OK, OK...I'm selfish!

[anchor31]

Right now, I strongly feel like I don't want another one. I still don't have "mom-nesia" about the crappy pregnancy, excruciating back-labour and breastfeeding difficulties and have no desire to go through that again. Add an arthritis flare-up and Jacob's kidney reflux/recurrent UTIs (we're up to 5 now, with 3 hospitalizations) to the mix... Nope, sorry, once is enough, thank you. I know #2 may not have health issues, but but if s/he does? What if s/he has worse?

Someone once told me I couldn't have just one child and "leave my son alone". That came from a guy who has 11 siblings, so I took it with a grain of salt... He gave me the "he'll be lonely" and "he'll have no one when you pass away" arguments. While I think they are valid arguments, I think they are many ways to ensure he has company as a child, and I sincerely hope that when DH and I pass away he will have a family of his own to support him!

You know, some people call it selfish and I guess it is, in a way, but I really don't believe a woman should have a child for any other reason than that she wants one. Not for her husband, not for her current child(ren). So, if I have another child, it won't be because DH wants another one (and I know he does), or for the sake of my son. My husband isn't the one who went through the tough parts, pregnancy, L&D, hospitalizations and all. He wants another one, but he did tell me it's ultimately up to me. I'm grateful for that, and I hope that if I don't change my mind he won't resent it. And Jacob would be fine without a sibling... Plenty of people are.

Isn't it sad that we always have to justify our choices?

 

[anchor31]

I've been thinking about this some more and wanted to add that not wanting another child for the sake of your marriage is a very valid reason and it's NOT selfish. If having another child brings instability to your relashionship, it's not exactly ideal for you or the children... And I wholeheartedly agree, happy mom = happy couple = happy family. Our marriage is still in the process of recovering from Jacob's arrival, so having another one before we're back on track would be a relationship suicide. Later, maybe, but add that to the list of things I'd rather not go through again!

 

[TravelingGal]

PQ, that's it? I one liner update?

Anchor, yes I agree...it's hard that we have to justify our decisions. Even to ourselves, but I'm OK with that.

My friend's mom (the one with triplets) actually followed me out of their house the other day, asking me when I am having another one, and when I said I wasn't, she kept following me telling me to think of Amelia, blah blah blah and that I NEEDED to have another one. She's old school Korean, so I could deal with it, and I admit now that decisions made, it just made me smile. The world doesn't have to understand, I do.

However, I have to say, I suck at taking the pill. I was supposed to start on Sunday and forgot twice. Now I have to wait a month.

Thanks again all for your very thoughtful responses!

 

[Nashville]

The worst for me is "But what if something happens to you and your husband? If you both die, she at least has a sibling!"

Yes, let's have another child based on the vague, looming threat of our untimely demise...

 

[Jennifer W]

I've hear that argument more than once. I think it's bizarre. If something happened to you, you'd have left two children behind, not just one. Two little people who miss their parents, twice the unhappiness and grief, no?

I've made careful and detailed plans for what will happen if DH and I are killed or incapacitated. I've made first, second and third fall back arrangements and planned it out so that all of the people who are involved in her life can continue to be involved. I've arranged for her financial, practical and, as far as possible, emotional needs to be met. I don't think I could have done that if it was two or three children, there isn't anyone here in a position to take over the care of more than one child.

Interestingly, you know you're a lawyer when... the simple note in your wallet of who to contact for your child in an emergency extends to three A4 pages of closely-typed text.

Jen

 

[ksinger]

I guess I've been lucky. I neither imbibed of the vague societal "expectation" that I was required to give birth to be complete, nor did I get a lot of grief for my choice to NOT have children.

First, anyone making any comment about your personal choices, and especially to make you feel bad or wrong in choosing what's right for you in such a huge personal decision, is just rude.

Second, choices about having children are inherently selfish, regardless of pro or con. HAVING a child is a supremely selfish decision - you have one simply because you WANT to, not because you set out to 'sacrifice for society' or somesuch nonsense. It is selfish in a very non-negative sense.

