Losing weight vs getting engaged

[SeaShellSummer]

As someone who had been with their bf for 6.5 years before they got engaged I would say that I think he had good intentions with the weight loss goal, but that it really is not the time to make those comments. When you get to a point in your relationship where you are waiting for other person to be ready for a period of time any stumbling blocks along the way seem like excuses.

IMO I think that you need to make the decision to lose weight a personal one, that you are doing this for yourself first, support from your sig other is really important as well but I don''t think that tying weight loss to a relationship is the right kind of motivation to take weight off and keep it off.

 

[Mara]

Date: 4/27/2006 10:27:58 AM
Author: ephemery1
Haha, PSers are a powerful force! I love how protective everyone is... but I can see how the original points in a thread can get totally lost with so many other thoughts and opinions and shared experiences.

That's totally what I got from the way the thread steamrolled as well ephemery....it's such a personal touchy subject for so many people, they automatically just go...WHAT THE HELL! And sure if I just read it and reacted with my first emotions, I'd be saying that too.

But unfortunately it's pretty hard to do what we all do best here, aka scrutinize WORDING in a post and then post our feelings of it, because she already admitted she may not be translating things right and that english does not come naturally to her...so to me I had to read beyond what she actually said to try to see what she was TRYING to say. Which is why I still think that while he's being a dumbass about it, he is well-intentioned and not a control-freak. Personally if I had a mate that was giving lip-service to losing weight for years and never did a thing...'I'd be like OKAY what is the deal here. Either put up or shut up. I don't love you any less or more if you weigh less or more. So figure it out and shut it!' But that is what I'd say about ANYTHING that someone just talked about but never did...I often tell my husband that when he complains incessantly about his job.

I'm just curious at this point to know what she is going to do. Because she already said that they are going to get married etc and the ring is just a formality (so it sounds like contingent or not she's still going to get it at some point)...so I'm wondering if she is going to try to buckle down and lose some weight or just tell him to step off and give her the ring or what.

 

[bobacha]

Wow ladies.. i was surprised to see the # of responses since yesterday

Sorry I won''t be able to address your comments one by one or acknowledge each of you by name

I had a quick talk about this with him just now over IM.. I told him that I posted a msg on PS and about the many responses I got.. his response was "When did I ever say that I would not marry you if you don''t lose weight?" and I said "well, never directly.. but by reminding to lose weight constantly and now tying it with the ring, it does make it seem like your love is conditional.." He is very annoyed that I like to quote other people''s opinions and situations and compare it to our situation. He said that all that he intended to do is for me to take care of my body better and to help myself ... He said he will definitely get the ring this summer...but we couldn''t chat longer because he had to attend a meeting...we''ll talk more about it probably tonight.

after reading various comments here ( thx for the diet/exercise regime !) I have to say that he''s really not as bad as many of you think .. but you''re right.. he''s trying to motivate me the wrong way.. because honestly I don''t feel any more motivated to lose weight.. since yesterday after he made that suggeston.. what i feel is more pressure and frustration and that''s what led me to posting on this board.

Btw.. even my parents, who live on the other side of the world, everytime they call to check on me, they always ask if I''d lost any weight !!! Because where I come from, being overweight (even only 20-30 lbs) is not pretty at all.. my parents constantly remind me to watch what i eat and to exercise more too.... But the difference with my bf is.. they''re my parents.. they will never say "lose weight or we''ll disown you" hehehe

So I will try to lose weight (again).. for MYSELF.. not for the ring.. not for him.. not for my parents.. for MYSELF!!!.. I definitely want to look good in my wedding dress & pictures .. that for the short term .. and in longer term I just want to feel better about my own body image everyday..

thx a lot for all of your replies.. I think I will just ask him to read this thread if he wants to..

 

[caribou903]

Date: 4/27/2006 12:50:25 PM
Author: Mara
I'm just curious at this point to know what she is going to do. Because she already said that they are going to get married etc and the ring is just a formality (so it sounds like contingent or not she's still going to get it at some point)...so I'm wondering if she is going to try to buckle down and lose some weight or just tell him to step off and give her the ring or what.

I'm curious too.

