LIW...is Daddy gonna pay for your wedding?

[mochamamasita]

My parents will contribute $7,000 (such a random amount), and then my future fiance and I will pay the rest. I'm estimating that the whole wedding will cost a total of $20,000, so my parents are almost paying half.

 

[Pandora II]

My father is very traditional and sees it as his role to pay for his daughters weddings - poor man there are 3 of us! He started a savings account when I was born for the purpose.

I actually paid for a lot of things in the end and did a heck of a lot of DIY to keep costs down - cake, flowers, favours, stationery (except invitations), music and photographer I managed to sneak past him. More because I didn't want him looking shocked at how much things cost these days rather than him not being able to afford it. I was also 36 when I got married.

My mother was very ill that year so my parents pretty much gave me free rein to do whatever I wanted - they know my tastes so they weren't worried - but did take a large chunk of the guest list, which was fine by me as I like all their friends.

DH's parents knew that my father wanted to pay so they gave us very generous wedding gifts towards our honeymoon and new house.

When our daughter was born, DH started saving for her wedding. Even though he's not very traditional he's already looking forward to the day he gets to make the Father of the Bride speech.

We have been lucky to have parents who have always been there to support us and want to do the same for her. That does not mean that they/we intend to pay off debts, pay for houses or cars or give allowances that mean you can sit on your backside and not get a job.

 

[paisleyandpearls]

I'm mostly a lurker on pricescope (who can resist SMTB?) but I had to laugh (based upon my personal experience) when I saw this topic.

My fiance and I are getting married in May and I'll never forget when my dad approached me to talk about the budget. His words were "I know that tradition would have me (the father of the bride) foot the bill for your Martha's Vineyard wedding... but I took you and GC moving in together BEFORE you got married to mean you two weren't the 'tradional' types..."

Of course good old Dad said with a smile and a wink (and is kindly paying for half of the fete) - but who can argue with that?

 

[amc80]

His words were "I know that tradition would have me (the father of the bride) foot the bill for your Martha's Vineyard wedding... but I took you and GC moving in together BEFORE you got married to mean you two weren't the 'tradional' types..."

That's such a Dr. Laura thing to say!

 

[mariewest]

Ha. I'm sorry I've got to laugh at this. I am the oldest of four girls in my family and my Dad always joked he was just leave the door unlocked and we can all elope. By the time my youngest sister came around, everyone was joking with him that he would pay for 4 weddings.

My parents had put aside some money for us since we were all young. When we graduate college we are allowed access to that money to do whatever we want with (car, house, grad. school, wedding etc.) I plan on using that money towards the wedding, however the majority of the funds will come from my SO and I. I am hoping that SO's Dad will contribute a little, but nothing is guaranteed.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Well, we fall in the traditional camp. My parents (and a dear aunt) paid for my college and small wedding and we will do the same for our kids. Most people in their 20's certainly do not have the money for a wedding. We love our kids and wouldn't have had them if we didn't want to do these things for them. Naturally if they did have money of their own, they'd be free to spend above and beyond what we have budgeted. But they are practical like we are and wouldn't want to spend extravagantly anyway. Our oldest daughter is close to being engaged, and I expect we'll do a country club wedding for about 125 people.

 

[rosetta]

Both sets of parents are splitting the cost, no interference apart from a few extra guests. We are very grateful for their generosity.

 

[Autumnovember]

Well, we fall in the traditional camp. My parents (and a dear aunt) paid for my college and small wedding and we will do the same for our kids. Most people in their 20's certainly do not have the money for a wedding. We love our kids and wouldn't have had them if we didn't want to do these things for them. Naturally if they did have money of their own, they'd be free to spend above and beyond what we have budgeted. But they are practical like we are and wouldn't want to spend extravagantly anyway. Our oldest daughter is close to being engaged, and I expect we'll do a country club wedding for about 125 people.

So parents who do not pay for their kids weddings must not love them?

I'm confused by your statement. I don't think parents paying or not paying is symbolic of the love between a parent and child. I also don't think a parent who does pay for their kids entire wedding loves their child anymore than a parent who does not. I think most parents would probably like to contribute to their kids wedding but not every persons financial situation allows for that.

 

[ring983]

Based on this thread, I decided to ask SO what she thought of things. Her parents are significantly better off than mine, and if the roles were reversed I know that my parents would not be paying and it would be on us as a couple. That said I/We will be paying for the rehearsal, so out of fairness, I would think we should pay for the wedding as well.

Ultimately, I guess its up to her and her family, and perhaps that is fair since the majority of the guests will be coming from her side.

Is there any sense of indebtedness on the parts of the grooms to have the brides family pay for what can ultimately end up being a very large bill? Does the brides family simply pay and be done with it and it is never brought up again? As though it were a gift to the daughter, rather than paying a bill for the future son in law?

 

[yssie]

Based on this thread, I decided to ask SO what she thought of things. Her parents are significantly better off than mine, and if the roles were reversed I know that my parents would not be paying and it would be on us as a couple. That said I/We will be paying for the rehearsal, so out of fairness, I would think we should pay for the wedding as well.

