Opinions about living together before getting married?

[Logan Sapphire]

I''m not morally opposed to LTBM, but it was never something that I felt like I had to do. A big part of it was due to my parents- it''s hard to explain, but because I didn''t feel strongly about living with a boyfriend, highly upsetting my parents wasn''t worth doing something I didn''t really care about. Through a mix of strange and unforseen circumstances, I did end up moving in with my fiance 6 months before our wedding. I would not have done it pre-engagement. We had a very easy transition, but I think it would''ve been the same had we waited until after the wedding. I do think that by the time you agree to marry someone, there should be NO surprises in the relationship or in how someone lives. If he leaves his laundry all over the place, I think you should know that BEFORE you get engaged, not after you move in. Just little things like that...

 

[Hunali]

I used to be opposed to living together with SO before marriage, but I''ve changed my view. I decided that if I got engaged, then it would be ok since we would be getting married in the near future. As it is, I only see him twice a week, and that''s hard. I miss him! I need to be with him more often. I don''t mind starting to share our lives earlier than right after the wedding.

 

[anchor31]

My boyfriend asked me to move in with him as soon as it would be possible (we are long distance at the moment because I left for school), but I told him I wouldn''t move him with him then unless we were at least engaged.

I didn''t use to care, when I was a teen I couldn''t wait to move in with my ex-boyfriend (good thing I didn''t, because things didn''t work out). But I''ve seen and still see a lot of couples around me that move in together without a commitment (and rather quickly too) and it either doesn''t work out or the girl ends up wishing she hadn''t because the guy wasn''t going to marry her anymore. "Why buy the cow when you''ve got free milk?" sort of thing.

Now, I don''t want to move in with my boyfriend before we are at least engaged because of the "free milk" issue and because we are in a very serious relationship and I want commitment when we reach that point. I believe that if my boyfriend isn''t ready to marry me, he''s not ready to live with me, because living together as a couple and being married are, for me, essentially the same thing. I don''t believe in the "making sure" thing. You make sure before you move in together. That''s what dating is for, isn''t it?

Needless to say, my boyfriend was very surprised, but he understands and respects that. People with that kind of views is rather rare here. My friends all tell me I''m being stupid and insecure and I''m blackmailing him into marriage, but I don''t believe that. I have to stick to my values and my boyfriend respects them, and that''s what''s most important.

 

[ame]

I am of the mind that if you do not live together before marriage (either engaged or not engaged) YOU ARE BATSH!T INSANE. Every single person should live with their significant other for at least 4 months, minimum, before marrying the person, again regardless of engagement status. I say this because people form one visual of their love before living together and if you don''t give yourself the fair chance and fair experience of seeing how this person lives with you, you have no idea if your relationship can weather what could be.

It angered my folks a great deal for me to move into the house my husband and I bought 8 months before our wedding, but within about a month I think they got over it because I am hard to live with.

I got him used to my morning routine and I got used to being fairly quiet pretty quickly, and we ended up sleeping in separate rooms for a few months because things didn''t mesh well at first and my bed wasn''t big enough for both of us to feel comfortable and his bed sucked. When we bought a new bed not long after our wedding, we went back to the same room. Still have nights where we want to smother the other in the bed, but we got through it. He works later than I do and tends to come to bed late and sometimes isn''t quiet about it. Or makes a taco bell run and doesn''t get me anything so I smell that in my sleep and them Im dying for Tacos for two days.

There are still issues we are working out with our level of sloppiness, etc, because he''s freaking sloppy as all get-out and again, Im about to maim him....but for the most part, we can work through that. I knew kind of what I was getting into with him before hand because he was freaking gross before and I pretty much laid down some groundrules before he moved into the house (I moved in a few days earlier) and for the most part he''s been pretty good about it. Though he has not yet mastered the "if the damn trash can is full, empty it and stop piling crap on top of the lid" or the "if your dish is dirty and the dishwasher is full of clean dishes, empty the friggin thing and then put your dirty dish in the newly emptied dishwasher". But he''s getting there...