When I initially read the post I wasn't put off by his intentions, I was put off by the way she said that he presented it. You loose weight you get ring, if I can do it do can you. My EX would get a little pot belly in the winter time every winter, as soon as Spring came alone, he started to modify a little...not even enough that I noticed his change of eating habits and next thing I knew that little belly was gone. It annoyed me to no end because I would have to basically resort to not eating at all to loose the little weight that I gained. People do not loose weight the same and to say that one person can do it, why can't that person is wrong. Sure we could all loose weight if we watched what we ate and exercised, but we aren't going to all loose the same amount of weight at the same time. He should have been more motivating but maybe that's the motivation he felt she needed.

I'm not overweight. But I'm not happy with the way I look, however, I started exercising more for health reasons than weight reasons....simply, I want to be healthy for my family. So I walk about 45 minutes 3 days a week, 4 if I can. The distance I walk, I think is about 2 or 3 miles, not a whole lot but it works. My FI and I were talking about it and he said that if I was doing it to loose weight that wasn't going to cut it because I had to burn off as much calories as I take in and he runs about an hour a day and only burns off such and such calories. I kind of felt defeated because I was thinking 'at least I'm not sitting on my arse all night watching TV' but then he told me that if I was doing it be more healthy than I'm doing great...and he is happy to know that I'm doing it to keepy myself healthy. In the end, I felt more motivation because he was trying to help not push me to do something I wasn't ready to do.

If he said to me 'I will only give you an e-ring if you loose weight...' I'd tell him to take that ring and shove it where the sun don't shine.

 

[Mara]

Caribou you should have Leonid and Irina fix your account so that you can keep your post count and stuff!!

bobacha, good for you for deciding to be more healthy for yourself. even small changes can make a big difference in lifestyle. things i have done which i have seen a positive change...aka drinking alot more water and less sodas and juices and other things. walking 4-5 times a week about 2 miles a day or similar, it has really leaned out my bottom half alot. eating more chicken, fish, proteins and veggies, rather than breads and pastas etc. sure we still have that stuff but alot less.

anyway if your boyfriend has lost the weight, chances are you can both work on better eating habits together and it''s easier that way when you both eat the same way for sure!

caribou its funny too how guys dont seem to view walking as really working out. i burn calories and sweat when i walk but i think that greg thinks its like a leisurely stroll or something because he''s a runner and i am not. so he equates running with working out and walking is what..i don''t know...daydreaming in the park or something. but it has definitely helped me alot in the bottom half, i am much more lean and long than bulky or muscly and all that, and it''s very relaxing for me to walk a few times a week and zone out and check out the scenery and listen to music etc. so you''re doing well gal!!

 

[bobacha]

Date: 4/27/2006 12:50:25 PM
Author: Mara

That''s totally what I got from the way the thread steamrolled as well ephemery....it''s such a personal touchy subject for so many people, they automatically just go...WHAT THE HELL! And sure if I just read it and reacted with my first emotions, I''d be saying that too.

But unfortunately it''s pretty hard to do what we all do best here, aka scrutinize WORDING in a post and then post our feelings of it, because she already admitted she may not be translating things right and that english does not come naturally to her...so to me I had to read beyond what she actually said to try to see what she was TRYING to say. Which is why I still think that while he''s being a dumbass about it, he is well-intentioned and not a control-freak. Personally if I had a mate that was giving lip-service to losing weight for years and never did a thing...''I''d be like OKAY what is the deal here. Either put up or shut up. I don''t love you any less or more if you weigh less or more. So figure it out and shut it!'' But that is what I''d say about ANYTHING that someone just talked about but never did...I often tell my husband that when he complains incessantly about his job.

I''m just curious at this point to know what she is going to do. Because she already said that they are going to get married etc and the ring is just a formality (so it sounds like contingent or not she''s still going to get it at some point)...so I''m wondering if she is going to try to buckle down and lose some weight or just tell him to step off and give her the ring or what.

Yes Mara, I know I am still going to get the ring and get married next year.. the only thing he''s bargaining with me is how early I could wear it .. I really want it this summer !! i want to look engaged.. I want to be able to read bridal magazines openly and discuss my wedding plan my gfs and coworkers... I''ve been reading bridal magazine for the past year but in secret (only my bf knows about it) cus I don''t want to look crazy / obsessive since he hasn''t even proposed yet.

