Leaving high paying, competitive career to be a stay at home mom?

[MRBXXXFVVS1]

My whole life I've wanted to be a stay-at-home mom as I want to spend as much time as I can with my kids, and raise them myself. I wanted to see if any other PSers have left a high paying, competitive career (ex: doctor, lawyer, executive) to be a stay at home mom? We are fortunate to have this option, however the opportunity cost is significant (7-8 figures over time, which could be "life changing"). What were some of the considerations that went into your decision? Would you do anything differently? How did you feel about spending and finances since you were no longer earning income? Do you have any advice? Did you end up going back into the workforce? If so, what was that experience like?

 

[chrono]

I took 8 weeks maternity and knew it's not for me. Plus with my line of work, technology changes so quickly that I would not be able to rejoin the workforce. Is it possible to take a year of unpaid leave to see whether this is what you want?

 

[Asscherhalo_lover]

It really depends on the specifics, is the career so demanding that you would otherwise NEVER see your children? Or is it at least somewhat balanced that you would see them and be able to spend quality time with them daily?

 

[kenny]

Could your partner be the stay-at-home parent?

 

[MakingTheGrade]

I have not but my cousin did.
She was in finance, and never really liked her job as she found it very stressful and always wanted to be a stay at home mom. Her spouse makes a very good income so money was no object, and so when her kiddo was born it was an easy choice.

He's 5 now, and while she doesn't regret the decision, there were things she didn't anticipate that sometimes she gets depressed and anxious about. For one, kiddo is what the family calls "difficult" and she sometimes struggles with feeling like a bad mother or battling feelings of resentment and frustration since this wasn't what she was envisioning when she thought about spending time raising her child. And since she's the stay at home parent I think she feels it's on her (and not her partner) to make sure their child is raised "right" so to speak and so that's been a strain on the relationship. She definitely does the bulk of the work when it comes to the child, which is what is expected given that she's a stay at home parent and what she wanted, but is a bit of a double edged sword. I think she feels guilty asking her spouse to do things like take the kid to things or watch the kid by himself so she can go to a movie by herself.

Also now that kiddo is in grade school, she doesn't have as much to do with her time and she spends a lot of it stressing and obsessing over all aspects of kiddos life, a bit to an unhealthy degree at times and I worry she's turning into a bit of a helicopter parent. Sometimes she misses the successes she found at her job, since as it is now, all her "accomplishment eggs" as she puts it, is in one basket. I try to talk to her about how potentially unhealthy this mindset can be but it's tough since it's her whole life right now. I worry about how her behaviors and attitude will affect the kid and their relationship as he gets older. I'm pretty sure if he goes through teenage rebellion and doesn't grow up to be a model citizen with a traditional sucessful life she's going to have a really bad midlife crisis.

She sometimes also talks about not being thrilled with her social circle. Even though her job stressed her out, she's always been ambitious and smart and honestly very full of pride at her accomplishments. When she quit her job she lost touch with many of her friends who were still pursuing their careers. Nothing dramatic, just stopped having as many things in common to talk and relate about, and I imagine some of her friends are a bit jealous that she doesn't "need" to work anymore. She made new friends via PTA type things and with other stay at home moms but she doesn't feel like "one of them" so to speak (part of this is related to our very humble upbringings and her social circle being very affluent now due to where her kiddo goes to school).

And while she never talks about it outright, I get hints now and then that her spouse in moments of heated arguments will hint at the fact that he works and is the sole breadwinner. Not in a threatening way, but more in a "see what I do for you" kind of gesture that I think is supposed to make her feel greatful but ends up just making her feel resentful. I actually really like him and think he's a good guy, but heated fights sometimes lead to people saying the worst things.

On the positive side, for the most part she's so much happier being a stay at home parent than she ever was at work where she sometimes had to call in a sick day just from the stress of it. She's never going back to that field. She loves taking care of her kiddo even though it's been a much tougher path than she ever anticipated. If it weren't for her being a stay at home mom I think the kid would be doing much worse in terms of behaviors. She has gotten to explore some hobbies and interests she never had the time to before and is exploring options for work that she'd actually enjoy. And when she's not upset about it, she actually realy likes that all her attention and effort is dedicated to her family lol.

