Just Appalled!!!

[decodelighted]

Your sister is a PEACH! Maybe she'll let you "borrow" her dress to wear as a guest to your cousin's wedding!

 

[missy]

Your sister is a PEACH! Maybe she'll let you "borrow" her dress to wear as a guest to your cousin's wedding!

Love this idea!
(Unfortunately who knows what the cousin would then decide to wear to Sunshine's sister's wedding)...

 

[madelise]

Your sister is a PEACH! Maybe she'll let you "borrow" her dress to wear as a guest to your cousin's wedding!

HAHAHA. If we all vote you do that, would you?

 

[audball]

Your sister is a PEACH! Maybe she'll let you "borrow" her dress to wear as a guest to your cousin's wedding!

HAHAHA. If we all vote you do that, would you?

Haha. Deco is right. She is a peach. If her wedding were second, I'd totally crash, but since she could retaliate and be WORSE at your sister's, I'd probably not....unless your sister isn't going to invite her!?

 

[Sun-Shine]

Oh my gosh girls!!! Decoded delight THAT IS BRILLIANT! Thats the last thought that crossed my mind, but the image makes me laugh out loud at the thought. Just acting totally casual, "Hey Auntie what's up?"

So I met up with my cousin after my very long night shift. She was crying waiting for me in the coffee shop. I've actually gone from being somewhat upset/annoyed with her to being quite worried about her. She is going to go and try on some other roomier styles of dress because she said she felt as though she made a hasty decision, and that she wouldn't want the tables turned on her. I told her I thought that was very big of her and that of course if that was "the dress" that she would have mine and my sisters blessing.

But this is why I'm worried: She said she doesn't know another guy that would propose to an overweight, unemployed girl and she's feeling the burn for kids and turning 30 in a year. Oy! So with all that said I gave her the name of 2 therapists, one who works with women with body image/self-esteem issues, and a couples therapist. She opened the door to it so I gave her the info that I had to contact them. All in all I feel like we had a good talk, and I told her I wouldn't be offended if she would rather just have me as a guest at her wedding instead of a bridesmaid and to take few days and think things over. She had some nice pictures of dresses she now likes so we are going thursday to have a look.

I guess we will see how things unfold from here. There is a piece of me that feels like maybe she won't make it up the aisle, she just doesn't seem like a bride who is excited to get married, she seems like someone who is throwing up every road block possible.

When I get back home I'll post a picture of the dress (this time with the permission of my sister hahaha) I don't have the dress saved on my workpad.

Maybe we should start a topic for "inappropriate wedding outfits" lol....

 

[Sun-Shine]

Your sister is a PEACH! Maybe she'll let you "borrow" her dress to wear as a guest to your cousin's wedding!

HAHAHA. If we all vote you do that, would you?

Haha. Deco is right. She is a peach. If her wedding were second, I'd totally crash, but since she could retaliate and be WORSE at your sister's, I'd probably not....unless your sister isn't going to invite her!?

1) only if the vote is unanimous

2) cousin isn't invited, but not because its personal, just because no cousins are invited (there are just so many, it would have doubled her guest list).

 

[missy]

Wow, now I just feel sorry for your cousin.
I hope she isn't getting married just because she feels no one else would every want to marry her...

I still think that was mean of her to purchase that dress but I feel badly for her now and hope everything works out well for all involved. And I hope she finds another dress in any case just because it is the right thing to do.

 

[marymm]

I agree - after your talk with your cousin I too feel sorry for her - she seems rather pitiable and I wonder now if she selected your sister's dress simply because it had been already vetted and approved (by you and your sister) as a perfect wedding gown - it doesn't sound like much else is perfect in her life. I admire that you went to see her with an open mind and that you were so compassionate with her - you and your sister are both good people!

 

[Sun-Shine]

missy and mmm: You are both right, and once I stopped put my emotions away and engaged my brain, I knew it wasn't just about the dress. I'll be in touch with her daily just to check in. Also what is you ladies opinion on me setting her up with a nutritionist and trainer for a month? She has expressed that she wants to lose weight, but 1 can't afford a trainer and 2 is having problems losing it when she starts trying. I'd tell her it's an early bridal shower gift.

 

[madelise]

I might get flamed for this, cus I'm totally taking another side to this. Heck, maybe I'm just jaded by knowing so many effed up people. But whatever, I'll say it.

Ok, feel sorry for her sadness, that's fine. But her emotions and being are separate events from her attempting to sabotage your sister's happiness. Her having a sad story doesn't make it ok for her to do deusche-y things to family members.

