Moving in together.

[bee*]

I moved in with DH after we got engaged. We were together 8 years prior to that (started dating at 17), but we both agreed not to move in until after we got engaged. We're both quite independent and enjoyed our time not living together as much as we now enjoy our time living with each other. I don't agree with those books at all. DH and I have travelled for months together prior to ever living with each other so we had definitely seen each other at our worst!

 

[smiles]

I believe I have written on this topic before so I will keep it short and sweet! I did my undergrad thesis on this subject as it really interested me and to qualify what some have already said, research shows that cohabitation generally (there are always exceptions) leads to positive results when the couple have already decided that they want to get married and have a firm timeline in place. I would be happy to post more information or sources if anyone is interested.

 

[Haven]

I think that self awareness and is the key to making the right decision for any couple in this situation.

BEFORE people can really decide to move in with someone, I think they need to be very honest with themselves, and with their partner, about their expectations for moving in together. Do you consider this a "test" of the relationship and whether it has marriage potential? If so, are you comfortable moving OUT if you decide it isn't going to work? And, is your partner on the same page? -OR- Do you consider this a step towards marriage, and if so, how long will you be happy living with someone before an engagement and marriage? And is your partner on the same page?

My husband and I were engaged after three years, married after four, and have been married since July of 2008. We never lived together because that was the choice that was best for us. I know myself enough to know that I only wanted to live with ONE person, and that was going to be the person I married. In other words, I never wanted to move OUT, and so I wasn't comfortable viewing the living together as a test of marriage.

As for the issue of really knowing each other and seeing everything--the good, the bad, and the ugly--I feel that we did that without officially living together. In the four years that we dated before marriage we spent weekends together, we traveled together, we nursed each other back to health when we were sick, etc. etc.

I think that an individual's general views on life play into this decision as well. DH and I are s-l-o-w movers when it comes to making big changes, and we are typically of the "why rush when you can take it easy?" mentality, so it was no surprise to anyone that we didn't want to live together before we were married. On the other hand, I have friends who are of the opposite mentality, and they think "If it's going to happen eventually, why not start now?" and I can respect that, too.

I think that there are a million anecdotes to confirm or deny any position you could take on this issue. The only thing that really matters is that you and your partner are both completely confident in your decision, and committed to the same outcome, whatever that may be.

(edited for spelling)

 

[galeteia]

I believe I have written on this topic before so I will keep it short and sweet! I did my undergrad thesis on this subject as it really interested me and to qualify what some have already said, research shows that cohabitation generally (there are always exceptions) leads to positive results when the couple have already decided that they want to get married and have a firm timeline in place. I would be happy to post more information or sources if anyone is interested.

Yes please!

SO leaves his APA journals in the washroom and I have collected all sorts of random tidbits of info without having the links to the studies to back it up.

I believe I read that although it is true that cohabitated couples have a higher rate of divorce, couples who did not live together first have a higher rate of unhappy marriages. (I notice no one who bandies around the "cohabitation causes divorce!" cry never mention that part, hah!) The correlation does not equal causation side of it is that couples who get married after cohabitation due to the inertia aspect throws off the divorce numbers, as does the couples who do not live together for religious reasons who are unhappily married but will not divorce for those same religious reasons.

 

[stepcutgirl]

I haven't read all the responses but this is my feelings. 1)I'm getting married in a month and I have lived with my fiance for 4 years. 2) Fiance is the only man I've ever lived with and the only one who I've been engaged to. 3) I think it's very important whether you choose to live together or not to know and see each other at your worst.

These book you are reading (stop reading them) is basically telling you to prance around and be a pretty little princess and not show your real self. Even the nicest, prettiest, kindest person has a bad side....and that is not them not wearing makeup!

I think it's bait and switch to only show each other the "good" sides of each other and not let them see you when you're at your worst. Shouldn't each side get to see the whole picture to decide if that person is right for them?

