Just returned from funeral and feeling blue...update; how I messed up my proposal!

[sk8rjen]

Just got back from Tennessee where my former father-in-law was just laid to rest. He had a nasty long battle with a brain tumor and my kids were his only grandkids (biologically). It was a really beautiful military service and I''m grateful that his suffering is over. These last couple of weeks have been tough!

So after my last thread (everything was going great...now this) things were back on track with M in a big way. I am aware of our issues that need working on and could have chimed in on patchees thread, but i didn''t want to hijack!!! So the communication thing as previously mentioned, is a/b the same as some of you (he''s very quiet by nature) and it can stres me to no end b/c I''m only quiet when I''m upset.

Anyway, when I drove out Monday we were both sad I had to leave. We actually have not been apart for a night (let alone 2) in over a year and that made it a bit more difficult, plus I don''t like long drives by myself.

We talked on the phone on the road and before bed the first night, and the next day we talked after the service and he was very sweet, asked how it went, etc. Obviously I was with my ex''s entire family, so that was weird, but I had personal space (no hotel for 17 miles out there, so I stayed with the ex-step-MIL). M had no problem with this. Last evening though, I called him an hour after he was off of work and jokingly gave him a hard time about not calling me right away. He took the joke as intended and we had a nice brief conversation.

Then I called before bed to say goodnight and asked if he had planned to call me before bed (it was 10:30 and I was planning on hitting the road this morning) and he said "yah" and he "just hadn''t thought to yet." (That made me feel small) and then said "it''s not like we''re separated, you are only gone for 2 nights, you don''t have to act like it''s the end of the world." Geez, I''d hoped being away for a couple of days he might actually have missed me a bit (even though we''d talk on the phone). Ysh, apparently he was talking to someone at work about me being gone and they told him a couple days was no big deal and so now he feels like he doesn''t owe me even pretending to miss me. FWIW, he said he missed me and he loved me each of the earlier times we talked. But he jumped my case last night. I guess missing him is a crime. He was already gone for work when I got back into town today and there wasn''t even a note from him here. He just doesn''t "think like that." As nice as he is the rest of the time, I guess after patchee''s thread I just got to thinkin --- do I WANT this?

I really love him and he says he really loves me and I know there''s more to our relatioonship b/c of my kids, but I''m sounding off on this b/c he just told me the other day "go ahead and order it (re: a diamond) and see if you like it...it can''t hurt to have it well before we need it...we''re just gonna have to find a place to store it." That coulda been good. Or bad.

Once again, my insecurities and desire for an emotionally expressive guy are getting the best of me. Shouldn''t I be glad he''s wonderful in so many ways? Does anyone else get that he just may not be as into me as he once was? Or is it cold feet? So much for going away helping....

Does anyone else think it''s ME who has doubts about the relationship? B/C I really want to be with him. He does it for me like no man ever has!! He likes to tell me that I''m the one with the questions, the doubts, but isn''t it maybe healthy to question things to see if they can be worked through to become non-issues? I think it''s his way of being defensive about it. Maybe I am just making a mountain out of a molehill like always.

Sorry to rant/cry/whatever. My emotions are a mess. And I thought the diamond was GOOD news (ps, I''ll probably send it back, but it got ordered and will be here tomorrow -- pear H SI1 1.22 carat)

Talk to you later!!
jen

 

[FireGoddess]

I wouldn''t take it too hard or diagnose him as emotionally unexpressive just because of this....it does sting I''m sure...of course you''d love him to be just *devastated* by your departure....

Of course not really devastated but at least emotionally scarred.

Seriously - my DH was in Europe for 2 weeks without me and halfway through that I thought I was just going to DIE...missed him so much, hardly got to talk to him cuz of the time difference and the expense (!) of talking overseas but he seemed to be having a grand ole time. I would get all teary from missing him and of course he missed me but wasn''t about to be crying about it or dwelling on it.

I wouldn''t sweat it - the diamond thing is a little odd but he clearly seems to indicate that marriage is in the works if he''s telling you to order the diamond. He wouldn''t do that if the actual idea of marriage was not in his remotely near plans with you. How extensively have you both discussed marriage, and time frames for that?

