OK, OK...I'm selfish!

[steph72276]

I didn't have time to read the responses, but just wanted to say in no way does having 1 child (or no children!) make you selfish! What would be selfish is to have lots of children and not want to take good care of them! I say hold your head up high and be proud that you actually thought things out....oh and don't shoot me, but I thought I didn't want anymore until Andrew hit 4 and then all of a sudden, I really got the urge to have another so you never know!

 

[TravelingGal]

Hmm... now I think maybe I should only have one kid too!

I feel all the same things you do, TGal, and my personality is a lot like yours it sounds. One difference is that my husband is an extrovert and seems to be quite tireless in his enjoyment of our son. At this point in our lives, I actually think DH does the majority of the hands on childcare on a daily basis, and thank goodness because I do find much of it to be fairly draining in a way that he does not. He then goes away with his friends or goes golfing and I do large chunks of childcare, which maybe balances. But maybe not. It is funny, because I am an organizer/caretaker by nature. But right now, I feel like I care for my husband (organize his life, do our finances, offer support, love him) and he does the rote childcare stuff that wears me down -- he wakes up in the morning with Hunter, does brekkie and all that while I, well, sleep most often.

I feel guilty sometimes about our arrangement, but then my husband will hug me and tell me what a wonderful wife and mother I am? I think I have him fooled

Ha dreamer, you do not have him fooled...from what I can tell you are wonderful wife and mother, to the best of YOUR ability, which includes the need to get some extra Z's!

TGuy gets Amelia in the morning too. It's a lifesaver for me. Sometimes I play possum to make sure he goes and does it.

Chicagolawyer, glad you came out of lurkdom, and thanks for your post!

MariaD, glad to hear how great your family life is!

Alj, I think you're right in that it's easier to have one kid nowadays because of the support. At least, god, I hope so!

Jenn, you know I think you, Amelia and your DH are perfect the way you all are...minus any creative frosting ideas your husband might have.

 

[Jennifer W]

Why thank you, my dear! Perfect works for me...

Dreamer, don't feel bad - my set up is a lot like yours, except DH can play golf after I'm dead and I don't do any organising of him, his finances or any other aspect (I do love him, though). I also like when he does my laundry, cleaning, shopping and brings me coffee. Granted, I'm selfish to the core, but I do have a really nice life, so it can't all be bad. Plus, he tells me he's happy.

 

[Bella_mezzo]

Jenn-You just made me laugh out loud at my desk!

I am still working on becoming a mom, but you ladies are all inspirational, whether you have 0 kids, 1 kids, or multiple kids!!!!!!

 

[Jennifer W]

Inspirational? Wow, if we haven't scared you off parenting, nothing will! You're going to be a fantastic mom, and I think sooner rather than later.

Personally, I think the most important thing is to enjoy it - whether you have one or twenty one, if you enjoy it, that's half the battle. Of course, it's easier to enjoy it if someone else gets up early and fixes breakfast...

 

[KimberlyH]

People have children for selfish reasons, including the belief that their genes are so amazing they must be passed on or the world might be worse off (I'm so glad I don't suffer such grand illusions, I just hope our daughter didn't inherit the worst parts of me). The act of raising children well is the selfless part. People who don't get this, well their the ones who should be questioning their choice regarding how many kids to have.

 

[Porridge]

Ha, great post. It's amazing how opinionated people are about things that in no way affect them isn't it?

Anyway, I am an only child, happy as a pig in $%&£ and my parents are the least selfish people I know. I had a fabulous childhood. I recommend daycare and afterschool activities if you want other kids for Amelia to play with!

 

[Dreamer_D]

Why thank you, my dear! Perfect works for me...

Dreamer, don't feel bad - my set up is a lot like yours, except DH can play golf after I'm dead and I don't do any organising of him, his finances or any other aspect (I do love him, though). I also like when he does my laundry, cleaning, shopping and brings me coffee. Granted, I'm selfish to the core, but I do have a really nice life, so it can't all be bad. Plus, he tells me he's happy.

Jenn, you must let me in on your secret... surely you offer him something of great value besides your sunny disposition?

As an only child, I will add that being selfish is the ONE trait that you can guarantee your kid will have in spades compared to other kids. Well, not selfish per se, but a sort of pattented inability to think of others automatically and difficulty sharing. My husband still gives me grief about the fact that I will go get a glass of water and not get him one. It doesn't cross my mind! And sharing, forget about it. I am so used to getting my own way.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Hmm... now I think maybe I should only have one kid too!

