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I''ve been watching this thread but didn''t post earlier because I didn''t have anything to say that hadn''t already been said. I also am very strongly pro-choice and have thought through what I would do in this situation, but I didn''t want my views to affect your perspective on the issue. It should be your decision (with your FI) alone.

I''m really glad you and your FI are on the same page, and that both your FI and mom are so supportive! It''s hard enough as it is; I couldn''t imagine going through this without a good support system.

Lots of hugs and support to you and your FI!
 
Date: 2/27/2009 2:30:45 PM
Author: musey
Pils, good for you and your FI. I''m so glad to hear that the decision was made relatively easily - that means you two are on the same page. I''m also glad to hear that you plan to seek counseling to help you through what may be a difficult and confusing time. I think that''s wonderful and incredibly responsible of you.

I wish you and your FI all the best, and I do hope (and expect) that it will just bring you closer.
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Ditto to everything Musey said! As usual, it''s like she''s inside my head! Take care of yourself (((hugs)))
 
I am really glad you and your FI both are on the same page and you both have each other to lean on. That is VERY important.

Please just ignore what I say if you find it offensive or if it doesn't apply to you, because in the end I don't personally know you. I am NOT trying to change your mind, at all, I just want you to really, really, really think about it. Research it. Everything. I know you are a grown woman and capable of making your own decisions, but this really is a huge decision. Many woman make it and never look back, but also many do look back and regret their decision... even years down the road. I know right now it doesn't seem like the best time to have a child, but please be sure that you won't look down the road 5 years from now and wonder what could have been.

I know I am probably going to get a few words from others for saying this, but please know that I am in no way trying to make you second guess yourself or not be supportive of you, because I really am. You know what's best, for yourself, in the long run and each person has the right to choose for themselves.

I saw this site at my local church: http://rachelsvineyard.org/ They have them all over the US and internationally. Although it is religious, I don't think you have to be religious to go. I think even reading the Q&A section may be helpful with any thoughts or feelings you may have and to better understand it. It is for both men and women, so I think it may be helpful, because their are several topics including relationships, mental health, etc.

Most importantly, I wish you and your FI the best.
 
Definitely, Maybe...
I surely hope that nobody has anything negative to say about your post. There is such a valid argument to both sides and I am so glad that people feel comfortable posting their opinions on such a private matter on this forum. I hope we can keep it this way!

I am so proud of everyone here for being so supportive...I told my FI and my mom all about it and they were amazed at what a strong group we are - even if we don't *know* each other.

You all rock. (OK - I am done sounding like my mom now...I am just really awed!)

Pils - still wishing the best for you. Good luck with everything and we hope to see you soon!
 
I am so happy for you that you have an FI who is so caring and supportive and on the same page as you and a mum who is being so supportive that you can talk to about this as well. Good for you both for making the right decision for you and him and for getting counselling :) sounds like a good plan.

I hope your not away for long but take care and big hugs.
 
((((HUGS)))) I''m so sorry to hear that you''re going through this but glad to hear that you and your FI are on the same page. I''m thinking about you and wish you the best. I am pro-choice so I''m not trying to direct you in any direction but want to encourage you to take your time and consider both scenarios completely.
 
Date: 2/27/2009 9:03:09 PM
Author: Definitely, Maybe
I am really glad you and your FI both are on the same page and you both have each other to lean on. That is VERY important.

Please just ignore what I say if you find it offensive or if it doesn''t apply to you, because in the end I don''t personally know you. I am NOT trying to change your mind, at all, I just want you to really, really, really think about it. Research it. Everything. I know you are a grown woman and capable of making your own decisions, but this really is a huge decision. Many woman make it and never look back, but also many do look back and regret their decision... even years down the road. I know right now it doesn''t seem like the best time to have a child, but please be sure that you won''t look down the road 5 years from now and wonder what could have been.

I know I am probably going to get a few words from others for saying this, but please know that I am in no way trying to make you second guess yourself or not be supportive of you, because I really am. You know what''s best, for yourself, in the long run and each person has the right to choose for themselves.

