May I ramble and maybe get some advice?

[Ifellinlovewithmybestfriend]

I''m still pretty new here so forgive me for just my random rambling, but I just need to, well, ramble. In a nutshell, I was married last year, sperarted last year and divorced the first of this year. I met my now boyfriend last year just prior to my seperation and we became instant best friends. Obviously there was some sort of other connection there but due to circumstances, nothing was really presued. We grew closer and closer and wanted to date, but i just didnt feel that with everything going on and people already assuming we had already been dating, i choose to date someone else. This caused a lot of hurt and heartache for him, and I led him through 9 months of hell while i figured things out. I knew I wanted to be with him, but i knew if we were together, it would more than likely lead to marriage. I needed someone in between to "get it out of my system" so to speak. But i still managed to lead him on and hurt him, to which i tearfully regret each day. The guy i was dating and i broke up and I began dating my best friend. Finally. All that we had longed for and wanted was finally happening. But not without hurt and past issues around. He has moments where he just can''t understand why i did what i did and i dont really know. Scared, confused? All the above. I just needed that time to sort through things and beable to give him all of me when we did start dating. I learned alot during those 9 months about me and what i wanted out of my next long term relationship and marriage. And that was to be with him and him only. God brough us together for a reason and he has tested us like no other but we still manage to come out stronger. I really dont think there is anythign we cant over come. Last week i went out of town when i hadnt planned on it, but i lost my job and went to be with my faimly on our yearly vacay. I was gone for the 4th and was misrable the whole time. I gave my boyfriend crap for being at the lake out of jealousy and was really mean to him. All of which is not really my character. Or at least not with him. I showed him a side of me that hasnt been a part of me for quite some time. I side that i hate and never wanted to see again, esp with him because i trust him and am more myself than ever before. But the demons took over and its caused a rift between us. This week he said he needed a little more space, not much, but some alone time during the week. That didnt bother me, i enjoy my quiet time too, but what hurt was that he said he didnt know if he was ready for a serious relationship. Not anything i ever expected to hear from him, esp after all we have talked about and longed for. I just feel like he is not being himself. Did i scare him because of my actions last week? I have been a MESS this whole week and i am pushing us apart because i am so stressed about A. finding a job and B. for how i treated him. He says he still wants to be with me no matter what, he just needs a step back. He said we have been so consumed with all that has gone on with us and although it has brought us closer and made us stronger, there is growth lacking in our relationship. All the things that are important to us, faith, etc. Am i worrying for nothing? Is this common in most relationships? He keeps saying he is just "being a guy" and next week he will probably be fine again. I jsut want to feel like it did 2 weeks ago when I wasnt so worried all the time and we FELT close. Thanks for listening (reading).

 

[Lauren8211]

In my experience, anyone who needs space like that (I'm not talking a day to themselves, I'm talking back-it-up, slow down the relationship space) is simply slowly distancing themselves. Most people I know want to get CLOSER when there are problems to work out. You can't work on relationship problems apart from one another. At that point, you're just working on learning how to be apart.

Every guy I've ever dated who wanted "space" ended up eventually breaking up with me. Relationships can't really go backwards, everyone knows that, no one wants to admit it.

While I don't know your whole story, if I were you, I'd break it off completely. If you are meant to be together, then you can get back together when the time is right. It seems like you actually BOTH need some space and time apart to get your heads back on correctly. Try it again when you're both in a better place.

Good Luck girl! Remember - my advice is just based on this one little post. You know best.

 

[dreaming of the day]

Well I think you and your So have a lot background together, some great experiences and some not so great experiences. I think that if space is what you needed when you came out of your marriage and dating someone else (not BF) was also something you felt you needed, well then you needed it. However, your SO was obviously hurt by that and has a hard time forgetting about it - don''t worry time heals all wounds. I too am jelous, I hate to admit it or say it but I am. Jelousy is so evil and it can destroy relationships. Instead of trying to pull your SO closer to you because you feel bad, just let him enjoy the little bit of room he is asking for - without being jelous or trying to apologize endlessly for your behaviour. Let him know you love him, but give him space and he will miss you before you even know it. Let him know how upset and angry you are about the job thing, and that the jelousy was a little misplaced anger too! Try not to use the word hate, cause it takes a long time to repair that one. My mom always taught me to use "I" when you are angry, to be honest about your feelings, and don''t play games (not that you were, just some advice that I have found so priceless).