Anyways, just sharing some insights by proxy. My cousin and I talk about this stuff sometimes because she sees me as a high driven career woman who would never be a stay at home parent. So when she's having a hard time and needs to vent she'll talk to me about it and sigh wistfully about how she could be me for awhile lol. She's not wrong about me, my job is my life and I quite like it that way! But who knows, maybe I"ll have a kiddo one day and totally change my mind when I stare into their tiny little face!

 

[yssie]

I feel strongly that any individual - man or woman, but in today's America it mostly applies to women - should be independently capable of supporting herself and any dependents she might have financially. Excluding people with large inheritances, etc., that doesn't demand working a high-powered, probably high-stress full-time job, but it does mean keeping one foot in the active workforce.

Life rarely goes according to plan. Occasionally it deviates hugely from one's plans. And American society has made it very easy for a woman to leave the workforce and very difficult for her to return in her former capacity should she want or need to.

 

[nala]

I feel strongly that any individual - man or woman, but in today's world it mostly applies to women - should be independently capable of supporting herself and any dependents she might have financially. Excluding people with large inheritances, etc., that doesn't demand working a high-powered, probably high-stress full-time job, but it does mean keeping one foot in the active workforce.

Life rarely goes according to plan. Occasionally it deviates hugely from one's plans. And American society has made it very easy for a woman to leave the workforce and very difficult for her to return in her former capacity should she want or need to.

This.

 

[GliderPoss]

This isn't my situation personally but from conversations with family & friends - it seems if they give up their career to be SAHM then suddenly the dynamic between them and their partner ALWAYS changes, especially in regards to money. Doesn't matter if they are "working" at home 24/7 it doesn't carry the same weight as cash in hand... Also best to keep some independence for yourself just in case - sad but true. I would try to find a balance between both like part time.

 

[facetgirl]

I left a senior level position in a great company. I had no intentions of leaving the workforce. Life threw me a curveball in the form of twins and I just leaned into that. Initially, there was a bit of sticker shock of not working anymore. Everything changed very quickly and I missed the rush of projects, decisions, the challenges. It was depressing for a bit. Then, it shifted again and truly was magical. I never thought I would be or enjoy being a stay at home Mom. The truth is, it was and remains simply the best period of my life. With that said, getting back into the workforce was not easy. I was ready, my kids were ready, but it was so hard and demoralizing getting my foot in the door. I wound up going back to work in a different industry in an entry level role, and was ok with that. I have a good position now and am very glad to be financially independent (@yssie is spot on). Every once in awhile I think of what could have been (oh the vacation home I would have!). Along the way I redefined what success looks like for me and, ya know, I'm good. It took a longtime for me to see just how unhappy I was back then.

Keep up your professional skills and profile. Volunteer in town. Keep yourself connected. If you are offered an opportunity to lead (no matter what it is), take it. Stay relevant. Try to find a part time gig if you can.

 

[YadaYadaYada]

I didn't leave a high paying job but growing up always wanted to be a
SAHM. Well I got my wish and ended up being home with both my sons until they went to school BUT they are seven years apart so I've been home for 13 years!

You know what nobody ever tells you when you say you want to stay home? How damn hard it is to get a job, ANY job after being out for so long. I literally did everything wrong, did not keep my professional license, didn't stay in touch with prior co-workers, you name it I did it wrong! I was also completely financially dependent on my husband the whole time. Yup according to everything you read all of that was not smart.

Now I'm going to be honest, I wouldn't change my decision to stay home but definitely keep up with what's going on in your industry because you never know when you will need it. I finally found a job that paid well and was working for three weeks before they shutdown since we are not essential.

Definitely get involved with a mom group if you can, it does wonders for you and it's fun for the baby to be with other littles. Try not to lose your whole self, that is easy to do, one day you wake up and have no identity outside of being a mom and wife and although both are important roles that can do a number of your self esteem.

If this is your dream then definitely go for it just be prepared and smart about it. Basically do the opposite of what I did lol!