I saw this site at my local church: http://rachelsvineyard.org/ They have them all over the US and internationally. Although it is religious, I don''t think you have to be religious to go. I think even reading the Q&A section may be helpful with any thoughts or feelings you may have and to better understand it. It is for both men and women, so I think it may be helpful, because their are several topics including relationships, mental health, etc.

Most importantly, I wish you and your FI the best.
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I think this is very inappropriate, unnecessary and uncalled for. If you''re not trying to change her mind, why post this at all? I could say more but I don''t want to threadjack Pils'' thread.
 
Pils, I''m glad you have such a supportive fiance and mom, and I''m glad you''re on the same page as your fiance. Best of luck to you, and I hope to see you around here sooner rather than later!
 
It''s wonderful that you have such a great support system, and that you and your fiance came to a decision that was right for both of you. Don''t stay away for too long! Big hugs to you.

Date: 2/27/2009 10:19:06 PM
Author: thing2of2

I think this is very inappropriate, unnecessary and uncalled for. If you''re not trying to change her mind, why post this at all? I could say more but I don''t want to threadjack Pils'' thread.
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I agree. Definitely, Maybe: Pils said she and her fiance have already come to a decision.
 
Date: 2/27/2009 10:19:06 PM
Author: thing2of2
Date: 2/27/2009 9:03:09 PM

Author: Definitely, Maybe

I am really glad you and your FI both are on the same page and you both have each other to lean on. That is VERY important.


Please just ignore what I say if you find it offensive or if it doesn't apply to you, because in the end I don't personally know you. I am NOT trying to change your mind, at all, I just want you to really, really, really think about it. Research it. Everything. I know you are a grown woman and capable of making your own decisions, but this really is a huge decision. Many woman make it and never look back, but also many do look back and regret their decision... even years down the road. I know right now it doesn't seem like the best time to have a child, but please be sure that you won't look down the road 5 years from now and wonder what could have been.


I know I am probably going to get a few words from others for saying this, but please know that I am in no way trying to make you second guess yourself or not be supportive of you, because I really am. You know what's best, for yourself, in the long run and each person has the right to choose for themselves.


I saw this site at my local church: http://rachelsvineyard.org/ They have them all over the US and internationally. Although it is religious, I don't think you have to be religious to go. I think even reading the Q&A section may be helpful with any thoughts or feelings you may have and to better understand it. It is for both men and women, so I think it may be helpful, because their are several topics including relationships, mental health, etc.


Most importantly, I wish you and your FI the best.
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I think this is very inappropriate, unnecessary and uncalled for. If you're not trying to change her mind, why post this at all? I could say more but I don't want to threadjack Pils' thread.
Click to expand...

I really have to disagree. This is a public message forum. Everyone is entitled to state their opinion, and I think Definitely, Maybe stated her opinion quite compassionately. I also think Definitely, Maybe made her intent clear -- she wants to make sure the original poster has clearly thought through her decision.
 
I''m sorry that you are feeling so lost and adrift with this . . . . development. I have no answers other than to say this: weddings can be moved up; law school is still possible; things do have a way of working out even when they aren''t on our perfectly imagined timetable. Please don''t despair.

You will have more perspective after talking with your FI. You will.
 
Sometimes things happen for a reason. I was in your shoes myself 3 years ago. My boyfriend (now husband) and I had been together for a few years, living together for a year, and planning to get married, but once he finished his MBA - he had just started. Even though we had been talking about marriage, we weren''t formally engaged yet. I had been on BC pills for over 10 years, but had just gone off them a month before, but we were still using condoms. When I found out I was pregnant, I couldn''t believe it. I wasn''t sure how my boyfriend would react, but he was ecstatic, and proposed immediately. We were married 7 weeks later, and we now have a 2 year old son, and are so happy.

