just one of those days

[~*Alexis*~]

smurf-- dont take it personally. Only you can interpret the conversation for what its worth. You know her better.

However...everyone here needs to lighten up a bit. Everyone at one point in time or another knows someone or is that someone who has had a friend become engaged before them. Its not a nice feeling and smurf I commend you for being honest.

However, its a jealously issue. Everyone will get there in there own time and it may just take some time.

If your BFF''s soon to be FI has hung out with you once there is probably something he knows she told him about you or something he picked up on about the environment in which you had met. Sometimes people just dont like other people, I dont like everyone that I meet and then again I meet a lot of deadbeats at my work...but thats beside the point...

any hoot, If you decide to leave pricescope I am sorry to see you go. Dont let a few opinions get to you...heaven knows I have had my fair share of "tiffs" on this board.

but in the end everyone is entitled to their own opinion and thats that.

I hope you dont leave its not as bad as it seems.

 

[Smurfysmiles]

stupid pricescope is to addicting
i tried to stay away and i lasted about 5 minutes

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 2/23/2008 10:34:35 PM
Author: Smurfysmiles
stupid pricescope is to addicting
i tried to stay away and i lasted about 5 minutes

...and how else are you supposed to get the e-ring of your dreams if you don''t stay around to check out all the bling?

Chin up Smurfy.

 

[moderatelypoorstudent]

couldn''t agree more. I''ve been lurking for SOOOOO long before I joined, and now that I have, it''s only gotten worse!

must stop thinking about rings!!!

But ... just another five minutes can''t hurt....

 

[mimzy]

smurfy-
i just wanted to let you know that i think i understand what you were trying to say. you let your friend know how you would feel because you were trying to be as honest as possible with her, and that is admirable in many aspects. you know yourself well enough to know how you would react, and since this girl is one of your best friends, you didn't really feel the need to mask that. and i don't think it is a character flaw to feel jealous, i just think it's human. what would be a flaw would be if you were underhanded and catty BECAUSE you were jealous....which you aren't being. i think it takes a big person to admit that you are jealous, and i think it's a good thing that you are close enough with the girl to be so open about it with her. granted, i'm sure it must have been hard for her to hear, and she probably would have preferred if you had kept that in, but no one can control how anyone else reacts, and if that's how you were going to react, and she asked, then that's what she got. nobody's fault. i know where the other posters are coming from, and i can sort of agree, but i see where you are coming from, and just wanted to let you know.

i cant' imagine that it was a very easy conversation to have; trying to juggle so many topics at once, while trying to remain objective. i think that you should try to talk to your friend again and preface the conversation by saying that you recognize that your issues about engagement ARE your issues and that they aren't in any way affecting what you want to tell her, that you love her and want only the very best for her. THEN tell her your concerns about him, and don't compare their relationship to yours in any way. maybe let her know that you aren't the only one that feels that way about him (although i would tread carefully with this....you dont' want her to feel ganged up on).

i'm sorry you're having a hard time with this but i AM glad that you are sticking around.

 

[Smurfysmiles]

thanks mimzy

 

[FrekeChild]

Smurfy...I read your OP before anyone else had commented, but I didn't say anything because I got distracted doing laundry.

I know exactly where you're coming from. Ok, not EXACTLY, but pretty close. My best guy friend dated someone that I HATED. She was a *beepedy beep beep*. Ahem. Sorry. Anyway, I told him that I didn't like her from the start, something about her was just off to me. She smoked pot, cigarettes, drank all the time and was 4 years younger than him and almost 6 younger than me. He hardly ever drinks, and would never smoke or do any kinds of drugs. But he'd be single a while and after it ended (a year later

) he told me that he thinks he dated her at the time just because his self-esteem was in the poophole, and he felt like he'd been alone forever.

Anyway, she tried to talk him into doing things that were totally uncharacteristic of him, binge drinking, smoking hookah, etc, and she knew I didn't like her. Before this chick came around, he and I were together EVERYDAY. We were like brother and sister who were really close and could spend time doing whatever. When she and he began this relationship, and she figured out I didn't like her she basically made him stop hanging out with me. To this day, he and I are not as close because of the rift she made.

I'm getting away from the point.

I maintained that I didn't like her the entire year they were together, and the only people who did like her was his family-none of his friends. Finally, the relationship was on it's way out, and he couldn't figure out why, but she just didn't want to be with him anymore, but couldn't give him a reason.

