Now I really did it :((

[junebug17]

LLJsmom, just want to let you know I'm sorry you're going through a rough time right now, life issues can definitely put some stress on a marriage, even a good and usually stable one - I know, I've been there. Sending lots of good thoughts your way that things get resolved quickly and you're feeling better about things soon. (((hugs)))).

 

[LLJsmom]

Girls, I am so mad at my husband right now that I cannot see straight. But I think I am also being unfair. I can't say why I'm mad and it's nothing that can be remedied. It was nothing done out of malice or intentionally. I'm so mean and unreasonable. I want to walk right up to Cartier and buy another bracelet and have him figure out the consequences. But I won't. It's like cutting off my nose to spite my face. I need to be rational.

I feel ya, LLJs. I've been pretty PO'd at DH over this estate garbage and it exposed some weak points in our way of problem solving as a partnership and not unilateral decisions

Life is not fair and sometimes its not the last thing your spouse does but ITS THE LAST TIME you feel like you can stand it or its the combined weight of the past and then that last straw hits and KA BOOM.

Don't give a piece of jewelry bad ju ju, wouldn't it be better to have that Cartier bracelet given to you with a box of chocolates and a quality bottle of wine or champagne, dinner out, etc.?

I'm sending dust for peace in your spirit and also good financial dust too. IMHO nothing is harder on a marriage than money problems.

Kristie, I love you. Your comment made me lol. You're RIGHT. No beautiful love bracelet deserves the bad ju-ju of being purchased out of anger/revenge. I tell you. It's that I think this beautiful piece of jewelry does not deserve this curse that is keeping me from buying it. Not that I even care about my hb right now. Thank you! You definitely made me laugh at myself too. Yeah. I don't engage in revenge-sex (not that this situation would warrant that). But I sure as hell am not above a little revenge shopping.

 

[azstonie]

Revenge shopping is cheaper than divorce and I highly recommend it. I like a new bag for revenge shopping, a new watch, shoes are good too!

 

[LLJsmom]

LLJsmom, just want to let you know I'm sorry you're going through a rough time right now, life issues can definitely put some stress on a marriage, even a good and usually stable one - I know, I've been there. Sending lots of good thoughts your way that things get resolved quickly and you're feeling better about things soon. (((hugs)))).

Thank you jb. I know you do understand. That it happens. I'm better now, at least not so heated as I was initially. Thank you for letting me just vent...

 

[MarionC]

LLJsmom, Why is it that the people we love the most make us the craziest?!
Glad things are cooling off a little.
AZ's advice about jewelry mojo is a hoot and very practical. Good thing there is no bag or shoe mojo : )

It's so good that you feel free to vent. I think it helps the rest of us remember that the NIRDIs are a wonderful support team and a great place to unload stress. We are the NIRDIs! We can take it!

 

[LLJsmom]

Thank you NIRDIS. I have cooled off a little more. I admit too, that I am not the easiest to deal with with regard to money. I bought my upgrade one late night and told him to transfer the money the next day. I never consulted him at all. Well, he knew I was looking... It was a lot of money for us. And he barely reproved me. Was just I shock.

 

[marcy]

Hi NIRDIs!

Kristie, those Killer Rabbits are ready to take on nasty people. That makes sense to train fire fighters with old houses.

Callie, I am all for a boring life. I want my family and friends happy and healthy and you can’t spend enough time with them. I don’t blame you guys for replacing all of the smoke detectors. They really should have an easily accessible off switch. Yes I understand that would be a bad thing because people wouldn’t replace the batteries but I swear on a stack of sapphires I would replace it but let me sleep through the night!

LLJsmom, sorry to hear you are having a rough time right now. Sending you lots of PS dust that everything works out quickly for you. Hugs to you.

Missy, Marty is leaving again Sunday. Rats. He was home for a few days anyway. I understand you don’t want to do anything you associate with being totally housebound. Definitely enjoy the nice weather while you can.

Jimmianne, you are so right the people we love can sure make us crazy! The NIRDI’s are a great support team.

I got called about a problem from work last night about 9. I was online until 10:45. I feel bad I didn’t great Marty very well when he got home. I couldn’t find the office instant messenger on my laptop. I hate to remote in to my desktop at work and kept getting kicked off. I was trying to talk to some our IT guys and engineers at corporate. IT was one of Marty’s departments before he left our company so instead of jumping up and being excited he was home I greeted him with “where the hell is the messenger program at work?” I apologized quickly but shouldn’t do things like that.

