Let it all hangout -- The Grumpies, whinies, complainies Get It Off Your Chest Thread....

[seaurchin]

@seaurchin, I agree with everything you said about protecting the nuclear family. What I’m trying to avoid is being the scapegoat for her not having a relationship with her nephews, while at the same time not subjecting myself to anymore of her abuse. That isn’t being dramatic, she is abusive.

It’s just a crap situation, but it seems like it will be a lot less dramatic of a holiday than last year

Wishing you and your family a wonderful holiday as well!

Definitely. Been there, done that. Then again, anyone she could trash talk you to KNOWS her so she may not get as far with that as she thinks!

 

[ItsMainelyYou]

Sigh

It is the holiday season and SIL has gone basically no contact with us this year. Actually the last time DH spoke to her she denied saying certain things (last year at Christmas during a huge argument) and then completely flipped out when she found out the Ring camera recorded her saying exactly what she denied.

Anyways yesterday older son comes up to me and asks what SIL should get younger son for Christmas. I said he really enjoys Lego but she should talk to DH because I have no idea what he has already. Decided to see what she texted him and after he told her to ask DH, she said she wanted to buy younger son a coat and asked what size to get him. Even though older son said he doesn’t need a coat (I saved all the coats older son used so we are more than good) she is determined to get him this coat. Why ask what he wants if you are just going to get him what you want?

My issue isn’t the coat so much as putting older son in the middle, she even said “you have to put up with my Christmas questions since you are old enough now”. I asked DH to contact her, we need to nip this in the bud, she is a grown woman and should know that this is just not appropriate.

I really can’t stand her, if I never had to deal with her again it would be a blessing.

Take this with whatever salt-
There is no escaping her trying to dramatize her wrongdoing as your perceived fault. She most absolutely will. It is her last card. Don't respond and don't worry about what other relatives think. Not your problem. If nobody responds, she has no leverage. She has no power. Control is what she wants. She is a narcissist at least (though this new little foray is into malignant territory) who is now stooping to using your child in her power plays. She is just opening a new avenue for undermining and chaos for you, and confusion and pain for your kids. She will not, and cannot, do the decent thing. She does not reason in the same way you do. She can only be mitigated. In the rare case that you must deal with her, continue to have evidence of altercation.
Roll that beautiful bean footage.

 

[YadaYadaYada]

Thanks @ItsMainelyYou, everything you wrote makes sense. I’m just tired of dealing with his dysfunctional family members, (first MIL and now SIL) DH and I have been together for 20 years, so some form of drama has been going on for a long time.

Not to say I am perfect, far from it and I come from my own dysfunctional family but I do try to be a good person, it’s just exhausting!

 

[ItsMainelyYou]

Thanks @ItsMainelyYou, everything you wrote makes sense. I’m just tired of dealing with his dysfunctional family members, (first MIL and now SIL) DH and I have been together for 20 years, so some form of drama has been going on for a long time.

Not to say I am perfect, far from it and I come from my own dysfunctional family but I do try to be a good person, it’s just exhausting!

Hang in there, love. That's what they do, it's all they do.
They suck you dry and revel in the distress it causes.
I hear you, I have personal experience with just this type of BS. In the end, I just totally cut ties. I had to.
You take care of you and yours, just like you're doing, and they can both get bent.

 

[dk168]

This time of the year, the charitable organisation that I belong to is usually very busy with collections and Santa Sleigh floats in the town.

Due to adverse weather conditions - very cold for this time of the year, with frost not melting, and the snow we had turned to ice and would not melt, and freeze/refreeze made some of the areas that did not have much footfall resembling an ice ring.

We had some criticism about Santa being used to the cold, and the main roads were fine etc., however, they might not realise we don't just use main roads, and the residential areas where Santa would visit, on a sleigh on a trailer being towed by a reindeer/car, are not well-visited.

I just heard that one of my friends in town slipped on ice and broke her femur, ruining the plans she had with her family over Christmas.

Luckily, she has her OH who is not affected and is able to provide care for her, as well as being able to help in the kitchen.

Twice I nearly slipped just walking about to the car/van myself.

The charitable organisation was rightly to be concerned, as many members are elderly and quite frail. They would struggle to get back up had their fall even with nothing broken.

Stay safe everyone and mind where you go!