 

[Ifellinlovewithmybestfriend]

Date: 7/11/2008 2:23:49 PM
Author: elledizzy5
In my experience, anyone who needs space like that (I''m not talking a day to themselves, I''m talking back-it-up, slow down the relationship space) is simply slowly distancing themselves. Most people I know want to get CLOSER when there are problems to work out. You can''t work on relationship problems apart from one another. At that point, you''re just working on learning how to be apart.

Every guy I''ve ever dated who wanted ''space'' ended up eventually breaking up with me. Relationships can''t really go backwards, everyone knows that, no one wants to admit it.

While I don''t know your whole story, if I were you, I''d break it off completely. If you are meant to be together, then you can get back together when the time is right. It seems like you actually BOTH need some space and time apart to get your heads back on correctly. Try it again when you''re both in a better place.

Good Luck girl! Remember - my advice is just based on this one little post. You know best.

Thanks for the response. I asked him if he was wanting space all together and a break up to which he said "absolutely not". We have practically been staying at each others places everynight and i think it was getting a bit much for him. He said that although he loves staying with me and me staying with him, it was something he wanted to build up to. He said he didnt want to see me any less, that some nights he might just want to hang out at his apt alone or with his roommate. This didnt phase me. We do this now. I think although we KNOW we want to end up married and together and have talked about it, we have only been "official" for 3 months, and i think he was getting scared we were moving to fast, which i wont argue. It just seems as though we have been together long than that. I have no problem slowing down and letting our relationship grow at a normal pace. I think it would be best. I just feel hurt for hurting him and how tings have been come a little tense between us.

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

Do I understand correctly that you married and divorced within a year and within 9 months of that you ended up with a guy you are now wanting to marry? If not, I appologize, if so, you have big problems you need to work on.
You need to step back and look at why being single is so threatening to you, because heavy relationship jumping really isn''t the best way to go.

In any case, I also think your relationship is probably not going to last. I have known many couples who take breaks like that and none of them are still together. I can only recommend you two go to conciling, or be prepaered to move on.

 

[trillionaire]

some people do need space and time. I had on BF who wanted to take a break. We never got back together, but are friends to this day. Another BF, I needed space... we broke up for 5 mos, but didn''t see other people. We got back together, and are about to celebrate 5 yrs together. It''s really a toss up.

 

[mimzy]

my FI and i had a similar experience in terms of coming out of serious relationships before we started dating, and i definitely remember feeling moments that i just needed to 'come up for air', so to speak. it's so intense, and so emotional, and so overwhelming that sometimes you just need space to normalize yourself and your mental set and get some perspective. if that's the case, then it is pretty benign. i'm not sure if i totally followed your whole post correctly or not though (?).

your boyfriend has been burned by you twice...once when you dated someone else and then when you flipped out at him, and that's just the reality. (don't be too hard on yourself though...it happens to the best). are you worried that the combination of the two has pushed your bf over the edge? i imagine you've apologized, but if you are still concerned i'd have a talk with him about why you reacted the way you did. whatever you do, make sure you BREATHE. even just reading your post wore me out.

 

[dreaming of the day]

Date: 7/11/2008 2:39:48 PM
Author: brazen_irish_hussy
Do I understand correctly that you married and divorced within a year and within 9 months of that you ended up with a guy you are now wanting to marry? If not, I appologize, if so, you have big problems you need to work on.
You need to step back and look at why being single is so threatening to you, because heavy relationship jumping really isn''t the best way to go.

In any case, I also think your relationship is probably not going to last. I have known many couples who take breaks like that and none of them are still together. I can only recommend you two go to conciling, or be prepaered to move on.