So my point is that if you wait till you are married to move in together, your first year is going to be bloody hell. You won''t have had the time to work things out, get used to each other being in the way, deal with dirty underwear laying in every place you can think of, or sleeping habits and morning/evening routines. I actually tend to think that more folks end up divorcing really early because they get a painful and rude awakening. I feel that more marriages make it if they had a "seamless transition" from engaged living together to married living together. In fact, there''s no difference for us, and all of our friends lived together beforehand and none of them really had problems either. My mom told me she and my dad got into it a lot at first because they waited and sometimes she regrets that, and part of why she was so pissed at me for living with Ryan beforehand was a combo of jealousy, regret and knowing her mom would freak. Well luckily for me, grandma didn''t seem to give a crap.

So....I say live together, don''t fret about parents freaking and realize that you will be a stronger couple when you work things out OR you will find out before you marry this person whether or not you REALLY wanna be with this person.

 

[Caribou]

Date: 11/2/2005 12:33:42 PM
Author: ame
I am of the mind that if you do not live together before marriage (either engaged or not engaged) YOU ARE BATSH!T INSANE.

So my point is that if you wait till you are married to move in together, your first year is going to be bloody hell. You won't have had the time to work things out, get used to each other being in the way, deal with dirty underwear laying in every place you can think of, or sleeping habits and morning/evening routines. I actually tend to think that more folks end up divorcing really early because they get a painful and rude awakening. I feel that more marriages make it if they had a 'seamless transition' from engaged living together to married living together.

Wow, that was a little harsh. I don't agree. I don't think people who don't live together before marriage are batsh*t insane. I've lived with my EX-fiance before getting engaged...notice I said EX. I learned alot from that time and swore I would never do it again. I don't think living with each other before is for every one...and actually I've read several places where living with you SO before marriage can greatly increase chances for divorce. People need to do what is best for the relationship. The first year of marriage can be tough regardless if you live with your SO before or not.

 

[Mara]

ame I used to think like that, aka that you had to take that final step to ensure that your habits and his habits meshed etc...

But now I don't necessarily agree. Maybe it's experience or age or who knows. But now, to me if you have gotten to the point where you are with someone for years or similar and ready to be engaged, the living together situation is just superfluous. Greg was over all the time at my house, I already knew his habits and he knew mine. Most people are hard to live with. How is it any easier to move in with someone before or after a wedding? Personally, I think that after the wedding you are more apt to just 'get used to' or rather GET OVER someone's bad habits because hey you are married to them and it wasn't because they put the TP on the right way!

It's funny how my view has changed, I used to seriously say the same thing you did, it was REQUIRED to live together before marriage, GOD what if they had some horrible toilet habit or they threw the towel on the floor daily, and you realized you could just not stand it. But now I feel like your life together is about far more than the little annoying things that people do or more succinctly 'living habits', everyone has them...and for us it was not any easier to get used to living together before marriage than after. In FACT it almost seems like more of our quirks came out after marriage, because maybe mentally you feel absolutely just that little bit more safe in really letting it all just hang out!! There was no absolute seamless transition. And we lived together for a year and some months before marriage, and bought a house 5 months before getting married too!

 

[Mara]

I guess I should add in that if you are involved in some sort of rush to the altar then I would definitely live together before marriage because you may not have had enough time to see your other half in their natural home environment and that MAY change things. Greg and I had been together for almost 2 years when getting engaged, the last year was almost solely at my house where he''d spend days on end (even had some of his suits and clothes there) there...so we were VERY familiar with each other''s good and bad habits. But if you have just met someone and are in love or he is the one and it''s 6 months and you want to get engaged and married within another 6 months, I would definitely recommend living together because with that sort of high-adrenaline relationship, when the bubbles of the honeymoon period DO fizz out then you may find that the habits of the other person do irritate you beyond belief if you have not built a strong base of emotional surety to get you past that!!

 

[ame]

"Carabou: I've lived with my EX-fiance before getting engaged...notice I said EX. I learned alot from that time"


I did as well, and I was SO glad I lived with him before I threw my life away with a lying cheater. Which is where I come from with my advice.

You are allowed to disagree, but I think calling my 2¢ harsh is a little much.

