i''m beyond baffled..

[jessa]

my best friend is getting married in december. Today she was telling me that her future MIL was full of drama yesterday because her (the mothers) best friend wasn''t invited... this is how our conversation went tonight

me: "didn''t she give you a list of people that she wanted invited?"
my friend: "no, they aren''t paying, why should they get to choose who is invited?"
me: shocked--- "its her son getting married too, its about joining the families..."
my friend: just wait, you''ll see....they haven''t helped at all with the wedding so why should they get a say"
me: "yeah... okkaaayyyy "

I got home, wanting to punch something because this annoyed me so much. I told my BF if i ever start acting ANYTHING like what my friend has been that he can hit me upside the head and knock some sense into me.

 

[crossmyfingers]

Gosh. Just because they aren''t paying doesn''t mean their son shouldn''t have any input for the guest list! That seems crazy to me.

 

[vc10um]

Although not necessarily the best thing to do, I don''t disagree with your best friend.

If they are paying for the wedding, and not receiving any help from either set of parent, and the groom didn''t think to invite the mother''s best friend (because I''m assuming at least HE had a say in the guest list), then she''s probably not that important to *him* which means he''s probably not going to be that important to the *couple*.

If they''re paying for it all themselves and they''re intending on keeping it relatively small, I actually don''t see a problem.

When A and I get married, there will be no list coming from the parents of who to invite. We are paying for the wedding with a gift from my mother in part (who has said already she won''t be inviting anyone but expects us to send her friends announcements) and for the rest of it ourselves and intend to keep it relatively small (80-100 people, incl. wedding party). It''s family on his side (because it''s large, and they''re his closest friends as well) and friends-that-are-like-family on my side (because I''ll only have 3 family members in attendance).

 

[lilyfoot]

Date: 11/10/2009 7:48:22 AM
Author: vc10um
Although not necessarily the best thing to do, I don''t disagree with your best friend.

If they are paying for the wedding, and not receiving any help from either set of parent, and the groom didn''t think to invite the mother''s best friend (because I''m assuming at least HE had a say in the guest list), then she''s probably not that important to *him* which means he''s probably not going to be that important to the *couple*.

I have to agree with vc10um. I really don''t see the big deal?

The wedding day is for the bride and groom, they choose who they want to share their special day with, not the IL''s.

 

[purselover]

Date: 11/10/2009 7:48:22 AM
Author: vc10um
Although not necessarily the best thing to do, I don''t disagree with your best friend.

If they are paying for the wedding, and not receiving any help from either set of parent, and the groom didn''t think to invite the mother''s best friend (because I''m assuming at least HE had a say in the guest list), then she''s probably not that important to *him* which means he''s probably not going to be that important to the *couple*.

If they''re paying for it all themselves and they''re intending on keeping it relatively small, I actually don''t see a problem.

When A and I get married, there will be no list coming from the parents of who to invite. We are paying for the wedding with a gift from my mother in part (who has said already she won''t be inviting anyone but expects us to send her friends announcements) and for the rest of it ourselves and intend to keep it relatively small (80-100 people, incl. wedding party). It''s family on his side (because it''s large, and they''re his closest friends as well) and friends-that-are-like-family on my side (because I''ll only have 3 family members in attendance).

I have to agree, if the couple themselves aren''t close to this friend why do they have to invite her? I think it''s easy to think "oh it''s just this one extra person" but then where does it end, his mother may be very tempted to add more people to the guest list.

 

[MagsyMay]

I have to also somewhat agree with your friend. If the mother''s best friend is not close to the groom and doesn''t know the bride, she likely won''t be very important in the couple''s married life. Now, if the FMIL''s best friend has played an important/present role in the FF''s life, that is a different story.

I''m in the camp that wedding guests should be people who are important to the COUPLE getting married and that weddings aren''t necessarily for Mom/Dad of the bride/groom to get together with all their old friends and/or relatives. My parents shouldn''t be paying for FI''s mom to hang out with her friends/relatives that she otherwise never cares about! It is incredibly easy for guest lists to get out of hand once planning starts! The "oh, it''s just one person" (except it''s always two b/c of husband/+1...) can very quickly become "oh crap, we just added 20 people (really only 10 ''couples'') to the guest list!" And I can tell you 20 extra people is about $4K in food/drink alone at my upcoming wedding (not to mention extra invites, favors, extra tables=extra centerpieces, etc!), and you gotta cut it off somewhere!

