Opinions on fight?

[LilyKat]

Please don't anyone take this the wrong way... but we ought to take care not to project our own experiences and assumptions onto Nugget's situation.

Based purely on what she's told us, I don't see that she is being chronically mistreated or emotionally abused. To me, it sounds like two people who got into a fight which escalated, are now angry, feel hurt and misunderstood, and aren't behaving in as mature a way as they could (and we ALL do that sometimes). Maybe I'm wrong, and this is a chronic pattern of behaviour that is destroying their relationship. But she hasn't told us that yet.

All I'm saying is that silent treatment is NEVER the answer. You absolutely don't need to apologise for how you feel - but you can you're sorry about the situation you've both found yourself in. Talk calmly. And if he's not initiating, you need to be the bigger person and do it. Don't pretend it never happened - but learn from it and move on with a stronger relationship.

 

[NuggetBrain]

Date: 6/17/2009 2:32:01 PM
Author: gaby06

Date: 6/17/2009 11:14:59 AM
Author: NuggetBrain
Reading some of the responses, I just want to clairfy something - I''m not upset about our arguements over politics. We argue over it all the time - neither of us really thinks we''re going to change the other person''s mind. Our politics are definately not something that would break us up or even cause a long term disagreement or fight. What I''m upset about is his statement that my grandfather would be offended at my opinion, when I know for a fact he wouldn''t. Not just that he wouldn''t agree, but that he would be offended - and he knows very well how important my grandfather''s good opinion was to me, so he knew when he said it what my reaction would probably be. And since he was never particularly close to my grandpa, and therefore didn''t know in the slightest what his opinion on the matter would have been, it didn''t make sense to me for him to bring it up for any other reason than to try and make me feel bad and change my opinion. That''s my opinion however, and I''m definately biased so I appreciate everyone''s opinions on the matter.

You don''t know what would be your Grandfather''s opinion, and neather him. Both of you were talking about politics and there is not right and wrong, there are just opinions. If what bothers you is that he brought your Grandfather''s memory, just tell him that, ask him please not to bring your granfather memory again when you are discussing a topic, and moved on.

Actually I do know what my grandfather''s opinion would have been because we discussed it. Which is why I was so upset. If I didn''t have a real good idea from his own mouth of what his thoughts on the matter were, I wouldn''t have felt it okay to get upset because it would all be a guessing game.

I really appreciate everybody''s opinion and advice on this - I agree that the silent treatment is not the appropriate way of handling this issue. I did send him an e-mail to find out what time he was going to be home tonight (I want to make sure I''m there and there aren''t any little distractions like dishes in the sink or a dirty living room to distract us from figuring this out) and he hasn''t responded. I''m going to assume its because he''s busy at work even though he always responds to my e-mails within an hour at the most. I also agree that I might be over-reacting with my behavior - its just that Bop Pop is still a very touchy subject for me and he knows that. I guess everybody has a tendancy to have that one topic or person or issue that causes them to react irrationally sometimes, and I guess I''ve found mine.

 

[Elmorton]

Nugget, I hope you guys are on talking terms now!

Here''s my take (and I teach argumentation FWIW): you and your FI were in a logical stalemate. So, he tried to relate to you using a more personal argument, by bringing in your grandfather. Trying to relate to your audience on a personal level is what a good rhetor/arguer does - he knew that you value your grandfather, and so he was trying to speak to you on the level of your values. I TEACH my students to be aware of their audience''s values to better relate to them. From this aspect, your FI was not trying to abuse you. Rather, he was being aware of you.

But, from a rhetorical standpoint, he was using an informal fallacy or two (bringing in support that can''t be proven one way or another, since your grandfather isn''t there), but I don''t really think your FI deserves the silent treatment for that! Maybe just rhetoric grade of a C- for the day - or a google searched print out of "INFORMAL FALLACIES" with his bad arguments highlighted and taped to his closet door.

While I wasn''t there in your midst for the argument, it sounds like your FI was simply using standard rhetorical techniques to make a point. Yes, he missed the mark. Yes, the plan backfired and offended you. The fix? Talk about it. Calmly, rationally.

OH! And - this is something I''ve learned that hard way - it might be a good idea to not ask your mom''s opinion next time. Even when you''re close to your parents, they''re your biggest support, they love your FI - it''s really not a parent''s place to be involved in the spats (no matter how big or small) that a married or soon to be married couple has. Fighting/arguing fairly, playfully, and respectfully means also respecting that your debates stay within the walls of your home (no calling for "backup" from Mom or Dad - unless you''re both laughing about it, like the time I called up my mom to verify that "deodorant" in Spanish is indeed "desodarante" like my DH was insisting). Live and learn, hon! Hope things have been resolved.

 

[meresal]

Date: 6/17/2009 2:34:43 PM
Author: LilyKat
Please don't anyone take this the wrong way... but we ought to take care not to project our own experiences and assumptions onto Nugget's situation.