Even though DH was so excited (he saw the pregnancy as a sign from fate that he had put off proposing too long - he was waiting for the right time - there''s never a good time to start a family!), but I was freaking out, and cried the day I found out, because I had always expected that I would be married before I was pregnant. If my DH hadn''t proposed, I probably wouldn''t have carried the pregnancy to term, because I would not have been a single mother - I''m a big believer in 2-parent families. But, since he was excited, I got excited too, we had a beautiful wedding, and we agree that our son is the best thing in our lives, and I can''t imagine the joy I would have missed out on without him.

Also, maybe it truly was a gift from fate, or God, or whatever you believe, because I had a medical condition that the dr.s told me would make it difficult to conceive, plus we were using barrier-method birth control (OK, but not as effective as hormonal). Still, we are so glad that we decided to get married & have him, because now we are trying to conceive for our 2nd child, and it''s been several months and nothing doing yet. So, it may have been that our son was our only shot at a child, and we''re so glad that he came about. I got pregnant at 29, and now I''m 32, so maybe it''s getting late for me to have another now - fertility starts declining at age 28.

So, since you''re already engaged, you guys should relax and go with it - the baby will bring you tons of joy. I know that it''s hard not to freak out right now, but take it from someone who''s been there - it will totally be worth it in the end.
 
I didn''t post to try and change her mind or pass judgement and I am incredibly sorry, Pils, if it came across that way.

I posted to be supportive and I didn''t mean for her to be well informed of her options, I meant it to be prepared mentally. To better understand the feelings she may have now and later. I have been where she is now, which is why I posted.

I apologize Pils if I hurt you with my post. I really do wish you the best.
 
Date: 2/27/2009 10:36:09 PM
Author: vespergirl
Sometimes things happen for a reason. I was in your shoes myself 3 years ago. My boyfriend (now husband) and I had been together for a few years, living together for a year, and planning to get married, but once he finished his MBA - he had just started. Even though we had been talking about marriage, we weren''t formally engaged yet. I had been on BC pills for over 10 years, but had just gone off them a month before, but we were still using condoms. When I found out I was pregnant, I couldn''t believe it. I wasn''t sure how my boyfriend would react, but he was ecstatic, and proposed immediately. We were married 7 weeks later, and we now have a 2 year old son, and are so happy.

Even though DH was so excited (he saw the pregnancy as a sign from fate that he had put off proposing too long - he was waiting for the right time - there''s never a good time to start a family!), but I was freaking out, and cried the day I found out, because I had always expected that I would be married before I was pregnant. If my DH hadn''t proposed, I probably wouldn''t have carried the pregnancy to term, because I would not have been a single mother - I''m a big believer in 2-parent families. But, since he was excited, I got excited too, we had a beautiful wedding, and we agree that our son is the best thing in our lives, and I can''t imagine the joy I would have missed out on without him.

Also, maybe it truly was a gift from fate, or God, or whatever you believe, because I had a medical condition that the dr.s told me would make it difficult to conceive, plus we were using barrier-method birth control (OK, but not as effective as hormonal). Still, we are so glad that we decided to get married & have him, because now we are trying to conceive for our 2nd child, and it''s been several months and nothing doing yet. So, it may have been that our son was our only shot at a child, and we''re so glad that he came about. I got pregnant at 29, and now I''m 32, so maybe it''s getting late for me to have another now - fertility starts declining at age 28.

So, since you''re already engaged, you guys should relax and go with it - the baby will bring you tons of joy. I know that it''s hard not to freak out right now, but take it from someone who''s been there - it will totally be worth it in the end.
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Hey, I just went back and read your later post - I hope I didn''t offend you at all with my previous post, I didn''t know that you & your fi had already made a decision, which I totally respect. I just replied after reading your initial post, since you reminded me of myself when I found out that I was unexpectedly pregnant.

I conpletely understand the decision that you have come to - like I said, if my DH hadn''t proposed, I would not have had the baby by myself - I would not have wanted a single-parent family for myself or my child, and I can completely understand others having circumstances that are not conducive to having a child. I just totally empathized with your initial post, so I wanted to share my story with you, but I wish that I had read through all the posts before I replied - my apologies.

