I said, "I think this will be your suit, honey," or "I like this for the cake flavor." I've given him a couple of tasks, such as building the wedding website and choosing what kind of cake we'll have. He's also in charge of finding the music. Plus, I ask him what he thinks of anything before I decide/order. It's pretty funny how much of an opinion he has on everything, being a guy that was 'fine with whatever'.

You don't have to take on half of the wedding planning, but take on as much as your bride needs you to. She might need your opinions. Give 'em to her! She might need you to take care of your side of the guest list, or the invitations. This doesn't take long, and you can do it while finishing college. I was in your EXACT situation: I graduate from college this Sunday, and I've been planning for the last year. My fiance is working a full time job plus ~5 more hours a day doing freelance, and he can do it.

Planning a wedding alone isn't easy. Be there for her if and when she may need you.
 
For all my opinions on the man contributing and being a real partner, I have to admit that my DH''s role was somewhat... managerial.

The general format of the wedding was a combination of what we both wanted in a wedding ( I wanted a beach wedding + he wanted an immediate family only wedding == hawaiian beach wedding with 8 other people) Other than that it went a little something like this: I''d do all the research and present him with a few options, and he''d pick one (usually the one I wanted anyway). He also had the occasional very strong opinion (otherwise known as a command from on high). But he was interested and he did care, and that meant alot to me.

You don''t really have to do anything, but you do have to show that you care and are interested. If you can''t manage that then you shouldn''t be getting engaged quite yet.

On the subject of packaging it correctly. Instead of saying that you want absolutely nothing to do with the wedding, you should instead say that you want her to have the wedding of her dreams. Saying stuff like that will have a much better effect.

Good luck!
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p.s. I hope we haven''t chased you off!
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Seems like a lot of the same responses. Our relationship is a little different then most. It is a partnership and we have great communication but we have a good deal of division of tasks. She does not want her job to be a necessity in our marriage. I would like her to be able to stay at home and spend time with our future children. This leaves me as the sole breadwinner for the family which I am perfectly comfortable with. I plan on a career in academia and the amount of effort I put in now will greatly reduce the effort and increase potential earnings later on. I really planned on getting a BA and calling it quits until my Jr. year so I was fine with an average GPA however now I need to work double time to get it back up to where it needs to be for a top Ph.D. Program(not to mention I am picking up a math degree as well as Econ so 21creds all U/G classes + undergrad research). She is fine with making all of the decisions in the wedding, I actually told her the exact words in the post and she thought it was a good idea. I am a little over ambitious and when I get involved in something I really get involved. It is in our best interest that I put my focus on school, I was simply wondering if she would be able to plan the wedding on her own. I know it is quite an undertaking and was unsure if it was possible(with in reason) for one person to plan a wedding in about a year.
As for my ideas of a wedding, I simply want my parents sister and a few friends there the rest I really have no opinion on, however I would like to go to Hawaii for our honeymoon.
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I would wait until I am out of school but then we are looking at ~2013

So lets say it does get a little to intense what are the options for a wedding planner? What do they typically cost?

Thanks,
Roy
 
Will she have any help from her family or even her maid of honor? They are usually a big help in the planning process. Depending on how long you plan to stay engaged, planning a wedding is totally manageable. Planners aren''t just for the rich and famous now, a lot of them have packages that can be built around what you want/need.
 
I have done all the planning formy own wedding and significantly planned other's weddings. For our wedding, I don't like input from other's unless I can't decide on something myself, then I look for advice-- primarily from FI. That's usually a matter of 'honey do you like, A or B better." As long as you can provide a sounding board from time to time, and your lady is a planner (I am), and you guys hire a DAY OF coordinator I think you'll be fine. You will need to emotionally support her though especially if there is any likelihood of family interferance or misbehaving.

It sounds like she is fine with it. Keep a plan B in mind... hire a day of wedding planner who is willing to do more if need be.
 
 
Date: 6/6/2007 6:13:28 PM
Author: Lucky Kid
Seems like a lot of the same responses. Our relationship is a little different then most. It is a partnership and we have great communication but we have a good deal of division of tasks. She does not want her job to be a necessity in our marriage. I would like her to be able to stay at home and spend time with our future children. This leaves me as the sole breadwinner for the family which I am perfectly comfortable with. I plan on a career in academia and the amount of effort I put in now will greatly reduce the effort and increase potential earnings later on. I really planned on getting a BA and calling it quits until my Jr. year so I was fine with an average GPA however now I need to work double time to get it back up to where it needs to be for a top Ph.D. Program(not to mention I am picking up a math degree as well as Econ so 21creds all U/G classes + undergrad research). She is fine with making all of the decisions in the wedding, I actually told her the exact words in the post and she thought it was a good idea. I am a little over ambitious and when I get involved in something I really get involved. It is in our best interest that I put my focus on school, I was simply wondering if she would be able to plan the wedding on her own. I know it is quite an undertaking and was unsure if it was possible(with in reason) for one person to plan a wedding in about a year.
As for my ideas of a wedding, I simply want my parents sister and a few friends there the rest I really have no opinion on, however I would like to go to Hawaii for our honeymoon.
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I would wait until I am out of school but then we are looking at ~2013

So lets say it does get a little to intense what are the options for a wedding planner? What do they typically cost?

Thanks,
Roy
Click to expand...
roy, thanks for giving a little background on the situation, it certainly makes it easier to assist you with your question.

First, I do not know what the cost of a wedding planner would be, but I''m sure if you do a search for wedding planners in your area, call a few to determine their rates, you''ll have your answer.

Second, I think your fiancee is probably capable of planning a wedding on her own with the help of close friends and family, BUT, you may need to schedule some time outside of your studies to visit narrowed-down venue possibilities, then a food and possibly cake tasting, maybe help with the guest list and seating arrangement, and most likely go over the wedding budget (unless someone else is footing the entire bill), and at least look at her choices as far as band/DJ, colors, flowers, and if you are going the traditional route, talk to your own family about the rehearsal dinner. Quite possibly i have left out a few minor things, but what I listed above will be pretty important to your FI and she will want to share things with you as she plans, so please try to devote a little time to her as things progress with her planning.

Best of luck to you with your academic activities and with your wedding planning, whether you choose a wedding planner or not!
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Date: 6/6/2007 2:35:45 AM
Author:Lucky Kid
I told her I want absolutely nothing to do with the wedding, I will show up and get a tux.
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Dude, I''d be totally fine with doing it all.

And then I''d order you a pink tux.
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Seriously, some chicks (albeit a minority on this board) don''t care. I''m one of them. Granted, if TGuy said he wanted "absolutely nothing" to do with the wedding, I''d ask him if I needed to get a stand in groom (and make sure he was hotter than TGuy for kicks). But if he said "I want to focus on studying, so would you be OK taking the burden of planning this wedding?" I''d say hell yeah! Go away and stay away!
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My husband had no interest in the planning our wedding either. So I didn''t demand he pick pink or blue but I told him everytime a major decision was about to be made...just in case something didn''t sound right. The only thing he wanted input about was the music and I let him pick that. It worked out perfectly and has for 25 years. Just remember if you trust her choices now you can''t complain later. And you have to back her up on everything in case there is a disagrement between you guys and parents, in-laws, etc. Good luck!
 
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