Opinions on fight?

[NuggetBrain]

I'm normally a very decisive person. I don't often go back on any choices or decisions I've made - I might regret them, but I always look at it as a learning experience at least. But I'm having issues with what I should do regarding a fight with my FI.

My fiance and I had a huge fight on Monday night. It started out about politics (we are each in opposite parties) and snowballed from there. Now, we've gotten into a lot of fights and arguements about politics and we're used to them getting heated and then cooling down for an hour or two afterwards. But this time he went a step too far in my opinion. I had posted on here previously about my grandfather passing last December. We were extremely close, he was my father figure and the most important man in my life. His good opinion was very important to me, and we discussed many things (he was such an intelligent, well-spoken man) including his time in the Army during WWII. Anyways, during my FI and I's "discussion" about the war in Iraq, I made a comment comparing it to WWII and the methods that we were using to battle it. I said that one of the reasons that the end of WWII was easier than it could have been was that the people in Germany, Japan, etc got tired of the fighting and got tired of the war, and just wanted it to be over. And that its harder to win a war or battle of any kind without first changing the mindset of the people one way or another. And he proceeded to tell me that WWII wasn't easy to end (note, I didn't say it was easy, just easier than it could have been) and my grandfather would have been offended by what I said.

I got EXTREMELY upset with him for that comment. Bringing my grandfather into the conversation to try and prove his point or make me change my mind was completely uncalled for in my opinion. Especially when he doesn't know what my grandfather would have thought. I know he would have agreed with me - I spoke to my mom about it, and she said Bop Pop would have definately agreed with me and not been offended at all. There were other things during the fight that ticked me off - like whenever I'd point out a flaw in the logic of one of his arguements, he'd respond with "You just don't understand". Of the comment that I "can't see the facts because I go off my emotions instead of my mind". But the thing with my grandfather really hurt and upset me. I made that very clear to him and he just said I was "acting crazy" (GOD I hate when they say that). We haven't spoken since Monday night even though we live together. I don't even want to. I'm worried I'm being unfair or bitchy by not speaking to him, but he's made no attempt to speak to me either and his complete lack of apology for the comment on my grandfather makes me not want to make an effort. Plus, whenever we get into an arguement I'm always the one who breaks the stalemate by calling him at work to apologize or something. I need some opinions from people outside of this issue (my mom and best friend think I should go stay with my grandma for a while but I don't want to make that big of a statement). Thoughts? Am I being too harsh in waiting for him to apologize? Should I be the one to break the silence?

 

[rhbgirl24]

I don''t think you are being too harsh and I can completely understand why that comment would have upset you. I am always the one that breaks the stale-mate in an argument also, I think thats just men to not say something first.

I would talk to him here, explain why that hurt and upset you so much. No point in fighting over different opinions, neither one of you is going to change what you think, so just explain why he hurt you.

Good luck!

 

[ilovethiswebsite]

I really don''t think your FI was trying to offend you - I think he was trying to show respect for your grandfather and call attention to the fact that he fought in that war - and probably didn''t think it was so easy at the time. I am sorry, I think fighting over politics to be frivolous, and I also think you have no reason to be mad at your FI. Seems to me to be something really insignificant to fight about... If you are really upset about it then talk to him- tell him how you feel. Not talking to one another and waiting for the other person to speak first is really immature.

 

[CNYHopeful]

If your FI is anything like mine, he''s in recoil mode. He said something harsh, stubborn, and won''t admit aloud that his comments hurt you. So, although he probably believes he''s right... it''s eating him up inside because he doesn''t know how to patch it up. When my FI goes silent, it''s usually because he doesn''t know what to say to make me feel better and it winds up that he''s more mad at himself than upset with me. But he still won''t admit he''s wrong. Silly men.

I''d say, it''s good for a man to learn that he needs to initiate conversations every now and then. It''s part of the maturing process to revisit things that are upsetting, even if it seems illogical in their minds. So, it''s OK to have the "stalemate", but I wouldn''t change the living situation because of it. It''s OK to disagree over politics. Some of the most famous political strategists are married to people of the opposite political spectrum. If this is a concern of absolute foundational values, I''d say it would need to be discussed, and revisited, but not as an "agree with me or I''ll leave" sort of thing. Just revisit and express how the manner in which he argued hurt you and how you both learn to handle each other in disagreements better in the future. Maybe there''s something the relationship can benefit and strengthen from through such a conversation. Just my $.02.

