If marriage is very important to you

[Erin]

Swt Acacia''s post got me thinking, I wonder if a poll would put things in perspective?
If marriage is really important to you and you''ve already found ''the one,'' what if your SO decided marriage wasn''t for him/her?

 

[leeenie]

Neither. If I wanted to marry someone and they didn''t want to marry me, I wouldn''t think of them as "the one." Sorry if that sounds harsh, but...how can someone be the one if he doesn''t want to marry you? Doesn''t reciprocate your feelings towards him? A relationship is supposed to be mutual.

 

[lilmaria]

I voted no, but my family would have to be okay w/me as i want children and woudl have to have them out of wedlock. (such old terminology). I love my dear and I told him that I''d have to leave if he wasn''t into marriage but that''s cause I don''t want to have a child w/out being married first. I don''t think I could actually do it though. Everything else is just too good to pass up. Hopefully I won''t have to deal with this question in real life since he seems excited to get married...he says its just a few weeks till the ring! crossing my fingers...lol

 

[decodelighted]

At my old, ancient age - 38 ... I''ve known quite a few couples who had one member who "didn''t want marraige" but it later turned out they didn''t want to marry their current partner - but ended up married almost immediately after the "non-marraige" relationship ends (usually because the one who wanted to wed - leaves) It''s SCARY how quickly people change their tune when they''re head-over-heels for someone new.

Truly healthy, two-way, nurturing relationships are negotiations where BOTH partners needs are met as much as possible. If one partner DOESN''T want to get married & one DOES ... it''s hard to meet both''s needs. And probably wouldn''t continue being a good relationship for long, as the one who DOES want it is sure to feel resentment.

I compare it - in the crassest possible way - to waiting around at a job for a "promotion". Sometimes the people at your job only see you one way. In one role. In order to "move up" you have to go somewhere else - for them to "see you differently."

 

[sunkist]

A lot of my feelings on this are religious. But from a simple relationship point of view, marriage is the ultimate promise and commitment to the person you love. I wouldn''t want to spend my whole life with someone who wasn''t head over heals enough to make this commitement and make it legally, on paper, etc.

 

[stermag]

Deco, Teagreen - very well said.

The fraction of me who wanted to say "No, I wouldn''t leave" is the same one that sometimes tells me that I''m not that important, that I shouldn''t think of myself and that I don''t deserve to have my dreams fulfilled or expectations met - all rubbish.

It is precisely as Deco said - it is about negotiation, and there is virtually no way to meet in the middle on this one.

 

[Rhapsody]

I voted no.

My parents didn''t get married until I was in high school, and then they did it because at my dads new job (he had been self employed up to that point) the benefits for married couples were too good to pass up. They''ve been together 27 years and would have been together married or not.

Marriage was never a goal for me. A relationship was. So I would not leave a good relationship if my partner didn''t want marriage. In fact, I faced this choice when my boyfriend told me he did not want to get married. He had philosphical objections to it. Mostly, his recent experiences as a groomsman had put him off because of the religious aspect of it (we''re both atheists). He didn''t like the idea that we needed outside recognition to make our relationship "real". And you know, I kinda agree with his view point.

At the end of the day he decided that he wanted to be with me for the rest of his life and even though marriage wasn''t important to him it was something I wanted and he wanted to make me happy, so getting married we are. But no wedding

 

[aljdewey]

You mentioned something about timing being off in your poll. Someone saying "marriage isn''t for me" isn''t just an issue of timing being off for me. To me, timing being off is more like ''I''m ready now (at 25), and he doesn''t want to marry before he''s 30''.

Timing being off suggests both WANT to marry at some point.

Date: 3/28/2006 7:14:23 PM
Author:Starset Princess

If marriage is really important to you and you''ve already found ''the one,'' what if your SO decided marriage wasn''t for him/her?

Given the rash of "offended"s around here lately, I''ll preface with the disclaimer that the following is ONLY my *opinion*.

If marriage were that important to me, I don''t think I''d be able to stay in the relationship. There are, I''m sure, at least a dozen different exceptions to this, but IN GENERAL, I don''t think I could stay if marriage was really important to me. I''d feel like I was giving up an important piece of myself, and I think I''d resent it over time.

