Mother-in-Law Cut my Wedding "Cake"!

[starryeyed]

Date: 7/7/2007 12:43:11 AM
Author: snlee
Wow! I''m shocked your MIL did that! How rude! Cutting the cake (in your case tart) is a big wedding tradition! Thank goodness there was another tart for you to cut for picture purposes. When I read your post, I couldn''t help but wonder how does your husband feel about it?? If MY mother did that, I''d be super pissed at her and I''d definitely have some words with her! I agree with thing2of2. I think your husband should be the one to talk with her.
Other than that very rude incident, sounds like you had a wonderful wedding! Congratulations!

Until I made it clear how angry I was, my husband dismissed the whole thing. He at first defended his mother saying she didn''t realize, she must have been tired, etc. He''s much more easy-going than I am. Now that he realizes the magnitude for me, he''s backing me up. He called it "extremely unfortunate".

Rising Sun - JPN is all I can say too because it''s so unfathomable.

 

[starryeyed]

Date: 7/7/2007 1:00:12 AM
Author: surfgirl
starry, first of all CONGRATULATIONS on your marriage! That's wonderful and it sounds like it was a lovely day, despite The Great Fruit Tart Debacle of 2007!

That said, I agree with all sides mentioned...Yes, you need to let go, for your own sake. Dont let it ruin an otherwise lovely and special day. But I also think it says something about her lack of respect for you and her son in general. She's just plain trashy in my opinion. That said, if she hasn't apologized to you by the time you get your wedding photos back, why not just send her a photo of the tart already with pieces missing, in a nice frame, instead of a photo of her son and you? If you dont have a photo of the decimated tart, how about photo-shopping it to look like it did when you came out of the bathroom? I'm sure many here would be happy to lend a photo-shop hand in need! Perhaps the next time she's at your house for dinner or a meal, you can make it a point to say clearly and loudly that nobody will be served until everything is set out on the table and everyone is present and accounted for. She sounds like she needs to be treated like a child, and taught how to behave properly. In fact, I need to stop typing because I'm getting pissed just thinking about this...

Ha-ha surfgirl! Naming it helps - The Great Fruit Tart Debacle! Hee-hee!

I actually like the idea of sending the picture of a decimated tart. Or perhaps a picture of us cutting "Tart Number Two". I'm glad you see how I feel - the more I thought about it, the angry I became. "Trashy" is right!

 

[starryeyed]

Date: 7/7/2007 12:53:14 AM
Author: NYCsparkle
well at the next big family get together at her house start eating the desserts before she brings them out or stick your finger in one to yaste the icing...lol...just kidding

let it go unless she does something else rude. you don't want to start a marriage this way...not to say its not right, but what good would a fake apology be at this point? chalk it up to no manners and if something like it happenss again confront her THEN about it. your wedding day wasn't the time or place. congrats on your otherwise perfect day!!

Or when offered chocolates at her house, turn each one over, press my thumb into the back to see the filling type, and then put the ones back I don't like......

You're right - rough way to start a marriage....

 

[decodelighted]

I''m sorry about what happened. It sounds like she''s already "paying" for her actions by appearing uncouth & foolish in front of so many guests.

But IMO this kinda stuff ...

Date: 7/7/2007 1:03:26 AM
Author: starryeyed
I am almost embarrassed to be talking about this because it makes me wonder if I should have been more careful about choosing a MIL. Like, I feel like it''s a reflection on my decision-making ability or something. I can''t help but wonder if she hasn''t been covering up some ''white-trash'' roots or something....

is what is going to "reflect badly on you". As if you wouldn''t marry your husband if his MOTHER wasn''t "up to snuff"???? What does THAT say? As if people with "white trash roots" can''t behave politely? I also find the term "white trash" offensive & somewhat of a racial slur.

FWIW -- I grew up with a huge emphasis on manners etc. but not everyone else has that opportunity. I''ve had to learn COMPASSION and EMPATHY for those who make faux pas. I''ve also learned to accept that what I''d always heard was "the right way" or "the decent thing to do" is GUESS WHAT ... just an opinion. People aren''t "better" than one another. Consider that.