 

[fieryred33143]

I think you are overreacting big time. He was in a debate with you and mentioned your grandfather becuase it was his opinion that your grandfather, having been part of the war, would have not agreed with you. I personally think you are using this grandfather comment as a way to get him to apologize to you first. I also think its pretty ridiculous to be giving each other (two people that are about to get married) the silent treatment and cold shoulder. And now your mom wants you to go stay with your grandmother? Really?

I don''t know...I don''t get that heated over anything in politics and maybe that''s why I don''t get this whole situation.

 

[NuggetBrain]

Reading some of the responses, I just want to clairfy something - I'm not upset about our arguements over politics. We argue over it all the time - neither of us really thinks we're going to change the other person's mind. Our politics are definately not something that would break us up or even cause a long term disagreement or fight. What I'm upset about is his statement that my grandfather would be offended at my opinion, when I know for a fact he wouldn't. Not just that he wouldn't agree, but that he would be offended - and he knows very well how important my grandfather's good opinion was to me, so he knew when he said it what my reaction would probably be. And since he was never particularly close to my grandpa, and therefore didn't know in the slightest what his opinion on the matter would have been, it didn't make sense to me for him to bring it up for any other reason than to try and make me feel bad and change my opinion. That's my opinion however, and I'm definately biased so I appreciate everyone's opinions on the matter.

 

[KatyWI]

I guess I''m in the minority here, because I see some red flags. I was previously in a relationship that was emotionally (never physically) abusive.

My ex and I were in different political parties as well. And we did argue about it more than once, though generally we agreed to steer clear of political discussions.

First, To say you are "acting crazy" is a stupid insult. It''s like calling you a name, which I think is horrible too. You are not crazy, and he should be well aware of that. You were 1) arguing and 2) hurt/offended. It might have been different if he''d said "I can see you''re getting overly emotional, let''s table this discussion for now", but "You''re acting crazy" would make *me* EVEN MORE CRAZY.

Secondly, I wouldn''t break the stalemate if I were you... in fact, I hate to say this to someone I don''t know, but I would think hard about whether or not this characteristic is something you want to live with for the rest of your life. I spent THREE YEARS apologizing to my ex because no matter who was wrong, he always made me feel like *I* was wrong, and never apologized to me unless I apologized first, and sometimes not even then. I was constantly struggling to placate him when I hadn''t done anything very wrong in the first place, and it was his way of controlling me and making me feel inferior.

Personally, if you are the one who ALWAYS has to break the silence, I''d see what it takes for HIM to do it... although I know if I were still in my previous relationship, I''d probably run right to him to say how sorry I was.

Good luck with resolving your argument. I hope you two get to clear the air soon.

 

[MakingTheGrade]

The quotes you had from him would have annoyed me because I don't like being talked down to. When my fiance and I debate things, we're both careful not to make it personal, so no name calling, no belittling, no patronizing. None of those things are productive in a debate, and I would personally be irked if my fiance told me I was "acting crazy" because I didn't agree with him.

I would still talk to him though, even if it was just to explain to him that his comments bothered me, so that it wouldn't happen again in the future. I can't imagine he would refuse to apologize to you after you let him know how much the comment about your grandfather hurt and upset you. Unintentionally hurting someone is still hurting someone.

 

[ilovethiswebsite]

Date: 6/17/2009 11:16:00 AM
Author: KatyWI
I guess I''m in the minority here, because I see some red flags. I was previously in a relationship that was emotionally (never physically) abusive.


My ex and I were in different political parties as well. And we did argue about it more than once, though generally we agreed to steer clear of political discussions.


First, To say you are ''acting crazy'' is a stupid insult. It''s like calling you a name, which I think is horrible too. You are not crazy, and he should be well aware of that. You were 1) arguing and 2) hurt/offended. It might have been different if he''d said ''I can see you''re getting overly emotional, let''s table this discussion for now'', but ''You''re acting crazy'' would make *me* EVEN MORE CRAZY.