Based purely on what she's told us, I don't see that she is being chronically mistreated or emotionally abused. To me, it sounds like two people who got into a fight which escalated, are now angry, feel hurt and misunderstood, and aren't behaving in as mature a way as they could (and we ALL do that sometimes). Maybe I'm wrong, and this is a chronic pattern of behaviour that is destroying their relationship. But she hasn't told us that yet.

All I'm saying is that silent treatment is NEVER the answer. You absolutely don't need to apologise for how you feel - but you can you're sorry about the situation you've both found yourself in. Talk calmly. And if he's not initiating, you need to be the bigger person and do it. Don't pretend it never happened - but learn from it and move on with a stronger relationship.

She said in her original post, that she is "always the one that calls and breaks the stalemate by apologizing". Also after telling us that he said she was "Acting Crazy" she followed it with "(I hate when he does that)". Which means it has happened before.

I'm not saying that means emotional abuse, but it definitely means she is being disrespected. However, it is only fixable/changable if both parties are willing to sit down and come to a conclusion that things will be handled better. If that conversation has been had before (which I am, not sure of) and nothing changes, well then... you either act or you deal with it.

Nugget- You need to demand that he sit and talk with you. Don't wait for him to talk. It sounds like this has happened before, and he sees no reason to do anything other than sit and wait for you to call. If you do it again, it will only continue the cycle. I hope things are getting better.

 

[beach]

Date: 6/17/2009 2:53:54 PM
Author: meresal

Date: 6/17/2009 2:34:43 PM
Author: LilyKat
Please don't anyone take this the wrong way... but we ought to take care not to project our own experiences and assumptions onto Nugget's situation.

Based purely on what she's told us, I don't see that she is being chronically mistreated or emotionally abused. To me, it sounds like two people who got into a fight which escalated, are now angry, feel hurt and misunderstood, and aren't behaving in as mature a way as they could (and we ALL do that sometimes). Maybe I'm wrong, and this is a chronic pattern of behaviour that is destroying their relationship. But she hasn't told us that yet.

All I'm saying is that silent treatment is NEVER the answer. You absolutely don't need to apologise for how you feel - but you can you're sorry about the situation you've both found yourself in. Talk calmly. And if he's not initiating, you need to be the bigger person and do it. Don't pretend it never happened - but learn from it and move on with a stronger relationship.

She said in her original post, that she is 'always the one that calls and breaks the stalemate by apologizing'. Also after telling us that he said she was 'Acting Crazy' she followed it with '(I hate when he does that)'. Which means it has happened before.

I'm not saying that means emotional abuse, but it definitely means she is being disrespected. However, it is only fixable/changable if both parties are willing to sit down and come to a conclusion that things will be handled better. If that conversation has been had before (which I am, not sure of) and nothing changes, well then... you either act or you deal with it.

Nugget- You need to demand that he sit and talk with you. Don't wait for him to talk. It sounds like this has happened before, and he sees no reason to do anything other than sit and wait for you to call. If you do it again, it will only continue the cycle. I hope things are getting better.

I agree with Meresal. It is a pattern of disrespect LilyKat, and Nugget is allegedly the one frequently sacrificing to keep the peace. This is not a projection/transference of issues but simply responding to what she wrote. Perhaps you are making assumptions and missed this info? In any case, opinons are like butts, we all have them so keep it respectful and agree to disagree. This is obviously a sensitive topic for the parties involved.

 

[Haven]

Date: 6/17/2009 1:57:20 PM
Author: House Cat
I''m not sure there should be a worry of tilting the power struggle in a relationship. There shouldn''t be a power struggle in a healthy relationship.

Ahh in the ideal world, hm?

Sometimes we do get in our battles with our loved ones. I would say this one has gone too far. You should ask yourself if your actions are strengthening your bond to FI or making it weak. What do you need to do in order to stop this and strengthen the bond?

If you feel resistance because what you need to do will somehow make you feel ''less than,'' then there is a problem and he has somehow degraded you. THIS is what needs to be reviewed and revealed to him. This is the behavior he needs to apologize for and correct.

The politics, the grandfather, I''m thinkin that''s surface stuff. Calling you crazy, and showing you very little respect, I''m thinking that''s the core issue.

Excellent post, House Cat. You are always so insightful.

I have nothing more to add, HC''s post says it all.

 

[Loves Vintage]

Haven't read through the whole thread, but with respect to the "acting crazy" comment, Nugget actually said: "I hate when they say that," which I believe was a reference to men in general referring to women in general as "acting crazy" in response to an emotional reaction, for example.

Sorry, but I don't see that comment as reflective of a "pattern of abuse."

 

[beach]

Date: 6/17/2009 11:45:17 AM
Author: NuggetBrain

Date: 6/17/2009 11:41:00 AM
Author: beach
Alot of red flags IMO for both of you. The communication is very poor and to hold grduges like this is reallly bad. This goes beyond the recent argument and highlights a big problem in how you all respect each other and handle conflict. I am guessing that similar things have happened before but have not been as personal for you. Communication is crucial for a marriage to be successful.

I would have to agree with that, and would very much like to go to pre-marital counceling to learn better ways to communicate with each other but he refuses to go (says we don't need it).