 

[So_happy]

Okay, was she drunk? Seriously, if this were true, then it would at least offer SOME understanding. It wouldn''t really make me less pissed, but it might help me move past it a touch faster.

I am so angry for you for what your MIL did! I feel like she represents all the people in my own life that I feel have done mean/spiteful things on purpose but tried to minimize it or, worse, made it sound like it was in some way MY fault (i.e. you must have been taking too long in the bathroom because her sleeping schedule was just becoming all outta whack so she had NO choice but to move on with the cutting of the cake....tsk tsk tsk on you for peeing!!!!!!!)

grrrr!!!!! That woman tried to blame EVERYONE but herself!!! What a crock.

So sorry this happened to you and your husband

 

[snlee]

Date: 7/7/2007 1:09:20 AM
Author: starryeyed

Until I made it clear how angry I was, my husband dismissed the whole thing. He at first defended his mother saying she didn''t realize, she must have been tired, etc. He''s much more easy-going than I am. Now that he realizes the magnitude for me, he''s backing me up. He called it ''extremely unfortunate''.

Now I know this isn''t a good way to start out married life, but I''d be pissed at my husband if that were his initial reaction, even if he is an easy-going person. Come one! What your MIL did was beyond RUDE! I''m glad he''s backing you up now!

I just saw a newbie with the user name init4thecake. LOL! What timing! Even though yours was a tart. Maybe it''s your MIL!

I''m j/k!

 

[starryeyed]

Date: 7/7/2007 1:22:16 AM
Author: decodelighted
I'm sorry about what happened. It sounds like she's already 'paying' for her actions by appearing uncouth & foolish in front of so many guests.


But IMO this kinda stuff ...

Date: 7/7/2007 1:03:26 AM

Author: starryeyed

I am almost embarrassed to be talking about this because it makes me wonder if I should have been more careful about choosing a MIL. Like, I feel like it's a reflection on my decision-making ability or something. I can't help but wonder if she hasn't been covering up some 'white-trash' roots or something....

is what is going to 'reflect badly on you'. As if you wouldn't marry your husband if his MOTHER wasn't 'up to snuff'???? What does THAT say? As if people with 'white trash roots' can't behave politely? I also find the term 'white trash' offensive & somewhat of a racial slur.

FWIW -- I grew up with a huge emphasis on manners etc. but not everyone else has that opportunity. I've had to learn COMPASSION and EMPATHY for those who make faux pas. I've also learned to accept that what I'd always heard was 'the right way' or 'the decent thing to do' is GUESS WHAT ... just an opinion. People aren't 'better' than one another. Consider that.

I don't mean "white trash" as a racial slur AT ALL - I refer to people who don't have any manners and never learned any manners. I don't think it is about money either - people of limited means can be extremely civilized and people with money can be trashy. I don't think I'm better than anyone, and I hope that's not what you were implying. I am just concerned that I am going to be faced with these kinds of problems for a long time. I don't want to be hurt and angry at every holiday gathering. Life is so short.

You are right - compassion and empathy are really important. Unfortunately, you don't know me, but I am a very compassionate person. This cake incident was just stepping over my boundaries.

 

[starryeyed]

Date: 7/7/2007 1:37:00 AM
Author: snlee
Now I know this isn''t a good way to start out married life, but I''d be pissed at my husband if that were his initial reaction, even if he is an easy-going person. Come one! What your MIL did was beyond RUDE! I''m glad he''s backing you up now!

I just saw a newbie with the user name init4thecake. LOL! What timing! Even though yours was a tart. Maybe it''s your MIL!

I''m j/k!

I know. Such confusing emotions. I''m glad he''s backing me up about this now too. It really shows he is committed. I really do want to clear the air, but short of her apologizing, I''m not sure how to purge this thing.

Thank goodness the MIL goes to bed early or I''d be paranoid!