 

[MRBXXXFVVS1]

Thanks for all the feedback and great advice!

@chrono I believe I could potentially take a year of unpaid leave, I'll have to look into that as a "test."

@Asscherhalo_lover I would still be able to see my children, however I feel that I don't have the bandwidth to do both.

@kenny Financially, it makes more sense for me to stay at home, as DH makes 2-3x what I do.

@MakingTheGrade Thanks for sharing your cousin's perspective, it was really helpful.

@yssie @nala and @GliderPoss Agree as well. Fortunately, I have saved and invested quite a lot on my own, so I would be able to support myself and dependents for 20-40 years if I needed to without a job, but it would be a very modest lifestyle. I've also thought of the possibility of continuing with my current career "part time," but I'm afraid that would end up being full-time work at half my current compensation.

@facetgirl I do worry about how I'll feel if I have to re-enter the work force at a lower level or have to "start over," and be much older than my peers. My priorities have definitely shifted as I've gotten older. When I was younger, my #1 focus was career achievement, but now it's shifted to health, family, and happiness.

@StephanieLynn Great advice about staying connected to the industry/colleagues and about self-identity! Oddly enough, I've defined myself by my career thus far, so curious to how that may change.

 

[Slickk]

I do love my job most days, but the 8 years I stayed home with my kids were some of the best years of my life. I was very lucky to be able to re-enter the workforce. I would not trade those child-rearing days for work days for anything. Your miles may vary. Good luck with your decision.

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

If you are in a career where you have to recertify in order to reenter that field, you may have to think about how "easy" it is to leave. I have very few colleagues or friends who left (entirely), say healthcare, because getting your professional license back is a lot of work. And picking up a shift on the weekend, while your partner assumes childcare, is seemless enough.

As for my relatives who are dentists and lawyers, they moved to smaller practices and worked to maintain their hours. But keeping with with current research and skills is a big thing. And fatigue if you do all the kid and house care.

cheers--Sharon

 

[Fabulous50]

I feel strongly that any individual - man or woman, but in today's America it mostly applies to women - should be independently capable of supporting herself and any dependents she might have financially. Excluding people with large inheritances, etc., that doesn't demand working a high-powered, probably high-stress full-time job, but it does mean keeping one foot in the active workforce.

Life rarely goes according to plan. Occasionally it deviates hugely from one's plans. And American society has made it very easy for a woman to leave the workforce and very difficult for her to return in her former capacity should she want or need to.

i couldn't agree more, having lived both of these lifestyles.

 

[Gussie]

This topic came up a few months ago. I did leave my relatively high paying career to be a SAHM. Quoting myself

Before I was a SAHM, I was an MBE (molecular beam epitaxy) engineering manager. I have masters degrees in physics, applied physics, and microelectronics/photonics. 3 masters means I didn't finish my PhD!!! Life happens and things don't always work out how we planned!

My son was diagnosed at age 3 with leukemia so I decided to stay at home while he was in treatment. During the 4 year treatment, I had 2 more kiddos and my husband's career really took off. So I just never went back to work. Honestly, it took some time to see staying at home as an opportunity instead of a sacrifice. Now I am completely grateful for how it all worked out!

Since my son was very sick, there wasn't even a second thought that I would leave my job to look after him during his treatment. There really isn't a choice when a 3 year old is on chemo for 4 years. I thought I would go back to work though. It was very hard to think that I had worked so hard for my education and moving up in my career. The fact that my husband was doing great in his position almost made it worse. Every time he got a promotion or raise, I felt my career slipping further away. There was plenty of money so I felt guilty that I wanted to work again. It took more than a few years for me to change my attitude about it all. Being able to stay at home without financial sacrifice is a gift; I recognize that now. I am also very fortunate that my husband and kids appreciate my role. He never considered us to be unequal because he was the sole earner. In fact, I am the one in charge of finances, lol. My children also like me being at home. Lots of their friends moms have demanding careers. My kids have commented that they are happy we all eat dinner together every night. Life can get crazy busy and I think that a parent staying at home offers some respite from the hustle and bustle. I am grateful for that. I could not have continued to stay at home I didn't see the benefits of it.

