is it okay for your bridesmaid to complain about dress costs?

[february2003bride]

Yes and no and I''ll soon be on both sides. When I was getting married I didn''t want my dresses to cost more than $120 and even that I thought was expensive. I knew that the women would never wear this dress again but I did want it to look nice. The dresses I found cost $110.00 without alterations and they looked great.

Now I''m a MOH in my friend''s wedding and I think she''s planning on keeping it to $200 and under. I suggested a $300 bridesmaid gown that was fab, but she nixed it due to costs. It''s a balance!

 

[february2003bride]

Biblo- If YOU love the BM dresses so much, why not buy them as gifts for the bridal party? OR pay for half?

 

[havernell]

style="WIDTH: 99%; HEIGHT: 205px">Date: 12/13/2006 8:56:37 PM
Author: psaddict

I completely agree! I actually have a couple of dresses that I bought and picked out on my own to wear to something nice, thinking that I''d wear them again, and years later they''ve never come out of my closet after being worn once. So I can''t imagine I''d wear a fancy dress I didn''t even pick out myself again!

This is a separate thought, but I also felt worried after reading the title of this post, biblobaggins23... ''is it OK for your bridesmaid to complain?'' It sounds like you think that there''s a good chance they won''t be happy with the dress or the price of the dress, and are just hoping that they will keep these thoughts to themselves because it''s ''not ok'' to complain.

don''t you want them to be happy and feel comfortable, and not be feeling annoyed/resentful through your wedding because they''re wearing a dress they don''t like and paid an arm and a leg for, but bottling these feelings up? I''m sure you don''t want this to really be the case.

I had the same thought as psaddict. If you even have to ask this question it''s probably a red flag that you are asking your BMs to spend too much. You know in your gut what is a reasonable price for a dress based on their financial situations. Go with your gut and don''t put them in a position of having to complain.

And as others have said, just because *you* think a dress is "re-wearable" doesn''t mean that your BMs will feel the same way about it. Everyone has different tastes, so that really shouldn''t be part of your justification for making them buy a more expensive dress.

Finally, have you considered seeing if buying fabric and getting a similar BM dress made by a seamstress would cost less than the original? Worth a try at least.

 

[ChargerGrrl]

Date: 12/13/2006 8:28:21 PM
Author: tanyak

Date: 12/13/2006 7:46:44 PM
Author: psaddict

Date: 12/13/2006 3:02:09 PM
Author: biblobaggins23
i have a dress in mind, and i would hate for a bridesmaid to threaten to back out of the wedding. if she did, i would be devestated. i would say that i have been in weddings wear i thought the dresses were affordable, but lwere poorly made and the material was not good quality. i want good quality material and i want my bridesmaids to look good in my pictures. i want my bridesmaids to be well tailored and look expensive, but not have to pay 500 dollars. i did find a dress that is pricey, but not like 500 dollars. they are gorgeous and i had my 2 sisters try them on with my mom with us. they looked great in them and we decided thats what we are going to do we all love them. because they are classic i know they can wear them again. my sister said she would wear it to another wedding or formal party. hopefully i will get the same response from my bms.
thanks for all your advice!!! i will now know how to approach the situation.

much appreciated!

You say it''s not $500... does that mean it''s $300 or $350? And the rest of your bridesmaids haven''t even seen it yet? If money isn''t a problem for any of these girls, it may not be a problem at all, but something in the $250 - $350 range is asking kind of a lot for the typical girl.. especially considering they had not even a tiny bit of say in what the dress looks like or anything. I don''t know... I don''t think I''d feel thrilled about being expected to shell out that much for a dress that could be unflattering on me or not my style. Maybe you should talk to all the bridesmaids before making a final decision? Just my opinion.

I agree.

One final thought. At this stage in my life (I''m 31), I''d almost rather pay $90 bucks for a dress that I''ll only wear once than $350 for a dress that is called rewearable. Frankly, I don''t ever attend any very formal weddings or other events that would call for such a fancy dress and it would sit in my closet either way

.

DITTO!

I''m 35, and make good money. NO WAY would I spend $500, or even $350 for a BM dress. And even though you say that they can wear them again, who knows... The majority of BM dresses are NOT worn again.

