Losing weight vs getting engaged

[bobacha]

Just talked on the phone with my long distance bf of 6.5 years (2.5 yrs in college, 4 years long distance working in different states) ... he just said that ok he will buy the ring in July but I can''t have it then .. I''ll have to earn the real engagement by losing weight first !! AARGH

ok now i dont want to make it sound like he''s such a bad guy. he''s great and I love him so much..

We already talked about getting engaged this summer since around last Christmas. We first went out to check out diamonds in stores in January. But he''s busy with grad school (parttime while working fulltime) now that he hasn''t really put too much effort in researching. Me, on the other hand think that I''ve learned so much .. (thanks PS) and feel comfortable to make a purchase now..

So finally we set up a timeline : May-choose the setting, June-choose the diamond, July-ring complete & engaged

it''s been almost a month since we last discuss this, and I just threw him a short email this morning as a reminder.. I said.. "hey hon, May is coming soon, remember what we agreed to?.... blah blah.. no more excuses !" and he called me soon after he got it and that''s how we got into this bargaining thing..

now about my weight issue... i''m not obese or anything close.. but i am about 25-30 lbs away from my "ideal" weight..and it''s been a struggle.. it seems like no matter what i do it''s so hard to drop even 1 lb.. But.. even when I met him 7 years ago, I was only about 10 lbs lighter than my weight now.. so he''s really never seen me thin... In our 2+ years together in college i gained about 20-25 lbs, and he gained almost 40 lbs!!.. . when we graduated college, i was at my heaviest ever.. and so was he. I managed to lose 10 lbs after about 2 years in the working world and been stuck at my current weight since... meanwhile he''s working out hard and is now back and has lost almost all that he gained in college .. he looks good now.. I don''t want him to lose any more weight.. dont like skinny guys :p he''s been so desparate about me losing weight... he thinks i dont try hard enough.. he kept saying if he could do it, why can''t i ? honestly, there''s a lot of truth to that.. i''m just so tired of trying, that i just stop :p .. last year i joined a gym and worked out 3-4 times a week.. but i didn''t lose any weight.. hmmm maybe 3 lbs in the whole year ?? ... these days i only go once a week..

well who wants to be overweight anyway ? of course i would love to lose 20 lbs.. i''d be ecstatic if i could even lose 5 ! it''s just soooo hard to do ! i often joke with him that if only we have our wedding date set then i could be more motivated and probably would go back to the gym more often..

but now.... he used my weight as a bargaining tool for the ring !!!

 

[Mara]

there was a thread over in BWW re: this gal who wanted her boyfriend to lose weight before the wedding...this reminds me of that in a way.

i'm not going to be the typical girl going 'omg he's evil for saying that'...because it sounds like from what you wrote he does have a point. personally, for me, i want to look my best, for myself and for my husband. he finds me attractive, which to me is important in a relationship, of course it's not all about how you look but that is a large part of it and that matters to me. i know how he is happier too when i am in shape than when i am not. plus i just feel better all around knowing i am working out, eating healthy and just being all around a better 'ME'. and i think that reflects more in my own projection of myself and leads others to view me differently too.

so i am not really sure what the purpose of your post is, to just say 'oh my god girls he wants me to lose weight, can you believe it' or if you are looking for advice or what...but i can see where he is coming from. he HAS committed himself and done it because it was important to him and he wants you to do the same. i also don't view 'weight' as one of those taboo subjects that shouldn't be discussed, i think that couples should be up front about things like this...if it is important to him then maybe it should be important to you too. not just talking about the weight thing in general but i do notice when couples share common interests or similar then they seem to be happier longer. not that they have to have all the same hobbies, but to be able to listen to your partner and respect what they are asking and look within your own heart to figure out if it's something that is reasonable. it's important for the future to be able to do that about various issues that will crop up.

anyway, i will stop rambling now, but i think you should really think about committing yourself to losing the weight as a goal before engagement. sounds like he wants for you to get where YOU really want to be and be happy about it and THEN you will have this fabulous ring and a hot bod and all will be well (such simplistic male thinking but it does have a ring of truth?).

my two cents!

 

[kimberlina13]

Double ouch! That really wasn''t fair of him, now was it? Hopefully, he wanted it to be a motivator to help you achieve the goals that you have set for yourself personally. IMHO, you shouldn''t have to EARN your engagement. You would think wanting to look fabulous, which I''m sure you will without losing any weight, in your wedding dress would be motivation enough!