ETA I also wouldn't have stayed home if I didn't think we had a rock solid marriage. Staying out of the workforce for a long time has rendered me obsolete in my field. So that's another consideration.

 

[Bron357]

I only had the one and I did try and maintain my career but the hours and travel expectations weren’t a match for raising a child. It was extremely difficult to reduce my days and hours, they foisted a major salary reduction upon me because I wasn’t able to travel as much. I’d be in the office by 7am and I’d take a 30 minute lunch break and then leave at 5pm and I was made to feel I was working a “part day”. My boss would delight in starting meetings at 4.30pm so I’d have the uncomfortable experience of having to make my apologies and leave the meeting. Child care shut at 6pm and I had to be there by that time to pick up my daughter. I even went so far as to procure parking in the City Centre at $40 a day so I could stay til 5.30pm but the subtle harassment didn’t cease. DH also had a demanding job and he was doing the morning drop off as I was sitting at my desk 30 minutes before the centre even opened!
It all came to a head when I was in Melbourne after leaving my little one with a bit of a fever and cough. DH messaged me during the day a few times as he had stayed home from his job with her AND I got the evil eye from my boss for reading the text messages after my phone went ping. At 7pm my husband rang and said DD had deteriorated badly during the day and he was now at the Children’s Hospital and DD on oxygen support. We were at a dinner with clients and other staff and I told my boss I’d have be on the first plane back to Sydney tomorrow as my daughter was in intensive care at the children’s hospital. And he said “ but you have work obligations, we have 2 more days here“.
Well, I just went ballistic. And resigned and walked out. I mean my child was in intensive care, how much more serious can it get? Daughter had double pneumonia and was hospitalized for 5 days.
Never went back full time after that. Did a variety of contract and part time work and did work from home as a sole trader. It was wonderful being able to attend the concerts, the sports events, help out in the canteen, be a parent support on excursions. My mum had worked and I always wished she could have come to my school events. I also helped out other working mums who had to work. I was happy to drive a bunch of kids after school to band, to soccer, or dance or art classes or whathaveyou and drop them off home afterwards. I was so much more appreciated and felt I was making a valuable contribution to many kids lives. I would do it all over again.
Don’t get me wrong, before becoming a mother I loved work, loved travel, love functions and enjoyed a 6 figure salary but there’s more to life than that. It’s a personal choice and I feel very privileged to have been able to be a stay at home mum as there are many mothers who don’t have the choice.

 

[MakingTheGrade]

I'll also say that the idea of being financially dependent for me is just too scary no matter how strong a relationship I'm in. What if something happens to my spouse?
Also I know me, any HINT that I'm "trapped" will be a self fufilling prophecy for me to try and leave. My own weird neurosis that I can't kick.

 

[pearaffair]

I am an accidental stay at home mom. Due to my husband’s job making 2x or 3x more than mine, it has made sense to make his job a priority. Many other reasons (including pandemic!) have led to me being a mostly stay at home mom.

I never knew how career-driven I was until I fell into a life where I couldn’t pursue it at the level I was accustomed to. I LOVE my daughter, she is amazing and a very good child. I also find it very very hard to be around a child all day with no adults and a lot of repetition, and yes- some drudgery. So much of my life in the past two years has involved poo! Lol!

Questions I would ask you:

Are you an introvert or an extrovert?
Will you be able to afford support if you want it?
Do you have family around that will help?
How hard would it be to go back to your job?
Are you going to have more than one kid?
What makes you happiest right now? Would being a SAHM mom negatively effect that?

I would definitely explore maternity leave, sabbatical, or any kind of option that leaves the door open for you to return to work. Parenting is HARD, and sometimes thankless. It is also an amazing life experience that I wouldn’t trade for anything. That being said, I miss my job so so much and I sometimes resent that my husband’s life has changed so little (he has the same job and the same body!) while mine feels completely transformed.

Do what you can to keep options open
It is so hard to anticipate how you will feel! Best wishes <3

 

[pearaffair]

PS I know you and your husband are high earners but is medical coverage an issue for you? My job had health benefits and my husband’s job does not... we can afford to pay out of pocket but it is really so much nicer when you have a health plan.