 

[RoseAngel04]

Date: 12/13/2006 11:36:07 PM
Author: ChargerGrrl

I'm 35, and make good money. NO WAY would I spend $500, or even $350 for a BM dress. And even though you say that they can wear them again, who knows... The majority of BM dresses are NOT worn again.

Oh my Charger you don't look even close to 35! From the pic you posted of you in your bachlorette shirt I assumed you were around 26-28!

ETA: I agree $350 + IMO is way to much to ask a BM to pay for their dress. I can't even imagine what mine would say to me. I'm trying to keep the dress budget around $150!

 

[diamondfan]

I think it is so case dependant. Overall, even with girls who are more financially sound, I think that it is always best to be considerate when choosing a dress. I would pay a bit more for a nice quality dress that I would maybe wear again, but generally I think you need to be fair, and not thrust that upon someone regardless of their income.

 

[decodelighted]

It's important to remember that the dress is only ONE of MANY expenses involved in being in a wedding party.

* dress
* shoes
* travel
* hotel
* hair
* makeup
* travel to bridal shower
* part of bridal shower
* shower gift
* travel to bachelorette party
* expenses related to bachelorette party
* perhaps bachelorette party gift
* wedding gift

It can REALLY add up quickly. I would NOT assume they'll be able to wear the dresses again and expensive fabrics looking nicer in pictures? How close up are the pictures gonna be? It's not like thread counts on sheets or anything ...

Just the way this question is PHRASED gets me ... "is it okay?" ... these are your FRIENDS and RELATIVES ... IMO OF COURSE it's "okay" for them to tell you if they don't think it's affordable or unreasonable of you to ask. But the most polite thing to do (again IMO) is use you best judgement about what IS reasonable and don't ask any more than that -- or have private conversations about costs before you even start your selection process - so you don't get your heart set on one thing only to resent THEIR budget-constrictions.

 

[diamondfan]

Deco and others make a good point. There are tons of expenses incurred being in a wedding, and if there is travel and baby sitters involved it is even more costly. Most typical BM dresses are not likely going to be used again, it is just a fact. When I got married I went to Neiman''s and chose a designer''s black cocktail dress. All my bm''s liked it and looked good in it, short, tall, busty, slim, etc. It was off the rack in the evening dept so it was something one could concievably buy to go out to a nice event. Most of my bm''s wore theirs to the theater and to a couple of cocktail parties. One of the girls had money constraints so I just paid the overage on what she could comfortably afford, it was no biggie to me and I wanted her to feel okay and since they all loved the dress and it worked on all of them I really did not want to go back to the drawing board. My wedding was local and I was one of the first in my group to marry, so sitters etc were not an issue, and my mother in law and my mom''s friends threw the showers, I asked the girls to go to one of three that I was thrown so they were not having to buy three gifts, and I was happy with a dish towel honestly. This was 16 plus years ago, but still, I would just think it is human nature for some people to be more open about voicing an opinion. To me, you have the right to ASK and they have right to say NO, and once they do agree, any concerns or issues should be discussed with you openly so a resolution can be found. I hate the behind the back stuff, when someone is willing to bitch to others but not to resolve it with the main person involved...but I digress. The answer is YES, they can, but I would hope it is done in a mature and constructive way so that defenses are not raised and cooler heads can come up with an option that works for all involved...

 

[budgetbride]

for me I''m sticking to a budget of about $120- $150. My rule of thumb is if I wouldn''t pay for it I don''t expect you to.

Now I do have a bit of a problem with the complaining part. Given that the wedding will already cost, be a bit courteous. Perhaps instead of bms complaining, send the bride some alternative pics of the same dress...EVERY dress seems to have a cheaper double somewhere. I just think with everything else to stress about, a dress shouldn''t be one of them.

 

[dtnyc]

Date: 12/14/2006 12:05:11 AM
Author: diamondfan
Overall, even with girls who are more financially sound, I think that it is always best to be considerate when choosing a dress. I would pay a bit more for a nice quality dress that I would maybe wear again, but generally I think you need to be fair, and not thrust that upon someone regardless of their income.