Work was quite interesting today. Our director had a closed door meeting with my new boss for about 90 minutes. The employee who has been pushing my buttons applied for a transfer the day after my boss and I talked to him about his attitude and confrontational behavior. The other manager wasn’t impressed with him but the director has some other people he may want to move around. I had a guy who worked for me that we’d love to have back and there is a lady in another department who might be good. If that works out I’d have more work but less hassles. I think getting rid of that poison to the team would be a good thing. I am rather hopeful but won’t count my chickens before they are shipping off somewhere else.

We are having a pretty heavy rainstorm right now. Yay!

Have a great weekend.
Marcy

 

[azstonie]

Hi Marcy, keep those rabbits hungry and angry, ok? I should know more next week. Looks like we will be able to get things finalized by then. I'm glad Problem Child is trying to get a transfer. He needs to start fresh, he made a very stupid mistake in pointing at you (classic misdirection technique) instead of asking for mercy and straightening up. He's disloyal and stupid, a bad combo to have on your team.
I say let one of the killer rabbits hit him in the a$$ on his way out

 

[missy]

Good morning girls!

LLJSmom, I totally empathize with how you were feeling yesterday. I have been there but I was not as mature as you (I can be a hot head) and it was at the very beginning of our marriage so everything was more difficult as I was adjusting to living with someone and it wasn't easy for me. I admit I was a handful in those days and honestly still can be. I know it. So I get where you are coming from feeling you may be behaving unfairly/unreasonably but darn it you still feel how you are feeling and there is no escaping our feelings. And I know you can never really be mean but I know what you are saying as I have felt that way too.

My dh did something that really pissed me off all those years ago (hit one of my hot buttons unknowingly) and I went out and purchased a 2K necklace. It was not even a piece I had my eye on LOL I just went out in search of something I could buy to do damage to make him angry the way I was angry at the time. I knew it would make him angry even though he never (so rarely) gets angry about money usually but we had 2 new mortgages and were in quite a bit of debt. We had recently bought our first beach house and renovated that and bought our NYC co-op and we had just gut renovated that too (super expensive that gut reno) and we took out a loan to do all of it and money was very tight at that time! I didn't give myself any cooling off period after the phone call with him that made me crazy angry. I just hung up from our phone call and left the apartment and went right out to our local (and overpriced) jewelry store.

Fortunately for me I have no bad ju ju associated with the necklace and in fact I brought it with me during this past week of beach vacation. It is blue and that is my favorite color and while it doesn't get much wear that is not because I don't love the necklace. It is just because I don't wear necklaces a lot especially when it is hot out.

Now I don't do that anymore (at least with jewelry) but there have been a few occasions where I have been tempted believe me. And I reserve the right to go ahead and purchase something really expensive if my dh ever pisses me off that way again. He knows it too so actually it helped if you think about it as he knows there are consequences to his rude actions and I can happily say he never ignored another concern of mine again.

BUT I am so glad you cooled off and did not act as rashly (haha rashly get it LOL) as I did all those years ago. Just wanted you to know you are not alone and the very definition of the word MAN means dense and clueless at times. Even the best of men (our dhs) can fall into that definition sometimes. Hoping everything is better today and yanno I sort of like the idea of getting a little something to ease your trauma from yesterday. Revenge shopping (as Kristie calls it) can make one feel better. Shoes, a bag, an outfit. All very manageable on a limited budget and can make you feel good and cheer you up a bit. Just saying.

And of course you have us NIRDIs. We are here for you sweetie and between all of us our life experience is pretty extensive. (((HUGS)))!!!


Jimmianne, the reason the people we love the most can make us the craziest is because they can push those proverbial hot buttons the way no one else can. LOL makes us want to kill them sometimes. I just chalk it up to being passionate. Haha at least that is how I excuse my crazy hot headed behavior at times.

When will your land purchase be completed? Oh I wish we all lived closer because this is a perfect occasion for celebrating!!! Will you be doing anything special to commemorate this purchase? Hmm perhaps a handsome fireman can help you celebrate.

Marcy, glad the work issue is getting resolved and I am sure Marty understands how you were feeling when he got home last night. You were under some pressure there so don't worry. Phooey to him going on another business trip so soon though. Hope you enjoyed the rainstorm last night and I hope you have a great weekend with Marty before he goes on his next business trip. (((Hugs))).


Enjoy your Saturday girls!

