I want no responsibility, reasonable?

[anchor31]

I just want to say that you might want to be careful with how you deliver the message... If my FI had told me ''honey, I really want to marry you, but the details of the wedding day itself don''t really matter to me, so would you be okay planning it by yourself the way you want it?'', I would have said, ''ok, let''s elope!'' But if he''d said ''I want nothing to do with the wedding'', my reaction probably would have been ''are you sure you want to marry me?''

 

[ammayernyc]

Ugh. Another prime example of why people should wait until they are a little older to get married.

 

[Lucky Kid]

Date: 6/7/2007 9:32:13 AM
Author: AmandaPanda
Ugh. Another prime example of why people should wait until they are a little older to get married.

We were thinking of waiting till I was done with school but according to our plan she would be pregnant with our second child and we would be just shy of 30

. I could be going to Grad school anywhere, from London to CA to east coast, We love each other and want to get married now and now will make the most sence. The reason I am trying so hard is so we can stay close to our family while I am in grad school and if in order to do that she has to take on the task of planning the entire wedding and she is willing to. As I said before I would have to stay completly out of planning the wedding or else I would obsess about it. My personality doesen''t let me pick a cake or a dress, I would end up calling all the vendors finding the best deal and follow the entire process the way I think is right. She understands that and thats why she was perfectly fine with my wording and the idea. My initial question was simply whether or not it was possible(with in reason) which I have received several answers on.

Thank You,
Roy

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 6/7/2007 12:09:57 PM
Author: Lucky Kid
We were thinking of waiting till I was done with school but according to our plan she would be pregnant with our second child and we would be just shy of 30

Hmmm ... don''t you think raising a child is gonna be time-consuming too ... or is that also an "all her" job??

Basically, I think people are trying to tell you that no matter WHAT your "personality" is ... ADULTS have to learn how to split their focus. It''s part of growing up. And CERTAINLY (imo) something you should master before a) getting married or b) having KIDS!!! Believe it or not -- it''s probably a skill even more crucial for LIFE & career advancement than any post-graduate education. If you feel that your personality is keeping you stuck in this all or nothing, black or white thinking -- perhaps a therapist could help you find another path.

 

[ammayernyc]

Date: 6/7/2007 12:09:57 PM
Author: Lucky Kid

Date: 6/7/2007 9:32:13 AM
Author: AmandaPanda
Ugh. Another prime example of why people should wait until they are a little older to get married.

We were thinking of waiting till I was done with school but according to our plan she would be pregnant with our second child and we would be just shy of 30

. I could be going to Grad school anywhere, from London to CA to east coast, We love each other and want to get married now and now will make the most sence. The reason I am trying so hard is so we can stay close to our family while I am in grad school and if in order to do that she has to take on the task of planning the entire wedding and she is willing to. As I said before I would have to stay completly out of planning the wedding or else I would obsess about it. My personality doesen''t let me pick a cake or a dress, I would end up calling all the vendors finding the best deal and follow the entire process the way I think is right. She understands that and thats why she was perfectly fine with my wording and the idea. My initial question was simply whether or not it was possible(with in reason) which I have received several answers on.

Thank You,
Roy

While I appreciate what you are saying, the title of your post is ''I want no responsiblity, reasonable?'' Basically, my answer is: NO.

You have a steady timeline which to anyone who has lived a little is silly. Nothing every really works like that. If you want to have your 2.5 kids by the time you are 31, get married at City Hall and save the wedding for a time when you''ll be able to have some sort of input. I think it''s just immature to say, ''here honey, have this ring... Now get to it!''

 

[chrono]

Deco,
I don''t want to speak for Lucky Kid but from his post of her quiting her job to raise their children, it sounds like this is also going to be "all her" job too while he is studing for his post Graduate studies. Maybe she is okay with that but not ME. When my dad was doing his post graduate studies, he still made time for us two kids and did his share of parenting. He didn''t just dump all resposibility on my mom, but of course he did less because of school work, which I understand. Same thing with the wedding planning, maybe she is okay with it?