I think it would be difficult for me to avoid wondering from time to time if the resistance was really to marriage or really to me. I''d wonder why marriage "wasn''t for him", and why that couldn''t be overcome by his feelings for me. And, I guess I''d wonder (based on pretty repetitive historical behavior in general) if he reeeeeeeeeeeally didn''t want to marry PERIOD, or if he just didn''t want to marry me (a la When Harry met Sally).

I''d feel like I was settling for what I could get instead of finding what truly makes me happy.

If I wanted marriage, and the man I was seeing didn''t, then I''d have to accept that he''s not really "the one". I believe that there is more than one "right" person out there....there are probably a few people who all have potential to be "the one". The key is being in the same place at the same time, and wanting the same things at the same time. And when you find THAT ''one'', no one else will do.

 

[plantationcatt]

I wouldn''t end the relationship solely for that reason, or immediately. But it is a very important part of a relationship. I would say stay with that person for a while and see if their feelings change...it''s really not a black and white answer.

 

[plantationcatt]

I just re read my post and I didn''t get across that marriage is extremely important to me, and I could never give that up. So personally I couldn''t stay with someone who wouldn''t marry me...but I would perhaps stay with someone who couldn''t see it in the immediate future. That''s really what I meant.

 

[swt_acacia]

Heh. Yes this is definitely something I think about a lot. It''s just so hard to weigh unknowns (the future of a relationship, a marriage that may or may not ever exist, future feelings about a significant other or yourself) I wish I had an answer to this poll I felt confident in.

 

[swt_acacia]

There''s also the question of WHY marriage is so important to anyone, and whether those feelings can or should be bent to accomodate the needs of a relationship.

 

[anchor31]

I voted yes, because if a man I was in a serious, long term relationship with didn''t want to marry me, I would feel that it means he is not serious and committed enough to want to spend the rest of his life with me and do his part so it can keep working. I know some men are serious and commited even if they don''t want to marry; those men most probably have a moral/ethical problem with the institution of marriage, but don''t have commitment issues. Still, it''s in my values and beliefs to marry before having children, even before moving in together, as I see living together as a lifelong commitment same as marriage.

J was rather taken aback when I told him how important it was for me to be engaged before moving in together, but I explained my point of view and he respects and admires my determination to uphold to my principles. I think he also saw that maybe the reasons why he wanted to move in with me next summer weren''t exactly the best ones (it''ll be fun vs I want to spend the rest of my life with you), but he got to think hard about all this and "grow up" a little, I think. He knows how much I want to make this work, and I think he appreciates that. However, marriage in general was never an issue, as he started talking about marrying me rather early on in the relationship. It just recently shifted from someday to "in a couple of years"!

Note: I am not passing judgement on people moving in together before engagement/marriage. If it suits you and your relationship, that''s wonderful. It''s just not something I want to do, and it''s a simple matter of personal principles.

 

[Mandarine]

"If I wanted marriage, and the man I was seeing didn''t, then I''d have to accept that he''s not really "the one". I believe that there is more than one "right" person out there....there are probably a few people who all have potential to be "the one". The key is being in the same place at the same time, and wanting the same things at the same time. And when you find THAT ''one'', no one else will do."

in my opinion.....aljdewey you hit it on the nail!!!!...and so did Deco!


I voted yes because marriage is important to me and I just couldn''t come to terms with this "one" person not wanting to marry me...if I did then I would always be wondering "why?" and wondering if I should have just walked away. You shouldn''t give up or settle what you want for you...

With that being said...I think it will also probably be so extremely hard to walk away and wonder the opposite "what if that was the one?"...but that''s it''s why I loved aljdewey''s response!...so true!!

I guess it depends on how you feel about it...I personally know marriage is very important to me and something I wouldn''t take lightly. I always thought that if it didn''t feel 100% right then I would walk away (and I have in past relationships)...so I wouldn''t just stay in a relationship in order to achieve a "marriage goal"

 

[Mara]

i knew i'd found the one for me in my now husband, after 1.5 years i asked him, where is this all going?

we talked things over a bit and i told him i knew he was the one for me and i said look i'm not going to wait around forever. i am sure about you and you need to be sure about me within a resonable timeframe. doesn't mean you have to propose to me in 3 months, but you just gotta be able to tell me that you know that we have a future together as a married couple. i also told him i didn't want to be a harpy and have this discussion every month, he just had to deal with it and figure it out and he should know me well enough after a year and a half together (and we had broken up and gotten back together which showed us that we REALLY wanted to be with each other) to figure things out. he knew i wanted to get married and staying together and not getting married was not an option.

