Losing weight vs getting engaged

[Rhapsody]

This seems like the wrong way to try and motivate you to lose the weight

I''m trying to lose 50 pounds

and my boyfriend does his best to be supportive, but he''s also good about not being mean about things if I do get off track. To help me out he promised to take me shopping and buy me a whole new wardrobe when I reach my goal

Thats something to look forward to!

 

[glitterata]

It can be frustrating watching someone struggle with something like weight, which is somewhat but not completely in our control. Maybe the boyfriend in question is trying to help. If so, I don''t think it''s a particularly helpful way of helping, but I can understand the impulse.

On the other hand, if he finds bobacha''s body distasteful at her present weight and that''s why he''s suggesting this "deal" to make her to lose weight, that bodes ill for their future together. If she''s been trying for years without much success to take off those pounds, chances are even if she gets them off now, they''ll come back at some point later on. What will he do then? Divorce her? Let her know he finds her unattractive?

In my teens and early 20s, I was plump. Then I lost a bunch of weight in my mid 20s. One of the men I dated liked that I was thin. He was always making comments about women being "big." It made me uncomfortable, because I knew I had been and might again be "bigger" than he''d like.

In my 30s, I started dating the man I ended up marrying. I was quite slender when we started going out, and he later told me that he thought I was almost too thin for his taste at the time. His feminine ideal is a bit more substantial than that. Well, the years went by and I gained some weight. These days I''m not obese, but I''m often somewhat overweight. Every so often I take a look at myself, how my clothes fit, how healthy I feel, and decide I need to lose some weight. My husband is always supportive when that happens, including not keeping fattening food around, keeping me company in eating more healthily, and encouraging me to exercise, and so on, but he also always says, "I love your body. You''re so sexy. Losing weight is great if it makes you feel better, but you certainly don''t have to do it for me."

I feel so lucky to have found someone who actually likes the way I actually look, not the way I might look if I had different habits & metabolism.

 

[jaz464]

Why is he treating the ring like some kind of carrot dangling over your head? It sounds to me like he knows he has you hooked (you will say yes when he proposes) and because you sound so anxious for your ring, he is using it as a way to get you to do what he wants. Don't be so easy! Let him guess a little! Maybe he should wonder whether you will say yes. Maybe YOU should ask him to do something to earn you, not the other way around. If my fiance even suggested I earn my e-ring, I would have told him to keep it and walked!

What's next, if you stay slim, I won't divorce you?!

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 4/26/2006 5:53:24 PM
Author: Mara

weight for alot of people is such a sensitive subject but i think if it stays that way it just gets even more taboo too discuss. personally, while it would hurt, i would much appreciate if my husband gave me a reality check rather than just never mentioning that i was gaining 10/20/50 lbs. sure i know it but sometimes you need a kick in the butt from a loved one. just a thought.

Gotta disagree on this one, gal.

I''m all for giving each other a kick in the butt when needed, but making one''s love conditional on it takes it to another level that I can''t get behind.

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 4/26/2006 6:45:35 PM
Author: stermag

I guess I feel that resolving one''s issues with oneself, be it unhappiness or insecurity, will in turn resolve other issues.

To a point, yes, perhaps. But for those who struggle with being overweight or being shy.....or any other elements about themselves that they would like to improve.......the impetus or will has to come from within.

Further, I have to say that even if I were to conquer something I''d like to improve about myself, that wouldn''t make it OK for my s/o to make his love conditional on doing so.

When you marry someone, you marry him or her with the full knowledge that you will both change and adapt over time. That means emotionally, physically, spiritually, and every other way. To me, it''s unreasonable and unacceptable to take ANY of those potential changes and make them deal-breakers for one''s continued love and commitment.

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 4/26/2006 9:47:32 PM
Author: froufrou


haha, i just told my boyfriend this story and he said she should tell him, ''i can lose 120 lbs right now, we''re through!'' i thought it was funny.

LOVE it, Frou. Perfect response. Your BF has a lot on the ball.

 

[Kaleigh]

Getting engaged shouldn''t have to be tied in with you loosing weight. How would you share the engagement news, hey I got the ring because I lost 20 pounds. Nah, wrong way to motivate you and not a happy memory of the engagement. I think he''s trying to motivate you. You want to loose weight, great. You want to look good for yourself, and for him. But associating your weight loss to getting engaged is just wrong. Just my take on it. Good luck. I''m sure he''s a great guy, just going about this in the wrong way.