Honestly, has anyone here made a choice to have children based on any considerations other than intensely personal ones? It's that or it becomes an unconscious one. (My husband's comment, and he is quite aware of how it might rankle, and yet who can argue? "Procreation is a sign of life, not necessarily intelligent life") Most of us don't want to be the latter, so we make our choices consciously, unless there's an oopsy of course. Anyway, I fail to see how not having a child is any more selfish than having one.

I personally was not burning to have a child, I could have been (and have been) happy without having one, or I probably would have been quite content to have one. HOWEVER, I was adamant that what I would never EVER do, is have one with the wrong man. I once married the "wrong man", and long story short, would have NEVER had a child with him. My ability to delude myself as to the ultimate suitability of my marriage did not extend to deluding myself about having a child in a relationship in what I knew deep down was a shaky one. By the time I finally found the right man, I was nearly 46, and that choice had been made by time itself. I do have some fleeting sadness that we missed that train, we both do, because like we both knew on some level that we'd made the wrong choices in our first marriages (he was married once too) we both know we'd have been great parents, together.

So next time someone drags out the "selfish" word, just shoot back with the question "What is so UN-selfish about HAVING a child?" Watch them sputter to silence.

 

[lliang_chi]

Wow, ksinger that was so eloquently put, I couldn't possibly top it. So I'll just say "Ditto."

 

[pennquaker09]

PQ, that's it? I one liner update?

Anchor, yes I agree...it's hard that we have to justify our decisions. Even to ourselves, but I'm OK with that.

My friend's mom (the one with triplets) actually followed me out of their house the other day, asking me when I am having another one, and when I said I wasn't, she kept following me telling me to think of Amelia, blah blah blah and that I NEEDED to have another one. She's old school Korean, so I could deal with it, and I admit now that decisions made, it just made me smile. The world doesn't have to understand, I do.

However, I have to say, I suck at taking the pill. I was supposed to start on Sunday and forgot twice. Now I have to wait a month.

Thanks again all for your very thoughtful responses!

I felt like anything more would have been a severe threadjack.

However, I will say, since this topic is about decisions regarding having more kids, one of the reasons I've been posting infrequently is because we were attempting to adopt and it didn't happen. At first, I tried to have the attitude that maybe it just wasn't meant to be, but the disappointment really came on strong, so I've been having a bit a bad time. I tend to keep things to myself, so I didn't know if I should say anything here or not.

On a more lighthearded note, I came home Saturday to find my Gray, playing football by himself proclaiming that he was a, "boodog." In other words, a Georgia bulldog. Every day since then, he's been talking about bulldogs and football. So, I decided our family was in need of an Alabama invention; thus, a FedEx box with toddler sized 'Bama gear is on its way. Savannah is in love with all things Disney Princess and the color green. She colors everything green. She wants her room to be painted green. i love how she surprises me, but I'm secretly hoping she changes her mind before she gets married.

 

[anchor31]

Second, choices about having children are inherently selfish, regardless of pro or con. HAVING a child is a supremely selfish decision - you have one simply because you WANT to, not because you set out to 'sacrifice for society' or somesuch nonsense. It is selfish in a very non-negative sense.

I agree. My point exactly. Caring for a child 24/7 is selfless. You do it for the child. But having the child is different. Like you say, you have it because you want to, and that's how I believe it should be. Otherwise, one probably can easily grow to resent 24/7 care that follows.

 

[anchor31]

The worst for me is "But what if something happens to you and your husband? If you both die, she at least has a sibling!"

Yes, let's have another child based on the vague, looming threat of our untimely demise...

Well said, thank you! I find this argument very sad and bizarre too. I mean, it could happen, but I'm not going to bring a child into the world just in case it does. That shouldn't be the reason a child is born. IMO, of course.

 

[princesss]

*threadjack*

PQ, I'm dying laughing over here. I have to share the boodog story with my friend Jen. She's been teaching me about football (specifically about how Bama is the best team there ever will be, end of story, but also about football in general), and I can only imagine how hard she's going to laugh at this. Anyways, I'm sure Gray will be yelling, "Roll Tide!" loudly and often before too long.

ETA: So sorry to hear that the adoption didn't work out.

 

[Cehrabehra]

thinks like toxemia are "problems" that can be "solved" or at least "overcome". The selfish reason is just what it is and who can argue with that? I've seen the same dynamic in so many things... simple things like going to the beach, "I can't because... ::fill in the blank::" well here let me solve that problem. Just say, "I don't want to go to the beach."