 

[Asscherhalo_lover]

I think it depends on what type of woman you are. I knew with my now DH then boyfriend that he would need to be 100% OK with anything I might do and that I would want to be 100% OK with anything he might do. This is the man who would be taking care of me for the rest of my life, good or bad, and vice versa. For me, if he were to be offended by anything I do to the point where he wouldn't want to marry me, he wouldn't have been the man for me.

We moved in together and have now been married over two years. We hide nothing from each other and I am grateful to have at least one person in my life who I am truly comfortable with.

Good Luck!

 

[smiles]

[quote="Galateia|1289693598|2765054
Yes please!

SO leaves his APA journals in the washroom and I have collected all sorts of random tidbits of info without having the links to the studies to back it up.

I believe I read that although it is true that cohabitated couples have a higher rate of divorce, couples who did not live together first have a higher rate of unhappy marriages. (I notice no one who bandies around the "cohabitation causes divorce!" cry never mention that part, hah!) The correlation does not equal causation side of it is that couples who get married after cohabitation due to the inertia aspect throws off the divorce numbers, as does the couples who do not live together for religious reasons who are unhappily married but will not divorce for those same religious reasons.[/quote]

my thesis was actually about what factors influence people to make the decision about cohabitation vs. not but I have related info... going to pull it out... here are some interesting thoughts...

1. Today cohabitation can be divided into four main categories: Premarital cohabiters who have never been previously married but do intend to marry, long-term cohabiters who have not been previously married nor do they intend on marrying, marriage renouncing cohabiters who have previously been married and do not intend to marry again, and marriage idealising cohabiters who have previously been married and intend to marry again (Buchler, Baxter, Haynes, & Wester, 2009).

2. Lehman (2005) identifies four main motives for cohabiting: Emancipation - where at least one partner is seeking to break away from the influences of parents; Convenience - where the relationship serves a purpose for both partners without the risk of long-term commitment; Linus Blanket - where a dependent partner grabs onto the relationship in any way they can; Testing – where cohabiting is used as a way of testing the relationship; if the test goes well they marry and if it doesn’t they separate.

3. Approximately 50% of cohabiting couples plan to marry their partner with an additional 30% who think they might marry their cohabiting partner. Approximately 25% of cohabiting couples disagree about their future plans (Thornton, Axinn & Xie, 2007).

4.It has been found that of all cohabiting unions, about half end up in marriage to their current partners. (Brown & Snyder, 2006; Kiernan, 2002).

5. Ninety percent of cohabiting unions end in marriage or break up within five years. (Brown & Snyder, 2006; Kiernan, 2002).

6. Cohabiters have up to an 80% higher rate of marital dissolution with the rate decreasing with time after the first two years and becoming insignificant after 8 years. Over half of cohabiting relationships end in separation within 5 years regardless of whether or not they were legalized through marriage. This is compared to 20% of marriages that end within 5 years. (Martin et al., 2001; Stafford et al., 2004; Kiernan, 2002; Smock & Gupta, 2002; Brien et al., 2006).

 

[galeteia]

Yes please!

SO leaves his APA journals in the washroom and I have collected all sorts of random tidbits of info without having the links to the studies to back it up.

I believe I read that although it is true that cohabitated couples have a higher rate of divorce, couples who did not live together first have a higher rate of unhappy marriages. (I notice no one who bandies around the "cohabitation causes divorce!" cry never mention that part, hah!) The correlation does not equal causation side of it is that couples who get married after cohabitation due to the inertia aspect throws off the divorce numbers, as does the couples who do not live together for religious reasons who are unhappily married but will not divorce for those same religious reasons.

my thesis was actually about what factors influence people to make the decision about cohabitation vs. not but I have related info... going to pull it out... here are some interesting thoughts...

1. Today cohabitation can be divided into four main categories: Premarital cohabiters who have never been previously married but do intend to marry, long-term cohabiters who have not been previously married nor do they intend on marrying, marriage renouncing cohabiters who have previously been married and do not intend to marry again, and marriage idealising cohabiters who have previously been married and intend to marry again (Buchler, Baxter, Haynes, & Wester, 2009).

