Mother-in-Law Cut my Wedding "Cake"!

[Mara]

Date: 7/10/2007 3:09:18 AM
Author: Cehrabehra
First of all, you are right and she is wrong. Without a doubt. You have every right to be offended, hurt, and pissed off. She was out of line.

And everyone knows that. Everyone.

I would try to be as gracious as possible at this point, I would hate for you to drag yourself down to her even a *little* lest she use that to (try to) justify her behavior. In the big scheme it is small potatoes. She was rude. You''re probably in for a long ride of this.... choose your battles, hug your husband, and try to keep some perspective. She was wrong. You know it. Everyone knows it. Likely she knows it too. But you aren''t going to gain much by rubbing her nose in it. Chances are she already feels she lost something when her son married you. I''m a mom of boys... I already hate my daughter inlaws for taking them away from me and they''re both under 10! LOL

That is such a good point. It could be this is her way of acting out about her feelings on that.

My neighbor and friend is pregnant and I mentioned something about this new sapphire and diamond eternity ring she got for a combo anniversary and push present being a potentially really beautiful and sentimental gift for her to give to her future daughter-in-law when she has her first grandchild and her face scrunched up she said ''you don''t even know how much i hate that woman right now, not only is she taking my child away from me, but she is taking my jewelry too''...i was like OMG! she was only HALF joking. then she told me her hormones are crazy but that she feels so protective over the baby. i was like uh oh i feel sorry for his future wife hehe.

and starry, i agree with cehra on the everyone knows you have the right to be upset about it. it''s really not about that for me. it''s more like well what you do about it. and yes you are right in that when stuff piles up, it doesn''t matter if it''s malicious or just ignorance, but in the future i guess you will just have to know what you MIGHT be in for and pick your battles. realize that you married into a family not like yours...and you have to make do as best you can with their funky family dynamics, let''s face it, everyone has them. and everyone almost always has that one or two weird family members that make you scratch your head.

from my own experience as well, i find that the longer i am ''in'' this second family i married into, that the more i feel like i belong, the longer that time goes on. we''ve been married 3 years now and i feel much more comfortable in his family dynamics...of course we do not see his family that much right now as we are on different coasts but this last visit i felt more at ease than ever before. and yeah sometimes there is drama, and sometimes it''s related to me (aka his stepmom is a really strong personality used to controlling all aspects of family gtg''s and that includes everyone inside of them and she treats the kids like they are still kids and that includes me and i am like woah i am not your kid!!! treat me like an adult!)...but recognizing it and getting past it is all part of it too in my opinion. so while i can''t say in a few years you will be in love with this woman, who knows...you might learn to tolerate her, understand her a little better, grow more fond of her. just keep an open mind i would say.

 

[Lorelei]

*Quick threadjack*

"and her face scrunched up " Mara you are killing me!

Most descriptive!

 

[canuk-gal]

Date: 7/9/2007 11:08:10 AM
Author: starryeyed
So here''s the new development. DH arrived back yesterday with a vase of flowers and a card from the MIL for me.

The card said ''thanks'' for the destination wedding experience and ''sorry'' for cutting the cake. She claims to have been ''tired and overwhelmed'' and admits it was a ''mistake''.

It could be that DH bought the flowers himself to ''cover'' for his mother, but I have to let that one go. I am learning that people in the family cover for each other''s thoughtlessness all of the time. (I guess that''s nice, but it creates an environment where people aren''t accountable for their actions.) I am grateful that she wrote a note. And I checked - it''s in her handwriting.

What an eye-opener this had been.

HI:

Ah, yes; that it certainly is. I am glad you received the peace offering from you new MIL; and while you do may never "like" what happened, on some level you will have to come to accept it.

Now enjoy your honeymoon!!! (and pictures?????)

cheers--Sharon

 

[Mara]

Date: 7/10/2007 10:34:15 AM
Author: Lorelei
*Quick threadjack*

''and her face scrunched up '' Mara you are killing me!

Most descriptive!

hee hee...

 

[momof2inpa]

i''m mostly a lurker but felt compelled to respond to starryeyed''s post....while you have every right to feel angry, don''t let that give you reason to be cruel to your MIL...she is who she is and it is what it is. perhaps your actions can show her how to handle herself in future matters. let it go or else it will start to stockpile with every little thing she does and then come to blows some day. she is your husband''s mother and possibly your future children''s grandmother....lead them by example as well....

 

[Harriet]

Starry,

I'm sorry I missed you thread till now. I've been in a similar position with my FMIL, and understand your position. I'm glad that your DH stood up for you. At least there won't be tension between you both. If I were you, I wouldn't hold my breath for an apology. However, I'd make my feelings known so that boundaries are drawn.