I''m sure that you & your fi will have a family when the time is right to you, and I wish you the best during this difficult time.
 
Date: 2/27/2009 10:36:09 PM
Author: vespergirl
So, since you're already engaged, you guys should relax and go with it - the baby will bring you tons of joy. I know that it's hard not to freak out right now, but take it from someone who's been there - it will totally be worth it in the end.
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Vespergirl, the OP has already made her decision and IMHO doesn't need this kind of advice right now. It's a difficult enough decision to come to, and a very personal one, so your experience and hers may be completely different. She doesn't need anyone telling her what she and her FI "should" do, and that would be true whether she decided to continue the pregnancy or terminate it.

ETA: We were posting at the same time...just saw your second post noting you hadn't read the whole thread...thank you for amending your post!
 
(((((((((((((((BIG HUG!))))))))))))))

The decision you''ve made as a couple is not an easy one. My heart goes out to you and your fi. Please be sure you allow yourself time to grieve and not feel "dumb" about feeling the loss. You are going to go through a roller coaster of emotions over the next few months, and it is completely normal! I''ve been there, done that, at 21 years old. It hurt, in more ways than one, but I know it was the best decision at the time. I was not ready, neither was he.

Please know that you have many people here that support you, and will continue to be here if you need a shoulder or just a kind word.
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Date: 2/27/2009 10:48:12 PM
Author: jstarfireb

Date: 2/27/2009 10:36:09 PM
Author: vespergirl
So, since you''re already engaged, you guys should relax and go with it - the baby will bring you tons of joy. I know that it''s hard not to freak out right now, but take it from someone who''s been there - it will totally be worth it in the end.
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Vespergirl, the OP has already made her decision and IMHO doesn''t need this kind of advice right now. It''s a difficult enough decision to come to, and a very personal one, so your experience and hers may be completely different. She doesn''t need anyone telling her what she and her FI ''should'' do, and that would be true whether she decided to continue the pregnancy or terminate it.

ETA: We were posting at the same time...just saw your second post noting you hadn''t read the whole thread...thank you for amending your post!
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Please don''t "net-nanny" my posts - the OP posted her predicament on a public forum, so I wanted to share my own experience that seemed similar to her situation. It is true that I may not have included my last sentence if I had known that she had already made her decision, but I still feel that sharing my similar experience was a valid contribution to the discussion, regardless of what she decides to do.
 
I'm not trying to net-nanny, and I don't at all object to anyone sharing their experiences. The only part I objected to was the last sentences, and I retract my objection now that I see it was based on not reading her later post. It would have been a completely appropriate post had she not informed us she had already come to a decision.

Not trying to start an argument or threadjack, but I felt I should clarify since you seemed to get the wrong idea from my post.
 
I''m glad you have a loving FI and support system! I''m sure you will have the wedding of your dreams, the law school experience that you imagined, and the family that you always wanted, when the time is right! It''s such a blessing to know what you want, and to go for it! I wish you all the best, and of course, you have our ears and our support!
 
Date: 2/27/2009 10:27:43 PM
Author: Loves Vintage

I really have to disagree. This is a public message forum. Everyone is entitled to state their opinion, and I think Definitely, Maybe stated her opinion quite compassionately. I also think Definitely, Maybe made her intent clear -- she wants to make sure the original poster has clearly thought through her decision.
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Ditto. Nothing wrong with definitely, maybe''s post. This isn''t ATW!
 
Date: 2/27/2009 11:34:26 PM
Author: luckystar112
Date: 2/27/2009 10:27:43 PM

Author: Loves Vintage


I really have to disagree. This is a public message forum. Everyone is entitled to state their opinion, and I think Definitely, Maybe stated her opinion quite compassionately. I also think Definitely, Maybe made her intent clear -- she wants to make sure the original poster has clearly thought through her decision.
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Ditto. Nothing wrong with definitely, maybe's post. This isn't ATW!
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This not being ATW is exactly why the post was inappropriate. Pils already made her decision and shared it here. And I don't recall her asking for opinions on it.
 
