is it okay for your bridesmaid to complain about dress costs?

[psaddict]

Date: 12/15/2006 10:18:19 PM
Author: biblobaggins23

Date: 12/13/2006 9:35:17 PM
Author: february2003bride
Biblo- If YOU love the BM dresses so much, why not buy them as gifts for the bridal party? OR pay for half?

well, first of all, i haven''t even talked to my bridesmaids yet or asked my friends to be my maids yet...but i just want to know what to expect. i won''t be paying for the dresses out of my own pocket because i have wedding expenses, but after reading the comments it seems like its just about the bridesmaids feelings. i feel, that i have to look at my pictures for the rest of my life and i should be happy with the dresses no matter what they cost. they are not terribly expensive. but not cheap or davids bridal type. more like bcbg....

It is not JUST about the bridesmaids, but it is a bit selfish to not take their needs into consideration at all. Do you care at all about these girls? If you''re so worried about having fancy looking dresses in your photos, you should offer to either pay for the dresses or help pay for the dresses. It''s not fair to push them to pay for something they can''t really afford just because you want it and don''t want to help pay for it. You say you can''t help pay because you have "wedding expenses," well they not only have wedding expenses such as shoes, hair, gifts, but also may have personal bills and expenses that make it hard for them to shell out what you expect them to pay for the dress. Do you want the dresses to look nice but your bridesmaids to look miserable on your wedding day? Talk to them, have them get involved so that they feel comfortable with how they look in the dress and feel comfortable with the cost. You don''t want pictures where they''re standing awkwardly because they feel the dress looks awful on them, or have these girls who are your friends and relatives feel uncomfortable or worried about the cost. You can find a compromise that makes everyone happy, OR help to pay for the more expensive dress that you want.

 

[Christa]

Biblo, if it''s important to you to have these particular dresses, I think you should pay for them. If you are asking your BM''s to pay for them, you need to be very open to their suggestions and budget concerns. And to put it in perspective, keep in mind that many wedding details (like BM dresses) that seem hugely important to the bride aren''t even noticed by 90% of the guests. Definitely not worth losing friends over!

 

[VRBeauty]

I've attended quite a few weddings, and only two bridesmaids dresses stand out in my mind. One bride selected a beautiful fabric (cranberry velvet for a fall wedding) and allowed each bridesmaid to choose the style best for her. The other wedding that stands out is a friend who had just one attendant. The MOH chose a lovely St Johns knit outfit that I can still picture because she's worn it several times since! As for the rest, I don't remember ever thinking a dress was unattractive, but well... I tend to remember how weddings "felt" much more thay how they looked.

I understand that this is a once in a lifetime occasion and you want nice pictures to remember it by, but... when you look at the pictures that posted by brides here or on other wedding forums, do you really find yourself focusing on the perfection of the BM's dresses?

 

[dtnyc]

This is so timely. I was just asked to be in my SIL''s wedding. She picked out the dress w/o any input from the bridal party- in fact she picked out the dress BEFORE asking us to be in the wedding. It''s a brown VW strapless long maids dress. Polyester satin (shiny) with a butt bow and what looks like a small sweep train. I just have to laugh. She bought 4 of them at the sample sale for $25 each w/o even asking anyone for their sizes/measurements. 2 more dresses need to be purchased and the retail cost is 290.

I have a friend who works for VW, so I asked SIL for the style number to see if I could get one more dress at cost through her, SIL looks at the tag and shreiks that the dress is 100% polyester. It was funny... I think she thought that by going with a high end fancy designer like VW that she would get silk or something.

We are going to look like an army of shiny polyester clad turds!

With butt bows!

 

[musey]

Date: 12/17/2006 1:29:24 PM
Author: dtnyc
We are going to look like an army of shiny polyester clad turds!


With butt bows!

hahahahahahahaha

 

[anchor31]

Haha... Buttbows... Yikes!