Secondly, I wouldn''t break the stalemate if I were you... in fact, I hate to say this to someone I don''t know, but I would think hard about whether or not this characteristic is something you want to live with for the rest of your life. I spent THREE YEARS apologizing to my ex because no matter who was wrong, he always made me feel like *I* was wrong, and never apologized to me unless I apologized first, and sometimes not even then. I was constantly struggling to placate him when I hadn''t done anything very wrong in the first place, and it was his way of controlling me and making me feel inferior.


Personally, if you are the one who ALWAYS has to break the silence, I''d see what it takes for HIM to do it... although I know if I were still in my previous relationship, I''d probably run right to him to say how sorry I was.


Good luck with resolving your argument. I hope you two get to clear the air soon.

Breaking the silence doesn''t mean she has to apologize first. It''s not about a power struggle or who apologizes first - it''s about talking about things sensibly instead of being immature.

 

[NuggetBrain]

Date: 6/17/2009 11:32:38 AM
Author: ilovethiswebsite

Date: 6/17/2009 11:16:00 AM
Author: KatyWI
I guess I''m in the minority here, because I see some red flags. I was previously in a relationship that was emotionally (never physically) abusive.


My ex and I were in different political parties as well. And we did argue about it more than once, though generally we agreed to steer clear of political discussions.


First, To say you are ''acting crazy'' is a stupid insult. It''s like calling you a name, which I think is horrible too. You are not crazy, and he should be well aware of that. You were 1) arguing and 2) hurt/offended. It might have been different if he''d said ''I can see you''re getting overly emotional, let''s table this discussion for now'', but ''You''re acting crazy'' would make *me* EVEN MORE CRAZY.


Secondly, I wouldn''t break the stalemate if I were you... in fact, I hate to say this to someone I don''t know, but I would think hard about whether or not this characteristic is something you want to live with for the rest of your life. I spent THREE YEARS apologizing to my ex because no matter who was wrong, he always made me feel like *I* was wrong, and never apologized to me unless I apologized first, and sometimes not even then. I was constantly struggling to placate him when I hadn''t done anything very wrong in the first place, and it was his way of controlling me and making me feel inferior.


Personally, if you are the one who ALWAYS has to break the silence, I''d see what it takes for HIM to do it... although I know if I were still in my previous relationship, I''d probably run right to him to say how sorry I was.


Good luck with resolving your argument. I hope you two get to clear the air soon.

Breaking the silence doesn''t mean she has to apologize first. It''s not about a power struggle or who apologizes first - it''s about talking about things sensibly instead of being immature.

I don''t think its about being immature. I told him after the fight that my feelings were hurt and that I was upset he brought my grandfather into it, and that''s when he told me I was "acting crazy". I''m still really upset about it, and that''s the only reason I haven''t spoken to him. If I thought that speaking with him would cause him to understand why I was angry, I would. He''s extremely stubborn, and refuses to admit when he''s wrong, and to me there are some lines you don''t cross, and invoking the name of a dead loved one to prove your point and shame the other person into agreeing with you is one of them. If he had of said "WWII vets" or even "MY grandfather" I would not have gotten upset.

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 6/17/2009 11:32:38 AM
Author: ilovethiswebsite


Breaking the silence doesn''t mean she has to apologize first. It''s not about a power struggle or who apologizes first - it''s about talking about things sensibly instead of being immature.

Ditto.

It''s not a competition to see who can hold out the longest. If you want to discuss the matter, then you tell him you want to discuss it. That doesn''t mean you need to go grovel at his feet and beg for forgiveness.

 

[beach]

Alot of red flags IMO for both of you. The communication is very poor and to hold grduges like this is reallly concerning. This goes beyond the recent argument and highlights a big problem in how you all respect each other and handle conflict. I am guessing that similar things have happened before but have not been as personal for you. Good communication is crucial for a marriage to be successful. If this is not corrected, it will likely continue and spill over into other areas of your relationship. Both of you are responsible and the finger pointing is not doing either of you any good.

 

[NuggetBrain]

Date: 6/17/2009 11:41:00 AM
Author: beach
Alot of red flags IMO for both of you. The communication is very poor and to hold grduges like this is reallly bad. This goes beyond the recent argument and highlights a big problem in how you all respect each other and handle conflict. I am guessing that similar things have happened before but have not been as personal for you. Communication is crucial for a marriage to be successful.