Me and my FF had a couple of times where he needed to take a break, it was his first long term relationship (more than two weeks) and we were young. We have the best relationship out of anyone I know, and thats the truth! Of course we have our little problems here and there, but we are so solid. You haven''t been together very long, in a relationship that its, and sometimes there are just kinks to work out. As long as the break isn''t more than two weeks, you still talk, and there is absolutely no dating/seeing anyone else, than I think its just fine. Of course it hurts when it isnt you needing time, but I can''t say your relationship is going to end because of it.

 

[Lauren8211]

I guess my boyfriends have been a little different than everyone elses. lol.

I guess I just feel like if you''re seriously talking about getting married, you should be able to get through stuff without "breaks". You can''t just run away from a marriage. If you''re just dating and you''re young, breaks are fine (those relationships typically don''t last, but there are always exceptions), but if you''re thinking marriage, you should be able to tough out your bad moments without having to run away from the relationship.

If you''re still "taking breaks"... marriage talk should be out of the question, IMHO.

 

[meresal]

Date: 7/11/2008 2:52:26 PM
Author: elledizzy5
I guess my boyfriends have been a little different than everyone elses. lol.

I guess I just feel like if you''re seriously talking about getting married, you should be able to get through stuff without ''breaks''. You can''t just run away from a marriage. If you''re just dating and you''re young, breaks are fine (those relationships typically don''t last, but there are always exceptions), but if you''re thinking marriage, you should be able to tough out your bad moments without having to run away from the relationship.

If you''re still ''taking breaks''... marriage talk should be out of the question, IMHO.

I completely agree. Since about half way through college I adopted this mentality... that if I ever feel like I need a "break" from someone, then I have no business wasting their time with a relationship. I won''t be able to take a break once we''re married, so why would it be ok to take one now. I don''t really like that he''s using the "I''m just being a guy." Maybe he really isn''t ready for a serious relationship? Are you ok with waiting for him now? I think that tables may have turned.

 

[dreaming of the day]

Date: 7/11/2008 2:52:26 PM
Author: elledizzy5
I guess my boyfriends have been a little different than everyone elses. lol.

I guess I just feel like if you''re seriously talking about getting married, you should be able to get through stuff without ''breaks''. You can''t just run away from a marriage. If you''re just dating and you''re young, breaks are fine (those relationships typically don''t last, but there are always exceptions), but if you''re thinking marriage, you should be able to tough out your bad moments without having to run away from the relationship.

If you''re still ''taking breaks''... marriage talk should be out of the question, IMHO.

I totally agree with that statement. Marraige is not something that should be talked about while in this stage, sure dream about it but don''t push for it - or make it necessary. Our little fights, me and my FF, were all in the beginning and some didnt think it was worth the work. But now I couldn''t have dreamt for a more perfect relationship. It has been 6.5 years though and we were young, so lots of growing. I think that because you were married, obviously to the wrong person, and it was so quick you should really take your time on this one. There is nothing wrong with waiting, it won''t ruin a relationship. (unless of course its a really really long time!!!)

 

[fieryred33143]

I think an honest heartfelt conversation like the one you are having with us now is what you and your boyfriend need.

This relationship is intense. If I’m reading correctly, you have been dating for a little over 6 months? (is that right?) If it is, then talks of God leading you together, marriage, lifelong partnership are all very intense in such a fresh relationship. What you two were missing was the initial get-to-know-you flirting/fun part of the first few months in a relationship. Since you already knew each other well, you skipped all of that and went straight to serious. That can be very intimidating for anyone.

But as you said, it makes you two stronger because you are surviving the intensity very early on. I realize he wants his space and you want to give it to him, but now isn’t the time for that. You know what you want, so you need to go and talk to him. In my relationship, we never took breaks or gave each other space. If there was anything that bothered us to the point where we felt we needed space, we would immediately hash it out. There’s no sense in you being where you are confused and worried and him being where he is confused and worried…and then waiting to fix it all. Fix it now.

 

[FrekeChild]

Date: 7/11/2008 2:52:26 PM
Author: elledizzy5
I guess my boyfriends have been a little different than everyone elses. lol.