 

[asscherisme]

I feel strongly that any individual - man or woman, but in today's America it mostly applies to women - should be independently capable of supporting herself and any dependents she might have financially. Excluding people with large inheritances, etc., that doesn't demand working a high-powered, probably high-stress full-time job, but it does mean keeping one foot in the active workforce.

Life rarely goes according to plan. Occasionally it deviates hugely from one's plans. And American society has made it very easy for a woman to leave the workforce and very difficult for her to return in her former capacity should she want or need to.

100000000 percent agree.

I gave up a high paying secure career to be a stay at home mother. I was one for years and was also trapped for years in an abusive marriage because I had no money to myself and ex husband changed and became financially controlling. It was a bad decision that I realized was a mistake after I was trapped.The abuse was gradual, It kept increasing. My friend compared it to a lobster that is put in cold water and the water starts to slowly raise up until it was boiling. He was a narcissist and a gaslighter.

I never would have imagined I would get divorced when I married. Or when I choose to stay home. He changed. I felt trapped for years. He would threaten that I would lose custody of my kids and would discredit me in court and convince them I was crazy. He threatened to leave me with no support at all. He abused me, he abused our kids.

After years, I got the strength to leave. My final straw was when he started to abuse my kids. I confessed to family that my "perfect marriage" was not. I had am amazing lawyer who got me through a two year hellish divorce ending in trial (he refused to settle and tried to get out of paying alimony or child support even though I gave up my career to support his career and raise our kids).

Happy ending: I have been happily divorced for years. I own my own home. My lawyer won me both long term spousal support and child support AND primary custody our children. He was punished by the court for his behavior.

I went back to school and earned a masters degree after my divorce to relaunch my career. It was a really hard road but I am so so proud of my masters. I always wanted one, but he convinced me I was too stupid to earn one, and would not let me pay for it.

If I could do it all over again, I would NEVER have given up my ability to earn a living. I would have kept things in my name. Heck, I would have KEPT my name when I married (I did change it back after divorce). If I had kept my career, I would not have been trapped.

I would advise my daughters and sons to not give up their ability to support themselves when married.

My story could happen to ANYONE. I never thought I would be in an abusive marriage. And my ex does not fit any profile of who I would expect. He is very educated and a highly respected professional in our community. He puts up the face of "Mr. Perfect". He acts like he was a victim in our divorce. Yet, he lost custody of our kids and his paychecks are garnished for child support because the courts lost trust in him paying. He does not tell people that part.

I am open to love at this point in my life, but I will never let myself become financialy dependent on anyone again.

 

[mellowyellowgirl]

I left a six figure salary to accidentally become a SAHM.

I loathed that career. It was everything I worked for, thought I wanted but it caused me great stress and was a huge disappoinment.

I love being a mummy. We have one (by choice) and I've enjoyed every moment of being home (except the one baby year, I don't like babies). I feel like it's also been very good for our marriage simply because we're less stressed and there is always someone to get stuff done. We're not juggling too many balls at the same time.

However I should point out that my husband is a very easy going, vague fellow who does not like to handle finances or deal with various transactions, banks etc. We don't have that tense financial dynamic because he doesn't care about money and his salary is paid into a joint account that he hasn't logged into for years.

He's also a very hands on father so I've never felt overly stressed about our kid. He knows everything there is to know about the kid and the dog. He's at every single meeting with the school, every doctor's appointment. The only thing he can't do is cook.

I agree with the others who say to try it out. I quite disliked little children before I had kids and didn't quit my job with the intent of having one. It just worked out that way. I love it though and am a very good kid person even though I never wanted to hold babies or anything.

For some reason I've got that children's television TV presenter persona and kids seem to dig it. I also have a penchant for inventing rogue games and activities. The things that any normal adult would frown at are all very reasonable to me.

One of my friends who has always wanted to be a mother went back to work because she realised she didn't particularly care for children and found them tedious. She disliked it as much as I hated my previous job.

I would have your options open until you know whether it's for you or not. I wouldn't say it's hard. It's just VERY different and you may or may not like that kind of thing.