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 12/15/2006 10:18:19 PM
Author: biblobaggins23

Date: 12/13/2006 9:35:17 PM
Author: february2003bride
Biblo- If YOU love the BM dresses so much, why not buy them as gifts for the bridal party? OR pay for half?

well, first of all, i haven''t even talked to my bridesmaids yet or asked my friends to be my maids yet...but i just want to know what to expect. i won''t be paying for the dresses out of my own pocket because i have wedding expenses, but after reading the comments it seems like its just about the bridesmaids feelings. i feel, that i have to look at my pictures for the rest of my life and i should be happy with the dresses no matter what they cost. they are not terribly expensive. but not cheap or davids bridal type. more like bcbg....

You think you should be happy with them "no matter what the cost" (and I am assuming with that statement, cost = expensive instead of cheap) yet you won''t be paying for them out of your own pocket because there are other things you''d rather pay for. That sounds to me that you think people should pay for them (because you certainly won''t) because it''s all about YOUR happiness.

BCBG dresses (the bridesmaidy ones) run 200-300 bucks or more. They are not *terribly* expensive, but you acknowledge then that they are SOMEWHAT expensive, right? I think that you already have your mind made up...so I feel sorry for your bridesmaids.

And no one said it is all about the bridesmaids. But maybe you interpreted it that way because the majority of the responses didn''t tell you what you wanted to hear: that it''s all about YOU.

 

[anchor31]

Date: 12/17/2006 11:56:11 PM
Author: TravelingGal

You think you should be happy with them ''no matter what the cost'' (and I am assuming with that statement, cost = expensive instead of cheap) yet you won''t be paying for them out of your own pocket because there are other things you''d rather pay for. That sounds to me that you think people should pay for them (because you certainly won''t) because it''s all about YOUR happiness.

BCBG dresses (the bridesmaidy ones) run 200-300 bucks or more. They are not *terribly* expensive, but you acknowledge then that they are SOMEWHAT expensive, right? I think that you already have your mind made up...so I feel sorry for your bridesmaids.

And no one said it is all about the bridesmaids. But maybe you interpreted it that way because the majority of the responses didn''t tell you what you wanted to hear: that it''s all about YOU.

Really? 200-300 or more?? Okay, I think that''s way too expensive for BM dresses, especially if you expect them to shell out for this on their own! BTW, I''ve seen plenty of wedding pics where the BMs were wearing david''s bridal and the like, and they looked beautiful.

 

[musey]

Date: 12/18/2006 7:34:32 AM
Author: anchor31


Really? 200-300 or more?? Okay, I think that's way too expensive for BM dresses, especially if you expect them to shell out for this on their own! BTW, I've seen plenty of wedding pics where the BMs were wearing david's bridal and the like, and they looked beautiful.

I wholeheartedly agree!! My cousin had her BM dresses sewn by her sister-in-law-to-be. They cost about $25 each and looked GORGEOUS.

Author: TravelingGal[/b]
And no one said it is all about the bridesmaids. But maybe you interpreted it that way because the majority of the responses didn't tell you what you wanted to hear: that it's all about YOU.

Word.

 

[E B]

$200-$300 for a dress I didn't choose for myself? That I'd never wear again? Ha!

I wouldn't ask my friends or family to do such a thing, but that's just me. When it comes to making someone spend $$$, even if it's for MY wedding, their feelings come first. I would feel incredibly guilty saying, "HERE, SPEND THIS MUCH ON A DRESS I CHOOSE" anyway, but for one that's $200+? I just couldn't.

I think the best solution is to buy the girls the dress you've chosen. That way, the pictures will be perfect and they won't be out tons of $. If you scoff at that idea because you'd rather spend that money on something else, then you'll know how they might feel.

 

[gingerBcookie]

I paid for my BMs' dresses...they were <$100 each and i thought everyone looked gorgeous. I paid for them because as everyone else stated, I had BMs who were still students and couldn't afford it and I KNEW they were already going to spend a lot of money on gifts, showers, bachelrette parties, hair on the day of and I'm asking them for a favor so this was part of my thank you gift for being with me during this wonderful moment in my life.

You don't want to pay for the dresses because you have "wedding expenses"? Consider the BM dresses as part of your "wedding expenses" and problem is solved.