 

[MarionC]

Good Morning, NIRDIs [and lurkers...do you think there are many? or have PSer given up trying to keep up with "As the NIRDIs Turn"? haha]

My Friend recommended a book to me and I am loving it - so upbeat. It's called Super Brain..."unleashing the explosive power of your mind to maximize health & happiness". It's by Deepak Chopra and a Harvard professor of neurology. I highly recommend it. Here are a couple of quotes from the first chapter:
"I look upon every day as a new world".
"I will keep evolving my whole lifetime".
They then talk about running your brain instead of it running you and the science of the brain : )
If that sounds dry, it's not. It's a great read.

I know this outlook works, but I had forgotten and was feeling stuck. So I pass it along in the event that it may be of some interest!

I had an "art therapy" session yesterday - always such fun. My mentor is almost 80 and has the most intelligent, inspiring, positive outlook on life.
I showed her my sketchbooks from my recent trip and she suggested I put a show together. In other words, she gave me an interesting job. Being retired with children grown has it's perks, but it seems it can be all too easy to slow down into a rut. no no no
Art, bling and cute fire fighters, yes.

Missy, I can hear notification dings that someone is posting to the thread. I think it might be you! - so off I go to read your morning letter to us.

 

[missy]

Jimmianne, that was/is me! Good morning!

I love those excerpts you posted from the Deepak Chopra and neurologist's book. I will check it out, thank you. I also love your tagline and believe that is also the key to happiness. Don't do things halfheartedly rather just do what you are passionate about and happiness will be yours. And another one I am so trying to work on that is the most challenging for me...live in the moment without trying to look too far ahead (or behind) and worrying about the future. Your present is where you are and where you should enjoy each moment.

Glad you are enjoying your art therapy. It sounds wonderful! I would love to attend a show of your artwork!

 

[Calliecake]

LLJsmom's, I hope you are feeling better today. I don't think there is a woman out there who can't relate to what you said. The people we love the most are usually the ones that can push our buttons the hardest. I try to think before I open my mouth when I'm mad but am usually not successful. About 10 years ago my husband and I were driving to dinner and I could tell something was wrong. He proceed to make the comment that someone (meaning me) had a great month. It was one of the few months that I hadn't spent much money so I had no idea what he was talking about. At dinner he told me that I had spent $7,000 dollars the past month which was news to me. He was so mad at me. To make a long story short he had to eat his words because the $7,000 was for his golf and trap shooting dues. I was then even madder because I would never spend that kind of money without talking to him first. I could see his mind thinking "why didn't I just keep my mouth shut". I went out and had a wonderful time at Nordstrom a few days later. I have to admit it really did make me feel better. A couple pairs of shoes later and life was good again!

Missy, I hope you are staying cool and the wasps have all died!

Marcy, Please don't be so hard in yourself. I'm sure Marty understands as he has probably had more than a couple of those days himself. I hope you are having a nice weekend before Marty has to leave again. My husband is on his way home now from a trip.

 

[LLJsmom]

Girls, thank you for understanding and not judging me. I knew that if anyone could understand revenge shopping it would be you girls. I ended up going to do yoga and bought a 25 card pass for $300, which I had been putting off bc money was tight. Then today I spent another $100 and registered for another marathon in May 2016. And I bought my daughter a gymnastics top at lululemon for kids. And I had a delicious and reasonably priced dinner with an awesome dessert that included Mexican chocolate bread pudding, dulce de leche with fleur de sel and mint chip gelato. Soooooo good. Honey and sausage pizza with Serrano chili. Best pizza I have ever had. So I'm better. Hate admitting but in the past 4 years I have spent about three years worth of private school tuition on jewelry. Lucky my kids go to,public school. And my DH has just wanted me to be happy. So I should appreciate him for how great he is and not focus on the mistakes. He gives me plenty of grace. The least I can do is do the same. I admit running 10 miles today has helped, and talking to a friend I haven't chatted with in a long time was good.

Thank you for sharing your personal experiences. It makes me not feel so alone, and not so guilty. Missy, I'm glad you do love your necklace. . I'm also glad he learned his lesson. Lol!

 

[MarionC]

So - are we in sync or something? I had a huge fight with my daughter that left me sobbing quietly in a public restaurant and I still feel shattered. She and I don't do that, and I NEVER lose it like that but it happened yesterday. She apologized and took me to an estate jewelers to recover haha.
My own fault. She can smell a veiled criticism 10 miles away. I was gently trying to get her to wear less flamboyant clothing when traveling alone next week. Out came the claws and now I am licking my wounds. It DOES help to tell it here. These things maybe "tempests in a tea pot" but like a superficial paper cut, they hurt a lot!

