sandia_rose
Shiny_Rock
- Joined
- Nov 20, 2007
- Messages
- 314
This is a a horrible post for the day after Valentine''s Day, but I am very upset and am hoping that you ladies can put this into perspective for me....sorry in advance if this is long, but I want to give you as much detail as possible about what happened.
Neither my BF nor I are Valentine''s Day people (we think it''s an overblown Hallmark holiday), and given our tense relationship lately, I wasn''t expecting much out of the day. If you remember, we had "the talk" about 2 weeks ago, and I''ve been deliberately lying low. I was in work when he called me. He usually calls me around lunchtime, just to talk, because it breaks up the monotony of the day. When the phone rang, I thought it was either going to be his typical lighthearted chatter, or him asking me if I wanted to go out to dinner after work. Nope.
When I picked up the phone, he asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Working. Someone just left my office and I am trying to wrap my brain around the project they left me with. Why?" And he said, "I know you don''t like Valentine''s Day so I don''t really know what to do here." So I said, "Whatever you want. I don''t have any expectations." And there was this long pause and he said, "I''m just not feeling it." So I said, "Feeling what?" And he said, "This. I don''t know....I was doing a lot of thinking....and I feel like an @ss4ole. You''re an awesome woman. If I look at, I don''t know what you want to call it...your track record?.....you''re incredible. But there''s no fireworks going off that are telling me that you''re positively, absolutely the one for me."
Ladies, as you know, I''ve been sick all week with a bad cold. THAT was NOT what I expected him to say AT ALL. And not yesterday.
And I don''t know if it''s my cold or the lack of sleep from my cold or what, but the following came out of my mouth (not sure where it came from...I really don''t):
"What the #$^& planet have you been living on? This is not the #$^& movies. Love doesn''t offer fireworks and little birdies. It''s a lot more subtle than that. This is real life and we are not kids. Do you mean to tell me that it took you a year and a half to come to the realization that I am not for you...after our lives have gotten entwined to this point? As far as I''m concerned, you don''t see ME and never have. Everything you see when you see me is colored by your ex-wife. And that''s not fair."
All he could say in response was, "Maybe." Then he started crying and I said, "Are you home right now?" He was. I told my boss I was not feeling well and went over to his house.
I walked in and the first thing I said was, "Tell me you don''t love me anymore and don''t want to see me anymore." And he said, "But I can''t do that." So I said, "So what is it?" And he said, "I don''t know....I just don''t see a future here." And I said, "Do you think that or feel that?" And he said, "What''s the difference?" And I said, "If you really felt that, you would have just broken up with me." And he said, "I''m just....so....confused." We talked a lot about fear and things in our pasts that make us afraid of relationship stuff, etc. I told him, "In a lot of respects, love is a choice. I chose to love you and stick it out, in spite of all the problems that have gone down." Lots of tears and talking. And then he said, "You know, I had a thought I was thinking about. I have thought about putting an addition on the house to make room for you and P [my son]. Would you consider moving in with me for a month to see how it goes with us day to day, all the time? That way, we''d know for sure if moving forward is the right thing." And I said, "Sure." We are supposed to go on a trip at the end of the month, and we talked about the timeline for this starting when we come back. Fine with me. I should point out that my son splits the time with his father, so any time I have him, we would be at my house, per usual.
After a while, we looked over at the clock and he said, "I don''t want to cut this short, but we only have a couple of hours left of daylight, and I need to look at the lights on my trailor [he has a show to do tonight and the lights on his band trailer have been broken...and he got ticketed last time on them]." So I said, "Well, I''m going to go home and take a nap. Then he said, "Thank you for putting my dumb head on straight. Can I take you for dinner later?" I said, "Sure," and he said he''d call me when he was finished messing with the trailer lights and was on his way to get me. Then I asked him what his daughter was doing (she hadn''t come home from school yet); he told me his ex was taking her for a Valentine dinner around 6 and she''d be out for a couple hours, so he had time to come and get me and go somewhere.
Went home, napped and took a bath. I was feeling fine with the resolution we came up with. The phone rang @ 6:30 while I was in the tub. It was my BF. The first thing he said was, "I lost track of time." And I said, "What?" He said, "While I was under the trailer, Ray (a friend of his) stopped by and has been helping me with the electrical." I could clearly hear Ray in the background. Then he said, "I don''t know what you want to do. D (his daughter) is supposed to be back here at 8. The soonest I can get going is an hour from now." So I said, "Well, I''d thought you were coming to get me. Couldn''t you have called me earlier?" And he said, "I lost track of time and Ray drove by, saw me under the trailer, stopped by to see, and when he saw it was an electrical issue (Ray is an electrician), offered to help me."
After this, I felt deflated. It was like the earlier conversation meant nothing and he was trying to blow me off -- and I said so. He said, "Look. I already feel like an @ss4ole. I can call someone to watch D when she comes back...or you can come down here." And I said, "I don''t want to go all the way down there just to turn around and come back home." So he said, "If you feel comfortable, you can bring a bag and I can go out and get us dinner and we can eat in." I told him, "Fine." The last thing he said was, "I really am trying. I am sorry about the trailer. It''s one thing after another today."