 

[longtimelurker]

Date: 4/26/2006 5:22:42 PM
Author:bobacha
.. I'll have to earn the real engagement by losing weight first !! AARGH

but now.... he used my weight as a bargaining tool for the ring !!!

You need to lose weight for yourself if & when you're ready.

If he can't love & accept you unconditionally & support you--and make you feel good about yourself now, what about in 10-15 years after you've had a couple of babies & everything sags??? What if you have a medical condition that leads to a weight gain?

IMHO you need to get him to stop this now, and truely understand why it's not acceptable.

 

[diamondfan]

I think we all want unconditional love. But, honestly, we want to feel attraction to our so! Maybe he was trying, in a misguided way, to get you motivated to lose the weight you have been wanting to lose. (I am right there with you...at 40, even though it has always been easy for me to lose baby weight, it has become one with me since last year when I could not exercise due to back issues.) It would be bad to me if you did not want to lose it for whatever reason and he pushed you to. I think this is sticky because:

You want him to love you for the inner you as well
You do want to lose it too, but this may pressure you rather than motivate you
You might resent him for making you feel there were conditions on the engagement
What would his reaction be if you gain weight for some reason during the marriage?

I am not sure if I might not be torn because while I would want and intend to lose weight, I would also know it was not from lack of trying for the most part and I might feel panicked about it.

I know a girl who had in her prenup that if she gain more than 3-5 pounds he could stop relations with her and leave her if she did not lose it in a timely way. AND SHE SIGNED IT! Sad...

 

[Mara]

honestly i feel like there's alot of emotion in this thread from outraged women. not to offend anyone, since i'm a woman too.

but the vibe i got from bobacha's post was NOT that he was trying to be an ass or wouldn't love her if she stayed this weight or whatever or that their love or marriage was 'contingent' upon her losing weight nor that his love was conditional on losing weight or anything like that.

what i did read was that she talks about wanting to do it, has not really been motivated, that she gives up...that he managed to do it and wants her to do it too.

i can totally see from his perspective how he may be thinking this is what it will take for her to jump start her goal.

i also read where she said that english is not her first language and that he never said 'you have to earn it' and that he just wants to motivate her. but it didn't seem to make a difference, the PS train was off and running with the bad boyfriend tied firmly to the back.

she also said that he said that marrying her is not contingent on her losing weight.

anyway yes if he is going to require her to lose weight before getting engaged or marrying her because he thinks she should be better (but she didn't agree) then that's wrong. because yes, doing something like weight loss has to come from within that person...no one else can force it. but if he is trying in his own dorky man way to help her achieve what he thinks SHE wants....well then i feel like the guy's heart is in the right place at least even if his methods are a little wacky.

bobacha, so what are you going to do?

 

[diamondfan]

Date: 4/26/2006 11:49:33 PM
Author: aljdewey

Date: 4/26/2006 9:47:32 PM
Author: froufrou


haha, i just told my boyfriend this story and he said she should tell him, ''i can lose 120 lbs right now, we''re through!'' i thought it was funny.

LOVE it, Frou. Perfect response. Your BF has a lot on the ball.

I love that!!! I was just playing devil''s advocate as to how it might come across. For me, I would crawl across broken glass to get a diamond, and since I always like looking good (and hate that I am a bit rounder right now, working on but it is SLOW going) I think he is just, in a guy way, not putting it in the most palatable terms. I do think it is real to think, even though things change as age, that feeling attracted to your spouse is an important thing in keeping a marriage lively. But, I just think he might have handled it a bit better...maybe, I will get you a whole new wardrobe if you achieve your weight loss goals...leave the engagement ring off the table! just my .02...

 

[decodelighted]

I wrote a whole long response to this thread but it vanished ... then I read about the cultural differences ... and now my post seems kinda pointless. But my first thought was this ..

If you make "engagement" or getting an engagemnet ring contingent on weight loss WHY STOP THERE? Why not get a pre-nup that carries emotional or monentary fines for each pound regained after the wedding? Maybe a clause that he gets to cheat if you stop working out? Instead of a wedding ring, maybe wear a chain around your middle that cuts into you if you "plump back up".

I''ve actually heard of these kind of scenarios - for real. And it''s always made me wonder, who are these gals that put up w/it? Runs completely counter to the whole "for better or worse" deal.