I would have to agree with that, and would very much like to go to pre-marital counceling to learn better ways to communicate with each other but he refuses to go (says we don''t need it).

 

[beach]

I would then go on your own and if he supports you as a person, he will go too.

 

[Squirrly]

if you know he's stubborn, and you love him despite this, then i'm afraid there's little to be done by attempting to out-stubborn him.
my boy and i are both stubborn, and of different political parties. sometimes it might take us a day or so to cool off after a fight, but since we don't live anywhere near each other, we still say our i love yous and wait to discuss until we've cooled off.
yes you did tell him why you were upset, but that was right after the fight. holding this in is not healthy, mentally or emotionally, so before this goes on any longer and you just get more and more upset then just talk. in my case, while i am usually the one to break the silence first after a fight, his first response is to apologize, so i hope that happens to you too.
generally though it's not a good idea to get into a stubborn battle/who can't talk the longest with a guy. angry girls generally like to discuss the fight with friends and other people to get different perspectives, advice, and affirmation. guys i know generally will mention that they had a fight, this is why, and then go onto the next topic.
discuss it (even though you don't think it'll do any good, then at least you know you've tried discussing it calmly). hopefully then what will follow are apologies, working it out, and kiss and make up. but the silence has to be broken first. and there's no harm in mentioning when you guys are apologizing that you've missed him these past couple days, that just might lead to an agreement not to do the no talking thing again.

eta: counseling is good, and maybe you can point out to him that it would help you two figure out how not to end up in fights like this.

 

[KatyWI]

I don't like that he refuses to admit when he's wrong, and also refuses to go to counseling with you. More red flags IMHO, but it sounds like you know that.

I agree with beach - Go to counseling alone, and if your relationship is important to him, he will go too.

 

[LilyKat]

Honestly? I think it doesn''t matter if you were in the right or not. It was a theoretical argument that got out of hand. You love him, right? You''re planning to marry him?

So go and tell him you''re sorry for the misunderstanding, and you want to move on. Give him a hug and put it behind you. Tell him your grandfather''s memory is a sensitive spot for you and you''d appreciate it if he didn''t bring him up like that in the future. Life''s too short.

 

[ams0124]

Date: 6/17/2009 12:09:29 PM
Author: LilyKat
Honestly? I think it doesn''t matter if you were in the right or not. It was a theoretical argument that got out of hand. You love him, right? You''re planning to marry him?

So go and tell him you''re sorry for the misunderstanding, and you want to move on. Give him a hug and put it behind you. Tell him your grandfather''s memory is a sensitive spot for you and you''d appreciate it if he didn''t bring him up like that in the future. Life''s too short.

DITTO.

 

[beach]

Date: 6/17/2009 12:29:00 PM
Author: ams0124

Date: 6/17/2009 12:09:29 PM
Author: LilyKat
Honestly? I think it doesn't matter if you were in the right or not. It was a theoretical argument that got out of hand. You love him, right? You're planning to marry him?

So go and tell him you're sorry for the misunderstanding, and you want to move on. Give him a hug and put it behind you. Tell him your grandfather's memory is a sensitive spot for you and you'd appreciate it if he didn't bring him up like that in the future. Life's too short.

DITTO.

Goes way past this argument and is a pattern in many of their arguments. All because she loves him does not mean she needs to be treated this way over and over again. Why does she need to say sorry? This tilts the power struggle between them and it should be more like we both need to communicate better. It is not about being sorry, it is about respecting one another. This is a broader communication issue and not simply a time for her to give him a hug and make everything okay for the time being. It will happen again and again if the broader issue is not addressed. Both are contributing to the problem in their own way and both need to work on things... This is a pattern, not a single event and should be treated as such. If you fail to see the pattern then you are missing the big picture and setting yourself up to be hurt time and time again.

 

[ilovethiswebsite]

Date: 6/17/2009 11:35:40 AM
Author: NuggetBrain

Date: 6/17/2009 11:32:38 AM
Author: ilovethiswebsite

Date: 6/17/2009 11:16:00 AM
Author: KatyWI
I guess I'm in the minority here, because I see some red flags. I was previously in a relationship that was emotionally (never physically) abusive.