2. Lehman (2005) identifies four main motives for cohabiting: Emancipation - where at least one partner is seeking to break away from the influences of parents; Convenience - where the relationship serves a purpose for both partners without the risk of long-term commitment; Linus Blanket - where a dependent partner grabs onto the relationship in any way they can; Testing – where cohabiting is used as a way of testing the relationship; if the test goes well they marry and if it doesn’t they separate.

3. Approximately 50% of cohabiting couples plan to marry their partner with an additional 30% who think they might marry their cohabiting partner. Approximately 25% of cohabiting couples disagree about their future plans (Thornton, Axinn & Xie, 2007).

4.It has been found that of all cohabiting unions, about half end up in marriage to their current partners. (Brown & Snyder, 2006; Kiernan, 2002).

5. Ninety percent of cohabiting unions end in marriage or break up within five years. (Brown & Snyder, 2006; Kiernan, 2002).

6. Cohabiters have up to an 80% higher rate of marital dissolution with the rate decreasing with time after the first two years and becoming insignificant after 8 years. Over half of cohabiting relationships end in separation within 5 years regardless of whether or not they were legalized through marriage. This is compared to 20% of marriages that end within 5 years. (Martin et al., 2001; Stafford et al., 2004; Kiernan, 2002; Smock & Gupta, 2002; Brien et al., 2006).

Interesting that 50% of cohabitating couples will split within 5 years regardless of if they marry or not, and that again in 5 years cohabitating couples will either split or marry. It implies that most relationships have a shelf life of approximately 5 years max unless there are other factors at play. Are there stats on the divorce rate of the different types of couples, such as the Convenience vs the Testing types?

I would imagine that Emancipation and Convenience result in the highest divorce rates, considering that neither is about the relationship itself so much as outside circumstances.

 

[smiles]

Yes please!

SO leaves his APA journals in the washroom and I have collected all sorts of random tidbits of info without having the links to the studies to back it up.

I believe I read that although it is true that cohabitated couples have a higher rate of divorce, couples who did not live together first have a higher rate of unhappy marriages. (I notice no one who bandies around the "cohabitation causes divorce!" cry never mention that part, hah!) The correlation does not equal causation side of it is that couples who get married after cohabitation due to the inertia aspect throws off the divorce numbers, as does the couples who do not live together for religious reasons who are unhappily married but will not divorce for those same religious reasons.

my thesis was actually about what factors influence people to make the decision about cohabitation vs. not but I have related info... going to pull it out... here are some interesting thoughts...

1. Today cohabitation can be divided into four main categories: Premarital cohabiters who have never been previously married but do intend to marry, long-term cohabiters who have not been previously married nor do they intend on marrying, marriage renouncing cohabiters who have previously been married and do not intend to marry again, and marriage idealising cohabiters who have previously been married and intend to marry again (Buchler, Baxter, Haynes, & Wester, 2009).

2. Lehman (2005) identifies four main motives for cohabiting: Emancipation - where at least one partner is seeking to break away from the influences of parents; Convenience - where the relationship serves a purpose for both partners without the risk of long-term commitment; Linus Blanket - where a dependent partner grabs onto the relationship in any way they can; Testing – where cohabiting is used as a way of testing the relationship; if the test goes well they marry and if it doesn’t they separate.

3. Approximately 50% of cohabiting couples plan to marry their partner with an additional 30% who think they might marry their cohabiting partner. Approximately 25% of cohabiting couples disagree about their future plans (Thornton, Axinn & Xie, 2007).

4.It has been found that of all cohabiting unions, about half end up in marriage to their current partners. (Brown & Snyder, 2006; Kiernan, 2002).

5. Ninety percent of cohabiting unions end in marriage or break up within five years. (Brown & Snyder, 2006; Kiernan, 2002).

6. Cohabiters have up to an 80% higher rate of marital dissolution with the rate decreasing with time after the first two years and becoming insignificant after 8 years. Over half of cohabiting relationships end in separation within 5 years regardless of whether or not they were legalized through marriage. This is compared to 20% of marriages that end within 5 years. (Martin et al., 2001; Stafford et al., 2004; Kiernan, 2002; Smock & Gupta, 2002; Brien et al., 2006).