 

[meresal]

I completely disagree with your friend.

It's one thing to not invite long lost cousins of FMIL, but her best friend? I think it's obvious who the drama queen is here.

As much as many of you may not agree, when the time comes you want all of your guests to have a great time. If that means your future MOTHER having her best friend there, then so be it.

ETA: How big is this friend's wedding?

To be honest, my astonishment has to do with her overall view of his parents and his family, as opposed to just this one friend being invited.

 

[NakedFinger]

I have to ditto everyone else and say I agree with your friend.

I am a wedding planner and I see so many 400 person weddings that are all "daddy's business friends" and all people that the parents wanted there. Many of which the bride and groom have never met. While I feel bad for the couple, because it should be about THEM and not their parents....if the parents are shelling out $150,000 to pay for this wedding and they want them there, how can the bride and groom object?

HOWEVER, if the bride and groom our paying for it themselves, I see no reason why they should be forced invite and PAY FOR people they dont even know and/or care to be there. My mom wants me to invite all our extended family, with a big Italian family that would put me at 300 people. One, I dont want that big of a wedding, and Two I am paying for the wedding myself, and am not paying $250 a head for people I havent seen in 10 years and who havent even met my SO. I told her that if she really wants them there, she can pay for them. Otherwise, I am paying for the people that I really want to be there, which will be about 90 people.

 

[anchor31]

I actually agree with your friend. Sure, it''s a joining of families, etc., but if the parents are not paying for the wedding, I don''t see why they should have a say on the guest list. It''s her son''s wedding, not hers, and he should invite (or not) whoever he likes. If he''s not close to his mom''s friend, I don''t see what the big deal is.

 

[lucyandroger]

I agree with you, Jessa. Nowadays brides and grooms seem so ME, ME, ME. Yes, it is ultiimately about the bride and groom but it''s also about the families. I also hate all the power dynamics based on who pays...why does everything have to be about money?

I could see if this were some random business friend of the FMIL but this is her BEST friend! wow...I''m surprised so many people here agree with your friend''s point of view. I hope my FDIL years from now if I ever have one values family a bit more.

 

[neatfreak]

It depends for me. If it''s a small wedding, I am with your friend that the MIL''s best friend is not a priority. However, if it''s a huge wedding and/or they are just not inviting MIL''s friend out of spite, then that''s not right.

 

[Lauren8211]

Date: 11/10/2009 10:33:06 AM
Author: neatfreak
It depends for me. If it''s a small wedding, I am with your friend that the MIL''s best friend is not a priority. However, if it''s a huge wedding and/or they are just not inviting MIL''s friend out of spite, then that''s not right.

Ditto!

 

[trillionaire]

I can see both sides of this. I have never wanted a large wedding, but when I sat down and wrote out names of friends, family and faux-family, I had nearly 100 people, not including FI''s list!

It gets out of hand quickly, so I understand her perspective. With that being said, I do think that you need to be sensitive to the wants and needs of your FI and your IL''s... not that you give in to every request/demand, but that you are fair and you hear them out. It''s an important day for EVERYONE, and the attitude that it''s only your way because you are the one paying strikes me as a little immature. Hosting is about making people comfortable, not throwing dollar signs in people''s faces. If it''s out of budget to allow some of moms friends, maybe she would be willing to pay per plate for extra people. There are options... and if it''s only 2 people, $500 is probably worth it to keep peace with the in-laws. A wedding is only one day, but the impressions that it leaves can last for years, or a lifetime.

Just my .02.

 

[lilyfoot]

Date: 11/10/2009 10:23:19 AM
Author: lucyandroger
I agree with you, Jessa. Nowadays brides and grooms seem so ME, ME, ME. Yes, it is ultiimately about the bride and groom but it''s also about the families. I also hate all the power dynamics based on who pays...why does everything have to be about money?