 

[gailrmv]

I completely understand where you are coming from, I am also about 30 pounds above my ideal weight and have really struggled with my weight. Despite eating healthy, excersicing 6 times a week, I just can''t seem to lose it.

Anyway, I find it very offensive that your bf is tying the engagement to your losing weight. Is this because he wants to help "motivate" you? Or does he not accept you for who you are/how you look? This would be a huge red flag for me about marrying him, if it is the latter. If he is just trying to help, well, that''s not very helpful. I''ve found that nobody can motivate you to lose weight, it has to come from within, and even then that does not mean it is easy. After all I am sure that everyone would be thin if it was easy.

Good luck - I would definitely talk this over with him and figure out his motivations.

 

[Mandarine]

Hi!

To me *personally* the weight topic is a sore topic. I am not overweight, but did gain weight over college and worked hard to lose it. I never allowed anyone to tell me how *I* needed to deal with my weight issue back then. I lost about 50 pounds to get to my weight before college...and I feel great about it. It was hard, but not impossible..it took a while but now I''ve been at the same weight for over 3 years and it''s not hard anymore, it''s a way of living and you learn to enjoy it...you feel all around better.

I also don''t think he should have made a statement like that (so you have to earn your engagement) but I do appreciate that he is being honest.

My BF has told me many times how it would be an issue for him if I gained a bunch of weight. It would be an issue for me too if he gained weight....since I want to look good, feel good for ME, but also because I want him to fins me attractive. I think the same goes with him.

So I don''t think I made any sense...but, what I mean is that I don;t think he approached it correctly, but maybe he just didn''t find a better way to approach it.

It would have hurt my feelings if I was in your situation just because of how he said it...so maybe you just need to talk to him about what he said. Maybe he really just didn''t know how else to say it and this is something that truly is important for him (and I can understand that).

Good luck!!!

M~

 

[JenStone]

Date: 4/26/2006 5:22:42 PM
Author:bobacha
Just talked on the phone with my long distance bf of 6.5 years (2.5 yrs in college, 4 years long distance working in different states) ... he just said that ok he will buy the ring in July but I can''t have it then .. I''ll have to earn the real engagement by losing weight first !! AARGH

ok now i dont want to make it sound like he''s such a bad guy. he''s great and I love him so much..

We already talked about getting engaged this summer since around last Christmas. We first went out to check out diamonds in stores in January. But he''s busy with grad school (parttime while working fulltime) now that he hasn''t really put too much effort in researching. Me, on the other hand think that I''ve learned so much .. (thanks PS) and feel comfortable to make a purchase now..

So finally we set up a timeline : May-choose the setting, June-choose the diamond, July-ring complete & engaged

it''s been almost a month since we last discuss this, and I just threw him a short email this morning as a reminder.. I said.. ''hey hon, May is coming soon, remember what we agreed to?.... blah blah.. no more excuses !'' and he called me soon after he got it and that''s how we got into this bargaining thing..

now about my weight issue... i''m not obese or anything close.. but i am about 25-30 lbs away from my ''ideal'' weight..and it''s been a struggle.. it seems like no matter what i do it''s so hard to drop even 1 lb.. But.. even when I met him 7 years ago, I was only about 10 lbs lighter than my weight now.. so he''s really never seen me thin... In our 2+ years together in college i gained about 20-25 lbs, and he gained almost 40 lbs!!.. . when we graduated college, i was at my heaviest ever.. and so was he. I managed to lose 10 lbs after about 2 years in the working world and been stuck at my current weight since... meanwhile he''s working out hard and is now back and has lost almost all that he gained in college .. he looks good now.. I don''t want him to lose any more weight.. dont like skinny guys :p he''s been so desparate about me losing weight... he thinks i dont try hard enough.. he kept saying if he could do it, why can''t i ? honestly, there''s a lot of truth to that.. i''m just so tired of trying, that i just stop :p .. last year i joined a gym and worked out 3-4 times a week.. but i didn''t lose any weight.. hmmm maybe 3 lbs in the whole year ?? ... these days i only go once a week..

well who wants to be overweight anyway ? of course i would love to lose 20 lbs.. i''d be ecstatic if i could even lose 5 ! it''s just soooo hard to do ! i often joke with him that if only we have our wedding date set then i could be more motivated and probably would go back to the gym more often..

but now.... he used my weight as a bargaining tool for the ring !!!