well he did figure it out and did propose and now we're married coming on 2 years, but i also told him back then...if after about 6 more months with me you cannot tell me one way or the other that you know i am the one for you for marriage, or you still aren't sure etc..i *will* walk away. he knew i meant it, and i told him, it would break my heart and be very hard, but i would do it because i didn't intend to wait around hoping, because i DID want to get married and not just be with someone who adored me (but for whatever reason didn't want to marry me).

so i chose yes i would end the relationship if he didn't know for sure or couldn't figure things out within a 'reasonable' timeframe...because sometimes it's like trying to fit a round peg into a square hole. you can love the person to death but if the two people are not on the same page with what they want then it may not be the right person/right time/etc.

 

[Mara]

i should also throw out there that i have a pair of friends who were together for 7 years and never planned to get married, it just wasn''t important to them. but they were both on the same page. they bought a house together, ended up having a baby, and then another baby, and then got married at the justice of the peace, but didn''t really tell anyone! she let it slip to me during a group dinner out with friends, i was like no way! but she didn''t want to broadcast it. they have now been together for about 11 years or so, but they just did things on their own timetable. however, she doesn''t wear a ring, didn''t change her name, etc...to them getting married really WASN''T important, i think in the end they just did it for the kids and maybe for some legal issues, taxes or whatever. but the key there is that they were always on the same page about things, it was not like she wanted to get married and he didnt and vice versa.

 

[E B]

Marriage is important to me. If a man doesn''t feel marriage is for him, yet he''s comfortable in a long, monogamous relationship for what could potentially be forever (or for a loooong time), what''s his problem with signing a marriage license? Could it be that he''s committed yet not that committed? Afraid of being tied down? He wouldn''t be the one, then.

 

[DonaBella]

Date: 3/28/2006 7:14:23 PM
Author:Starset Princess
Swt Acacia''s post got me thinking, I wonder if a poll would put things in perspective?
If marriage is really important to you and you''ve already found ''the one,'' what if your SO decided marriage wasn''t for him/her?

If my SO decided marriage wasn''t in the cards for him, I would have to free both and he and myself up. I have experienced something very similar to this before I married my husband. I dated alot and really was having a good time at just dating. I, however, fell really hard for someone that was definitely in a different time zone regarding commitment. We ended things and even though I thought I was really into him, I soon fell for my now husband and fell so hard and so subtlely that I was grateful things didn''t work out with the other guy.

Is my husband ''the one''? I do not like to think of relationships that way. He is the one and has been for 25 years, but I believe that many people can be ''the one'' if the situation works for both parties. If I died,he would hopefully find someone who would become his ''special someone'' and live happily ever after and ditto for me if the situation was reversed.

I can''t honestly fall for that whole ''the one'' thing...

I DEFINTELY would not have lingered in a relationship that I had no way of knowing if there was any future to it. I have friends who are or have been in relationships that are 7, 9 or 10 years going, with really no certainty of a tomorrow. One friend and her SO are still debating the whole ''let''s get married and have a child cuz neither of us wants to do this without being married'' issue...and its been 9 years! For heavens sake! Enough already! I think continuing a relationship w/o coming to an understanding of the commitment is like driving and driving...you believe you are going somewhere, its just that neither of you know exactly where...

Sorry...I am a gal who needs a plan and how to get there...and having my DH along for the journey is sure as hell nice and much more enjoyable, most of the time. I guess its what you decide is worth it to you...

 

[E B]

I completely understand what you mean about "the one" Deanna...I don''t believe in "the one" either. What I mean when I mention "the one" is "the one I''ll marry". Not "the only one in the universe for me."

 

[AChiOAlumna]

It wouldn''t be right for me, but if the couple in question were both okay with staying together without the piece of paper, then who am I to judge? As a relationship therapist, I see way too many things that I know I couldn''t live with in my own marriage, but I see couples who are sincerely fine with certain aspects of their relationship. I''ve learned that if they are both sincerely happy and agree upon the parameters of the relationship, then that is up to them...

There are WAY too many couples who don''t make it longer than 10 years, so if marriage isn''t right for a couple who''s been together for 20 years, then they''re doing something right within the relationship that doesn''t require the "piece of paper" for them...