I guess I just feel like if you''re seriously talking about getting married, you should be able to get through stuff without ''breaks''. You can''t just run away from a marriage. If you''re just dating and you''re young, breaks are fine (those relationships typically don''t last, but there are always exceptions), but if you''re thinking marriage, you should be able to tough out your bad moments without having to run away from the relationship.

If you''re still ''taking breaks''... marriage talk should be out of the question, IMHO.

I tend to agree with elle on this one. I have always been of the mindset that breaks are there for a reason-something isn''t working. Same with breakUPS. Something wasn''t working and it was bad enough for you both to declare that it was over permanently. This is why I have never gotten back together with an ex. It was broken enough to get away from it the first time, why would I want to go back to that?

It''s called a break/breakup because it''s broken.

Regardless, breaks and marriage do not go hand in hand. A break when you''re married is called trial separation, and a vast majority of the time, those end in divorce.

I just keep reading all this "break" stuff and thinking of Ross and Rachel.

 

[mimzy]

i guess a little clarification is needed IFILWMBF! (wow, thats long)

did he say that he wanted a full blown ''break'' as in, stop dating for a few weeks, or did he just say that he wanted some time to himself in the next couple days?

i''d agree that a real ''break'' isn''t a good sign, but if he is just asking to spend two or three days relatively apart, i think that''s something different. stefan and i have a great relationship, but there''s been times that i just wanted some ''me'' time...i think everyone does. and it''s true that *some* of these times have come when i was frustrated with him, etc, but it never meant that i couldn''t handle working through the frustrations or anything, just that some time to relax on my own was useful.

 

[GoingCrazy29]

I fell in love with my best friend too.
Short and sweet: we don''t believe in breaks from each other.

 

[Lauren8211]

Date: 7/11/2008 3:20:35 PM
Author: mimzy
i guess a little clarification is needed IFILWMBF! (wow, thats long)

did he say that he wanted a full blown ''break'' as in, stop dating for a few weeks, or did he just say that he wanted some time to himself in the next couple days?

i''d agree that a real ''break'' isn''t a good sign, but if he is just asking to spend two or three days relatively apart, i think that''s something different. stefan and i have a great relationship, but there''s been times that i just wanted some ''me'' time...i think everyone does. and it''s true that *some* of these times have come when i was frustrated with him, etc, but it never meant that i couldn''t handle working through the frustrations or anything, just that some time to relax on my own was useful.

That''s what I was trying to say -- don''t know if I made that clear. I got the impression that he wanted to "take a step back" in the relationship, as opposed to just having a day or two to himself. That''s what I think would have been a problem -- going backwards doesnt work.

 

[dreaming of the day]

I guess I want everyone thats loves eachother to work out, so I didnt see the stuff about not wanting as serious a relationship - to be honest those words kinda scare me! I really think you need to communicate with him, but give it a couple days or he wont listen and you will still be too worked up.

 

[meresal]

Date: 7/11/2008 3:12:04 PM
Author: FrekeChild

Date: 7/11/2008 2:52:26 PM
Author: elledizzy5
I guess my boyfriends have been a little different than everyone elses. lol.

I guess I just feel like if you''re seriously talking about getting married, you should be able to get through stuff without ''breaks''. You can''t just run away from a marriage. If you''re just dating and you''re young, breaks are fine (those relationships typically don''t last, but there are always exceptions), but if you''re thinking marriage, you should be able to tough out your bad moments without having to run away from the relationship.

If you''re still ''taking breaks''... marriage talk should be out of the question, IMHO.

I tend to agree with elle on this one. I have always been of the mindset that breaks are there for a reason-something isn''t working. Same with breakUPS. Something wasn''t working and it was bad enough for you both to declare that it was over permanently. This is why I have never gotten back together with an ex. It was broken enough to get away from it the first time, why would I want to go back to that?

It''s called a break/breakup because it''s broken.

Regardless, breaks and marriage do not go hand in hand. A break when you''re married is called trial separation, and a vast majority of the time, those end in divorce.

I just keep reading all this ''break'' stuff and thinking of Ross and Rachel.