Turns out she'd met this guy over the phone (she was working for T-Mobile and he called in for help) and they'd continued talking after he first called-for three months. She had been sending him half nakey pics over the internet, writing him love letters, and making plans to go visit him in North Carolina (we're in New Mexico).

So here's the point: I was right all along. And at the end, after she screwed him over, he admitted I had been right about her. And she's still a *beepedy beep beep*.

So this is what I would do, I'd tell her that I'd support her no matter what, but of course that I'd take a day or two off to collect my thoughts, but that in the end I'd support her. I would also confide in her the things about your relationship that you think maybe she hasn't considered. I do this with my best girl friend all the time, "It drives me nuts when he.... and sometimes its so hard to talk to him when he's...I can't imagine any of that will change when we get married." I don't know if I'm explaining that right, but maybe you get what I'm saying? But you can't do it too emphatically or else she'll think your relationship is falling apart

. And tell her how many things you've learned about him in the time after a year that you've been together. Suggest that if they get engaged shortly, that they have a longer engagement to make sure that they can hold out through the long haul. But no matter what, you're going to have to pretend as though you're supportive of this relationship or she could start to doubt your friendship, and choose him over you.

Essentially what I'm trying to say is this: Things have a way of working themselves out.

And don't leave. I know how hard it is to hear things that aren't completely supportive when you're already emotionally distressed, or tired, or cranky. Everything seems ten times worse. So take a deep breath, step away from PS for a while, go have a glass of wine, grab a piece of chocolate, get a hug from the BF, and relax. Tomorrow is another day, and likely you'll be less stressed out over the whole situation tomorrow. I know how you're feeling, everyone seems to be attacking you in your time of anguish and it hurts, but they're just being honest.

So, don't go anywhere! And TGal is right, you have to stick around to figure out your ering!

 

[luckystar112]

This thread is pretty much over, but hey...why not give my opininon too?

I think if I were your friend and I knew how bad you wanted to be engaged, and then you went from saying that you would be jealous to why I''m not ready to get married yet...I''d dismiss the whole thing as you just being jealous and (sorry) a tad immature about the whole situation.

With that being said, you were being honest with her and it''s COMPLETELY normal to feel jealous in those types of situations. I know I was!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Date: 2/23/2008 9:36:07 PM
Author: Smurfysmiles
1. he has only hung out with each of us once, ONCE!!! in a year''s time! everything we know about him comes directly from her. therefor he does not want to not hang out with us because he thinks we hate him, he doesn''t even know us!

2. he is not shy. this is not the reason he will not hang out with us either. he makes her go out or do things with his friends everytime they want to go out with friends. she''ll suggest it and he''ll turn it down without even a second thought.

3.i have thought about this from her point of view and if it was me i would want to know the reason why she was feeling a little down in the dumps. i wouldn''t want her to lie to me.

4.the reason i told her what i did was because i wanted her to understand that i would be happy for her when it eventually happened but that i have my own issues to work out too and i wanted her to know why i would be withdrawing a bit. i would rather tell her this now than when it actually happened. knowing her, she will give me my space to sit around and eat ice cream and watch sappy movies until i was ready to get together to celebrate.

and speaking of consideration...
itallian, that was possibly the bitchiest (pardon the french) post i have ever heard on her. practice what you preach sister.

Sorry you found my opinion to be the "bitchiest" thing you''ve ever read on PS...however, I do practice what I preach...and I suggest you do the same as well, considering you probably said the most hurtful thing to your so-called friend this afternoon when all she wanted was SUPPORT and A FRIEND!!!

What did you expect? For us to feel sorry for you? To damn her right along with you for getting married and starting her family because you aren''t there yet? Get real. If you want support, hire a cheerleading squad...if you want the truth, post your issue here...

I DO stand behind everything I said...I think you were wrong, and that''s the bottom line. There is a HUGE difference between being honest and being hurtful...saying that you''d "need time alone" makes you sound like you''re a sore loser. As if you''re going away to lick your wounds or something instead of being happy for her and celebrating in their joy and love. How do you think not having her "friend" around would make her feel???? I think you need to step out of the situation and take a good, long, honest look at how you''re behaving. Personally, anyone with your mind set *probably* shouldn''t be contemplating marriage since you haven''t even learned the fundamentals of human relationships which is celebrating the success of others (that probably sounded harsher than intended...but I believe it to be the truth)

And as far as her boyfriend not making an effort...I have one question...do you tell her what you think of him? Would she relay the message to him about how you feel? If so, it''s no wonder this boy is staying far far far away...he''s probably scared to death knowing that you don''t like him sight unseen, and knowing that his actions are being judged at every turn. I don''t blame him, he seems to be in a "damned if you do/damned if you don''t" situation.