Now if YOU can't afford to pay for expensive BM dresses for YOUR OWN wedding, how can you expect your BMs to? It not THEIR special day. And yes, when someone agrees to be a BM that person should understand that they commit a certain amount of time and money, but the amount of time and money "commitable" varies by individual and that is something that needs to be worked out between the bride and the BM. If your BM cannot afford a dress you choose, it is between you and her whether she should back out, or if you want her badly enough, you are going to have to compromise (less expensive dress, pay for a portion or all of it).

Weddings are a part of life, and in life there have to be compromises. I don't understand why there are people out there (i.e. bridezillas) in whom that concept files the coop as soon as the word "wedding" enters into the equation.

 

[Christa]

Date: 12/18/2006 5:21:24 PM
Author: gingerBcookie
I paid for my BMs'' dresses...they were <$100 each and i thought everyone looked gorgeous. I paid for them because as everyone else stated, I had BMs who were still students and couldn''t afford it and I KNEW they were already going to spend a lot of money on gifts, showers, bachelrette parties, hair on the day of and I''m asking them for a favor so this was part of my thank you gift for being with me during this wonderful moment in my life.

You don''t want to pay for the dresses because you have ''wedding expenses''? Consider the BM dresses as part of your ''wedding expenses'' and problem is solved.

Now if YOU can''t afford to pay for expensive BM dresses for YOUR OWN wedding, how can you expect your BMs to? It not THEIR special day. And yes, when someone agrees to be a BM that person should understand that they commit a certain amount of time and money, but the amount of time and money ''commitable'' varies by individual and that is something that needs to be worked out between the bride and the BM. If your BM cannot afford a dress you choose, it is between you and her whether she should back out, or if you want her badly enough, you are going to have to compromise (less expensive dress, pay for a portion or all of it).

Weddings are a part of life, and in life there have to be compromises. I don''t understand why there are people out there (i.e. bridezillas) in whom that concept files the coop as soon as the word ''wedding'' enters into the equation.

I missed this quote my first time through, but wow . . . yeah! I totally agree. But then I''ve never understood asking bridesmaids and groomsmen to pay $100+ for the privilege of being in a wedding. It''s an honor to be asked, yes, but it generally involves a large investment of time and money, too. Remember these girls are doing you a favor.

 

[ChargerGrrl]

Date: 12/15/2006 10:18:19 PM
Author: biblobaggins23

well, first of all, i haven''t even talked to my bridesmaids yet or asked my friends to be my maids yet...but i just want to know what to expect. i won''t be paying for the dresses out of my own pocket because i have wedding expenses, but after reading the comments it seems like its just about the bridesmaids feelings. i feel, that i have to look at my pictures for the rest of my life and i should be happy with the dresses no matter what they cost. they are not terribly expensive. but not cheap or davids bridal type. more like bcbg....

You haven''t even asked your friends yet?
I wish I had a wise words of wisdom to offer you, but I don''t think it would help...

GOOD LUCK

 

[TravelingGal]

GingerB, I can''t agree enough!

I swear, if everyone just paid for their BMs dresses, I really think it would go a long way to ease the tension that always seems to erupt during the entire process. BMs like to buy a gift for the couple - they get to choose the gift (i.e., how much they will be spending). BMs also usually don''t mind paying for parties/showers because they have fun too. But the dress! The dress seems to be that necessary evil...and almost always is viewed as a total waste of money. Girls usually are pickier about the dress if they have to pay for it. But if the bride is paying, I find that the BMs are so appreciative, they''ll wear burlap sacks if the bride wants.

 

[KimberlyH]

I planned two weddings the first time but purchased 5 bridesmaid''s dresses; it seemed small price to pay to have my sister and closest girlfriends standing next to me on the alter (I called off the wedding and had no bridesmaids when I did actually get married). When my best friend got married she purchased all of the dresses because she knew they were to her liking, not ours.

I''m not saying this is the only way to go, but if the cost is a bit out of line with the socioeconomic status of your bridesmaids than you should either kick in or find a different dress.

No one said it''s all about them, but this "it''s my wedding and I should get everything I want" mentality is just a bit frightening. At the end of the day will it matter that your bridesmaids forked out the money or that you married the man of your dreams and had a fabulous fun celebration to kick off your lives together?