As someone who has been a BM in 3 weddings - I find the idea of a high quality BM dress to be a myth- like a unicorn. I bought a VW maids dress that retailed for almost $300 for about $230, it was 100% polyester and is 100% unwearable again. I live in NYC and would be laughed out of any black-tie event if I wore a polyester floor length dress to- w/ a kick train and a ribbon belt.

Even
expensive dresses that seem high qualitycan be pieces of crap that no one will ever wear again.

There is no point in paying designer prices unless you are telling your girls to buy dresses that are silk, or another high end fabric. Spending 200 and up on a polyester dress is just sad.

You can''t even light them on fire- they just melt!!!!

 

[bee*]

I think that they have a right to complain if they genuinly dont like the dress or if its out of their price range. I live in Ireland and I have never heard of the bridesmaids buying their own dress over here. The bride always pays for them so if I was made buy my own bridesmaid dress I would definitely want one that I liked as well as the bride liking it

 

[MINE!!]

Date: 12/13/2006 6:10:22 PM
Author: TravelingGal
Is it all common these days for the bride to pay for all the dresses? I would imagine that would put a bit damper in the complaint department (not just about the dresses, but about BM duties in general, as it would be seen as a nice gesture). If people are spending 1000s on a wedding, wouldn''t it be nice to spend a few hundred on dresses and have happy bridesmaids?


I didn''t have bridesmaids, but we did pay for everything that was worn by those standing with us, including the officiant. When I was my brother''s groomswoman, he gave me $300 to go buy a dress of my choosing.

I did this Travel,

I paid for all my Bmaids gowns and of course my flower girls too. Funny, it sobering, but I am glad that I did it.

 

[Maria D]

dtnyc, I got a kick out of your post, especially the last line. I have a vision of you trying to burn the damn thing but it will only melt! I think you are absolutely right about there being no such thing as typical bridesmaid dress that can be worn again. The bridesmaid dress is just as much a "costume" as the wedding dress. You wear it once, for the intended occasion, and that''s it. Unless you go the route diamondfan did and get "evening dept." dresses, you shouldn''t expect that your maids will ever use the dress again. All of my b.m. dresses (only 3) did get reused -- by my daughter and friends for halloween costumes!

 

[diamondfan]

I do know girls who had bridesmaid parties, and the costume was to wear a dress the ugliest you had worn in a wedding! how funny...

I agree about the polyester part. I knew I wanted my bm''s in black so I started at bridal stores. Most of what I saw back then was CRAP, it would make a better shower curtain that a dress. Totally awful. One dress, a black and white combo, had white soooo see thru you could see freckles etc through the material and the white was in places it should not have been if one could see through it like that. Cheap and awful. I am sure nowadays the choices are better but still, I just did not think anything back then was decent looking or worth the money. I then thought, what girl does not need a cute little black dress, something they might see when wandering through a nice department store, and why not look there for something, since it might be more wearable after the fact? (some of the girls did not have one in their wardrobe at that point). It just made sense to not try to reinvent the wheel, if I wanted black short dresses, make it more likely that it would be something you could have chosen when going to the dress section of a nice store. It worked well for me in the end, and since the one style actually accomodated a wide range of my bm''s shapes, I was thrilled.

I think it you are asking girls to spend a large chunk of change on something in a less than nice fabric, in a shape and color that they would never choose for themselves, it is highly unlikely they will use it again. Therefore, find something inexpensive or just buy it for them, or at least work out some compromise so everyone can feel good about being involved and not feel stressed about the mounting costs...

 

[tanyak]

I just wanted to clarify something I said earlier re the price of a dress. Even if a dress was made of a nice silk material, was short and black (an overall really nice dress), I would still have problems paying $300 plus for it. I just don't have that kind of money for a dress like that and I don't run in social circles or attend social events that require that type of dress. I would still rather pay a third of that even if the cheaper dress was more disposable.

Someone listed ALL the things that BMs are buy/are responsible for, and that extra $200 I would save on the dress could go a long ways toward some of those items.

I hate to make it sound like it just comes down to dollars and cents, but frankly, in a lot of cases, it does. I really would encourage you to talk to your bridesmaids.

