Opinions about living together before getting married?

[peonygirl]

For the longest time I was dead-set against it because all of my friends who didn't live together before marriage raved about how wonderful and special it was to move in together as husband and wife. I really liked that idea and have never really bought into the notion that it's risky or foolish not to "try before you buy," since presumably I'd never marry someone with whom I hadn't spent a LOT of time. (So not only would I know the person's habits really, really well, but I'd also have enough faith in our communication/conflict resolution skills that if something new came up we'd be able to work it out).

After several months of rumination on the topic, I actually ended up changing my mind though. While I'm still not comfortable with the idea of moving in with someone before getting engaged, I decided that I frankly I want the opportunity to share more time with my SO, especially the ordinary day-to-day stuff like sharing the same bed, having dinner together every night, etc. We just missed each other two darn much to live apart for another 1.5 years. Also, we figured that moving in together before getting married wouldn't be any less special than after, as long as we didn't take it lightly. So right now we're planning to move in together a couple months before we get engaged, and we're both really excited about the prospect.

Anyway, I just wanted to share my viewpoints and hear others' feelings on the matter.

 

[icekid]

I''m personally not opposed to living together at all. Sure, it would be kind of fun to move in together after the wedding. But there will also probably be a few surprises too

I''m not worried about our post-wedding bliss being any less special because we already live together. We''ll be MARRIED, and that''s cause enough to celebrate as far as I am concerned.

Obviously, you can learn a lot about someone and QUICKLY by living together. My FI and I lived together unofficially from about 3 months on, and he moved to Philadelphia with me for my medical education and we''ve been living together officially for over a year. I wouldn''t change any of it! We moved pretty fast, but it was just right.

Of course, neither of our parents were opposed to it and we''re not anything resembling religious. So we didn''t have those sorts of issues to deal with either.

 

[JCJD]

There has been research showing that cohabiting before marriage does not increase marital stability, happiness, longevity, etc, which is opposite of what some would expect. Our pre-marital counselor said that it does make logical sense at some level to live with someone before marriage - you''d test drive your car before buying, for example - but the research is very clear that it just doesn''t work that way in real life. Couples who cohabitate before marriage often break up or divorce at higher rates than couples who didn''t also.

THIS CNN ARTICLE suggests that those who cohabitate before marriage are more likely to consider divorce as an option, not a last-minute thing. Makes sense, IMO. Living together is something that is part of the marriage relationship. If you see that aspect of life as something not specific and special to marriage, you begin to see marriage as less important and less special. Just my opinion of course.

THIS SITE appears to have some more statistical information.... and HERE TOO.

Personally, we didn''t start living together until after the wedding, and it has been wonderful! I know other couples who had a trying transition to cohabitation and married life, but they''re all (2 couples

) incredibly happy now after 4+ years each. And besides, you''ve got so much going on during engagement, do you really want to add living together for the first time to the mix? HTH!

 

[Layne]

My personal experience: We did not live together before marriage and it was the right choice for us. There were no big surprises when we did move in together after the wedding, and very, very few liittle surprises. We had known eachother for over 4 years, taken vacations together, gone to funerals and weddings, etc. We had exerienced life together and we had been open and truthful in our communication and expectations.

However, living together works for some people. It will be harder since your friends may not approve. Also, don''t believe all that raved about it- it is atypical for every one to have a great experience. The playing house fun runs out quickly when you are mad at eachother. Many of my friends who did not live together before had a rough go of it at first. I find the most important factor to be if they were honest with thier SO and themselves about what their expectations for living together and marriage were.

And, about all those studies that show people who live together first have a higher divorce rate- I did some research on this in college, which was a few years ago, but, the majority of those studies actually say people who move in together, who are not in a serious relationship/considering marriage before moving in together, are the ones who marry and get divorced at higher rates. Does not apply to those engaged or very serious.

Good luck with whatever you and your SO decide!

 

[MissAva]

I have such mixed feelings about this. I have never thought it was a good idea. I saw too many friends who were close to getting married moving in and the guy decided that there was no reason to change things. I don’t want to live together and not get married. Common law is just not the same to me. I have always been pretty firmly against the idea, my thought being if you are ready to be living together why not make it official?

