My New DIL Thinks I'm a MONSTER

[iLander]

Begonia - Thank you, you're very kind to say that.

arkieb1 - Fingers crossed on having access to any grandkids, but not holding my breath.

 

[Jambalaya]

I read the whole thing, too. The dynamics herein have exercised my mind at various times in my life: being married, being a DIL, being a bereaved adult child; and although not having children myself, having witnessed how friends' adult children treat them in their third age. Circle of life stuff, I guess.

I certainly have many friends whose adult kids at 40-plus treat them like sh*t. These were kids who were utterly beloved. Whether they were spoilt materially or not I can't say, but the children were deeply loved. Many times, they just used their parents for resources and that was it. You are far from alone, ilander.

But in a way, maybe it's better that they're not over-dependent. I was always tight with my darling parents and when they died my world fell to pieces. You wouldn't want them to feel like that, either.

But there should be a happy balance. Why can't there be a happy balance? Unfortunately, that would require a perfect world.

I always wonder how the difficult/spoilt/blinkered adult child will feel when their parent dies. I have witnessed one such situation close-up and the spoilt adult child was very upset at the parent's death but got over it and didn't seem to experience undue guilt. But I always think, if they were going to experience guilt, they wouldn't have acted that way in the first place.

I don't know what the answer is. I know one man who I've known for almost fifty years and he is one of the loveliest people you could ever hope to meet, but his DIL will not speak to him, which means he doesn't see much of his DS or grandson. When this man's wife and mother of their DS was alive, they wouldn't have dared to treat him this way. He is a softie and she was a pistol. But she died, and then the evil DIL took over. DIL is foreign and I think the DS is afraid that if he stands up to her, she will take their son back to her country and the DS will hardly see his own son. So the DS puts up with his dad being treated like sh*t by his wife. They were supposed to go to him for Christmas and the DIL refused to go at the last minute, so the nice man was left sitting on his own with $200 of food that he'd bought. Now he spends Christmas with friends. And I can tell you, this man is one of life's true gentlemen. My family have known him since before I was born and we know that he is truly lovely. We never, ever dreamed that someone like him would have ended up in this position. His late DW would turn in her grave. I can only hope that the nasty DIL's own DIL treats her the same way one day.

There's not much point to this, Ilander, except to say that it seems to happen to the best of us. You can't choose your DIL, and all I can suggest is that you hold your head high, behave as well as possible so she's got nothing on you with which to estrange your DS further, and keep the lines of communication open as much as possible, especially with your DS. I would strongly urge you not to give up. Your DIL would probably love it if you disappeared into the deep blue yonder. Well, don't. Don't let that happen. He is your son and you have a right to maintain a relationship with him. I'd keep asking when I could visit, if I were you. Don't let her keep you away permanently.

My family behaves the same way regarding presents etc because we believe it's the right thing to do. I'm with you on that. Even if it wasn't the right thing to do, in this situation I think it's imperative that you are the bigger person.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through.

J xxxx

 

[azstonie]

ILander, I wish you were my MIL, and not because of gifts but because of your willingness to include your DIL. When I got married, both times (!) I was so so hopeful to have a MIL like you to fill the void of the mother I did have. Filled with hope. It didn't work out that way for me, first MIL wouldn't let go of her baby son and the second one was resentful that her son and I didn't go down the resentful/bickering road she and my FIL chose.

I believe that your son and DIL have all their needs met by the other, they have no need of you. You therefore don't figure in their scheme of things. They honestly don't think about you, ergo failing to perform their portion of the social contract of parents, adult children, and in laws. DIL is sullen because she has nothing to say to you and is 'forced' to display her shortcomings of etiquette and social skills.

I think this is apalling, but its what I've seen. The good news for you is that this has NOTHING to do with you, your behavior, gifts, you name it.

Come be my surrogate MIL, you'll be sick of me hugging you, talking to you, and asking you to go jewelry shopping and tolunch!!! Seriously, you're a sweetheart and they are poopers. Its not complicated.

 

[Jambalaya]

Let's take this outside, Azstonie. Why do you get to have ilander as your MIL? I want her too.

