Name Change: What Did You Do?

[ts44]

Question- if I don''t change my name legally and instead socially go by "Mrs HisLastName", will that cause any issues that you all know of? I don''t want to legally change my name but I also don''t want it to cause problems down the line regarding documentation and things of that nature.

Right now FI wants me to change my name in the worst way and I''m really kind of coming down on the side of "you know what, you aren''t changing yours so why should I change mine?"

 

[Octavia]

Date: 6/2/2010 1:15:11 PM
Author: ts44
Question- if I don't change my name legally and instead socially go by 'Mrs HisLastName', will that cause any issues that you all know of? I don't want to legally change my name but I also don't want it to cause problems down the line regarding documentation and things of that nature.


Right now FI wants me to change my name in the worst way and I'm really kind of coming down on the side of 'you know what, you aren't changing yours so why should I change mine?'

Not as long as you use your legal name on all legal documents. People can call you whatever they want without any problem. The only time I can see it coming up is if people write checks to you under his name -- then you just sign as it's written and sign your real name afterward, and it should be fine (unless done regularly for business purposes). The only other thing might be travel if your potential future kids don't share your name, but there are ways around that.

 

[ZestfullyBling]

I chose to keep my maiden name. I eventually gave in.

Actually, my 10yr wedding gift to him was me taking his last name and dropping mine. LOL! Took me 10 years!

 

[emeraldlover1]

Date: 6/2/2010 1:15:11 PM
Author: ts44
Question- if I don''t change my name legally and instead socially go by ''Mrs HisLastName'', will that cause any issues that you all know of? I don''t want to legally change my name but I also don''t want it to cause problems down the line regarding documentation and things of that nature.

Right now FI wants me to change my name in the worst way and I''m really kind of coming down on the side of ''you know what, you aren''t changing yours so why should I change mine?''

The only problem I have experienced is trying to remember who knows me by which name. For example, doctors offices, banks, anything where bills are in my maiden name. I''m in the process of taking his name but professionally it has been a tough transition. I''ve changed my drivers license but not my ssn yet. I''m doing that next week.

 

[ksinger]

Date: 5/27/2010 4:37:39 PM
Author: thing2of2

Date: 5/26/2010 10:37:05 PM
Author: RaiKai

Date: 5/26/2010 10:19:45 PM

Author: thing2of2

Well since you asked, RaiKai: in my opinion taking your husband''s last name is more patriarchal than just keeping the name you were born with. It''s a choice to accept the patriarchal norm, whereas being born and named as a child isn''t a choice.

Ah but that was my point. I did not have choice as a child. I was not *born* with a name. I was *given* a name. It was almost automatically given to me as it was my fathers name. This is often the case. Now I do have choice - be it to change it from my fathers or to change it to my husbands.

And I do not consider myself less *empowered* or giving into patriarchial norms for making that choice.

There are matriarchial societies with the naming after mothers...do people there I wonder get up in arms about that?!?!

Again, I enjoy being able to exercise my option to have a choice!

Well of course you''re given a name, but growing up that name is all most women know. The vast majority of people aren''t given a choice to change their name at age 7. And as for matriarchal societies, there actually aren''t any true matriarchal societies. Some cultures go by a matriarchal naming practice, and maybe the people living in those do get up in arms. But since I live in a patriarchal society, that''s what I think about.

You had the choice, and in the end you chose to go with the patriarchal norm. I don''t think you''re less empowered and I don''t think I implied that in my response to your question. (But at the same time, conversations like this make me think of Charlotte in Sex and the City saying ''I choose my choice!'' over and over again when she quits the job she loves because most of the married women she knows did the same thing. It''s not that much of a choice when there is SO MUCH social pressure to do something one way.)

Women should do what they want. It only really bothers me when women take their husband''s last name because he pressures them to do so. And that seems to happen pretty often. Of course the ''We''re more of a FAMILY'' comments are ridiculous, too, but stupid comments don''t really get me that riled up.