Then graduate school came into the picture and now I am wondering if I get into school and he can find work near me should we live together? I feel like that would be wrong, but having us both move and live a distance from our families. I have moved a ton of times (I think 17?) and it is not a problem for me I am a grow where planted kind of person. He has lived in the same place since he was three and I think it would be easier for him to move if I was there. I will not choose where I go to school for him, but if we are in the same place. It really is a tough issue. Being married prevents me from certain scholarships and I know he wants the big poofy flowery wedding with rice and stuff. I wont have time for that between us finishing up in May and my starting in August.

I think this issue is too personal to paint with sweeping generalizations.
As for the statistics, the current ones available still show negative things, way more likely to divorce if they make it to marriage at all. But some stay married past the 10 year mark where the studies end so it is not impossible.

 

[njc]

To comment towards JCs comment about you would test drive your car before buying, i think by the time you are talking about getting married, you have probably spent the night with your SO once or twice. Granted its not the same as living together, but its the closest you can get. Lord, i learned everything i needed to know about how crazy messy hubby was while we were in college!

I was dead-set against living together too, but then we both moved to DC and rent prices are crazy and i couldnt see the point in wasting money on 2 apartments that one or the other would only spend 50% or less there. We had already gone ring shopping a couple time and i made it very clear that while for the moment he was getting "the milk for free", i didnt plan on it always being free. He agreed and almost 6 months later we were engaged.

And for the living together before hand not making married being special... there is a different feeling in our house now. It seems more special, more real if that makes any sense. Its hard to explain, but things seem more complete. Plus, i have had 2 friends get married after us that didnt live together and the week before the wedding, they spent moving their crap into their new home. Not exactly what i would have wanted to do THAT week.

Everyone is going to have a different opinion on this subject. You need to go with what YOU feel comfortable with and if you have any concerns or expectations, lay them out there BEFORE you move in. Good luck!

 

[MINE!!]

My feelings changed on this quite drastically over the years.. When I was younger (early 20''s) I thought there was nothing wrong with it. After all, you would save money, get to know the person better beforehand etc etc. I lived with my first husband before we got married. Our break up was difficult. But I do not think that living together first improved our chances or made a chances of staying together any different.

Of course as I got older, I changed my mind considerably. I REFUSED to live together before I was married. To use another analogy (drive before you buy) I refused to be window shopped. Either you buy it or don''t... I wasn''t for rent with the option to buy. Being in a serious relationship before moving in together, I spent much of my time @ his place and he at mine.. so really there were no dramatic suprises. As for living together to save money. That would be saying that I wanted a roommate... not a mate.

Do I think that people should live together beforehand... sure if they want to.. but I do not think that they should fool themselves into beleiveing that this is a way to really get to know someone before you get married... Ummmmm... regardless of ''getting to know someone.. " there are going to be a million things that you learn over time.. things much more imprtant than how smoothly the car shifts. But if my daughter came to me one day and told me she was going to live with someone before she got married. I would tell her that I will support her decision, but it has really disappointed me.

 

[curlygirl]

I, too, was completely against living together until after marriage. I am very progressive in so many ways but this was one of my old fashioned beliefs! I just thought living with someone would just make it easier to NOT get married. But once I got engaged, things changed! My fiance and I were spending at least 5 or 6 nights together and our combined rent on 2 apartments was over $4000. So about 3 months after we got engaged, we officially moved in together--into my apartment. We just figured it was so much more cost-effective for us since now we are saving over $2500/month in rent, bills, etc. to put towards the wedding. Also, I decided that since we were engaged, he was committed to me and the relationship, so living together would be the next step towards getting married. It seems to be working out well as we are getting to know each other sooo much better by really learning each other''s habits, cooking together, hanging out together and really sharing everything. It''s really different for everybody and I don''t think there was ever anyone else that I really wanted to live with. But now that I''ve found the one, it''s great and I''m so happy that I decided to take the plunge before getting married.

 

[Munchkin]

I am not opposed to people living together before marriage, but FI and I will not. We have number of reasons why (for us) it isn''t the right thing.