 

[caligal]

This is a tough one- and really as many have said a personal decision. Relationships are work, and even with hard work, sometimes you find out you are not compatible. This may happen during the dating, engagement, living together, or unfortunately sometimes during a marriage. There are pluses and minuses to living together prior to marriage. This has been what I have found after living together with my boyfriend since February. We began dating in July and made the decision to move in together in December as my lease was ending in January. Here are the pluses:

You get to spend more time together
There is your best friend to come to home to, cry with, laugh with, and experience everything with!
You learn even more about each other

Some negatives:
You get the whole wife experience without actually being a wife
You see all their little quirks and he sees yours

For me- the positives greatly outweigh the negatives and we''ve grown as a couple. We''ve talked about what our roles are in the relationship and work together as a team. We''ve learned spending habits and keep each other in check for our goals, we''ve negotiated work around the apartment, and we''ve started building a life together.

I respect everyone''s individual decisions on this topic- and hope by reading everyone''s different stories you are able to make an informed decision for yourself.

 

[Caribou]

Date: 11/2/2005 1:46:40 PM
Author: ame
You are allowed to disagree, but I think calling my 2¢ harsh is a little much.

I was referring to your comment about people who do not live together before marriage are 'batsh*t insane' when I said your comments were harsh. Not because you think people should live together before marriage.

Edit to add: Caligal, well said. You're right about the negative being that you see what's it's like to be a wife before you are one. I don't want to be a wife before I'm married...and I think, sometimes, when people move in together before marriage you become a wife or husband and goals for the relationship are forgotten. Not in all cases, but in mine and others.

 

[ame]

I know exactly what you were referring to. And again, you can feel it''s harsh all you want. I don''t agree, I think it''s HONEST. That is MY OPINION. WHICH IS WHAT WAS ASKED FOR.

 

[Caribou]

Date: 11/2/2005 2:09:52 PM
Author: ame
I know exactly what you were referring to. And again, you can feel it's harsh all you want. I don't agree, I think it's HONEST. That is MY OPINION. WHICH IS WHAT WAS ASKED FOR.

Telling people they are batsh*t insane is an opinion but an insulting one....not a constructive one.

 

[decodelighted]

Ladies, ladies ... this is getting personal very quickly.

 

[Caribou]

Date: 11/2/2005 3:04:58 PM
Author: decodelighted
Ladies, ladies ... this is getting personal very quickly.

I''ll apologize since I sort of started it but I swear

I didn''t mean for it to come to this.

I''m sorry, Ame, if I offended you by saying your comment was harsh.

 

[Mara]

I didn't think you were offensive, Caribou, you were just speaking your mind. For me, all opinions are always welcome, even harshly worded ones and those who disagree!!

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 11/2/2005 3:13:34 PM
Author: Mara
I didn''t think you were offensive, Caribou, you were just speaking your mind. For me, all opinions are always welcome, even harshly worded ones and those who disagree!!

WORD! I kinda agree with both points of view BTW!

 

[ame]

Oh Im not offended. I just felt like you weren't looking at this from any other angle. I gave my side because I have seen so many things in this vein and I have come to that conclusion. I don't think it's not constructive but it is a blunt opinion.

 

[SoonIHope]

Hehe, yeah, I can''t quite decide which one of them I side with more.

Basically, I think living together is a good idea because you do get so much more complete a picture of what married life would be like. It''s not a good idea if you are secretly hoping it will lead to marriage but your boyfriend has no idea, but as long as you openly discuss your intentions, I can see no reason why it would make things worse between you. And, really, if it really DOES prove to be so bad that you want to break up...well wouldn''t you rather find that out BEFORE you get married? I think one distinction that people aren''t making clearly enough is that just because you feel more obligated to stick it out during a tough time in your marriage doesn''t necessarily mean that you''re happy. I would personally rather realize that the person really wasn''t right for me and decide not to marry him, than be stuck in a marriage I wasn''t happy with and just decide to tough it out since we were already married. Not to say that being married doesn''t take work - but I just think there really is a difference between actually being satisfied in a relationship and feeling like you need to stay in it because the committment has already been made.