I could see if this were some random business friend of the FMIL but this is her BEST friend! wow...I''m surprised so many people here agree with your friend''s point of view. I hope my FDIL years from now if I ever have one values family a bit more.

In all fairness, I think we''re all getting riled up, without knowing the full story.

IMO, I don''t see how this has anything to do with not valuing family. It''s not like she''s saying she''s not inviting her MIL. It''s about her MIL''s best friend. If this was MIL''s spouse (assuming she was no longer with FIL), then I''d understand the opposing views.

It''s also important to keep in mind in this situation, we do not know the relationship dynamic between FI/MIL and FI/MIL''s best friend.

If I was having a wedding, it would be extremely small and intimate. If my mother wanted to invite her "best friend'', who has no significant meaning in mine or my FI''s life, I would say no. Just because she''s my mothers "best friend" doesn''t mean I would have ever met this person before in my life! It''s not about "me, me, me" in this situation, it''s about having the people who matter there (family), not strangers. It has nothing to do with money, in my mind, just the preference of the bride and groom.

lucyandroger, please don''t take this as an attack on you (or your post), I''m just laying out a different POV for everyone. Until, or unless, we have more information on the relationship dynamics at play here, we''re all putting our own personal spin on it, KWIM?

 

[NakedFinger]

Date: 11/10/2009 11:41:47 AM
Author: lilyfoot

Date: 11/10/2009 10:23:19 AM

Author: lucyandroger

I agree with you, Jessa. Nowadays brides and grooms seem so ME, ME, ME. Yes, it is ultiimately about the bride and groom but it's also about the families. I also hate all the power dynamics based on who pays...why does everything have to be about money?


I could see if this were some random business friend of the FMIL but this is her BEST friend! wow...I'm surprised so many people here agree with your friend's point of view. I hope my FDIL years from now if I ever have one values family a bit more.

In all fairness, I think we're all getting riled up, without knowing the full story.

IMO, I don't see how this has anything to do with not valuing family. It's not like she's saying she's not inviting her MIL. It's about her MIL's best friend. If this was MIL's spouse (assuming she was no longer with FIL), then I'd understand the opposing views.


It's also important to keep in mind in this situation, we do not know the relationship dynamic between FI/MIL and FI/MIL's best friend.


If I was having a wedding, it would be extremely small and intimate. If my mother wanted to invite her 'best friend', who has no significant meaning in mine or my FI's life, I would say no. Just because she's my mothers 'best friend' doesn't mean I would have ever met this person before in my life! It's not about 'me, me, me' in this situation, it's about having the people who matter there (family), not strangers.

It has nothing to do with money, in my mind, just the preference of the bride and groom.


lucyandroger, please don't take this as an attack on you (or your post), I'm just laying out a different POV for everyone. Until, or unless, we have more information on the relationship dynamics at play here, we're all putting our own personal spin on it, KWIM?

Exactly. I have been with my SO for 9 years, and in my opinion if we have been together that long and you have NEVER met my SO, then it means we are not close enough for you to need to come to the wedding, if out desire is to have a small intimate wedding. I want to share our wedding with people we love, and have been supportive of us, our relationship. Not my dads business partners or mom's book club buddies whom me and my fiance have never met. Sorry, I dont agree with that.

I do agree with lilyfoot though that we dont know the dynamics of the relationship with the mom's best friend and her fiance. If she's known him since he was a baby, was constantly in his life, and someone he would want there, then I think she should be invited.

 

[meresal]

I would hardly say that people are getting riled up.

Lily and NF, many of us have referenced the OP, asking what the size of the wedding is. Yet she has not returned to answer? Everyone is very aware that we don't know even most of the story, much less the whole thing.

Both of you are assuming that this is a small intimate wedding. You don't know that either, and many people said, myself included, that if it is a small wedding, then she is perfectly fine to not invite anyone she wants, as long as it is not just spiteful to FMIL.