I''m going to have to agree with Thing2 here. This is a VERY personal decision and no one should be putting in their 2 cents except for those who are directly involved. The OP wrote because she needed to get it out, and because PS is always an open ear, not because she wanted guidance or opinions of the people she doesn''t know, and frankly don''t matter to her.

Yes it''s a public forum, but I think some sensitivity is called for in a situation like this. It is NOT ATW and it is NOT a political debate.
 
Date: 2/27/2009 10:19:06 PM
Author: thing2of2

Date: 2/27/2009 9:03:09 PM
Author: Definitely, Maybe
I am really glad you and your FI both are on the same page and you both have each other to lean on. That is VERY important.

Please just ignore what I say if you find it offensive or if it doesn''t apply to you, because in the end I don''t personally know you. I am NOT trying to change your mind, at all, I just want you to really, really, really think about it. Research it. Everything. I know you are a grown woman and capable of making your own decisions, but this really is a huge decision. Many woman make it and never look back, but also many do look back and regret their decision... even years down the road. I know right now it doesn''t seem like the best time to have a child, but please be sure that you won''t look down the road 5 years from now and wonder what could have been.

I know I am probably going to get a few words from others for saying this, but please know that I am in no way trying to make you second guess yourself or not be supportive of you, because I really am. You know what''s best, for yourself, in the long run and each person has the right to choose for themselves.

I saw this site at my local church: http://rachelsvineyard.org/ They have them all over the US and internationally. Although it is religious, I don''t think you have to be religious to go. I think even reading the Q&A section may be helpful with any thoughts or feelings you may have and to better understand it. It is for both men and women, so I think it may be helpful, because their are several topics including relationships, mental health, etc.

Most importantly, I wish you and your FI the best.
Click to expand...

I think this is very inappropriate, unnecessary and uncalled for. If you''re not trying to change her mind, why post this at all? I could say more but I don''t want to threadjack Pils'' thread.
Click to expand...
Ditto. They have made their choice as a couple, what gives you the right to question that.
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Pilsn, I applaud you for making such a tough decision, for you have done it for the right reasons, and it must have been such a tough one to make. We are here for you 100%, without judgement or negativity, to support you and your FI at what must be such a trying time for you both. I am glad you and your FI are both on the same page, and you are so lucky to have the support and love of each other.

Sending you hugs. We are all here for you when you need to chat.
 
Date: 2/28/2009 12:41:18 AM
Author: thing2of2

This not being ATW is exactly why the post was inappropriate. Pils already made her decision and shared it here. And I don't recall her asking for opinions on it.
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I KNEW when this post first came up that it was going to turn into a debate somehow, and I don't know.....guess I'm not in the mood. But I stand by my initial opinion, which is that def,may wasn't trying to get her to change her mind or even judge her in any way.

Def, Maybe said: I posted to be supportive and I didn't mean for her to be well informed of her options, I meant it to be prepared mentally. To better understand the feelings she may have now and later. I have been where she is now, which is why I posted.

Some obviously disagree. But I'm going to respectively bow out of this thread since I wished I hadn't read it/posted in the first place! I'm so done with this argument (Not with you, just in general. I love arguing with you!
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). End threadjack???
 
Stay on topic. If anyone has a problem with a post it should be reported to the Moderators so they can take care of it.
 
Im glad you''ve come to a decision you and your FI are comfortable with Pilsn. I know it will be hard (my SO and I have discussed what we''ld do in this situation and the answer is always the same as yours) but you''ll get through it and be stronger for it. And when you do have a family you''ll know that its because you want to and you''re 100% ready.

Lots of Love and *HUGS*
 
Pils, I''m so glad you have a support system to get you through this difficult decision and that those who love you most are backing your decision. All my best to you.
 
You are so lucky to have such a supportive family! Good luck with what you decide and know all of us here support you!
 
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