Although I can see his point of view, does your boyfriend know that men generally have higher metabolism then women and it''s easier for them to lose weight?

I understand about the weight loss plateau. Have you tried Weight Watchers? It worked for me when I was on it last year.

Good luck!

 

[Mara]

oh and one other thing just in general...if your BF is anything like me then maybe he wants you to put your money where your mouth is and get off the ''i wanna do it'' and into the ''i''m doing it'' part of life. it''s easy be construed as giving lip-service about something especially when HE is off doing it and making it happen. this is just another perspective and maybe he wants you to really succeed at something that you obviously want quite badly (but yet not badly enough).

weight for alot of people is such a sensitive subject but i think if it stays that way it just gets even more taboo too discuss. personally, while it would hurt, i would much appreciate if my husband gave me a reality check rather than just never mentioning that i was gaining 10/20/50 lbs. sure i know it but sometimes you need a kick in the butt from a loved one. just a thought.

then again i am totally up front and frank about that stuff so there''s not too much that is ''off-limits'' for me.

 

[AmantdeChat]

Both my sister and mom joined a weight loss "club" (Metobolic Research Center) that helps people lose weight. They have both lost over 25 lbs each since December and look great! Although they have not really added any major type of exercising (which I advocate) their weight loss has been amazing.
It is not an easy road to take since it is basically a life style change but, believe me, if my sister can do it, ANYBODY can do it!

Maybe check out something like it in your area. Another one that is based on the same type of principles is called SlimForLife.


Good luck with whatever you do.

 

[Blenheim]

While I agree with Mara that it''s good to be honest, requiring you to lose weight before he propose really doesn''t sit right with me. I want to marry someone who loves me unconditionally, even if he''d prefer for me to be in shape. I feel like tying the engagement to your ability to lose weight implies otherwise. To me, it seems to hint at a certain type of disappointment in your genes, your self-control and discipline, or whatever else is keeping you from losing the weight. Just because he could lose weight doesn''t mean that it will be easy for you to. (I really hope that I''m reading too much into this.)

If he feels a need to motivate you with something or somehow reward you for losing weight, I can think of many things more appropriate than a proposal. What about a vacation? A pendant? Anything other than an engagement ring.

Also, you said that your email to him said "no more excuses." What kind of excuses has he made in the past? Is he fully ready to commit? If he doesn''t think that you can easily lose the weight, he might be erecting this as a barrier that he doesn''t think you can easily jump through.

Since you say that you do want to lose the weight, there is a daily workout thread here. Often being accountable to someone helps you get to the gym more than once a week, and they can give you encouragement when you''re feeling down on yourself.

 

[bobacha]

thx for the replies ladies..

hehe yeah, after posting this, i thought I wasn't being clear about what I'm looking for here... I guess I just want to see if anybody's in similar situation with me.. any advice would be appreciated

I believe that he just wants this to be a motivator for me. He's said before that he will marry me regardless or my weight but he just wants to see me healthy and wants me to try harder.. btw I should probably rephrase the statement.. he didn't actually say "You have to EARN it".. we don't speak English when we speak to each other.. I probably chose the wrong word when trying to translate it here.. basically he just told me what he's been telling me all along.. Exercise more, eat less, etc and he said he will give me the ring when he's seen my effort and hopefully results...

But *sigh* the thing is, I'm a little pessimistic in how much I can lose in 2 months.. I've tried so many different things.. and I'm just tired.. It's frustrating to think that my long-overdue-engagement *might* be delayed because of this now..

 

[Scooba]

I am so happy for you that you want to lose weight and I can appreciate that it may not be easy, but this has nothing to do with getting engaged, I am sorry, you have to EARN YOUR ENGAGEMENT BY LOSING WEIGHT?!?!?!? You have got to be kidding be, I am glad that all the other girls have nice things to say about this but I think this is absurd. Maybe you don''t mind him telling you you should lose weight, but that''s a different issue, nothing to do with getting engaged, I would think a little deeper about this...what would your friends and family have to say if they knew you had to earn your engagement by losing weight.