My ex and I were in different political parties as well. And we did argue about it more than once, though generally we agreed to steer clear of political discussions.


First, To say you are 'acting crazy' is a stupid insult. It's like calling you a name, which I think is horrible too. You are not crazy, and he should be well aware of that. You were 1) arguing and 2) hurt/offended. It might have been different if he'd said 'I can see you're getting overly emotional, let's table this discussion for now', but 'You're acting crazy' would make *me* EVEN MORE CRAZY.


Secondly, I wouldn't break the stalemate if I were you... in fact, I hate to say this to someone I don't know, but I would think hard about whether or not this characteristic is something you want to live with for the rest of your life. I spent THREE YEARS apologizing to my ex because no matter who was wrong, he always made me feel like *I* was wrong, and never apologized to me unless I apologized first, and sometimes not even then. I was constantly struggling to placate him when I hadn't done anything very wrong in the first place, and it was his way of controlling me and making me feel inferior.


Personally, if you are the one who ALWAYS has to break the silence, I'd see what it takes for HIM to do it... although I know if I were still in my previous relationship, I'd probably run right to him to say how sorry I was.


Good luck with resolving your argument. I hope you two get to clear the air soon.

Breaking the silence doesn't mean she has to apologize first. It's not about a power struggle or who apologizes first - it's about talking about things sensibly instead of being immature.

I don't think its about being immature. I told him after the fight that my feelings were hurt and that I was upset he brought my grandfather into it, and that's when he told me I was 'acting crazy'. I'm still really upset about it, and that's the only reason I haven't spoken to him. If I thought that speaking with him would cause him to understand why I was angry, I would. He's extremely stubborn, and refuses to admit when he's wrong, and to me there are some lines you don't cross, and invoking the name of a dead loved one to prove your point and shame the other person into agreeing with you is one of them. If he had of said 'WWII vets' or even 'MY grandfather' I would not have gotten upset.

Hey - I am not saying you shouldn't be upset... Everyone has a right to be upset at whatver they so please. Would I be this upset if my FI said that to me... probably not. But that's irrelevant. All I am saying is communcation is important. You should tell him exactly what he said and did that made you feel bad. The fact that you are upset is not immature... but playing the ignoring game is not going to get you anywhere... and yes, in my books, the ignoring game is very immature.

 

[KatyWI]

She ALREADY TOLD HIM what made her so upset, and that she was hurt/offended. Even if he WERE entirely in the right, he should already have apologized for hurting her, even if he didn''t mean to!! We don''t like to hurt the people we love, do we? So even if it was literally as stupid as him saying "That car is ugly!" and her saying "OMG baby, that hurts my feelings, I put a down payment on a car JUST LIKE THAT"... which is ludicrous and unlikely, but my point is:

He should still say "I''m sorry for hurting your feelings, even though the car is not my favorite." rather than telling her "Stop acting crazy" and then ignoring her for two full days.

It''s hard for me to be objective here because this post resonates so much with my past and dredges up all sorts of feelings of dread. It''s so hard for me to see some of you being so cavalier about this post! She seems to be in a similar position communication-wise to where I was with my ex... and it worries me, because I know that our relationship and modes of communication were unhealthy.

NuggetBrain, at the very least I hope you two do some serious work on communication before you tie the knot... it should be impossible for BOTH of you to go two days without speaking if you are living together. I can''t imagine not speaking to my FI for that long, but we were friends for so long before we dated that we communicate exceptionally well. Sometimes I feel like we communicate to excess, but it''s better than the alternative!!

It seems like you agree that you and your FI have issues with how you communicate, and that you will probably want to resolve them before you wed. I hope this is true, and I am sure that you both love each other very much (after all, you ARE engaged!) and hope that with some work, you could be happier than you''ve ever been.

 

[Izzy03]

Boys are stupid.