To each their own...

 

[Caribou]

I didn''t answer because my FI and I are getting married......it''s always been known that it was something that we both wanted. So I can''t really say yes or no to something that isn''t going to happen.

However, I''ve been in this position before...thinking I was with ''the one'' but he didn''t want to get married and I did. So what did I do?? But my feelings aside and decided that he was worth scarificing something I wanted. Boy was I wrong!!!!!!!!!!!! It wasn''t that he didn''t want to get married...it was that he didn''t want to get married to me.

My FI was with his EX for 6 years....he told me that he never wanted kids during that time..or so he thought. Later he realized that it wasn''t that he didn''t want kids, it was the he didn''t want kids with her.

Ladies and gents, here''s the thing that I''ve learned in my ''old'' age.....if a guy or girl that you are with doesn''t want the same things that you do in life...you need to get out. He/She''s not ''the one'' for you. No one, man or woman should compromise their needs and wants in life to make another one happy...at least not something like marriage or kids. If both people in the relationship don''t want marriage or kids, than great...perfect match. However, if one wants one or the other, it''s just eventually going to cause resentment down the road. These area things that need to be disgussed as the relationship progresses. I found that woman (myself included) have a detendacy to think that we can change a guys opinon on matters such as marriage and kids. In come cases it true but it most it''s not.

Always be true to yourself, never compromise something as important as marriage and kids for a mate....if they are truly the one, they will ''fit'' into the puzzle.

 

[Cailet]

ditto deco - I''ve know quite a few couples where one of them "didn''t want to ever get married" - but what the one who did want to get married didn''t realize is that there was a silent "to YOU" at the end of that statement. As soon as they went their seperate ways the one suddenly changes their tune and is more than happy to tie the knot.

I didn''t read through all the replies cause I''m lazy this morning - but if someone doesn''t want to get married - and they know it is important to you then they can''t be "the one" -- and the relationship can''t be "fantastic" if there is such an imbalance of opinions about what kind of relationship it is and where it is going long term.

I love my bf more than anything - I would do anything for him - I know that I want to spend the rest of my life with him and build a family together, but if he suddenly decided that marriage "wasn''t for him" I would be packing my things and leaving.

I think the only way that staying together long term without getting married works is if BOTH people are against/don''t care about getting married - truly. And not just because the one is scared of losing the other.

 

[Erin]

I wanted to clarify my questions a bit. I guess I inadvertantly asked two separate questions.
I'm all on board if one wants to get married and the other doesn't, well, it's not a good match. He/she should leave.

But what if one wants to get married NOW and the other keeps saying they want to get married someday but doesn't seem to be on the same page in the 'timing' department.

Could you leave? Do you stick it out because the relationship is so good or do you leave and look for a cab with its light on?

 

[Caribou]

Date: 3/29/2006 10:24:18 AM
Author: Starset Princess
But what if one wants to get married NOW and the other keeps saying they want to get married someday but doesn't seem to be on the same page in the 'timing' department.

Could you leave? Do you stick it out because the relationship is so good or do you leave and look for a cab with its light on?

I guess it would depend on why he/she wanted to wait. If it was because of money or because they wanted to accomplish something (collage degree) then I would wait. Relationship is all about compromise.

However, if SO could not give a good enough reason and/or vague reason, I'd have to dig deeper...sometimes the 'timing' is just an excuse for some one who wants to marry just not to you.

 

[MINE!!]

Date: 3/28/2006 8:09:14 PM
Author: sunkist
A lot of my feelings on this are religious. But from a simple relationship point of view, marriage is the ultimate promise and commitment to the person you love. I wouldn''t want to spend my whole life with someone who wasn''t head over heals enough to make this commitement and make it legally, on paper, etc.

\\Yep.. what she said!

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 3/29/2006 10:24:18 AM
Author: Starset Princess
But what if one wants to get married NOW and the other keeps saying they want to get married someday but doesn''t seem to be on the same page in the ''timing'' department.

Could you leave? Do you stick it out because the relationship is so good or do you leave and look for a cab with its light on?

a) for me, it would depend on how long the "timing" issue/relationship has gone on

b) yes, I could & would leave. I would suspect it wasn''t "timing" but the relationship not being "motivating" or "important" enough to commit to

c) I''m not sure how the relationship can otheriwse be "so good" when one member is feeling unhappy & somewhat rejected by the lack of committment/motivation by the other

d) I want someone who wants a life with me & was willing to let a lot of unlighted cabs pass on by.