However, IMO, if you read the way the converstaion was written, it is obvious that the bride is being spiteful, or else she would have said, "We just don't have room in the guest list."
Instead, she chose to say: "....they haven't helped at all with the wedding so why should they get a say."

 

[lucyandroger]

Date: 11/10/2009 11:48:32 AM
Author: NakedFinger

Date: 11/10/2009 11:41:47 AM
Author: lilyfoot

Date: 11/10/2009 10:23:19 AM

Author: lucyandroger

I agree with you, Jessa. Nowadays brides and grooms seem so ME, ME, ME. Yes, it is ultiimately about the bride and groom but it's also about the families. I also hate all the power dynamics based on who pays...why does everything have to be about money?


I could see if this were some random business friend of the FMIL but this is her BEST friend! wow...I'm surprised so many people here agree with your friend's point of view. I hope my FDIL years from now if I ever have one values family a bit more.

In all fairness, I think we're all getting riled up, without knowing the full story.

IMO, I don't see how this has anything to do with not valuing family. It's not like she's saying she's not inviting her MIL. It's about her MIL's best friend. If this was MIL's spouse (assuming she was no longer with FIL), then I'd understand the opposing views.


It's also important to keep in mind in this situation, we do not know the relationship dynamic between FI/MIL and FI/MIL's best friend.


If I was having a wedding, it would be extremely small and intimate. If my mother wanted to invite her 'best friend', who has no significant meaning in mine or my FI's life, I would say no. Just because she's my mothers 'best friend' doesn't mean I would have ever met this person before in my life! It's not about 'me, me, me' in this situation, it's about having the people who matter there (family), not strangers.

It has nothing to do with money, in my mind, just the preference of the bride and groom.


lucyandroger, please don't take this as an attack on you (or your post), I'm just laying out a different POV for everyone. Until, or unless, we have more information on the relationship dynamics at play here, we're all putting our own personal spin on it, KWIM?

Exactly. I have been with my SO for 9 years, and in my opinion if we have been together that long and you have NEVER met my SO, then it means we are not close enough for you to need to come to the wedding, if out desire is to have a small intimate wedding. I want to share our wedding with people we love, and have been supportive of us, our relationship. Not my dads business partners or mom's book club buddies whom me and my fiance have never met. Sorry, I dont agree with that.

I do agree with lilyfoot though that we dont know the dynamics of the relationship with the mom's best friend and her fiance. If she's known him since he was a baby, was constantly in his life, and someone he would want there, then I think she should be invited.

Hi ladies, I'm certainly not getting riled up...this is just my POV.

Where does it say that the best friend never met the bride? In any case, to me it wouldn't matter because obviously this person is very important to the FMIL. That's where valuing family comes into it for me. A wedding is about much more than one day and the price per plate...this is the FMIL's son's wedding. She has probably been dreaming of/ looking forward to this day for a long time as well. In my POV, she should be allowed to invite someone who is very important to her whether that person knows the bride or not.

Where did I say that you should have to invite business partners and book club buddies?? I'm pretty sure I specifically said it's NOT like this is just the FMIL's business friend. And she only asked to invite ONE BEST friend. I think people may be projecting their own issues onto this one...

I'm also with Mer in that I don't see how you can assume it is a small, intimate wedding...

ETA - And as far as it not being about money...please read the OP again...It specifically says that it is because the FMIL hasn't contributed financially towards the wedding. Ladies, I'm not talking about your personal situations!!! I'm just addressing the OP...don't take it so personally

 

[Smurfysmiles]

*gets her bucket of popcorn out* jk ladies

 

[misskitty]

I can see both sides of it as well, but the one thing that was super off-putting to me was

my friend: just wait, you''ll see....they haven''t helped at all with the wedding so why should they get a say''

That statement really just makes it sound like she cares more about what her ILs can do for her than ensuring they have a good time at her wedding. Sure, the MIL will probably be just fine if her best friend isn''t there, and I can totally understand keeping the guest list small, but if that''s the first reason given? It sounds more spiteful than "we''re keeping it small."