LLJsmom, I like that you took yourself on a bit of a shopping excursion, and glad that it helped. You really found the holy grail of delicious & therapeutic food!
I don't think any of us should ever feel guilty about buying bling... it's a portable investment..right?!

 

[Calliecake]

Jimmianne, I'm so sorry to hear you had a fight with your daughter. I hope you are feeling better. It broke my heart to hear you were sobbing and feeling shattered (hugs). It is very obvious from your posts how close your daughter and you are. It seems like everything is much better between the two of you now. From what you said it seems you were concerned with her safety. I hope your daughter understands your heart was in the right place. My mom and I had two huge arguments (the shattering kind) about 15 years ago within a short period of time. Things are okay with us but our relationship changed greatly after the arguments and we were never as close as we had been the arguements. It still makes me sad fifteen years later. The people we love the most are the ones that can cause the deepest hurts.

 

[junebug17]

Hello everyone!

Missy, I hope you're having a great time at the beach! It's going to heat up but I hope you can still get some cycling in. And you are so right, boring is just fine! I'm just afraid I'm going to put you girls to sleep lol. But yes, boring also means peaceful and calm, which I love. I really don't feel like doing much of anything anyway haha!

LLJsmom, I'm so glad to read you're feeling a bit calmer and not as upset. I think as the days pass you will feel even better. And I fully support treating yourself to a few special things to help with the healing process! Yeah, marriage can be challenging at times…there are bound to be issues and strong differences of opinion, that's just the nature of relationships. Keeping you in my thoughts and hoping you continue to feel even better in the next few days. (((hugs))) This thread is a safe place to vent, and is very cathartic! I for one am glad you feel comfortable sharing with us. I feel the same way, it's nice knowing this thread is here for support and comfort when we need it.

Jimmianne, I'm really sorry to hear about the fight with your dd, my daughter is 26 and I can relate. It's very upsetting and painful to be at odds with someone we love and care about so much! And as mothers, we have good intentions…our top priority is their safety and well-being, but unfortunately they don't always see it that way . I have been struggling with wanting to broach a certain topic with my daughter because I'm worried for her but have been afraid I would be seen as over-stepping and intrusive, so I have stayed quiet. The situation seems to have been resolved (for now, anyway) and she seems to have worked things out by herself, but a part of me is upset with myself for not being more honest with her. OTOH she might have taken it as criticism and become defensive and angry with me. But I still might have to say my peace if the issue comes up again. The whole thing has been very difficult for me. Honestly, it's so hard to figure what to say, how to say it, and even whether it should be said or not! Sorry, I've rambled but I'm very glad you and dd have worked things out and all is well between you. That's a great feeling!

Marcy, sorry Marty is traveling so much . And don't be too tough on yourself, you were under stress and everyone does things like that occasionally. We all do and say things from time to time we shouldn't! I'm sure Marty understood. I really hope your difficult employee gets placed elsewhere! I agree with Kristie that he's shown he's a detriment and things will go more smoothly without him.

Hope everyone is having a good Sunday! See you all later!

 

[MarionC]

June, I know! It's so hard to see something with an adult child and not say anything. As my DD said yesterday, how she lives her life is not my business - - unless she invites me to discuss things. It's hard for a Mother, yes? We want everything perfect for them, but our perfect is not their perfect : )

and Callie, thank you for sharing. I know your Mother loves you more than life itself. I wish there were some way to bring the relationship to a better place. Does she live very far away from you? Do you see each other often?
Your post was good for me. Although things have smoothed out, I feel less than happy about a plan we had for this week and thought of cancelling, but now know that even if I am feeling bruised I should spend the time with her...in a positive way.

Off to do SOMETHING constructive or creative after a bit of dark chocolate. Just got back from visiting my friend & her new grandbaby. I'd forgotten how much work THAT stage is!
Let's hear it for puppies and kittens!!!

 

[missy]

Jimmianne, biggest hugs to you. Your dd doesn't realize how darn lucky she is to have such a cool and caring mom. You are going to always view her as your child, your baby even when she is 50 and you are always going to feel protective of her and that is OK. Arguments are a normal part of any important relationship and especially the mother daughter one. OMG I fight a lot with my mom.

I am glad you feel better about it and I am sure your dd will also cool off and realize that perhaps she overreacted. I am glad you are keeping your plans with her this week and will leave things on a happy note before her trip.

And yes, let's hear it for puppies and kittens! Much easier being a mom to our sweet furbabies no doubt.