Interesting that 50% of cohabitating couples will split within 5 years regardless of if they marry or not, and that again in 5 years cohabitating couples will either split or marry. It implies that most relationships have a shelf life of approximately 5 years max unless there are other factors at play. Are there stats on the divorce rate of the different types of couples, such as the Convenience vs the Testing types?

I would imagine that Emancipation and Convenience result in the highest divorce rates, considering that neither is about the relationship itself so much as outside circumstances.

The research about cohabitation that actually differentiates between different types of cohabitors is fairly new. Anyone who cohabited used to be lumped together in the same group. I agree on your comments regarding Emancipation and Convenience. I personally think Linus blanket sums up the story of a person who moves in with a partner in the hopes that it will push the relationship forward whereas the other person doesn't see it that way at all and is happy to never formalize the committment. I find testing extremely interesting though because you'd think that if it was effective, the theory would be true in reality that fewer cohabiting couples who marry end up divorcing - but that's just not true. The research I have done suggests it could be because people who engage in testing are people who are less likely to commit fully and wouldn't worry about pulling out of the relationship at anytime if it wasn't going well vs. sticking around and working it out... it's food for thought... I don't have number to back this up though. I would guess that you will see more research about this as cohabitation becomes more and more common.

 

[PrincessNatalie]

I would be interested to find out if these numbers are also affected by age groups.

I know its easier to move in with someone than to agree to marry, and a lot of girls move in with their boyfriends just out of school, because its also a lot more cost effective when you are young and don't have a lot of money.

 

[galeteia]

I would be interested to find out if these numbers are also affected by age groups.

I know its easier to move in with someone than to agree to marry, and a lot of girls move in with their boyfriends just out of school, because its also a lot more cost effective when you are young and don't have a lot of money.

I'd also really like to see numbers on the happiness in the marriages of cohabitating vs. non-cohabitating groups. It seems that cohabitators are more likely to exit a soured marriage when things go bad instead of sticking it out to see if things get better, so I'm curious as to what possible effects non-cohabitation has on the quality of people's marriage. By 'effect' I mean effect on the numbers, before anyone gets their feathers ruffled.

 

[nicoleben]

I personally beleive every relationship is different. My fiance and I moved in after 4 months together, and we couldn't be happier!! I work two jobs, and I usually come home to find the house clean, the laundry done and everything all by my fiance! I guess you could say I am lucky! He has seen me at my worst by the 3rd date probably and still thinks I am beautiful

 

[lilyfoot]

My DH very happily and of his own free will proposed after 6 months of living together, and officially "bought the cow" 4 months after that (we were dating the same amount of time). I loved living together, the topic of marriage was never taboo in our relationship, and we both knew what we wanted right from the beginning.

ETA: We did not move in together for financial reasons, etc. We moved in together solely to be able to see each other more, and spend more time together.

 

[AdanaEsq]

I agree with everyone who said every relationship/situation is different. K and I don't live together now. I might consider it after we are engaged and have a date set. I lived with my ex husband after we were evaded for a year or two before the wedding (long engagement b/c I was in school), I don't think living together before we were married played a part in ending our 10 year relationship but that said, I personally would feel better with a solid commitment prior to living together. I het that sone people think living together has no negative effect on a guy proposing but I've known a few "why rock the boat" guys as well as ones who would never marry someone without living together.

 

[prettybug]

No way I would move in with my FH before I am married! You could get used/playing house,etc.....He can wait, thats if he really loves you.... thts just my opinion

 

[Autumnovember]

No way I would move in with my FH before I am married! You could get used/playing house,etc.....He can wait, thats if he really loves you.... thts just my opinion

"He can wait, thats if he really loves you" ----->

 

[wakingdreams53]

Just in time, Yahoo News:
Four in 10 say marriage is becoming obsolete
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/us_declining_marriage

 

[maebelle]

Just in time, Yahoo News:
Four in 10 say marriage is becoming obsolete
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/us_declining_marriage

I love that that is the title they used when it says right in the article that the majority of unmarried couples living together see it as a step towards marriage.