 

[bobacha]

Date: 4/27/2006 1:20:22 PM
Author: Mara
Caribou you should have Leonid and Irina fix your account so that you can keep your post count and stuff!!

bobacha, good for you for deciding to be more healthy for yourself. even small changes can make a big difference in lifestyle. things i have done which i have seen a positive change...aka drinking alot more water and less sodas and juices and other things. walking 4-5 times a week about 2 miles a day or similar, it has really leaned out my bottom half alot. eating more chicken, fish, proteins and veggies, rather than breads and pastas etc. sure we still have that stuff but alot less.

anyway if your boyfriend has lost the weight, chances are you can both work on better eating habits together and it''s easier that way when you both eat the same way for sure!

caribou its funny too how guys dont seem to view walking as really working out. i burn calories and sweat when i walk but i think that greg thinks its like a leisurely stroll or something because he''s a runner and i am not. so he equates running with working out and walking is what..i don''t know...daydreaming in the park or something. but it has definitely helped me alot in the bottom half, i am much more lean and long than bulky or muscly and all that, and it''s very relaxing for me to walk a few times a week and zone out and check out the scenery and listen to music etc. so you''re doing well gal!!

thx Mara..

I''ve mentioned that we''re a long distance couple.. and I do think that if only we live in the same town.. we could exercise together and eat more healthily together and it will probably be easier for me to do this..
because i live by myself .. i admit that it''s hard to get the motivation to go out and take a walk etc.. I just feel like sittingon the couch.. turn on the TV... log on to the internet ..

I visit him about once a month, and when I''m there, he sometimes asks me to jog together and ... but when I''m back here again all by myself.. I don''t have that motivation

anyways.. I know I have to try harder for myself..

 

[Spongy]

Bobocha

I know where you are coming from. I have a friends who constantly tell me to loose weight, but I feel that if I''m healthy and happy that''s fine. Sometimes, in my humble opinion, people want us to conform to society''s standard. Are you chinese by the way? I noticed your nick name, I don''t mean to be racist. Just that I''m chinese, and when I go home,people always tell me to loose weight when I have a healthy BMI and doctors say I am healthy.

If you are overweight and that has an unhealthy imapct on you, or if you yourself want to loose the weight, that is good. I feel your boyfriend is just a very frank person and perhaps he was saying it in a jest way.

Congrats on your engagement btw, I''m still waiting for mine....

 

[bobacha]

just another update about my situation

we just chatted over IM again..

He explained himself that he's only tying my weight loss with the ring because he's been hearing too much "I want a ring, when are you gonna buy a ring ? have you thought about the ring?", and all kinds of questions about the ring from me these past few months.. I didn't realize that I've probably put pressure on him too.. well i guess that's true.. i just got overexcited about getting engaged this year and have spent time researching about diamond, ring, reading PS, etc. .. while he hasn't done much.. he started reading a book about a diamond ..that's all...that's why I've kinda been nagging about it..
meanwhile all these years he's also been reminding me to exercise and watch my diet, but hasn't seen any change in me..

he reminded me that lately a lot of our conversation has been like this :

Him: "Are you going to the gym tonight?"
Me: "When are you gonna start looking for the ring?"

or

Him: "Did you work out today ?"
Me: "Well, when are we getting married? .. need a date so i can plan my regime "

he said I'm the one who started this bargaining thing with him first ... and that's what made him say what he said yesterday..
and did i really do that? yeaaaa i hate to admit but yes oftentimes when he reminded me to work out i will answer back by reminding him about the ring..

Concluding our chat, he said that from now on he will stop nagging me to exercise more.. he will stop checking with me whether I work out or not.. but can i really stay motivated if he stop reminding me ?? he's not sure about this because he hasn't seen results all these years... well i told him 'yes i can'.. all his constant reminder only add pressure to me..

so ladies, hopefully i really could do it on my own !



to spongy : yes we're chinese.. and I am overweight (slightly) according to my BMI because I am short.

 

[Spongy]

Hi Bobocha

I tend to think we girls put on a little weight during the winter months, so maybe now with spring and summer approaching, we''ll be able to loose some weight!
I''m short too so I know how you feel..and my boyfriend is tall! Doesn''t help

I guess both of us are in the same boat as Í''ve been putting some pressure on my boyfriend of 3 years!
He does tease me about my weight and calls me a sponge hence my nick name here!haha
But I don''t mind.......

I hope you''ll keep us updated

 

[DonaBella]

I am proud of you for coming clean and admitting that maybe you have been a little chatty with him about the ring. I also am extremely proud of you for committing here on PS to do more to help yourself.