Honestly, it sounds like she's just a child throwing a temper tantrum. She gets in trouble for being mean, so she cries and tries to get you to feel sorry for her. She's overweight and unemployed. So what?! I'm overweight, and so is half of America! It should be her own initiative to go and get something done about it. It is not your responsibility to find therapists, gym memberships or nutritionists for her. You're beyond nice, Sun-Shine. I know I'm only reading into 1 event between yourself and your cousin, but if this sort of thing has been consistent in her life, she's taking advantage of your kindness.

She's 30. Stop playing "savior" to her. She should deal with the consequences of her own actions, be it wedding-related, and you stepping away from the bride's maid role, or the extra weight, or the $. Saving her will only enable her. Her whole marriage won't work out if she continues being a woman-child, and relies on you for help. She has a fiancé now. He should deal with her. She should deal with herself. It is NOT your responsibility.

 

[audball]

I might get flamed for this, cus I'm totally taking another side to this. Heck, maybe I'm just jaded by knowing so many effed up people. But whatever, I'll say it.

Ok, feel sorry for her sadness, that's fine. But her emotions and being are separate events from her attempting to sabotage your sister's happiness. Her having a sad story doesn't make it ok for her to do deusche-y things to family members.

Honestly, it sounds like she's just a child throwing a temper tantrum. She gets in trouble for being mean, so she cries and tries to get you to feel sorry for her. She's overweight and unemployed. So what?! I'm overweight, and so is half of America! It should be her own initiative to go and get something done about it. It is not your responsibility to find therapists, gym memberships or nutritionists for her. You're beyond nice, Sun-Shine. I know I'm only reading into 1 event between yourself and your cousin, but if this sort of thing has been consistent in her life, she's taking advantage of your kindness.

She's 30. Stop playing "savior" to her. She should deal with the consequences of her own actions, be it wedding-related, and you stepping away from the bride's maid role, or the extra weight, or the $. Saving her will only enable her. Her whole marriage won't work out if she continues being a woman-child, and relies on you for help. She has a fiancé now. He should deal with her. She should deal with herself. It is NOT your responsibility.

Maybe harsh, but I do tend to agree with this. It's very sad that she's in the dark place that she's in and as her friend you should be there to emotionally support her when you can, but financially it is not your responsibility to try and pay her way out of it.

 

[marymm]

missy and mmm: You are both right, and once I stopped put my emotions away and engaged my brain, I knew it wasn't just about the dress. I'll be in touch with her daily just to check in. Also what is you ladies opinion on me setting her up with a nutritionist and trainer for a month? She has expressed that she wants to lose weight, but 1 can't afford a trainer and 2 is having problems losing it when she starts trying. I'd tell her it's an early bridal shower gift.

For me, that would be taking compassion too far - kinda like madelise posted above, if your cousin wants to lose weight / eat better / change her life, she is old enough to take some initiative - if she can't afford a trainer or nutritionist (and so many of us can't!), there are books and DVDs she can check out of the library, besides the wealth of info available on the Internet if she has computer access. If there's a park half-way between you two, maybe once or twice a week you can agree to meet her there for a walk and talk session... but as much as I admire your ability to show compassion and keeping in mind your sister proved not to be really upset by the cousin's dress selection, I wouldn't forget she has shown a dismaying lack of judgment and sensitivity to you and your sister regardless of the circumstances and, if it were me, I'd limit myself to applauding any initiative *she* may take without getting myself involved emotionally or financially.

 

[sonnyjane]

missy and mmm: You are both right, and once I stopped put my emotions away and engaged my brain, I knew it wasn't just about the dress. I'll be in touch with her daily just to check in. Also what is you ladies opinion on me setting her up with a nutritionist and trainer for a month? She has expressed that she wants to lose weight, but 1 can't afford a trainer and 2 is having problems losing it when she starts trying. I'd tell her it's an early bridal shower gift.

For me, that would be taking compassion too far - kinda like madelise posted above, if your cousin wants to lose weight / eat better / change her life, she is old enough to take some initiative - if she can't afford a trainer or nutritionist (and so many of us can't!), there are books and DVDs she can check out of the library, besides the wealth of info available on the Internet if she has computer access. If there's a park half-way between you two, maybe once or twice a week you can agree to meet her there for a walk and talk session... but as much as I admire your ability to show compassion and keeping in mind your sister proved not to be really upset by the cousin's dress selection, I wouldn't forget she has shown a dismaying lack of judgment and sensitivity to you and your sister regardless of the circumstances and, if it were me, I'd limit myself to applauding any initiative *she* may take without getting myself involved emotionally or financially.

Yeah. I agree with all three posts above me. How does she go from doing something that was at best completely stupid and selfish and at worst incredibly hurtful to getting a free nutritionist and personal trainer out of the deal on your dime!? Come on now. And while your sister was very, VERY gracious about the dress situation, don't push your luck by going out of your way to accommodate your cousin. It could be interpreted as dividing your loyalty, which I think needs to be with your sister first and foremost.