She agreed to the pattern of communication problems. That is all that matters in the end and that is what we should be helping her get through.

 

[NuggetBrain]

Date: 6/17/2009 3:27:23 PM
Author: Loves Vintage
Haven''t read through the whole thread, but with respect to the ''acting crazy'' comment, Nugget actually said: ''I hate when they say that,'' which I believe was a reference to men in general referring to women in general as ''acting crazy'' in response to an emotional reaction, for example.

Sorry, but I don''t see that comment as reflective of a ''pattern of abuse.''

I should have phrased that better - he does do that whenever arguements get heated or I get upset about something that he thinks I shouldn''t be upset about. I just noticed that my girlfriends'' boyfriends seem to do that too, so I just figured it was something all dudes did. My FI is my first and only boyfriend (hell, he was my first kiss, first date, etc), so I don''t have a lot of experience with the different ways of men.

 

[KatyWI]

Date: 6/17/2009 3:42:43 PM
Author: NuggetBrain

Date: 6/17/2009 3:27:23 PM

Author: Loves Vintage

Haven''t read through the whole thread, but with respect to the ''acting crazy'' comment, Nugget actually said: ''I hate when they say that,'' which I believe was a reference to men in general referring to women in general as ''acting crazy'' in response to an emotional reaction, for example.


Sorry, but I don''t see that comment as reflective of a ''pattern of abuse.''

I should have phrased that better - he does do that whenever arguements get heated or I get upset about something that he thinks I shouldn''t be upset about. I just noticed that my girlfriends'' boyfriends seem to do that too, so I just figured it was something all dudes did. My FI is my first and only boyfriend (hell, he was my first kiss, first date, etc), so I don''t have a lot of experience with the different ways of men.

I can tell you from experience that some men do say stuff like that - and some don''t. In my opinion, you want one that doesn''t - and I am *NOT* trying to say your FI can''t be that man that doesn''t say that, just that right now, he obviously isn''t. In my opinion it''s the same as calling you a name. Whenever you get emotional or disagree with him, you aren''t crazy!! It''s rude and uncalled for. If you don''t mind, that''s a different story, I suppose, but he should say something like "I don''t really see it that way, why don''t you explain to me why this is so important?" In addition, the fact that you are always the one to apologize reminded me of my past. It is not necesarily a problem if you are always the first to open the lines of communication - some people do withdraw and require some coaxing - but if he never admits wrongdoing, even when he IS wrong or has hurt you, that is also an unhealthy pattern.

When fighting or disagreeing in any way, my FI has never called me a name or told me I was acting crazy, or anything like that. We''re more likely to say "WHATEVER!" and take a few minutes to cool down before calmly explaining what we were trying to get across in the first place. Sometimes it takes a long time to get to a place where you communicate in a way that is entirely healthy and works for you.

NuggetBrain, by comparing this situation to my former relationship, I am merely trying to tell you that I think I *do* see a pattern of disrespect that needs to be remedied. And to be perfectly clear (in case others think I am trying to force a breakup or something) in no way am I saying that your FI is abusive the way that my ex was, or that you should end your relationship. I am merely being far too verbose. Like HouseCat said, the disrespect and communication issues are red flags in my opinion, and are something you could work on to make your relationship even better in the future.

 

[Erin]

We fight about politics all the time.
Then we agree to disagree.
Then we drop it.
That''s it.
It''s not worth it.

 

[newsboysgrl777]

I just want to chime in and hopefully be very general in my statements, rather than personal. It seems that there is just a lot of emotion flying around between responders and we should do like we've advised Nugget: agree to disagree.

That being said...I'm in pre-marital counseling and our pastor required us to both read a book that I thought was really great. It's called Love & Respect (subtitled: The Love She Most Desires, The Respect He Desperately Needs (or something like that)**. One of the major positives is that, although written by a man, it stemmed from conferences that that man AND HIS WIFE held nationally, and so she had a lot of input in the book. Another positive is that it not only tells you things in theory, but gives examples of those things. Whether it be an example of how two people hear the exact same words, but get different messages from it, or it be an argument that a husband and wife have, or examples of how to do something differently (like, how to show him respect...or how to show her love). It's insightful, yes, but it's also very practical.

The book helps us to see how our thinking and feeling is different from the opposite sex, but also our needs and wants are different, too. It helps give an 'inside' into the way HE processes and sees things, and the same for how WE process and see things as women. And then, it goes on to help us to work with one another with these 'differences' and how we can work together, rather than getting on (what the author calls) The Crazy Cycle, which it sounds like the two of you are on (with the not speaking, etc.).

Another book my pastor recommended when I said I'd really like to learn more about communication with my FI is by the same author called Cracking the Communication Code. The author of both those books is Emerson Eggerichs. I can't comment on this second book, but I can say if it's anything like the first one, it would be a great investment. Hopefully you and your FI would be able to read this book, but even if he's not interested at first (or you don't want to bring it up to him at first), it can make a big difference if just you read it. If you don't want to spend the money right now, see if your local library has it! Or, you can do what MY FI (who hates to read) did...buy it as an audiobook from itunes.