 

[starryeyed]

Date: 7/7/2007 1:35:16 AM
Author: So_happy
Okay, was she drunk? Seriously, if this were true, then it would at least offer SOME understanding. It wouldn''t really make me less pissed, but it might help me move past it a touch faster.

I am so angry for you for what your MIL did! I feel like she represents all the people in my own life that I feel have done mean/spiteful things on purpose but tried to minimize it or, worse, made it sound like it was in some way MY fault (i.e. you must have been taking too long in the bathroom because her sleeping schedule was just becoming all outta whack so she had NO choice but to move on with the cutting of the cake....tsk tsk tsk on you for peeing!!!!!!!)

grrrr!!!!! That woman tried to blame EVERYONE but herself!!! What a crock.

So sorry this happened to you and your husband

Hi So Happy. I definitely think alcohol played a role. But still, the cutting of the cake is such a huge tradition. The cake (tart) was on it''s own table on a pedestal, decorated with edible flowers and chocolate shells - You''d think she''d see that it was a special thing. Plus I told her several times about the special knife from a family friend..... Grrrr... is right!

 

[Gypsy]

Flabbergasted!

I told John and he was like... ''What the HECK!''... so it''s not a woman only thing. Even guys know better.

Ditto what DF said.

 

[Love in Bloom]

Geeze Starryeyed, I''m sorry she did that to you

. You would think she would have the decency to think about how her actions would make you feel. And she tried blame your dad? I think you should talk to her about it and let her know you think she should apologize because it sounds like something that could eat away at you if you don''t say anything. At least if she really didn''t do it maliciously, when you confront her yourself and tell her how hurt/frustrated you are, she will hopefully use her brain the next time she thinks about interfering where she should not. And if she did cut the cake with bad intentions...give her hell about it

!!!

 

[rainydaze]

hi starryeyed, i am so sorry for anger and frustration you are feeling over this incident. shame on your MIL!! i love some of the proposed paybacks here though, laughter really is the best medicine!

i would like to offer one tidbit of insight. in my case my FIL and MIL ruined the wedding before it happened, and we chose to elope. i am still bitter about it, but we''ve moved on (WITHOUT an apology, i think they still feel WE slighted THEM and are waiting for US to apologize). we have kids now and we all just seem to have put it behind us as best we could without addressing it and tried to be a ''family''. they still do things that get under my skin, and i''m sure they could say the same about us, but at the end of the day we are just DIFFERENT. they aren''t horrible people, nor am i, but we have different approaches to life and beliefs that sometimes create friction. initially as i was navigating this new water, my husband was ''on my side'' and supportive and equally upset at some of the stuff they did or ways they behaved (though he had the beneift of getting used to them for 20+ years whereas i was getting a crash course) but now 6+ years later my rants or bitterness sometimes cause him to be cross with ME. it''s true, an apology is MOST DEFINATELY warranted from your MIL, but you may never get one. fume away and do what you need to in order to get it out of your system as much as possible and to get yourself to a better place, but i would recommend going easy with your DH. it is wonderful he is supportive, and for your part you must realize that he is stuck in the middle. if possible, try to muster up the respect for HIM that they are still his parents and he has to honor you both on some level. he cannot MAKE his mom apologize, but he can stand up to her on your behalf, and so long as he does this, you may have to let some things (including festering anger and resentment and an apology) go.... at least around him. maybe try venting/ranting/balling to a friend, or your mom when you feel the need, or here, and give your DH a break (if you haven''t already) as this could plant a poisonous seed in your relationship. and my favorite suggestion.....open a few of her xmas presents from year to year

that is just speaking from my own experience for what it is worth. i make no assumptions about how you are handling this, i am simply looking down the road for you in the hopes i can help you come to a better place and ensure it doesn''t interfere with the relationship you have with your DH. i feel for you, i really do. my own feelings of apall and anger flooded in as i read your post..... it''s the violation that stings. whether it''s the cake or the whole wedding, being violated and disregarded and disrespected stings and boy does it have BITE!! and it''s something that was taken/stolen from you that you can never get back.