DK

 

[House Cat]

Thanks @ItsMainelyYou, everything you wrote makes sense. I’m just tired of dealing with his dysfunctional family members, (first MIL and now SIL) DH and I have been together for 20 years, so some form of drama has been going on for a long time.

Not to say I am perfect, far from it and I come from my own dysfunctional family but I do try to be a good person, it’s just exhausting!

You really don’t have to deal with them. I’ve cut many people off from my life. This means no access to my kids either. If I can’t trust you in my own life, I’m definitely not going to trust you in my kid’s life without my involvement.

The people I have cut off have all played every victim card they could think of. I’m heartless, I’m keeping the kids from them, I’m doing this to hurt the person, etc... know what? Screw it, I can play the bad guy in order to keep those people away. I know I’m in the right.

I’ve been slandered to family. Some of them believed i was heartless, so they’re gone too. I’ve been called by family to try and manipulate me into talking to my parents. I don’t talk to any of them either. Only the family who respects my boundaries, even if they don’t understand my story, are a part of my life now.

After a while, everyone who thought it was so important to manipulate just sort of let it go. Now i live in peace. It took years, but it was totally worth it.

 

[YadaYadaYada]

Maybe someday I’ll get to where you are @House Cat, obviously not easy to cut people off but necessary at times for our well being.

 

[seaurchin]

Maybe someday I’ll get to where you are @House Cat, obviously not easy to cut people off but necessary at times for our well being.

Hope you're doing well. As I'm sure you know, cutting family ties is definitely a process, often years or decades long. Imo it's just extremely hard to comprehend why anyone would mistreat a close relative to the extent that the close relative would prefer they just not come around anymore. I mean, is it really so hard to simply behave decently when you don't even share a home, workplace, or children together. I don't think I'll ever fully understand it tbh.

 

[YadaYadaYada]

@seaurchin, just to clarify by “get to where you are”. I’m just looking for peace. To be in this state of semi silent treatment but contact when she wants, is very strange and I just don’t want the kids dragged into it.

She is a person who is easily triggered, perpetually offended and wants everyone to agree with her views. Without getting into the heart of this, she has crossed the line several times with the kids by not only correcting me in front of them (about something that didn’t even concern her) but also telling them things that go against our beliefs. So to her, we are the bad, closed-minded ones, and she is angry at me for not getting on with MIL when she was alive.

That’s why we are where we are with her.

 

[dk168]

Why do people get so stressed out about a big holiday meal?

It is just a glorified roast dinner for more people!!!

I choose to be on my own with the pets and cook up two nice meals on Christmas and Boxing Days.

I get to eat and drink what I like, do what I like and have full control of the TV remote.

What's not to like?

DK

 

[monarch64]

Why do people get so stressed out about a big holiday meal?

It is just a glorified roast dinner for more people!!!

I choose to be on my own with the pets and cook up two nice meals on Christmas and Boxing Days.

I get to eat and drink what I like, do what I like and have full control of the TV remote.

What's not to like?

DK

I never got the hype surrounding holidays. My mother always made a huge fuss and blamed it on my father “your father has to have a particular setup or he isn’t happy.” Well, my father is gone now and as it turns out, he was not the one insisting on making the holidays a Big Deal. I know my mom is still adjusting to life without him and that’s a contributing factor but she definitely shifted blame whenever my brother and I would ask her not to go to so much trouble as it just made everyone stressed and uncomfortable. I hope things get easier… we had a very peaceful thanksgiving day with fewer expectations and no drama so that was nice. Fingers crossed Christmas will follow suit.

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

groceiers just arrived
$593 and i forgot to order milk
the supermarket online ordering system is a bit glitchy and if you delete something off yourr order it quite often also deletes thing after it too

you know the stu[id thing will prompt you at payment and say have you forgoten prevously purchased items .. like chocolate or biscuits or chips

6x 2l of milk is the first thing i usually put in my order (i freeze half)
now ill have to cart it home two bottles at a time from the dairy (neighbourhod shop) in the heat with a bung knee

 

[RMOO]

groceiers just arrived
$593 and i forgot to order milk
the supermarket online ordering system is a bit glitchy and if you delete something off yourr order it quite often also deletes thing after it too

you know the stu[id thing will prompt you at payment and say have you forgoten prevously purchased items .. like chocolate or biscuits or chips

6x 2l of milk is the first thing i usually put in my order (i freeze half)
now ill have to cart it home two bottles at a time from the dairy (neighbourhod shop) in the heat with a bung knee

Argggh! I hate when that happens. We went into a store recently to get a gift card for someone. We looked around a bit, found something for a second person, and checked out, completely forgetting the very thing we had gone to the store for in the first place! We remembered halfway back to the car in the parking lot, and I had to go back in and stand in line for the register AGAIN.