Junie, we had a great cycling vacation here at the beach this past week. Lots of miles despite the last few days of heat. We just got started early each morning and were out in fact before 7AM today LOL. I am glad you are enjoying relaxing and not stressing. I LOVE boring and continue rocking that because life is good when all is calm.


Callie, so far so good! I cannot believe we had 6 nests around the outside of the house. Scary.
Hope you are enjoying the weekend with your dh and that he got to play golf early this morning.


LLJsmom, I am thinking of you and continuing to send good vibes and big hugs your way. Hoping your weekend is going smoothly and that things are good!

Hope everyone is enjoying this August weekend and hugs to you all.

 

[Calliecake]

Jimmianne, Thank you so much for your kind words. For what it's worth I am glad you are going to keep the plans you made with your daughter. It's obvious that you and your daughter are very close. I think all daughters have certain topics they don't want to hear their moms opinions about. It kind of sounds like clothes are your daughters hot button. If that is the case I just wouldn't discuss her clothing choices with her. In a few years she will probably be dressing completely differently anyway. My mom has been telling me how to wear my hair since I was 12. It drives me crazy and she knows it. She brings it up constantly. She has had very short hair since I was a small child and feels my hair should be the same. It drives her crazy that I like longer hair. All moms and daughters have hot buttons. We all pretty much get over it when those buttons have been pushed. Sometimes it just takes a week or two.

I live very close to my mom. We talk all the time and things aren't bad between us. I just often wish we were as close as we used to be. The older I get the more I realize that none of us ever knows how much time we have. I have friends who have lost their parents and know how devastating it has been for them. I try not to let the small stuff she says bother me (opinions on how I should wear my hair). I also tell myself on the big things that she probably did what she thought was best at the time especially if it was a decision I would not have made. I also realize that I have it pretty easy just having a furbaby. Heck all she can do is bark when I irritate her!

Kristie and Missy, Thank you for always making me see another way of handling things where my family is concerned. You both mean more to me than you could possibly know.

 

[MarionC]

Aw Missy you are so kind.
You fight with your Mom??! No way.
But if that's the case I think it's OK and probably very normal.


oh -btw did you see that huge beauty at the top of Grace's newsletter today? [it sold already]. I wonder who the lucky person is...hopefully it will show up on PS so we can all be part of the setting search.
I really need a [vicarious] bling fixaroo.

 

[azstonie]

Jimmianne, I want you to know that there have been many times on this thread that I thought "She's a good mother." I still think that. And that is HUGE praise from me. Its not BS.

I've been open, probably too open ad nauseum, about my relationship with my parents.

So in the spirit of offering a different perspective to someone I like (you) who maybe I could save some future heartache, I'm going to write a few things here. Please feel free as you read them to say "That AZStonie, eff her and the horse she rode in on! By her own standards, WHO ASKED HER?!!!"

1. Was the criticism of her clothing a surprise to her---> was she expecting a nonconfrontational lunch? If so, that was no fair on your part. Fair would be: "Dear daughter, please have lunch with me, I want to give you input on the clothes you wear." Daughters do not like the Sneak Criticism Attack.

2. Were you direct? Direct is respectful. Direct is fair. Direct is a productive way to talk to someone. Did you tell her "I want to talk about your clothing and give you advice on what you should be wearing." Then, she can be direct in turn with YOU, by saying "No, mom, I'd like to just have a happy lunch where we talk about anything other than that and we don't get in a fight." If you're not direct, then she has to deal with your commentary on a subsurface level which at the least is unfair on your part (you knew what you wanted to talk to her about, she had no idea) and is unproductive (everyone is upset).

3. Adult to adult conversation would be more like this: "I'd like to talk to you about your clothing; may I?" Everything is up front and honest.

So for sure, get the puppies and kittens and mini ponies and WHERE IS MR PUFF? and some chocolate and some sparklies because you're one terrific person and you deserve all those things and more including a close relationship with your DD that lasts til the day you're off this planet.

 

[marcy]

Hi NIRDIs!

Kristie, I’ll keep the Killer Rabbits a little agitated this week incase they need to go “see” someone in another part of Wyoming. I sure hope my problem child does move along because his life in my department isn’t going to be pleasant until I am convinced he’s turned himself around. He’s been a negative force on my team for too long and it simply must stop. I like your suggestions about adult conversations – direct is best.

Missy, I think we’ve all been there with some of those angry purchases. I am glad you got a nice necklace on your revenge shopping.