That being said I think there are two ways this situation can be handled:

1. Learn to "agree to disagree" and try to find ways to discuss touchy topics in a more civil manner (This will require huge participation from both of you, so it may not work)

2. Do not discuss politics at all (if both of you are very politically involved than this is probably not an option)

If you neither of these options work, politics will likely cause many arguments in you future marriage

I tend to use of mix of both methods and it works for us. My husband also differ politically. I am a democrat and he is a republican. Luckily neither of us are extremist within our party so we are able to lightly discuss politics with no feelings being hurt. HOWEVER, I do save my more extreme opinions for people who share my views.

That time period after an argument when you are holding out for an apology is the worst! I would break the silence because I can't stand it, but this would be a good time to lay ALL the issues out on the table. Cooling off is okay but avoiding each other for days is not. If your grandfather is a touchy topic you need to let him know that.

 

[ams0124]

Date: 6/17/2009 12:44:11 PM
Author: beach

Date: 6/17/2009 12:29:00 PM
Author: ams0124

Date: 6/17/2009 12:09:29 PM
Author: LilyKat
Honestly? I think it doesn''t matter if you were in the right or not. It was a theoretical argument that got out of hand. You love him, right? You''re planning to marry him?

So go and tell him you''re sorry for the misunderstanding, and you want to move on. Give him a hug and put it behind you. Tell him your grandfather''s memory is a sensitive spot for you and you''d appreciate it if he didn''t bring him up like that in the future. Life''s too short.

DITTO.

Goes way past this argument and is a pattern in many of their arguments. All because she loves him does not mean she needs to be treated this way over and over again. Why does she need to say sorry? This tilts the power struggle between them and it should be more like we both need to communicate better. It is not about being sorry, it is about respecting one another. This is a broader communication issue and not simply a time for her to give him a hug and make everything okay for the time being. It will happen again and again if the broader issue is not addressed. Both are contributing to the problem in their own way and both need to work on things... This is a pattern, not a single event and should be treated as such. If you fail to see the pattern then you are missing the big picture and setting yourself up to be hurt time and time again.

Beach you''re absoultely correct. Clearly they have a communication issue, especially when it comes to debate. However, the first step to open communication is to start communicating. I''m not saying that she''s at fault, and I''m not saying that she has to apologize for anything...I''m saying that if she knows he is stubborn and will not be the first to start some dialogue then why can''t she? It doesn''t help the situation to sit back and wait eachother out. My main reason for agreeing LilyKat was that she needs to tell him exactly why she got mad in the first place, why she was hurt and offended, and then go from there. If he in turn continues to tell her "she''s acting crazy" then that is another issue. I just think that someone needs to start trying to ammend the situation and why can''t it be her? Ammend the situation first, then battle the communication problem.

 

[meresal]

Date: 6/17/2009 1:03:33 PM
Author: KatyWI
She ALREADY TOLD HIM what made her so upset, and that she was hurt/offended. Even if he WERE entirely in the right, he should already have apologized for hurting her, even if he didn't mean to!! We don't like to hurt the people we love, do we? So even if it was literally as stupid as him saying 'That car is ugly!' and her saying 'OMG baby, that hurts my feelings, I put a down payment on a car JUST LIKE THAT'... which is ludicrous and unlikely, but my point is:

He should still say 'I'm sorry for hurting your feelings, even though the car is not my favorite.' rather than telling her 'Stop acting crazy' and then ignoring her for two full days.

I have to completely agree with this statement.

It doesn't matter who is in the right or wrong, if someone you love has expressed that you hurt their feelings, you apologize. Then you sit down and talk about why it hurt your feelings, then you both promise to try to keep a level head in the future.

**Disclaimer: As long as this person doesn't show a habit of getting upset/hurt feelings over lots of trivial things, and then pouting until getting an apology.**

Yes, I think the initial arguement got way out of hand for a political debate between a couple, and not because he brought up your grandfather. He was trying to personalize his arguement so that you might see where he was coming from. When it didn't work, he should have apologized for bringing a family member into it.

However, this arguement is not the issue. It's the ignoring afterwards. It comes down to how you deal with ending arguements that shows the strength of a relationship.

This is not healthy. Maybe you all could make an agreement to end debates and shake hands when you realize neither will switch. I commend you for being in a relationship where both parts are of two different parties, and very vocal. That is something I couldn't handle in a previous relationship.

