Need to get some perspective

[KimberlyH]

Ally,

I am so sorry about the test and the trip. You are an absolute angel for passing the tickets along to your dad and mom. Seeking help sounds like it was the best thing for you, what a hard decision to come to and how wonderful that you are finding some peace in talking through all of your pent up stuff. That is no easy feat.

As for J, don''t allow him to push you into anything you aren''t ready for. I think you know that and won''t, but I just wanted to reassure you that you are doing the right thing when you do what feels right. That you''re spending time with him is great, if it feels right you; there is nothing wrong with not being in a postion to define your relationship.

Continue to make you your #1 priority!

 

[TravelingGal]

UGH ALLY!!!

I am so BUMMED you are not going to Italy. I am even more sorry that you failed your exam.

But as the others have said, GOOD for you for not playing the victim and being proactive with your life. Not an easy thing to do, and I think you are very admirable for taking life by the horns.

I hope you won''t forget the spirit of which you took the plunge for your trip to Italy! If I don''t see you go on this trip at some point, I will arrange a layover in Canada and drag your a** with me to Sorrento!

Yes, the sun continues to shine, and it will shine on you.

Hugs to ya.

 

[Mara]

ally, everyone else has already said it but GOOD FOR YOU. it sounds like you are making amazing progress with working through some things. keep it up and continue to be true to yourself and you will be just fine. yay for you!

 

[anchor31]

ally - I''m sorry about your trip and exam...

But I admire your strength, courage, generosity and kindness. Bravo for seeking outside help, I think counselling can do amazing things. It''s good to hear that your ex is getting help too, he really needs it.

As for J... You''ve just ended a 10 YEARS relationship, so I think he should cut you some slack. He shouldn''t expect you jump into a relationship so soon. Dating is one thing, but a relationship is something else.

 

[appletini]

Ally,

Thanks for the update. Everything happens for a reason and I''m glad that you have found a conselor that you can talk to. You seem to making lemonade from your lemons and that is so wonderful. I''m really happy to see that you are experiencing so much personal growth.

Glad that you and M were able to talk things out, because thats one less thing you need to worry about. Just be honest with J, there is no need to rush into anything. But on another note related to that, J talking about you to his friends really is a good thing....it means he really likes you. Guys don''t talk about a girl to their friends if they dont really like her, so don''t let that part upset you. And wow you went to one of his hockey games...I know your past feelings about such events, so I think this means that you like him a little too.

Keep us posted and I hope your parents have a wonderful romantic getaway in Italy.

 

[allycat0303]

Albi, Janinegirly, Deco, Julian, Mandarine, CrownJewel, KimberlyH, TravelingGal, Mara, Anchor31,

Thanks everyone for all of the kind words of support. Obviously, when you break up after 10 years, there's a lot of times when I do feel really down, so I check in, reread the thread to remind myself of why I need to do this, and of all the amazing advice.

A hard thing happened this weekend for me, my younger sister (I know many of you remember the *incident*) got engaged to her boyfriend of five years. It's so many confusing things at the same time that I don't know how to feel. I'm not crazy about the guy, but in his defense, my sister confided in me that things have gotten a lot better in the past since the incident, and that he has declined in frequency of issues between them. So I'm happy that things are better, not sure if the he is the guy who will make her happy, but supportive none the less, because at the end it is HER choice.

And obviously, a little down, because I'm going through a bad spell, and although I can't go as far as to say that I want to get married, I do wish that I could be in a relationship where I felt confident enough to make that terrifying leap.

But now there's engagement party to be planned, a wedding etc. My parents have reservations about the whole thing (there was an ugly scene)so it looks like I'm going to be taking on the lion's share of the planning for her. But I suppose we should have all known it was inevitable. They've been together for 5 years, and he's always been pushing for marriage, so it's not a surprise.

Julian: Thanks so much for your kind words of encouragement. I think it's a combination of many things, asian culture (definitely a factor) and many of the ways my parents chose to raise and discipline me. But there's some of my experiences (good and bad) that have factored in. Strangely enough though, that as I've talked to the counselor, that there are so many MORE problems with me then I thought I had. Stuff I thought I handled/dealt with....uhmm he sees as I have a classic pattern of shuting down and avoidence of all things hurtful. So buried a lot of stuff, and now realizing that it really wasn't at all. So it's hard right now because bringing all that stuff out of the closet, I'm more sad now in many ways then I was before. But I think it might be natural that it hurts more now, before it can get better. In any case, you're strong words of encouragemen make me smile when I'm down. Thanks. And big hugs to you.

In any case, thanks to all you wonderful ladies!

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 11/20/2006 12:54:14 PM
Author: allycat0303
it looks like I''m going to be taking on the lion''s share of the planning for her.

Please don''t. I''m nearly 100% sure any counselor worth their salt would highly discourage it. Your first & foremost concern should be your OWN well-being. Even under the best circumstances, the situation with your sister & her fiance has the potential to be toxic.

She is an adult. No one took on "the lion''s share" of MY planning ... and I have three very capable sisters, NONE of whom were trying to simultaneously tackle: med school, a break-up, family health problems & general outlook transformation.

Not your job, man. Not your responsibility. And it''s not "mean" or "inconsiderate" or being a "bad sister" NOT to take that on.

This is an opportunity for further growth. An opportunity to put up a boundry where you would previously have chosen OTHERs well-being before your OWN.

Seriously. Don''t. Do. It.

 

[IrishAngel7982]

Hi Ally!

I''ve been following your thread and I''m so glad you''ve decided to see a counselor. Having been there, as I''m sure many others will echo, it gets worse before it gets better. When you''ve suppressed emotions of different things that have happened in your life, bringing them up again is just as bad (if not worse) than going through the trauma all over again. Good for you for taking charge of your life and dealing with everything you have on your plate right now!

Re: your sister''s engagement/wedding, I agree with Deco. You''ve got too much going on in your life to completely take on another''s wedding plans. Med school is enough, let alone dealing with the breakup of a 10-year relationship and bringing up emotions you didn''t know you had. I''m happy you''re trying to support your sister, hopefully your family will try to also, but you need to take care of YOU first.

 

[AmberGretchen]

Oh Ally - I just came back and read through all of these more recent developments.

I just wanted to chime in and say I''m so happy that you are working through all of these issues and making good choices for you. I sort of understand your feeling about trying to just keep achieving to not deal with things and because that will somehow make it better (something about how if you''re good/perfect enough, nothing bad can happen). I can really sympathize with how failing that exam was such a release for you in a way, and I''m really glad that it felt that way and that you are able to learn from the experience and grow.

I think all of the ladies here have said it better than I could - you''ve taken a very tough time in your life with a lot of upheaval and you''ve grown enormously and continue to grow. This shows your intelligence, bravery, and integrity, and you should be very proud of yourself. I look forward to hearing further updates on your wonderful progress.

 

[Kaleigh]

Ally,
I am super late catching up on your thread, but am very proud of you. I''m so glad you found a counselor to help you through this, and am sorry about the exam. But you are making such good progress and I see only better days ahead for you. Yeah there are bumps in the road, but you''re on your way to a smoother path. Lisa