Well, many years ago - "first iteration" when we were in college and talking about marriage, I expressed my thoughts that name changing was old, outdated, patriarchal, etc, and that I didn''t want to do it. He was indignant and highly offended. Fast forward to "third iteration" - 28 years later - and I say, "Love, I have no problem changing my name. Makes me feel all cozy." He says, Karen, I really don''t care anymore, keep your name if you want. No problems." Pretty ironic stuff, and we both laughed about it bunches.

My how 20+ years of growing up changes one. We both learned how to pick our battles, and that apparently, wasn''t one of the ones we decided to carry on.

 

[ChinaCat]

Haven''t changed it yet. Thought I would but now not so sure. 3 years in.

Socially, many people do use Mrs.HisLastName and I don''t mind, I think it''s cute.

Legally and professionally I am MyLastName.

I live in a pretty conservative state that is VERY big on tradition and manners and I''ve never had a problem or had anyone comment on me not changing my name.

I might get around to it one of these days, not sure. Thought I would change it when we had a kid, but my son is 10 months old and it still doesn''t bother me.

I just don''t think this is a big deal, either way. Whatever you want to do is fine.

 

[PilsnPinkysMom]

I changed mine, and it''s still coming back to haunt me. Changing my SS card was the easiest part. License, bank accounts, and school information has taken forever. Then there are little things (ie: Amazon accounts) that are easy to change, but it''s still a PITA. Or maybe I''m lazy?

I''m happy to have DH''s last name as part of the mix, but I do wish I would have taken the time to add my maiden name as a middle name or that I would have hyphenated. (Or we both would have hyphenated). I''ve started introducing myself as Rachael Maiden-HisLast to school colleagues and professors, and have taken to signing notes and e-mails as such. While my maiden name does not define me, I am quite fond of it & its uniqueness.

Had my professional "self" been established pre-wedding, I definitely would have kept my maiden name or legally hyphenated.

I can''t say that I feel like more of a unit because I took DH''s name. We''re married- there''s no denying that- regardless of what our drivers licenses read. If I believed in the ''unit'' thing, I probably would have encouraged DH to take MY name, as his is boring

As for why I took on his last name? Hmmm... No idea. Tradition? Because my mother took my father''s last name? Because I knew everyone was going to call me Mrs. HisName anyway? J certainly didn''t encourage it & was all for me keeping my maiden name. His only request was no hyphenating (apparently hyphenated names always get mixed up between doctors offices and pharmacies... he can''t stand them

)

 

[jstarfireb]

Been a while since I've played around in this forum! I hyphenated, and I'm actually surprised at how small of a minority this seems to be. The husband and I both felt very strongly about this, but in opposite directions. I'm a doctor and have my medical and college degrees in my maiden name; I'm a staunch feminist and believe taking his name is very patriarchal; he and I are of different ethnicities and both have very ethnic names...my maiden name is a tie to my own heritage, whereas taking his would be a name/race mismatch that I wouldn't want to deal with. I'd be a white chick with a Chinese last name, like Donna Chang on that Seinfeld episode. But the hubby felt strongly that I needed to take some version of his name and would have been offended to the point of calling off the wedding if I didn't. He believes not changing my name would mean I was ashamed to be married to him. I told him time and time again that I'm proud to be his wife WITHOUT taking his name, but he didn't buy it. So as a compromise, I hyphenated. It was a huge pain in the butt, and I still have issues a year after the wedding, mostly with credit card companies, airline tickets, etc. Plane tickets seem to be the biggest problem, as for some reason they can't show a hyphen, so they end up making it one word. And for both my professional and personal lives, I introduce myself by my maiden name and correct people if they call me by his name.

 

[sctsbride09]

I took his name. I think whats important is to do what makes the two of you as a couple happy. There was never a question that I would change my name, I looked forward to it. But I can certainly understand why someone who has gone through 6-10+ years of school may feel differently on the matter. To each their own, I say.