I read in Shape magazine last month about this number:
32% of all marriages will be separated or divorced within the first 6 to 1o yrs.
57% of all separation will end in divorce within one year

I don''t understand why 2 or 3 days by himself is a good idea. Once you''re married is it going to be ok for him to leave for a day or 2. Something about this story doesn''t make sense to me. How seriously are the two of you talking about marriage?? Is there any way he is doing this just to be spiteful, becuase of how you hurt him in the past. Making you wait and over-analyze in the meantime??

 

[Ifellinlovewithmybestfriend]

I CLEARLY did not make myself clear. He NEVER said the wanted a BREAK, BREAK UP or anything to that effect. He reassured me 100000 times that is NOT even a thought in his mind. I think what he was getting at was we were spending TOO much time together, sleeping at each others places every night, not enough time as individuals, etc. He said he missed doing thinks like working out and hitting golf balls with his roommate. THAT is what he wanted more of, not LESS of me, or none or me at all. I hope that clears things up.

 

[fieryred33143]

Ifell: I re-read some of your other posts and you have only been together for 3 months.

Maybe talking about lifelong goals after 3 months and then showing what you admittedly called your ugly side scared him.

 

[krispi]

I don''t think it''s best in these situations to force yourself on him, though. I just think that will make him even more resentful. Personally, I''d give him the space he wants, and if it''s meant to work out it will - if it doesn''t, then it wasn''t meant to be. (I know, easier said than done - been there too many times!) Plus, with everything going on in your life right now, it sounds like you could really benefit from some down time and relaxation too. Focus on yourself right now, and if he''s meant to come along he will.

 

[FrekeChild]

I dunno Meresal, but I think they have only been together for 3 months? If I'm reading that right?

So I don't know that any talk about marriage is that serious yet. I know it wasn't for my two best friends who were best friends before they started dating. A year later, and they are both pretty sure it'll happen, but still...

ETA: Whoa. Chill out.

 

[Lauren8211]

Date: 7/11/2008 4:06:31 PM
Author: Ifellinlovewithmybestfriend
I CLEARLY did not make myself clear. He NEVER said the wanted a BREAK, BREAK UP or anything to that effect. He reassured me 100000 times that is NOT even a thought in his mind. I think what he was getting at was we were spending TOO much time together, sleeping at each others places every night, not enough time as individuals, etc. He said he missed doing thinks like working out and hitting golf balls with his roommate. THAT is what he wanted more of, not LESS of me, or none or me at all. I hope that clears things up.

That makes me feel a bit better. I can understand that.

However, I am still a bit concerned with how the two of you got together. Seems like there could be a bit of trust missing, which could cause problems down the line. Trust is so, so, so important, and jealousy is a symptom of a lack of it. You should definitely work on that to make sure you guys know you''re both 100% in the relationship!

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

Date: 7/11/2008 4:06:31 PM
Author: Ifellinlovewithmybestfriend
I CLEARLY did not make myself clear. He NEVER said the wanted a BREAK, BREAK UP or anything to that effect. He reassured me 100000 times that is NOT even a thought in his mind. I think what he was getting at was we were spending TOO much time together, sleeping at each others places every night, not enough time as individuals, etc. He said he missed doing thinks like working out and hitting golf balls with his roommate. THAT is what he wanted more of, not LESS of me, or none or me at all. I hope that clears things up.

Seems to me that you have an idea of what is going on and all of us are lacking enough information to give you a good answer.

The way you are defending him and getting upset with posters that are saying it''s not a great sign when someone pushes you away clearly shows that you have made up your mind. You know your relationship the best. It is important to maintain your individualism even when you are a part of a couple so it''s good that he is mature enough to recognize this!

 

[fieryred33143]

I don’t see anything wrong in the way they got together. To be honest, I probably would have done the same. Everyone needs their time after a breakup. She was looking for a rebound and didn’t want him to be that rebound. I can understand that.

I think the real problem is how serious it is after only 3 months. Yes, some couples get very serious after a short period but when you take that intensity and mix it in with jealousy and talking about marriage and being in each other’s face 24/7, anyone would scream. Some guys can fall in love in a matter of weeks and start talking marriage and children. For others, hearing the "m" word after only a few months scares the crap out of them.

