It was too good to be true...

[TravelingGal]

Date: 1/23/2007 6:50:54 PM
Author: decodelighted
Something still haunts me from your first post on this guy ... (he''s handsome & funny etc ''and out of my league, right?'')

It''s as if you thought you got a great deal on Manolos or some shoes you could never normally afford ... only six months later, you find out that not only are they fake, but were made by child-labor. You don''t want to get rid of the ''great deal'' feeling - no matter how much pesky ''reality'' comes to light. Even if you''re so allergic to them your FEET will have to be amputated.

Dramatic analogy - but IMO apt.

Oh - and *his* friends and *your* friends aren''t the ones risking their heart & time. Don''t live your life by consensus. Check in with your GUT.

Deco, sometimes you just give me the biggest guffaw. Now that I''ve had my ab workout for the day, I''m off for a run............

 

[Mara]

lol deco that made me laugh. i gotta say that i thought the same things you gals picked up on... ''his friends say he''s changed so much''...''our friends who knows us think...''

well, my friends think all sorts of things. i think all sorts of things too. sometimes i think them about my friends. sometimes they probably think them about me.

but we all live our lives separately, making our own decisions, doing what''s best for US.

it''s kind of like what my mom used to always say ''if someone told you to jump off a bridge, would you go do it??''

silly analogy i thought but true in some instances. in any case, you obviously ARE in this relationship and we are not so yes you have a ton of other knowledge, of course. you came here and you maybe got more than you bargained for in responses. but please do at least consider what people have said here. sometimes not knowing the people in the relationship yet seeing WAVING RED FLAGS madly streaming in the wind can be really enlightening. whatever the outcome, DON''T waste too much time if you really don''t see things going the way you feel they should and know in your gut they should. good luck!!

 

[hlmr]

Date: 1/23/2007 4:29:13 PM
Author: Aloros
The people who know us both think I should give him a chance. I am doing so. I know you all think I''m making a poor decision, but there are some things that just can''t be conveyed over a messageboard. Some things I''ve said have been misinterpreted, other things need further explanation. However, I could write pages and pages and still not give anyone an accurate view of the situation. I don''t believe I have self-esteem issues. I know my worth. At the same time, I really do understand what is going on in his head, although I can''t condone it. I sympathize with him (sometimes I think an overdeveloped sense of empathy is worse than having self-esteem issues).

His friends tell me how much he has changed, for the better, since dating me. I''ve spoken with him and made some points that show him he has to change. There''s simply no way he can go on the way he has been. If he gets married someday, he''ll want his children at the wedding, then everyone will know, so why hide it? I know there''s a lot of stigma attached to being a teen father, and having children out of wedlock, but I think he''d garner much more respect if he owned up to it. He''s not a teenager anymore. I feel like he''s getting closer to acceptance and taking responsibility, but the fact is, he''s not there yet. He provides financially for his children, is there for holidays and birthdays, plans to have them around in the future, but it''s just not enough.

I''m taking things one day at a time, and although we have a great relationship, and he makes me feel like I could conquer the world, I am prepared to walk away if nothing changes (and I am NOT lifting a finger to even nudge him - been there done that). There''s a part of me that is so in love with him and has been since I first met him, but the rest of me is stone-cold practical. I don''t need anyone by my side that badly. I have two cats to share my bed, a supportive family, and the best friends a person could ask for. The rest is just gravy. Really, really good tasting gravy, but just gravy.

Thanks for your words and support. They''ve helped me to see clearly.

It really doesn''t matter what any of us think about your relationship in the grand scheme of things, but you do seem to need reassurance to carry on this relationship.

I wonder if his children will choose to be at his wedding....really, it is big of him to want his children at his wedding even though this will let everyone know he has children. But, my question is, will his children necessarily want to be a part of his big day, when he hasn''t been a part of their big days? Hard to know, and silly for him to assume that they will.

Do you know a song by Amanda Marshall...."I wouldn''t want to be me, if I didn''t have you?" Well, your situation made me think of this song. It always kinda bothered me that she needed him to complete her so badly...that she wasn''t worth it to be just her, by herself. Well, I gather from your posts that he would not be doing so well if he wasn''t with you, hence your mutual friends (methinks more his friends) saying that he is so much better since he has been with you.