 

[Dreamer_D]

I hemmed and hawed about this for a long time. I wanted to keep my name because I like it, it connects to my family, and also I have published in my maiden name and worried about continuity in my publications. I am also a rabid feminist and I think that taking the man's name is essentially patriarchal crap to make me his possession

I also wanted to have the same last name as my kids. Very badly.

The woman is screwed either way. Either she takes his name and gives up her identity, or she does not take his name and then she is the odd one out in the family, where everyone shares a surname but her.

I was going to hyphenate, then we were both going to hyphenate, and then inertia took over and I did nothing.

Then six months after our wedding I decided to change it spur of the moment. I first thought I would tag DH's name onto my name, eliminating my middle name, so I got a piece of ID changed to Dreamer Maiden Married, thinking I would just go by Dr. Married and leave it at that. But it was too confusing, since my ID said Maiden Married, Dreamer. People thought they should call me Dr. Maiden married and it was too confusing. So I went back the next day and changed my name AGAIN This time to Dreamer Middle Married.

I publish as Dreamer Maiden Married (D.M. Married) and treat my maiden name as a middle name in the whole thing.

I am very glad I changed my name, I love how it makes us feel like a family.

 

[gwendolyn]

I kept my first name, changed my middle name to my maternal grandmother's maiden name, and changed my last name to his last name.

 

[violet3]

I didn't change my name because I work with my dad and my brother and we all have the same last name. I'm in a business that is struggling (real estate) and i figured it would be a bad move to change my name and give people a hard time finding me

I also just feel like....it's my name. It might be because I got married at 33 (i'm 34 now) and I just feel like I have had my name for so long and I like it.

I really like what Haven had to say about her identity being more than a lable/name - but that can be looked at from the other side too. Deciding not to change my name makes me no less married than if i had changed my name, and it makes me and mr violet no less of a family - it's just a name. For the most part, my husband doesn't care (or at least he says he doesn't ) and if we had kids they would have his name for sure. In fact, I would be far more likely to change my name if we did have children, just so they would not be confused and would feel that we all shared a name.

 

[trillionaire]

I'm changing mine. Didn't want to. Wasn't interested. Then, throughout the wedding planning process (the elopement drama), FI was my biggest ally and supporter. His family was AH-mazing and supportive, including sharing the costs of an impromptu reception that they had to help us plan (in a month), in addition to their "wedding gift" months ago. They embraced me 100%, even as my father refused to attend our reception, and they even engaged both of my parents in the process and had wonderful conversations with each other as they tried to convince my dad to budge on his position. It made the decision easy. I am proud to be a "HisLastName" after the way that they demonstrated what a beautiful family they are. My family is great too, of course, but they caused a lot of hurt, pain and tears during our wedding process, and I would like to honor the love and support that I felt from my new family by embracing them fully.

I am shocked at how nonchalantly women just up and change their names when they get married, but after my experience, I don't judge them. I have no idea what their story is.

 

[Haven]

I am shocked at how nonchalantly women just up and change their names when they get married, but after my experience, I don't judge them. I have no idea what their story is.

I'm one of those women who just up and changed my name when I got married, and really it just wasn't a big deal to me. I've never been very sentimental about external things like possessions or labels, and names fall under the "label" category for me. My identity has nothing at all to do with my name, that's just a label as far as I'm concerned. My identity is not a static thing, it changes as my beliefs about the world change, as my relationships and roles in life change, and I suppose the name change was just a symptom of that fluidity. I didn't choose my birth name, but I did choose my husband, and I chose to take his name. In my opinion, it's just a label and it says nothing about who I am or where I come from. My choices in life say those things about me.

Trill--I know I said it in your BWW thread, but your wedding photos are GORGEOUS! You were stunning, the day was stunning, and I'm so happy for you!!!!

 

[Jennifer W]

I also wanted to have the same last name as my kids. Very badly.