I don''t mean to be mean in the least, I don''t know you or your boyfriend or your situation, but they way you word it horrifies me. Maybe he should say if you lose weight I''ll take you on a tropical vacation so you can show off your new bod, but NOT if you lose weight I''ll marry you. I still don''t agree with that because you should lose weight because you want to without a kick in the butt from him, but atleast it would be better that basing your enagagement on it.

 

[Mandarine]

right...I think what would hurt me here is the wording. But we don''t know his intent....and by her second post I think the wording got lost in translation...but I would still approach him on why using the weight issue and engagement in the same conversation is just not the right way to approach it.

Why do some guys see an engagement ring as a "gift"?. I know, they are the ones paying for it...but it still should be looked at as a symbol. Earning your ring just doesn''t sounds right at all.

I would just talk about it. It seems like you guys have openly talked about it before...maybe he just doesn''t think you''ve been really listening to his concerns and wanted to make sure this time you did?....still wrong, but nobody is perfect.

 

[stermag]

Okay, I am going to take a huge gamble here... perhaps setting myself up for a good stoning but, I have spent a lot of time thinking about this and have come to the following conclusions:

- your self-image, how confident you are in yourself will dictate how you (not "you" or "you" but the general you) respond to this thread. In other words, if you are insecure or unhappy with yourself, you would likely see your boyfriend''s suggestion that you lose weight as mean and unfair, and you will vilify him, perhaps only to quiet your own guilt for not taking better care of yourself. If you have a healthy relationship with your body and a good self-image, you would likely see it as him simply caring about you and wanting you to be healthy.

Let''s not be victims, sulking and feeling sorry for ourselves because someone made a comment that we might benefit from losing a little weight. Sure, there are vain, shallow people out there and bad, abusive men who will prey on insecure women in desperate need of acceptance, but I gather the boyfriend in question isn''t one of those guys, is he?

I spent years fighting to be accepted by the men I dated. I reasoned that they should love me for who I am. What I failed to realize is that I didn''t even accept myself, and without self-acceptance, we cannot be accepted by anyone else.

My advice is to start busting a$$. Work up a sweat, challenge yourself. If you aren''t happy with yourself, change something. It is neither as hard nor as easy as some might tell you. For some it takes a little bit of work, for others it takes a lot of work. But whatever it takes, just do it. Underneath the body you don''t love is an amazing woman you and your boyfriend will both discover and fall in love with all over again. As you peel the layers, you will discover not only a fitter you but a stronger you, a more confident you, a more self-assured you. It is a glorious experience, and one in which the journey is truly more important than the ultimate result. You will be astonished by how much satisfaction can be gained from really committing to yourself.

Now, bobacha, you say you''ve tried various things to lose weight and despite this you haven''t lost more than a couple of pounds in a year. There can be many reasons for this and we, the women of the Daily Workout Thread, will be happy to talk to you about specifics. For now, just make the committment to yourself and take the first step... it''s the hardest.

 

[Blenheim]

Stermag, while I have a healthy self-image, I was perhaps influenced by Carolyn Hax''s column in today''s Washington Post. Different circumstances though.

 

[Scooba]

Date: 4/26/2006 6:23:01 PM
Author: stermag
Okay, I am going to take a huge gamble here... perhaps setting myself up for a good stoning but, I have spent a lot of time thinking about this and have come to the following conclusions:


- your self-image, how confident you are in yourself will dictate how you (not ''you'' or ''you'' but the general you) respond to this thread. In other words, if you are insecure or unhappy with yourself, you would likely see your boyfriend''s suggestion that you lose weight as mean and unfair, and you will vilify him, perhaps only to quiet your own guilt for not taking better care of yourself. If you have a healthy relationship with your body and a good self-image, you would likely see it as him simply caring about you and wanting you to be healthy.


Let''s not be victims, sulking and feeling sorry for ourselves because someone made a comment that we might benefit from losing a little weight. Sure, there are vain, shallow people out there and bad, abusive men who will prey on insecure women in desperate need of acceptance, but I gather the boyfriend in question isn''t one of those guys, is he?


I spent years fighting to be accepted by the men I dated. I reasoned that they should love me for who I am. What I failed to realize is that I didn''t even accept myself, and without self-acceptance, we cannot be accepted by anyone else.