We have been together for 6 and a half years. We were long distance for the last four of those years. We moved about 45 minutes from one another this fall. I knew that as much as we loved one another, we hadn''t been a "day-to-day" couple in years. He had become a phone and twice-a-month boyfriend. I wasn''t about to move in with someone that I wasn''t really sure what he was like everyday. I loved him, but a lot changes of over 4 years. Plus, I had spent the last 3 years living by myself - and LOVED it. I loved living by my own schedule and being able to fluctuate between cycles of micro-managing-cleanliness to bachelor-pad-messy. I knew that I would have to adjust considerably in learning to live with another. I wanted to be sure that we were still as compatible as we were back in college before I would even consider living with him.

Additionally, (and this is the main reason for us now) we have been together for 6 and half years. When you are together that long (and especially when you spend years having to use the phone as your means of communication) you get to know each other. While I may not know if he leaves wet towels on the bed, I do know all of his skeletons in the closet. I know his goals, his fears, his hopes, his dreams, his ideas on finances, how he wants kids to be raised, etc. For us, living together is the final frontier

We think it would be nice to have SOME kind of profound newness and mystery after the wedding. That''s why we won''t live together.

Things are going unbelieveably well, but it stinks financially. I have had a few moments where I''ve reconsidered, but deepdown I know it is the best thing for us.
Munchkin

 

[Tali]

Due to previous experiences, neither my DH nor I wanted to live with anyone unless it was marriage. I''d had bad experiences, as had he. So, we dated, and lived just a couple miles apart, swapping houses for overnights, but maintaining our own places. Fast forward about 1 yr: we''re engaged. Fast forward another 8 months, his roommate suddenly decides he''s moving to NY, with 2 weeks notice. We had a long talk, and decided, as we were so very certain of where our relationship was going, already engaged, etc, that he should move in. It was absolutely the best decision for us. I had lived alone for 7 years, and the adjustment of sharing space was, mmm, shall we say challenging, for me, even though it was with my then FH. It was a tough few months, but never did I question *us.* My issues were about me, not us. It was great to get thru that difficult phase before the wedding (which was about 8 months after we moved in together), and settled back into routine. In doing so, I think it made things easier after we were married. All that adjustment was over. We could come back from our honeymoon and just cruise on that elation without it getting mucked up by my adjustment reactions.

Clearly, evdryone has to make their own decisions. We are happy with ours.

 

[goldengirl]

My first thought is that the statistics are flawed and unneccesarily biased: first, because there are many couples that live together and end up not getting married because they''re not compatible; what if they''d stayed living separately, then married, then divorced when they realized that? Second, because there are way, way, WAY too many factors besides living together which make or break a marriage. Age, experience, religious background, communication styles, similarity in goals/values, etc etc etc ad nauseum. It would be impossible to control every single other factor in the experiment to pinpoint the effect of premarital cohabitation, and without good experimental control all you have are a bunch of numbers and a guess.

Second, I think you should if you want to.

I lived with a boyfriend before and it turned out very badly. I swore I wouldn''t make the same mistake again. But then Kyle came along, and it just seemed to fit... he practically lived here anyway, he only went home once a week or so to get on his computer. Still, we hesitated, because he''d seen friends'' relationships suffer upon cohabitation and I''d had my own bad experience. Ultimately, we decided that it was the couple, not the cohabitation, that made the difference. And if we were committed to each other now, it really wasn''t any different than waiting until we were legally committed. He moved in just over a year ago and it has been great.

And no, I don''t think we''d be engaged by now if we weren''t living together. For one, because money would have been an even bigger issue, and for two, because he was getting all the benefits of a marriage anyway. I think refusing to cohabitate only "works" if you''re also refusing to give away any milk, KWIM?

 

[peonygirl]

goldengirl, the statistics have also found that:

The increased rate of divorce among previously-cohabitating couples does not appear in couples who were either engaged when they moved in together or saw cohabitating as a proximal step in the road to getting engaged and married (versus a trial period or a way to save money). That comforts me.

 

[appletini]

I am at the end of my temporarily living with my BF for a month, but in my case it was not an option. I move into my own apt next weekend (so excited!), and when hurricane Katirna hit New Orleans, etc all the apts in Houston filled up overnight, so I had to wait a little longer for my new place.