 

[Miranda]

Date: 12/15/2006 10:18:19 PM
Author: biblobaggins23

Date: 12/13/2006 9:35:17 PM
Author: february2003bride
Biblo- If YOU love the BM dresses so much, why not buy them as gifts for the bridal party? OR pay for half?

well, first of all, i haven''t even talked to my bridesmaids yet or asked my friends to be my maids yet...but i just want to know what to expect. i won''t be paying for the dresses out of my own pocket because i have wedding expenses, but after reading the comments it seems like its just about the bridesmaids feelings. i feel, that i have to look at my pictures for the rest of my life and i should be happy with the dresses no matter what they cost. they are not terribly expensive. but not cheap or davids bridal type. more like bcbg....

Uhhhhh...It''s your wedding...Of course you will have expenses. Have you seen the show Bridezillas? If you haven''t, you probably should. I''m sure you wouldn''t want to act like that.

 

[diamondlove]

Having been a bridesmaid many times now, I think the considerate thing is to get input from your bridesmaids (as I will be doing) but if it is a pretty simple dress that you have in mind and you have taken into account the different figures and likes/dislikes on their behalf then it may not be a big deal. I have had friends who didn't get anyone's input and just told us what dress she'd like us to wear and it turned out just fine. However, she also paid for those dresses and gave them to us as gifts so that was very nice of her.

As for the prices of bridesmaid dresses, I think that depends on your circle of friends (your bridesmaids) and what your girls are used to and their spending habits and financial situation. Some people are reacting to $200-300 but if her circle of friends all spend that much on dresses normally (as do mine), they won't think it's too shocking. Going with BCBG over normal bridesmaid dresses may actually be preferrable and again it depends on the girls. I personally would have preferred to buy a BCBG dress that I would rewear than spend $50 less on a dress that I have NEVER worn again nor would ever want to ever wear.

I have spent anywhere from $0-280 on bridesmaid dresses for my friends so I don't think they'd be horrified if they had to spend somewhere in that range for me. Personally, I am considering covering the cost of my bridesmaid dresses but I just wanted to point out that everyone is making their assumptions based on their own spending habits and their own bridesmaid experiences but it really depends on each individual.

ETA: but I will say that in all of those weddings, the brides have given VERY nice bridesmaid gifts in lieu of paying for the dresses for us. It was their way of saying thank you for all the expenses we spent on their behalf, etc. and they never made it seem like it was something we had to do out of obligation or duty but were always very appreciative.


DL

 

[psaddict]

I think it''s good that biblobaggins is seeing all of these perspectives from different people with different financial situations... because it doesn''t seem like she wants to take her bridesmaid''s opinions or financial needs into account at all. She''s just hoping that they won''t complain out of fear of being rude and will pay for something they can''t afford or don''t like. Even if a friend of mine seemed to spend a lot of money on clothes, that wouldn''t make me feel like I have the right to just expect her to cough up $300 on a dress she had no say in picking. biblobaggins already picked the dresses without even getting one word of input from her maids, and already has decided that she is not going to help any of them pay for the dress. No matter what the financial situations are of the maids, this is out of line in my opinion.

 

[biblobaggins23]

its not that i do not NOT care about my bridesmaids financial situations, because i do like the dresses and if they came up to me individually with a problem, i would work with them. but i do think its rude to complain and a bridesmaid should try the hardest not to make the bride cry or be upset. i haven't complained before when i was forced to wear an expensive sea green/irradescent/turquise outfit. i'm 99% sure on my dresses. i don't want to HATE my bridesmaids dresses on my wedding day. or, should i hate them and settle for something second best that makes me cringe? i checked 5 bridesmaids stores and like the bcbg ones the best.

thanks for all your advice.

 

[musey]

Date: 12/19/2006 8:42:11 PM
Author: biblobaggins23
its not that i do not NOT care about my bridesmaids financial situations, because i do like the dresses and if they came up to me individually with a problem, i would work with them. but i do think its rude to complain and a bridesmaid should try the hardest not to make the bride cry or be upset.

It seems to me that the reason you''re getting such strongly opinionated responses is that you assumed from the beginning that they will complain--which means you must have thought there would be some reason for them to. Why would it even occur to you ahead of time that your BMs would have cause to make you "cry or be upset"?