 

[Squirrly]

Date: 6/17/2009 1:03:33 PM
Author: KatyWI
She ALREADY TOLD HIM what made her so upset, and that she was hurt/offended. Even if he WERE entirely in the right, he should already have apologized for hurting her, even if he didn''t mean to!! We don''t like to hurt the people we love, do we? So even if it was literally as stupid as him saying ''That car is ugly!'' and her saying ''OMG baby, that hurts my feelings, I put a down payment on a car JUST LIKE THAT''... which is ludicrous and unlikely, but my point is:


He should still say ''I''m sorry for hurting your feelings, even though the car is not my favorite.'' rather than telling her ''Stop acting crazy'' and then ignoring her for two full days.


It''s hard for me to be objective here because this post resonates so much with my past and dredges up all sorts of feelings of dread. It''s so hard for me to see some of you being so cavalier about this post! She seems to be in a similar position communication-wise to where I was with my ex... and it worries me, because I know that our relationship and modes of communication were unhealthy.


NuggetBrain, at the very least I hope you two do some serious work on communication before you tie the knot... it should be impossible for BOTH of you to go two days without speaking if you are living together. I can''t imagine not speaking to my FI for that long, but we were friends for so long before we dated that we communicate exceptionally well. Sometimes I feel like we communicate to excess, but it''s better than the alternative!!


It seems like you agree that you and your FI have issues with how you communicate, and that you will probably want to resolve them before you wed. I hope this is true, and I am sure that you both love each other very much (after all, you ARE engaged!) and hope that with some work, you could be happier than you''ve ever been.

sorry if you think i''m being cavalier, but i am under the impression that she told him she was hurt right after the fight which means both of them could have very likely still been quite upset and emotional, and if that was the case a calmer discussion would probably do much more good. not saying he shouldn''t apologize, but like you said, not talking for 2 days is a big deal, and it does take two people to do the mutual ignoring bit. your personal experience definitely adds a different approach to this, from my own experience i never would''ve seen things that way, and i''m sorry someone did that to you Katy

good luck Nugget!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I think you''re overracting. Plain and simple. I''m not saying that your feelings are wrong, but hosting a cold war isn''t resolving anything...it''s simply adding to the dysfuncation.

Fighting for what you believe in is fine...so long as it doesn''t add a negative dynamic to your relationship. Your relationship and the health of it must, must, must come first. Even before pride and certainly before politics.

I think it''s time to set down your anger and be an adult. Tell him how you feel...in words, not silence...and not volital words, but in grown up speak--no swearing, belittling or berating. Let him know that the opinions of your Grandfather are better left off-limits...if he can do that from this point forward, then forgive him...but if he refuses to follow that, then you need to weigh what you will tolerate against what you just can''t. If that means you walk away from your relationship...that''s your business.

If you''re willing to marry this man...then be willing to open the lines of communications. Set boundries, and adhere to them. Fight the good war.

 

[House Cat]

I'm not sure there should be a worry of tilting the power struggle in a relationship. There shouldn't be a power struggle in a healthy relationship.

Ahh in the ideal world, hm?

Sometimes we do get in our battles with our loved ones. I would say this one has gone too far. You should ask yourself if your actions are strengthening your bond to FI or making it weak. What do you need to do in order to stop this and strengthen the bond?

If you feel resistance because what you need to do will somehow make you feel "less than," then there is a problem and he has somehow degraded you. THIS is what needs to be reviewed and revealed to him. This is the behavior he needs to apologize for and correct.

The politics, the grandfather, I'm thinkin that's surface stuff. Calling you crazy, and showing you very little respect, I'm thinking that's the core issue.

 

[beach]

Date: 6/17/2009 1:57:20 PM
Author: House Cat
I'm not sure there should be a worry of tilting the power struggle in a relationship. There shouldn't be a power struggle in a healthy relationship.

Ahh in the ideal world, hm?

Sometimes we do get in our battles with our loved ones. I would say this one has gone too far. You should ask yourself if your actions are strengthening your bond to FI or making it weak. What do you need to do in order to stop this and strengthen the bond?

If you feel resistance because what you need to do will somehow make you feel 'less than,' then there is a problem and he has somehow degraded you. THIS is what needs to be reviewed and revealed to him. This is the behavior he needs to apologize for and correct.