As for me, my boyfriend and I moved in together a few months out of college, so we still felt we were a bit young and not emotionally "ready" to get married at that point. (Largely because my boyfriend is very much one of those ducks-in-a-row type guys, who wanted to have a good job, decide what he wants to do with his life, save up money, etc before moving on to the next step.) Two and half years later....he just bought my ring on Monday!!!

(no proposal yet) Honestly if we had gotten engaged earlier, it wouldn''t have felt as "right" as it is going to feel now...I can''t really explain why since we always knew we were going to get married. And if we hadn''t lived together during this intermediary time, I seriously doubt we would have gotten engaged any earlier since he has told me that a lot of the reason he feels ready now is because he sees how well we can live together, even with fights and money issues and splitting holidays between our families etc. You really do get sooo much closer to someone when you just see them every single day no matter what mood you''re in or how late it is or if you''re sick or whatever. And I would never personally want to commit to a lifetime with someone who I hadn''t seen a million times even when one of us was in a don''t-want-to-see-anyone mood. There''s no way I would want to give up a single minute of our living together for any of the "cons" listed above.

Side note: My brother just proposed to his girlfriend who he''d been living with for nearly SEVEN YEARS! And he''s the one who brought up the idea too, which just goes to show that not all girls are clamoring for a wedding.

But more importantly, that if you''re relationship is really good enough that you''re going to get married....then you''re going to get married - regardless of whether you live together first or not!

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 11/2/2005 1:46:40 PM
Author: ame
''Carabou: I''ve lived with my EX-fiance before getting engaged...notice I said EX. I learned alot from that time''


I did as well, and I was SO glad I lived with him before I threw my life away with a lying cheater. Which is where I come from with my advice.

You are allowed to disagree, but I think calling my 2¢ harsh is a little much.

With all due respect....if you''re going to give a strong opinion, you should be equally tolerant of strong opinions.

You feel others are insane; she feels that harsh. Neither was "a bit much"; you both feel strongly.

 

[larussel03]

My boyfriend and I decided to move in after 3 and a half years of being together, and it was such a blessing since we lived 2 hours apart 2 years ago and 1 hour apart a year ago. I got to see him once a week if I was lucky. For us personally, living together could not possibly go better, we get along so well and have so much fun together. It''s like a fun sleepover every night : ) Plus we''re both so busy with work and friends and outside obligations that we arent ALWAYS around each other, which I''m sure helps b/c it keeps us both interesting

My best friend lives with her bf as well and they''re really happy. She and I are both planning on getting engaged at some point in the next 6 months (based on what our bf''s say).

I''ve seen bad experiences also. I have one friend who moved in with her bf after one year (financial reasons) and they fight all the time, but her philosophy is its better to stay with him than to break up with him since they live together and she''s got so much "time invested" in him. I dont agree with this, but maybe argueing alot isnt a big deal to them...to me this is way worse than the ''gettnig the milk for free'' problem--they''re seemingly unhappy yet stay together since they live together. She''s told me that she thinks that if they werent living together they''d be broken up by now...

So I guess living with your SO before getting married can be good or bad. Since I''ve been with bf 4 years, I didnt move in with him b/c I wanted to make sure there were no suprises after the wedding (I''d have figured them out by now since we used to go to each others apartments all the time when we lived only 5 mins apart 2 1/2 years ago while finishing college). I guess it''s a risk you take, and it depends on the individuals.

 

[anchor31]

As everyone is different and each couple is different, I think in the end it depends on the couple and the two people in it. Everyone forges values, ideas, opinions and views through their upbringing, their own experiences and those of others around them, and I don''t think anyone can really be wrong. The most important thing is for people to respect what they believe in, and for their SO to respect it as well. If two members of a couple disagree with each other on that level, some compromising would be needed. For example, get engaged a year after they''ve moved in together. If an understanding can''t be reached, maybe then they would have to ask themselves if they really are compatible when it comes to values and ideas, and that might not be a good basis for a durable marriage.