Ultimately, I guess its up to her and her family, and perhaps that is fair since the majority of the guests will be coming from her side.

Is there any sense of indebtedness on the parts of the grooms to have the brides family pay for what can ultimately end up being a very large bill? Does the brides family simply pay and be done with it and it is never brought up again? As though it were a gift to the daughter, rather than paying a bill for the future son in law?

It really depends on the relationships between parents and children. We were very grateful for both our families' siginificant contributions to our wedding, and all contributions were considered gifts - no strings attached, and they don't hold it over our heads now, though we legitimately wanted their input on and assistance with many things so "they got their way" w/ lots of stuff.

I do think that whoever pays has the automatic right to the final say on whatever they're paying for - if the parents fund the florist and you want red roses and mum hates red roses, you should either live without red roses or pay for flowers yourself.. if the parents fund the wedding and they want 200 people and you want 20, you'll either live with the larger guestlist or pay your own way for what you want..

 

[rosetta]

I agree with yssie.

Esp in regards to the guest list, as long as you get to have your guests there, I think your parents should be allowed to invite who they want. If you only want your way or the highway, then surely you must pay for it yourself. Only fair!

We got lucky that our parents have given us free rein. But had they wanted lots of input, I would certainly defered to them.

 

[PrincessNatalie]

Honestly even if paying for my own wedding, if there are things my parents want a say in or guests who my parents want to invite I would give the matter careful consideration, if its important enough that they bring the issue up with us, I dont think it would be fair to say no without serious consideration. Esp since they might not be paying for the wedding but they did pay for everything for me for years and years up until the moment I left home (and sometimes after).

If my mum really wants a couple of her friends there she can have them. Its her daughters wedding and I am sure she will be proud

I just wanted to add though, if we ever change our minds on the baby front (dont want them lol) and I that if I ever have a daughter, I will start saving from when she is a baby to help her out with her wedding, my parents are divorced and have 4 children and things have not exactly gone to plan in the financial department, and I now know how much of a help it would have been to have your parents help out (weddings are expensive!) and so I would like to do so for my daughter one day.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Well, we fall in the traditional camp. My parents (and a dear aunt) paid for my college and small wedding and we will do the same for our kids. Most people in their 20's certainly do not have the money for a wedding. We love our kids and wouldn't have had them if we didn't want to do these things for them. Naturally if they did have money of their own, they'd be free to spend above and beyond what we have budgeted. But they are practical like we are and wouldn't want to spend extravagantly anyway. Our oldest daughter is close to being engaged, and I expect we'll do a country club wedding for about 125 people.

So parents who do not pay for their kids weddings must not love them?

I'm confused by your statement. I don't think parents paying or not paying is symbolic of the love between a parent and child. I also don't think a parent who does pay for their kids entire wedding loves their child anymore than a parent who does not. I think most parents would probably like to contribute to their kids wedding but not every persons financial situation allows for that.

I don't think I implied that parents who don't pay for these things don't love their kids. I just stated that we, personally, love our kids and want to help them off to a good start in life in any way we can. Some parents have lost jobs due to the economy and some may be disabled, or something and simply cannot do it. It takes long term planning and saving for most people to do it.

(ETA: Great post by PrincessNatalie!)

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Based on this thread, I decided to ask SO what she thought of things. Her parents are significantly better off than mine, and if the roles were reversed I know that my parents would not be paying and it would be on us as a couple. That said I/We will be paying for the rehearsal, so out of fairness, I would think we should pay for the wedding as well.

Ultimately, I guess its up to her and her family, and perhaps that is fair since the majority of the guests will be coming from her side.

Is there any sense of indebtedness on the parts of the grooms to have the brides family pay for what can ultimately end up being a very large bill? Does the brides family simply pay and be done with it and it is never brought up again? As though it were a gift to the daughter, rather than paying a bill for the future son in law?

No, there should not be any sense of indebtedness whatsoever! It is traditional here for the bride's parents to pay for the wedding (or the amount they are able and willing to contribute). So the fact that you have to pay for the rehearsal dinner has no bearing on the bride's parents paying for the wedding. We expect to be the parents of a bride in the near future, and I can assure you the thought of fairness would not enter my mind if he was paying for the rehearsal dinner instead of his parents. In fact, I would try to find a way to help with that, too, so he could concentrate on saving for the honeymoon!

 

[Dancing Fire]

[quote="diamondseeker2006

No, there should not be any sense of indebtedness whatsoever! It is traditional here for the bride's parents to pay for the wedding (or the amount they are able and willing to contribute). So the fact that you have to pay for the rehearsal dinner has no bearing on the bride's parents paying for the wedding. We expect to be the parents of a bride in the near future, and I can assure you the thought of fairness would not enter my mind if he was paying for the rehearsal dinner instead of his parents. In fact, I would try to find a way to help with that, too, so he could concentrate on saving for the honeymoon![/quote]

are you sure? b/c we have two daughters...