 

[ItsMainelyYou]

Kaaaaay, a bit pissed.
So, regular dental checkups, like clockwork- same insurance/dentist for 17 yrs. My youngest had some tiny cavities for the first time. They gave the option wait or take care of them as a preventative. I say thinking nothing of it- fix them now, of course. Little composite fillings, naturally. I get my reimbursement back and they have decided to not cover composites on molars and no longer offer sliding scale rates. So, none of her work was covered and they only paid half for her cleaning and mine.
What?!
My dental office hasn't done any amalgam fillings in over a decade. I had my old fillings replaced 15 yrs ago, same place. The insurance fully covered that.
I live in a high cost area and dental work is 'city' rates.
The insurance always covered it. That is the point of paying for the high option dedicated supplemental insurance, yes?
As of this year, apparently no more.
I don't find out this pertinent information about coverage until after our 'open season' is over for the year, so we're stuck with them.
I've had this plan for around 20 yrs. This is the first time other than cleanings that either of my children have had any work done.
I could've paid all of our dental expenses as a family out of pocket just by not paying them for the year. I'm now stuck essentially paying twice. For nothing.
WTF am I paying them several thousand a year for, then?

 

[dk168]

One of the volunteers at the homeless and vulnerable people charity where I volunteer as a cook once a month, and it was via her recommendation that I ended up volunteering for this charity; quipped when I went in to check what were the items available for a big Crimbo meal tomorrow for 30+ guests, and there were ample of food being donated to the charity; and she commented that she wished it would be like this all through the year and not just this time of the year.

And I thought she could have contributed to the food supply if she wanted to, rather than to rely one what is available whenever it is her turn to cook a meal.

:sigh:

I just get on with what I can do to help, such as ordering ingredients for my meal when it my turn to cook - my choice as it means I don't have to rely on what's available, and ignore her negativity.

DK

 

[dk168]

Planned to go into town which is 1.7miles from where I live to have an evening's rum tasting; booked my taxi a week in advance as I did not fancy walking back in case the weather is foul.

I walked back after last month's event which was fine and I had done it before a number of times late at night - it is a safe town and neighbourhood.

Booked for 22:00 a week a go, and I received a phone call from the taxi firm at about 20:30 to inform me they would not be able to pick me up at the appointed time.

Lone female, been out drinking, and booked the taxi a week ago!!!

They said they could pick me up at 22:45 and I checked with the owner of the venue if I could stay until then and she said it would be fine as they would still be about tidying up etc...

Apparently, there had been a number of booking errors, and my booking was not the only that had to be postponed this evening.

I shall submit a complaint and ask what they are doing to prevent future occurrence.

This happened after the bus I intended to catch was cancelled (good job I checked!!!), and I did not have a choice except to drive myself into town and parked it at the long term car park overnight.

I have an early dental appointment tomorrow, so I could go into town early to pick the car up, do the last of the Crimbo shopping before my dental appointment, and do not have to pay any parking charge as it is free from 18:00 to 08:00.

Just a tad annoyed about a well-planned evening out had turned been turned into a bit of a pickle beyond my control. However, I was able to salvage the night afterall.

DK

 

[YadaYadaYada]

@ItsMainelyYou, I would be mad too, the coverage is less but the premiums never are. Do you mind me asking if this is Delta or another company?

 

[ItsMainelyYou]

@ItsMainelyYou, I would be mad too, the coverage is less but the premiums never are. Do you mind me asking if this is Delta or another company?

Not at all!
MetLife, they used to be the 'better' dental option and they had the costs to match. My best friend has Delta, and as of this year now has better coverage for half the cost. It's ridiculous!
* we also pay the 'high' family option so it doesn't matter if you're in or out of network- not that it should matter in my case as my dentist IS in network.

 

[YadaYadaYada]

Not at all!
MetLife, they used to be the 'better' dental option and they had the costs to match. My best friend has Delta, and as of this year now has better coverage for half the cost. It's ridiculous!
* we also pay the 'high' family option so it doesn't matter if you're in or out of network- not that it should matter in my case as my dentist IS in network.