 

[Pandora II]

Would never marry a man I hadn't lived with beforehand. This is real life one lives in, not a romance novel and I want to know everything I can about my potential life-partner before I sign up for life.

I've lived with 4 different men - the first for 4 years during college, the next for two years, the one after that for 18 months and my husband and I have been together for 6.5 years and living together for all but the first 3 months.

I lived with people for financial convenience and to see whether they could potentially be the one but with no 'hoping this will make them propose'. All of them proposed to me, I only accepted my husband's proposal and I broke off all the other relationships, so I don't think the 'getting the cow for free' argument holds water.

I never moved in hoping for an engagement. I trusted that if the relationship felt right for both parties then marriage would follow. DH took 2.5 years to propose despite us both knowing pretty much that the relationship was for life within days/weeks of meeting, but I was his first serious girlfriend and following his parent's messy divorce when he was in his teens he would have preferred a formal "living together forever" commitment but not "marriage". I said it had to be marriage and 6 months later we were engaged - I never put pressure on but I made it clear what I needed. He knew that I cared more about being married than he did about not being married and loved me enough to want me to be happy.

If I hadn't lived with the others I probably wouldn't have known just how right this relationship was and how compatible we really were.

We are blissfully happy, have never had a row and now have an 18 month old daughter. Marriage does feel different from living together, so I didn't lose any of the newly-wed excitement especially as we bought a new house 2 months after the wedding, but also knew that there were no unpleasant suprises potentially round the corner.

IMHO the problem comes when people marry because the feel they ought to because they've been together so long and it would be a hassle to split up. Also agree that men marry when the time is right and the girl they marry is the one that is there and feels right at the time.

Oh, I have never had joint finances, even now DH and I have our own accounts. We were in our 30's when we met and too used to having things separate.

Following my sister's unhappy marriage where she married a man she didn't live with till engagement (when she found out how wrong things were but didn't call it off) my parents won't allow any marriages where we haven't lived together for at least a year.

One thing I would not do however is to have children outside marriage. We didn't start trying for a baby until our wedding night - despite my doctor berating me for waiting so long at 35 when I was in a committed relationship... he thought I was nuts for waiting for the ink to be dry on the marriage certificate!

 

[princesss]

I'm thrilled I lived with my ex. Hands down it was one of the best decisions I ever made.

We intended on getting married, and we decided to move in together. It just felt like a really natural step in the relationship. I learned so much about him and about myself - including the fact that I couldn't see myself marrying him. I saw him at his worst (depressed, unemployed, angry) and realized (and I know this is kind of taboo to say because he was depressed) that I really couldn't respect how little initiative he took to change things and fix things to make his life better. I never would have known he was like that if we didn't live together. When he lived on his own, he would only show me the positive side - he applied to so many jobs today, blah blah blah. It was always very positive. It wasn't until I came home and saw how little he did every day and how he resisted every suggestion for ways to improve his situation EVEN WHEN HE ASKED FOR HELP. He just wanted to kind of float along, and I can't be around that. But he knew who I wanted him to be and when we didn't live together, that's the only side I saw (kind of like what those books are suggesting). It was hugely eye opening for me to live with him and see *everything* about him (and we'd been together almost 5 years when we moved in together).

Anyways, I'm a big believer in cohabitation. I definitely plan on living with the next guy I get serious about. The best thing about cohabiting is you get the best result for you either way - you either end a relationship that isn't right for yor or you get married! You just have to know you'll walk away if you don't think it's right. Ending things with my ex was hard and complicated, but it was the right thing to do and once I knew it had to be done, I did it.

 

[prettybug]

I have a question for all that thinks that moving in together before being married......Do you have "sex" while living togther or do you really try to see if he is the ONE????/ Hope Im not digging 2 deep.

 

[prettybug]

*is ok* to move in as BF and GF......