We would love to see your pear when it arrives (I know I am drooling about it!), if you get the chance!!!

 

[Mandarine]

Hi Jen,

Well...this is not a good day for many of us, is it!??

I''m very sorry to hear about your loss...I think it was nice of you to take time and go there....even if it was a little weird...

Now back to the BF. I must have missed the whole diamond conversation from a previous thread....but I can understand why you feel like it could be good or bad. I personally would not have felt good about a comment like that "just get it, we will need it in the future". It''s almost as "let''s just get this out of the way for when we are ready". Sorry if that''s harsh.....but I don''t mean it to be. I mean that some guys really just don''t get how much this means to us. It''s suppossed to be a happy moment...and he should show some excitement around it!.

I also didn''t think it was fair how he acted by the fact that you missed him...of course you missed him!!!!! I only see my BF on the weekends and by Sunday night I already miss him!. He should have not acted that way...specially because of the reasons you were away.

I don''t think it is ok to settle...and I''m not saying you are, he needs to compromise and try to understand where you are coming from. A relationship takes two, and love (unfortunately) is never enough. I don''t know much about your relationship so I don''t know if this is a new thing...did he used to be different?

My best friend is going through a "break" and I told her that she should not be worrying about what he feels right now...but rather focus on what she feels and what she wants out of a realtionship...so than when they do talk she can lay out what she wants and how she feels. He can discuss what he wants...and they can either compromise and make some deals to fulfill each other''s needs or they need to part ways.

Anyway...I''m sorry to hear you''re having a bad night....*hugs*!!

M~

 

[moon river]

Why would you send the stone back? Do you feel like you pressured him into ordering it or something? I would keep it(if you like it) and wait and see. Have ya''ll talked about some sort of time line. I know it''s rough when you have kids involved. So don''t be so hasty. Sit down and talk things through. You will feel so much better.

 

[sk8rjen]

Hi Firegoddess -- you have my dream ring!!!

Ok, just HAD to tell you that --I''m a big fan! Well, we have discussed marriage EXTENSIVELY. To sum it up for you, he and I moved in together last August and he wouldn''t have done that if he weren''t ready to make a "serious" commitment (I have 3 boys, am obviously divorced, 32 and he''s 25). After our last little hangup ( a couple of weeks ago, not even) things slowed down --- we''d already been working on a setting beofre we got to the stone. I thought he''d propose last dec 4th (our year anniversary) then christmans then valentine''s day, ahh you get the pattern.

It''s in the works. But then just recently he seemed like he got "cold feet." Maybe I just want him to be as excited as I am, I dunno. I liked what you said about your DH in Europe -- I get that MISSING him like crazy thing (and my body just ached for him to hug me!) And, yah, he wasn''t dwelling on me being gone b/c he knew I''d be back today. He''s actually hoped I''d leave early so I could see him at least briefly before he went to work.

Now I have to get this little argument with him resolved - I told him how he made me feel and I am an emotional person so it came out all wrong this time. Argh.

The diamond sounds promising (if I should even bother opening it! How can I not??) It''s 1.47 lenght-to-width, depth is 59.6 and table is 58, supposedly a "premium" cut (we''ll see) and had a med blue flourescence which I think I will love but I just have to see it. Out of curiosity, how many pears did you look at before you found "the one?" I really stressed about ordering one, but they are WAY too expensive in this size at a B&M and I found very few to actually even look at. One guy at a nicer B&M even told me "pears aren''t very popular right now."

The stone comment was weird reading it back on here, but when he said it, I couldn''t really tell if he was trying to throw me off since I''m so involved with the process or what ( I can hope!)

Can''t wait to talk to you more about pears

thanks,
jen

 

[Mimikins24]

Sorry to hear of your loss sk8erjen. I think you definitely did the right thing by attending --- a classy move by an obviously classy lady!

