IF you didn''t have children would you want children and why?

[zhuzhu]

I have known several happily married couples with no children who said they knew they did not want kids to begin with. Others who have children either just "let it happen without thinking" or really wanted kids and planed for it.

Which kind of couple are you and why you decided so?
Thanks!

 

[coatimundi_org]

Right now we are a no kiddie family, because we still feel like kids! My sis has 3 kids, and I adore them. I''ve got a ton of small cousins that I just love so much. My husband is wonderful, and if I want kids--we''ll have kids. I just don''t think I''m wired that way or something. I''m 32 years old. I''d think I''d know if I wanted kids by now.

But, I never say never! This could all change.

For now? Our dog is our baby

 

[zhuzhu]

Date: 2/8/2008 8:14:24 PM
Author: coatimundi
Right now we are a no kiddie family, because we still feel like kids! My sis has 3 kids, and I adore them. I've got a ton of small cousins that I just love so much. My husband is wonderful, and if I want kids--we'll have kids. I just don't think I'm wired that way or something. I'm 32 years old. I'd think I'd know if I wanted kids by now.


But, I never say never! This could all change.


For now? Our dog is our baby

Me too! My fiance and I adore our kittes like our kids, and really have no strong desire to have children in the near future. Strangely when I say that to people who asked "when will you have children" (we are not even married yet!), they looked at me like I am crazy!

Some of my friends think you are an "incomplete woman" until you go through ALL the roles of daughter, wife, and mother. That is really silly thinking to me.

 

[firebirdgold]

So far, no kids and no ticking clock and 36 is looming for me. Wouldn't I have heard ticking yet if I was going to??
I'm leaving the decision up to hubby. I'm not really sure he wants kids, but if he does we'll have them.

So far we're very happy as a couple.




ETA: oh, and I actually dislike children in general but my mother assures me that I'd love my own children... not a really unbiased opinion though.

 

[joflier]

This is an interesting topic. Good one zhu..

We're a no kids couple as well....neither of us really has any desire to have kids or any added responsibilites.....I don't know that we'll have that mindset forever, since we are still young. I told dh we can reevaluate our feelings about it in a few years. I just don't gaga for babies like my girlfriends do. They just see a cute baby, and their practicaly going bananas over it, and running home to go try to get one of their own.

I don't quite get those warm fuzzies about it. (not too mention the pregnancy, the weight gain, the swelling, stretch marks, and the labor)

So I hear ya zhu, when friends look at ya like your nutty for not wanting one right away.

 

[coatimundi_org]

Date: 2/8/2008 8:22:15 PM
Author: zhuzhu

Date: 2/8/2008 8:14:24 PM

Author: coatimundi

Right now we are a no kiddie family, because we still feel like kids! My sis has 3 kids, and I adore them. I've got a ton of small cousins that I just love so much. My husband is wonderful, and if I want kids--we'll have kids. I just don't think I'm wired that way or something. I'm 32 years old. I'd think I'd know if I wanted kids by now.



But, I never say never! This could all change.



For now? Our dog is our baby

Me too! My fiance and I adore our kittes like our kids, and really have no strong desire to have children in the near future. Strangely when I say that to people who asked 'when will you have children' (we are not even married yet!), they looked at me like I am crazy!


Some of my friends think you are an 'incomplete woman' until you go through ALL the roles of daughter, wife, and mother. That is really silly thinking to me.

Zhu, I too have friends that feel that one is an "incomplete woman" if they choose to not have kids. Silly to me too!

With more than 6 billion people on the planet, I think the world will forgive me if I skip it

I feel ya, ladies!

 

[DMBFiredancer]

no warm and fuzzies here either. we decided not to have kids....just have no desire whatsoever.

i''m a 1st grade teacher so i feel like i have 20 kids all day long anyway.

everyone says "but its not the same"

i just dont "feel it" - i like to say to people that my biological clock didnt come with batteries!!!

 

[diamondseeker2006]

My sister was too busy in her 30''s to think about a baby, but they had one when she was 40. So just keep your options open in case you someday change your mind!

 

[somethingshiny]

Well, I guess I''m on the complete opposite side of the fence as most of you. DH and I tried for 6 years to have a baby. Our son will be two in 2 weeks. We wanted a baby because we wanted to share the wonderful experiences of the world. Not only sharing the experience of having/raising a child, but to share with the child(ren) all of God''s glorious creations. We want to help a wonderful person step into the world as an adult and bring joy to many. I couldn''t see my life being complete without a child.