 

[joelly]

I feel strongly that any individual - man or woman, but in today's America it mostly applies to women - should be independently capable of supporting herself and any dependents she might have financially. Excluding people with large inheritances, etc., that doesn't demand working a high-powered, probably high-stress full-time job, but it does mean keeping one foot in the active workforce.

Life rarely goes according to plan. Occasionally it deviates hugely from one's plans. And American society has made it very easy for a woman to leave the workforce and very difficult for her to return in her former capacity should she want or need to.

This I agree with.

I was raised by a stay at home mom. I am grateful for my Mom. Everything that I am is due to her dedication to my upbringing. However, nothing is perfect. Her stress has also become mine too. I suffered from an anxiety of her life. I am on meds now. Somehow she transferred the anxiety to me. So for the sake of my baby daughter, it is better if I continue to work.

 

[MarionC]

I took 8 weeks maternity and knew it's not for me. Plus with my line of work, technology changes so quickly that I would not be able to rejoin the workforce. Is it possible to take a year of unpaid leave to see whether this is what you want?

My parents wanted me to be a stay at home Mom and encouraged me by helping financially. At the time all I wanted was to be with my baby. My medical research field changed so rapidly that I was not able to go back to work at the same level when DD started school. I lost my edge, but never regretted being able to raise DD.
I do still miss my career even now, but it was a trade off.

 

[Ally T]

I worked as a Manager in an engineering company & earned a fair whack when i had my eldest daughter. She was booked into a full time Nursery from 6 months old. By the time she was about 4 months old & I'd found my stride, I made the decision that I didn't want to go back. I didn't want to pay somebody else to witness all the firsts that she would do, such as rolling onto her tummy, shuffling, crawling, walking etc. I just couldn't do it.

I still vividly remember the bright, hot sunny evening when I sat Mr T down, bursting into tears & telling him how I felt. He was stunned & made a comment about the money we'd be losing. But then almost instantly, and this is the important part, he took a big gulp, hugged me & said ok, we'll somehow make this work. I firmly believe our marriage would have taken a different path if he'd not done that.

We REALLY had to tighten our belts. We sold our nice cars & bought older ones & started shopping more frugally. It was hard, but we made our lives fit the one income & get the mortgage paid.

Daughter 2 arrived quickly after & at that time, we decided to go all in & set Mr T up in his own business. So now we were on one income AND ploughed our savings & all the security we had into a new company. Proper belt tightening ensued!

For us, I'm grateful to say it worked out & our company continues to thrive. Our 25 year mortgage was paid off as a priority after only 12 years, as owning our home & having zero credit was our main objective, so should things ever go tits up we would still have security.

When our youngest started school, I retrained after 7 years at home & went into a part time role at their school, term time only. I'm free to be with them for every school holiday, plus before or after activities during the week. To me, they are my job & their welfare & happiness is the number 1 goal of our marriage. And my new role working with young children is so rewarding.

Being a SATM was the best decision I have ever made, but I have friends who also did a few years at home & then re-entered their high flying careers after some update training. It can be done & I wish you well with your choices.

 

[Jambalaya]

I think the answer is in your first words, "My whole life I've wanted to be a stay-at-home mom." You know what you want, so I think your question is, "Is this wise?"

You don't have to decide your whole life right now. You know that you want to parent your children yourself, so why not just give yourself a year and see how it goes? Plenty of people stay home for under a decade, say 2-10 years, and then go back to work. I know you said the tech in your industry moves fast, but how about continuing to take courses? A commitment to continuing education will make you feel better about your prospects of returning to work should you need/want to. Another way of keeping your finger in is to teach something at night school, if there's a subject you know enough about. (It sounds like your job is pretty technical.)

I find it hard to imagine that you couldn't get back into your field after a short absence of five years or under. It sounds to me more that you are very worried that once you leave, you'll never be able to get back in. I wonder if this fear is leading you to catastrophize somewhat? Remember, the world is full of female workers who took a few years out and then re-entered the workforce. Even if your fears about never being able to return to your old job come true, I bet at least some of your skills are transferable.