Remember, you can be selfish with taking care of yourself in the manner we are all speaking of. Set yourself some goals. For each 5 lbs. lost, treat yourself to something...like a pedicure or a maybe a manicure or something else. Also, join a structured weightloss group for motivation. Or maybe one on one assistance would be better like through Jenny Craig(example only)...whatever works for you.

The key is to stay committed and invest in you! You are also making yourself #1 and that is most important. You will exude that as you become more the person you want to be...

Best of luck to you...

 

[Julian]

Awwww, bobocha...

I totally feel for you. I''m sure your bf loves you very much. Perhaps he''s just trying to make sure you''re healthy.

My guy knows I love sweets so if we''re out with friends and dessert comes around -- even though he''s full he STUFFS the cake in his mouth so fast I can''t eat any! He does that because he knows that if I eat it I''ll just beat myself up about it later. LOL.

Don''t get me wrong -- I eat a LOT. But it''s mostly veggies, fruit and etc. Sometimes, when there''s PMS I''ll binge and that''s when I gain 3 lbs. I don''t starve, but I do try to stay away from fake food & fried food.

 

[diamondfan]

i did not sense, from most of the posts, that anyone was really over the top in reacting. I think people responded based on how it hit them personally, while responding to the post. Some people clearly thought it was not a great way to motivate her, and others did not think he meant to tie the two together and just phrased it badly. Factor in the language issue and it can get confusing. I just think, as individuals, we repsond from our gut instinct. That does not mean any of us really know his rationale or if she took it the way he meant. At the end of the day, I just think we are all trying to help...and I hope it comes from the right place within her, so she feels good and incorporates the changes into a healthy lifestyle that she can maintain.

 

[hlmr]

I think that anyone who has struggled with weight issues (and I don''t mean 5-10 pounds) is going to take this more personally, and object more strongly, than those who are fit and feeling good about their bodies.

That being said, I also believe it is different for each personality how she would react to this scenario. I know for myself if I am being coerced into doing something, I become resentful whether it is in my best interests or not. For me, it would be the kiss of death to the relationship if I were in this scenario. The only one who can change me is me. Period.

He was ready to make a change and lose weight and kudos to him for doing something to make himself healthier, BUT he didn''t do it because she told him he wouldn''t receive something from her unless he did lose weight. He did it because he chose to and because he was ready to and that was reward in itself.

In my opinion is not motivational to tell your FI what you expect from them, based on what you have chosen for yourself.

 

[widget]

Well, certainly hope that bobacha''s BF statement (bribe?) was a one-time thing, made "in fun".

My Dad made statements like that all the time: offering my mother ''rewards'' for dropping a few pounds, or ''teasing'' her a bit if she put on a few...all in the interest of ''helpful'' motivation.

Amazingly my mom was able to live with it...they were married over 60 years..but I can assure you that his attitude was NOT GOOD for his daughter. I think it was his attitude and priorties that contributed a lot to the confusion and self-esteem issues I had when I was growing up.

widget

 

[bobacha]

I don''t think some of you were overreacting either. I could see the points of each one of your post. You were just expressing your personal opinion and what you''d do if you''re in my situation. And looking at how my original post was not really clear (with the language/cultural difference in it) .. I

Thank you all for the support, encouragements, and ideas ladies ! You guys are wonderful.

I''ll keep you updated with my engagment + ring story and probably my weight loss journey as well

 

[rainbowtrout]

Date: 4/27/2006 9:58:07 PM
Author: widget
Well, certainly hope that bobacha''s BF statement (bribe?) was a one-time thing, made ''in fun''.


My Dad made statements like that all the time: offering my mother ''rewards'' for dropping a few pounds, or ''teasing'' her a bit if she put on a few...all in the interest of ''helpful'' motivation.

Amazingly my mom was able to live with it...they were married over 60 years..but I can assure you that his attitude was NOT GOOD for his daughter. I think it was his attitude and priorties that contributed a lot to the confusion and self-esteem issues I had when I was growing up.


widget

I think if a man kept doing that to me, I''d be forced to denigrate his "manliness" in private. It''s only fair, what''s sauce for the gander....

Sorry about that though, sounds unpleasant.