 

[partgypsy]

I don't think the cousin sounds manipulative. Sounds like she is depressed, and feels isolated. I'm going to give sunshine the benefit of the doubt, that she has known her cousin since they were kids, and don't think she would be giving her these generous offers if the cousin had a pattern of being manipulative. In contrast, she probably realizes that her cousin is having a crisis. Sometimes people act B*tchy because they are B*tchy. But other times people act that way because they are not themselves.

 

[audball]

I don't think the cousin sounds manipulative. Sounds like she is depressed, and feels isolated. I'm going to give sunshine the benefit of the doubt, that she has known her cousin since they were kids, and don't think she would be giving her these generous offers if the cousin had a pattern of being manipulative. In contrast, she probably realizes that her cousin is having a crisis. Sometimes people act B*tchy because they are B*tchy. But other times people act that way because they are not themselves.

Good point. Maybe there is more than we can see.

 

[Seattle SC]

Just thought I'd chime in since I've been reading since the beginning and was rather amused with the whole dress ordeal and loved how your sis handled it. Now unfortuntely it's taken a sad turn and I would just have to say that I don't suggest getting a nutritionist/trainer for her. To me, weight loss is similar to quitting smoking - you have to be 100% ready and committed to make the change. If you're even 99%, you'll most likely fail or change back to old habits after the fact. Plus, if she didn't succeed, wouldn't you be a little bit disappointed with her...and she'd probably feel even more terrible! Dealing with depression and stress is tough, I'd say she at least needs a friend and eventually someone that can dig deeper into her issues (therapist). Good luck.

 

[tammy77]

I haven't chimed in before, but it seems like she might not be in love with this guy either. Someone who says things like that is often (always?) holding in fears/doubts/insert some other unhappy feeling for an otherwise wonderful event. A therapist is a good idea. I don't know if I'd bother with the trainer either.

As a side note, shopping for a wedding dress as a "fluffy" bride (as I was) is a daunting task that can easily make even a self confident woman feel like an outsider. If you can take her to David's Bridal, I hands down recommend them to help her feel at ease. They have a great selection of bigger gowns and all of the appropriate undergarments in the right sizes.

 

[allycat0303]

I think following your heart, and doing something that is generous and helping to a friend or family is always a good thing. So I would go with it. Almost everyone is living through their hardship/ sadness/ pain. I think forgiveness and compassion are admirable traits, if you can afford to help her, and are moved to do so, I would. If you were in her situation, I'm sure you would appreciate the gesture.

 

[Sun-Shine]

Hey Ladies, Thank you for all of the input My cousin made an appointment with one of the therapists I know, she is looking forward to it. I can often go overboard with gifts, especially if I think it will cheer someone up. I signed myself up for a bootcamp type thing. It's an early morning jog, then into the pool, I mentioned it to cousin and she also signed up so I'll see her 2-3 times per week. I've never found my cousin manipulative, and neither has my sister. My sister just has a bit of a shorter tolerance for her.

Does anyone here have a fiance, hubby or bf younger than themselves? My cousins fiance is 22 she's 29. In my quest to be supportive, I think I may have ignored some pretty big flags. Neither one of them has ever lived away from parents, he's a student, she doesn't work, her self-esteem is suffering, and I think that to her marriage is an "accomplishment." I think marriage is lovely and important, and want to get married myself one day, but I'm worried that she thinks that by getting married she is a "grown up". And if she pulls the pin on the the wedding she may feel even more like a failure, which I'm starting to think is the reason she is getting married in the first place. So I want to find the balance between being supportive, and doing things for her...

 

[gem_anemone]

There is a 6.5 year ago difference between my fiance and I and I am the older one. I think it just depends on the maturity level of both parties and whether or not they have similar goals. At the time we met we were about at the same place in our lives as I had gone to school and had just started my career, however my fiance did not go to college and had been working in his professional field for 5 years and was ready to settle down. The guy I dated before my fiance is 4 or 5 years OLDER than me and WAY less mature than my fiance...so in my experience, it just depends.

 

[audball]

I'm with gem. It depends. My BF and I are only a few weeks apart in age and are very much in the same place in life. I have a friend whose brother (who is just about to turn 22) who got married two years ago just before he's 20th birthday to a woman who is about to turn 30. They just had a baby last year (about a year into their marriage). They seem to be working well. Her brother was done with school and is working. She was immature for her age and also works. They seem to be on the same emotional level despite the age gap.

