Long time coming?

[Cosmo_Gal]

Well you see, this guy has been a "friend" for years. I''ve known him since June of last year. This particular brand of d-bag tried to take home some trashy chick from the bar the first night i met him. I just hate the way he treats my SO. He uses him to get ahead and get whatever it is he wants, but treats him like crap in the process. Of course my SO doesn''t see it, not really anyway. He mentions it from time to time, but never seems to let it affect him. If my friend were to treat me like that she''d be to the curb. His friend is also trying to systematically get rid of me bc I take time away from him. So needless to say..his friend won''t be letting him use the phone.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Cosmo, this guy sounds like bad news, plain and simple. And if the solution was as easy as "talking it out" my guess is you would have done so already. It sounds like your boyfriend has decided that this friendship means a lot to him, even at the expense of you -- as sucky as that is.

I doubt your boyfriend is as blindsided as you think he is. Even when we don''t openly acknowledge negative things about our friends, that doesn''t mean we don''t still see them. Maybe your BF sees these characteristics, but just doesn''t care.

 

[Cosmo_Gal]

Italia, I certainly don''t think he''s blind to anything his friend is doing. Let''s call this friend Bob. He sees everything Bob does, but shrugs it off. I wish that it was that easy for me...that I could just ignore the behavior of Bob, but it''s having a serious affect on our relationship. He has been "living" with Bob since about Aug/Sep bc the friend he was living with was getting ready to move and Bob needed financial help. My SO figured that moving in with him would help him out with his 2 small children and help him through a messy divorce. The house has 3 bedrooms, however 2 are occupied by his Bob''s children, which leaves him the den. There''s no privacy at the house because he doesn''t have a bedroom where he can close the door, yet he wants me to be over there all the time. I have an apartment of my own with 2 bedrooms and plenty of space. I don''t mind going to the house from time to time bc I think it''s only fair. Being there would be a lot easier if Bob didn''t make me feel so uncomfortable all the time. Unfortunately, my SO''s friends that were in the area moved away so he is only left with Bob. I have a feeling that if he had a larger circle of friends in the area he might not spend so much time with Bob. When his other friends lived here, he rarely spent time with Bob. I don''t want him not to have friends at all, I just don''t want to be second best all the time.

 

[Squirrly]

wow. i''m surprised he has custody of the children then. normally they seem go to the mom unless there is something really really wrong with her life, which isn''t particularly fair to all the good dads out there. does he bring home girls a lot when his children are home or does he keep that life separate from them? and what''s your bf''s take on how his friend treats his kids?

i can see how he''d end up spending more time with the one person he knows after all his friends move, does your bf get along with any of your female friends'' guys?

hope you''re feeling better and everything is going well counseling wise as well as life wise!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

The way I see it, is that your boyfriend is choosing Bob over you. Esspecially since you explained their living arrangement. Why isn''t your boyfriend living comfortably with you?

Honestly, I think that you need to realize that there are so many reasons why this isn''t working for you anymore. You''re clearly feeling stressed, uncomfortable, and left out...those aren''t emotions commonly associated with a functioning, healthy relationship. You need to stop trying to make a round peg fit in a square hole.

I think when your boyfriend comes back, you need to have a heart-to-heart with him. Fill him in on everything you''re feeling...even if it means telling him that Bob makes you uncomfortable and unhappy. And also let him know that from this point forward certain things need to happen so that you can feel fulfilled, otherwise you will move on. Decide what you need from him to make it work and last...if he''s willing to give on his end, be willing to give on yours. Basically, lay it out and play it straight...you''re at a do or die point and skirting around the issue is only going to complicate it more.

 

[Winks_Elf]

Date: 6/22/2009 3:14:13 PM
Author: Cosmo_Gal
Unfortunately right now he's on a trip to AL with said unsavory character of a friend. I want to be able to talk to him about what went down, but he doesn't have a charger for his phone right now bc he forgot it.

Uh, huh...you sure about that? I'm sorry, but a man who is used to using a cellphone does not forget his charger, especially when he goes out of town. It's a way of ensuring that he doesn't HAVE to talk to anyone while he's gone.

And another thing...he lives at Bob's...why is he away with him right now instead of you? Sorry, forgive me for being cynical and suspicious, but if things are not going well with you and him, and he goes away with Bob, either Bob is trying to get the two of you broken up, or your bf wants to break up with you and is using Bob to do his dirty work.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Date: 6/23/2009 2:18:14 PM
Author: Winks_Elf

Date: 6/22/2009 3:14:13 PM
Author: Cosmo_Gal
Unfortunately right now he''s on a trip to AL with said unsavory character of a friend. I want to be able to talk to him about what went down, but he doesn''t have a charger for his phone right now bc he forgot it.

Uh, huh...you sure about that? I''m sorry, but a man who is used to using a cellphone does not forget his charger, especially when he goes out of town. It''s a way of ensuring that he doesn''t HAVE to talk to anyone while he''s gone.

And another thing...he lives at Bob''s...why is he away with him right now instead of you? Sorry, forgive me for being cynical and suspicious, but if things are not going well with you and him, and he goes away with Bob, either Bob is trying to get the two of you broken up, or your bf wants to break up with you and is using Bob to do his dirty work.

I thought the exact same thing. People who use cell phones, use them. Esspecially when traveling. What if there was an emergency? Most people cannot survive without a cell once they''ve grown used to have one. I''m sorry, but this simply isn''t adding up.

 

[Cosmo_Gal]

He just forgot his car charger for the car ride. He has the home charger, but didn''t have anywhere to plug it in at the time. We''ve actually talked a little since yesterday and we''re trying to work through things some before he gets back. Apparently last year he wanted to go on this trip to AL with Bob but opted out bc our relationship was still new and he didn''t want to be away from me. This year he decided to go bc we have a vacation planned for right after he gets back. The AL trip just wasn''t planned and came up out of nowhere. Our trip has been planned for months. I just felt like the trip to AL took away from what we had planned. Esp bc we''ll only have 1 day in between to pack and whatnot. Bob is divorced and currently single, so he isn''t as concerned with relationship stuff. He gives my SO a super hard time for not spending time with him, or helping him out with things. My SO values his friendship with Bob, so he does his best to accommodate him. He''s also a very loyal friend. On the flip side of things he''s neglecting me in the process bc things are strained right now and his focus has become less on the relationship. It''s like at one point he''s putting forth effort to save our relationship, but it never seems to correlate with when i''m putting effort forth. We need to fix our issues so he becomes more interested in being in this relationship like he used to be. To some extent I can understand him wanting to shy away bc i''m causing some of the issues and he doesn''t know how to handle it. However, running to Bob''s house every time something goes wrong just doesn''t seem like the answer.

 

[Winks_Elf]

Sounds to me like Bob is jealous as hell and resentful of you taking away his pal because you''re in a relationship with him. That''s the worst kind of jealous because they do underhanded crap.

Well, I hope it all works out for you. Again, (((((BIG HUG!)))))

 

[Cosmo_Gal]

Winks, I think you hit the nail on the head with that one. Thank you for the support. You guys are super sweet