Bobocha: It sounds like you''ve a good head on your shoulders. Keep on truckin''

 

[fisherofmengirly]

This is a *very* sensitive subject for me, as I used to be *extremely* overweight. During the course of college, I grew in a lot of ways (used to be really shy, passive, easily brought to tears, all that), and one of those ways was deciding that I was tired of being fat. I lost over a hundred pounds over those four years. Some of it crept back, and I continue to struggle to maintain what I feel is a comfortable, healthy weight for me, but I''ve not gained much. At all.

Anyway, my point in stating this is to say that I did it for me, because I knew it was time. My dad had been on me for what seemed like my entire life about it. I remember when I was only 9 or 10, he sat me down and said "no man was going to love me" as a fat person. Broke my spirit, even though that *wasn''t* his intent. Your boyfriend may have just the same intent as my father did, which was simply to express concern for my health, and for the quality of life I''d have if I didn''t lose weight.

The thing is, until *you* are ready, it doesn''t matter what anyone says to you about it. And, for that matter, even though I''m currently losing weight/maintaining weight, if I were gaining weight right now, I woud *love* for my boyfriend to offer to go on walks with me and my puppy, or to suggest more active things. Or, we could cook together. We do these things all the time, but for him more than for me. (He''s addicted to Zaxby''s. I''d never heard of the place til I met him. I''m still not much of a fan, just because I prefer healthy now. Almost always.)

And even though his weight fluctuates at times, it doesn''t, in any way, make my feelings for him fluctuate. During our relationship, he''s gained and lost, as have I. But to me, as long as we''re not obese, and we''re active and doing things, and eating healthy (mostly), everything''s good and fine. I would *never* tell him to lose weight in order to marry me, or to *earn* a token of my love from me. And I would *NEVER* accept him saying something similar to me.

Like I said, this is a super sensitive subject. I was at one time 278 pounds, and I have no doubt that if I weighed that now, Paul would love me regardless. Sure, he''d be concerned for my health, and he''d positively encourage me, but he''d not tell me I couldn''t marry him until I weighed less.

Since you don''t even make it sound like you have much to lose, I don''t think it would be a health issue, which makes me all the more upset. I work with teenagers, predominately females. *So* many of them hate their bodies, because they can''t be a size 4 or 6. *Most* people can''t be that small. I was bound and determined in college that I would be, and by my senior year, I was 140 pounds and a size 8. Guess what? It looked HORRIBLE on me, and I was passing out all the time. So much for being healthy. *My* body works best at 10 or 12. (Now, at times it can become a 14, but I try to choke down on that when I notice I''m gaining.) That''s just how it is. And I''m okay with that. And any man of mine will be, too! And he is!

Please don''t let anyone tell you you have to fit some mold that you can''t fit. Being active is fun, and maybe you and he can make a routine, or maybe you can have one of your own. A dear friend of mine at work and I work out every work day at lunch time. We go to the local junior college and to use the gym for the whole semester is only $20. It''s a sweet deal. Still, I do it because I want to, need to, and not because anyone tells me I have to, or that they won''t be around anymore.

 

[bobacha]

thanks for sharing your thoughts on this, fisherofmengirly ..and sorry if this subject upsets you ..

I agree that the decision/change has to come from myself .. and it''s useless no matter how many hundreds of times my mom or my bf or my best friend reminded me to work out or to watch what i eat.. I am so tired of it that most of times I just ignored them anyway....We have this saying in our language .. roughly translated "Goes into the left ear, gets out from the right ear"



it''s been more than a week now since I discussed this with bf and he promised never to mention this again. And he really did. He has really stopped asking completely. No more questions about whether I went to the gym today or what exercises I did today.. or whether I am going later today.. and any of these kinds of questions that he used to ask me.. And honestly it''s a little weird for me . I guess i''m just so used to hearing it everyday for the past couple of years .. and I kinda take it as a sign that he cares about me.. ..

now that he''s stopped asking.. I feel something is missing .... I know this sounds crazy.. well but I''m not going back to before.. I will have to get used to this and find motivation to exercise by myself ..

 

[Blenheim]

There''s a similar saying in English -- "in one ear and out the other."

I can understand how it would feel weird at first. One thing that has motivated me to get out of the house and go on walks lately is just looking at the workout thread. I feel like everybody else is working out but me, and I have to get on top of it! Maybe if you replace his asking with that, or if you find a workout buddy who could call you and ask if you want to go on a bike ride, it won''t feel as much like there''s something missing.