It is easy to emulate the goodness that comes from the people your surround yourself with in the short term, but in the long run he must be able to stand on his own and make the right choices/decisions in life. I guess what I am trying to ask is do you want a life partner, or do you want to parent your partner?

Empathy is great, but don''t let it make decisions for you.

I wish you the very best.

 

[Aloros]

Date: 1/23/2007 6:50:54 PM
Author: decodelighted
Something still haunts me from your first post on this guy ... (he''s handsome & funny etc ''and out of my league, right?'')

It''s as if you thought you got a great deal on Manolos or some shoes you could never normally afford ... only six months later, you find out that not only are they fake, but were made by child-labor. You don''t want to get rid of the ''great deal'' feeling - no matter how much pesky ''reality'' comes to light. Even if you''re so allergic to them your FEET will have to be amputated.

Dramatic analogy - but IMO apt.

Oh - and *his* friends and *your* friends aren''t the ones risking their heart & time. Don''t live your life by consensus. Check in with your GUT.

Dramatic, yes, but pretty spot on, I think. If only he''d been up front about the entire situation...but wishes won''t get me anywhere. I have a great support group in my family and friends, so I''ve always recovered quickly from heartbreak. I''m not terribly worried about that. I''m also aware that he''s not the last man on earth.

I''m only giving him a chance because my GUT says he is no longer hiding anything from me, and all my questions have been answered straightforwardly. I also feel he is taking steps in the right direction. But there is that matter of time. I''m young at 24 but I''m not going to wait around. I''ll know when enough is enough. I''m more disappointed than anything. The only other person I click with so well is my sister. He just always seems to know what I need at the exact right time and vice versa. We work together so well because of this. We have the same living habits. We blurt the same thing at the same time.

It''s perfect except for THIS HUGE HONKING THING. I know that future circumstances will force him to change, but I think a stronger, forward-thinking person changes on their own instead of waiting for circumstances to force it.

 

[janinegirly]

well all i have to say is you have a LOT to learn about relationships still and it shows. the things you say you guys have sooooo in common are not the things that''ll sustain a relationship that kicked off with lies and all kinds of red flags flying. You saying you will just leave when things "feel" like they''ve run it''s course is equally cringe inducing.

all i can say is good luck and i hope the leap of faith you are taking pays off, but from my perspective, it''s not one i would go near. i also don''t understand the need to go from one messy relationship to another with barely any time in between. i suppose i can not relate at all so i shouldn''t comment. the other ladies have done a good job in explaining their views.

 

[Hopes]

Aloros, I know you've already made your decision, but I just have two things to say.

One, I understand what you're saying about empathy, as we women tend to experience a lot of this. But often we also only feel this for those that we are closest to, like boyfriends/significant others, friends and family. Put yourself in the shoes of the women who have kids with your man, and put yourself in the shoes of these children of the man you're with, and try to imagine how they feel, rather than how your man feels. Do you want yourself, or your future children, to feel that way? Are you ready to be a step-mom? Are you ready to answer questions to your own children about their siblings that they will never know? You say he "plans to have his children around in the future," which means any future you spend with him will involve these children.

Two, understand fully the implications of the words "not marriage material." I do not believe this guy is deserving of you. That's it, flat out, he never deserved you, even if he had been open and upfront about having kids, he was/is still not there for his kids. One of them lives with grandparents, because neither parent wanted the responsibility of raising him! That just brings tears to my eyes, to think how this child must feel -- I grew up with my grandparents, and even though they loved me very much, seeing all the other kids with their mommies and daddies... ugh. This man's actions speak for themselves. Date him, adore him, love him all you want, but marrying him? What makes you think he'll treat the child or children that he would have with you any differently than this poor kid who sees his parent(s) a few times a year? Even if this is not a deal breaker for you, think about it. It is for a lot of women who have never been married and never had kids, and true there are a lot of men that are worse (homicidal maniac, psycholoically insane, AIDS patient), but you must not let his wooing and coaxing color the lenses of reality.