I went down to his house and he wasn''t there but his daughter was. I asked her where he went and she said, "He went to get dinner and will be back in a second." Which he was. He had gone to this Italian place we like and bought calzones and also had bought me a dozen yellow roses.
It was his daughter''s bedtime anyway, and she went to bed while we ate dinner. By the time we finished, it was 10P. I was still feeling my cold, so I got a glass of TheraFlu and we lay in bed watching TV. We started dozing off and turned off the light. We didn''t sleep. Either he kept waking up or I kept waking up. It was uncomfortable. And again, I have no idea where this came from, but I said:
"I was wrong."
He said, "What?" And I said, "I was wrong to try to talk you into staying with me if you don''t want to. I don''t want you to try the month-living-together thing for the sake of me. I am going to go back to sleep and just leave in the morning, OK? I am sorry you''re afraid and I''m sorry I couldn''t make you see that I am not your ex-wife, so....." He said, "Now you''re going in circles and I have a headache and feel like I''m going to get sick." I shut up and we fell asleep at some point.
Alarm goes off at 7A and he''s holding me tight - like he was going to crush my ribs. I still felt like sh*t. I sat up in bed and he tried to pull me back under the covers with him, and I said, "I don''t want to lie back down again....I have to get up and go to work." And then I started crying. Sobby crying like I never do. He whispered, "What?" And I said, "Tell me honestly - not just what you think I want to hear. Do you really want to try the month thing because you want to, or because you somehow feel bad for me?" And he started crying and said, "Because I really, truly want to know. And you know what''s effed up? I lied here last night, trying to imagine what my life would look like without you in it, and there was a big hole in it." And I said, "I''ve done the same and saw the same and it sucks. Not to mention, my son loves you and it would break my heart again to have to tell him we''re not together anymore."
I took a shower and left for work. He told me what I had on looked beautiful. He hugged and kissed me much tenderly than usual. I asked him if he wanted me to go to the show tonight (band playing at club) and he said, "If you want to." So I said, "OK. I guess I''ll leave my stuff here then and just change after work."
Ladies, if this man was a jerk, I would have walked in a second. In my heart, I don''t feel right about walking -- like it''s not the right time. Just thinking about breaking it off with him makes me sick. I really don''t know where I stand with him right now. I want to assume that a) everything is really OK and b) that we''re going to try the month-together experiment. But I need clarification on what really happened here. Part of me is wondering if I feel "insecure" because of how this went down....or if there is a better reason I am not seeing.
Bridget in Connecticut.
Neither my BF nor I are Valentine''s Day people (we think it''s an overblown Hallmark holiday), and given our tense relationship lately, I wasn''t expecting much out of the day. If you remember, we had "the talk" about 2 weeks ago, and I''ve been deliberately lying low. I was in work when he called me. He usually calls me around lunchtime, just to talk, because it breaks up the monotony of the day. When the phone rang, I thought it was either going to be his typical lighthearted chatter, or him asking me if I wanted to go out to dinner after work. Nope.
When I picked up the phone, he asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Working. Someone just left my office and I am trying to wrap my brain around the project they left me with. Why?" And he said, "I know you don''t like Valentine''s Day so I don''t really know what to do here." So I said, "Whatever you want. I don''t have any expectations." And there was this long pause and he said, "I''m just not feeling it." So I said, "Feeling what?" And he said, "This. I don''t know....I was doing a lot of thinking....and I feel like an @ss4ole. You''re an awesome woman. If I look at, I don''t know what you want to call it...your track record?.....you''re incredible. But there''s no fireworks going off that are telling me that you''re positively, absolutely the one for me."
Ladies, as you know, I''ve been sick all week with a bad cold. THAT was NOT what I expected him to say AT ALL. And not yesterday.
"What the #$^& planet have you been living on? This is not the #$^& movies. Love doesn''t offer fireworks and little birdies. It''s a lot more subtle than that. This is real life and we are not kids. Do you mean to tell me that it took you a year and a half to come to the realization that I am not for you...after our lives have gotten entwined to this point? As far as I''m concerned, you don''t see ME and never have. Everything you see when you see me is colored by your ex-wife. And that''s not fair."
All he could say in response was, "Maybe." Then he started crying and I said, "Are you home right now?" He was. I told my boss I was not feeling well and went over to his house.