Good luck, hun!!



**Now, a disclaimer I'd like to give is, at FIRST, it feels like the author is all about how the woman needs to respect the man and not how the man needs to respect the woman, but, if you'll just get through it a little more, you'll realize the book DOES balance out, but it can be taken as a personal attack. (I tried not to read it that way, but expressed my concerns with my pastor and he told me that he understands how it'd feel that way, but once I got to other parts of the book, it could feel that way to my partner...and he was right. So, the author is merely trying to balance the book without taking 'sides')

 

[LilyKat]

Date: 6/17/2009 2:44:21 PM
Author: NuggetBrain

I really appreciate everybody's opinion and advice on this - I agree that the silent treatment is not the appropriate way of handling this issue. I did send him an e-mail to find out what time he was going to be home tonight (I want to make sure I'm there and there aren't any little distractions like dishes in the sink or a dirty living room to distract us from figuring this out) and he hasn't responded. I'm going to assume its because he's busy at work even though he always responds to my e-mails within an hour at the most. I also agree that I might be over-reacting with my behavior - its just that Bop Pop is still a very touchy subject for me and he knows that. I guess everybody has a tendancy to have that one topic or person or issue that causes them to react irrationally sometimes, and I guess I've found mine.

Nugget, I'm really glad you've reached out and started the ball rolling. Let us know how it goes. You sound like a smart girl and I really hope you'll be able to work through this issue and any longer-standing ones.

 

[NuggetBrain]

Well, I attempted to talk to him last night. He got home from work with the Father's Day present we thought his dad would like, and our conversation went pretty much like this:

Me: Oh, you got the bocce ball set for your dad? That's awesome.
Him: *Nod*
Me: Was it expensive?
Him: Seventy.
Me: Okay, I'll give you my half of it tomorrow. (We always split the cost of gifts)
Him: No.
Me:....okay. Can I ask why not?
Him: Cuz its my dad.

In other words, he doesn't want my name on the present for his dad. Everytime I talked to him that evening, I got either one word answers or head shakes. And he slept on the couch again. This is what I meant when I said I'm always the one to talk first - I have to sweet talk and cajole him into a better mood before we can even have discussions about what made us upset in the first place, otherwise its just another fight. And I don't like feeling like I have to cater to him in order to get him to stop acting like I'm not in the room or responding with one word answers (if he responds at all). Its childish, and I'm frustrated, but I REALLY don't want to resort to my usual behavior of acting super super sweet to him until he decides its okay to stop sulking. I feel its kind of demeaning.

 

[meresal]

Date: 6/18/2009 10:21:18 AM
Author: NuggetBrain
Well, I attempted to talk to him last night. He got home from work with the Father's Day present we thought his dad would like, and our conversation went pretty much like this:

Me: Oh, you got the bocce ball set for your dad? That's awesome.
Him: *Nod*
Me: Was it expensive?
Him: Seventy.
Me: Okay, I'll give you my half of it tomorrow. (We always split the cost of gifts)
Him: No.
Me:....okay. Can I ask why not?
Him: Cuz its my dad.

In other words, he doesn't want my name on the present for his dad. Everytime I talked to him that evening, I got either one word answers or head shakes. And he slept on the couch again. This is what I meant when I said I'm always the one to talk first - I have to sweet talk and cajole him into a better mood before we can even have discussions about what made us upset in the first place, otherwise its just another fight. And I don't like feeling like I have to cater to him in order to get him to stop acting like I'm not in the room or responding with one word answers (if he responds at all). Its childish, and I'm frustrated, but I REALLY don't want to resort to my usual behavior of acting super super sweet to him until he decides its okay to stop sulking. I feel its kind of demeaning.

Wow. That was the 3rd night on the couch. I'm sorry he is still acting this way. I have a question? Does this "punishment period" get longer everytime something like this happens?

ETA: Also, did he ever email you back yesterday?

 

[Porridge]

Wow. That sucks. I applaud you for taking the first step, but you did it, you got slapped in the face and now you don't have to do anything more. It's his turn. You're right, it is demeaning. He would really want to cop on and grow up.

{{{HUGS}}}

 

[NuggetBrain]

Date: 6/18/2009 10:25:51 AM
Author: meresal

Date: 6/18/2009 10:21:18 AM
Author: NuggetBrain
Well, I attempted to talk to him last night. He got home from work with the Father''s Day present we thought his dad would like, and our conversation went pretty much like this:

Me: Oh, you got the bocce ball set for your dad? That''s awesome.
Him: *Nod*
Me: Was it expensive?
Him: Seventy.
Me: Okay, I''ll give you my half of it tomorrow. (We always split the cost of gifts)
Him: No.
Me:....okay. Can I ask why not?
Him: Cuz its my dad.