Raising your children is something that you really, really want to do, so I think you should do it. Do what makes you happy. Children grow up and nothing is forever. Few decisions are truly irreversible. I hope you give raising your kids full-time a try, and I hope it brings you as much joy as it gave other posters here!

 

[Asscherhalo_lover]

100000000 percent agree.

I gave up a high paying secure career to be a stay at home mother. I was one for years and was also trapped for years in an abusive marriage because I had no money to myself and ex husband changed and became financially controlling. It was a bad decision that I realized was a mistake after I was trapped.The abuse was gradual, It kept increasing. My friend compared it to a lobster that is put in cold water and the water starts to slowly raise up until it was boiling. He was a narcissist and a gaslighter.

I never would have imagined I would get divorced when I married. Or when I choose to stay home. He changed. I felt trapped for years. He would threaten that I would lose custody of my kids and would discredit me in court and convince them I was crazy. He threatened to leave me with no support at all. He abused me, he abused our kids.

After years, I got the strength to leave. My final straw was when he started to abuse my kids. I confessed to family that my "perfect marriage" was not. I had am amazing lawyer who got me through a two year hellish divorce ending in trial (he refused to settle and tried to get out of paying alimony or child support even though I gave up my career to support his career and raise our kids).

Happy ending: I have been happily divorced for years. I own my own home. My lawyer won me both long term spousal support and child support AND primary custody our children. He was punished by the court for his behavior.

I went back to school and earned a masters degree after my divorce to relaunch my career. It was a really hard road but I am so so proud of my masters. I always wanted one, but he convinced me I was too stupid to earn one, and would not let me pay for it.

If I could do it all over again, I would NEVER have given up my ability to earn a living. I would have kept things in my name. Heck, I would have KEPT my name when I married (I did change it back after divorce). If I had kept my career, I would not have been trapped.

I would advise my daughters and sons to not give up their ability to support themselves when married.

My story could happen to ANYONE. I never thought I would be in an abusive marriage. And my ex does not fit any profile of who I would expect. He is very educated and a highly respected professional in our community. He puts up the face of "Mr. Perfect". He acts like he was a victim in our divorce. Yet, he lost custody of our kids and his paychecks are garnished for child support because the courts lost trust in him paying. He does not tell people that part.

I am open to love at this point in my life, but I will never let myself become financialy dependent on anyone again.

Oh this goes a long way to my heart. I was the child in the marriage in this situation. My parents didn't divorce, my father died when I was 12 leaving my Mom to figure it all out. It was a very rough road, that's for sure. Watching her I always told myself I would never rely on anyone else for money. IF I were in some kind of situation where it made financial sense for me to "stay home", there would be a legal agreement attached to it, a post-nup? Just to make sure I didn't get screwed.

 

[Elizabeth35]

As you can see from the responses--there is no one 'right' way to do this.

Have you and your DH had a serious discussion about this? It's pretty critical that he is 100% on board with the decision as the impact on your relationship dynamic and finances is pretty substantial.

If, or when, you would decide to return to work you really have an opportunity to re-invent yourself. You could return to your original field or take a different career path. You could start your own business or be self-employed, be full-time or part-time.
Keep that in mind if you stay home and prepare for the next phase. I went to school part-time while my kids were young in preparation for re-entering the workforce. I had zero difficulty returning to the workforce, although my first job was low-paying in order to get resume experience.

Does your field lend itself at all to consulting or gig work? That can be a way to keep yourself current and have some flexibility.

The other thing to keep in mind---you really don't know how being a SAHM will impact your relationship until you do it. You could try it and want to return to work. You could love it. Your DH might get resentful over being the main breadwinner. Or he could love you being a SAHM. You really don't know how each of you will react until you are in the middle of it.
So spend a lot of time discussing it with DH, and also if you choose to do this, keep discussing it.
Check in with him regularly and see how each of you are feeling about it. It's not a one and done decision---it is ongoing.