I''m sure that there are other signs that your boyfriend cares about you, and you can try to concentrate on those instead. Does he ask how your day''s been, or does he check in with you after he knows you''ve had (for example) a stressful meeting or presentation to see how you''re doing?

 

[partgypsy]

Bobacha, you sound like a lovely and loveable person, regardless of what your weight is. If you do want to exercise, eat better, definitely do it for yourself, there is no better reason. For me exercise not only makes me feel better it gives me more self confidence, makes me sit up straighter. I think sometimes people focus too much on the pounds, not on the other positive benefits of exercise and eating well.

Oh and walking is definitely exercise! That''s the main thing I do. When I gave birth to my first child the doctor commented how well I had gotten through it and asked if I was a runner. I said "no, but I walk."

 

[Browneyedgal]

Fisherofmengirly - Hi, I had a very similar experience and lost over a hundres pounds and it is really something that you can only do for yourself.

I think the thing that would concern me is what happens if you gain weight over this marriage? From what you''ve said I don''t think you''ve got anything to worry about bobacha, he sounds like he loves you lots and this marriage is in no way dependant on you losing weight. But I know that is what would bother me. I guess if you''ve had a weight issue you are going to react badly to this type of thing, even when it is well intentioned.

 

[diamondfan]

Date: 4/28/2006 11:42:20 AM
Author: bobacha
I don''t think some of you were overreacting either. I could see the points of each one of your post. You were just expressing your personal opinion and what you''d do if you''re in my situation. And looking at how my original post was not really clear (with the language/cultural difference in it) .. I

Thank you all for the support, encouragements, and ideas ladies ! You guys are wonderful.

I''ll keep you updated with my engagment + ring story and probably my weight loss journey as well

Thanks! I think you have all the tools to do what YOU want and need to. I do know some people LIKE boyfriend or SO to "encourage) (i.e. nag, discuss, whatever) and that it helps them. I went to a nutrionist the first time I gave birth and had a lot to lose because I KNEW she would be watching and asking me stuff and weighing me...it worked for me at a time I had trouble getting started. But, everyone is different about what EXTERNAL factors motivate them, and at the end of the day, it must come from within to work for the long term! Good luck and keep us informed...

 

[galeteia]

I don't mean to sound racially insensitive, but I live in an area with a high Chinese population. One of my best friends is Chinese, and my ex is Chinese. I've noticed from their stories that weigh pressure seems to be WAY higher in their culture, and they make no bones about it.

My chinese friend is the tiniest thing you've ever seen. She runs marathons, and works out every day. Before she started lifting weights, she'd tell me stories about how the first thing out of her relative's faces when they'd visit was about how she needed to lose weight. I'd look at her, with her tiny birdlike arms and flat behind (Sorry, sweets, I luv ya!) and say "WHAAA? What weight?! Your hair weighs more than you do!!"

Now they tell her she is too butch, and needs to lose mucle so she can look more dainty and attract a good man. I know they mean well, but I just want to *WHAM! SLAP! BEAT! THUMP! POW!* etc, etc. them.

My ex's sister is no stick, and has as much fat on her as your average 14 year old highschool vixen. (You know the type-- kilts worn all rolled up and shirts tied in the front) Which is to say she looks great -- for a white person, apparently

Thank goodness her Fiance is white. Anyway, when her mother visits her, she painfully pinches the skin around her waist and begs her to go to the gym "one time, just once, work that fat off" and pinches her underarms to make his sister aware of her 'fat'.

Not only that, but my ex told me the story of when his sister's highschool chum saw their stepfather again for the first time in years. The first thing that came out of his face wasn't "Hi jane, nice to see you!" It was "Jane, you so fat! How you get so fat?!"

Every time that I see my friend's mom, she always comments on how I should eat more tofu (I'm allergic to it THANKS) beause it will help with my skin and help me lose weight. I like her mom, but 5 seconds into our visits I go from happy and content to feeling like a walrus with acne.

A girl in my department told me that after a term of University, she went back home to Vancouver and her mother thought she was pregnant because she'd gained so much weight! She laughed it off as "That's Chinese culture" but I was still horrified on her behalf. She looks amazing, and has men panting after her all the time.