 

[DonaBella]

Date: 3/29/2006 11:56:04 AM
Author: MINE!!

Date: 3/28/2006 8:09:14 PM
Author: sunkist
A lot of my feelings on this are religious. But from a simple relationship point of view, marriage is the ultimate promise and commitment to the person you love. I wouldn''t want to spend my whole life with someone who wasn''t head over heals enough to make this commitement and make it legally, on paper, etc.

\Yep.. what she said!

Most of my feelings are religiously based as well. I do feel that marriage is not a contract that is decided on today and changed tomorrow as it seems so many in the world feel and live today. If he cannot be 100% committed enough to make things legal than I don''t want to waste my precious life waiting for him to get a clue. Usually within a short time after one has been dating for awhile, you know if this person you are seeing is one that you not only want to get to know more about, but if there is any potential at all for a future. There is evidence. It is a matter of whether we want to review the evidence or not that determines our willingness to continue to stick things out or face it and possibly risk leaving and moving on.

I could, even now after 25 years, if I had to, leave. I have gained alot with being married but if something earth shattering happened and my DH didn''t want to stay in our marriage, yes, it would be extremely hard...but I would get by. I honor and respect his individuality enough that I know we would discuss things ALOT before it reached that point. My situation would be harder than some others because of the time, years, and kids associated with being married. I still hold fast that I would come out alright...it would just take alot of time. I am pretty fiesty and have learned alot about me in the past 25 years.

My DH is pretty committed and loyal. I seriously doubt that will be an issue for me if ever...

 

[Mara]

if it was a ''not now but soon'' marriage thing, i''d want to know more. lets lay down some ground rules. and if they are broken or the timeline starts stretching into doubles or triples, well then that probably wouldn''t have worked for me.

it would be so hard to leave someone that i envisioned spending the rest of my life with just because he wasn''t ready BUT from my own experiences with relationships and also knowing what his were, i knew in my heart that it was not unreasonable to ask that that within 2 years we SHOULD KNOW enough to know if that person is the one for us. we both did the 4-5 year relationship where we didn''t know and we just stuck with it and both kind of mentally kicked ourselves, so we both didn''t want to head down that path again. also for us we had a icky breakup for 2 months and were apart and managed to find our way back to each other and have an even better relationship than before and that really showed me something huge about both of us and our committment to wanting to be with each other. i kind of felt like well if he didn''t feel that either or he still wasn''t sure what i was about or what was going on after TWO YEARS then seriously i don''t know if he ever would know. and that wasn''t what i wanted to wait around hoping he''d find out. i also seriously felt like do you think you know more about someone at 2.5 years or 3 years or 5 years than you do at 2 years. all of those scenarios are still alot of time spent with each other..and lots of situations to see how you handle, etc.

rambling now! anyway if the timeline was not workable (aka he was like ''oh i dont want to get married for a few years but i feel like you are the one'') i''d walk. life is too short to hang around hoping a cab light turns on when yours is still around.

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 3/29/2006 12:47:52 PM
Author: Mara

we had a icky breakup for 2 months and were apart and managed to find our way back to each other and have an even better relationship than before and that really showed me something huge about both of us and our committment to wanting to be with each other.

This is an interesting point! My fiance & I had a time like this too where we broke up but found our way back - changed for the better & acting on different priorities. That''s perhaps another reason I think "timing" can be an excuse. If it''s gonna work out - it''ll work out DESPITE breakups, bad timing, being on different pages ... because you''ll MISS each other and COMPROMISE. At least that''s my opinion. Relationships aren''t always such straight paths... in the beginning, middle or end. If you shake things up you have to be willing to accept losing the person ... but, you''re really losing what you never really HAD to begin with ... if you HAD ''em ... they''ll come back. (Again - just my opinion)

 

[allycat0303]

Well first of all, I personally don''t believe in a soul mate, so I think there would be a lot of people that could fulfill my needs/wants/expectations. Therefore, if I was with someone and I REALLY wanted to get married, and he didn''t, I would leave him, because he wasn''t fulfilling some of the things I needed/expected in my life. It would be hard, but I think living in a situation where you are compromising on something you want and believe in, is harder.