Jimmianne, even the title of that book is great – Super Brain. Your art project sounds exciting! I am sorry to hear you had a fight with your daughter. I hope you are feeling better. Callie said exactly what I was going to say that you were concerned about her safety.

Callie, your shopping trip to Nordstrom was certainly justified. I have also been there where your DH found himself, making the wrong assumption about something and being very vocal about it. Many of my sapphire purchases coincided with annual golf fees, strange how that could happen, huh? I am glad your husband is home from his trip.

LLJsmom, I am glad you are feeling better. I think buying a yoga pass and registering for a marathon is a great idea; something special for you.

Junebug, it is hard to keep quiet when we want to help those we love; I am glad to hear your daughter’s situation is resolved for now.

Marty is on his way to the airport. The weekend went by too fast and he did not get those stinking batteries put in the smoke detectors. I remembered about 10 minutes before he left. He said I’d be okay; if one of those suckers goes off in the middle of the night I am texting him. Ha!

We met my sister, BIL and some nieces and nephews for supper last night. It was fun.

Have a great day!
Marcy

 

[MarionC]

Aw Missy you are so kind.
You fight with your Mom??! No way.
But if that's the case I think it's OK and probably very normal.

oh ha now I'm quoting myself!
Missy, I didn't mean that I was reassuring YOU that it's normal...I meant - if even sweet YOU have a tiff now & then with your Mom, then I guess it's OK & normal that I sometimes fight with my DD : )

AZ, thanks. I won't go into detail, but my DD mentioned the clothing issue first. I should not have responded. My input was not needed.
will it happen again? probably lol
Thanks again for the thumbs up on being a good mother!

 

[junebug17]

Missy, it's great you were able to get a lot of cycling in! Are you heading back to the city tomorrow?

Jimmianne, yes, it certainly can be hard! As mothers it's hard sometimes to step back and let our kids lead their own lives and make their own choices, particularly when we don't completely agree with said choices I'm learning how to deal with it but I admit I'm a work in progress ! I think the mother-daughter relationship is a rather complicated one and the occasional fight is pretty common. I'm glad you are keeping your plans (even though I kinda get how you're feeling right now). It just takes a little time to recover from these spats. Hugs to you my friend!

Marcy, it's a shame Marty had to leave so soon after getting home. I'm in the same boat - My husband is traveling this week too, he'll be gone until next Monday. I'm a little more down about it than I usually am for some reason. This trip is longer than his recent ones. I'll be fine, I'm going to my mother's anyway for a good part of the week, and my son is home. I think it's just my Sunday "blahs" kicking in! Hmm, I somehow managed to make this all about me haha! Just wanted to let you know you're not alone and I'm grateful we have the wonderful NIRDIS to keep us company!

Your family dinner sounds like it was a lot of fun!

LLJsmom, hope you're feeling ok and having a good weekend!

I'll check in with you all in the a.m.!

 

[missy]

Good morning NIRDIs!!!

Callie, I feel the very same about you sweetie! I hope you know that.

Junie, I am sorry your dh is traveling all week and I hope the week goes quickly for you and that you have a good visit with your mom. Yes we are returning to NYC this AM and I am sort of blue about it. I always get that feeling of nervous butterflies in my stomach when it is time to get back to "real life". Is that pathetic LOL. Sunday night blues never left me even after school is long over. Sigh.

Marcy, I am glad you had a good dinner with your family the other night. It is so nice how you meet them for these dinners.

I am sending you lots of good luck dust that those darn smoke detectors behave till Marty returns home again and changes those batteries.

I am sorry he had to travel again so soon but hoping your week goes smoothly and the time goes quickly till your dh is home again with you where he belongs! In the meantime those teddy bears and killer bunnies will take care of you.

Jimmianne, thank you for the clarification but I got what you meant so no worries. I think my mother and I fight because we are too similar if that makes sense and both sort of stubborn. I am working on just letting annoying things she says roll off me and ignoring them so we don't get into these tiffs as often as we do. Maybe your dd needs to work on that too LOL.

Anyway I know you will have a lovely visit with her this week and it will more than make up for the disagreement you had and that will be a distant and soon forgotten memory. Remember she is young and the young sometimes react without thinking it through. Of course we (I) do that sometimes too but it sounds like your dd reacted with a more knee jerk reaction that was not warranted in this case. Sending you more hugs. One of the coolest moms I know!

We are off to Brooklyn in a few hours and I will check back with you girls later. Hope everyone has a good Monday!