 

[elepri]

Albicocca makes some really good points above. If living together makes you realize that you''re just not meant to be together then, I''d view it as a helpful and important, if not necessarily positive experience. Just because living together does not work out for some people, doesn''t mean they would''ve otherwise had a great marriage. Sure, it''s easier to break up with someone you''re not living with but I would much rather end a cohabitation than have to get a divorce later on. Living together is a huge adjustment and I personally would much rather have a full picture of what it''s like to be married before actually being married. To me, knowing what it''s like being a wife and learning all about my SO''s quirks before getting married was a huge plus of living together.

And another thing, I wouldn''t necessarily equate commitment to each other with commitment to marriage, even though for many it seems to be the same thing. My husband and I moved in together when we knew we wanted to be together very long-term. However, it took another year to accept the idea of marriage and what it would mean in addition to commiting to each other. It took time and many long discussions for both of us to see that getting married would not change our relationship for the worse, that we would not get conventional, dull, fat, move to the suburbs, stop traveling, etc. Once we worked that all out, we decided to get married but it''s not like our relationship was less important or meaningful or commited when we were just living together. To each their own, obviously, but as long as you''re on the same page about what living together does and does not mean, i think it can be a great idea.

 

[nytemist]

As we''ve discovered, it definately is a personal thing, depending on the couple. From some it works, for others it doesn''t. We''re all expressing what we think, not telling someone what to do.

I 100% agree with anchor31''s comment... "if you aren''t ready to marry me, you aren''t ready to live with me." (I''m kind of annoyed at this subject already since my BF asked me AGAIN if I would consider it soon. Without having a cemented path to our future? no way) Though we don''t live together, we''ve spent more than enough overnight time together to know each other''s habits- I''m kind of a neat freak, he lives like a bachelor; I can''t mishandle his CD''s; he can''t touch my Nightmare Before Christmas or Hello Kitty toys, or my swords; I''m a night owl extreme and he turns into a pumpkin sometimes by 9; he likes the cats to sleep on the bed with him, I shut the door so I can sleep rather than having them play with my hair; I tend to stay still when I sleep, he''s active and I get elbowed and kneed and basically beat up. And he hogs the covers. The list goes on. But you know what? Small stuff that I''m not going to sweat. The big stuff is what matters- fidelity, honesty, faithfulness, respect, love, dedication. That has been estblished. That is what''s important to me. That is what you build on.

He leaves his towel on the floor. Use to all the time. I don''t pick it up. I hang mine up and leave the bathroom. One day, he tripped on his towel, banged his knee, complained the rest of the day. I didn''t say a word. Since then, he has learned pretty quickly that if he put it there, he has to clean it AND that I have no plans to become a housekeeper. So if he wants me around, he has to mean it. For real.

 

[ame]

Date: 11/3/2005 9:32:17 AM
Author: nytemist
And he hogs the covers.

Bring over your own

I have my own blankets as does he. We are both hogs and this solves the problem well.

 

[anchor31]

nytemist, you complemented very well what I meant to say. It''s not because I don''t live with him that I don''t know his living habits. I know he lets the toilet lid up. He knows I''ll nag him about it if he lets it up. He''s a spender, I''m a saver. I hog the covers and move around a lot in bed. He''s a lousy cook, but makes wonderful breakfasts. I''m a great cook, but I''m hopeless around the house. He can fix just about anything, and he''s cleaner than I am. We both know those things and we''re okay with it. In my opinion, knowing each other and respecting each other is the most important thing.

 

[nytemist]

There is no black and white right answer, but I''m glad I made sense!

On ther humorous side, he jokes that he needs me... I learned how to handle every tool in the book and be a Miss Fix-it (thanks to following my father around as a child). He would have been lost as to putting up his blinds. The running joke is if there is a bar brawl when we''re out, he''s hiding behind the bar and I''m doing to fighting!

 

[Caribou]

Date: 11/2/2005 3:33:12 PM
Author: ame
Oh Im not offended. I just felt like you weren''t looking at this from any other angle. I gave my side because I have seen so many things in this vein and I have come to that conclusion. I don''t think it''s not constructive but it is a blunt opinion.

I''ve lived both sides so my opinion was purely what I would not do. What other people do in their relationship is their business. You, in my opinion gave a very one sided point. JUST MY OPINION.