My advice is to start busting a$$. Work up a sweat, challenge yourself. If you aren''t happy with yourself, change something. It is neither as hard nor as easy as some might tell you. For some it takes a little bit of work, for others it takes a lot of work. But whatever it takes, just do it. Underneath the body you don''t love is an amazing woman you and your boyfriend will both discover and fall in love with all over again. As you peel the layers, you will discover not only a fitter you but a stronger you, a more confident you, a more self-assured you. It is a glorious experience, and one in which the journey is truly more important than the ultimate result. You will be astonished by how much satisfaction can be gained from really committing to yourself.


Now, bobacha, you say you''ve tried various things to lose weight and despite this you haven''t lost more than a couple of pounds in a year. There can be many reasons for this and we, the women of the Daily Workout Thread, will be happy to talk to you about specifics. For now, just make the committment to yourself and take the first step... it''s the hardest.

I couldn''t disagree with this more, I was the one who was hardest on her boyfriend and I am super confident and have a great self image. I have never been overweight and I love the way I look, I look exactly how I want to because if i didn''t, I would change it. I agree she should change herself unless she is happy being overweight which she obviously isn''t, but why is this conversation happening in the same conversation as engagement? These are seperate issues, sorry, if he wants to ask her to lose weight and she''s cool with that, that''s fine I guess I could at least be open minded to that, but nothing to do with getting engaged!

 

[stermag]

Blen,

Great article

 

[Scooba]

Date: 4/26/2006 6:29:56 PM
Author: Blenheim
Stermag, while I have a healthy self-image, I was perhaps influenced by Carolyn Hax''s column in today''s Washington Post. Different circumstances though.

I like the part about Dave making his love "conditional" I feel like that''s what bobacha''s boyfriend is doing. My boyfriend said that if I started to get fat (not gain weight but get fat) that he would suggest that i lose weight so that he doesn''t lose he attraction to me, fair enough likewise to him I don''t want us to not be attracted to each other physically, but he''s not going to decide not to marry me!

 

[stermag]

DiamondsAreHot,

You are correct in that the engagement and the weight are a different issue. The article Blen posted illustrates very well the reason why hinging something (engagement, money, love) on one''s weight is simply a way of making love conditional and a no-no.

In my response, I subconsciously focused on Bobacha''s mention of her weight and struggle with it. In so doing I ignored, to some degree, the circumstances which brought about the topic (i.e. her boyfriend encouraging her to lose weight and using the pending engagement in an effort to "motivate" her).

I guess I feel that resolving one''s issues with oneself, be it unhappiness or insecurity, will in turn resolve other issues. As the article Blen posted suggests - the insecurity is what makes us more likely to tolerate something we would otherwise never tolerate. Focusing on herself and committing to improving her self-image, perhaps through exercise, will also give her the tools necessary to see her relationships (this one and the ones in the past) more clearly.

 

[Julian]

My Lord, I know I'm the hardest on myself when I gain a pound.
You may think us petite gals have it easy, but it's harder because if we gain even a lb -- it REALLY SHOWS. No hiding it by being graceful and tall. It shows up in my face if I'm above 105. It's nuts. I can look obese at 120 easily.

That having been said... Whenever I do gain say 3 lbs, I get really insecure about it. I just don't feel like my usual confident self. I wear tailored, form fitting clothing so if I gain even a lb, I look like a little Vienna sausage! LOL.

So I get down on myself whereas my guy doesn't seem to notice. He loves me thin or chunky. If he said I needed to lose weight it would really send me off the deep end.

But then again, that's just because I'm more sensitive about weight than most people. I wish I weren't but I am! One comment from my mother about how I'm not as stick thin as I used to be and I get rattled for days! Grrrrr...

 

[Scooba]

After considering all the issues and trying to see different points of view, I would kick onestly this guy to the curb evenafter 6.5 years. Bobacha tried to make it sound like it wasn''t so bad, that he didn''t exactly say "earn the engagement" but she said the idea of it was "Exercise more, eat less, etc and he said he will give me the ring when he''s seen my effort and hopefully results... " IMHO I think this is just disgusting nobody deserves to hear someone say that to the I don''t care if she is 200 lbs overweight, if he doesn''t want to give her that ring today after 6.5 years, then don''t give it to her, she deserves better anyway. THE WEIGHT THING HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ENGAGEMENT! Didn''t you already make alot of effort? What if he doesn''t see the effort and hopefully results? What if you gain 5 more pounds, you''re not getting engaged? Does anyone want to back me up here?