 

[Gypsy]

I have a very focused personality. I too had difficulty with focusing on too much on one thing, to the detriment of others. And if I got involved in something I would not be able to let go. That said, I didn''t throw my hands up and say, "Oh well, that''s how I am live with it." To everyone around me. I changed... slowly and with effort but I have learned how to delegate, and not micromanage once I have. I have learned to be an advisor and to recognize that while I may do something one way, others may do them differently and yet we end up with the same result at the end regardless of the path. That I have to put my faith in those I trust, and part of that faith is theirs in me, that if they get stuck or need help I will help them-- without micromanaging or getting obsessive.

It is a VERY VERY important skill in business. Especially in Academia you have to be able to split your focus to not micromanage or take over projects in order to allow others to learn in their own way, to allow them to express thier creativity and push their limits.

And it is crucial in life. Raising children requires the ability to step back and let them fall... so that they can learn how to get themselves pick themselves up. Learn to problem solve and learn to trust themselves and have confidence in themselves.

Also, you have to learn to be more balanced in you want a successful marriage. Ten years down the road when your wife is fed up with having a ''provider'' instead of a ''husband'' telling her "but I TOLD you it would be like this, I warned you" is going to be cold comfort.

Finally, consider your focus. What is more important to you? Being successful at your job, and being a good provider? Or being a good husband and father? The two choices are NOT mutually exclusive-- not unless you want them to be. Especially for men. You can have both... but only if you TRY.

I suggest you try now, while you are young and more open to change.

 

[Mara]

hehee...well my husband is pretty much like you...in terms of wedding planning i would estimate it was 99% me and 1% him. basically what he did was help me scope out where we wanted to get married (trip to hawaii, met with coordinators and vendors), ask his groomsmen, work with them on their flight/travel stuff (we got married in hawaii so it was destination), gather their measurements via email (though i helped with this), and then go with them to pick up the stuff. then on hawaii he helped out with some final vendor meetings. oh and he wrote checks for the payments, hehee. and he gave me his opinion when i asked for it, but most of the time it was 'sure, whatever you want!'

i did absolutely everything else on my own with help from my mom and a few friends. but that is how we work for the most part. he calls me the COO because i like to handle the 'operational' details of our life. anything related to the household or planning anything is all me. i like being in charge of that kind of stuff...and quite honestly the 'big day' was not about all the fanfare to him. it was quite simply about getting married to me. oh he also wrote vows that were quite nice!

i know that many women would probably demand more from their spouse-to-be...but i know how he is and what makes him happy and unhappy and being tasked with assisting me on things he could really care less about would not have made him happy. when i registered, i got him a bunch of barware stuff since i know he LOVES playing bartender at parties and the like, and that made him happy. getting married to me made him happy, the honeymoon made him happy. he's pretty simple about stuff like that and again the wedding itself was not really his thing, he loved it and had a fab time and we have a ton of great memories we always refer to, but he would have hated actually planning any of it or being tasked to assist.

and that is totally fine with me! he is just not a planner. he has surprised me with a few things here and there (my 30th bday party he planned with one of my best friends and it was fab and i was so surprised!) but for the most part he prefers i handle most everything like that. and i love doing it, so it works out. and he always loves whatever i plan so i think that makes it easy on him hehe. he's got it good!

anyway rambling now, but you know your relationship with her the best....better than any of us. maybe telling her you don't want to have much to do with it won't upset her, or maybe it will, only you know. if my fiance told me that i'd probably laugh and say 'yeah i knew that already!'....but some women might be upset you aren't more involved with 'the big day' or whatever....expectations are a big thing and delivery could be a great part of it.

i think i might have had him help me seal envelopes or something one night though hehee so you might get tapped for operational items from time to time...but maybe she'll be okay with planning it all herself. good luck and pre-engagement congrats!

 

[surfgirl]

I have to laugh at the "according to the plan she'll be pregnant with our second child and we'll be almost 30" as if it's like being 30 is one foot in the grave. Lucky, in my humble opinion, and being over 30, I can tell you that in my experience, most people should want UNTIL they're 30, or more mature or whatever, before they have kids anyway. It sounds like your 'life plan' is pretty strict. Life it to be lived, my friend. Explored and enjoyed. One cant do that if one is obsessed with "sticking to the life plan"...Just my two cents which you didn't ask for.