 

[allycat0303]

Well I don''t know what the etiquette rules are about complaining or not, I would try to have a meeting and discuss with them how much everyone was comfortable spending. If they were of widely different financial situations, then I would pay the difference. Although for me personally, I''m going to let my bridesmaid wear different dresses, and let them choose, my only stipulation is going to be the color (broadly...they can pick the shade) so I suppose that gives me more leeway in terms of budget. I think it can be hurtful to ask someone to spend more then they are able/comfortable doing, because then they feel bad that they can''t or get stressed etc., and that might make the wedding a little uncomfortable.

 

[diamondfan]

I agree, even if it is a great dress, that may not be where you want to spend your money...and as much as I might love my friend and be happy to be involved, there is not an endless source of money for people to spend on this, esp. if they are also in other weddings around the same time...which can happen as all of one''s friends start to get engaged and married...it is tough for the bridesmaid who accepts knowing that there are expectations, but yet it never hurts to have a conversation about the details and what the bride expectsos. This might help eliminate trouble later, and if a girl feels she cannot commit, then she can say so at that time.

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 12/14/2006 1:32:55 AM
Author: dtnyc
As someone who has been a BM in 3 weddings - I find the idea of a high quality BM dress to be a myth- like a unicorn. I bought a VW maids dress that retailed for almost $300 for about $230, it was 100% polyester and is 100% unwearable again. I live in NYC and would be laughed out of any black-tie event if I wore a polyester floor length dress to- w/ a kick train and a ribbon belt.

AHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. ROTFL.

So ... so ... so hilariously TRUE!!!

FWIW ... the Aria line, which is quite inexpensive, has *real* silk shantung dresses ... as opposed to the shmantzy Vera Wang "Flambe" collection.

p.s -- perhaps there should be some new tradition where the Bride must buy one of the bridesmaids dresses HERSELF and wear it out to at least TWO social events before foisting it on her helpless posse.

(Some of you may recall that I avoided this whole shebang by having a single "Dude of Honor" - granted, I did have him dress as a Chicken

. JK!).

 

[Blenheim]

Depends on how you define complain -- it''s not okay for your bridesmaids to stomp their feet and whine, but it is okay for them to voice their opinions in a more mature way if you choose something that''s too expensive or not flattering.


Would you girls consider dresses from J Crew, Ann Taylor, and Aria to be rewearable? We''re looking most seriously at those companies right now for our dresses, although it''s going to take a trip or two to some stores with the girls to actually decide. They wouldn''t melt, at least, which I think is a start...

 

[ljmorgan]

Goodness...

Bridesmaids should not 'complain' about the dress chosen -- however, that doesn't mean that financial situations can't or won't interfere. When a bride selects the bridesmaid dress, she should carefully consider the financial situation of each bridesmaid. If she chooses a dress that is not within means of some bridesmaids but she insists on that dress, she should offer financial assistance or offer to purchase it outright.

 

[dtnyc]

Date: 12/14/2006 7:23:27 PM
Author: Blenheim

Would you girls consider dresses from J Crew, Ann Taylor, and Aria to be rewearable?

Yes, yes and I guess it depends which style(s) of Aria.

W/ J. Crew and A. Taylor the girls can order more than one size and then go w/ which fits them best and return the extra to the store w/o issue.
I am bias because I did J. Crew and let them choose from 6 styles (all same length and color) and I think they looked great. And there were no shopping trips, they just all ordered them online or called- I ordered one first to OK the color, and then returned it, but ended up buying it again when it went on sale.

I have a friend who wore an Aria and liked it but said it was larger than expected. She didn''t have it altered for the wedding, but she should have, post-wedding she had it altered (it had been floor length) and she has worn it since then, but also feels like she has to wear it because she spend $$$ having it altered.