Its been nice to know that it is a temporary situation and even though we are usually together all weekend, it has been a learning experience to share a bathroom and an apt every day. I learned that when he comes home from work, he just likes to rest on the couch for about an hour, *no talking*, and the he gets up and works out. After he''s showered and everything he''s ready to talk about his day, etc. But the funny thing was, after about three days of me being there, he suddenly got very excited to walk in the door every day and see me sitting on his couch (I leave work a few hours earlier than he does) watching food network.

A week or two ago during one our "talks" he said that he loves me more since I started "living" with him because he knows that we can live together. I''ve never lived completely by myself (no roomies) so I''m really looking forward to having my own place for a little while, but I think he''s sad to see me go. But my new place is less than 5 min away so we can still be very close.

As for living together...Its a personal choice. I wouldn''t officially live with someone unless we were engaged and close to our wedding date, or we had already bought our house or something like that.

 

[perry]

I think the crux of the issue is the level of committment:

Are they just a roomate whom you sleep with? (I''ve seen it - and even had it offered to me when I was advertising for a roomate years ago: I turned her down)

Are you trying out living together to see what living together is?

Are you already committed and see this as part of the relationship?


I will say this: "D" and I have had many talks since I withdrew my offer to marry her. She has asked what can she do to indicate that she is serious in me in the future. My answer has been: If you are serious move in and show me that you are serious and willing to help build a life together (she lives 6 hours from here). In the end; I told her in our last conversation it boils down to the fact that you can tell me many things - but until you are willing to move over here it means very little. She has told me that for some reason she has not been willing to actully move over here even though she feels like my place is a peacefull refuge where she would like to spend her life.

So in my case, living together would indicate a level of committment - and in the case of "D" the level necessary to move the relationship forward.

So many cases are unique. In the end their are probably no right or wrong answers here.

Perry

 

[snuga]

I personally don''t have any problems with living together before marriage. As was said before, as long as there is a commitment between the people (engagement/marriage pending) then it seems like a logical step, if that''s what they want. Many people have strong opinions and views about why they would NOT want to live together before marriage, whether it is from a past experience, religious views, or upbringing. Either way, it has to make sense to the people who are in the relationship. I don''t think living together before marriage is a cure to a struggling relationship, nor do I think the statistics should hinder anyone from doing it. Ultimately I think it depends on the couple, the circumstances, and the relationship.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

My parents lived together before they were married and 30+ years later they are still happily married. Luckily for my have more liberal parents they encouraged me to live with my FI before marriage. They rather have us live together to see if it can work than rush into marriage just to live together (yes, I have seen this). No matter what when you live together you ALWAYS find out wierd, strange habits of your mate. I do think that living together slowed the engagement process (for me) because guys do get comfortable. But overall I do not regret it. Also, we moved to a new city together so it would have been silly to live apart. We will have been living together before marriage for 4 years by the time we tie the knot. It is still exciting to get married AND we don''t have to worry about the stress of moving (yeah!) or any power struggles over space or closets.

 

[Mara]

For us we did not want to do the 'try it before you buy it' to use someone else's analogy, we had both been there and done that with previous ex's and I think many times if you have that mentality then there are not reasons to change it and add marriage, and sometimes it shows you that you may have to work harder at the relationship than you thought and then it leads to 'well should it be hard'...if you are married when you think those things I tend to think that you don't have the same thoughts as when you are 'just living together' and can easily exit right stage left if things get too hard.

Greg was always over at my house anyway but that was not the same as living together. Both of us still sometimes find it hard to live together 24/7...we are both pretty independent people and joke around that we should have houses side by side so we can have our separate time alone with our stuff the way we want it and no one touching our kitchen or similar.

But back when we were dating, no matter how many days he was over at my house in a row, he could still leave and go home. It takes alot of compromise and sometimes people who just live together don't have that patience...when you stand up and take vows with someone to me the small stuff like towels on the floor etc is less important. We decided to live together after we bought the e-ring diamond and the ring was being commissioned since at that point we KNEW it was going to happen and it felt right to have him move in with me around that point. But no way did we want to live together until we knew for sure it was around the corner and being planned.