 

[MissAva]

Date: 11/3/2005 9:32:17 AM
Author: nytemist
As we''ve discovered, it definately is a personal thing, depending on the couple. From some it works, for others it doesn''t. We''re all expressing what we think, not telling someone what to do.

I 100% agree with anchor31''s comment... ''if you aren''t ready to marry me, you aren''t ready to live with me.'' (I''m kind of annoyed at this subject already since my BF asked me AGAIN if I would consider it soon. Without having a cemented path to our future? no way) Though we don''t live together, we''ve spent more than enough overnight time together to know each other''s habits- I''m kind of a neat freak, he lives like a bachelor; I can''t mishandle his CD''s; he can''t touch my Nightmare Before Christmas or Hello Kitty toys, or my swords; I''m a night owl extreme and he turns into a pumpkin sometimes by 9; he likes the cats to sleep on the bed with him, I shut the door so I can sleep rather than having them play with my hair; I tend to stay still when I sleep, he''s active and I get elbowed and kneed and basically beat up. And he hogs the covers. The list goes on. But you know what? Small stuff that I''m not going to sweat. The big stuff is what matters- fidelity, honesty, faithfulness, respect, love, dedication. That has been estblished. That is what''s important to me. That is what you build on.

He leaves his towel on the floor. Use to all the time. I don''t pick it up. I hang mine up and leave the bathroom. One day, he tripped on his towel, banged his knee, complained the rest of the day. I didn''t say a word. Since then, he has learned pretty quickly that if he put it there, he has to clean it AND that I have no plans to become a housekeeper. So if he wants me around, he has to mean it. For real.

Well said!

 

[platinumrock]

Cohabitation in general is frowned upon because of the notion of premarital sex. You should be married to have sex, and sex without marriage is WRONG. Why is sex wrong the day before the wedding, but it''s expected on your wedding night? People also have this fantasy about what marriage will be like, and they think cohabitation will ruin the "magic and mystery". Well, so does being married. Sooner or later, you will get to know each other....warts, farts and all. Cohabitation is just a head start. Religious institutions have done a great job of influencing our beliefs and decisions in life. This in turn cause us to judge and draw preconceived notions about other people''s personal business. Then we refer to polls, studies and statistics to support our own beliefs and challenge others.

Why do people want to live together? Why do people want to get married? Why do people live together before and after the wedding? It won''t always be about love, and it won''t always be with the right person. When you take away the romantic and religious notion about marriage....it''s basically two people who share the same household. They won''t always be in love, they won''t always share the same last name, they won''t always be commited, they won''t always want to have kids, they won''t always share the same health insurance and they won''t always file joint taxes. Better yet, they won''t always sleep in the same room. So what exactly defines marriage?

People should define their relationships in their terms, not others. Especially when they are adults! You don''t have to be married to live together. Marriage is not always the end goal, nor is it for everyone. Lifetime monogamy is a LOT of pressure. Hence, the high divorce rate. If the couple wants to be together and they are happy, then that''s what matters.

 

[heart prongs]

Well said, platunum rock...

I think people have a zillion different reasons for moving in together...some of them good, some not so good. Come to think of it, there are just as many good and bad reasons to get married...

For my husband and I, we went into living together with a really positive attitude. And we lived tgether for a good year and a half before he FINALLY asked me to marry him! Not once though did I ever truly doubt that we''d get married one of these days. Sure, there were moments where I would drive him just about over the edge with my whining and crying about STILL not being engaged, but he always knew that it was just because I loved him so much and couldn''t wait to be married to him. And he felt the same way...and he always let me know it. He needed to save money though...he knew that the diamond he and I always dreamed I''d wear certainly wasn''t going to come cheap...he also knew that the 2-week honeymoon in Hawaii we both wanted would require some saving as well. So, we moved in together...for convenience? I guess some people would read that into it, but more so that we could be together all the time, and combining our expenses would make all the things we wanted for OUR future become OUR reality sooner. Pretty simple reasons actually.

When people go into living together with a good attitude...I think it can make for a great experience of amazing growth between the two of you...We love to reminisce about that time in our lives. Looking back...I can''t say that I''d change a thing!!!

klr

prongs