Moving in together.

[slg47]

I think the living together arrangement is different for every couple. I'm sure that some have intimate relations and some do not. I'm going to say again that the key for making it work, if you choose to live together, or not, is clear communication about what your expectations are.

 

[Brown.Eyed.Girl]

No...I was trying to understand what goes on when living with the OTHER. R u doing all the things a wife would do? I feel like there r some who may be getting used.

Yes, we had sex. We essentially lived as a married couple, and while it worked it was lovely. The general plan was to get engaged when he had a good job, and then get married a few months after that. (Obviously that didn't work out.) I don't think it would have held us up from getting engaged at all. But then, I don't feel like I need to hold back any part of myself from a guy I intend to marry. I want to go in with my eyes wide open, and want him to do the same. Other couples may not need to live together or do things my way to feel like they're going in with full knowledge of their partner, but that was the right choice for me and I can't imagine agreeing to marry anybody I hadn't lived with.

Ditto to what Princesss said. I support cohabitation for me. I lived with my ex for most of the three years we were together (we moved fast) and while we eventually broke up, it wasn't because we lived together. More, it was because we were heading in VERY different life directions.

However, I do have to add my own personal caveat, which is that we would probably have broken up MUCH sooner (say, last Dec./Jan. when we really started discussing that we should break up) versus when we actually DID break up (August) if we hadn't lived together. Basically, it was a huge PITA to separate our stuff, for him to move out, my rent would increase by a lot, he would need to find a place to live, etc. etc. Basically we got lazy and stayed together for the last 7-8 months out of pure inertia and the complicated logistics of separating your lives and the relationship when you live together.

Which means the lesson I learned is - for me, cohabitation before marriage = good. But, cohabitation TOO SOON = potentially quite bad.

 

[princesss]

I have a question for all that thinks that moving in together before being married......Do you have "sex" while living togther or do you really try to see if he is the ONE????/ Hope Im not digging 2 deep.

Wait, does not having sex with a guy prove that he's "the one"? This is an honest question - I'm trying to see where you're coming from because I really don't understand the leap between not having sex and determining if the guy is "the one". I have plenty of friends that don't believe in sex before marriage, and I fully support them and am very proud of them for sticking to their guns, but I've never once had anybody tell me that the way to find out if a guy is the one is to abstain. Can you elaborate?

 

[princesss]

i think the reasons your book gave are stupid. however i still don't agree with living together before. anytime you have sex before marriage you are putting yourself in a position to get used because you aren't fully committed to each other. it increases the chances of the relationship not working out also. and this is coming from a guy.

What if I'm just using him?

 

[HopeDream]

Sex is very important to know about!

I thought my first boyfriend was "The One" - we were very alike, had the same interests, could finish each other's sentences, got along really well etc. I moved in with him after 2 years and we live together for 6 months before finally sleeping together. We had zero sexual chemistry. Lots of romantic love, no mojo - It was a huge disapointment.

Try before you buy ladies!

 

[prettybug]

by HopeDream » 22 Nov 2010 20:55
Sex is very important to know about!

I thought my first boyfriend was "The One" - we were very alike, had the same interests, could finish each other's sentences, got along really well etc. I moved in with him after 2 years and we live together for 6 months before finally sleeping together. We had zero sexual chemistry. Lots of romantic love, no mojo - It was a huge disapointment.

Try before you buy ladies!



love this post

 

[Autumnovember]

I have a question for all that thinks that moving in together before being married......Do you have "sex" while living togther or do you really try to see if he is the ONE????/ Hope Im not digging 2 deep.

Wait, does not having sex with a guy prove that he's "the one"? This is an honest question - I'm trying to see where you're coming from because I really don't understand the leap between not having sex and determining if the guy is "the one". I have plenty of friends that don't believe in sex before marriage, and I fully support them and am very proud of them for sticking to their guns, but I've never once had anybody tell me that the way to find out if a guy is the one is to abstain. Can you elaborate?

Yeah, please elaborate prettybug. I'm curious too.

I'm also curious about your previous post where you said if he waits to live with you until you're married he must be "the one" and he must "really love you"......????

 

[galeteia]

Try before you buy ladies!

Yes, because when you find THE ONE, you stagger out of the car, your hair looks like you've been in a wind tunnel, your eyes have a maniacal glow, your cheeks are flushed, and you whip out your pocketbook and shriek "I'LL TAKE IT!"

 

[HopeDream]

Try before you buy ladies!

Yes, because when you find THE ONE, you stagger out of the car, your hair looks like you've been in a wind tunnel, your eyes have a maniacal glow, your cheeks are flushed, and you whip out your pocketbook and shriek "I'LL TAKE IT!"

I know I did !

 

[iota15]

Try before you buy ladies!

Yes, because when you find THE ONE, you stagger out of the car, your hair looks like you've been in a wind tunnel, your eyes have a maniacal glow, your cheeks are flushed, and you whip out your pocketbook and shriek "I'LL TAKE IT!"

 

[FuturePsyD]

Try before you buy ladies!

Yes, because when you find THE ONE, you stagger out of the car, your hair looks like you've been in a wind tunnel, your eyes have a maniacal glow, your cheeks are flushed, and you whip out your pocketbook and shriek "I'LL TAKE IT!"

yesssss

 

[DolceJo]

I have read a couple of books lately that have tried to indicate it was a bad decision to move in with D.