I feel all the same things you do, TGal, and my personality is a lot like yours it sounds. One difference is that my husband is an extrovert and seems to be quite tireless in his enjoyment of our son. At this point in our lives, I actually think DH does the majority of the hands on childcare on a daily basis, and thank goodness because I do find much of it to be fairly draining in a way that he does not. He then goes away with his friends or goes golfing and I do large chunks of childcare, which maybe balances. But maybe not. It is funny, because I am an organizer/caretaker by nature. But right now, I feel like I care for my husband (organize his life, do our finances, offer support, love him) and he does the rote childcare stuff that wears me down -- he wakes up in the morning with Hunter, does brekkie and all that while I, well, sleep most often.

I feel guilty sometimes about our arrangement, but then my husband will hug me and tell me what a wonderful wife and mother I am? I think I have him fooled

Ha dreamer, you do not have him fooled...from what I can tell you are wonderful wife and mother, to the best of YOUR ability, which includes the need to get some extra Z's!

TGuy gets Amelia in the morning too. It's a lifesaver for me. Sometimes I play possum to make sure he goes and does it.

Back at ya babe! And I wear earplugs in part so I have the excuse to "not hear" the kid wake up It is all spoiled now though because since Hunter is moving into the toddler programme he has to be at daycare by 8:45 (we usuallu mosey him in there around 9:30), and so I officially have to wake up with the men now

 

[TravelingGal]

Why thank you, my dear! Perfect works for me...

Dreamer, don't feel bad - my set up is a lot like yours, except DH can play golf after I'm dead and I don't do any organising of him, his finances or any other aspect (I do love him, though). I also like when he does my laundry, cleaning, shopping and brings me coffee. Granted, I'm selfish to the core, but I do have a really nice life, so it can't all be bad. Plus, he tells me he's happy.

Jenn, you must let me in on your secret... surely you offer him something of great value besides your sunny disposition?

As an only child, I will add that being selfish is the ONE trait that you can guarantee your kid will have in spades compared to other kids. Well, not selfish per se, but a sort of pattented inability to think of others automatically and difficulty sharing. My husband still gives me grief about the fact that I will go get a glass of water and not get him one. It doesn't cross my mind! And sharing, forget about it. I am so used to getting my own way.

Great, then I'll do my best so Amelia doesn't MARRY an only child!

 

[Mara]

TG...I agree with all your bolded points. While I love my child and husband, I also have an identity that is mine apart from being a wife or a mother. I really cherish that identity. Many times it feels threatened to change with just one child. Funny because many times my Mom tells me to make sure not to lose myself in taking care of everything else.

I feel most days like I am doing things 50% and that I am always behind on something. Or something is overdue. I hate that feeling, I'm a perfectionist. I want to do everything well AND I used to, so not doing that bugs me. And that feeling is largely due to wanting to spend time with the baby and Greg rather than doing other things, even other things I enjoy like reading or shopping or gardening. Work demands a lot of my time and the rest is given to them. I feel like a lot of things fall to the wayside with just one. I can't imagine two... who would I end up being?

 

[Dreamer_D]

TG...I agree with all your bolded points. While I love my child and husband, I also have an identity that is mine apart from being a wife or a mother. I really cherish that identity. Many times it feels threatened to change with just one child. Funny because many times my Mom tells me to make sure not to lose myself in taking care of everything else.

I feel most days like I am doing things 50% and that I am always behind on something. Or something is overdue. I hate that feeling, I'm a perfectionist. I want to do everything well AND I used to, so not doing that bugs me. And that feeling is largely due to wanting to spend time with the baby and Greg rather than doing other things, even other things I enjoy like reading or shopping or gardening. Work demands a lot of my time and the rest is given to them. I feel like a lot of things fall to the wayside with just one. I can't imagine two... who would I end up being?

I feel the same way. To balance it out I let housework slide And I say "no" a lot to things that are not either necessary or something I love. It gets easier when baby is over 1 year though. Now I feel like I have a fair amount of *me* time. Early bedtimes for kiddo are a mom's best friend.

 

[pennquaker09]

Can I just say that I love you immensely. Is it inappropriate that I found that terribly hilarious? If so, I apologize.

 

[Jennifer W]

Why thank you, my dear! Perfect works for me...