Oh...and P.S: Get over yourself. Your friend gets engaged and you have to sit around watching chick flicks and eatting ice cream...are you kidding me???? Thats more than jealousy...that''s just weird....

 

[Smurfysmiles]

holy cow, back off italian and get a grip

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Date: 2/24/2008 2:20:28 AM
Author: Smurfysmiles
holy cow, back off italian and get a grip

You opened yourself up for this...

And, also, it''s Italia not Italian

 

[risingsun]

Smurfy~before responding, I looked at some of your other threads to get a sense of what has been going on in your life. It seems you have had a very difficult time with your mom's illness. You have posted frequently about some concerns about your BF's feelings for you, as well. I must admit I don't really understand the issue of being "lapped" when someone else becomes engaged. We all take this step based upon our own unique circumstances. We may feel sad or jealous, but that doesn't mean we should take it out on our friends. The point has been raised a number of times that these are your feelings and your friend shouldn't have to manage your feelings. She showed a great deal of sensitivity by bringing up this topic with you in the first place. I think you needed to handle it with sensitivity, too. Your concerns about her bf are another matter entirely and you should think long and hard before going there. It is her decision to make.

I think what has caused some frustration on this thread is that we would like you to consider that you may have been overstepping your boundaries in this conversation....and to take responsibility for your part on this. A number of people have put time and energy into trying to help you. I hope you will listen to what we are attempting to convey.

 

[moderatelypoorstudent]

Italia, you seem like a straight shooter and I understand your point and mostly appreciate your honesty but I''m not sure communicating by bludgeoning with sharpened words is the most effective way to get another person to see your point of view.

Please consider the TOS that we treat all posters with respect.

Also take a moment to consider your motivations: do you want Smurfy to consider her role in her friend''s unhappiness or do you just want to tell her she''s a bad person? These two endpoints and the ways in which you communicate either of these messages is extremely different. Not to mention, I''m not sure why you''d even bother aggravating yourself further by having a postwar with Smurfy about whether or not she''s a bad person.

I agree that Smurfy may have unintentionally caused her friend some distress by laying on what is essentially a bomb: "your guy isn''t great for you", when her friend was trying to share something exciting. But not knowing Smurfy IRL, we should give her the benefit of the doubt that she wasn''t excited to cause someone else distress.

 

[FrekeChild]

Date: 2/24/2008 2:28:33 PM
Author: moderatelypoorstudent
Italia, you seem like a straight shooter and I understand your point and mostly appreciate your honesty but I''m not sure communicating by bludgeoning with sharpened words is the most effective way to get another person to see your point of view.

Please consider the TOS that we treat all posters with respect.

Also take a moment to consider your motivations: do you want Smurfy to consider her role in her friend''s unhappiness or do you just want to tell her she''s a bad person? These two endpoints and the ways in which you communicate either of these messages is extremely different. Not to mention, I''m not sure why you''d even bother aggravating yourself further by having a postwar with Smurfy about whether or not she''s a bad person.

I agree that Smurfy may have unintentionally caused her friend some distress by laying on what is essentially a bomb: ''your guy isn''t great for you'', when her friend was trying to share something exciting. But not knowing Smurfy IRL, we should give her the benefit of the doubt that she wasn''t excited to cause someone else distress.

I wholeheartedly agree. I think Italia that you''re being a little on the harsh side saying that she''s immature and weird when she''s very emotionally distressed, and it is obviously what is NOT what Smurfy needs to hear right now.

Hey Smurf, you said that you would be seeing your friend last night, how did that go? Did you guys get to talk?

 

[luckystar112]

For what it''s worth (and it''s probably not much

) I don''t think Italia''s post is meant to be hurtful. It''s meant to be honest. And I think she is saying what a lot of others are thinking (because that''s how I took the first post), but maybe not saying it in the nicest way possible. Seriously, I see posts like this all the time.