 

[azstonie]

Jimmianne, I should have known you are not a practitioner of the Sneak Attack and its friends: Lunch Sneak Attack, Dinner Sneak Attack, and the ever popular Middle-of-Nordstrom's Sneak Attack

I stand corrected

 

[MarionC]

Jimmianne, I should have known you are not a practitioner of the Sneak Attack and its friends: Lunch Sneak Attack, Dinner Sneak Attack, and the ever popular Middle-of-Nordstrom's Sneak Attack

I stand corrected

LOL
I am too afraid of my DD to do that
If she is reading this...Just kidding!!

 

[azstonie]

Jimmianne, I should have known you are not a practitioner of the Sneak Attack and its friends: Lunch Sneak Attack, Dinner Sneak Attack, and the ever popular Middle-of-Nordstrom's Sneak Attack

I stand corrected

LOL
I am too afraid of my DD to do that
If she is reading this...Just kidding!!

Maybe the Lunch Sneak Attack was done to YOU!!!!!! I hope not!!!!! It's awful!!!!!

 

[LLJsmom]

Hi girls, I'm doing better. I just needed to make the decision to put it out of my mind.

Jimmianne, I'm so sorry about your fight with your DD. I know those can be soooo upsetting. I'm 43 and I still get into fights (every couple of years) with my mom, where I think she becomes completely unreasonable and irrational. And I am so unforgiving about it. She's a person who takes things very personally. Yet, she can be completely insensitive and say hurtful things to people when she is upset. I just don't get her. I think she and I are very different in temperment. I guess mother / daughter relationships will never be simple or stress free. I wonder how it will be for me and my daughter...

 

[missy]

Good morning girls! I am glad to hear Jimmianne and LLJsmom that you are both feeling better. Yes sometimes just making a decision whatever that is allows you to put the troubling issue out of mind so you can be at ease.

Here is an article from the WSJ that pertains to worrying and I thought I would share it here with you girls. In case you haven't noticed I tend to worry (I know big shocker) and think ahead too much and while I am doing better in that department it is hard work and I think a few of you might find the article interesting.

http://www.wsj.com/articles/worrying-about-the-future-ruminating-on-the-pasthow-thoughts-affect-mental-health-1439223597?cb=logged0.2828811875078827

Patrick Molloy has a great fear of offending people. At the end of each day, he replays every one of his conversations and interactions in his head, to figure out if he needs to apologize to anyone.

The 44-year-old graphic designer says it’s nearly impossible to turn these swirling thoughts off. “It feels like an unwelcome guest in my mind,” says Mr. Molloy, who lives in West Sussex in the U.K. “It’s wearying and it’s discouraging.”

It is a normal human tendency to dwell on thoughts when something goes wrong, such as the death of a loved one or a goal that we wanted to achieve but didn’t. But some people, like Mr. Molloy, can’t stop thinking this way even when they desperately want to.



Scientists increasingly believe that cycles of uncontrollable worry or rumination may be an important mechanism underpinning a range of psychological disorders, such as depression, anxiety, eating disorders and substance abuse, and may even make them worse.

Rumination has been found to predict both the onset of depression as well as the continuation of it in a number of studies. In the lab, participants’ symptoms worsen when they are asked or taught to ruminate, according to Ed Watkins, a professor of experimental and applied clinical psychology at the University of Exeter, who has conducted some of the studies.

Scientists define rumination as uncontrollable, repetitive dwelling on the causes, meanings and implications of negative feelings or events that have happened. In contrast, worry tends to be about the future, such as what might go wrong.

Researchers are studying what causes these intrusive, repetitive thoughts and what can be done to help people who suffer from these unhelpful cycles. One area of investigation centers on understanding biases and deficits in basic thought and attention processes. Another area looks at how concretely or abstractly we think about problems.

The propensity to ruminate appears to result from a combination of genetic, personality and learning history, experts say. Personality traits like neuroticism and conscientiousness are tightly linked with rumination, as are negative experiences like childhood abuse, trauma and bullying.

In addition, researchers have found that the more one dwells on problems in an unhelpful way, the more one gets locked into the pattern, until even small triggers can spark a cycle automatically.

Elaine Fox, an experimental psychology professor at the University of Oxford, and her research team have found that people who are high worriers are less able to control their attention and block out distraction. ENLARGE
Elaine Fox, an experimental psychology professor at the University of Oxford, and her research team have found that people who are high worriers are less able to control their attention and block out distraction.