The woman is screwed either way. Either she takes his name and gives up her identity, or she does not take his name and then she is the odd one out in the family, where everyone shares a surname but her.

.

Why? I mean, why not give the kids your name if it's important? If you're a feminist, why would you automatically give your child your husband's last name? (I'm teasing, that's tongue in cheek, but really - why? )

Neither of us much cared or attached a lot of significance to the last name thing, other than which sounded nicer, and there wasn't much difference really, so in the end we tossed a coin over her last name. The special, double headed coin I like to keep in my purse for moments like these...

 

[trillionaire]

I am shocked at how nonchalantly women just up and change their names when they get married, but after my experience, I don't judge them. I have no idea what their story is.

I'm one of those women who just up and changed my name when I got married, and really it just wasn't a big deal to me. I've never been very sentimental about external things like possessions or labels, and names fall under the "label" category for me. My identity has nothing at all to do with my name, that's just a label as far as I'm concerned. My identity is not a static thing, it changes as my beliefs about the world change, as my relationships and roles in life change, and I suppose the name change was just a symptom of that fluidity. I didn't choose my birth name, but I did choose my husband, and I chose to take his name. In my opinion, it's just a label and it says nothing about who I am or where I come from. My choices in life say those things about me.

Trill--I know I said it in your BWW thread, but your wedding photos are GORGEOUS! You were stunning, the day was stunning, and I'm so happy for you!!!!

Aw Thanks Haven for your kind words about our photos! We're so happy with them! I was so worried with how they would come out, since I forgot half of my make-up, but I'm glad I didn't stress or fuss about it. We just laughed at each other and ourselves and it made the day really memorable!

As for names, I think that your perspective is refreshing! I wish I was less attached to my name and identity, but I just can't divorce myself from my womanist all-girl's upbringing... though to be honest, I was always fiesty and non-traditional. I am happy to take hubby's name, but very much because the 'act' of doing it means something to me, in addition to the shared name meaning something to him. I do envy/admire women who keep theirs though, because if it didn't matter to him at all, I wouldn't even think to change it. Maybe if we were having kids, which we don't plan on, but that would make more sense to me. Either way, I'm glad that it was an easy and natural transition for you, and I hope to channel some of your breeziness about it all. People actually have referred to me by MyLastName since I was about 14, so it does feel very much more than a LastName. But I do like the unity of Mr. and Mrs. NewLastName, so I will just have to adjust! I can really understand perspectives on both sides of this debate... but ultimately, it's such a personal choice!

 

[Haven]

Trill--I think it is so interesting to read about everyone's perspective on this. I know I sound very traditional on these boards because I'm an etiquette freak, but in reality I've always been super independent and non-traditional when it comes to my life choices. I've also always served on the Women and Gender Studies committee for every school I've worked in, and I should share that I am usually the only straight, married woman who has changed her name on the committee. (I mean, of the straight married women on the committee, I'm usually the only one who changed her name.)

The thing that is so interesting to me is that I find labels of identity, in general, to be very confining, and so I tend to put very little stock in them, and I've always naturally found them distasteful. I don't call myself a feminist despite my beliefs and involvement in groups that would probably make anyone else think I am a feminist. I've never been comfortable identifying with one political party, I say I'm independent, and in college the idea of joining a sorority and instantly taking on a label that carries with it so many stereotypes (or stigmas) was really awful to me, so I didn't do it. (Though I proudly wore the "Gamma Delta Iota" shirt my roommate made for me, which read "Rush '98 Dropout" on the back. ) (I suppose saying I was a GDI (AKA: Goddamn Independent) was a label too, though not one I used very much.)

ANYWAY, the point that I find so interesting is that in my opinion, my name is just one more label, and I've simply never identified with it. Identity is so fluid, and the only people who call me by my first name are my colleagues and strangers, really. The only time I use my last name is for official business. To say "I'm a Smith" means I hold some stock in the fact that "Smith" means something, but it doesn't. It is just a name, and it could have been anything else. (IMO, of course.)