I too somewhat question the stats on living together before marriage leading to more divorce (this has been discussed on here before in numerous threads previously), but someone said this in a previous thread and I tend to think that is the truth having done it before myself...is that when you live with someone say 6 months or a year after going out for a while and you are thinking about it leading to marriage but have no definitive plans....that you always have that mentality in back of your mind, even if you never want to admit it, that you can always leave or vice versa if something goes wrong. So when things do go wrong ,and they always do in a relationship...you may mention a break up more than if you were MARRIED you would not mention divorce. That said, if those relationships do lead to marriage, then I think that alot of people still end up with that mentality of the original relationship and ability to leave and it not being permanent and so therefore may be more willing to exit a marriage for a divorce. I don't think anyone would actually ADMIT to thinking that but it's just something someone said previously as their thought for a reason on why higher divorce rates on living together eventually leading to marriage and when I really thought about it, thought that it may be somewhat valid.

 

[goldengirl]

Date: 10/30/2005 5:02:17 PM
Author: Mara
but someone said this in a previous thread and I tend to think that is the truth having done it before myself...is that when you live with someone say 6 months or a year after going out for a while and you are thinking about it leading to marriage but have no definitive plans....that you always have that mentality in back of your mind, even if you never want to admit it, that you can always leave or vice versa if something goes wrong. So when things do go wrong ,and they always do in a relationship...you may mention a break up more than if you were MARRIED you would not mention divorce. That said, if those relationships do lead to marriage, then I think that alot of people still end up with that mentality of the original relationship and ability to leave and it not being permanent and so therefore may be more willing to exit a marriage for a divorce. I don''t think anyone would actually ADMIT to thinking that but it''s just something someone said previously as their thought for a reason on why higher divorce rates on living together eventually leading to marriage and when I really thought about it, thought that it may be somewhat valid.

Interesting. See, I don''t think Kyle and I thought of this as any sort of "trial" period... and by the time we moved in together we knew where we were heading, ie, marriage. Didn''t have a ring or a proposal or a wedding date but we knew it was going to happen when it was the right time.

Maybe that''s the difference, then. Maybe if you don''t think of it as a trial situation, or something to do to get her to stop talking about marriage

; maybe if you''re already committed and this is just a step you can take down that road, maybe that''s what makes it successful. Because I know that if Kyle and I were fighting I wouldn''t suggest separation and I wouldn''t think about kicking him out (hey, it was my place first!); I''d want to talk to him, work things out, figure out a way to make it work. Because, to me, we''ve already committed. This is already permanent, marriage or not. We will work things out because we''ve already decided that''s what we''ll do. I never thought of this as a temporary or trial sort of thing. It was still a big step for me.

 

[elepri]

We lived together for a year before getting engaged and. It was not a trial period for us but the next logical step towards marriage. We already were committed to each other but neither one of us felt ready to be engaged. Luckily, we were on the same page in that neither one of use would even consider getting engaged without having lived together first. Personally, i found moving in together to be a greater adjustment than marriage and I''m happy that we did that before getting married and even engaged. Neither one of us has ever lived with a significant other before and it was quite stressful for the first couple of months. For us, moving in together after the wedding would''ve made things more stressful and difficult, not more romantic and I''m glad that by the time we were married we could jsut enjoy being married instead of getting used to each other''s quirks and moods. As for the divorce statistics, I too remember reading that it mostly applies to those who move in together with no plans to marry, particularly those who go through serial cohabitation with several partners, i guess it just affects the way one views relationships in general.

 

[Blue824]

I look at moving in after marriage a symbol of that new joint life. My friends give me a hard time because they can''t imagine not living together before getting married. If we lived together, I feel like there really wouldn''t be much difference in our dating life from our married life. If he had his way, I''d be living with him right now, but he understands that it is important to me. If anything, we will end up buying a new place when we''re engaged, but I''ve even mentioned that I''d just move in with my mom and pay toward the mortgage and move in after...it really is my preference.

I have friends that insist they couldn''t be engaged with out living with the bfs for at least a year, and I''ve always wondered why. I just don''t get that. I''ve spent SO much time with P, that I know his ins and outs, I know his financials, his goals and his habits: the good, the bad...and the weird! Yes, there maybe a surprise or two, or issues we face over having to adjust to living together, but it doesn''t really bother me because we''ve been through so many other things.