They say if you marry for money you earn every penny. Seems to me that if you have to "earn" your engagement ring ... there''s a lifetime of one-sided "work" ahead & no way to ever "earn" thet kind of love & respect you should ideally be given (freely & with gusto).

 

[diamond_quester]

Date: 4/26/2006 7:15:48 PM
Author: bobacha
actually it's more about the ring, not the 'engagement' that most people here know about..

well after living in the US for so long (8.5 yrs) I see an e-ring as a must now, and just between me and him, friends, coworkers, etc around us, the ring will signify our engagement. I am just so tired of people asking (I'm sure most of you are too). But the real 'engagement' that would kick off all the preparation for the wedding doesn't have anything to with the ring (or my weight). Our parents will take care of that.

On first glance this bribe seems well-intended but insensitive. Kaleigh said it perfectly. Then it started make sense... You already know you're getting married and the ring isn't going to symbolize your engagement to your families, so it doesn't have as much sentiment attached. (At least not to your bf). And, it's so hard to lose weight that major incentive is needed. What could be a bigger reward than a beautiful diamond ring? Important thing is that the two of you attach the same symbolism to the ring.

Still, appropriateness of this bargain aside, this doesn't sound like effective motivation. I think getting the ring and preparing for the wedding would be MUCH better motivation than waiting on the ring and building resentment.

In any case, hope you and your bf work it out.

 

[diamondfan]

Deco, I posted about a girl I knew who actually signed a pre nup that had among them, weight control 3 to 5 pounds and he could give her the boot and give her nothing, they had to have sex a certain number of times per week at his chosing...also, if they had kids and broke up she had to agree to relinquish all rights, and that if they divorced she could not use his name but had to go back to her maiden name. She was a beautiful girl, from another country and he was American. All her friends told her not to sign, he did not want to even let her take it to a lawyer to look it over...(what would a lawyer say? it was so vile...) she signed it because she loved him, married him and then found out he and the family had lost all their money...he made her work while he sat at home, even after two kids, does not help her and she is unhappy but feels trapped. Her parents tell her to stay, it is shameful in their country for her to divorce, and she would lose her kids...I would hope a judge would overturn it if it ever happened to end up in court, but I doubt she would have the courage to actually leave. Not to say that this guy is like that AT ALL since I do not know him clearly, but I hope she can discern that he is trying to be a help and not setting up a precedent. Like I said, the motivation of a new wardrobe might make more sense to help her reach her goal!

 

[Mara]

hehe the motivator for me to lose some weight was the thought of being photographed in a wedding dress and then seeing those pictures in everyone''s houses for the next 50 years!!! forget the e-ring! that was just the ''catalyst'' to change.

anyway...i just really feel like this guy is not being an ass as much as he is trying to help but going about it the wrong way.

 

[diamond_quester]

Date: 4/27/2006 2:20:16 AM
Author: Mara
hehe the motivator for me to lose some weight was the thought of being photographed in a wedding dress and then seeing those pictures in everyone's houses for the next 50 years!!! forget the e-ring! that was just the 'catalyst' to change.

Ack! That works...

 

[DonaBella]

I personally just wish that the BF in question could see how this has effected so many different people to comment on this rather sensitive issue...

Coercion is never a positive motivator. Losing weight has to be interpersonal to be successful. I know and my husband knows that I will always be harder on myself than ANYONE else will be. I live in this body and have to face myself everyday in the mirror. I know what I should be doing and what I actually am doing or have done. No one else.

For any amount of success, there has to be more than dangling some bling at the end of it. How about feeling so great about yourself that basically you''re oblivious to what others may or may not think? Hmm? I used to be so overly concerned with what others thought of my weight even when i was lighter than now, but that was then. I care more now for ME.

I know for me I feel more alive, in touch with my sensuality and more confident as I have toned and lost excess weight. Regardless of what a scale says, my clothes talk to me. This holds true with each and every woman.

In the end, you have to decide what you are willing to invest in for yourself. The rest will follow. I hold true to that...

After trying practically every diet regime out there and going after as many gym classes as I can, I know it takes cold, hard, consistent, focused work to achieve a healthier, leaner body...not just for a wedding or any other special event, but for improved living.