 

[missy]

It's so funny because just yesterday AM I was chatting with my mom about this very topic. She was very young when she got married and she was still in college. She was one of only 5 girls in her Pratt undergraduate class. It was prestigious in those days to be a woman attending college there. She had not planned on getting married so young because she had great plans for setting Madison Ave "on fire" to use her phrase. And in fact turned down 2 proposals from other boys when she was even younger knowing she was going to wait til her 30s to "settle down".


However as fate often demonstrates it has a mind of its own and she met my dad and 3 weeks later they were engaged. And married just 6 months after that. She still had one and a half years of college left and she and my dad decided she should graduate. However once she graduated she was already pregnant with me so she decided she would stay at home with me and our dog and then my sister soon joined us 2 years later. She never realized her Madison Ave dream. But she made a new dream in the meantime. And when we got older she went back to school and got her teaching degree and started teaching. The kids all loved her in the inner city tough school she was teaching at and she loved them and loved her new career.

She did speak wistfully of leaving behind her first dream but was happy with her choices and that is what it is all about. Choices. Not one right or wrong answer per se but finding what makes the most sense for you and your family and what will give you satisfaction and a joie de vivre if you will. There is no perfect one way rather what works perfectly enough for you.

My whole life I've wanted to be a stay-at-home mom as I want to spend as much time as I can with my kids, and raise them myself.

IMO this says it all. This is your dream right now and that is 100% A OK! It is a wonderful dream and if you can afford this dream I say go for it. And as life changes and time marches on you may find new dreams just as or more satisfying and you can go for that. Life is rarely static. It moves forward no matter what and life's plans rarely stay the same no matter what we might have in store we have to adapt and roll with the changes that are inevitable.

Wishing you all the happiness and success in the world. NO matter how you define that success remembering there is no one definition of success.

 

[GoldenTouch]

I didn’t have a high flying career but I had a fantastic well paying job & had nearly paid off my own home when I met my x husband.
I left work after a long battle with fertility treatment to have my child, I left before she was conceived after losing many pregnancies.
If I had my way I would never of given up work (after 12 months maternity leave), I would if always gone back.
However stress at work & now as I see it a pushy (not supportive) changed that.
I DON’T regret being a SAHM Mumma at all! I spent 1.5 years at home with my stepdaughter before my child was born. Beautiful times!
When I had my daughter it was bliss. Best time ever. I had her trained to use the “potty” @ 5 months, if you don’t believe me google “elimination communication”.
My child was with me 24/7 until she started school. She happily went to school as she was well socialised, happy & secure.
My x husband & I went our own ways when she was nearly 5. Terrible times... we still haven’t finalised property settlement & she is now 10.

I volunteered in my community after separating & retrained in a job I love with hours that suit my child’s schooling (I work school hours & have school holidays off). Pay isn’t fabulous... Financially it has been difficult but I wouldn’t change it for anything.
I would of before I gave up my job (if I had this hindsight)
*never change my name (I did change it back)
* have a double barrelled name for my child from birth (got this through court but was $$)
* get an agreement re: support from your husband if things ever go wrong. (I don’t know how that would stand up in family court).
* have some independent finances behind you that can’t be touched (family court considers all assets joint (& debt!!)
*You can’t always rely on others to do the “right, moral thing” by you or your children.

I thought the world of the man I married but he is not the man I’m divorced from.... but I’m blessed to be a Mumma & it’s all worth it.

But from all of the rot I’ve been through being a SAHM was a blessing & I’m great full to my x husband for supporting ($$ only) in that. It’s a short time, the best time. Treasure it.

Best of luck to you & yours

 

[YadaYadaYada]

One thing I forgot to mention that I never would have expected was losing friends after leaving the workforce. I just didn't have anything in common with women who worked full time, or at least that's how they felt and the relationship suffered.

A friendship of 20 years ended after having my second child, it sounds pretentious but she was jealous that I could stay home with two kids and she couldn't. She was also having problems in her marriage that I wasn't so that was another factor.

That's why finding a SAHM group of some kind IMO is so important, not to say that working and SAHM moms can't be friends but it really helps to have other moms you can share your experience with who can relate. Also they will have the time during the day so you can get together for a playgroup during the week. Even if you decide to work part time it will still be great to have that option available.