The politics, the grandfather, I'm thinkin that's surface stuff. Calling you crazy, and showing you very little respect, I'm thinking that's the core issue.

I do not disagree with you and that is my point exactly

I was going off the idea that she has apologized to him numerous times in the past and she should not be apologizing but rather confronting the real issue. Sounds like a patriarchial relationship is forming where his opinion is worth more than hers. By apologizing to someone who has repeatedly done something to hurt you over and over again gets you nowhere and only makes things worse and feeds into the maladaptive interpersonal process. I agree that the real issue is not the grandfather but the continual disrespect for her opinion and needs.

 

[beach]

Date: 6/17/2009 1:10:58 PM
Author: ams0124

Date: 6/17/2009 12:44:11 PM
Author: beach

Date: 6/17/2009 12:29:00 PM
Author: ams0124

Date: 6/17/2009 12:09:29 PM
Author: LilyKat
Honestly? I think it doesn't matter if you were in the right or not. It was a theoretical argument that got out of hand. You love him, right? You're planning to marry him?

So go and tell him you're sorry for the misunderstanding, and you want to move on. Give him a hug and put it behind you. Tell him your grandfather's memory is a sensitive spot for you and you'd appreciate it if he didn't bring him up like that in the future. Life's too short.

DITTO.

Goes way past this argument and is a pattern in many of their arguments. All because she loves him does not mean she needs to be treated this way over and over again. Why does she need to say sorry? This tilts the power struggle between them and it should be more like we both need to communicate better. It is not about being sorry, it is about respecting one another. This is a broader communication issue and not simply a time for her to give him a hug and make everything okay for the time being. It will happen again and again if the broader issue is not addressed. Both are contributing to the problem in their own way and both need to work on things... This is a pattern, not a single event and should be treated as such. If you fail to see the pattern then you are missing the big picture and setting yourself up to be hurt time and time again.

Beach you're absoultely correct. Clearly they have a communication issue, especially when it comes to debate. However, the first step to open communication is to start communicating. I'm not saying that she's at fault, and I'm not saying that she has to apologize for anything...I'm saying that if she knows he is stubborn and will not be the first to start some dialogue then why can't she? It doesn't help the situation to sit back and wait eachother out. My main reason for agreeing LilyKat was that she needs to tell him exactly why she got mad in the first place, why she was hurt and offended, and then go from there. If he in turn continues to tell her 'she's acting crazy' then that is another issue. I just think that someone needs to start trying to ammend the situation and why can't it be her? Ammend the situation first, then battle the communication problem.

I did not agree with lilykat saying to tell him she is sorry and to move on. Like brushing the problem under the carpet and acting like nothing ever happened. That would enable his behavior... She should not feel sorry for being mistreated and being upset. She should be sorry that their relationship is being hurt, but not for how she feels. By saying she is sorry for being mistreated, she is essentially saying treat me poorly again... I obviously agree that communication should occur.

NuggetBrain- I hope that things work out the way you want in the end. I am sorry to hear about what is going on and wish you the best.

 

[LadyBlue]

Date: 6/17/2009 11:14:59 AM
Author: NuggetBrain
Reading some of the responses, I just want to clairfy something - I''m not upset about our arguements over politics. We argue over it all the time - neither of us really thinks we''re going to change the other person''s mind. Our politics are definately not something that would break us up or even cause a long term disagreement or fight. What I''m upset about is his statement that my grandfather would be offended at my opinion, when I know for a fact he wouldn''t. Not just that he wouldn''t agree, but that he would be offended - and he knows very well how important my grandfather''s good opinion was to me, so he knew when he said it what my reaction would probably be. And since he was never particularly close to my grandpa, and therefore didn''t know in the slightest what his opinion on the matter would have been, it didn''t make sense to me for him to bring it up for any other reason than to try and make me feel bad and change my opinion. That''s my opinion however, and I''m definately biased so I appreciate everyone''s opinions on the matter.

You don''t know what would be your Grandfather''s opinion, and neather him. Both of you were talking about politics and there is not right and wrong, there are just opinions. If what bothers you is that he brought your Grandfather''s memory, just tell him that, ask him please not to bring your granfather memory again when you are discussing a topic, and moved on.