 

[Harriet]

Date: 7/10/2007 4:01:55 PM
Author: Harriet
Starry,

I''m sorry I missed you thread till now. I''ve been in a similar position with my FMIL, and understand your position. I''m glad that your DH stood up for you. At least there won''t be tension between you both. If I were you, I wouldn''t hold my breath for an apology. However, I''d make my feelings known so that boundaries are drawn.

ETA:
I''m glad you got an apology, even if it''s insincere. Hopefully, she''ll recognise that she can''t walk over you.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Whew! I need to remember not to go out of town so I don''t have 4 pages of posts to read!

Starry, I am glad someone conveyed to your MIL that what she did hurt you and that she wrote an apology. It sounds like she is self-centered and just doesn''t have the best of manners (and I agree with those who said she probably did think of the tart as a dessert since it did not look like a wedding cake). I think you need to prepare yourself that she will do other things in the future, and you need to let it go. It reflects on her and no one else. The best advice I saw was take the high road and forgive her. She didn''t intend it as a personal offense against you even though you rightly felt that way at the outset. I have a very difficult brother-in-law and had to take the high road myself while on vacation and offer him an apology for something that happened a year ago that I really had nothing to do with! But I did it to make peace in the family and because I love my sister and did not want her to suffer when he''d refuse to go to family functions. I''d say you''ll need to do the same now and in the future out of love for your husband. Just have pity on the one who causes the trouble because they are usually unhappy people.

Now where are the wedding photos?!!!!!!

 

[diamondfan]

Starry, I also think that, somewhat, the act of aplogizing might sort of remind her of proper behavior even if it was not initially the most sincere gesture on her part. It should not be totally forced, but still, be accountable is valid. Sometimes going through the motions does have a rebound absorbtion effect. I often feel like if people get into the right habits that is half the battle. Of course we want the person to mean it down deep, but often that comes over time, and if they do the right thing in the immediate moment it helps soothe everyone. We all want to think the person is really motivated to make it right because they know and accept their actions were improper, but that might be asking for your tart and wanting to eat it too! (could not resist). I also, as I said before, think there are people who just do not behave well, for whatever reason, and they likely never will. At that point, it is up to us, the more rational people, to know that, file it away in our mind, and recall that when the other person is out of line. I sort of liken it to trying to speak Chinese to someone who simply does not understand Chinese...we can get frustrated and annoyed but they will not understand us in the moment. Of course one can "learn" Chinese, or can learn to be a bit more courteous, but it takes time. I would be so happy if my mother in law ACTED like a nice civil person, and would care less about her thoughts about doing so, because at least she would BEHAVE as if she were reasonable and we could avoid most of the conflicts we have.

 

[starryeyed]

Diamondfan, THANKS SO MUCH for sharing your experiences. Your MIL sounds like a real headcase! Ugh!

If I may ask, why do you spend so much time with her? Why bother at holidays and at spring break? What if you were to put your foot down and say that unless she learns to treat you and your children better and with respect, she''s not welcome? If your husband wants to spend time with her, he can, but you will make other plans. It sounds like you are really being abused and it has been a sore spot for many years.

I wonder because I am pretty tempted to set this as a ground rule. No respect, no airtime. I tend to be sensitive, so I don''t want to be continually subject to hurtful behavior.

By the way, I like your "speaking Chinese" analogy!

 

[starryeyed]

Thanks Harleigh, Momof2, Harriet, and SanDiego Lady. It means a lot to me and makes me feel much better that I have your support!

Poptart, I'm a firm believer in the saying "familiarity breeds contempt". I plan to keep many things private, so that there is less fodder to drawn on.

CB - LOL! I tend to think collaboratively, so taking her son away didn't even cross my mind. It could become a self-fulfilling prophecy though....

Mara - Thanks for sharing. You know what though - I'm not sure I want to "belong". I have very little in common with the mother's side - they are not the most educated people and some of them behave like the are inbred. I am definitely interested in the father's side though - they are civilized, accomplished people. Oddly enough, they don't have anything to do with the MIL or her family. That tells me something.

canuk-gal - Thanks! No honeymoon yet - too busy. Probably in the fall.

DiamondSeeker - Hi! Welcome back. Thanks for reading through 4 pages and chiming in. I agree with you, but these are such competitive people. I always tend to say "sorry" but I'm learning that this is akin to admitting weakness. It's not a "supportive" family environment that way. Instead, the family members spend all kinds of time strengthening their "camps". There is all kinds of behind-the-scenes persuasion/coercion going on. Someone only apologizes when their camp is not strong. Crazy dynamic and a total waste of time. It's like mob-rule or something - certainly not dictated by civility.