They seem to think you should keep SO from seeing you at your worst (examples given were with no make up, yelling at the next door neighbours dog to quit barking) if you are serious about wanting a ring.

I am super frustrated every time I read something like this because honestly, if a guy doesn’t want to marry me after seeing me at my worst, then he does not deserve me at my best. It makes me want to throw these books at a wall. I have to live with him first too, and I still freaking want to marry him!

I know some engaged ladies still read this forum, do any of you honestly think moving in before engagement hampered or delayed the engagement? Or does anyone think not doing so helped?

The girls who are still LIW in both camps (live together and don’t), what are your thoughts on the issue?

I don't know what others have replied, so forgive me if I'm giving a repeated opinion/advice.

First thing you should do is toss those books. Nothing will help you determine what is right or wrong for your relationship other than the ones in that relationship: You + you're bf/gf.

Secondly, the worst thing to do is set expectations, especially those based on experiences from others. You can't live life expecting things to go one way or the other unless you try it yourself.

With that being said, I was the first person to tell you that living with a bf/gf BEFORE marriage was a no-no, let alone living together while engaged. Well, that all changed when I met my boyfriend 5 years ago. It was my first serious relationship, and 3-4 years into the relationship, we began talking marriage. At year 4, we began looking for rings, here and there. Year 5, we knew we wanted to marry each other, he purchased a diamond, and a few months later I moved in. We've been living together since June of this year, and I do not regret it one bit. Yes, we've had our bad moments, and amazing ones too, but living together has only solidified the love and respect we share for one another. And I'm now patiently waiting for my ring

Ultimately, it will be your choice. Only you know what is right or wrong for you. Once you know, you will know, so always take things in stride. Good luck with everything!

oh and p.s., about the sex, my motto is: It's not over until he says "WOW".

 

[princesss]

I have read a couple of books lately that have tried to indicate it was a bad decision to move in with D.

They seem to think you should keep SO from seeing you at your worst (examples given were with no make up, yelling at the next door neighbours dog to quit barking) if you are serious about wanting a ring.

I am super frustrated every time I read something like this because honestly, if a guy doesn’t want to marry me after seeing me at my worst, then he does not deserve me at my best. It makes me want to throw these books at a wall. I have to live with him first too, and I still freaking want to marry him!

I know some engaged ladies still read this forum, do any of you honestly think moving in before engagement hampered or delayed the engagement? Or does anyone think not doing so helped?

The girls who are still LIW in both camps (live together and don’t), what are your thoughts on the issue?

I don't know what others have replied, so forgive me if I'm giving a repeated opinion/advice.

First thing you should do is toss those books. Nothing will help you determine what is right or wrong for your relationship other than the ones in that relationship: You + you're bf/gf.

Secondly, the worst thing to do is set expectations, especially those based on experiences from others. You can't live life expecting things to go one way or the other unless you try it yourself.

With that being said, I was the first person to tell you that living with a bf/gf BEFORE marriage was a no-no, let alone living together while engaged. Well, that all changed when I met my boyfriend 5 years ago. It was my first serious relationship, and 3-4 years into the relationship, we began talking marriage. At year 4, we began looking for rings, here and there. Year 5, we knew we wanted to marry each other, he purchased a diamond, and a few months later I moved in. We've been living together since June of this year, and I do not regret it one bit. Yes, we've had our bad moments, and amazing ones too, but living together has only solidified the love and respect we share for one another. And I'm now patiently waiting for my ring

Ultimately, it will be your choice. Only you know what is right or wrong for you. Once you know, you will know, so always take things in stride. Good luck with everything!

oh and p.s., about the sex, my motto is: It's not over until he says "WOW".

Great post.

Re: the bolded - you're nicer than I am! My rule is it's not over until I can't say anything.

 

[rosetta]

Try before you buy ladies!

Yes, because when you find THE ONE, you stagger out of the car, your hair looks like you've been in a wind tunnel, your eyes have a maniacal glow, your cheeks are flushed, and you whip out your pocketbook and shriek "I'LL TAKE IT!"

yesssss

and then you get right back in that car....

 

[elrohwen]

I lived with my FI before we got engaged and I don't think it had any effect on when we got engaged.
I wouldn't agree to marry anyone I hadn't lived with, but that's just me.

Either he's going to marry you, or he's not. If living together helps him/you feel more ready to take the next step then do it. If you're not "the one" then living together or not isn't going to change that.

I totally agree with this. I don't think moving in together ruins relationships - I just think it makes them messier to get out of when you realize you don't want to marry the person you're with.

Neither DH nor I wanted to get married before we had lived together. After a year of dating we moved in together, with the understanding that if things worked out, we would get engaged. For the first 6 months we lived together we discussed engagement, I looked at rings, etc but we didn't end up getting engaged until we'd lived together for about a year, which was exactly the timeline we had planned.

I think some couples get into trouble where there is no previous discussion of getting engaged after moving in, so Girl moves in with Guy assuming they will get engaged, when Guy has no intentions of proposing. As long as things are clear up front and living together works for you as a couple, I certainly don't think it will make you less likely to get engaged.

I can see living together adding time before engagement though. When you're just dating, and you really want to be together all of the time, it could cause a couple to rush engagement just to start living together. Personally, I'd rather live together and date a little longer (maybe 6-12 months longer) to make sure things are right, rather than rushing into engagement and regretting it (engagement is messier to get out of than living together!)