ETA: given you obvious feelings about planning your own wedding and the fact that you seem to have a similar plan for child rearing, I'd encourage you both to invest in a bit of pre-marital couples counseling to make sure you both really want to live your life this way.

 

[sumbride]

Everything sounds VERY strict. Life isn''t lived in a straight line very often. Good luck on your plan, but learn to be flexible. I''m not wishing this on you, by any means, but what if either of you have fertility problems? What if you can''t find a job that can support both of you? What if one of you gets sick? These things happen and I usually find people with such stringent life plans have a really hard time coping with contingencies.

And I can assure you that my life has not turned out even a little bit like I thought it would. It is much better! But am I where I thought I''d be now? No. I don''t want to be where I thought I''d be! My 30th birthday is Sunday and life is just beginning! Thank god I didn''t stick to any plan I established as an undergrad! Had I done that, THEN I would have failed myself! Being open to possibilities is the best plan out there. You never know what life really has in store for you. Hang on and enjoy the ride.

 

[anchor31]

Date: 6/7/2007 12:09:57 PM
Author: Lucky Kid

Date: 6/7/2007 9:32:13 AM
Author: AmandaPanda
Ugh. Another prime example of why people should wait until they are a little older to get married.

We were thinking of waiting till I was done with school but according to our plan she would be pregnant with our second child and we would be just shy of 30

. I could be going to Grad school anywhere, from London to CA to east coast, We love each other and want to get married now and now will make the most sence. The reason I am trying so hard is so we can stay close to our family while I am in grad school and if in order to do that she has to take on the task of planning the entire wedding and she is willing to. As I said before I would have to stay completly out of planning the wedding or else I would obsess about it. My personality doesen''t let me pick a cake or a dress, I would end up calling all the vendors finding the best deal and follow the entire process the way I think is right. She understands that and thats why she was perfectly fine with my wording and the idea. My initial question was simply whether or not it was possible(with in reason) which I have received several answers on.

Thank You,
Roy

I''m a 22-year-old college undergrad and a bride-to-be who hopes to become a stay-at-home mom someday... And my answer to that is So what if you don''t have kids before 30?? Is it so dramatic? It''s not like you''re going to die at 30... My mother was married at 19, trying to conceive at 21, but she got pregnant with my older brother at 28. As others have said, try to be more flexible... Life isn''t all plans.

 

[Lucky Kid]

Maybe I will wait a few weeks and just have her post. for those who havent read I told her before I posted that "I wanted nothing to do with the wedding, its your day, I trust you and you can plan it. I need to focus on school" her reply "of course". The question was about the work load. I guess our idea of being compliments to each other as a form of cooperation and working together is odd to people...

Thanks,
Roy

 

[ammayernyc]

Date: 6/7/2007 3:54:29 PM
Author: Lucky Kid
Maybe I will wait a few weeks and just have her post. for those who havent read I told her before I posted that ''I wanted nothing to do with the wedding, its your day, I trust you and you can plan it. I need to focus on school'' her reply ''of course''. The question was about the work load. I guess our idea of being compliments to each other as a form of cooperation and working together is odd to people...

Thanks,
Roy

If you already knew the answer to the question, then why did you ask it on a public forum?

 

[Lucky Kid]

Please try reading the post carefully, "I told her I want absolutely nothing to do with the wedding"

I was asking if the workload was reasonable

"is this possible for her to do on her own? "

Thanks,
Roy

 

[sumbride]

Date: 6/7/2007 3:54:29 PM
Author: Lucky Kid
Maybe I will wait a few weeks and just have her post. for those who havent read I told her before I posted that ''I wanted nothing to do with the wedding, its your day, I trust you and you can plan it. I need to focus on school'' her reply ''of course''. The question was about the work load. I guess our idea of being compliments to each other as a form of cooperation and working together is odd to people...

Thanks,
Roy

I don''t think it''s cooperation that is odd to people... it''s the strong divisiveness you seem set on. My fiance and I complement each other in many areas, but if he needs help with "his job" I pitch in. He does the dishes 99% of the time, but if the dishes need to be done and he''s not around to do them, I do them. If he asks for help, I help. I think the "team" component of being a married couple is what we''re missing in your posts.