I''m also sorry to hear that things aren''t moving along so well right now with your BF. The whole diamond comment would hurt my feelings too, but I do think that men sometimes don''t understand the sentimental side to engagements. My best friend''s boyfriend said to me once that he doesn''t understand the big hang-up with the ring because he "was going to promise to spend the rest of his d**n life with her and the ring is just a piece of metal". Not that this is the right attitude to have (believe me I was not impressed with his comment

), but I think some women feel the symbolism of the ring more than men. Also we have to wear the ring everyday, so it is important to have something that you love --- although by BF points out that he has to like it as well because he has to look at it everyday too!

Anyway, I am rambling a bit here... The main point is that I think his comments about the diamond were of a "practical" nature. I don''t think he meant to hurt your feelings --- I think he was mostly thinking out loud about the logistics of getting the stone at this point. I remember reading your first post on the forum here about your BF and his relationship with your kids. You all sounded like a most loving family unit!!! It''s hard to keep sight of the wonderful day to day things when really stressful things are going on (like the funeral, your being away, the ring discussions). I know that I find it hard to keep my mind on the good things when I get pummelled by the bad. You might like to check out what you wrote when you joined --- it definitely pulled at my heart strings!

Hope your day is looking up from here.

 

[moon river]

Who cares what that guy says. It''s what you like that counts. Plus, take a look at some of the fabulous pears on PS. Not popular!!! HAH!!!

 

[anchor31]

I''m sorry for your loss Jen...

About the not calling thing... My BF and I are 300 miles away and he doesn''t call/write/e-mail very often. We IM regularly though. At first it really made me feel neglected, but I tried not calling/not writing/not emailing and not even been online on IM for a few days, and voilà! I had a sweet e-mail with news about his day and how he missed me and couldn''t wait to see me. It made me realise that it''s not true he doesn''t care. It''s just that as long as we IM almost every day, he probably doesn''t feel the need for more, but that doesn''t mean he doesn''t love me or miss me.

My point is: Sometimes they don''t think about these things, but that doesn''t mean they don''t love us. We should try to not take it personally, even if it''s not easy.

On another note, I''m glad things are going better with your BF. I hope everything works out for the best, and don''t forget to tell us about the diamond! Pears are lovely!!

 

[sk8rjen]

OK, you guys are definitely starting to pick me up -- thank you!

Mandarine- I agree on the advice you gave your friend - I hope it works out the way she wants it to!

Sounds like you all agree that men --as unfair as it can be to us -- perceive this whole diamond thing differently than we do. I let his comment ruffle my feathers a bit, but now I am thinking about it, and it sounds more like "let''s move forward on this, even if it isn''t right NOW"

Moon -- regarding the pear comment -- not-so-educated salesperson

I love LOVE what pricescope has done for my confidence in a B&M stone! And if I like the pear and IF M agrees, we''ll keep the pear. I just thought maybe he''ll have second and third thoughts. I know I''m emotional more than ever right now!

Mimi- thanks for pointing out my earlier post -- I really appreceiate what you had to say, and I''d say as a whole, we ARE a loving family unit. I find that I am more agitated these days than ever, and I attribute it to waiting-for-proposal-anxiety!! I question EVERYTHING! OK, so I need to relax

Anchor -- thanks for reminding me too that a couple days isn''t many when I think about people like you who live so far apart from each other! I was thinking about it there, actually, how many people here have some form of a long-distance relationship and how hard that must be! But we definitely have a right to miss each other, and I don''t want to feel bad about it, and I guess guys naturally don''t dwell like we do. Shoot, this was our first time apart.

Well, I''m hoping my night continues to look up -- thanks for all of your comments --- you are all wonderful and I am grateful you are here!! Hopefully, we''ll tlak more about pears tomorrow

jen

 

[Mandarine]

Men are definitely from Mars!!!!.....so boys will be boys

I''m glad your night is looking up! I think you have a strong relationship and it doesn''t sound to me that he is getting cold feet at all!. The other day I wanted to talk about the "wedding" with my BF and he cut me off!..he said he didn''t want to talk about it!

I obviously got upset, but he explained that when I do talk about the planning of the wedding I start getting stressed and then I stress him out and he didn''t want to mess up the nice day we were having...

So again...to me the stress of planning the wedding is an enjoyable kind of stress...he doesn''t see it that way and I can respect that (for now

)....but hey, women are from Venus!...

Have a wonderful night ladies!!!