I am guilty of offering solutions to problems but if you're happy with just one child, that's not really a problem so don't let them think it's surmountable!

 

[Cehrabehra]

TG...I agree with all your bolded points. While I love my child and husband, I also have an identity that is mine apart from being a wife or a mother. I really cherish that identity. Many times it feels threatened to change with just one child. Funny because many times my Mom tells me to make sure not to lose myself in taking care of everything else.

I feel most days like I am doing things 50% and that I am always behind on something. Or something is overdue. I hate that feeling, I'm a perfectionist. I want to do everything well AND I used to, so not doing that bugs me. And that feeling is largely due to wanting to spend time with the baby and Greg rather than doing other things, even other things I enjoy like reading or shopping or gardening. Work demands a lot of my time and the rest is given to them. I feel like a lot of things fall to the wayside with just one. I can't imagine two... who would I end up being?

Putting 5 years between my first two I never really felt like I lost myself, but the 2 year gap between #2 and #3 zapped me hard. I changed because of it. I am not the perfectionist I used to be and I'm okay with that. There is a new peace, I don't feel anxious over what is lost because there is also what is gained. Plus there is a side bonus when you have more - they play with each other and it buys you time you wouldn't otherwise have. My first was an only for 5 years and everything was mommy mommy mommy - now they have each other and I can pluck them out for the mommy mommy mommy times

I say this as a person who couldn't have only one but is or at least was an only child the first 22 years of my life. I hated it. But some people love it. Some love their siblings, some hate them. I support the choices and the decisions that people make whether I understand them or not. I have my opportunity to live my own life and let others do the same. To some extent I understand the preoccupation people have on this, but I also understand the irritation it causes.

I do think the best answer is the one that doesn't involve "reasons". Just "I have no interest in having another child" is enough to shut them up hopefully

 

[Asscherhalo_lover]

I was an only child until my mother remarried and had more children when I was a senior in high school. So growing up I was an only child. I loved it! When I wanted to socialize I had my friends and when I wanted to be alone I could just be alone. Considering most of the stressful relationships all of my friends have with their siblings I'm grateful to be an only child. I have been married for about 2 1/2 years now and when DH and I decide we are ready I think we are leaning towards only having one child, if we have two we would like to space them out quite a bit so they each have their own young childhood. I would also consider it further once I see how my body handles one pregnancy and delivery. If it's a pretty horrible experience I doubt I would want to go through it again!

 

[Dreamer_D]

However, I have to say, I suck at taking the pill. I was supposed to start on Sunday and forgot twice. Now I have to wait a month.

Might I suggest the Mirena IUS? Or the old snippity for your hubby? Those are my plans when we are done done.

 

[decodelighted]

Haven't read all the responses (& am just getting back from vaca) ... but: CONGRATS!!!!! One of the things I adore most about you is that you go your own way, to the best of your abilities, come what may. This is one of those decisions. FWIW, my DH is an only child (not by choice, by nature) & he's peaches! In fact, most of the "only children" I've known have been high achievers. There may be some unexpected challenges for you later on down the line -- not with *regret* necessarily -- but with "letting go" & not putting all of your hopes & dreams on "the one". You've never seemed like that kind of parent to me though.

Hopefully supportive sidenote: I've been wrestling with the idea of bringing another puppy into our home & stressed that T would react POORLY to that. She's a pretty, pretty princess who likes all the attention on her. I'm having trouble deciding whether the benefits she might experience (additional company & the ability to nurture a wee pup etc) would balance out her unhappiness at having to share DH & I with another (certainly adorable) pup pal. I feel like GETTING a pup is the "selfish" decision -- but I might do it anyway. So, I feel ya. Even if its in a totally different, probably inappropriate to compare! arena.

 

[Mara]

Haven't read all the responses (& am just getting back from vaca) ... but: CONGRATS!!!!! One of the things I adore most about you is that you go your own way, to the best of your abilities, come what may. This is one of those decisions. FWIW, my DH is an only child (not by choice, by nature) & he's peaches! In fact, most of the "only children" I've known have been high achievers. There may be some unexpected challenges for you later on down the line -- not with *regret* necessarily -- but with "letting go" & not putting all of your hopes & dreams on "the one". You've never seemed like that kind of parent to me though.