Elaine Fox, an experimental psychology professor at the University of Oxford, and her team have found that people who are high worriers are less able to control their attention and block out distraction. In one study, published last month in the journal Clinical Psychological Science, participants were asked to sit for 15 minutes, focus on breathing and relax. Then they were instructed to worry about their typical topic of worry for five minutes. Then they were asked to suppress those thoughts for the final five minutes—and to click a handheld counter each time the worry popped into their minds. High worriers were less able to suppress the unwanted thoughts than low worriers.

The team now is working on training strategies to help worriers improve their attention control and other thought processes. Being better able to block out distraction, even without directly addressing worrying, should help, Dr. Fox says. “Worrying is like an internal distraction.”

Cognitive retraining strategies are popular in the psychology field, but it can be difficult to develop them and demonstrate a benefit. They have been used with some success in treating some anxiety disorders.

Her group now is studying a cognitive retraining method using over 15 sessions and a task that improves working memory, which is important for processing new and previously learned information. The thinking is that if participants can learn to hold more information in the brain at a time, rather than giving all their focus to worries, they will be able to think and process other information better and avoid distracting thoughts.

Dr. Watkins and his team at the University of Exeter have found that there are helpful ways to dwell on difficulties, such as to think concretely about a situation and focus on sensory details, how it happened and how to do it differently next time. In contrast, people who engage in unhelpful, depressive or stressful rumination tend to focus on the issue more negatively, globally and abstractly. They often focus on “why” questions such as “Why does this always happen? Why do I always do this?”

In one study, Dr. Watkins trained ruminators and depressed people to think more concretely by giving them daily mental exercises that focused on solving the problem. After one week, they saw significant decreases in self-reported rumination and depression relative to the placebo control group. Later they found similar effects on patients with major depression. Dr. Watkins’s team is building on this work for future studies, such as testing whether such a strategy could help prevent depression in adolescents.

Danielle Smith, a 28-year-old paralegal in Brooklyn, says she has learned to gain control of ruminative thinking, by asking herself if her reaction is valid, or an overreaction.


Danielle Smith, a 28-year-old paralegal in Brooklyn, says she has learned to gain control of ruminative thinking, by asking herself if her reaction is valid, or an overreaction.


Beyond cognitive retraining, two other techniques can be helpful, experts say—mindfulness, in which people learn to observe but not judge or evaluate themselves, and cognitive behavioral therapy. In the latter, people are taught to evaluate how likely it is that their worry will actually happen, and to reinterpret situations in a more positive way. They learn to problem-solve rather than ruminate, according to Nilly Mor, a professor in the school of education at Hebrew University who studies rumination.

Danielle Smith, a 28-year-old paralegal in Brooklyn, says she has been ruminating since her teens, when she became depressed. Her worries have been debilitating at times, she says. If she makes a mistake at work, she’ll focus on how she messed up, which makes her anxious, hesitant and even physically shaky.

Once in a while, she says, ruminating can help her solve a problem, such as by thinking about how to prevent a situation in the future.

Rather than letting her thoughts overwhelm her, Ms. Smith, through practice, now asks herself whether her reaction is valid or an overreaction. Sometimes she enlists the help of her brother, with whom she’s very close.

To others who are struggling with rumination, Ms. Smith says, “You’re not alone, there are other people who are out there dealing with this. Be honest to yourself and say, hey, I might have a problem. Think about what might that problem be.”

Patrick Molloy says when he catches himself starting to ruminate at night, he acknowledges there is nothing he can do at the moment, decides to take action on the thought in the morning if necessary and simply ‘parks it.’


Patrick Molloy says when he catches himself starting to ruminate at night, he acknowledges there is nothing he can do at the moment, decides to take action on the thought in the morning if necessary and simply ‘parks it.’


Mr. Molloy, from West Sussex, says after cognitive-behavioral therapy and other treatment, he has gained perspective on his thoughts. Before, when he was ruminating at night before trying to sleep, he would want to call a person from work immediately if he thought he had offended him. He especially worried that if it were a client, the person would want to cancel the contract.

Now he says to himself, “There may be something I need to clarify with that client in the morning. I can’t do anything now so I can’t worry about it now.” After acknowledging and assessing the thought, he says he is able to “park it” and stop ruminating.

Write to Shirley S. Wang at [email protected]

I have a dermatologist appointment today and it is a very hot day so I am sure going to be sweaty by the time I get there. Talk about the dog days of summer. August can be sweltering sometimes even more than July though historically July is the hottest month. Right now though I think August is winning if you can call it that haha. It is HOT. Hope you girls are remaining cool and comfortable! Enjoy the day.