 

[aljdewey]

I honestly don''t think your goal should be to get an apology.....because I feel that you''d just be hurt and disappointed all over again with either a) no apology forthcoming or b) an insincere apology that doesn''t mitigate how you''re feeling at all.

I''d also agree not to put your husband in the middle. He''s done his part, and now it''s up to you.

I do agree with you, Starry, that this is a crucial and defining moment that will set the tone for your relationship going forward, and I think you need to handle it straight on.

I''d try to meditate yourself into as Zen a state as you possibly can......and then you should say something to her about it. You should be as calm and as matter of fact as you can, and I''d plan on having your say to her and COMMITTING yourself to not getting agitated at whatever response she may offer.

I''d make a date to have a cup of coffee with her, and I''d tell her the following in a CALM, modulated, matter-of-fact voice absent of any hysteria:

"There''s something that''s really bothering me, and I need to talk to you about it before it simmers into an awful undertone in our relationship. I was shocked and hurt that you cut into our wedding cake/tart, and I felt it was incredibly disrespectful to both me and your son. I honestly don''t believe that a pressing need to get to bed justifies that behavior; I don''t believe there would be any justifiable reason to do something like that.

I''m incredibly angry about this, and I don''t want it to set a bad tone for our relationship going forward, so I felt it important to clear the air and tell you how I''m feeling about it. I want us to have a good relationship going forward, so it''s important for you to know that I intend to be respectful to you and I expect the same respectfulness from you. If we aren''t able to do this, it''s going to be a very strained relationship. I''m willing to try, and I hope you are too."

Having this conversation should do a few things. First, it should relieve the ''pressure-cooker simmering'' you''re doing over the cake cutting. It''s done, and it can''t be undone. All you can do at this point is talk to her directly about how you''re feeling and then resolve to get over it. Second, it nicely puts her on notice that you aren''t going to just quietly suck up being treated poorly, that you aren''t afraid to call her on it if it happens, and that she won''t be able to do so without response from you. I think she''ll think twice before acting if she realizes that you *will* speak to her about it instead of letting it slide.

Good luck. Hope it works out.

 

[Ellen]

Date: 7/6/2007 11:33:31 PM
Author: Kaleigh
I do think it was rude, and out of line. But thank goodness there was another tart for you to cut, and that you got pics of that. Not sure what she was thinking. But take some time.... I think picking battles is key. You know her, we don''t. Hopefully you have wonderful memories of your wedding, don''t let this take away from them.

Please post pics for us!!

I think she was thinking of herself!

I''m sorry she did that. And I ditto Kaleigh on picking your battles, you''ve just gotten out of the gate here so to speak...

And a BIG CONGRATS lady!!

We now expect loads of pics of your rings.

 

[KimberlyH]

Rude? Absolutely. The end of the world? Not so much. It seems you've already decided to allow this to overshadow what appears to have been a quite lovely wedding where you made a commitment to the man of your dreams. The only people you are punishing are yourself and your new husband.

I ditto al's suggestion to let go of the need for an apology. Who wants an apology that's been demanded? You won't feel that it's sincere, even if it is at this point. Have a conversation with your MIL, tell her your hurt, and then move on, for your own sake and for the sake of your husband.

 

[swingirl]

How awful for you. I think she looked at the tart as a dessert that needed eating not a "wedding cake". It doesn''t sound like she is sorry so I wouldn''t expect a sincere apology. But mistakes, bad judgements and bad behavior happens and will happen again for this woman. She may feel awful and embarrassed or she may feel indifferent. Just move on and limit your contact with her for a while...or maybe forever if this seems like a pattern with her.

 

[canuk-gal]

Date: 7/6/2007 11:51:11 PM
Author: starryeyed



Thankfully she lives 30 minutes away!

HI:

Gosh, so close?

Hmmm, did you invite my MIL? Sounds like her MO.