We had many years without a child, and for us, the last two have brought more joy than all the others put together. Seeing a child learn, explore, create, it''s just awe inspiring. I don''t think anyone is aware of how much love they''re capable of until they have a child. It''s the scariest and most exhilarating experience of my life.

And, they''re awfully funny.

 

[Gemma12]

Zhu, I''m on the ''no kids at the moment, we''ll see if it happens'' side. I would be happy to have kids if we can and happy not to. There are plenty of things in life to enjoy IMHO without children, and although I quite like some kids, I do get tired of them after a while. I personally believe that I will not feel incomplete if I don''t have them-I don''t feel incomplete now.

It probably helps that I have a lot of role models of women in their 40s and 50s who never had kids (for various reasons) and live great lives without regretting their decision at all! In some circumstances it can be more difficult to have those role models (my sister lives in a very small town and the only people there who don''t have kids, couldn''t have kids and some of them are understandably sad about it).

Just my 2 cents!

 

[LitigatorChick]

Date: 2/8/2008 8:38:47 PM
Author: joflier
This is an interesting topic. Good one zhu..


We''re a no kids couple as well....neither of us really has any desire to have kids or any added responsibilites.....I don''t know that we''ll have that mindset forever, since we are still young. I told dh we can reevaluate our feelings about it in a few years. I just don''t gaga for babies like my girlfriends do. They just see a cute baby, and their practicaly going bananas over it, and running home to go try to get one of their own.

I don''t quite get those warm fuzzies about it. (not too mention the pregnancy, the weight gain, the swelling, stretch marks, and the labor)


So I hear ya zhu, when friends look at ya like your nutty for not wanting one right away.

Joflier, I am not a "baby person" as well - not really fond of other people''s kids (babies or otherwise), hated being pregnant, and well, who likes childbirth! But my kid is the best - can''t get enough of him. I would not change being his mom for the world.

My point - just because you don''t like other people''s kids doesn''t mean you wouldn''t love having your own.

However, kids are a huge adjustment to your life, and warrant some serious consideration - not to be jumped into lightly. So I commend all of you for your choice and ignore the stupid comments of baby pushers.

 

[firebirdgold]

I''d love to know how many of us on the ''no baby currently and happy that way'' side also have pets we fuss over and spoil?

Monster dog is very much my baby, and so far DH either likes or is wisely ignoring that fact that I refer to him (when talking to the dog) as ''Daddy''.

 

[zoebartlett]

We went from talking about "if" we have kids to "when." I''ve always been around kids my whole life and I''m an elementary teacher now. I knew I was always meant to be with kids but I wasn''t sure if I wanted to live with kids, if that makes sense. When I began teaching I loved being around my students all day and I loved sending them home after school. I thought it was the best of both worlds. I can see it differently now. I''m not sure when we''ll have kids but we think about it a lot.

 

[Fly Girl]

Date: 2/8/2008 10:25:24 PM
Author: LitigatorChick

Date: 2/8/2008 8:38:47 PM
Author: joflier
This is an interesting topic. Good one zhu..


We're a no kids couple as well....neither of us really has any desire to have kids or any added responsibilites.....I don't know that we'll have that mindset forever, since we are still young. I told dh we can reevaluate our feelings about it in a few years. I just don't gaga for babies like my girlfriends do. They just see a cute baby, and their practicaly going bananas over it, and running home to go try to get one of their own.

I don't quite get those warm fuzzies about it. (not too mention the pregnancy, the weight gain, the swelling, stretch marks, and the labor)


So I hear ya zhu, when friends look at ya like your nutty for not wanting one right away.

Joflier, I am not a 'baby person' as well - not really fond of other people's kids (babies or otherwise), hated being pregnant, and well, who likes childbirth! But my kid is the best - can't get enough of him. I would not change being his mom for the world.

My point - just because you don't like other people's kids doesn't mean you wouldn't love having your own.

However, kids are a huge adjustment to your life, and warrant some serious consideration - not to be jumped into lightly. So I commend all of you for your choice and ignore the stupid comments of baby pushers.