I don''t know...I don''t take well to someone setting a time limit for me to lose weight so I can be worthy of it. Even if that is self-imposed, it is highly determintal to one''s self-esteem. I prefer to set small, manageable goals to be successful towards a greater goal....

Just my thoughts on this issue...and whether its NEVER acceptable under any terms--short of a doctor telling you and directing you--to rush weight loss. To be successful long term, it takes planning, time and patience, yes, but more than that it takes desire...not coercion.

Sorry...didn''t mean to ramble but this is a hot issue that affects so many women. I see it in my daughters and have had to temper them in their quest for slimmer, healthier bodies so its so personal to me...

 

[Kaleigh]

That is sooo true about the wedding photo's. We are going on 20 years, but still ALL of the relatives have them out on display. I thank my lucky stars I didn't pick a typical 80's gown.

 

[blodthecat]

Hi there!

The ''body'' has no meaning in itself. It merely accomodates the soul.

If your weight is not endangering your health, I think the weight issue should be taken out of the conversation. You will make any changes to you body, when you want to. Losing weight has never improved a relationship!

My husband has gained weight since we have been married, but he is still the sexiest guy on the planet (to me) and I love him more ever day.

Sending you my best wishes

 

[Lorelei]

I can only add what I do know about, and that is how I finally dumped the excess pounds FOREVER after years of struggling and hope that maybe sharing this with you might help. Please don't take this the wrong way, but trying to motivate me with an e-ring wouldn't work, as when I made a promise to love and cherish my Husband that included loving him regardless of what he weighed and I would expect the same from him. Maybe your BF is just trying to carrot dangle as a motivator but could you maybe talk to him and tell him that you would rather your e-ring be given unconditionally without any weight or other conditions? He might not realize what he is doing is innappropriate ( in my opinion anyway) and that supporting you in other ways with the weight might be a better approach. I can appreciate that losing weight is a good thing if you are overweight from a health and self esteem point of view and he is right to encourage you to do it, but an e-ring shouldn't have to be earned, it should be a gift of love given by a man to the woman he loves, if he wants to spend the rest of his life with you, you have already " earned " it if you want to put it that way. I think take the ring out of the whole weight equation and tell him you are uncomfortable with this and it isn't right ( just my opinion) and emark on a plan which works for you without too many limits of time etc and make this plan part of your life and workouts etc. The weight will come off, the key is PATIENCE ( I ought to know!)

I would carry maybe 10 or 20 pounds over what I should and would fluctuate between overweight and thin, bingeing and starving and trying to be perfect - hopping on and off the scales etc and basically letting it rule my life. Once I realized that I wasn't meant to be perfect and that weight management would have to be for life - I finally got it! I live a very active lifestyle, but I obviously don't burn up calories as fast as some, I accepted that and that it would need a long term approach and eating plan that worked for me and allowed me to live in the meantime. If we are out and I want a huge icecream with all the trimmings, I have it - but not often! I try to eat right and not let myself get too hungry, this doesn't work. I try to eat when I am hungry and avoid the wrong foods. If we are out and Hubby wants BK for example, I might have a salad and a vegeburger, not the fries too, or if I have already eaten just a soda. As Deanna says it is an investment in yourself and no food tastes as good as a smaller size in jeans feels!

I know my Hubby thinks I am gorgeous whatever I weigh, but I know he is extremely proud of a smaller toned me and the compliments he gets on how nice his wife looks. I like this too and finally feel worthy of it! I could go into some deep dark recesses here of my past to explain how being overweight = unworthiness and thin = acceptable was such a problem for me but I won't - suffice to say it took me a long time to overcome this mindset, but I digress and this isn't helping to answer the original question!
You can do this and your health will benefit as well as many other areas of your life, but you have to want to do it FOR YOU!!! I also threw away the scales and broke the soul destroying cycle of hopping on and off and being devastated or elated according to what way the needle swung. I now rely on how my clothes feel which works far better for me. I really wish you every success with your engagement and dietary goals, if you choose to do it FOR YOU, you can and I wish you the best of luck

 

[Mannequin]

I don''t have a lot to add in terms of advice after reading through this thread, as the many Ladies above me have done a fantastic job of expressing exactly the same way I feel about having your engagement hinge on weight loss. Your body management/improvement *can* draw motivation from material things, but should come *mostly* from your inner desire to make positive change for the sake of change/being healthy/etc.