 

[galeteia]

I have a question for all that thinks that moving in together before being married......Do you have "sex" while living togther or do you really try to see if he is the ONE????/ Hope Im not digging 2 deep.

Of course, as that's one of the ways in which you can see if he is The ONE.

I was actually going to say "why buy the horse before you test it's gait" but didn't want to be too crude. I had an ex who was impotent from a **** addiction for which he refused to seek therapy. THANK GOD I did not marry him before I found THAT out. There were no signs for the months we dated before we became intimate, and it was one of the most degrading, esteem-killing, depression-causing torments I have ever had to deal with. He tried to blame me, in various ways, for his affliction in an attempt to avoid taking responsibility for it.

Again, thank sweet flaming mercy I did not shackle myself to that hot mess before the sh*t hit the bedroom fan. It's a truism that couples fight about money or sex. IMO, couples need to be sure they are compatible both financially and sexually before they decide to commit themselves to a life together.

Incidentally, what SO and I fight about who is the guilty party who messes up the sheets at night, whether I should tell him to take out the garbage vs him just doing it, and whether it is his responsibility to tell me when he is running low on socks and undershirts. None of the above keep me up at night from anxiety or leave me crying myself to sleep. Money and sex is something we sorted out at the start of our relationship before we agreed that marriage was where we would end up.

 

[Indylady]

I am really enjoying this thread!

There have been many threads on living together in the past, but I enjoy it nonetheless when new threads are started and I get to read the responses of current LIW's.

 

[beesha77]

I think if there's a ring and a date it's ok but other than that i don't agree with it. I also have 3 kids, so we definitely won't be moving in together first.

 

[SomethingSinful]

*is ok* to move in as BF and GF......

Yes it is.

I have a question for all that thinks that moving in together before being married......Do you have "sex" while living togther or do you really try to see if he is the ONE????/ Hope Im not digging 2 deep.

Are you asking if the only reason to move in is to have sex? Can you clarify your question as I find it to be unclear? I want to make sure we are on the same page.

 

[pancake]

I don't think we would have even talked about getting married (in serious, practical terms) without living together for a while and knowing that it worked. As it was, we lived together for just under a year before getting engaged, and got married a couple of months later. Once we knew that we could live together harmoniously (best of times, worst of times) and work through issues in a functional and healthy way, we were happy to make the "forever" call. In our case, I don't think we could have figured that out without living together first.

 

[prettybug]

No...I was trying to understand what goes on when living with the OTHER. R u doing all the things a wife would do? I feel like there r some who may be getting used.

 

[princesss]

No...I was trying to understand what goes on when living with the OTHER. R u doing all the things a wife would do? I feel like there r some who may be getting used.

Yes, we had sex. We essentially lived as a married couple, and while it worked it was lovely. The general plan was to get engaged when he had a good job, and then get married a few months after that. (Obviously that didn't work out.) I don't think it would have held us up from getting engaged at all. But then, I don't feel like I need to hold back any part of myself from a guy I intend to marry. I want to go in with my eyes wide open, and want him to do the same. Other couples may not need to live together or do things my way to feel like they're going in with full knowledge of their partner, but that was the right choice for me and I can't imagine agreeing to marry anybody I hadn't lived with.

 

[SomethingSinful]

No...I was trying to understand what goes on when living with the OTHER. R u doing all the things a wife would do? I feel like there r some who may be getting used.

Haha, I'm glad I asked you to clarify; I understand your question much better now. I hate to say it, but there are always cases of people using other people. Someone out there is getting used and most likely they are using their "partner" too. In my current relationship some people would think I use my partner or that he uses me, but to us we have a mutually beneficial relationship. We understand what we want from each other and we provide it. Right now we do not live with each other. I am in NC and he is in L.A., but I will be moving soon. When we live together, he will be the breadwinner and I will take care of the home-front for the most part. He is more suited for that role as he has a higher education and, even though I want to go to school, I have no interest in having long working hours. I think his support is a fair trade for mine.
p.s. What are all the things a wife would do?