I'm not a baby person either, but your own kids are a completely different story. We waited 10 years before our son came along, and we were ready! It's been a lot of work, but also been a blast. Our youngest just left for college so it's back to being just the two of us again. That's fun too, but we sure do enjoy it when the kids come home to visit.

I would absolutely have children again. The joy they bring into your lives is sooooo worth it.

And, oh, our children were definitely planned for.

 

[coatimundi_org]

Date: 2/8/2008 10:35:23 PM
Author: IndieJones
I''d love to know how many of us on the ''no baby currently and happy that way'' side also have pets we fuss over and spoil?


Monster dog is very much my baby, and so far DH either likes or is wisely ignoring that fact that I refer to him (when talking to the dog) as ''Daddy''.

Indie, that is so funny. My husband always gives me a subtle sketchy look when I refer to him as our dog''s "Daddy." (I think he likes it, though, because he refers to me as "Mommy," when talking to the pooch.

 

[diamondfan]

I always wanted kids. So yes, as tough as it is, I would, if I were childless, have them. I have not ever regretted my decision...though I have lost sleep over it for sure!

 

[lyra]

I think I''m too old to answer this one. I can''t even remember why I decided I needed to have kids at a particular time. I do remember that all of a sudden this very strong urge came over me and because I couldn''t conceive at all for a full year, I think that made me want kids even more. Then when I found out I was pregnant, I was scared to death and quite honestly, regretted my decision at that point! But that was just jitters.

What I can say 20+ years down the line, is that I can''t imagine facing retirement and beyond and having no family around me. I have friends who chose to be childfree, and they had a completely different lifestyle. They could afford vacations and nice houses and cars when we could not. I think it all balances out in the end though. We all just end up with different memories and lifestyles.

 

[zoebartlett]

Date: 2/8/2008 11:24:07 PM
Author: lyra
I think I''m too old to answer this one. I can''t even remember why I decided I needed to have kids at a particular time. I do remember that all of a sudden this very strong urge came over me and because I couldn''t conceive at all for a full year, I think that made me want kids even more. Then when I found out I was pregnant, I was scared to death and quite honestly, regretted my decision at that point! But that was just jitters.

What I can say 20+ years down the line, is that I can''t imagine facing retirement and beyond and having no family around me. I have friends who chose to be childfree, and they had a completely different lifestyle. They could afford vacations and nice houses and cars when we could not. I think it all balances out in the end though. We all just end up with different memories and lifestyles.

Lyra, this might be an odd question but was it hard to give up a certain amount of that freedom of being along with your husband? Was it hard knowing that the lifestyle you knew would be replaced with a completely different one? I think friends of ours have decided not to have kids (although I wouldn''t ever ask -- it seems too personal). I don''t think either of them would describe themselves as nurturing in that way. I don''t think that but they might. Anyway, right now I love spending time with my students where it''s zooey (sp?), but I also love going home to the peaceful quiet of my house. When we have kids, that will change. How do you know if you''re ready for that?

 

[Kaleigh]

For us we knew we wanted kids. We had 2 very quickly after being maried. My SIL and BIL were on the fence, and once they started trying they ran into big problems TTC. They ended up adopting, and are so happy with their little man. I SO respect those that choose not to have kids. It's not for everyone. But I am so very happy we went ahead and had our kids. I can't imagine a day without them.

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

I have always known I will have kids. I always babysat, I worked in a daycare, I just knew it. That being said, I am going to be working on my Masters and then my Phd so I am certainly not going to let nature take its course. My FI also wants children so it isn''t an issue for us.

I have known couples who were perfectly happy with no children and I certainly don''t think they are "incomplete" if they don''t think so, I just can''t imagine it for myself.

 

[joflier]

Date: 2/8/2008 10:25:24 PM
Author: LitigatorChick


Joflier, I am not a ''baby person'' as well - not really fond of other people''s kids (babies or otherwise), hated being pregnant, and well, who likes childbirth! But my kid is the best - can''t get enough of him. I would not change being his mom for the world.

My point - just because you don''t like other people''s kids doesn''t mean you wouldn''t love having your own.

However, kids are a huge adjustment to your life, and warrant some serious consideration - not to be jumped into lightly. So I commend all of you for your choice and ignore the stupid comments of baby pushers.