In other words, he doesn''t want my name on the present for his dad. Everytime I talked to him that evening, I got either one word answers or head shakes. And he slept on the couch again. This is what I meant when I said I''m always the one to talk first - I have to sweet talk and cajole him into a better mood before we can even have discussions about what made us upset in the first place, otherwise its just another fight. And I don''t like feeling like I have to cater to him in order to get him to stop acting like I''m not in the room or responding with one word answers (if he responds at all). Its childish, and I''m frustrated, but I REALLY don''t want to resort to my usual behavior of acting super super sweet to him until he decides its okay to stop sulking. I feel its kind of demeaning.

Wow. That was the 3rd night on the couch. I''m sorry he is still acting this way. I have a question? Does this ''punishment period'' get longer everytime something like this happens?

I''m actually not sure - usually I give in within a day or two and act all June Cleaver until things are back to normal. I''ve never just let him make the first move before so I don''t know how long he can stay this way. This weekend we''re supposed to go to his parents'' for dinner on Sunday and out on the lake with friends on Saturday, and he''s very aware of appearances so I''d be surprised if he didn''t at least act like everything was fine when people were looking.

 

[meresal]

Date: 6/18/2009 10:31:00 AM
Author: NuggetBrain

Date: 6/18/2009 10:25:51 AM
Author: meresal

Wow. That was the 3rd night on the couch. I'm sorry he is still acting this way. I have a question? Does this 'punishment period' get longer everytime something like this happens?

I'm actually not sure - usually I give in within a day or two and act all June Cleaver until things are back to normal. I've never just let him make the first move before so I don't know how long he can stay this way. This weekend we're supposed to go to his parents' for dinner on Sunday and out on the lake with friends on Saturday, and he's very aware of appearances so I'd be surprised if he didn't at least act like everything was fine when people were looking.

First thing, for the record since you haven't been in other relationships, THAT is mentally/emotionally abusive behavior. Being nice to you so that everything looks fine on the outside, but then the minute you are alone again he goes back to being mad. That isn't fare to you.

As far as him sleeping on the couch for three nights and still not talking to you after you have approached him, what baffles me, is why he is so mad? He's even gone to the point of showing his posessiveness of his family members. Not good. It's almost like he's trying to prove his dominance in the relationship by waiting for you to apologize and beg him to be nice again, and this is all because of something that shouldn't even matter anymore. He's just punishing you.

Did you say anything personal that might have upset him after you got upset about your grandfather? Just trying to see if there is any justifiable reason he would continue acting like this, just because you haven't apologized. Even if this were the case, it's still not good that he wouldn't tell you why he's upset.

 

[purselover]

That''s awful! I''m sorry he''s being so rude to you, I think he''s taking this argument way too far.

 

[NuggetBrain]

Date: 6/18/2009 10:39:24 AM
Author: meresal

Date: 6/18/2009 10:31:00 AM
Author: NuggetBrain

Date: 6/18/2009 10:25:51 AM
Author: meresal

Wow. That was the 3rd night on the couch. I''m sorry he is still acting this way. I have a question? Does this ''punishment period'' get longer everytime something like this happens?

I''m actually not sure - usually I give in within a day or two and act all June Cleaver until things are back to normal. I''ve never just let him make the first move before so I don''t know how long he can stay this way. This weekend we''re supposed to go to his parents'' for dinner on Sunday and out on the lake with friends on Saturday, and he''s very aware of appearances so I''d be surprised if he didn''t at least act like everything was fine when people were looking.

First thing, for the record since you haven''t been in other relationships, THAT is mentally/emotionally abusive behavior. Being nice to you so that everything looks fine on the outside, but then the minute you are alone again he goes back to being mad. That isn''t fare to you.

As far as him sleeping on the couch for three nights and still not talking to you after you have approached him, what baffles me, is why he is so mad? He''s even gone to the point of showing his posessiveness of his family members. Not good. It''s almost like he''s trying to prove his dominance by waiting for you to apologize and beg him to be nice again, and this is all because of something that shouldn''t even matter anymore. He''s just punishing you.

Did you say anything personal that might have upset him after you got upset about your grandfather? Just trying to see if there is any justifiable reason he would continue acting like this, just because you haven''t apologized.

I think he was upset about how heated our arguement got, especially because we were in a public place (at Buffalo Wild Wings). He thinks I got upset over nothing, and that''s why he''s mad. The fact that it was in public (like I said, he''s very concious of appearances) just made it worse. I don''t think I said anything personal to him (I honestly can''t remember the entire arguement but I know I didn''t say anything that sticks out and would make me go "Whoa, that was uncalled for".) I tried asking him but he shut me down.

 

[ams0124]

Date: 6/18/2009 10:31:00 AM
Author: NuggetBrain


I'm actually not sure - usually I give in within a day or two and act all June Cleaver until things are back to normal. I've never just let him make the first move before so I don't know how long he can stay this way. This weekend we're supposed to go to his parents' for dinner on Sunday and out on the lake with friends on Saturday, and he's very aware of appearances so I'd be surprised if he didn't at least act like everything was fine when people were looking.