I understand that you aren''t remotely interested in listening to our points of view, but remember that differing points of view are often a side-effect of posting on a public forum... particularly a forum full of brides who are OBVIOUSLY completely different than your intended.

 

[Selkie]

Date: 6/7/2007 3:54:29 PM
Author: Lucky Kid
Maybe I will wait a few weeks and just have her post. for those who havent read I told her before I posted that ''I wanted nothing to do with the wedding, its your day, I trust you and you can plan it. I need to focus on school'' her reply ''of course''. The question was about the work load. I guess our idea of being compliments to each other as a form of cooperation and working together is odd to people...


Thanks,

Roy

It''s not an issue of how you guys want to run your lives. We all have our own way of complementing each other and sharing workloads, and to each his own. It''s more an issue of how we are interpreting your attitude toward her and your (yes, YOUR) wedding, depending on how you delivered the message to HER. Now you are telling us you worded it differently from your original, rather blunt, and I think, harsh quote: "I told her I want absolutely nothing to do with the wedding, I will show up and get a tux." I think many of us are just saying, try to maybe be a little more diplomatic in your approach. And be a little more aware of the tone of the forum you are posting in, in the first place. If you didn''t want an earful about how people perceive your attitude towards life and marriage, ask a straightforward question, and you''ll get straightforward answers to that question. Did you really not think about how that first post sounded, especially to a FORUM FULL OF WOMEN PLANNING WEDDINGS?

 

[Lucky Kid]

Date: 6/7/2007 4:15:41 PM
Author: sumbride

I understand that you aren''t remotely interested in listening to our points of view, but remember that differing points of view are often a side-effect of posting on a public forum... particularly a forum full of brides who are OBVIOUSLY completely different than your intended.

I would love to hear input on how hard a wedding was to plan, or if it was possible or would be possible to plan one on your own.

Thanks,
Roy

 

[anchor31]

Weddings are difficult, stressful and very time consuming for most brides. I wouldn''t be able to plan this by myself without the help of my FI. If you don''t want to help the woman you want to propose to, the least you can do is hire her a wedding planner.

 

[Lucky Kid]

Date: 6/7/2007 4:18:33 PM
Author: Selkie


It''s not an issue of how you guys want to run your lives. We all have our own way of complementing each other and sharing workloads, and to each his own. It''s more an issue of how we are interpreting your attitude toward her and your (yes, YOUR) wedding, depending on how you delivered the message to HER. Now you are telling us you worded it differently from your original, rather blunt, and I think, harsh quote: ''I told her I want absolutely nothing to do with the wedding, I will show up and get a tux.'' I think many of us are just saying, try to maybe be a little more diplomatic in your approach. And be a little more aware of the tone of the forum you are posting in, in the first place. If you didn''t want an earful about how people perceive your attitude towards life and marriage, ask a straightforward question, and you''ll get straightforward answers to that question. Did you really not think about how that first post sounded, especially to a FORUM FULL OF WOMEN PLANNING WEDDINGS?

I was more concerned with the wording to get across that I didn''t want to help at all and if that was possible vs. sounding like a dream husband...

Roy

 

[ammayernyc]

Date: 6/7/2007 4:20:50 PM
Author: Lucky Kid

Date: 6/7/2007 4:15:41 PM
Author: sumbride

I understand that you aren''t remotely interested in listening to our points of view, but remember that differing points of view are often a side-effect of posting on a public forum... particularly a forum full of brides who are OBVIOUSLY completely different than your intended.

I would love to hear input on how hard a wedding was to plan, or if it was possible or would be possible to plan one on your own.

Thanks,
Roy

I think you should post that question (since it doesn''t seem like that''s the question you''re asking in your title). How about, ''Would it be possible to plan a wedding on your own'' as the title and then give a little background info like, where the wedding will be held, how many people, how fancy... things that people can post helpful answers to.

 

[Lucky Kid]

Date: 6/7/2007 4:24:15 PM
Author: anchor31
Weddings are difficult, stressful and very time consuming for most brides. I wouldn''t be able to plan this by myself without the help of my FI. If you don''t want to help the woman you want to propose to, the least you can do is hire her a wedding planner.