I absolutely agree with you! I know, another thing we have taken into consideration besides just the lifestyle change, is our health. We both have some health issues, and there are some other strong diseases that run in the blood line that makes us question whether its smart to even consider a child. But thats anothe bridge to cross when the time is right.

 

[hairgirl95]

Wow excellent topic! This is one that I am personally struggling with. We have been married for 3 years this May. I am 31, DH is 35. We have gotten pregnant twice and both ended in a miscarriage. I have been on the fence as to if I want to try again. When I was younger I said I didn''t want kids at all. That changed when I turned 27. I was super gung ho wanting kids. I was ready but DH wasn''t. When we started trying I was super excited. Now, I am starting to revert back to the I don''t want them phase. Maybe it will change, maybe it won''t. We have fun just the two of us so I guess it could go either way. Time will tell!

 

[D2B]

Well, so hard to say it all so I will try to be the the point

- I never really liked other peoples kids or babies or wanted kids until I hit my 30''s - but the love I feel for mine is unimaginable - pure love

- my DH and I had many wonderful years together as a couple, we travelled, enjoyed ourselves etc so for us the timing was right. We wanted more than endless holidays, getting bigger and better houses, cars, luxuries - there was a depth missing to our lives. We knew we wanted to be a family and have a child . Our view was that whilst we would give up the little luxuries (one income will do that

), miss out on couple time (especially in the early ears), sleep, freedom etc, we would gain so much in richness and depth to our lives. One day our child will leave the nest and it will be us two again, but we will have the joy of interacting with him as an adult, and hopefully grandchilldren later. I cant imagine not having the next generation of family around me when I am old and grey.

- having children is the best thing we have ever done, and oh, so the hardest. Never have a child unless you are ready for the HUGE change in lifestyle, the impact on yourself, your relationship and your expenditure - but for us the good so outweighs the negatives.

anyway, hope that helps. We love our little one to bits, he has added richness to our lives and certainly has made it more complicated, but life is not boring or predicatable

But if your not ready, dont have one - they need you 110% .

D2B

 

[NYCsparkle]

We knew we wanted kids and decided to just let it happen---and it did---ON OUR HONEYMOON

a big surprise.lol we had done plenty of traveling and living it up...lol....but ultimately we always knew we wanted kids. my son is the most precious gift we''ve ever been given and we feel complete as a family. now that he''s 1 1/2 people keep asking about #2. it''s beyond irritating because i get the---you can''t make him an only child speech from everyone.....why can''t i? i can''t imagine the irritation that couples who decide that they don''t want children get from family and friends. i think its a personal choice to bring kids into the world and that it''s not for everyone. some people never have the yearning for them and it doesn''t make them weird or that they have something wrong with them.

zoe---having kids IS a HUGE adjustment. i can''t really remember life BC(before child) but i know it was a more carefree lets get up and go lifestyle. your life revolves around this tiny person and for a time your relationship with your dh consists of discussing poopy diapers, spit up, and every new face the baby makes, and romantic relations consist of a quickie if you are lucky---hahahha....but my dh and i have grown closer from sharing parental duties together and really marveling at this person you made together.

 

[lyra]

Date: 2/8/2008 11:47:26 PM
Author: ZoeBartlett

Date: 2/8/2008 11:24:07 PM
Author: lyra
I think I''m too old to answer this one. I can''t even remember why I decided I needed to have kids at a particular time. I do remember that all of a sudden this very strong urge came over me and because I couldn''t conceive at all for a full year, I think that made me want kids even more. Then when I found out I was pregnant, I was scared to death and quite honestly, regretted my decision at that point! But that was just jitters.

What I can say 20+ years down the line, is that I can''t imagine facing retirement and beyond and having no family around me. I have friends who chose to be childfree, and they had a completely different lifestyle. They could afford vacations and nice houses and cars when we could not. I think it all balances out in the end though. We all just end up with different memories and lifestyles.

Lyra, this might be an odd question but was it hard to give up a certain amount of that freedom of being along with your husband? Was it hard knowing that the lifestyle you knew would be replaced with a completely different one? I think friends of ours have decided not to have kids (although I wouldn''t ever ask -- it seems too personal). I don''t think either of them would describe themselves as nurturing in that way. I don''t think that but they might. Anyway, right now I love spending time with my students where it''s zooey (sp?), but I also love going home to the peaceful quiet of my house. When we have kids, that will change. How do you know if you''re ready for that?