If you post a question and then fight off responses that so obviously oppose what you think the answer should be, why ask the question at all? It paints you in a different light than you may want (asking if it''s "okay for them to complain because I''ve already made up my mind and I think they should do whatever it takes to make me happy" instead of saying "I picked a BM dress, I hope that they will be okay with it because I really love it!"--option 2 is much more friendly sounding).

And while I''m asking so many questions, is there a meaning behind your screen name being "biblobaggins" instead of "bilbobaggins"? I''ve been dying to ask!!

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 12/19/2006 8:42:11 PM
Author: biblobaggins23
its not that i do not NOT care about my bridesmaids financial situations, because i do like the dresses and if they came up to me individually with a problem, i would work with them. but i do think its rude to complain and a bridesmaid should try the hardest not to make the bride cry or be upset. i haven''t complained before when i was forced to wear an expensive sea green/irradescent/turquise outfit. i''m 99% sure on my dresses. i don''t want to HATE my bridesmaids dresses on my wedding day. or, should i hate them and settle for something second best that makes me cringe? i checked 5 bridesmaids stores and like the bcbg ones the best.

thanks for all your advice.

"forced" eh? So it wasn''t fun I take it? Now you feel like it''s your turn to force others? And how much are these dresses anyway?

And why would second best make you cringe? It''s second BEST, and not second WORST for god''s sake. You seriously can''t find an affordable dress that would work? How inflexible are you?

Am I asking a lot of questions?

 

[musey]

Date: 12/19/2006 9:09:40 PM
Author: TravelingGal
Am I asking a lot of questions?

haha we are on the same wavelength I think

 

[aussiegirl23]

Date: 12/19/2006 8:42:11 PM
Author: biblobaggins23
its not that i do not NOT care about my bridesmaids financial situations, because i do like the dresses and if they came up to me individually with a problem, i would work with them. but i do think its rude to complain and a bridesmaid should try the hardest not to make the bride cry or be upset. i haven''t complained before when i was forced to wear an expensive sea green/irradescent/turquise outfit. i''m 99% sure on my dresses. i don''t want to HATE my bridesmaids dresses on my wedding day. or, should i hate them and settle for something second best that makes me cringe? i checked 5 bridesmaids stores and like the bcbg ones the best.

thanks for all your advice.

JESUS CHRIST! Are you a bride (LIKE A FULL-GROWN ADULT)? OR A FREAKIN'' TODDLER?

Toddlers cry when they don''t get their way (even if it is your wedding... this does not make you GOD for the day). Adults make sure they don''t inflict the same torture (like a dress someone detests) on others just because they experienced it themselves. Oh wait, that''s more like a FRAT- INITIATION thing... still childish and rude.

There are LOTS of dresses out there - even if you''ve found one you LOVE this does not mean all other dresses are ugly pieces of burlap sack... that will make your wedding pictures look cheap. Maybe just your attitude is what will make your pictures look cheap.

Bitching over, I''m just a bit frustrated.

Aussie : p

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 12/19/2006 8:42:11 PM
Author: biblobaggins23

i haven''t complained before when i was forced to wear an expensive sea green/irradescent/turquise outfit. i''m 99% sure on my dresses. i don''t want to HATE my bridesmaids dresses on my wedding day. or, should i hate them and settle for something second best that makes me cringe? i checked 5 bridesmaids stores and like the bcbg ones the best.

Honestly......it''s hard to imagine you couldn''t find a dress that you didn''t *hate* that would be within everyone''s means. Are you saying that you can''t like a dress unless it''s expensive?

If any dress other than the one you like will really make you cringe.....well, there''s a larger maturity issue there, one that seems at odds with being mature enough to marry in the first place.

 

[biblobaggins23]

Date: 12/19/2006 9:25:48 PM
Author: aljdewey

Date: 12/19/2006 8:42:11 PM
Author: biblobaggins23

i haven't complained before when i was forced to wear an expensive sea green/irradescent/turquise outfit. i'm 99% sure on my dresses. i don't want to HATE my bridesmaids dresses on my wedding day. or, should i hate them and settle for something second best that makes me cringe? i checked 5 bridesmaids stores and like the bcbg ones the best.