Dreamer, don't feel bad - my set up is a lot like yours, except DH can play golf after I'm dead and I don't do any organising of him, his finances or any other aspect (I do love him, though). I also like when he does my laundry, cleaning, shopping and brings me coffee. Granted, I'm selfish to the core, but I do have a really nice life, so it can't all be bad. Plus, he tells me he's happy.

Jenn, you must let me in on your secret... surely you offer him something of great value besides your sunny disposition?

As an only child, I will add that being selfish is the ONE trait that you can guarantee your kid will have in spades compared to other kids. Well, not selfish per se, but a sort of pattented inability to think of others automatically and difficulty sharing. My husband still gives me grief about the fact that I will go get a glass of water and not get him one. It doesn't cross my mind! And sharing, forget about it. I am so used to getting my own way.

Great, then I'll do my best so Amelia doesn't MARRY an only child!

TGal, that's exactly it! Balance her out with a selfless, sharing, thinking of others type son in law. There - you get the best of all worlds. This made me laugh!

Dreamer, the thing of great value that I offer him is my love, favour and affection. In Scots law, that's valid currency - you can dispone heritable property on that basis, so I reckon it's valuable enough that he should get up early for it, no?

I'm an only child, and while I'm purely selfish, I have got used to thinking about DH as sort of an extension of me, so if I get something for me, I automatically pick up the same thing (although maybe the smaller slice) for him too. He's always saying how thoughtful I am, so yeah, I have him fooled.

 

[elrohwen]

Thank you for posting this.

I am an only child and have never seen a problem with having an only child. I plan to wait until my early 30s to try for children and don't want more than one, but I'm already getting a lot of argument - not so much from friends, since most are childless by choice or only on their first, but a lot from MIL (who had two kids) and from other random people. I, personally, don't see why it's so selfish to want only one child or why we should automatically want two, but a lot of people seem to have opinions about it. I know I'll have to answer these questions some day and I'm glad to hear experiences of others in the same boat.

 

[Nashville]

We're a "one and done" family too. I'm just happy with our daughter, she's amazing! Nowadays we just can't justify another child financially, so why not give the child we already have the best we can? We want her to travel when she's young, go to great schools, all the things she may not be able to do if we have 2 or 3 other kids to support. Nope, give me lazy Sundays with my newspaper while she pushes her cars around. One child to wrangle into the car seat instead of two? Sounds good to me.

If she wants interaction with other kids, I'll arrange a play date. I'm with you, I think pregnancy is only fun the first go around and sometimes not even then!

 

[elrohwen]

Why thank you, my dear! Perfect works for me...

Dreamer, don't feel bad - my set up is a lot like yours, except DH can play golf after I'm dead and I don't do any organising of him, his finances or any other aspect (I do love him, though). I also like when he does my laundry, cleaning, shopping and brings me coffee. Granted, I'm selfish to the core, but I do have a really nice life, so it can't all be bad. Plus, he tells me he's happy.

Jenn, you must let me in on your secret... surely you offer him something of great value besides your sunny disposition?

As an only child, I will add that being selfish is the ONE trait that you can guarantee your kid will have in spades compared to other kids. Well, not selfish per se, but a sort of pattented inability to think of others automatically and difficulty sharing. My husband still gives me grief about the fact that I will go get a glass of water and not get him one. It doesn't cross my mind! And sharing, forget about it. I am so used to getting my own way.

Hey, I always ask DH if he wants a glass of water and he never ever gets me one without some badgering - he's the one with a sibling and I'm the only child Though I'll admit I'm bad at sharing! Hahaha

 

[Mara]

lol Dreamer we have a cleaning lady that comes 2x a month since we both are crap at housekeeping!!! but i have let cooking slide which i really miss, but hopefully when J is a little older and is eating what we do and doesn't need puree, etc then i will have that 30 min a day that i spend sitting and feeding him back to make us all a meal.

AND J already goes to bed at 7:30 and I go to bed at 10:30 so I do have some time per day but JEEZ it doesn't ever seem like enough..!! It's funny/ironic because before baby I felt like we had TONS of time and now I feel like I have none. Where's the happy medium lol. Sometimes I think I must be doing things wrong somehow?!?!

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

I think about this subject every single day. Part of me would love to go through the experience again and give my DD (who is 10) the sibling she so desperately wants (she has promised to forgo christmas presents for the rest of her life if i have a baby, she wants one that bad)

But there's another part of me who really likes our life the way it is. It's easy, im independant again, DD will be all grown up in a few short years and we will be able to travel and do all the stuff i didn't do in my 20's (and be more financially secure to do so) . I'm scared the dynamic of our family would change for the worse, i'm scared of going back to square one, of ruining my body (i survived pretty well after the first but i know i wouldn't be so lucky with the second) I think i love my sleep too much to give it up for a few years again. DH just wants to 'spoil the ones we have' instead of having another one.