That''s something that only you can answer really. Maybe you''ll have that Eureka moment that I had, which sort of came out of the blue: I want kids! Previous to that, it wasn''t an issue for us. And certainly, we didn''t wait until we had a house or were financially secure or any of that. It''s different for everyone. And yes, everything absolutely changes in a big scary way the moment you bring that baby home from the hospital. Your life is different forever, and at first (for several months even) it can be overwhelming. Then it changes to something wonderful. But ultimately it''s your choice, and you might want to postpone it for a few years if you''re not ready, to see if it''s something you really want.

I think you have to choose your priorities, and make your relationship with your husband the main one, even if you have children. Certainly that''s how we approached it. We were easygoing parents, and didn''t stress so much over the kids. It''s a balance, and sometimes I see parents (one or both) who always seem to put the child before everything else. I don''t agree with that. You still have a marital relationship to nurture too, which is equally as important. Balance is good. Hope that helps.

 

[phoenixgirl]

DH and I have always wanted to have kids. It was never "if" but "when." But we''ve certainly changed our minds about when we would want to have them (no rush!) and how many (DH said "four to six" when we met in college, egads!, but now it''s two, three tops).

I don''t want to offend anyone, but I appreciate couples who don''t have children because of the fact that our world''s population can''t continue multiplying forever without a strain on our resources. I wouldn''t feel right having "four to six" kids when I am but one person (what if each of my six kids had six kids, so by the time I''m 75 I''m responsible for 36 more people on this planet), so when I see those families with 17 kids or whatever on the Discovery Channel, it annoys me.

I''ve had some dreams about babies, and I definitely fee ga ga about babies, and DH LOVES children and always seeks them out to play with at weddings and the like (causing everyone to say, "Aw! Your husband will be such a great dad!" and I''m like, yeah, it''s nice to play with kids and all but there''s a lot more to it!). Oh, and he loves watching Jon and Kate Plus Eight (I don''t consider them overpopulators since they only were pregnant twice to have those eight kids . . . oops!), isn''t that funny? But I''ve taken care of my nieces and nephews enough to know that it will be hard work, so I''m in no rush. I''ll be 28 in two months . . . I don''t think my clock is ticking yet!

 

[diamondfan]

it is a huge adjustment, but so rewarding. There is such a difference between being the two of you and adding in kids. But it is so wonderful, if that is where you see your life going. I know couples who were not sure, or were leaning towards not having them. Then, the wife gets pregnant and they have a baby, and they are over the moon with it. But parenting is a challenge, it is like the hardest job you will ever love. And sometimes it seems you will never do things right, or the rewards are not coming, and everyone else seems so blissed out with it. I just could not imagine not having my family around me later, and I have enjoyed watching them grow and become the great kids they are. But that it is not to say there have not been scary or difficult or trying times. And making space for you both as people and mates, not just parents, is a balancing act.

 

[Logan Sapphire]

We don''t have kids now and truthfully, we could be just as happy without them ever, but we figured we might get to a point where we decided we''d wanted them and regretted not having them.

Since I have no desire whatsoever to be pregnant and due to other factors, we''re adopting (a bonus is not worrying about adding to overpopulation, though I never would''ve let that be a factor in whether to have kids or not).

But....and this is just my own personal opinion, if we don''t have kids by the time I''m 35 or 36 (I''m almost 32), we''re not going to adopt or have any at all.

 

[Cind11]

I was never a "baby person". I actually didn''t like them much. I waited until I was 33 to have my first daughter. I was and am completely nuts about both my girls. It''s amazing how different things are when they''re yours. But I certainly don''t think a couple is incomplete if they decide not to have children. That''s just ridiculous. In fact, it bothers me that people presume to know what is right for others.

 

[Beacon]

Sounds very strange to me too! Does that line of reasoning apply to men too or only women? Would men be incomplete men if they had no kids? I have never heard anyone talk like that about women or men. I would not know what to say

.

My sister has kids, I don't, and we are both quite happy with our choices. I know people who have kids and geniunely wish they had not made that choice, though they are good parents to their kids anyway. I know people who wish they had fewer kids than they do and I know people who are very happy as parents. Like most things in life, there are no absolutes. I welcome all the lifestyle choices as they make the world a much more interesting place!