 

[biblobaggins23]

Date: 12/13/2006 9:35:17 PM
Author: february2003bride
Biblo- If YOU love the BM dresses so much, why not buy them as gifts for the bridal party? OR pay for half?

well, first of all, i haven''t even talked to my bridesmaids yet or asked my friends to be my maids yet...but i just want to know what to expect. i won''t be paying for the dresses out of my own pocket because i have wedding expenses, but after reading the comments it seems like its just about the bridesmaids feelings. i feel, that i have to look at my pictures for the rest of my life and i should be happy with the dresses no matter what they cost. they are not terribly expensive. but not cheap or davids bridal type. more like bcbg....

 

[tanyak]

It''s not ALL about their feelings, but it''s very nice when the bride thinks about their feelings. "Not terribly expensive" is relative, but as others have mentioned, you even posing the question suggests that the dresses might fall on the pricier side.

Date: 12/15/2006 10:18:19 PM
Author: biblobaggins23


well, first of all, i haven''t even talked to my bridesmaids yet or asked my friends to be my maids yet...but i just want to know what to expect. i won''t be paying for the dresses out of my own pocket because i have wedding expenses, but after reading the comments it seems like its just about the bridesmaids feelings. i feel, that i have to look at my pictures for the rest of my life and i should be happy with the dresses no matter what they cost. they are not terribly expensive. but not cheap or davids bridal type. more like bcbg....

I hate to be blunt, but the bolded part is easy for you to say since you''re not the one that will be buying it. When I look at my wedding pictures, I''m happy because my maids are smiling, dancing and having a great time - not because I''m admiring their dresses.

 

[AndyRosse]

Biblo, I didn''t read this entire thread, but I just wanted to let you know that I understand your position. I don''t know how expensive your dresses are, but my BM dresses were about $125 plus alterations. Two of my BMs definitely could afford that and more, so there were no issues. However, my MOH definitely was in no position to be spending money on things that were not necessary, and I knew that at the time I asked her to be in the wedding. I told her from the very beginning that I would pay for the dress and everything because I wanted her in the wedding.

So basically, if the dress price is within their means, then you should not feel guilty for asking them to buy that particular dress. However, if the dress price is not within their means, I would either consider helping paying or finding a different dress. But that''s just my opinion

 

[dtnyc]

Date: 12/15/2006 10:46:00 PM
Author: tanyak
It''s not ALL about their feelings, but it''s very nice when the bride thinks about their feelings. ''Not terribly expensive'' is relative, but as others have mentioned, you even posing the question suggests that the dresses might fall on the pricier side.

Date: 12/15/2006 10:18:19 PM

Author: biblobaggins23



well, first of all, i haven''t even talked to my bridesmaids yet or asked my friends to be my maids yet...but i just want to know what to expect. i won''t be paying for the dresses out of my own pocket because i have wedding expenses, but after reading the comments it seems like its just about the bridesmaids feelings. i feel, that i have to look at my pictures for the rest of my life and i should be happy with the dresses no matter what they cost. they are not terribly expensive. but not cheap or davids bridal type. more like bcbg....

I hate to be blunt, but the bolded part is easy for you to say since you''re not the one that will be buying it. When I look at my wedding pictures, I''m happy because my maids are smiling, dancing and having a great time - not because I''m admiring their dresses.

I am w/ Tanyak here- don''t you want your BM''s to be smiling because they feel good about themselves in the dresses? It would look bad if they were in dresses that they felt were unflattering/uncomfortable and they were forcing smiles while standing next to you!

 

[diamondfan]

biblo, I do not think anyone here is implying that you have no say or are not important. I think some people are playing devil''s advocate and just pointing out the other p.o.v. for you. I have been in a couple of weddings (I was a lot younger and money was not plentiful) and like someone pointed out, one person''s view of not too pricey is not the same for all. And I personally do not like to spend money for other people. So, if when you show them some of your top picks, price comes up, there are options. If all but one girl is fine with it, take her aside and offer to contribute or buy it for her. If more than one has issues, offer to pay some of it for each or pick something else. Trust me that in a photo, you really will not be able to discern the difference...I have seen those magazine articles with spot the copy and pick the designer original and even having a pretty good knowledge of fashion, I am not always right. I am sure whatever you chose will be lovely. I think some of us were just trying to show how a bm might potentially feel, and that the dress is but one cost in being in a wedding...so just have awareness of that, and allow for feelings to be expressed, in a nice way, not in a nasty way...