BUT there is a part of me that knows i will regret it in 10 years time if i don't, well, at least try to see if i can fall pregnant. If it doesn't happen well then i guess it wasn't meant to be?

You are very fortunate to have come to a decision and be happy/ at peace with it. I wish i could.

 

[Dreamer_D]

lol Dreamer we have a cleaning lady that comes 2x a month since we both are crap at housekeeping!!! but i have let cooking slide which i really miss, but hopefully when J is a little older and is eating what we do and doesn't need puree, etc then i will have that 30 min a day that i spend sitting and feeding him back to make us all a meal.

AND J already goes to bed at 7:30 and I go to bed at 10:30 so I do have some time per day but JEEZ it doesn't ever seem like enough..!! It's funny/ironic because before baby I felt like we had TONS of time and now I feel like I have none. Where's the happy medium lol. Sometimes I think I must be doing things wrong somehow?!?!

I also let cooking slide. And even though Hunter is on table food we still don't have our stuff together to all eat at once. Most nights DH and I just wait until H is in bed. That is one thing I want to change.

No, you are not doing something wrong, I feel the same way despite having evenings. There is something very freeing about having ALL DAY to your self, to do whatever you want, or even *gasp* two whole days??? Imagine that! Though I get lots of small doses of me time it is never for an extended period like that, which I think is necessary to really recharge batteries. I have been apart from Hunter for a max of three days at once, and it was really heavenly (though I was travelling for work at the time). Next week I go away for 5 days and plan to make the best of it. I eagerly await the time when Hunter is old enough to go to my mom's for the weekend I think it will make a big difference.

 

[TravelingGal]

Mara, Amelia goes down around 7:15ish these days (I'm moving it up again once daylight savings ends). I stay up until 1 am most nights because I LOVE the me time, but it isn't enough. And of course, waking up at 7 the next day hurts a lot more when I stay up until 1.

HOT, I hope you can find peace about your decision soon. It's a tough one to be sure, and if I were in your shoes, I'm not sure what I would do.

PQ, I think you're talking to me, right? If so, right back at ya! (We also need to hear more about how you are doing with the kids!)

Dreamer, you're right, and you know I've always believed it. Early bedtimes truly are a mother's best friend - I would not have survived these two years as happily as I have without it.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Mara, Amelia goes down around 7:15ish these days (I'm moving it up again once daylight savings ends). I stay up until 1 am most nights because I LOVE the me time, but it isn't enough. And of course, waking up at 7 the next day hurts a lot more when I stay up until 1.

I also stay up much too late for the same reason.

 

[princesss]

TGal, I really love your posts on parenting, this one especially. I'm young, and so many of my friends are still caught up in the "Things you're supposed to do in life" mentality, and I am trying hard to make decisions the way you're doing it - really sit down and think about what I need/want from life and go for it. So thanks for posting this - it's nice to know there are other people that make decisions like this, especially when they're not what's "expected".

 

[Selkie]

I think you misspelled "selfish" in your title.

Try "t-h-o-u-g-h-t-f-u-l" (see also: "a-w-e-s-o-m-e")

Exactly.

 

[TravelingGal]

TGal, I really love your posts on parenting, this one especially. I'm young, and so many of my friends are still caught up in the "Things you're supposed to do in life" mentality, and I am trying hard to make decisions the way you're doing it - really sit down and think about what I need/want from life and go for it. So thanks for posting this - it's nice to know there are other people that make decisions like this, especially when they're not what's "expected".

Princesss, don't forget your gut instinct too...don't disregard that! My gut was telling me I didn't want another, but I wanted to balance it out with some solid thinking as well.

Jas and Selkie, thanks!

 

[soocool]

Oh, one last thing to those who are thinking of having one child, but haven't made the decision...

The scariest thing is not what other people say (although I am sure you know that). The scariest thing is the very palpable fear of regret.
If a child happens, most don't worry about regret. They worry about a zillion other things, like how they are going to be the best parent they can be and all that comes with it. Same goes with 2 or 3 children, I suppose. Regret may come later, but usually early on, not so much.

The fear of regret always happens for something you DON'T do. Since I've never regretted anything in my life, I find myself in uncharted territory!