I suppose my main point is that our identities are so complex that a name, just like any other label, is just plain insufficient. I am an enigma, if I have to put any label on myself, and as such I've yet to find any word or item or thing that is a satisfying representation of me. And therefore, changing my last name for DH's was really no big deal at all. It had absolutely zero impact on the reality of who I am, and how I see myself, or my identity.

 

[trillionaire]

Lol Haven! I called someone a GDI yesterday!

I also have a lot of friends who firmly identify me by my last name... not in terms of my family, but they really don't call me by my first name at all, and never have. Many have said that they will continue to call me MaidenName, lol... not out of disrespect, but out of habit!
Neither of us have awesome names... his is very vanilla, and mine is... I guess atypical, but not crazy... I dunno. I can't separate the name change from the patriarchy... and I am fascinated by the naming laws/customs around the world!

You have always struck me as more of a free spirit than a traditionalist, so your perspective on this matter seems well suited to you, but I enjoyed hearing your thoughts as they were different from the norm in a very cool Havenesque way

 

[Haven]

Lol Haven! I called someone a GDI yesterday!

I also have a lot of friends who firmly identify me by my last name... not in terms of my family, but they really don't call me by my first name at all, and never have. Many have said that they will continue to call me MaidenName, lol... not out of disrespect, but out of habit!
Neither of us have awesome names... his is very vanilla, and mine is... I guess atypical, but not crazy... I dunno. I can't separate the name change from the patriarchy... and I am fascinated by the naming laws/customs around the world!

You have always struck me as more of a free spirit than a traditionalist, so your perspective on this matter seems well suited to you, but I enjoyed hearing your thoughts as they were different from the norm in a very cool Havenesque way

All of my guy friends from childhood still call me by my last name, and several years ago he big joke was that some of them couldn't even REMEMBER my first name. Yeesh. And like your friends, they STILL call me by my maiden name. But it would be weird if they didn't, so I don't mind.

How are you doing now with the name change? Does it feel any different?

 

[NewEnglandLady]

I have to say that after 3 years of marriage, I don't understand why I had such a hard time with changing my name. I did not want to give up my maiden name (partly for identity purposes, partly because I was published under that name), so I went to court to have my maiden name legally added as a second middle name.

Changing my name legally was very easy--it was a half day in court and that was that. But I don't really understand why it was so psychologiclly meaningful to me. I remember my mother saying "Hon, it's just a name, it's not who you are". Looking back, she was right. I think holding onto my name was probably a symptom of something deeper happening. Insecurity over getting married, being scared of changing my life? I don't know, but as I look back as a happily married woman, I no longer understand why it was difficult for me.

And, of course, after struggling with it so much right after I was married, I no longer care at all about keeping my maiden name.

 

[Steel]

I couldn't wait to lose my maiden name and we both disliked DH's name so we chose another.
It is only since my father died earlier this year that I realise there will be no more of my maiden name - not that that is a bad thing, my family are lunatics, but my father worked hard and has nothing to show for it - even I don't want the name. That makes me sad.

 

[megumic]

hyphenated, but not by choice. we wanted first, middle, maiden, last, but the state of NY only allowed his last, my last, combined new last, or hyphenated last -- they did not permit any middle name changes, so we did the best we could and went with the hyphen.

 

[idreamofcushions]

I just OFFICIALLY changed my name this week! I was really excited to take his name, not that I didn't love my maiden name, but because of the significance. I feel like we belong to eachother even more so, if that makes sense.

 

[CurlySue]

I'll be changing my name to CurlySue MaidenName HisLastName. My maiden name is VERY COMMON, as is my first name (you might as well have called me Jane Doe), so I have looked forward to a new last name for as long as I can remember. I love my new last name!

What's funny is that even though I looked forward to my new last name, I flinched at the thought of losing my maiden name altogether. I'm not a huge fan of hyphenated last names, so I decided to drop my middle name (sigh, also very common... my parents are wonderful but apparently not terribly creative) and keep my maiden as my middle. Since I am one of two girls, my dad is very happy that his name will in some way live on in our family.