Sorry for that intrusion into what otherwise sounded like a perfect wedding day. However insincere she chooses to be, do not find yourself so. First, give yourself some time, and distance yourself from the issue. When you feel ready to approach her, without accusations (or "you" type messages), simply discuss how the "incident" made you feel ("I" type messages). "I want to take this opportunity to thank you and FIL for helping with our wonderful day, however I felt very upset/shocked/confused when ......."I always understood that the cutting of the cake was part of the wedding ceremony between the bride and groom"......you get the idea. Stay focused and collected.

My own MIL likes to get off track and manipulate conversations to defend her often rash actions, but either my DH or I just say; "well, that's interesting, however I/we are talking about this issue now and, I felt that".....

Good luck.

Now WHERE are those pictures???????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

cheers--Sharon

 

[anchor31]

Date: 7/7/2007 12:49:55 AM
Author: starryeyed

Date: 7/7/2007 12:35:27 AM
Author: luckystar112
Has your MIL done anything else rude like this in the past, or is she just a loopy gal in general?

She doesn't seem to have a sense of propriety. She doesn't wait for the cook to sit down or for everyone to be served before she starts eating. She doesn't know how to use a soup spoon. Stuff like that. Her one daughter is extremely rude, and now I see it's because she doesn't know any better. The mother never taught her how to behave.

The one positive thing for me is that the rosy-colored glasses are off. I thought she was a much more well-mannered person and I couldn't understand a bunch of things she had done. Now everything is crystal clear - she's ignorant and doesn't know any better. I guess it's better I lower my expectations now.

It's not that she's a nasty person, although she is highly competitive. One of those types who puts on every crappy piece of jewelery she owns to make herself feel important. Ugh.

Ugh, she sounds A LOT like my FMIL... You have my sympathies. Some people just have no manners...

I can't believe she cut your tart, blamed your dad and never apologized. That too sounds like my FMIL, she pulled that kind of thing once...

I really hope things can get better for you!

And CONGRATULATIONS on your marriage!

 

[princesss]

Wow. Tacky tacky tacky. I''m sorry this happened, and I can understand your anger (I got an anger rush just reading about it). I think the suggestion of talking to her about it calmly is a good one, though. As hard as it may be, she needs to hear from you that you''re upset and why. Open communication is key.

I would have wanted my SO to realize how big that was right away, but I''m glad that once he found out how horrible it made you feel he backed you up. You two can present a united front to her on how unacceptable you find this without worrying that he''ll undermine your position if she contacts him on his own.

I''m so gald you guys had a back up tart! A cake at least you could have turned so the camera wouldn''t see the cuts...a tart you can see the top of from almost any angle. Grrrrrrr...

As good as it would feel, I think any small revenge things would only make it worse. It could spark years of problems, and in 15 years all the things you dread when she visits are going to seem so ridiculous if they all started because of a cake, even if it was at your wedding.

That said, I think daydreaming about doing things like letting a cat lick the icing off a cake she made can be wonderful. You can get the pleasure of "seeing" her reaction without causing too much damage. But talk to her, and then move on. A conversation will either show her that she needs to change or show you what to expect. Either way, I think it''ll set a better tone to your relationship with her than just stewing about it.

 

[Mara]

Date: 7/6/2007 11:16:18 PM
Author: luckystar112
I agree with you that it was rude of you MIL to cut your 'cake' without you.
But, I think you should let it go. Do you really want to start off your marriage (a merging of families) fighting with you MIL? I think you are overreacting with the 'Was she trying to ruin the reception' thing. A lot worse has happened!
Be glad that you got a picture with the other tart. Be glad you had a beautiful wedding. Be glad these people flew out to be with you on your special day. I'm sure the wedding was beautiful and wonderful beyond this. As awful as it is, I think you should choose your battles wisely. And if you can't, tell her YOURSELF that you would like an apology...don't get your DH into it. I don't think that's fair to him.

Congrats on your wedding!

I agree. We recently had this odd experience with my cousin and his new wife where she got offended at a joke we made, and stormed off and when we later tried to clear the air after a few days, they both got on our case about (a) waiting too long to say something and (b) not apologizing the way THEY wanted us to. Both of us were like 'whaaaa??' We extended the olive branch and they turned around and beat us with it. hehe.