I''ve read similar research/articles to what JCJD posted, I think, I didn''t go to the links, and while I don''t base my decisions off of that research, it came out after I had formulated my own opinions....I have witnessed more that supports the research than contradicts it. As always, there are always exceptions, and that''s why you need to make your own choice based on your feelings/beliefs/experiences.

 

[nytemist]

Not to be a downer, but I''ve seen many friends try this and it hasn''t been the best thing. Typically the female thinks "oh, he''s preparing himself for our married life together and is going to propose!" and the male is thinking "great... she''s around all the time, I''m getting what I want, but there''s an easy out if something better comes along..."

I''m not saying this is how it always works. Obviously there are folks who have lived together and have wonderful marriages. I think it''s truly a personal decision- one made when you have talked things through and really know where your relationship is going. If there is one iota of doubt of how serious one or the other person is, don''t do it! Even the slightest inkling that one person is maybe ''trying it out'' to see if they want to go further, I would say not to. If, say, after a 3, 4+ year relationship, that person ''still isn''t quite sure'', living with them may not help tp make them sure. They could spend another 2+ years ''trying to make sure'' while the other person is getting frustrated that things aren''t progressing. For some, the saving money angle is just a line for some. Come on, we''ll all met them... "let''s just live togehter rather thna spend all this money on two places..." not making any mentioning anything about deepening the committment.

I know it''s just my opinion. I have never done it. My BF has made off-hand mentions of it and I keep telling him no. I refuse to be a roommate with benefits. He says "it''s not like we aren''t compatible, we can make it work until we get engaged, blah, blah, blah..." Each time I tell him no. One, stop giving me the line about getting engaged soon, I''ll believe it when I see it. Two, if you love me so much that you want me around all the time, then there should be no problem making it official. If the relationship is strong and everything works, I don''t think there''s a need to ''test'' anything.

 

[fire&ice]

Date: 10/31/2005 9:34:12 AM
Author: nytemist
Each time I tell him no. One, stop giving me the line about getting engaged soon, I''ll believe it when I see it. Two, if you love me so much that you want me around all the time, then there should be no problem making it official. If the relationship is strong and everything works, I don''t think there''s a need to ''test'' anything.

This is precisely my perspective.

Each person is different. Some people feel the need to live together as a natural progression. Some people flat out want to live together just because. But, seeing as the next step towards engagement/marriage - somehow I feel that''s flawed. Either you are committed or you are not. One should have no problem making it (as stated above) "official".

I did not live together with my husband prior to our marriage. Neither of us had problems with the transition. Marriage is a partnership - a give and take. You learn to deal with the "stuff" that drives you crazy. Is it going to drive you any less crazy if you live together prior?

And, I see Mara''s logic on reasoning behind the higher divorce "statistic".

That all being said, I don''t think it''s morally wrong.

 

[lilyinct]

My (now) husband and I lived together for about 6 months before we got engaged- and I would do the same thing all over again. He even admits that he proposed a year before he thought he was going to in part because we were so compatible. And after we were married, it was so comforting to just enjoying being married, without worrying about moving and figuring out how to live together...took so much stress out of our lives.

 

[MelissaSue]

FI''s mom is dead against us living together (or even spending the night togetherR) until we are married. We are going to a friends wedding two months before the wedding and are going to have to pretend like we have separate hotel rooms or something (we haven''t figured out the logistics..we may actually have to rent separate rooms if she is pushy about it)..

I personally don''t care either way. If she wasn''t crazy, we might not have our own place together.. but he''d definitley spend most nights with me.. It used to bother me a lot, but now Its just the way things are. Sometimes I get nervous.. and think "what if I HATE living with him?!" but I know that won''t really happen.. I think there will be difficulties with the adjustment, but we''ll work through it..

 

[flutterby]

I live with my FI and I lived with him for nearly 10 months before he proposed. And we are actually moving across the country together before we are married. Neither of our parents would have chosen this, but he is 37 and I am 29 and it made the most sense for us. I only really have issues with people living together before marraige if they have never lived on their own. Moved straight from home or college dorm in with bf or FI. I think it is really important to have a life of your own. I also am against it for strictly financial reasons. You and him both need to be able to make it on your own and not have one or the other be the ''saviour'' in terms of finances. If you need help with rent, get a roomate. That being said the only way i agree with the buy the cow theory is if you are really abstaining from intimacy and not spending the night, because then he really is still getting the milk for free...(btw, i hate that analogy)

 

[Mara]

Oh I forgot to add I don''t think it''s morally wrong at all...but it just depends on the individuals. As has kind of been pointed out, I think if its the try it before you buy it, that is not the smartest way to go. But if you know you are on the PATH for marriage through discussions or you know he''s got the ring or whatever and it just seems like the natural next step together. I think that how you start out mentally with the living together will affect your life together, aka how you started out and what you thought about it. IMO.