I just don’t get dental insurance companies. As an example of how ridiculous coverage is, I grind my teeth at night, they will not pay any portion of a mouth guard as a preventative ($500). I use the OTC ones, but even religiously using them, I now have hairline fractures on all my molars which requires crowing each tooth. They WILL pay a portion of the crown but not the mouth guard

If you can I guess it would be worth it to switch. Insurance is all a racket and that’s why I don’t work in that industry anymore!

 

[stracci2000]

I just don’t get dental insurance companies. As an example of how ridiculous coverage is, I grind my teeth at night, they will not pay any portion of a mouth guard as a preventative ($500). I use the OTC ones, but even religiously using them, I now have hairline fractures on all my molars which requires crowing each tooth. They WILL pay a portion of the crown but not the mouth guard

If you can I guess it would be worth it to switch. Insurance is all a racket and that’s why I don’t work in that industry anymore!

I have complained long and loud about dental insurance.
Every time I go for a cleaning, I tell them "Don't do anything that my insurance doesn't cover!" They probably think I'm horrible, but I don't care.

 

[ItsMainelyYou]

I just don’t get dental insurance companies. As an example of how ridiculous coverage is, I grind my teeth at night, they will not pay any portion of a mouth guard as a preventative ($500). I use the OTC ones, but even religiously using them, I now have hairline fractures on all my molars which requires crowing each tooth. They WILL pay a portion of the crown but not the mouth guard

If you can I guess it would be worth it to switch. Insurance is all a racket and that’s why I don’t work in that industry anymore!

Me neither, they used to be great, covered everything in full, no questions. Never had an issue. They had 80-100% coverage on everything, and 50% on crowns/veneers with 2000 per person limit a year and they didn't include cleanings in the limit.
I know that lament. I have every molar crowned partly because of old amalgam fillings and grinding. That's one of the reasons I was so shocked they all of a sudden wanted to put metal into my kid's mouth, knowing what they can do long term. The fillings were tiny, they would've have been larger if they used amalgams because of the nature of the material. You have to grind away more tooth to seat them. Who would do that by choice? It's idiotic.
It's just a record scratch 180- yet they want to charge the same exorbitant premiums?! Nah, don't think I will. It doesn't make sense.
I'll have to check out the other options/plans, I'm very mad we're stuck for another year until the next open season. I'll write the obligatory letter to MetLife that I shouldn't have to, because they know why it's not the better material...which they'll ignore, I'm sure. We're more limited in Federal plan options. So we'll see.
Also it's a pretty rare thing to spend several thousand a year on teeth. I paid them all that money in the off chance something catastrophic occurs so we wouldn't have any questions or worry.
I was doing the math and we've paid tens of thousands in the two decades we've been with them. It's embarrassing how much. I know the entire family hasn't had anywhere near that amount of work in that time. It was something we didn't really think about.
Now I'm thinking really hard about it.
I could've paid for all the work and our cleanings with just the premium I paid them for the year.
So, I keep coming back WTF am I paying them for?

* Ooh but don't I get wordy when I'm pissed, yes, I certainly do

 

[missy]

Ugh that is not right @ItsMainelyYou I am so sorry


I will share my thoughts about dental health. I feel keeping teeth and gums healthy are critical to our overall good health. I trust my dentist (she is our good friend and we have known her since the 90s long before she became our dentist) and I do what I need to keep all in good health even if not covered by insurance.

If you can afford it it's worth it. And if you can't I say give up something so you can because good health is priceless.

My perspective only and of course each individual must do what is best for them. But my advice is do not skimp on dental health.

 

[missy]

What amazes me is how dental health is separate from our health insurance. Why separate it? For that matter same for eye health. Why is it not all covered under one health insurance policy? Who made that unfortunate decision (rhetorical question)? :/

 

[oakleaf]

Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Also, stupid snow packed icy roads.

 

[seaurchin]

Ugh that is not right @ItsMainelyYou I am so sorry


I will share my thoughts about dental health. I feel keeping teeth and gums healthy are critical to our overall good health. I trust my dentist (she is our good friend and we have known her since the 90s long before she became our dentist) and I do what I need to keep all in good health even if not covered by insurance.

If you can afford it it's worth it. And if you can't I say give up something so you can because good health is priceless.

My perspective only and of course each individual must do what is best for them. But my advice is do not skimp on dental health.