 

[phoenixgirl]

Here''s the best recommendation I can give.

I had to learn to have no expectations of MIL et. al. and to protect everything that is important to me from them. If both of you are on the same page regarding her, you can set boundaries (which need to have tangible reinforcement, like you will leave or hang up the phone if she does X), limit your contact, or even cut off contact completely. But if your husband is trying to toe the line and make peace between you two (let''s face it, she raised him, and she''d probably have to be pretty awful for him to see her as more harm than good . . . my DH was in denial for a long time because admitting that you have an unbalanced parent may mean there''s something wrong with you, right?), then none of those are really options unless your DH is supportive.

So that''s where the no expectations part comes in. When DH and I got married, our minister drew our family tree in our premarriage counseling. Then he put a big X on the branch that is MIL and her family and told us that while we could look to my parents and FIL and family for support, MIL''s branch would be no support to us and we''d have to accept that. I''ll always remember that. I obviously didn''t internalize it right away because MIL still managed to disappoint me by giving me crap and cutting me off when I was telling about my dad''s stroke. But now I get it, and when I talk to her, it''s like when I talk to somebody I don''t really know and don''t really trust at a party. My only expectation of her is that she not disturb my peaceful home. Other than that, I''ll just leave if she''s mistreating me, and I won''t ever look forward to presents or special time from her.

 

[diamondfan]

Well, hubby suffers from child guilt. Feels he SHOULD spend time with her (should WANT to, but in reality he does not) and that she SHOULD be around the kids. Now, I can have here in my house (versus a hotel on vacation ) and have the kids off in school (versus around with us so I am not stuck entertaining her) and have hubby at his office (versus being a captive audience) and I decided I would rather have her on the trip, where there is activity and the kids and her son are available. I try to duck out and get a massage etc, because boy she gets to me, but if kids were in school and hubby at work (and funny how he needs to stay at work til 11:00 pm when she is visiting us at home!) I get stuck with her ALL DAY LONG. UGH. I have told him (many times) that I expect her to act appropriately, whether it be to my kids or my friends or my help, and that I will not tolerate her being condescending, snotty, rude etc. He thinks I am too sensitive as to what constitutes bad behavior, but I make my own decisions after all this time. He is used to it, is not here for all of it, and ignores the rest. If she is TOTALLY bad, I tell her this is unacceptable and go get my hubby. The worst thing is my middle son absolutely despises her, it upsets hubby, but as I told him, my son might know how I feel, and is aware that I do not care for her, but is old enough to formulate his own opinions. She is nasty to him, therefore he does not like her. That is called a consequence, and though she has had to deal with precious few of them, I try to make sure she does. What goes around comes around and if you are selfish, self involved and egocentric, it is likely there will be repercussions to those actions. At the end of the day, one can rationalize, jusify and excuse their bad behaviors, we all can if need be, but accepting our role and trying to right a wrong is much better than blaming and ducking the repsonsibilty. You do not allow anyone to heal from what you have done if you do not at least try to make things right.

 

[Siamese Kitty]

Date: 7/11/2007 10:32:49 AM
Author: starryeyed

Mara - Thanks for sharing. You know what though - I''m not sure I want to ''belong''. I have very little in common with the mother''s side - they are not the most educated people and some of them behave like the are inbred. I am definitely interested in the father''s side though - they are civilized, accomplished people. Oddly enough, they don''t have anything to do with the MIL or her family. That tells me something.

SE- I think what your MIL did is totally heinous and shocking, followed by her making lame excuses, but this comment? Wowza! Being honest, (and I understand that you''re angry) this comes off as really offensive and elitist. You''re probably just venting here, but I imagine a comment like this would really hurt your husband. After all, he seemingly DOES still have a relationship with his mother even if he recognizes her shortcomings. You''re also essentially saying that your husband comes from a background that is, at least on one side, beneath you. I think most people are more perceptive than we give them credit for and if you truly feel all of these terrible things toward your MIL, reality is she probably has a clue and may be reacting to that as well. I''m NOT saying this made her actions right, but I do think that being a bigger person will make you feel better and earn even more respect from your hubby. Like others have said, this is his MOM. He''s probably a little embarrassed right now, too, and wishing the whole thing would go away. If I were you, I would really try to play up the positives of the wedding with him right now and let the cake thing go. He probably feels sufficiently crappy and in the middle. Just my 2 cents-I really hope you don''t think I''m being harsh! Congrats by the way!