On weight loss though, if I am making a serious commitment to lose and not just working on eating better and moving more, I draw up a SMART plan for myself. This is so important for me, because it''s like signing a contract with myself to be healthy. This helps me stay on track and focused on the end goal. I found this online a few years ago and pull the template out and use it once in a while.

SMART is an acronym:
S = Simple
M = Manageable
A = Action-based
R = Realistic
T = Time-bound

I post this plan somewhere where I will see it frequently, usually in more than one place, and I carry a copy with me at all times. Having my entire list of all my goals, strengths and weaknesses with me everywhere lets me sneak peeks at it if I am eating out or if I am feeling tempted to have something that may not help me reach my goals. I can also see the mini-rewards I have listed for myself to see what I am working towards. I will post a copy of one of my old plans here, please feel free to copy and adjust.

Goal:
I am ___ pounds by mm/dd/yyyy.
I am ___ pounds by mm/dd/yyyy.
I am ___ pounds by mm/dd/yyyy.
I am ___ pounds by mm/dd/yyyy.
How to reach goal:
I exercise at least 3x week.
I drink at least 6 glasses of water a day.
I eat at least 3 daily servings of fruits and vegetables.
I control my portions.
I take a multivitamin.
S.M.A.R.T Actions (Simple, Measurable, Action, Realistic, Time Bound):
I exercise at least 3 times a week for 30 minutes or more in June and July.
I exercise at least 3 times a week for 40 minutes or more in July and August.
I drink at least 6 glasses of water a day.
I eat up to 3 servings of fruits and vegetables.
I take a multivitamin at least 5 out of 7 days a week.
I wear a pedometer and keep track of my steps, aiming for 10,000 per day.
Visual S.M.A.R.T Goals:
I am smiling and proud as I complete each of my workouts this week.
I am smiling and proud as I finish each glass of water I drink.
I am smiling and proud as I finish my 3rd serving of fruits and vegetables for the day.
List ''why'' you want to achieve this goal:
Increased fitness level for riding my horse
Increased self-esteem
Wear smaller sizes
Feel healthier and more beautiful
Surprise boyfriend

Identify exactly your specific strengths, weaknesses, and opportunities:

Strengths:
My desire to lose weight
Support of loved ones
Knowing that I have lost weight before - knowing that I CAN do it
Living alone with no extra influences on my decisions/actions
Weaknesses:
Eating out of boredom
Social eating
Self-doubt
Free snacks from coworkers
Opportunities:
Going to local gym/school gym
Using treadmill/ bike/ videos at home
Doing barn chores
Horseback riding
Exercise done on the job
Walking more every day
Parking further from work/stores
Packing lunch from home
List everything that could possibly prevent you from achieving this goal:
Being LAZY
Giving in to impulsive eating
Buying lunches instead of bringing them from home
Making poor meal choices when eating out
Sugary treats from teachers'' lounge/store
Poorly managing time
To help myself reach this goal, I will:
Evaluate my progress weekly on Sundays
Find a buddy (in person or online) to encourage and motivate me
Join or visit a local gym
Drink a glass of water before I snack or eat
Eat my meals in a seat at the kitchen table, not on the go
Eat slowly, chewing each bite carefully
Stop when I am full
Eat only when I am truly hungry
Treat myself to small non-food rewards as I go, i.e. getting nails done, set aside time for scrap booking/ greeting card making/ writing, spending time online, etc.

 

[blodthecat]

wow equestrienne!

That is one serious regime you''ve got going on there!

There is something to be said for being comfortable in the skin you are in right now. Don''t put anything on hold, because you are trying to loose weight. That''s crazy, and life is too short.

People who are self confident, self assured and have a sense of fun are the MOST attractive people. They know who they are and are good to be with.

Sure...we all look at good looking people, but when it comes to a relationship, looks are superficial and we all looking for something a bit deeper than that!

 

[Mannequin]

Date: 4/27/2006 9:20:02 AM
Author: blodthecat
wow equestrienne!

That is one serious regime you''ve got going on there!

There is something to be said for being comfortable in the skin you are in right now. Don''t put anything on hold, because you are trying to loose weight. That''s crazy, and life is too short.

People who are self confident, self assured and have a sense of fun are the MOST attractive people. They know who they are and are good to be with.

Sure...we all look at good looking people, but when it comes to a relationship, looks are superficial and we all looking for something a bit deeper than that!

blod- I''m a Taurus, we like routines and carefully planned outcomes.