 

[nytemist]

So I emailed some married friends of mine about how they felt about this. Most of them did not live together prior to marrying. Some even did the whole weeknights at one place, weekends in the other. But all seem to agree that once the magic moment happened of getting married and coming into a new space together (or even moving) they couldn''t quite describe the new feeling they had. It made them feel so much closer and ready to take on the world as a couple.

I''m on the same page as msflutter- it''s essential for people, women especially, to be truly independent for some part of their life. Responsible for everything that goes on in your life and not having to answer to anyone or explain your actions. That''s when you really come into your own. It makes your self-esteem, your relationships, everything improve because you know inside you have the ability to make right decisions, no matter the situation.

 

[AChiOAlumna]

I was raised not to cohabitate and engage in sexual activity before marriage; however, as I got older, I respected my upbringing but determined what was appropriate for me.

When I was dating my DH, he had his own place, but many nights he spent at my place. Suddenly (well it felt like overnight at any rate!), I woke up one morning and realized he had basically moved into my small bachelor''s apartment. He went over to his place once a day to check his answering machine and make sure no one had broken in (we lived in the same complex). Once we started talking about marriage, we began discussing our feelings about cohabitation as he was wasting a lot of money to rent out a place for the purpose of his answering machine! Both of us agreed that we wanted to live together, but only on the condition that we were engaged and a wedding date would be set.

About a year after we met, we gave up our individual bachelor pads for a 2-bedroom townhome. A month after moving in we were engaged and a wedding date was set a month later from that for the next summer.

Interestingly enough, our moving in together made my poor DH freak out, like he was losing his independence. I had no problem adjusting...my adjustment issues sprouted upon returning from the honeymoon...like I couldn''t figure out what my role as a wife was...my role model was my own mother, who was a SAHM and cooked elaborate meals and kept the house clean. DH and I are DINKs and I couldn''t keep up with my own concept of what I "should" have been as a wife. One day, after a break down, I told my DH, "I can''t put dinner on the table when I get home every night." He replied with, "Well, who asked you to?"

I knew I married the right man...

 

[Caribou]

Before I start with my wise opinion....

I just wanted to put a disclaimer in that each individual relationship is different and things work differently for all.

Saying that...I would not move in with my SO unless we were well into an engagement and planning a wedding. I would actually prefer not to move in at all until after marriage but I don''t know if that''s always doable.

I''ve experienced living with my not so SO''s and it didn''t work out...the second time I did it I was pressured into it, now I wished that I had stood my ground but he was very manpuliative about it. Thank God my very SO

, is more reluctant to move in before than I am and also that he respects my wishes.

If you do decided to do it, my only advice would be to make sure you are both on the same level as far as where the relationship is heading. I''ve seen it one too many times where two people move in thinking it''s going to lead to marriage and a few months later the guy saying ''Why bother we are basically married now''.

 

[goldengirl]

Date: 10/31/2005 9:34:12 AM
Author: nytemist
Two, if you love me so much that you want me around all the time, then there should be no problem making it official.

I agree, depending on where the couple is in their respective lives. Very young couples like Kyle and I aren''t necessarily in a position to get engaged/married right away especially if: 1)he''s traditional about the engagement and 2)the couple expects to pay for the wedding on their own.

(Please, no judgment about how marriage only costs $50 for a license: I do believe that if it''s going to happen there''s no need to rush out and do it tomorrow, and hey, I only want to do this once, I want it to be memorable!

)

Nonetheless, we are on that path and living together was a natural progression while we settle the petty financial issues towards our mutual goal.

However, I would not live with an SO without first discussing marriage and being certain it was in the near future. And if I felt I was being strung along, I''d have no hesitation moving out.