In our family there are a lot of loose lips, so a lot of stuff gets said and done and everyone just shakes their head and chalks it up to 'oh that's family for you'...so that is how I tend to view things (aka when Grandma grabs my butt and goes 'are you gaining weight'...). This new wife doesn't work that way and so she thinks she is entitled to an apology the way she wants to get it. Somehow I think even if we said the things she wanted, she still would not feel better about it nor would it make it go away.

I think that inside it's okay to be outraged because that was pretty crappy of her, but I wouldn't demand an apology or anything like that. What are the chances you will really get it and asking your new husband to tell his mother to apologize is just seriously asking for it in my opinion...you really do not want to put him in the middle of his new wife and his mother...esp what if she says there's nothing to apologize for?

Take the high road, I have had to with family and in-laws before and while yeah a lot of times you feel like you SHOULDN'T have to be the mature one, it feels better when you are because you know inside you did the right thing and that is all that matters. But yes it's a sucky situ.

Good luck and CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!! Fruit tart sounds sooo yummy.

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 7/7/2007 11:17:11 AM
Author: KimberlyH
Rude? Absolutely. The end of the world? Not so much. It seems you've already decided to allow this to overshadow what appears to have been a quite lovely wedding where you made a commitment to the man of your dreams. The only people you are punishing are yourself and your new husband.


I ditto al's suggestion to let go of the need for an apology. Who wants an apology that's been demanded? You won't feel that it's sincere, even if it is at this point. Have a conversation with your MIL, tell her your hurt, and then move on, for your own sake and for the sake of your husband.

I agree. I think this is the best for everyone. But I am SOOOOO sorry that this happened to you. That was incredibly inconsiderate of her and only reflects poorly on HER not you and your new hubby.

And also...CONGRATS!!!

 

[havernell]

Have you thought about just forgiving her?

I think you should excercise your true compassion and empathy (since it sounds like your MIL was just never taught manners, which isn''t her fault) and just forgive her. Was she wrong? Yes. But you holding a grudge isn''t going to change that. Forgive and move on.

 

[ephemery1]

UGH, Starry, how annoying. I would have been so irritated.

I''m paying close attention to all the advice you''re getting, because we had an incident at our wedding that is still bugging me, 2 months later. Nothing horrible, but basically there was an incident with my cousin''s husband that involved the police, just as everyone was gathering outside to watch a fireworks display. Most of my friends and family were just downplaying it to everyone who asked questions: "oh I don''t think it''s a big deal, probably just a hotel guest", etc. But I found out later that DH''s cousin was walking around loudly whispering to people "Did you see that guy getting arrested?? It''s someone on the BRIDE''S side, not ours..." This is somebody who has always been very close to us, and it made me SO mad that she would be that tacky. I haven''t seen her since the wedding, and I''m still deciding whether I want to say anything to her when I do.

ANYWAY, I agree with the others that sometimes you have to pick your battles. In this case, it seems like maybe this is just the kind of person your MIL is, in which case addressing it might not make a difference. But if you think there is anything to be gained (either in your personal peace, or your future relationship with her)... then bring it up calmly. Or take TG''s approach.....

 

[FireGoddess]

I gotta say, if she was so tired, she should have just gone to bed *without* cake. I''m sure everyone was quite sufficiently shocked at her uncouth behavior that it clearly reflected badly on her. I''m sorry this happened. Nothing you can do to change it I''m afraid. But I''m loving TG''s suggestions at how to release your anger.

 

[ladyciel]

I tell ya, if there's any one trait I would say made me fall in love with my FF, it's his consideration for others, and I quickly discovered it's something he learned from his parents. I'm so sorry your MIL doesn't seem to have that gene.

I really wish people would not only learn some manners but also realize the point of all the rules is not to be snooty or uppity or put on airs - manners are how we show respect to those around us. So, it's a long-term plan, but if you plan to have children make sure you stock up on kids books that teach manners. Then get grandma to go read to the kids. Perhaps a kindergarten level will be able to get through to her.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Oh are you in for trouble! I have a feeling this is just the start of this kind of behavior! I hope your new hubby (congrats by the way!!!) stands up to her. You have every right to be angry. I am just so glad they had two torts so that you and your new DH could offically cut the first piece (of one of them anyways!) Hang in there!