The SMART plan is the only thing I have found that really helps me analyze in writing the hows and whys of weight loss for me. It''s really less complicated to follow than it looks because it''s really all common sense stuff that I need as a refresher. I only use it when I am getting way past the point when a few salads and some extra walking will help my pants fit better.

 

[Mannequin]

Date: 4/27/2006 9:32:46 AM
Author: Virginia

Date: 4/27/2006 1:40:01 AM
Author: Mara
honestly i feel like there's alot of emotion in this thread from outraged women. not to offend anyone, since i'm a woman too.

but the vibe i got from bobacha's post was NOT that he was trying to be an ass or wouldn't love her if she stayed this weight or whatever or that their love or marriage was 'contingent' upon her losing weight nor that his love was conditional on losing weight or anything like that.

what i did read was that she talks about wanting to do it, has not really been motivated, that she gives up...that he managed to do it and wants her to do it too.

i can totally see from his perspective how he may be thinking this is what it will take for her to jump start her goal.

i also read where she said that english is not her first language and that he never said 'you have to earn it' and that he just wants to motivate her. but it didn't seem to make a difference, the PS train was off and running with the bad boyfriend tied firmly to the back.

she also said that he said that marrying her is not contingent on her losing weight.

anyway yes if he is going to require her to lose weight before getting engaged or marrying her because he thinks she should be better (but she didn't agree) then that's wrong. because yes, doing something like weight loss has to come from within that person...no one else can force it. but if he is trying in his own dorky man way to help her achieve what he thinks SHE wants....well then i feel like the guy's heart is in the right place at least even if his methods are a little wacky.

bobacha, so what are you going to do?

Thanks Mara! I think people are missing this point!!

Well said. I must have missed this in the first read through...

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 4/27/2006 9:32:46 AM
Author: Virginia

Date: 4/27/2006 1:40:01 AM
Author: Mara

i also read where she said that english is not her first language and that he never said 'you have to earn it' and that he just wants to motivate her. but it didn't seem to make a difference, the PS train was off and running with the bad boyfriend tied firmly to the back.

Thanks Mara! I think people are missing this point!!

Honestly, I'm not missing any point, nor am I riding any "PS train".

Yes, I did she that she mentioned English isn't her first language. I did also see that he didn't actually say "you have to earn it."

What I ALSO saw (which many seemed to miss) is this:

"He said he will give me the ring when he's seen my effort and hopefully results.." Sorry, ladies, but that IS a contingency......'when you do this, I will give you this.' To me, that is patently the same thing as having to earn it.

I also saw this: "he's been so desparate about me losing weight... he thinks i dont try hard enough.. he kept saying if he could do it, why can't i?"

Motivating someone is the act of inspiring him/her, not pressuring her. Does she sound inspired to you? Because she doesn't sound inspired to me; she sounds discouraged. Not only does that not help her reach her goal, it actually detracts from it.

Comparing his efforts/results to hers isn't motivating either, by the way. If he wants to motivate her, he should simply stick to "I know you can do it!"

I'm sure he is well-intentioned, which is why I didn't say he was an ass/bad boyfriend/should be burned at the stake or anything else. I said that I personally believe that he's going about it the wrong way, and that the method he's choosing not only isn't motivating, it's exactly the opposite.

 

[ephemery1]

Haha, PSers are a powerful force! I love how protective everyone is... but I can see how the original points in a thread can get totally lost with so many other thoughts and opinions and shared experiences.

I didn''t get the impression that Bobacha''s BF has bad intentions here. And I think there is a lot to be said for what was lost in translation. I''m holding true to my original feeling... I''m all about motivation, but I like it to be on my terms, not someone else''s. And I don''t think I''d choose my engagement ring as my motivator for losing weight because with us, that proposal IS going to be very symbolic and special and not just a ring... so I don''t really want to associate that with my weight. For Bobacha, sounds like her situation is different for cultural reasons... so if SHE wants to make the ring her motivator, awesome. But hopefully that will be her decision, and not his. And if she has a problem with that arrangement, hopefully she''ll feel comfortable discussing it with him.

But the part about "if I can do it, you should be able to too" definitely struck a nerve with me... losing weight happens in different ways for different people, especially for guys and girls... that kind of direct comparison would p*ss me off. (<-- don''t know what words we''re not allowed to say on here?)