I''d feel a lot differently if the conversation went something like

jessa''s friend: "MIL is very upset over her best friend not being on our guest list."
jessa: "Didn''t she give you a list of people that she wanted invited?"
jessa''s friend: "Yes, and there were 50 people on it. Our budget really only allows for 80 guests, and I''ve never met any of these people, so we picked a couple of names that we sort-of recognized, and invited them. Now this woman is her ''best friend'' but she didn''t mention it before!"

know what I mean?

 

[meresal]

Date: 11/10/2009 12:06:17 PM
Author: Smurfyimproved
*gets her bucket of popcorn out* jk ladies

No you''re not.

Don''t you have a wedding to get ready for...

 

[stepcutgirl]

I''m just wondering what the relationship is like between the FMIL and your friend. It sounds like she may not care too much for her and is taking this opportunity to assert some authority over FMIL. Maybe I''m reading too much into it, but generally speaking if you like and care for someone you will shell out the extra few bucks.

 

[Smurfysmiles]

Date: 11/10/2009 12:17:29 PM
Author: meresal

Date: 11/10/2009 12:06:17 PM

Author: Smurfyimproved

*gets her bucket of popcorn out* jk ladies

No you''re not.

Don''t you have a wedding to get ready for...

ah hahaha you got me I''m at my last day of work and the boss ordered no work to be loaded on me so that it doesn''t get shoved to the side for the rest of the week so I don''t have much to do teehee

 

[NakedFinger]

No no Mere and LR, I'm not saying that anyone is getting riled up, and obviously no one said anything about them being book club buddies or business partners. Obviously, I know that if I read her post and yours. I'm just giving those as examples because I have had so many brides cry to me about not knowing half their guest lists, feeling bombarded, afraid to say no, their wedding turning into "everyone else's dream wedding" etc. Honestly, I would probably just invite the one friend (if its only one friend) to keep the peace. My point that I was saying is I dont think she is "obligated" to by any means, and that since guest lists do tend to get out of hand, if you say yes to everyone's "i NEED to invite this person", even if its people you have never met, you end up with double the guest list than you planned.

I know she never said it was an intimate wedding, which is why I was saying it depends on the situation. For example I know that I want an intimate wedding, which is why I cant invite everyone and their mother. But if she is having a larger wedding, more than just immediate family and such, whats one more person going to hurt? I didnt feel I was projecting my personal matters in the post (my mom doesnt have book club friends! lol

) However, maybe some of it is personal since I know how my current stance on the situation is with my family (I just want immediate family and like 5 friends), so part of that may have been personal since I have to stand my ground on not wanting more than the 85-90 people on the list due to intimacy and budget considerations.

If its just this one person though....i'd say that the money spent on this one person, is worth it to keep peace with the MIL which is always important.

 

[MagsyMay]

Gah, I just wrote a post and it disappeared into thin air!

I re-read the OP and do agree after second reading that the friend does sound like she is doing this to be spiteful, which I disagree with. I totally apologize for my previous post in which I was likely projecting my own FMIL issues (i.e. FMIL''s 40 "best friends and closest relatives" who I have neither heard mention or nor met in the past 5 years, and her desire to turn our wedding into a "family and town reunion" at my parents'' (hefty) expense!) So perhaps I am overly sensitive to this issue at the moment! I''m sorry!!

 

[lilyfoot]

It's so funny how a simple post can spur so many different responses

Like I said, nobody here, besides OP knows the full story. Currently, we are all "guilty" of putting our own personal spin on it. That's all we can do until OP comes back!

There are so many possible scenarios here, that it's impossible to decipher the brides character, or intent. We are going off of a second-hand account of a conversation. I'm sure it's not typed verbatim!

If the bride is in fact, leaving somebody out of the wedding who is important in the couple's life, then I would agree, that's horrible and sad. If it's some random lady of no significance to her, then I see no problem with it.

I see you ladies popcorn & martini and raise you a big bowl of ice cream

ETA: I don't see anything mentioned in the original post about finances? She says they "haven't done anything" for the wedding, that could mean other things besides finances.

And I can assure you there is no personal sensitivity here, I am not now, nor will I ever be, planning a wedding.