Smurfy, like I said before, I think that perhaps your friend thinks that you are just being a jealous baby. I''m assuming that she probably doesn''t think that you mean those things, and that you just said them because you want to be engaged before her. I would talk to her again! Let us know how it goes!

 

[Smurfysmiles]

She reacted just the way I thought she would. She said she knew I would be feeling a little down about it because we''ve talked about things like this before and she asked just so she would know for sure if i didn''t immediately want to go out to dinner to celebrate or something. she also said that if positions were reversed that she would be feeling exactly the way i was. we talked about the issues concerning her bf and found out he does not hang out with us because he simply would rather hang out with his friends (whatever). that''s her problem to fix i guess. she also said he tried to quit drinking, it lasted 2 days. and then i really told her that not because i was jealous but because i really was concerned to think about the reasons she loved this guy and to also think about these issues that clearly need working on(she agreed with this) and to see which side is longer. she thought this would be a good idea and is getting back to me later today. i told you guys she was my best friend and there''s your proof.

 

[FrekeChild]

That''s pretty much what I figured would happen.

Just out of curiosity, how old are you guys?

 

[vslover]

Smurfy...the "update" post sounds to me like you''re pretty condescending and controlling to you friend...I hope she doesn''t walk away because of it. I don''t think I''d put up with this from a friend...is there a significant age difference here? Something just doesn''t seem right...

 

[Smurfysmiles]

vs i just posted what i said, just because i didnt post everything she said and said she agreed with me doesnt mean i am condescending. we are both 23.

i mean i gave her my point of view and we talked it out and came to a neutral standpoint. you all thought she was going to flip out on me and just bc she didnt doesnt mean i am controlling; it just means thats the way it went. me and her have gotten into fights where she ended up being the one who got me to see her point of view instead of the other way around. and also to add- we hardly ever fight, we usually get along terrifically.

 

[hisdiamondgirl]

Wow smurfy, I am really sorry that you took offense at the earlier replies (mine included) that you received.

I really was just trying to help you see one reason why your friend may not have been very receptive to your concerns. That said, I wasn't trying to judge you for what your feelings would be if she got engaged before you. I also think that your honesty is commendable, although I, personally, would not have been that forward with my feelings. But, that doesn't mean that I think you are a bad person for it, just a very honest one (which is not a bad thing to be, btw)!

You said that you were going to see her last night? Did you get to talk to her?

I am sorry if my posts caused you any further distress, it honestly was not my intention!

ETA: Oops smurfy, I guess we were posting at the same time!

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 2/24/2008 3:35:24 PM
Author: luckystar112
For what it''s worth (and it''s probably not much

) I don''t think Italia''s post is meant to be hurtful. It''s meant to be honest. And I think she is saying what a lot of others are thinking (because that''s how I took the first post), but maybe not saying it in the nicest way possible. Seriously, I see posts like this all the time.

Smurfy, like I said before, I think that perhaps your friend thinks that you are just being a jealous baby. I''m assuming that she probably doesn''t think that you mean those things, and that you just said them because you want to be engaged before her. I would talk to her again! Let us know how it goes!

Ha...proof positive that you''ve grown a thicker skin during your time here on PS...it wasn''t long ago that you''d be saying we''re all mean! Hehehe...

moderatelypoorstudent, I''d say you should go back to reread this thread. Italia''s first post was direct, but not rude. Smurfy then called it the "bitchest" thing she''s ever read. That''s not respectful either.

And while I agree that since it seems apparent Smurfy isn''t good at handling constructive criticism that Italia''s last post would fall on deaf ears (and isn''t the most constructive way to get to her), she DOES raise good points. Smurfy said that in her last post that because BFF has agreed with her advice and was gracious and understanding, it was "proof" of her being her best friend. I would just hope that Smurfy would be as gracious IF this friend gets engaged before her. As Italia said, your BFF gets engaged and you need time away to eat ice cream and watch chick flicks? Yes, I know there''s a time for that, but above all, I would want my friend to know I am THRILLED for her and not to worry that I have to go hide out for a few days.

As for age, I believe Smurfy is early 20s. 23?

 

[Smurfysmiles]

It seems that you guys don''t think I would be happy at all if she got engaged. This is completely untrue. I would be upset with my own situation for like half an hour and then of course I would be happy for her. I''d be even happier if this guy could get his act together.