My BF is always nagging me to go work out with him, since he loves it and I don''t! So I''ve tried pointing out to him that I''m planning to start losing weight the minute he puts that ring on my finger, out of sheer wedding-picture anticipation. I thought that might inspire him to do it faster... so far, hasn''t quite happened that way.

 

[laurel_aurelia]

i''m not really in a similar situation, but when my dad died i gained about 30 pounds (i''m 5''7", i used to weigh about 115 and now i''m at 146.5.) i don''t want to be down to 115 again (when i look back, i was almost TOO thin), but i''d like to lose 16.5 pounds and be down to 130!

my fiance was quite overweight in highschool apparently -- and lost like 70 pounds. and now he''s hot as hell and in great shape and you''d never guess it. so, i''m in this "if he can do it so can i" mood.. he never really says anything about it, but I''M not happy.

So, i joined curves. seroiusly, it''s all women so it''s not intimidating at all. and it''s 30 minute workouts. i''m not going to say "oh god he''s crazy for saying that", that''s another issue in itself. but, if for YOURSELF you want to lose weight, you can be my long-distance-weight loss buddy.

L

 

[rainbowtrout]

I cycle with the year--I start school at about 135 in good shape and by May weigh about 140-145. This year's been worse bc of all the stress.

Anyway, I used to be about 115 as well--def. TOO thin. I look back at pictures and I look ill. It's easy for me to "ignore" extra weight because of my height, so I have to watch the scale and not my figure.


RE: the whole engagement/weight thing. I know I wouldn't take it well myself, mostly because I would feel like he was taking on a parental role on something that should be about equals. If he wanted to say "I'll buy you a TV" or something non-ering related, that would be a little different, but not much.


The hard thing about working out for me is that FI didn't grow up with anyone in his family doing it like I did, so he won't help motivate me and won't go to the gym unless I go or initiate the habit. SO whenever I get sick or overworked our routine breaks down because he won't keep it up. Frustrating, but that's how it is.

 

[fire&ice]

Date: 4/27/2006 10:07:02 AM
Author: aljdewey

Date: 4/27/2006 9:32:46 AM
Author: Virginia

Date: 4/27/2006 1:40:01 AM
Author: Mara

i also read where she said that english is not her first language and that he never said ''you have to earn it'' and that he just wants to motivate her. but it didn''t seem to make a difference, the PS train was off and running with the bad boyfriend tied firmly to the back.

Thanks Mara! I think people are missing this point!!

Honestly, I''m not missing any point, nor am I riding any ''PS train''.

Yes, I did she that she mentioned English isn''t her first language. I did also see that he didn''t actually say ''you have to earn it.''

What I ALSO saw (which many seemed to miss) is this:

''He said he will give me the ring when he''s seen my effort and hopefully results..'' Sorry, ladies, but that IS a contingency......''when you do this, I will give you this.'' To me, that is patently the same thing as having to earn it.

I also saw this: ''he''s been so desparate about me losing weight... he thinks i dont try hard enough.. he kept saying if he could do it, why can''t i?''

Motivating someone is the act of inspiring him/her, not pressuring her. Does she sound inspired to you? Because she doesn''t sound inspired to me; she sounds discouraged. Not only does that not help her reach her goal, it actually detracts from it.

Comparing his efforts/results to hers isn''t motivating either, by the way. If he wants to motivate her, he should simply stick to ''I know you can do it!''

I''m sure he is well-intentioned, which is why I didn''t say he was an ass/bad boyfriend/should be burned at the stake or anything else. I said that I personally believe that he''s going about it the wrong way, and that the method he''s choosing not only isn''t motivating, it''s exactly the opposite.

I''m with you totally on this one.

And to add - the first thing that came into my head was "CONTROL FREAK". Language barrier or not.

Sorry to be so harsh. But, having someone sit in judgement "I was able to do it. Why can''t you!? isn''t fun or motivating.

 

[Lorelei]

Date: 4/27/2006 11:25:19 AM
Author: fire&ice


Sorry to be so harsh. But, having someone sit in judgement 'I was able to do it. Why can't you!? isn't fun or motivating.

I completely agree F&I as if anyone ever says that to me, be it weight or any other thing I " should" be doing, I will rebel and completely go the other way because I hate being told what I should or shouldn't do.