I'd be more concerned for your cousin if she's marrying someone she doesn't love because she's feeling the push for kids. Kids are expensive, and hard. If their marriage isn't super stable and they don't have steady income, a kid will just make things worse.

 

[Sun-Shine]

I think it is a the opposite of your situation Gem, and more like Aud's friends. My cousin is quite immature, but conversely she is seeing everyone around her getting married and having babies. I think from what I can gather she wants to accomplish either marriage and kids or a career, and for her this seems simpler. I'm worried she doesn't love him and she's soooooo embarrassed about having no ring. He proposed after a fight (it was late at night and they got in a fight on the phone, a few hours later he called her and asked her to meet him at the park and he proposed). He promises a ring, but hasn't delivered, and she bought herself a terrible looking fakey from an accessory store. (she just showed it to me via text) It's not a realistic sim (not sure if I can say that here) but a plastic looking cz. I'm trying to put away my views of what a proposal-engagement-wedding should be and keep my unsolicited opinions to myself, but she keeps coming to me and I'm just frustrated. I thought when i joined LIW I'd be having freak outs about rings and my bf hahaha but so far that hasn't been the case at all, thank-goodness

 

[gem_anemone]

I think it is a the opposite of your situation Gem, and more like Aud's friends. My cousin is quite immature, but conversely she is seeing everyone around her getting married and having babies. I think from what I can gather she wants to accomplish either marriage and kids or a career, and for her this seems simpler. I'm worried she doesn't love him and she's soooooo embarrassed about having no ring. He proposed after a fight (it was late at night and they got in a fight on the phone, a few hours later he called her and asked her to meet him at the park and he proposed). He promises a ring, but hasn't delivered, and she bought herself a terrible looking fakey from an accessory store. (she just showed it to me via text) It's not a realistic sim (not sure if I can say that here) but a plastic looking cz. I'm trying to put away my views of what a proposal-engagement-wedding should be and keep my unsolicited opinions to myself, but she keeps coming to me and I'm just frustrated. I thought when i joined LIW I'd be having freak outs about rings and my bf hahaha but so far that hasn't been the case at all, thank-goodness

I worry that your cousin's self esteem issues are going to have an affect on her relationship with a younger man. I know from experience that it's tricky being with a younger man. You almost have to have higher self esteem in order to not feel bad about your age compared to your SO's. I frequently get teased about it and frankly if you can't easily brush it off it can get to your head. If she has issues already they are just going to get worse.

I've tried to write a couple of things, but I feel like I would be going on and on, so I'll just agree about there being a lot of red flags.

 

[audball]

*hugs* it's tough. I feel badly for her that she seems to feel stuck. You can't decide for her though, unfortunately. You have to just be there for her and encourage her the best you can.

 

[Sun-Shine]

We went for coffee this morning, then off to dress shopping, this time it was just myself, her mum and her childhood friend. There was a very warm atmosphere and less opinions flying around the room. She wore some of those undies that make you feel like a sausage (I love those things!), and a super support bra. She decided on a maggie sorretto (sp?) that has thicker straps tons of support, and a plunging neck line, definitely more on the sexy-glam side (which is her style in general). She was smiling the whole time and the dress was much much more flattering! The sales girl transferred the deposit over and needless to say my sister is pleased. My sister even texted her to congratulate her on finding a dress and wished her well. So, I'm pleased with how this all turned out, my cousin is happy and the most important thing to me was that my dear sister is happy. Smiles all around!

 

[mary poppins]

That's great! Glad everything worked out. You handled the situation really well.

 

[missy]

Yay, glad it all worked out!! Love it when everyone's happy! Congratulations Sun-shine!

 

[audball]

Wonderful news!

 

[HollyS]

AND, you're in this girl's wedding b-e-c-a-u-s-e ?

Your loyalty belongs to your sister. Period. I don't care what reasons you may have for putting up with your cousin.

 

[ooo~Shiney!]

I read this thread and I was wondering how everything is working out ?

I really admire you Sun-Shine, you sound like a very kind and nice woman
who cares for family and friends and wants to really help.
You have been close to your sister as well as your cousin
and have tried to help and encourage your cousin.

Everyone needs family / friends like you !!!!
It may be that your cousin hasn't got many friends
to love and support her, and it seems that she is going through
a pretty rough patch, and you have helped her and
supported her regardless of what she has (misguidedly) done,
and your sister is a good sport with a great sense of humor as well.
Keeping things on an even keel is difficult, and it seems you have managed
this so successfully, and amazingly come out on the other end with
everyone seemingly happy.

I think it sounds like things are on the right track,
I would be very interested to hear how things are coming along.

(I got married to my husband at age 29 when he was 25. we will be
married 31 years on the 25th. Being older than DH isn't always a big deal )