 

[princesss]

Smurfy, I''m concerned that she said he could only quit drinking for 2 days. Maybe there''s more to it that you haven''t told us, but that''s a big red flag. Please for her sake, if he really couldn''t quit drinking for more than 2 days, have her check out these questions from Al-Anon''s website. Al-Anon is a support network for those affected by somebody else''s drinking, and if his drinking distresses/worries/upsets/angers her, it could be a good place for her to find support.

 

[moderatelypoorstudent]

Hey TravelingGal,

I took your advice and reread Italia''s 1st post... it actually makes me laugh if no one else has noticed the irony.

The post (much like Smurfy''s original conversation with her good friend) starts off with a series of increasingly negative comments:

1. Being lapped is your issue
2. you''re not a true friend,
3. Something is wrong with you

then finally followed by good advice, which by then was mostly ignored because of generating negative sentiment much like Smurfy unintentionally did:

1. get your life together
2. try hard to be happy for your friend as you would want her to be happy for you.

You''re correct in that the 1st post wasn''t too bad, just ineffective at getting a point across. Much like how Smurfy''s conversation went.

Italia, if this was intentional, you are absolutely diabolical and genius!!!

Later posts by Italia, however, just sound angry to me.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 2/24/2008 4:10:44 PM
Author: Smurfysmiles
It seems that you guys don''t think I would be happy at all if she got engaged. This is completely untrue. I would be upset with my own situation for like half an hour and then of course I would be happy for her. I''d be even happier if this guy could get his act together.

Well, you said you would need "time away", then it was a "day away" and now it''s a half hour.

It''s great you''d be happy for her...and I DO understand why you''d be upset with your own situation. That is normal and honest. Just don''t tell her that part when it happens, OK? Let her have the limelight and enjoy it.

 

[Smurfysmiles]

thanks princess, ive already reseached a lot and gave her the information last night but she seemed a little reluctant to take it. i know it can take time for the person being affected by it to accept it as well.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 2/24/2008 4:15:15 PM
Author: moderatelypoorstudent
Hey TravelingGal,

I took your advice and reread Italia''s 1st post... it actually makes me laugh if no one else has noticed the irony.

The post (much like Smurfy''s original conversation with her good friend) starts off with a series of increasingly negative comments:

1. Being lapped is your issue
2. you''re not a true friend,
3. Something is wrong with you

then finally followed by good advice, which by then was mostly ignored because of generating negative sentiment much like Smurfy unintentionally did:

1. get your life together
2. try hard to be happy for your friend as you would want her to be happy for you.

You''re correct in that the 1st post wasn''t too bad, just ineffective at getting a point across. Much like how Smurfy''s conversation went.

Italia, if this was intentional, you are absolutely diabolical and genius!!!

Later posts by Italia, however, just sound angry to me.

moderatelypoostudent, I did note exactly this in one of my previous posts....

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 2/23/2008 10:30:19 PM
Author: TravelingGal

LOL, didn''t think you''d be going anywhere for long...

Smurfysmiles, did you ever think your friend may have felt like crap after talking to you?

Look, I know you hate being lapped, not many love it. That''s normal. I also know this has not been a great year for you with your mom being sick. Still, you''re hanging in there. I truly don''t believe people were trying to be insensitive. When I read all these posts, it seems like they were trying to answer your initial question, which is how to go about explaining how one can be ready for marriage.

WE do not know your friend''s SO. YOU do. We can only take your word that he is not a good guy. That''s a tough position to be in when your best friend''s SO is actually BAD for her. You have every right to be concerned, but moderatelypoorstudent is correct. That should be a SEPARATE conversation from telling her how you feel about being lapped. Otherwise it will cloud your intentions, which I am sure are GOOD.

I really hope you can see that in these responses. I also don''t think Italian''s post was all that bitchy. It was frank and it was her opinion. And it had some good advice later in her post. But it''s hard to take advice when it''s prefaced with some blunt opinions, isn''t it? Think about it.

And let me say, I am sorry you are feeling crappy.

^ this one, to be exact.

 

[Smurfysmiles]

yeah, it''s just hilarious

 

[princesss]

It''s definitely hard information to accept, especially since she probably feels some sense of betrayal to him for even thinking it. I''m so glad you''ve at least talked to her about Al-Anon, it''s an amazing resource. Hopefully at some point she''ll take a serious look at his behaviour and those questions and do what she has to/can do for herself.