 

[vc10um]

Date: 11/10/2009 1:57:47 PM
Author: lilyfoot
It''s so funny how a simple post can spur so many different responses

Like I said, nobody here, besides OP knows the full story. Currently, we are all ''guilty'' of putting our own personal spin on it. That''s all we can do until OP comes back!

There are so many possible scenarios here, that it''s impossible to decipher the brides character, or intent. We are going off of a second-hand account of a conversation. I''m sure it''s not typed verbatim!

If the bride is in fact, leaving somebody out of the wedding who is important in the couple''s life, then I would agree, that''s horrible and sad. If it''s some random lady of no significance to her, then I see no problem with it.

I see you ladies popcorn & martini and raise you a big bowl of ice cream

Here, here!

And I''ll be enjoying some lovely dark chocolate with my cosmo over here, thanks.

 

[risingsun]

I think it would be a lovely gesture to invite MIL''s best friend. We invited MIL''s close friends who were happy for us, as well as MIL. It brought us all a great deal of joy. Being gracious about this situation will go a long way in fostering a positive relationship with MIL, IMHO.

 

[Smurfysmiles]

Date: 11/10/2009 2:01:13 PM
Author: vc10um

Date: 11/10/2009 1:57:47 PM

Author: lilyfoot

It''s so funny how a simple post can spur so many different responses

Like I said, nobody here, besides OP knows the full story. Currently, we are all ''guilty'' of putting our own personal spin on it. That''s all we can do until OP comes back!


There are so many possible scenarios here, that it''s impossible to decipher the brides character, or intent. We are going off of a second-hand account of a conversation. I''m sure it''s not typed verbatim!


If the bride is in fact, leaving somebody out of the wedding who is important in the couple''s life, then I would agree, that''s horrible and sad. If it''s some random lady of no significance to her, then I see no problem with it.


I see you ladies popcorn & martini and raise you a big bowl of ice cream

Here, here!


And I''ll be enjoying some lovely dark chocolate with my cosmo over here, thanks.

Lol I''m down to just my nails and I''ll be darned if I chew on those!!!

 

[lucyandroger]

Date: 11/10/2009 1:57:47 PM
Author: lilyfoot
It's so funny how a simple post can spur so many different responses

Like I said, nobody here, besides OP knows the full story. Currently, we are all 'guilty' of putting our own personal spin on it. That's all we can do until OP comes back!

There are so many possible scenarios here, that it's impossible to decipher the brides character, or intent. We are going off of a second-hand account of a conversation. I'm sure it's not typed verbatim!

If the bride is in fact, leaving somebody out of the wedding who is important in the couple's life, then I would agree, that's horrible and sad. If it's some random lady of no significance to her, then I see no problem with it.

I see you ladies popcorn & martini and raise you a big bowl of ice cream

ETA: I don't see anything mentioned in the original post about finances? She says they 'haven't done anything' for the wedding, that could mean other things besides finances.

And I can assure you there is no personal sensitivity here, I am not now, nor will I ever be, planning a wedding.

The second line of the conversation in the OP says:

my friend: "no, they aren't paying, why should they get to choose who is invited?"


We just disagree that's all. I don't think it matters if the person is a random lady of no signifance to the bride if that random lady is someone important in the FMIL's life. If my FMIL asked us to invite her best friend, I wouldn't think twice about slapping that name on the guest list. That's just me and I'm allowed to hope that if I have a FDIL at some point, she's the same way.

ETA - And frankly the surrounding circumstances don't really change my opinion. If it meant that much to the FMIL knowing the circumstances of the wedding small/large or whatever, then I would do that for her. But that's just my opinion and other people are certainly entitled to feel differently!

Now I can't drink because I'm at work but I could definitely do with a LARGE coffee!

 

[FrekeChild]

It just depends on the circumstances of the wedding. For instance, with our wedding, if my FILs were trying to force their hand and make me invite someone I wasn''t comfortable inviting, you can bet you @$$ I wouldn''t invite them either. Then again my dad is paying for almost everything and our guest list consists of 32 people.

If it were something more like 100 and up, more understandable.