Nugget I have a question. I'm trying to understand a little better so if you don't feel like answering I won't get offended.
When you say you usually act like June Cleaver until things go back to normal does that mean you don't specifically address what was wrong in the first place and just cook extra good dinners and fold his laundry and make him lunch to take to work? Or does that mean you cuddle up to him and say what a great person he is and how it's all your fault and he's such a saint to be with you...(maybe not to that extreme but you get the point)

I'm asking because if it's either of those, you’re perpetuating bad communication between you both. I hope you tried to have an open honest talk about what happened the other night, and not just about the father's day present or other trivial details of the day...If you were trying to be honest with him and one word answers are what you received then your SO has a significant amount of growing up to do.

ETA: I also agree with Mere with regards to the acting nice in front of others and then changing his attitude when your one on one...that alone tells me he needs to grow up. I hope you realize that you deserve someone who loves you and treats you as such ALL THE TIME regardless of fighting here and there.

 

[NuggetBrain]

Date: 6/18/2009 10:45:04 AM
Author: ams0124

Date: 6/18/2009 10:31:00 AM
Author: NuggetBrain


I''m actually not sure - usually I give in within a day or two and act all June Cleaver until things are back to normal. I''ve never just let him make the first move before so I don''t know how long he can stay this way. This weekend we''re supposed to go to his parents'' for dinner on Sunday and out on the lake with friends on Saturday, and he''s very aware of appearances so I''d be surprised if he didn''t at least act like everything was fine when people were looking.

Nugget I have a question. I''m trying to understand a little better so if you don''t feel like answering I won''t get offended.
When you say you usually act like June Cleaver until things go back to normal does that mean you don''t specifically address what was wrong in the first place and just cook extra good dinners and fold his laundry and make him lunch to take to work? Or does that mean you cuddle up to him and say what a great person he is and how it''s all your fault and he''s such a saint to be with you...(maybe not to that extreme but you get the point)

I''m asking because if it''s either of those, you’re perpetuating bad communication between you both. I hope you tried to have an open honest talk about what happened the other night, and not just about the father''s day present or other trivial details of the day...If you were trying to be honest with him and one word answers are what you received then your SO has a significant amount of growing up to do.

My FI is the type of person that, if I attempt to have a honest conversation with him about the fight in the mood he''s in now, it will just turn into another fight. He''s still in the same mindset as he was right after the fight. So yeah, I do things like ask him to come sleep in the bed, and cuddle up to him and make extra good dinners and sometimes send him flowers at work with an "I''m Sorry" message to get him to calm down. Unfortunately I have to get him out of the mindset he''s in before I can have an honest, non confrontational conversation about the fight.

 

[ams0124]

Date: 6/18/2009 10:52:03 AM
Author: NuggetBrain

Date: 6/18/2009 10:45:04 AM
Author: ams0124

Date: 6/18/2009 10:31:00 AM
Author: NuggetBrain



I''m actually not sure - usually I give in within a day or two and act all June Cleaver until things are back to normal. I''ve never just let him make the first move before so I don''t know how long he can stay this way. This weekend we''re supposed to go to his parents'' for dinner on Sunday and out on the lake with friends on Saturday, and he''s very aware of appearances so I''d be surprised if he didn''t at least act like everything was fine when people were looking.

Nugget I have a question. I''m trying to understand a little better so if you don''t feel like answering I won''t get offended.
When you say you usually act like June Cleaver until things go back to normal does that mean you don''t specifically address what was wrong in the first place and just cook extra good dinners and fold his laundry and make him lunch to take to work? Or does that mean you cuddle up to him and say what a great person he is and how it''s all your fault and he''s such a saint to be with you...(maybe not to that extreme but you get the point)

I''m asking because if it''s either of those, you’re perpetuating bad communication between you both. I hope you tried to have an open honest talk about what happened the other night, and not just about the father''s day present or other trivial details of the day...If you were trying to be honest with him and one word answers are what you received then your SO has a significant amount of growing up to do.

My FI is the type of person that, if I attempt to have a honest conversation with him about the fight in the mood he''s in now, it will just turn into another fight. He''s still in the same mindset as he was right after the fight. So yeah, I do things like ask him to come sleep in the bed, and cuddle up to him and make extra good dinners and sometimes send him flowers at work with an ''I''m Sorry'' message to get him to calm down. Unfortunately I have to get him out of the mindset he''s in before I can have an honest, non confrontational conversation about the fight.

Ok...another question: After you butter him up (sort of speak) and you apologize for whatever it was that you most likely didn''t do wrong....does he every apologize for what he did? Or is all blame on you all the time?

 

[Loves Vintage]

Date: 6/18/2009 10:39:24 AM
Author: meresal

Date: 6/18/2009 10:31:00 AM
Author: NuggetBrain

Date: 6/18/2009 10:25:51 AM
Author: meresal

Wow. That was the 3rd night on the couch. I'm sorry he is still acting this way. I have a question? Does this 'punishment period' get longer everytime something like this happens?

I'm actually not sure - usually I give in within a day or two and act all June Cleaver until things are back to normal. I've never just let him make the first move before so I don't know how long he can stay this way. This weekend we're supposed to go to his parents' for dinner on Sunday and out on the lake with friends on Saturday, and he's very aware of appearances so I'd be surprised if he didn't at least act like everything was fine when people were looking.