M~

 

[fatafelice]

Sk8rjen: I''m so sorry for your loss. I''m sure it must have been weird for you to be there with your ex''s family, but I agree with others, it shows real class and heart that you attended.

As for the diamond, I can sympathize. I picked out my diamond and BF just agreed. Then, he did try to throw me off and pretend that he hadn''t ordered it or that it wasn''t a big deal. Now, I think he is struggling with how to make it a surprise after I have been so involved (at least, I hope that is where the hesitation is coming from). Perhaps your BF feels the same and is trying to throw you off so that it will be more of a surprise.

At any rate, I hope tomorrow brings a brighter day for you!

 

[anchor31]

Date: 4/12/2006 9:40:12 PM
Author: sk8rjen
Anchor -- thanks for reminding me too that a couple days isn''t many when I think about people like you who live so far apart from each other! I was thinking about it there, actually, how many people here have some form of a long-distance relationship and how hard that must be! But we definitely have a right to miss each other, and I don''t want to feel bad about it, and I guess guys naturally don''t dwell like we do. Shoot, this was our first time apart.

I didn''t mean to compare my relationship with yours and say "well I only see him every two months when I''m at school so you shouldn''t be complaining", but I''m glad you took my comment positively. Of course you have the right to miss each other even if it''s just two days! My point was only to say that I think sometimes our men don''t need to talk on the phone or read/write us letters, IM is "concrete" enough for them, and in your case, two days didn''t seem that long for him so he didn''t feel the need to call. They are much more practical and logical minded, I think.

Now, how about that pear?

 

[sk8rjen]

Anchor -- I totally knew where you were coming from -- it''s just something *I* was thinking about while I was there -- I don''t know that I''d do too well personally in a long-distance type relationship and am fortunate not to have one. I hate to admit it, but as often as I like to think of myself as "logical," (which, in matters unrelated to the heart I am!), men really take the cake on this. What you said is SO true --an IM would be enough --hey, you styaed in touch right? Frustrating.

Mandarine --funny how men can think of wedding stress as a negative, huh? When my BF talks wedding, it''s usually brief but with a happy, unstressful undertone. But I too know where your guy was coming from, b/c sometimes we just want to enjoy a nice day we''re having w/o the "heavy" stuff to think about, even happy heavy stuff! It still does not fail to amaze me how differently guys are wired though!

Fatafelice -- boy were YOU ever right...

OK, ladies, I should have been NEXT!!! SHOULD HAVE BEEN.

Yes, that''s right, he admitted last night after lengthy discussing of everything that wrong with our communication in the previous 24 hours and me hitting the end of my proverbial rope that he decided MONDAY after I left to propose to me YESTERDAY when I got back. Last night he was saying "I know you probably aren''t going to believe this, BUT....yadda yadda yadda." So, a quick history review really quick-like -- this is what I THOUGHT happened on Valentine''s Day which would have been the least-likely day for me to get engaged. I managed to sabotage that day by bringing up serious stuff. Now this.

I SHOULD HAVE BEEN FREAKING NEXT!

ok, thanks for letting me get THAT vent out!!! He said he''d considered what we''d talked about a while back that the ring (although nice) isn''t necessary for the proposal, and he hated that I felt bad about all of this b/c he really wanted to do it but we don''t have the ring yet (never mind that he''s made me feel like he''s totally dragging his feet with the ring purchase and he''s acted not-too-enthusiastic about the buying part). I just couldn''t understand why there was no note, no flower, no nothing special when I came back to my empty house. He was planning on me being back earlier and we hit BAD traffic in Memphis construction, so I literally got back 15 minutes after he left for work.

Guys, I''m DEVASTATED that this happened. But now I see it as self-sabotage. Really, I coulda just sucked up my feelings and had a nice homecoming, but instead I had to vocalize all that stuff and bring a negative energy into it. We held each other so close last night, but I''m just now thinking how nice it would have been to cuddle as a fiance.

OK, here''s your cue ---let me have it!!!! Tell me to ONLY vent at you and not him from now on!!!

jk I adore you guys, but you know what I mean. ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ok, pear''s scheduled to arrive at 3 (just before I leave for work) and tonight is a date night for us......

maybe he''ll get un-mad by then?