Awesome! this is the reply I was looking for! Do you mind telling me what the most difficult aspects were? How large was your wedding?

Thanks,
Roy

 

[anchor31]

I haven''t finished planning it yet. The most difficult part for us is actually dealing with our families. I''m afraid you won''t be able to stay away from that one... If YOUR family causes trouble YOU will have to deal with it. My FI has a hard enough time dealing with them himself, if I had to do it I''d probably be dead or in jail (I''m half-kidding; they are horrid, evil people)!

 

[Lucky Kid]

Date: 6/7/2007 4:25:40 PM
Author: AmandaPanda
then give a little background info like, where the wedding will be held, how many people, how fancy... things that people can post helpful answers to.

I know its going to be around 100 people and we have about 14-20K, the rest is up to her. But I am pretty sure she wants indoors and more traditional. It is going to be a Jewish wedding so it may or may not be in a temple. I think she will expend the entire budget.

Thanks,
Roy

 

[Selkie]

Date: 6/7/2007 4:24:27 PM
Author: Lucky Kid

Date: 6/7/2007 4:18:33 PM

Author: Selkie



It''s not an issue of how you guys want to run your lives. We all have our own way of complementing each other and sharing workloads, and to each his own. It''s more an issue of how we are interpreting your attitude toward her and your (yes, YOUR) wedding, depending on how you delivered the message to HER. Now you are telling us you worded it differently from your original, rather blunt, and I think, harsh quote: ''I told her I want absolutely nothing to do with the wedding, I will show up and get a tux.'' I think many of us are just saying, try to maybe be a little more diplomatic in your approach. And be a little more aware of the tone of the forum you are posting in, in the first place. If you didn''t want an earful about how people perceive your attitude towards life and marriage, ask a straightforward question, and you''ll get straightforward answers to that question. Did you really not think about how that first post sounded, especially to a FORUM FULL OF WOMEN PLANNING WEDDINGS?

I was more concerned with the wording to get across that I didn''t want to help at all and if that was possible vs. sounding like a dream husband...


Roy

Well, then, you said it perfectly. Never mind. I''m just pointing out why you might not be getting the answer you want here to your question.

I''ve done all the wedding planning on my own, with minimal input from FI, but that''s because I''m from the area where the wedding will be, it''s a small wedding, and I''m a pretty organized person who knows what she wants. FI is providing moral support, money when needed, and assistance with minor things that he is interested in, such as the style of his tux. And honestly, those things all have taken MAYBE an hour or two, on a weekend day. If you can contribute at least that much, I almost guarantee she''ll be thrilled.

 

[Dogmom]

Date: 6/7/2007 3:54:29 PM
Author: Lucky Kid
The question was about the work load. I guess our idea of being compliments to each other as a form of cooperation and working together is odd to people...

Sheesh. How is telling her you want NOTHING to do with planning your wedding day being cooperative?

Planning a wedding is hard work and stressful, especially when doing it alone.

 

[sumbride]

Date: 6/7/2007 4:20:50 PM
Author: Lucky Kid

Date: 6/7/2007 4:15:41 PM
Author: sumbride

I understand that you aren''t remotely interested in listening to our points of view, but remember that differing points of view are often a side-effect of posting on a public forum... particularly a forum full of brides who are OBVIOUSLY completely different than your intended.

I would love to hear input on how hard a wedding was to plan, or if it was possible or would be possible to plan one on your own.

Thanks,
Roy

Ok. I highlighted all the things that required his input.

Engaged in August 2006. Immediately WE had to figure out where (city and state) and when (month and year) to have the wedding. This was a mutual decision because there is no way I could have decided that without some input from my FI, as well as family and friends on both sides! After comparing schedules for all the major players and our venue of choice, we were able to set a date. That took 3 weeks and about 100 phone calls and emails. It was by far one of the most difficult components and once we narrowed it down to state, we only had one venue in mind! It would be much harder to go look at other venues. Then we picked our wedding party. That ended up being emotional for my FI... which brother to make the best man.