First thing, for the record since you haven't been in other relationships, THAT is mentally/emotionally abusive behavior. Being nice to you so that everything looks fine on the outside, but then the minute you are alone again he goes back to being mad. That isn't fare to you.

As far as him sleeping on the couch for three nights and still not talking to you after you have approached him, what baffles me, is why he is so mad? He's even gone to the point of showing his posessiveness of his family members. Not good. It's almost like he's trying to prove his dominance in the relationship by waiting for you to apologize and beg him to be nice again, and this is all because of something that shouldn't even matter anymore. He's just punishing you.

Did you say anything personal that might have upset him after you got upset about your grandfather? Just trying to see if there is any justifiable reason he would continue acting like this, just because you haven't apologized. Even if this were the case, it's still not good that he wouldn't tell you why he's upset.

Wait, what? Where did she say that?

Nugget - As far as the trying to talk, have you considered talking about the issue, but not apologizing if you feel that you have nothing to apologize for. The conversation that you cited has nothing to do with the argument itself. I would openly address the argument, acknowledge with him that you need to talk about it. I think you are hesitant to address the issue because you feel like you are apologizing by breaking the silence. So, don't apologize and don't be June Cleaver-ish. Just talk about what happened and how you can both avoid such scenarios in the future.

And, as far as this weekend. If he is not talking to you, I would skip the time with his friends and his parents too. I would absolutely refuse to put up appearances for anyone. That is BS. He can man up, have a conversation with you and resolve this issue. Once everything is back to normal, then I would go along. If he wants to continue to play games and wait-it-out or doing whatever he is doing, then he can go alone.

For the record, I don't think putting up appearances like you've suggested in even remotely emotionally abusive. Not sure where all of that is coming from. I do think it is a reflection of his inability to communicate, along with a desire not to have others aware of a dispute in your relationship.

No one is perfect. Lots of couples have communication issues. It doesn't seem like either of you have openly addressed how you can both learn to communicate better with each other. I think you need to do that because the communication pattern that you have now is not working.

ETA: Ok, just saw your update and see that you do not think he is open to talking about the argument yet. That would be very difficult for me to deal with. As far as the June Cleaver behavior, that would not sit well with me either. It seems almost like you are rewarding him for his bad behavior.

 

[NuggetBrain]

Date: 6/18/2009 10:56:07 AM
Author: ams0124


Ok...another question: After you butter him up (sort of speak) and you apologize for whatever it was that you most likely didn't do wrong....does he every apologize for what he did? Or is all blame on you all the time?

Not really - the problem is, if he doesn't understand why I'm upset he doesn't think he has anything to apologize for. For example, if I get upset because he says I'm acting crazy, he doesn't understand WHY I'm upset, so in his mind he's done nothing wrong because I'm not making sense. If that makes sense. If he does something he thinks is wrong, he will apologize. But he won't apologize just because he said something that upset me if he thinks I shouldn't have gotten upset about it in the first place.

 

[NuggetBrain]

Date: 6/18/2009 10:57:42 AM
Author: Loves Vintage

Wait, what? Where did she say that?

Nugget - As far as the trying to talk, have you considered talking about the issue, but not apologizing if you feel that you have nothing to apologize for. The conversation that you cited has nothing to do with the argument itself. I would openly address the argument, acknowledge with him that you need to talk about it. I think you are hesitant to address the issue because you feel like you are apologizing by breaking the silence. So, don't apologize and don't be June Cleaver-ish. Just talk about what happened and how you can both avoid such scenarios in the future.

And, as far as this weekend. If he is not talking to you, I would skip the time with his friends and his parents too. I would absolutely refuse to put up appearances for anyone. That is BS. He can man up, have a conversation with you and resolve this issue. Once everything is back to normal, then I would go along. If he wants to continue to play games and wait-it-out or doing whatever he is doing, then he can go alone.

For the record, I don't think putting up appearances like you've suggested in even remotely emotionally abusive. Not sure where all of that is coming from. I do think it is a reflection of his inability to communicate, along with a desire not to have others aware of a dispute in your relationship.

No one is perfect. Lots of couples have communication issues. It doesn't seem like either of you have openly addressed how you can both learn to communicate better with each other. I think you need to do that because the communication pattern that you have now is not working.

I can't have a talk about the issue when he's in this kind of mood, because it will just lead to another fight or me getting stonewalled. That's the problem. I have to put him in a better mood before I can even bring up the topic or it will be just as bad as if I tried to bring it up right after the initial fight.

 

[meresal]

Date: 6/18/2009 10:57:42 AM
Author: Loves Vintage

Date: 6/18/2009 10:39:24 AM
Author: meresal

Date: 6/18/2009 10:31:00 AM
Author: NuggetBrain

Date: 6/18/2009 10:25:51 AM
Author: meresal

Wow. That was the 3rd night on the couch. I'm sorry he is still acting this way. I have a question? Does this 'punishment period' get longer everytime something like this happens?