 

[HappyAnniversary]

Starry-eyed--My jaw just dropped when I read what your MIL did! My first thought was passive-aggresive, was she unhappy with the idea of a destination wedding or unhappy the wedding cake didn''t look like a traditional cake so she wasn''t going to treat it like a wedding cake?

Best of luck to you in the future, be sure you and your husband stand together. I will never look at a tart the same way.

 

[starryeyed]

Thanks so much to all of you and your incredibly sound advice and support! You all are really helping me think through this.

So thanks Gypsy, Love in Bloom, KimH, anchor31, princess, neatfreak, firegoddess, lady ciel, tacori, and happy anniversary!

Rainydaze, swingirl, canuk-gal - you've given me excellent advice. Aljdewey, I read your message and thought - wow, that exactly what I need to say. Mara, I can tell you have experience with big families and differing personalities. I come from an incredibly small family of sensitive people, so this is especially hard for me. Ephemery I really hope this is helping you too - MIL's (I'm learning) can be tough. Ellen, no worries, ring pictures soon.

Havernell, your simple and poetic solution to just "forgive her" is probably where I will wind up, but I'm not quite there yet.

So time is helping me, as did a long conversation with my husband today. Apparently he talked to his older brother about it and his brother said, "Well, your wife is officially family now." Apparently, the mother has a habit of doing selfish outrageous things and everyone has suffered at one point or another. He also thought it was unacceptable and said he wouldn't be surprised if I didn't talk with her for the next 10 years!

I'm slowly calming down. I will eventually find it in my heart to forgive her. However, I know now to not let my guard down, to "manage" our interactions, to not turn my back, and to keep my expectations low. It's pretty clear to me that she is selfish and lacks manners - it's really been a revelation for me. I had such a high opinion of my MIL and now I think I am seeing her for what she really is.

I am also seeing the "family traits", who to steer clear of, and the general dynamic. Mara, you are probably much more use to this than me, but I'm learning fast and need to thicken my skin. Any good creams out there for that??

This has been a helluva way to start my marriage, but I'm getting a crash course in this family - character, strategic allegiances, weaknesses, etc. I didn't realize what I signed up for, but now I know. I have to be honest - I felt like walking out when it happened. Actually more like, running as far away as possible. Sleeping on it has helped, you guys have helped, conversations with my husband have helped.

I've almost given up the idea of getting an apology (she's too ignorant probably), but I will need to clear the air for myself at some point. Not for a while though. I think I need to work on bonding with my new husband right now, not his family.

 

[princesss]

Ok, silver lining:

This wasn''t about you. She''s done this to the rest of the family. It''s about her. Now you don''t have to take it personally or think that it''s any indication of what she thinks of you.

I think I forgot to say it before, but CONGRATULATIONS on your marriage!

 

[door knob solitaire]

I wanted to tell you I passed your situation on to several women including my MIL and mother they were all shocked. Sometimes it helps you deal with an issue knowing you are in the majority here. We all want to stone her. Sorry that is a tad rash...but we''ve got a barrel full!

In my original post on this thread, I cited the apology from a prod is never adequate. If a prodding produces a genuine response of sincerity, it can be. But forced to keep the peace...not so.

If you decide to talk to her...I think that her reply will be..."well you had TWO tarts...I didn''t see the harm". I really think this will be said because she seems to be one not willing to take blame or own her mistakes. I tell you this so you can practice holding your response. If that is said to you...you know where you stand. Nothing you can say will redeem your view or the validate the error aspect of her action. She is right and not willing to bend. But you should.

Don''t let this incident allow her to set the higharchy. The next what ever call her on it right then. Don''t ask anyone to do it for you. You hold your future in your action. Don''t allow her or anyone else to walk on you. There will never be any respect. Think ROCK SISSOR PAPER...

DKS