I can''t wait to hear how you''s all handle this! Can you believe it? ugh

later!
jen

 

[anchor31]

OMG!! I''m a bit shocked myself...

It''s wonderful that he wanted to propose!! EEE!! But... I''m very sorry that didn''t work out...

Dont beat yourself up over it too much... It happens to the best of us. Instead, see it as progress!! That''s amazing progress!! You could have been next! Yay!!

As for tonight, enjoy it. don''t worry about the diamond or the proposal... now you know it''s coming!!

 

[fatafelice]

Oh, Jen! That completely S*CKS! You must be so frustrated right now!

I will take this as a lesson for myself to back off a little, too. Thanks for the perspective!

Fingers crossed that the pear is amazing and that he cools down a little by tonight. What kind of guy is he? Best left alone when mad? Or would a nice gesture on your part work towards him getting over it?

Big (((HUGS)))!

 

[Scooba]

AHHHHH! I would be DYING, I already AM! I am taking this as a lesson to, I know my proposal is coming any day, I am going to remember to be very good.

 

[akw94]

Jen,
Sorry to hear about your former fil. It''s good that you were able to go w/o there being too much weirdness.
Also, sorry to hear about the difficulties w/your bf. I do want to say that I don''t think you should be sorry for telling him how you feel. I think you''re being too hard on yourself to say that *you* messed up the proposal. If it didn''t happen, perhaps it just wasn''t the right time. I also agree w/the others in saying that men just think very differently than we do. They say things w/o always thinking of the effect on us. I am pretty emotional too so I know there have been times when my bf has said something that has hurt my feelings. I know it''s unintentional though. I take things very differently than he does, and once said, i''ll analyze the crap out of it! He''ll say something and not think twice unless I bring it up. And there are clearly definitely ways that men and women miss each other. My bf and I were apart for two months for his business (we had two trips in between where we saw each other) and after that, i''d never want to do it again. He, of course, thought it was bad but would be willing to do it again depending on the reason. Yuck!
I think it''s ok for you to express your feelings to him. You should be able to talk to him, especially if something is upsetting you. It was his decision not to propose; I don''t think he can put that on you.
Also, if his behavior has recently changed, it probably is a good idea to talk about it...before the proposal. Not to say a big deal should be made, but make sure you''re feeling ok, not just him feeling ok.
They can be sure be a pain sometimes!

But you are close and that is very exciting! I''m looking fwd to seeing pics of the ring!!

 

[FireGoddess]

I hope the pear is spectacular and marvelous and knocks both your socks off, and he''s so filled with excitement and happiness he realizes he must propose immediately if not sooner. I hope.

I did look for awhile for pears, a few months in fact, because it can take some time to find the right one. I also was going through a local B&M store because my original stone came from them and I had to use their tradeup policy. I finally found a stone online and had them call it in, and I loved it.

Just take a deep breath and try to relax and forget knowing that he was going to propose! If it will make you feel better, I''ll tell you a secret about my proposal - it did NOT go how he planned at all. He was hinting that day that ''something important'' was going to happen...but we went out to a fancy dinner and nothing. I was like, "hmmmm, okay." More than a little disappointed and I guess I couldn''t hide it. He asked me what was wrong and I told him, and he said that he actually was going to propose, got a ring and thought he was being so sly and saving money, and then found out it was CZ. Yeah, CZ. So he returned it but had nothing to propose with, and decided to skip the proposal that night.

He asked me to marry him anyway and of course I said yes. We did make a little detour on the way home....went to Tiffany''s and got me a semi-eternity channel set band as an ering.

It was what I wanted at the time. Only later did I have the desire for a big rock, so that band became my wedding band, and I got a 0.73 ct rb stone. As punishment for the CZ thing I upgraded to a 1.5 ct pear a year later. Well, not truly punishment, but it is ironic.

 

[Mandarine]

Hi Jen!!!!

I would have been dying too!!!!!!!!!!....I just read this until now! (was too busy eating pie!)

So how''s the pear!? pictures, pictures!!!