I cannot apologize more if anyone doesn''t like what I have to say it is just my opinion.

 

[bobacha]

wow you guys are pretty fast in replying

yeah we''ve openly talked about this for so long.. the weight topic was brought up in many conversations before we started talking about getting married.

about his other "excuses" before was just that we were both still young and not financially stable yet, which were both true... and these were excuses for marriage, not for an engagement. But these are not valid anymore hehe most of our friends are married now and I think financially we are ready too.. and we already talked about getting married next year (probably fall/winter 2007).. so i''m not questioning his love or willingness to marry me...

so my situation is probably different than most people here.. even the meaning of "being engaged" is different for me.. hmm I should change the title of this topic to "Losing weight vs getting my e-ring"

In our culture, the real "proposal" will be done by his parents to my parents. So even if I''m already wearing a ring now if the parents haven''t talked, it doesn''t count. His mom is planning to ask my parents for my hand in marriage this summer too... this one wouldn''t get delayed by my weight issue, only the ring is.

I just can''t wait to wear a ring on my left hand !

 

[Scooba]

Date: 4/26/2006 6:51:04 PM
Author: Julian
My Lord, I know I''m the hardest on myself when I gain a pound.

You may think us petite gals have it easy, but it''s harder because if we gain even a lb -- it REALLY SHOWS. No hiding it by being graceful and tall. It shows up in my face if I''m above 105. It''s nuts. I can look obese at 120 easily.


That having been said... Whenever I do gain say 3 lbs, I get really insecure about it. I just don''t feel like my usual confident self. I wear tailored, form fitting clothing so if I gain even a lb, I look like a little Vienna sausage! LOL.


So I get down on myself whereas my guy doesn''t seem to notice. He loves me thin or chunky. If he said I needed to lose weight it would really send me off the deep end.


But then again, that''s just because I''m more sensitive about weight than most people. I wish I weren''t but I am! One comment from my mother about how I''m not as stick thin as I used to be and I get rattled for days! Grrrrr...

I am the same way Julian, I am very weight sensitive too and I am 5''8, if for some reason my jeans don''t fit like the should I get super depressed and don''t even want to go out, my boyfriend gets so mad at me, he thinks I am ridiculous, I think I would have to gain 50 lbs before I was anything less than perfect in his eyes. I try to tell him that I am not making it up, that my jeans fit different than last week but he just gets really mad, he would love me thin or chunky anyway.

 

[bobacha]

wow guys i can''t keep up with your posts.. just during the time I''m typing a post, there are already so many more posted that I missed.

sternmag : yeah I am not happy with myself either, but at the same time it''s so hard for me to change. I haven''t checked out the Daily Workout Thread. I''ve seen that topic but never took a peek inside.. I will after this.

DiamondsareHot! : if you see my 3rd post.. actually it''s more about the ring, not the ''engagement'' that most people here know about..
well after living in the US for so long (8.5 yrs) I see an e-ring as a must now, and just between me and him, friends, coworkers, etc around us, the ring will signify our engagement. I am just so tired of people asking (I''m sure most of you are too). But the real ''engagement'' that would kick off all the preparation for the wedding doesn''t have anything to with the ring (or my weight). Our parents will take care of that.

Thanks bleinheim for the great article.. I will share it with my bf too see his opinion and reaction on this

 

[bobacha]

Date: 4/26/2006 7:02:32 PM
Author: Diamonds are Hot!

Date: 4/26/2006 6:51:04 PM

Author: Julian

My Lord, I know I'm the hardest on myself when I gain a pound.

You may think us petite gals have it easy, but it's harder because if we gain even a lb -- it REALLY SHOWS. No hiding it by being graceful and tall. It shows up in my face if I'm above 105. It's nuts. I can look obese at 120 easily.

That having been said... Whenever I do gain say 3 lbs, I get really insecure about it. I just don't feel like my usual confident self. I wear tailored, form fitting clothing so if I gain even a lb, I look like a little Vienna sausage! LOL.

So I get down on myself whereas my guy doesn't seem to notice. He loves me thin or chunky. If he said I needed to lose weight it would really send me off the deep end.

But then again, that's just because I'm more sensitive about weight than most people. I wish I weren't but I am! One comment from my mother about how I'm not as stick thin as I used to be and I get rattled for days! Grrrrr...