I walked in and the first thing I said was, "Tell me you don''t love me anymore and don''t want to see me anymore." And he said, "But I can''t do that." So I said, "So what is it?" And he said, "I don''t know....I just don''t see a future here." And I said, "Do you think that or feel that?" And he said, "What''s the difference?" And I said, "If you really felt that, you would have just broken up with me." And he said, "I''m just....so....confused." We talked a lot about fear and things in our pasts that make us afraid of relationship stuff, etc. I told him, "In a lot of respects, love is a choice. I chose to love you and stick it out, in spite of all the problems that have gone down." Lots of tears and talking. And then he said, "You know, I had a thought I was thinking about. I have thought about putting an addition on the house to make room for you and P [my son]. Would you consider moving in with me for a month to see how it goes with us day to day, all the time? That way, we''d know for sure if moving forward is the right thing." And I said, "Sure." We are supposed to go on a trip at the end of the month, and we talked about the timeline for this starting when we come back. Fine with me. I should point out that my son splits the time with his father, so any time I have him, we would be at my house, per usual.
After a while, we looked over at the clock and he said, "I don''t want to cut this short, but we only have a couple of hours left of daylight, and I need to look at the lights on my trailor [he has a show to do tonight and the lights on his band trailer have been broken...and he got ticketed last time on them]." So I said, "Well, I''m going to go home and take a nap. Then he said, "Thank you for putting my dumb head on straight. Can I take you for dinner later?" I said, "Sure," and he said he''d call me when he was finished messing with the trailer lights and was on his way to get me. Then I asked him what his daughter was doing (she hadn''t come home from school yet); he told me his ex was taking her for a Valentine dinner around 6 and she''d be out for a couple hours, so he had time to come and get me and go somewhere.
Went home, napped and took a bath. I was feeling fine with the resolution we came up with. The phone rang @ 6:30 while I was in the tub. It was my BF. The first thing he said was, "I lost track of time." And I said, "What?" He said, "While I was under the trailer, Ray (a friend of his) stopped by and has been helping me with the electrical." I could clearly hear Ray in the background. Then he said, "I don''t know what you want to do. D (his daughter) is supposed to be back here at 8. The soonest I can get going is an hour from now." So I said, "Well, I''d thought you were coming to get me. Couldn''t you have called me earlier?" And he said, "I lost track of time and Ray drove by, saw me under the trailer, stopped by to see, and when he saw it was an electrical issue (Ray is an electrician), offered to help me."
After this, I felt deflated. It was like the earlier conversation meant nothing and he was trying to blow me off -- and I said so. He said, "Look. I already feel like an @ss4ole. I can call someone to watch D when she comes back...or you can come down here." And I said, "I don''t want to go all the way down there just to turn around and come back home." So he said, "If you feel comfortable, you can bring a bag and I can go out and get us dinner and we can eat in." I told him, "Fine." The last thing he said was, "I really am trying. I am sorry about the trailer. It''s one thing after another today."
I went down to his house and he wasn''t there but his daughter was. I asked her where he went and she said, "He went to get dinner and will be back in a second." Which he was. He had gone to this Italian place we like and bought calzones and also had bought me a dozen yellow roses.
It was his daughter''s bedtime anyway, and she went to bed while we ate dinner. By the time we finished, it was 10P. I was still feeling my cold, so I got a glass of TheraFlu and we lay in bed watching TV. We started dozing off and turned off the light. We didn''t sleep. Either he kept waking up or I kept waking up. It was uncomfortable. And again, I have no idea where this came from, but I said:
"I was wrong."
He said, "What?" And I said, "I was wrong to try to talk you into staying with me if you don''t want to. I don''t want you to try the month-living-together thing for the sake of me. I am going to go back to sleep and just leave in the morning, OK? I am sorry you''re afraid and I''m sorry I couldn''t make you see that I am not your ex-wife, so....." He said, "Now you''re going in circles and I have a headache and feel like I''m going to get sick." I shut up and we fell asleep at some point.
Alarm goes off at 7A and he''s holding me tight - like he was going to crush my ribs. I still felt like sh*t. I sat up in bed and he tried to pull me back under the covers with him, and I said, "I don''t want to lie back down again....I have to get up and go to work." And then I started crying. Sobby crying like I never do. He whispered, "What?" And I said, "Tell me honestly - not just what you think I want to hear. Do you really want to try the month thing because you want to, or because you somehow feel bad for me?" And he started crying and said, "Because I really, truly want to know. And you know what''s effed up? I lied here last night, trying to imagine what my life would look like without you in it, and there was a big hole in it." And I said, "I''ve done the same and saw the same and it sucks. Not to mention, my son loves you and it would break my heart again to have to tell him we''re not together anymore."
I took a shower and left for work. He told me what I had on looked beautiful. He hugged and kissed me much tenderly than usual. I asked him if he wanted me to go to the show tonight (band playing at club) and he said, "If you want to." So I said, "OK. I guess I''ll leave my stuff here then and just change after work."
Ladies, if this man was a jerk, I would have walked in a second. In my heart, I don''t feel right about walking -- like it''s not the right time. Just thinking about breaking it off with him makes me sick. I really don''t know where I stand with him right now. I want to assume that a) everything is really OK and b) that we''re going to try the month-together experiment. But I need clarification on what really happened here. Part of me is wondering if I feel "insecure" because of how this went down....or if there is a better reason I am not seeing.
Bridget in Connecticut.
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