I'm actually not sure - usually I give in within a day or two and act all June Cleaver until things are back to normal. I've never just let him make the first move before so I don't know how long he can stay this way. This weekend we're supposed to go to his parents' for dinner on Sunday and out on the lake with friends on Saturday, and he's very aware of appearances so I'd be surprised if he didn't at least act like everything was fine when people were looking.

First thing, for the record since you haven't been in other relationships, THAT is mentally/emotionally abusive behavior. Being nice to you so that everything looks fine on the outside, but then the minute you are alone again he goes back to being mad. That isn't fare to you.

As far as him sleeping on the couch for three nights and still not talking to you after you have approached him, what baffles me, is why he is so mad? He's even gone to the point of showing his posessiveness of his family members. Not good. It's almost like he's trying to prove his dominance in the relationship by waiting for you to apologize and beg him to be nice again, and this is all because of something that shouldn't even matter anymore. He's just punishing you.

Did you say anything personal that might have upset him after you got upset about your grandfather? Just trying to see if there is any justifiable reason he would continue acting like this, just because you haven't apologized. Even if this were the case, it's still not good that he wouldn't tell you why he's upset.

Wait, what? Where did she say that?

She said that they always split gifts, and when she said she would give him her half for the Father's Day present, he said "No." When she asked why, he said, "It's my Dad."
Maybe I just read too much into it... but I don't think so. Especially if they have always split gifts before. It's an immature way for him to jab her again, IMO.
LV, you may not agree with me about the mentally abusive behavior, but we will have to agree to disagree, because anyone that pretends to be happy with me so that it looks good to others, and then continues to be mean away from the spotlight, is messing with my mind.

Nugget: Do you think that going this weekend will make him happier, or do you think if you don't apologize, he will just come home and sleep on the couch again? It's a cycle that will only end if you and him can sit down and have a structured convo about preventing this in the future.

Have you seen the thread about relationship arguement boundaires in Hangout? I think it would be very beneficial for you all. You should sit him down and apologize for letting the fight get out of hand in public, since you know he doesn't like that. But you should also tell him how much he hurt your feelings, and you believe that you deserve an apology too. Then talk about how to prevent... like no public arguement, and no personal comments about family members. If it is more comfortable for you to wait till he lightens up then fine, but this is something I would want to talk about immediately after, before another fight could happen.
https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/do-you-have-any-rules-for-fighting-with-so.118020/

 

[Porridge]

Wow...it is not your job to put him in a good mood so that you might have an adult conversation. Its his! I mean, I assume he''s over 12??? And you absolutely do not have to play happy families this weekend if you are not comfortable. I don''t care what was said in that silly fight, his behaviour here has to change.

 

[Loves Vintage]

Date: 6/18/2009 11:01:45 AM
Author: NuggetBrain

Date: 6/18/2009 10:57:42 AM
Author: Loves Vintage

Wait, what? Where did she say that?

Nugget - As far as the trying to talk, have you considered talking about the issue, but not apologizing if you feel that you have nothing to apologize for. The conversation that you cited has nothing to do with the argument itself. I would openly address the argument, acknowledge with him that you need to talk about it. I think you are hesitant to address the issue because you feel like you are apologizing by breaking the silence. So, don't apologize and don't be June Cleaver-ish. Just talk about what happened and how you can both avoid such scenarios in the future.

And, as far as this weekend. If he is not talking to you, I would skip the time with his friends and his parents too. I would absolutely refuse to put up appearances for anyone. That is BS. He can man up, have a conversation with you and resolve this issue. Once everything is back to normal, then I would go along. If he wants to continue to play games and wait-it-out or doing whatever he is doing, then he can go alone.

For the record, I don't think putting up appearances like you've suggested in even remotely emotionally abusive. Not sure where all of that is coming from. I do think it is a reflection of his inability to communicate, along with a desire not to have others aware of a dispute in your relationship.

No one is perfect. Lots of couples have communication issues. It doesn't seem like either of you have openly addressed how you can both learn to communicate better with each other. I think you need to do that because the communication pattern that you have now is not working.

I can't have a talk about the issue when he's in this kind of mood, because it will just lead to another fight or me getting stonewalled. That's the problem. I have to put him in a better mood before I can even bring up the topic or it will be just as bad as if I tried to bring it up right after the initial fight.

Sorry, I was typing while you posted that you feel you cannot have that conversation with him. Do you then usually drop the topic of the argument all together after his mood subsides? What about suggesting dinner out tonight so that you can get together on more neutral ground and either have a talk about it then or wait until a time better for him (but this whole thing really does need to be addressed in the future)? Also, the dinner out suggestion is intended to move this away from June Cleaver-type niceness, which seems like rewarding him for his poor behavior.

 

[Erin]

He sounds like my Ex. He could be exhausing. Never admitted to being wrong about anything. Could argue his way out of a paper bag.
That just doesn''t fit my personality.

Now that I don''t have to put up with that kind of behavior anymore, my inclination is to tell you to tell him to quit acting like a baby followed by an equal silent treatment. It''s not your job to fix him and it''s not fair that you have to endure his temper tantrum.
I''m telling you, it gets old.