 

[anchor31]

Date: 12/15/2006 10:18:19 PM
Author: biblobaggins23
well, first of all, i haven''t even talked to my bridesmaids yet or asked my friends to be my maids yet...but i just want to know what to expect. i won''t be paying for the dresses out of my own pocket because i have wedding expenses, but after reading the comments it seems like its just about the bridesmaids feelings. i feel, that i have to look at my pictures for the rest of my life and i should be happy with the dresses no matter what they cost. they are not terribly expensive. but not cheap or davids bridal type. more like bcbg....

No, that''s not what we said... We said that your feelings are important, but your BMs feelings are important as well, and their budget too. As for "no matter what they cost", we''re suggesting that you should stay in a reasonable price range that you''ll have discussed with your BMs beforehand.

 

[musey]

Date: 12/15/2006 10:18:19 PM
Author: biblobaggins23
...
i won't be paying for the dresses out of my own pocket because i have wedding expenses, but after reading the comments it seems like its just about the bridesmaids feelings. i feel, that i have to look at my pictures for the rest of my life and i should be happy with the dresses no matter what they cost.

Oh, goodness. No one even came close to saying that it's "just about the bridesmaids' feelings." Yes, you should be happy when you look at your pictures 20 years from now, but as other posters pointed out, is it worth potentially angering friends over? You don't want to become a bridezilla!

We shouldn't have to tell you to care about your bridesmaids' input and feelings, they are the women closest to you in your life (if not, why are they in your wedding??) so you already care for and respect them.


Correct me if I'm wrong, married PS ladies, but marriage is about constant compromise to strike a happy balance for both partners. You will have many discussions over your lifetime about priorities where money is concerned--why wouldn't you choose to carry that spirit over to your wedding? Have that discussion with your Bridemaids, find out their priorities (obviously, in addition to your own) and go from there. You may find that they are all willing to spend $200+ on a dress for your (that's right, your) wedding that they may never wear again or may not even like. If not, it's hardly the end of the world.

Strike a balance!

 

[ljmorgan]

I guess that I should just say... with an "IT''S ALL ABOUT ME" attitude, you''re probably going to run into a lot of problems in your wedding planning. If the dresses mean so much to you that you care more about the dresses than the actual bridesmaids... you have a big problem, and will probably have plenty more in the future. Believe it or not, when you choose to include people in your wedding, your wedding is not all about you anymore. I can''t imagine saying "I have to look at the pictures, the dresses should be the exact ones I want" and holding that over the happiness of my friends.

 

[kittykat]

Hi Guys,
I''ve been MIA but I have a story. When I got married I asked my sister and FSIL to be bridesmaids. I gave them color guidlines and no response from anyone about the dresses even though the date was approaching. I decided to email them dresses that I liked to further guide them in their search. It turns out these "examples" were in the $200 range. My sister called me and said "Oh I had something else in mind" I said ok find something and show me no prob.

My FSIL decided to complain to my then FI and told him that the dresses I was picking were to expensive especially if she was only going to wear it once and that her friend found $60 dresses for her bridesmaids. I was so offended because she really should have complained to me not my then FI. Furthermore, I wanted her to pick her own dress so she would be happy and spend what she wanted so I wasn''t sure why she was complaining.

In the end, my sister found two $300 dresses marked down to $50 and I asked my FSIL if she liked it and wanted me to find it for her and she said sure. Well I went through the trouble of hunting it down in her size ordering it and paying for it and then she deccided not to wear it. Instead she wore a different dress and didn''t even ask me if I liked it ahead of time.

I didn''t get what her problem was especially since she has a decent job, didn''t come to my bridal shower or bachelorette party and didn''t get me a gift for either. That''s am extreme example of a bridesmaid complaining. I would suggest finding dresses you like, setting up color, and style guidelines, maybe there are certain fabrics you like and ask them to pick thier own dresses. If they really can''t afford it, I would offer to pay for at least half. It''s funny because I felt a little bad about asking my BM''s to pay for their dresses. In a way I wish I had payed for them because I could have avoided this whole fiasco. Good luck and Congrats!