Hopefully supportive sidenote: I've been wrestling with the idea of bringing another puppy into our home & stressed that T would react POORLY to that. She's a pretty, pretty princess who likes all the attention on her. I'm having trouble deciding whether the benefits she might experience (additional company & the ability to nurture a wee pup etc) would balance out her unhappiness at having to share DH & I with another (certainly adorable) pup pal. I feel like GETTING a pup is the "selfish" decision -- but I might do it anyway. So, I feel ya. Even if its in a totally different, probably inappropriate to compare! arena.

Deco I am a huge fan of the dog to child comparison so I loved your last paragraph. I liken bringing J into the household similar to another dog when it comes to what P thinks anyway. She's prob more tolerant of a baby than a puppy though.

Funny because the other day at a lunch someone said to me (when asked if J would have a sibling and I said no..), "But I always thought having 2 is just the same as having 1 right?" I said..."Spoken like someone who doesn't have children!" And my friend next to me said..."I always thought the same thing about DOGS but that's definitely not the case". (she just adopted a rescue as a 2nd dog).

 

[Dreamer_D]

Haven't read all the responses (& am just getting back from vaca) ... but: CONGRATS!!!!! One of the things I adore most about you is that you go your own way, to the best of your abilities, come what may. This is one of those decisions. FWIW, my DH is an only child (not by choice, by nature) & he's peaches! In fact, most of the "only children" I've known have been high achievers. There may be some unexpected challenges for you later on down the line -- not with *regret* necessarily -- but with "letting go" & not putting all of your hopes & dreams on "the one". You've never seemed like that kind of parent to me though.

Hopefully supportive sidenote: I've been wrestling with the idea of bringing another puppy into our home & stressed that T would react POORLY to that. She's a pretty, pretty princess who likes all the attention on her. I'm having trouble deciding whether the benefits she might experience (additional company & the ability to nurture a wee pup etc) would balance out her unhappiness at having to share DH & I with another (certainly adorable) pup pal. I feel like GETTING a pup is the "selfish" decision -- but I might do it anyway. So, I feel ya. Even if its in a totally different, probably inappropriate to compare! arena.

Deco I am a huge fan of the dog to child comparison so I loved your last paragraph. I liken bringing J into the household similar to another dog when it comes to what P thinks anyway. She's prob more tolerant of a baby than a puppy though.

Funny because the other day at a lunch someone said to me (when asked if J would have a sibling and I said no..), "But I always thought having 2 is just the same as having 1 right?" I said..."Spoken like someone who doesn't have children!" And my friend next to me said..."I always thought the same thing about DOGS but that's definitely not the case". (she just adopted a rescue as a 2nd dog).

I totally think dogs and kids are similar, and I have both so I am allowed to say it We made a big error adding dog number 2 to the mix, though I think that if we had never had kiddos it would have been much easier to manage.

 

[MustangGal]

However, I have to say, I suck at taking the pill. I was supposed to start on Sunday and forgot twice. Now I have to wait a month.

Might I suggest the Mirena IUS? Or the old snippity for your hubby? Those are my plans when we are done done.

I love my Mirena! Way better than trying to remember pills, and after a year I have no PMS, and light spoting once a month instead of a period!

I've realized that the people that tell me I must have more kids either have many themselves, or haven't had any yet. I've never had an only child or the parents of an only child say I need another. Hmmm...

 

[ericad]

Haven't read through the whole thread yet, but DH and I are grappling with this very same thing. We have a 5 1/2 year old daughter and are about 90% decided that we'll only have one child. I'm about to turn 34 (part of my mental hurdle is that I always said I'd be done having kids by 35 because DH is 10 years older than me, and I'm now right up on that "deadline" and have to figure this out).

Frankly, we just love our life with DD at this great age - she's just so...well...easy I get anxiety every time I imagine resetting the clock with a newborn.

I just don't feel the itch to have another baby - I'm so content and the biggest hesitation I have at this moment is that I may regret it later, but other than that worry, having one child just feels right to me.