 

[Jambalaya]

BTW, Azstonie is right - this has nothing to do with you or your gifts or anything at all. She also hits the nail on the head with the part about the social contract and the lack of social skills. All so true.

 

[Sky56]

Thanks, iLander! Yep, I've had insomnia the past few nights (was it that afternoon coffee I had?) and there I was in bed reading the whole thread on my phone under the covers at 3 AM. It surely resonates, though I am easygoing, I've had some very wacky interactions with difficult people, family or "friends!"

 

[azstonie]

Let's take this outside, Azstonie. Why do you get to have ilander as your MIL? I want her too.

We'll share her!!!! We'll work out holidays and vacations!

 

[Jambalaya]

Let's take this outside, Azstonie. Why do you get to have ilander as your MIL? I want her too.

We'll share her!!!! We'll work out holidays and vacations!

Sounds good, Asztonie! I'll have her for Christmas, New Year, Thanksgiving and the Fourth. Sound OK? I guess you can have her on your birthday, if you must have all that attention.



I think we're all agreed that we'd love to have the lovely ilander as our collective MIL! I was wondering what on earth's the matter with her DIL, until I remembered that it's probably a case of pearls before swine. In other words, perhaps our ilander is too fine a vintage for DIL to appreciate! And some people never mature.

 

[Jambalaya]

Thanks, iLander! Yep, I've had insomnia the past few nights (was it that afternoon coffee I had?) and there I was in bed reading the whole thread on my phone under the covers at 3 AM. It surely resonates, though I am easygoing, I've had some very wacky interactions with difficult people, family or "friends!"

I know, right??? I SO hear you.

 

[Laila619]

The MIL/DIL relationship is a tricky one. My theory is that both women want to be the number one woman in the son's life and they perceive the other as a threat to that. I can't stand my own MIL, she is nosy, opinionated, rude, disrespectful, and annoying.

 

[Sky56]

The good news is that any of my family problems have been long resolved, we get along fine... losing friends has been an issue, but after hurting, feeling very stung, I've realized that it's best they're gone. I've been good friends with my SIL for quite a while now, but there were *decades* of pain and misunderstanding. There is always hope. Sometimes though, estrangement is actually the best, sanest course.

 

[iLander]

Jambalaya, Azstonie: You guys are so sweet, you literally brought tears to my eyes. I wish we lived in the same town, we would be such good friends. We'd have a wonderful time! What a joy!

Jambalaya: Your story of the nice man was sad, but it did serve to comfort me. Even nice people get trampled on. I will continue the good fight, but it's tiring. Five years of it now.

Azstonie: I'm sorry it didn't work out with your MIL's. Why is it so hard for people to see past themselves? Those ladies missed out, it was their loss!

Sky56: I can't have a Speck of caffeine after 5 pm, even dark chocolate keeps me up. I hope the thread was at least a little entertaining. Yeah . . . people mostly suck. Relatives especially suck. I wish you peace and I'm glad you found some.

 

[iLander]

The MIL/DIL relationship is a tricky one. My theory is that both women want to be the number one woman in the son's life and they perceive the other as a threat to that. I can't stand my own MIL, she is nosy, opinionated, rude, disrespectful, and annoying.

I really had no intention of being number One in DS's life. Number 2 would be fine. Even number 5 would be okay. At this point I feel like number 96.

Wouldn't you be interested to know what your DH's grandmother thought of your MIL, as a DIL? That would be interesting.

I think my MIL's problem was that she thought her son could find someone prettier. I'm not particularly pretty and she was quite vain. She once told me "What you need now is a nose job".

 

[Sky56]

It was entertaining and informative, I guarantee it. Reading true stories about difficult, unreasonable people are not only interesting, but make me also feel not so alone in my experiences. I used to wonder if I was a magnet or flypaper! That and the Daily Mail app on my phone. Perfect for those sleepless nights.

 

[azstonie]

ILander, anytime you're in Arizona, post a shout out, we'll get together---lunch and jewels at Oliver Smith