DD is an only child and DH and I have no regrets. For the longest time I did not want kids until I got married. My sister has 3. DD has always said she was happy to be an only child. DD however constantly talks about having 3 kids, one right after the other. I asked her was this because she was an only child and missed having siblings and she said, no so that they keep each other occupied. So again I asked if she didn't like the time we spent together and again she said she loved all the time we spent together, but she realized how hard it must have been for me to keep her busy and entertained that she feels that siblings would accomplish that task. This from someone who is 2 1/2 months away from her 18th birthday. (I hope she is not planning anything - yet! )

 

[soocool]

Just wanted to add. My sister is a little more than 2 years older than me. We never got along as kids. My mom had to keep us separated. CeeCee was mommy's good little girl who liked to wear dresses, play with dolls, and was obedient. I hated dresses, played ball with the guys, liked to get dirty, and always questioned my parents' rules. It was only after my sister got married that we started to get along and have become extremely close. But my sister thinks she is my mother and I can only take her for so long. My friends fit my personality and so I hang out with them more.

Since my sister had 3 boys she loves hanging with my DD and so I had lots of free time when DD was growing up. She would sleepover at my sister's where they would do a dress up, facials, etc. I also have several friends who are childless and have baby sat for me or even have taken DD out to events they thought she would enjoy. (like having a kid without all the responsibilities). One of them even offered DD a place to live if she didn't want to live on college campus next year.

So this is DD's last year before she goes off to college. I was freaking out about it this past summer as I saw her often, but by the end of summer I couldn't wait for her to start school again. Now that school has started I see less of her as she is so involved with other things. DH and I were able to get away this week on our own, as my nephew and his wife have let DD stay with them and DD can drive herself to school.

So even though I havea sister, growing up I felt as an only child (or at least wished I was)but she has become a permanent fixture in my life now. My close friends have shared in DD's life and I view them as an extended family. So if any of you decide to have only one child that doesn't translate into loneliness for your child or selfishness for not providing them with siblings. As long as the child is loved that is all that matters.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Oh, one last thing to those who are thinking of having one child, but haven't made the decision...

The scariest thing is not what other people say (although I am sure you know that). The scariest thing is the very palpable fear of regret.
If a child happens, most don't worry about regret. They worry about a zillion other things, like how they are going to be the best parent they can be and all that comes with it. Same goes with 2 or 3 children, I suppose. Regret may come later, but usually early on, not so much.

The fear of regret always happens for something you DON'T do. Since I've never regretted anything in my life, I find myself in uncharted territory!

DD is an only child and DH and I have no regrets. For the longest time I did not want kids until I got married. My sister has 3. DD has always said she was happy to be an only child. DD however constantly talks about having 3 kids, one right after the other. I asked her was this because she was an only child and missed having siblings and she said, no so that they keep each other occupied. So again I asked if she didn't like the time we spent together and again she said she loved all the time we spent together, but she realized how hard it must have been for me to keep her busy and entertained that she feels that siblings would accomplish that task. This from someone who is 2 1/2 months away from her 18th birthday. (I hope she is not planning anything - yet! )

As a teen I always said I wanted 4 kids! I think that though I was never upset over being an only child, sometimes there is that desire for a larger family, that big bustling feeling that was absent when I was growing up, or feeling like you really are part of a tribe of people. I spent a fair amount of time on my own as a child, and the good parts are myriad but it also meant I was sometimes lonely. Maybe some of that comes into play with your daughter too, even if she is not articulating it to you.

 

[LtlFirecracker]

I don't think your decision is selfish at all.

Having happy parents is really the best thing for the child, and that means you have to figure out what you want.

My younger sister (by the way we are not close at all) recently wrote me and asked me if I had any memories of my mother being happy when we were little. I was able to tell her quite a few stores. But than I realized I was so young, she would not have remembered any of it. Most of my stories where when I was 3-4 yrs old and my sister was just a baby. But the time my sister was old enough to remember things, my mother was no longer happy. When I was 12, she divorced my dad, got a convertible, and tried to make my Dad take us full time while she started her "new life" (he put his foot down at that point and reminded her that we were her children too).

I think you have made a very well thought out decision, and in the end all these other opinions really do not matter.

 

[pennquaker09]

PQ, I think you're talking to me, right? If so, right back at ya! (We also need to hear more about how you are doing with the kids!).

Right now, our big thing is applying to pre-school.