 

[Iowa Lizzy]

I kept my last name. I'm not even particularly fond of it, but to be honest, I just don't like DH's last name. There. I said it.

I told him if we ever decide to have children, I will take his last name. But for now, I just don't see the point.

 

[Haven]

I kept my last name. I'm not even particularly fond of it, but to be honest, I just don't like DH's last name. There. I said it.

I told him if we ever decide to have children, I will take his last name. But for now, I just don't see the point.

I don't like my husband's last name either, but I took it!
I know this wasn't meant to be funny, but I laughed when I read your post because I completely agree with you. My maiden name was nice and common and impossible to mispronounce. I miss it so!

 

[littlelanhua]

After becoming engaged and even after the wedding I thought long and hard about whether and how to change my name. My soul searching about this topic lead me to many forums, including PS! In PS I found not only comfort and solidarity in your varied experiences and that others too struggle with this – but also that Iam addicted to looking at sparkly things Me and DH have now discovered the concept of an upgrade – something we had never heard of but are keen to try

Amway, back on topic. A bit about my journey.

I really don't like DH's name and even if I did I had always wanted to keep mine – but it was very important to DH for me to take his name as it's part of his cultural and family tradition. It was very important for me for DH to wear a wedding band – it was a struggle to convince him to get one for the ceremony day! In the end neither of us has really backed down, I use his surname for family social events (i.e. wedding invites) and he wears his wedding ring at those occasions – so far this suits us both. But.... my passport is expiring soon, and although I will always remain <littlelanhua> <maiden name> professionally, I am going to become (is that even the correct way to express it?) < littlelanhua> <maiden name> (no hyphen) < his last>. This is sort of a gift to DH – and I do like the idea of sharing a name – just would prefer it to be my maiden name.

I never thought this would be a decision to make, and when it became so, the anguish was stifling. I can't thank all you posters on this thread, and on the many other threads on this forum, enough. It is open discussions like this that have helped me make my own decision and be finally comfortable with it.

 

[mrscushion]

I took DH's last name professionally and personally. I started a new job and career right after my wedding, so it was an opportune time. It's official this week when I get my new passport and ID card!

 

[UnderBlue]

I hope for the day when our society isn't conditioned to expect only women to change their names. That's what I take issue with, not the changing of names, but that it's expected of women, and that there are men/families who find it offensive when a woman doesn't want to change her name.

Just think: Boys don't sit in school writing their first name with their crush's last name. A man don't get engaged and have his buddies start asking if he'll change his name. It's the unfairness, the inequality and the unquestioning of the system that I take so much issue with.

If it were equally stressed out about by both sides. If it was, "Will we choose a family name?" as opposed to "Will *she* change her name?" I would be less upset about it.

 

[Jennifer W]

UnderBlue, I completely agree with you. The name on my gravestone will be the one that's on my birth certificate, no question. I wouldn't have been close enough to anyone who saw it differently to marry him. I needed to marry someone who not only accepted that, but actively encouraged and even expected it. Not that the name itself is a big deal, but the meaning behind the change is hugely offensive to me and anyone I was spending my life with would have to be absolutely on the same page there.

I didn't marry my first fiancé because he expected me to change my name. That told me what I needed to know about his outlook and character - he is a good man, but not one whose philosophies and outlook on life I could live with long term. I equally dislike the notion that you need to have the same name to be a family. Clearly, you don't. Unless my daughter, stepdaughters, husband and I aren't a family, of course.

This topic really gets under my skin at this time of year - people who know me and know my name insist on addressing holiday cards to me as though I had changed my name to be the same as my husband's. Why? Does it help me to conform and learn the error of my ways or something? Or maybe it validates their own choice. Who knows? It makes DH and I angry, and life is too short.

There. I feel better for getting that off my chest.