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My turn for some sad news with regard to an aging parent!

dk168

dk168

Super_Ideal_Rock
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Joined
Jul 7, 2013
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I am fine myself, being a HCP and am very pragmatic when it comes to illness, life and death etc...- my mum is 85yo afterall!

However, I worry about how my brother as he lacked the mental capability to cope with my father's death back in 2005, and am concerned he may not be able to cope with the news that my mum's cancer is unlikely to be curable.

Apparently she has been advised against chemotherapy and perhaps radiotherapy too. She is going to have a CT scan to see if it has spread to her bones and other organs.

Don't know about the prognosis yet, however, I am expecting no more than 1 to 2 years at the most if she is lucky.

I corrected predicted my dad's time left when I heard he was diagnosed with small cell lung cancer back in 2005. I said my goodbyes to him every time I went to see my folks from 2001 onwards.

Bro is talking about taking mum back to HK one more time, and I asked what for as HK is gone/dead as far as I am concerned (not getting into any political discussion), and should only go if that's what she wants.

When I was with her back in April 2024 in Vancouver, she kind of knew her time was likely to be up, and said I don't need to rush to be with her should her health gets worse.

Mum and I had talked about managed exit in the past; however, she never got round to sorting that out, and it is probably too late to do that now, hey ho!

I am planning to go over to be with her one more time before she leaves this Earth and to support my bro.

Thanks for reading - I just needed to share, and this board has always been very good at listening and being supportive.

DK :confused2:
 
I'm so sorry this is happening to you. No matter how many logical arguments or how much pragmatism one throws at a situation like this, it never makes it easier. It just sucks, plain and simple. It may be natural for life to end, but it's also natural to grieve when it's happening.
 
The pragmatic approach...lol I think some of us take that route because it helps us handle the grief to follow. (I do this) And it helps us to preserve our mental health too. Still, its never easy to lose someone you love, no matter how much you prepare yourself for it. Lots of hugs and love to you as your family goes through this transition.
 
So sorry, DK.
 
DK I am so sorry. This is such a difficult time for you, with extra worry on top regarding your brother. Hugs.
 
So sorry to hear about your Mom and the worries about your brother. Keeping all of you in my thoughts and prayers.
 
I am very sorry. It is never easy and we all seem to deal/process things in different ways. Comforting wishes for your mother. I am sure your brother will come to terms with all of it in his own time. He is lucky to have you for a sister.
 
Thank you all for your kind words and support.

I have offered to spend time with them as a family one last time while she is still with us, if mum and/or bro want me to join them, either in HK or Canada or wherever she chooses.

I do not wish to appear to barge in and take charge, for him to feel inadequate and being pushed out, etc. etc...

He has a mental illness and froze when my dad died in 2005. Hence I am worried about him.

DK :confused2:
 
I'm so sorry it's time for you to face what we all must face.
FWIW, you are intelligent, wise, and strong, which I suspect would be of great help at time like this.

But still, big eHugs to you and your brother. :))
 
I'm sorry, DK. Sending you gentle hugs.
 
I'm very sorry to read this.

2005 was 19 years ago ... I hope your brother will be better able to handle this than he could do when he was 19 years younger.

What does she think /how does she feel about Dignitas?
 
pearlsngems said:
I'm very sorry to read this.

2005 was 19 years ago ... I hope your brother will be better able to handle this than he could do when he was 19 years younger.

What does she think /how does she feel about Dignitas?
Click to expand...

Thanks for the kind words.

I worry about him more than I worry about my mum. Just have to wait and see.

Mum and I talked about Dignitas, she knows I have joined, and said she would like to do the same, have a managed exist. However, that was some time ago and she has never got round to doing it.

DK :confused2:
 
I am sorry about your mom...I have a friend that just went thru the same thing about a month ago, its never, ever easy, my mom has dementia and not in the best of health to boot, you and your family are in prayers :(
 
Sorry to hear about your family situation; one step at a time.
 
I’m sorry to hear about your mom’s prognosis, but hope you will be able to cherish every minute with her whether it be in Canada or HK.
 
My heart goes out to you. It sounds as though you have a plan in mind to be with your Mom and even more importantly, your brother.

I hope you have the opportunity to stroke your Mom's soft hand and kiss her delicate cheek often with some good conversation before she becomes too ill.

It's a sad transition in life and the onus parents leave for their children is "carry on and live a good life". Don't waste time paralyzed with grief, life goes quickly. I remind myself of that when those moments hit for the way life used to be. Your strength is apparent, I hope all of the good wishes and prayers here buoy you even more.
 
im so sorry and sad for your family DK
your poor old mum
and i really feel for your brother
take care of yoursellf so you have the energy to take care of them
 
Thanks everyone for your kind words and thoughts.

DK :))
 
@dk168 I’m very sorry. It’s a lot to wrestle with and family dynamics can be touchy. As one who lost her mom a couple of years ago, I believe letting your mom tell you what she wants is the right course. And how your brother reacts is not within your control. So buckle up and take care of yourself amidst taking care of them.
 
So sorry to read this. It is so hard -- to deal with aging parents and their failing health. I wish you, your mom, and your brother as you all navigate this challenge. Take good care of yourself!
 
Sending hugs, DK. I have known you on here for years & I know you are a very logical, practical & educated woman. But that doesn’t mean you will sail through these next months & years without emotion.

As others have said, take this at your mums pace & do as she wishes you to do. This is her ending & she needs to write it in her own way. Your brother, as someone else said, is 19 years older than when you lost your father, so hopefully he will cope better than last time. But grief is a vicious thing & we all just need to let others roll with it in their own way. There’s no right or wrong.

Sending gentle hugs & fingers crossed that the scan is more positive than you are anticipating.
 
(((DK)))
I'm just seeing this. I think you're doing your absolute level best and that is invaluable in these situations. This is never easy.
As for bro, you'll just be there the best you can. He'll be grateful for your strength.

This hug is for you, though. You may be more ready but you're still losing your mom too, and I want to.
946809
 
I am so sorry @dk168 keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers
 
Thanks everyone for your kind thoughts and wishes.

I guess I was kind of upset when I heard she had been advised against having chemo and radiotherapy too, and might have even been advised to sort out her affairs!

The reality has sunk in and I know what I can and need to do etc...

Depending on her prognosis, still waiting for test results and perhaps more tests to follow, I have planned to spend some time with them in July 2025 instead of going on a camping trip in Europe.

Camping trip can wait, mum can't, and I know I would regret not spending time with her at least once more.

DK :confused2:
 
We are here for you @dk168 whether you need a sounding board or just a place to express your emotions. Keeping you and your family in my thoughts.
 
Biggest hugs to you DK during this difficult time.
 
I’m so sorry to hear this @dk168. Thinking of you and your family, big hugs.
 
Sending supporting wishes @dk168 ...I know this must be so difficult worrying about your Mom's situation as well as your brother's.
Anyway he can start getting therapy now to deal with the loss of a loved one so he has a few tools when the time comes.
 
Thinking of you @dk168 and sending you big hugs
 
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