 

[fatafelice]

I think pie was distracting us all today...

But now I want to hear about the pear!!!

 

[ilovesparkles]

Forgive me for this but why on earth would a guy say, "well I was going to propose today/yesterday but....." Why not keep it to himself and replan it all? Am I the only one that totally doesn''t get this?

And I am so sorry Jen to hear all this! I hope the rest of your week and this weekend go much better!

 

[sk8rjen]

Hey guys! Well, I picked the pear up last night after work (missed the delivery of course) and I just came bouncing through the door. FWIW, M and I had a great morning yesterday, with some serious talk mixed in. I held my ground on the "i don''t want to be the forever live-in girlfriend thing" and he knew he''d hurt my feelings on the phone when I was away, so all was good. He doesn''t get mad too much, I''d say he gets more frustrated with me than anything else. He feels he just can''t say anything "right." (I need to work on hearing what he actually says, not my negative take on it!)

And, ILoveSparkles-- he didn''t just come right out and say it like that. We were having a serious discussion, lots of tears, but not so much an argument, we just weren''t hearing each other right. He said earlier he''d had soemthing he wanted to tell me, but it "wouldn''t matter now" and later it came up and he told me I probably wouldn''t believe it, But yadda yadda... I think he wanted to tell me that b/c it was his way of letting me know it''s *coming* and not to worry so much about if it''s what he wants. I''ve been insecure in the last couple of weeks b/c of a carelss comment he made in my last thread and I jumped to all the wrong conclusions. So he wasn''t trying to be mean by saying that. And he''s still planning one

OK, back to the PEAR!!! Well, he didn''t want to open the box right away, and instead had fun torturing me with it! He said we had to go to dinner first, THEN we could open it. Argh. He even took it out of the fed-ex box, so I had to stare at the nice packaging.

We had a great dinner at a hibachi grill and when we got home, he opened it, THEN let me look at it. He looked happy with it and with himself. Can''t really describe it, but reality set in

We gawked at it from every possible angle and in every lighting we could, but I still have to get it outside (it''s overcast right now). He admitted last night that his "well in advance" comment (about ordering the diamond) was more girl-soon than boy-soon, btw.

So how do I attach a picture to a post??

I''m going to try to go take some now--looks a bit better out there..

I LOVE it, btw. But my ONLY basis of comparison are the very few I looked at at B&M stores. I never knew a pear could look so amazing, and it''s proportions are PERFECT for me. I really can''t wait to hear what you all think!

jen

 

[fatafelice]

YAY!!! I can''t wait to see it!

I think there is a helpful article in the FAQ about how to resize and post your pictures. Check that out...and get posting!

 

[Blenheim]

How exciting!

As to attaching pictures, when you click on the button to respond to the thread, look on the left hand side of the screen that comes up. There will be a button that says "Attach File" above the box that you actually type your response in. You need to browse on your computer to find the correct file, and the picture needs to be under some certain size or memory limit. It will tell you if it''s over it when you try to upload, and you can crop or adjust the resolution (haven''t figured out how to do this) until it''s finally okay.

If your picture is posted elsewhere online, there''s another way to do it. I can''t figure out how to just post the syntax here, but it''s explained here if you scroll down to "image."

I agree -- get posting!

 

[anchor31]

PLEASE POST PICS!!! I can''t wait to see it!!

 

[sk8rjen]

OK! I hope this works. I just found out how HARD it is to photograph a diamond! So, as everyone says, these pics don''t do it justice! I''ve been looking at the "show me the pears" thread and i see other bowties out there. Do you think thise one is too much?? Be honest (I think it''s beautiful, but I am not as familiar with looking at nice diamonds

)

jen

 

[sk8rjen]

Here''s another one (I''m having a tough time editing -- these are all magnified when I edit and it''s messing with me!)

 

[sk8rjen]

And one more....

So whaddaya think?????????

 

[sk8rjen]

Ok, so I spent all morning trying to figure out how in the world to post pics and now you all disappeared??

You needed pics and now I need FEEDBACK!!

jen

 

[fatafelice]

Okay, I think it is hard to tell from those pics, but I don''t see much of a bowtie.

What are the specs for the stone?