Think Ross versus Chandler...to keep with the Friends references

 

[FrekeChild]

Date: 7/11/2008 4:25:33 PM
Author: fieryred33143
I don’t see anything wrong in the way they got together. To be honest, I probably would have done the same. Everyone needs their time after a breakup. She was looking for a rebound and didn’t want him to be that rebound. I can understand that.

I think the real problem is how serious it is after only 3 months. Yes, some couples get very serious after a short period but when you take that intensity and mix it in with jealousy and talking about marriage and being in each other’s face 24/7, anyone would scream. Some guys can fall in love in a matter of weeks and start talking marriage and children. For others, hearing the ''m'' word after only a few months scares the crap out of them.

Think Ross versus Chandler...to keep with the Friends references

Yeah. Ross who is ready and willing to sign papers after a couple of weeks of dating and Chandler took...how long?

Everyone needs their own space. I know FF and I will get married, and we both knew after less than 3 months, but we still did our own thing and chilled out with our own friends. There wasn''t a whole bunch of pressure right away once we started talking marriage. We went from "Yeah we''ll get married." and him not wanting to talk about it at all to "Yeah, we''re getting married." and him thinking I''m totally cute for having it all planned out already.

Confession: I like it when he goes out of town. Then it''s MY TIME, and I don''t have to worry about anyone else but me and the pets. And they take care of themselves most of the time and don''t get a choice in what they get for dinner.

 

[meresal]

Your original post:
"Is this common in most relationships? He keeps saying he is just "being a guy" and next week he will probably be fine again."

There is obviously something bothering him. He''s telling you he will probably be fine again... I''m not sure if you really want our advice, but this doesn''t sound like a good thing to me. It''s called a women''s intuition for a reason, and the fact that you came on here and posted means that you feel that something isn''t right as well.

 

[Lauren8211]

Date: 7/11/2008 4:36:22 PM
Author: meresal
Your original post:
''Is this common in most relationships? He keeps saying he is just ''being a guy'' and next week he will probably be fine again.''

There is obviously something bothering him. He''s telling you he will probably be fine again... I''m not sure if you really want our advice, but this doesn''t sound like a good thing to me. It''s called a women''s intuition for a reason, and the fact that you came on here and posted means that you feel that something isn''t right as well.

Ditto!

 

[purrfectpear]

You''ve already been married, separated and divorced in the space of one year.

I''m going to make a leap of faith here and assume you don''t want a second divorce in 24 months.

Slow down. Slow wayyyy the heck down. You sound needy in your post. Why would you even be mentioning the word marriage less than 12 months from your last divorce?

You need to understand who you are separate from any relationship first. Then you need to learn to date. Dating isn''t sleeping over at his place all the time. That usually comes a year or so after getting to know each other in a dating relationship. What''s the rush here? Don''t even bother with the rationalization "I feel like we''ve known each other forever" or "I just know we''re meant to be together". If all that is true, it will be MORE true if you take some time and slow things down. A lot.

Start treating this guy more like your "best friend" and less like your "next marriage victim" please. He is reacting to your youth, your neediness, your jealousy, and you are smothering him.

Learn to be an independent woman then you will have something to offer a relationship. In time.

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

Date: 7/11/2008 4:47:51 PM
Author: purrfectpear


Don''t even bother with the rationalization ''I feel like we''ve known each other forever'' or ''I just know we''re meant to be together''. If all that is true, it will be MORE true if you take some time and slow things down. A lot.

Learn to be an independent woman then you will have something to offer a relationship. In time.

Here here Purrfectpear! My guy and I were best friends for almost 3 years before we started dating. Once we started dating we didn''t rush anything. We''ve watched many of our friends meet, live together, get engaged, get married and have children all while we slowly but confidently built our life together. In the beginning I maintained a lot of my own independence just to prove to myself that life alone is nothing to be afraid of and let me tell you, it''s by far one of the best gifts I have EVER given to myself!