We set the date for October 2007, which gave me 14 months to plan. Most of the decisions were made in the first 6 months and I relied on my mother, my sister, my sister-in-law, my bridesmaids, my FIANCE, and my friends to make most of them. We had to locate and select:

Color scheme - he vetoed a few before he agreed to what I wanted
my dress - my mom went with me
officiant - my mom''s friend, we met and approved
photographer - a bridesmaid''s recommendation
dj - mom''s contact, we interviewed
cake lady - mom''s contact, we tasted
florist - mom''s contact, flowers picked by me
bridesmaid dresses - they picked, I picked the designer
flower girl dresses - help from my sister-in-law
tux shop - mom''s recommendation
tuxedos - FI picked
wedding bands - jeweler designed, we approved
menu - catering manager helped, but our decision
wedding cake - me and my FI did this
invitations - me with input from mom and FI
hotels for hotel blocks - Me, my mom, FI, and my mom''s assistant
music - me and FI
chairs - Mom
chair covers -Me
rehearsal dinner location -FI
rehearsal dinner budget and guest list - FI and me, and then his mom
honeymoon - location, dates, airfare, resort, activities - both FI and Me

And that''s not all. But no, there''s no way I could have done it all on my own. If he hadn''t helped me, I would have been able to rely on other people, but there would have been a fair amount of confusion and resentment toward him.

 

[Lucky Kid]

Date: 6/7/2007 4:32:03 PM
Author: anchor31
I haven''t finished planning it yet. The most difficult part for us is actually dealing with our families. I''m afraid you won''t be able to stay away from that one... If YOUR family causes trouble YOU will have to deal with it. My FI has a hard enough time dealing with them himself, if I had to do it I''d probably be dead or in jail (I''m half-kidding; they are horrid, evil people)!

Thank you, I figured my parents are going to be a handful and I am capping the bottle now. My father is slighly anti-semetic simply out of ignorance and watching too much dateline reporting on the conflicts around Isreal, so I have been very blunt about my stance along with a little information and it seems to be working, my sister and mother are very "LOOK AT ME" so I have been trying to impress the issue of it being my G/F''s wedding. Your input is very helpful and I will try to get it taken care of before the end of summer.
Thanks,
Roy

 

[sumbride]

Date: 6/7/2007 4:32:03 PM
Author: anchor31
I haven''t finished planning it yet. The most difficult part for us is actually dealing with our families. I''m afraid you won''t be able to stay away from that one... If YOUR family causes trouble YOU will have to deal with it. My FI has a hard enough time dealing with them himself, if I had to do it I''d probably be dead or in jail (I''m half-kidding; they are horrid, evil people)!

I totally agree. The best thing my FI has done is keep his mother away from me!!! All phone calls from her go through him! All questions to and from her go through him! All arguing with her is done by him! Amazingly she thinks I like her. This is how we keep it that way!

 

[Jas12]

Your time-line thing is funny--kids can''t be ordered up before the age of 30--but who knows, it may happen the way you envision it. Kinda like the wedding...there will be a lot of unplanned things to contend with--some good, some bad. If your FI does take this on by herself support her in other ways and plan one heck of a honeymoon after b/c it is SO much work.

I mentioned the discussion aspect in my other post. She will be talking about plans, making guests lists, paying deposits etc. You should decide how/if you guys will talk about this together. Or does this fall into your "nothing" colmn
She may be all "of course I''ll do everything" right now-high off the prospect of engagement--but a few months from now when she''s carrying the burden of all the demands, appointments, payments, decisions and needs someone to vent to, what will you do? Talk about this for sure to avoid arguments later.

Also, if you do change your mind, know that you CAN multitask. I teach full-time, take correspondence grad work, volunteer, run my household, get to the gym everyday and still find time to plan a complicated wedding! It is possible.

 

[princesss]

Quite frankly, after hearing some horror stories you dealing with your family and keeping their issues away from her and her happy planning (hopefully with a wedding planner...the planner could probably relieve some stress leaving you with a still semi-sane FI) would be really helpful. If you''re fine with it being completely her wedding (down to wearing pink if she loves it) I think the best thing you can do is hire a wedding planner and keep your family from stressing her out. I will say I admire that you can see that they''d be a problem now and are making it clear she''s your priority.