I totally agree. We are currently catching up on dental appointments that we've let go for several years, and vow to keep up on it better from now on. We just spent about $7,000 on dental care, with another $7,000 coming up. That's for two deep cleanings (one each and we're both perio patients), two tooth extractions (one each), a root canal, several cavity fillings and two partial dentures (one each). The way the appointments fall, it's half in 2022 and half in 2023.

The dental insurance policies we've had in the past were more of an annoyance than real financial help so now we just pay for dental care ourselves.

I agree that dental care is far more important than many other things we could spend the money on, both appearance-wise and for health, since a lot of dental problems include going around with a chronic infection in your mouth.

 

[seaurchin]

Re the hype around holiday dinners that was discussed earlier, I'm thinking about it now because it's just a couple of days away.

I'm sure some people enjoy doing it up big and that's great. But I have also known plenty who did not but felt obligated anyway for some reason. I keep it simple and easy and then I'm ready to enjoy my guests rather than exhausted. I doubt if anyone really cares that the dinner rolls and pies are store bought and etc.

 

[RMOO]

Re the hype around holiday dinners that was discussed earlier, I'm thinking about it now because it's just a couple of days away.

I'm sure some people enjoy doing it up big and that's great. But I have also known plenty who did not but felt obligated anyway for some reason. I keep it simple and easy and then I'm ready to enjoy my guests rather than exhausted. I doubt if anyone really cares that the dinner rolls and pies are store bought and etc.

Agree. I am hosting this year, and I specifically chose dishes that are very simple to make on the day, or can be made a day/days earlier and just finished/baked/heated on the holiday.

 

[ItsMainelyYou]

Ugh that is not right @ItsMainelyYou I am so sorry


I will share my thoughts about dental health. I feel keeping teeth and gums healthy are critical to our overall good health. I trust my dentist (she is our good friend and we have known her since the 90s long before she became our dentist) and I do what I need to keep all in good health even if not covered by insurance.

If you can afford it it's worth it. And if you can't I say give up something so you can because good health is priceless.

My perspective only and of course each individual must do what is best for them. But my advice is do not skimp on dental health.

THIS.
It's a direct link to cardiac health!
I fully agree, the fact that full coverage dental health isn't included in general insurance is a travesty. The body is a system. I feel the same about vision/audio, which I also pay handsomely for. This country treats it's people very poorly. All of this should be a necessary subsidized expense to benefit us all. Profit is the absolute last consideration.
There's a ridiculous burden of expense for basic wellbeing. It creates a large part of our soft caste.
It's a repugnant premise that I'm made to feel we're lucky that we can pay.

*I've heard M.Cuban with all of his billions is spending it to buy patents to bring down medicine costs for everyone. I'm grateful he's doing this, but it just highlights our collective shame as a country that it's even necessary.

 

[TooPatient]

Kaaaaay, a bit pissed.
So, regular dental checkups, like clockwork- same insurance/dentist for 17 yrs. My youngest had some tiny cavities for the first time. They gave the option wait or take care of them as a preventative. I say thinking nothing of it- fix them now, of course. Little composite fillings, naturally. I get my reimbursement back and they have decided to not cover composites on molars and no longer offer sliding scale rates. So, none of her work was covered and they only paid half for her cleaning and mine.
What?!
My dental office hasn't done any amalgam fillings in over a decade. I had my old fillings replaced 15 yrs ago, same place. The insurance fully covered that.
I live in a high cost area and dental work is 'city' rates.
The insurance always covered it. That is the point of paying for the high option dedicated supplemental insurance, yes?
As of this year, apparently no more.
I don't find out this pertinent information about coverage until after our 'open season' is over for the year, so we're stuck with them.
I've had this plan for around 20 yrs. This is the first time other than cleanings that either of my children have had any work done.
I could've paid all of our dental expenses as a family out of pocket just by not paying them for the year. I'm now stuck essentially paying twice. For nothing.
WTF am I paying them several thousand a year for, then?

Is dental only during open enrollment? I know the plan DH has can be changed or cancelled any time since it is private and not through an employer or anything. You might double check!

 

[ItsMainelyYou]

Is dental only during open enrollment? I know the plan DH has can be changed or cancelled any time since it is private and not through an employer or anything. You might double check!

With federal benefits we can only choose to pay for options under their agreements. More rules, less variety. They allow for changes once a year that I'm aware of.