Honestly......it's hard to imagine you couldn't find a dress that you didn't *hate* that would be within everyone's means. Are you saying that you can't like a dress unless it's expensive?

If any dress other than the one you like will really make you cringe.....well, there's a larger maturity issue there, one that seems at odds with being mature enough to marry in the first place.

i wouldn't go that far to question my maturity just cause i don't like a 100 dollar dress. its a dress i liked. it will look good on everyone and is good quality and doesn't look cheap like the other dresses i looked at. its the one that i want the rest of my bridesmaids to wear. the decision has been made. if any of my maids have a problem with it, i'll be open to discussion or help.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 12/19/2006 9:43:31 PM
Author: biblobaggins23


i wouldn''t go that far to question my maturity just cause i don''t like a 100 dollar dress. its a dress i liked. it will look good on everyone and is good quality and doesn''t look cheap like the other dresses i looked at. its the one that i want the rest of my bridesmaids to wear. the decision has been made. if any of my maids have a problem with it, i''ll be open to discussion or help.

But what if you cry or get upset?

 

[Aurelia]

Date: 12/19/2006 9:43:31 PM
Author: biblobaggins23

i wouldn''t go that far to question my maturity just cause i don''t like a 100 dollar dress. its a dress i liked. it will look good on everyone and is good quality and doesn''t look cheap like the other dresses i looked at. its the one that i want the rest of my bridesmaids to wear. the decision has been made. if any of my maids have a problem with it, i''ll be open to discussion or help.

The decision has been made does not imply "I''m open to discussion"

think about how contradictory you are being. Just a thought.

Best of luck,

Aurelia

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 12/19/2006 9:43:31 PM
Author: biblobaggins23

Date: 12/19/2006 9:25:48 PM
Author: aljdewey

Date: 12/19/2006 8:42:11 PM
Author: biblobaggins23

i haven''t complained before when i was forced to wear an expensive sea green/irradescent/turquise outfit. i''m 99% sure on my dresses. i don''t want to HATE my bridesmaids dresses on my wedding day. or, should i hate them and settle for something second best that makes me cringe? i checked 5 bridesmaids stores and like the bcbg ones the best.

Honestly......it''s hard to imagine you couldn''t find a dress that you didn''t *hate* that would be within everyone''s means. Are you saying that you can''t like a dress unless it''s expensive?

If any dress other than the one you like will really make you cringe.....well, there''s a larger maturity issue there, one that seems at odds with being mature enough to marry in the first place.

i wouldn''t go that far to question my maturity just cause i don''t like a 100 dollar dress. its a dress i liked. it will look good on everyone and is good quality and doesn''t look cheap like the other dresses i looked at. its the one that i want the rest of my bridesmaids to wear. the decision has been made. if any of my maids have a problem with it, i''ll be open to discussion or help.

I didn''t say that you weren''t mature because you didn''t like "a 100 dollar dress". I said that someone who can ONLY like ONE dress.....*the* dress she likes....and cannot like any other? That is immature.....and I still think so.

The decision has been made? Without their input? Very democratic of you.

If I were in the BM position here......well, my decision would be made too. I''d pass and let you find someone else to be your bridesmaid. I''d realize that this one DEMAND would be followed by several more, and I''m just not into that kind of friend.

 

[decodelighted]

Oh boy.

Let's say there were several private and government sponsored studies that offered compelling evidence that asking bridesmaids asked to spend their own money on expensive dresses that they have no say in is "not good" ... "destined to fail" even ... what would you think then?

Let's review:

*The 2nd fave dress is so bad it makes you cringe?
*It's easy to upset you or make you cry ... so bridesmaids/friends/passersby should walk on eggshells/bite lips
*You haven't picked the girls but you HAVE picked the dresses (priorities don't lie, do they?)

Personally I would RUN from this "honor".

 

[Kaleigh]

Oh for heavens sakes, lose the all about me attitude. Yes it's your wedding, but don't ask your BM's to go broke over the dress!!! Keep their budgets in mind, seriously.