I am the same way Julian, I am very weight sensitive too and I am 5'8, if for some reason my jeans don't fit like the should I get super depressed and don't even want to go out, my boyfriend gets so mad at me, he thinks I am ridiculous, I think I would have to gain 50 lbs before I was anything less than perfect in his eyes. I try to tell him that I am not making it up, that my jeans fit different than last week but he just gets really mad, he would love me thin or chunky anyway.

I'm only 5'3/4 ... not even 5'1 so 20-30 lbs overweight might not look much to tall people, but it does make a a huge difference on me

 

[sleeping beauty]

Hey Bobacha:

My b/f and I kinda have the same agreement. However it was more my idea. I thought it would motivate me as well, I want to loose 30ibs to be in my ideal weight and its not going so good. I just HATE to exercise. Maybe i should retract on the deal. LOL

 

[ephemery1]

Really interesting debate... all the viewpoints expressed make sense to me on some level. Personally, I do NOT do well with being told what to do... so if my BF tried to tell me he was going to withhold engagement until I lost weight, I would be beyond angry, because it would be in HIS control. On the other hand, motivation is a powerful thing... if it were MY decision to lose weight, and I knew that making the ring a reward would help me, I can fathom asking my BF to keep it from me until I''d gotten to my goal. That said, I don''t really like the idea of associating a symbol of the love between my BF and I with something as insignificant as weight... particularly if it isn''t a health issue as much as a "looking good" one.

For what it''s worth, I am not overweight either, but sensitive about losing and gaining, as many women are. Weight is a volatile issue, particularly in American culture... and associating that with something as magical as love and engagement would really concern me.

 

[froufrou]

no one has mentioned this yet... but, if you just lose the weight in 2 months for a ring, you''re GOING to gain it back.. its not like once you lose it it will remain lost... if you have that kind of one time goal that''s silly... i think if you want to lose weight you have to start a new healthier lifestyle.

i think id be really upset if my boyfriend used my ring to motivate me to lose weight also. the ring is a symbol of your love, and has nothing to do with being a reward for anything. i understand if he wants you to be healthier now that he is getting healthier with exercising etc but that is just silly... i think only YOU can give yourself rewards for losing weight...for example, you could easily go and BUY your own diamond ring once you lost weight. but, the point to get the diamond isnt to HAVE the diamond its to be engaged. so you could easily decide for yourself to get yourself something nice when youve reached a goal, but he couldnt decide for you and especially when he is saying that the thing to motivate you is the symbol of your love. so if you try and try to lose weight and can''t do it in 2 months (its probably not healthy to lose a lot of weight very quickly), youre just going to resent him for withholding the engagement thing which is what you guys had discussed before...i mean, if you never lose the weight, is he still going to date you but never marry you? i realize you siad before the most important was the parents asking for your hand thing but it also is obviously important to you as part of the engagement to have the ring..

haha, i just told my boyfriend this story and he said she should tell him, "i can lose 120 lbs right now, we''re through!" i thought it was funny. im not saying that''s what she should do.

anyway...so my point is dont try to crash diet in the hopes to get down to your goal weight for a proposal, thats silly. i would explain that to him, say that you are going to start a healthier lifestyle but you dont think you want the ring to be the motivator here.

 

[ladykemma]

Reminds me of the boyfriend i had back in college, before i had any self esteem, who used to run me around the park like a cat with a garden hose being aimed at it.

pay attention to this - this is a red flag. not ok.

more later need to think.

 

[bobacha]

thx to all of you guys.. every single opinion makes sense

I''ll talk about this more with my guy.

 

[dani13]

I agree with some of the others, you should not have to earn your engagement by losing weight. As someone who has struggled with weight her whole life, I can totally understand your predicament. However, your FI should motivate you by other means, not telling you you need to drop a few pounds to get the ring onto your finger.

I am about 25 pounds overweight, I just finished up grad school, and when I am busy and in school and all I really find it difficult to find the time to exercise, which is horrible because the minute I stop exercising I gain. My FI is completely supporitve of me though, he never makes me feel bad about it. He just wants me to be happy, and he knows I am not right now. But seriously, I would definitely take this as a warning sign. I understand things are not all black and white, but why would you want to be with someone who is getting engaged to you only under certain conditions? Ridiculous!