If marriage is very important to you

[aljdewey]

Date: 3/29/2006 5:04:08 PM
Author: klavigne

It wasn't until I left to go to europe that I realized that my life was so much better in every possible way having Colleen in it. Thats when I knew that she was the one. If I hadn't missed her so much the three weeks I was gone I probable wouldn't have asked her yet. Not becasue I don't completely love her or that I'm not commited to her but just because there wasn't any reason too.

Precisely.

Only........... some guys don't go to Europe. Soooooooooooo...... the only way they are gonna have that "a-ha" moment you did (if at all), is to also spend time away from their ladies. No better way to make that happen than the ladies moving on.....and giving them enough space to realize exactly how empty space can really be.

As you said, gives them the reasons to either realize that they ARE ready.....or to confirm that they really aren't. And if they aren't, time to move on.

 

[blueroses]

Date: 3/29/2006 7:43:23 PM
Author: aljdewey

Precisely.

Only........... some guys don''t go to Europe. Soooooooooooo...... the only way they are gonna have that ''a-ha'' moment you did (if at all), is to also spend time away from their ladies. No better way to make that happen than the ladies moving on.....and giving them enough space to realize exactly how empty space can really be.

As you said, gives them the reasons to either realize that they ARE ready.....or to confirm that they really aren''t. And if they aren''t, time to move on.

Yep. Painful, but true. There comes a certain point when all other options have seemingly been exhausted.

Two words: couples'' counseling.

We''ve been in therapy together for a couple months now to address this exact LIW/timeframe situation--or more specifically, what exactly is keeping him "stuck" when he knows he wants us to be together for the rest of our lives, what are his blocks to pulling the trigger, so-to-speak. As some of the longer-term LIW know, we''re in our thirties and have been together for almost 9 1/2 years, and talking engagement for about 2 1/2.

Even though it''s been profoundly discouraging to have been on that "LIST" for almost 1 1/2 years (up to #2 now), I appreciate how on-board my boy has been with the counseling--something very foreign and new to him.

Our counselor is now having us do exactly what al said: time away. We are temporarily separating for a couple months (and continuing to work with her individually during that time) with the point being for both of us to make a decision at the end of the time. And for me, I am learning to look at my own power in this--that it''s not just about sitting around waiting for HIM to decide to propose, but for me to look at the situation and discern what I need, and am willing to accept or not, and not exist in limbo anymore. The separation is about reflection on US and "trying on" what life is like without that person in it (so no calls, text, e-mails, no contact with each others'' families. It''s pretty brutal). and this is day 5. Yowza.

Anyway, just wanted to respond to this thread....Starset and I have pm''d about this very topic a lot and I know what she''s going through. (And wish I could still PM her!!!) It can sometimes be hard to relate to other LIW gals who seem to breeze on and off the list for a few weeks in their early 20s or something, but the truth is that everyone has their own path, and that wasn''t mine and I''m content with that.

Agree with a lot of what''s been said. I know I want to get married. I want to marry my boyfriend. He says he wants to marry me and wants us to be together, period. But since he continues to struggle with the reality of it, I have to deal with the possibility--however remote?--that he could always come back and say, ok babe, the thing is, marriage just isn''t that important to me after all, but I do want us to still be together. For me, that''s just not ok. That would make him no longer "the one" because it''s a fundamental thing I want in my life. To accept otherwise (which is more or less what I''ve been doing in limbo while he figures out his cliche-but-true commitment issues) is too great a compromise.

I''m kind of MIA from PS these days traveling for work, but have wanted to reply to this.

And I think Alj really hit the nail on the head: Will it take "Europe" for a guy to have an "A-Ha" moment? If so, time to renew the passport

 

[Erin]

One small step for a man, one giant leap for womankind