As much as our Western culture is obsessed with being thin, I think Asian culture puts even MORE pressure on its girls to be thin. Not only that, but with the influence of the West, now they are expected to have some serious weight-- up top, and nowhere else.

Also, I've noticed that the white guys I know look at magazine models and make horrified noises. They prefer their women a bit more substantial.

 

[bee*]

I also need to lose weight as I am not happy with myself the way I am at the moment. I would like to lose about 40-50 lbs before we get engaged however that is something that I have set for myself. My boyfriend would never mention my weight to me and still says that Im sexy etc at my current weight but its hard to believe it when you dont feel it

. You will only be able to lose it when the time is right for you-Ive been trying to diet for months on end but motivation finally hit me on Monday and I have been working out and eating healthily and its been no problem. You will lose the weight but don''t have anyone pressure you to do it,ring or no ring. When you commit to each other, you have to accept each others faults, whether that be weight gain or some other things. I personally dont think that it bodes well if he is pressurising you about your weight before you are engaged.
That said, now that you have spoken to him about it, I hope that he supports you in different ways like going for walks with you etc. Good luck with it and lets hope that we are both lighter in a couple of months!

 

[mia15]

Bobocha,

I was so distressed when I read the original post - I''m glad your boyfriend is no longer reminding you about your weight loss goals every day.

All I want to say is, please please consider, even if you never lose the 20 or so pounds, you will still look absolutely fantastic on your wedding day if you''re happy and you''re in love.

Also, your boyfriend should love you at your current weight, exactly as you are.

We can all improve in some way but we can''t induced to do so as a reward for anything.
When you choose your boyfriend to spend the rest of your life with, it''s an honor and a privilege. He should be delighted to have you wear the ring which symbolises this as soon as you''re willing to, not the thinner you, but the you he''s chosen to be with for the 6.5 years.

 

[monarch64]

I read an article today that stated that losing weight successfully is comparable to marriage. It''s a committment that you make for the rest of your life, not just something you do as a short term thing. It made so much sense to me, even though I''ve been married now for a few years. The idea that weight loss requires you to work hard every day towards a goal, accomplish that goal, and then maintain it could really apply to the everyday trials and tribulations of getting engaged and being married. Both require hard work and committment, not only in the beginning stages but for the rest of your life...and both may cause you to feel burnt out, or feel like giving up at times. In the end, though, if you stick to your goals, the end result (in the article) was that you would have a much happier, more fulfilled feeling in the end knowing you stuck to your guns and never gave up. I will try to find that article (I think it was emailed to me) and post it here or on the Daily Workout Thread so you all can see it. It was tremendously helpful to me today!

 

[monarch64]

http://www.ediets.com/news/article.cfm?&cmi=2004437

well, here is the link, anyway. Courtesy of ediets.com. Hope this helps someone!

 

[tracys126]

Hello,

I didn't read the whole thread, just your comment. But I would have to say that the condition he has placed on you is, well, just that -- a condition. Love should be unconditional and I feel he should find another way to supportively motivate you.

I also think this condition takes all of the romance out of an engagement (which is a very delicate and important event for most women). I am sorry you have to "work" to earn the ring.

Good luck sweety. I bet you are beautiful just the way you are. I am thin and still feel pressure to lose 10 pounds. Damn those Victoria Secrets models and celebrity magazines !

Good luck. You deserve unconditional love

 

[lilmaria]

Alot of what I believe has already been posted. I am pettite too, at 5''2. I weigh 114 but want to be at 107, my weight at h.s. graduation w/toned muscles and no jello. I WAS very LAZY, would rather watch tv than go for a walk, would rather sleep than watch tv, but it changed when we got engaged. We are still contemplating a destination wedding and I cant see myself happy on the beach w/friends and family w some jiggle to my thighs. So after we got engaged, I joined a gym. Its only been about two weeks, but I am happy that I did, I feel better about myself and have a goal to work towards - weddding/honeymoon best body of my life ever. Perhaps setting a goal would help. I agree w/alot of the ladies, if you aren''t comfortable with your weight you should do something about it w/out making excuses, however it isnt fair that he put a caveat on the ering. he may think hes helping, but we know he''s not.

my fiance laughs at me when i get home from the gym and ask if he notices a difference, b/c i do but it could be mental. you need to do what makes your heart happy. from my experience, its easier to work out when there is an attainable goal and when you are the initiator. good luck and keep us updated!