Opinions on this please? Do kids hurt a marriage?

[fatafelice]

Date: 4/10/2009 12:39:23 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 4/10/2009 12:27:01 PM
Author: fatafelice
This is very timely for me, as I have been really debating the kids/no kids idea lately. I actually even said to DH the other day, ''What if we never had kids?'', even though we have both always planned on doing so. I am really torn, because I feel like I want to be a mother - feel a baby growing inside me, feed, bathe, teach, etc. - but I am also afraid that I will grow to resent the restrictions that it places on my life. And I worry about how having children will affect our relationship. I think it is because my parents divorced when I was one and my sister was four. They had been married for 10 years, and sometimes I wonder if the stress of having children is what drove them apart. I also saw the stress that having a baby put on my dad and step-mom, and the toll it has taken on my best friend and her husband, who had such an amazing relationship before they had kids.

It is heartening to hear from those of you for whom this was not the case. I have to wonder as well, however, if the number of kids makes a difference? It seems like adjusting to one would be a lot easier than several.

It''s a tough decision for sure fatafelice. A lot of moms say they could not remember their life before their kid. Well I CERTAINLY can.

I can remember delcious mornings where I could lay in bed until the grogginess wore off. I can remember running and doing errands and having it be FUN. I can remember planning trips and going out to meet the girls on a whim. And oh yeah, I remember being energetic enough to want sex a lot. Life was MUCH more stress free.

It was a nice life. And I think if I didn''t have her, it STILL would be a nice life.

Now, of course, there is that question of whether I would prefer or go back to that life? No, I wouldn''t because of course my daughter brings me all sorts of joy. But I really think if I didn''t know what it was like to have a kid, I would really have had a great life. From a comfort and relaxing viewpoint, it is the EASIER life, and one could claim possibly better.

You know something funny? I still don''t see myself as a mom. I see think somehow I went to ''rent-a-kid'' and got her. It hasn''t hit me even yet that I have to raise her for a long long time. And sometimes when I think about it, it feels overwhelming. I sweat the big stuff. I worry already about her future friends, whether she''ll finish school and be able to support herself. I think all parents do this to some degree, but for me to be having nightmares about it now? I''ll fully admit that sometimes I wonder why I signed up for this. Mentally sometimes it''s a crazy burden to bear. I hate the thought that some day she is going to have to bury me and I''m petrified of the possiblity that I could bury her first.

Morbid, right?

My point is that yes, it''s stressful, but most people just manage to get through day to day, and in that day there are so many little joys that light up your world. She has the power to ruin my day too, but hey, that goes with the territory .

I figure at some point that I''ll be shocked to realize that I somehow raised a capable woman. That''s what I am hoping anyway.

Thank you, TGaL! It really helps to hear what true parenting feels like. And I think you have a great attitude about the whole experience.

 

[tlh]

219 people studied. We have more people on PS than that. Hardly a slice of any sort of demograhic to accurately study. With numbers like that, data can be scewed anyway they liked.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 4/10/2009 12:45:30 PM
Author: Bia
Tgal, and/or other moms: do you think you can coach your baby to sleep through the night? I mean, in between feedings? My FSIL is delirious, she''s so tired. Her son is now 11months and he fights sleep. He is a great andhappy baby but he doesn''tsleep well. She has resorted to (against her mother''s advice) sleeping with the baby in her bedbecause that''s the only way he''ll go down. I know they don''t like to let thebaby cry. She said next week she''s going to try to get him to sleep in his crib. Since she''s planning to start trying again next month, I wonder if she can do something different the second time around.

*computer keyboard is sticking, please don''t mind the typos

Bia, since I''m not a sleep expert, I really don''t have much to say to help your FSIL. Especially for an 11 month old whose past history I don''t really know. If they don''t want to let the baby cry, I have even less advice, since CIO is what I would attempt.

I''ve said this on the mommy thread before, but from the get-go, decide what your sleep style is going to be. If you DON''T want to co-sleep, try not to go that route and you won''t have the hard habit to break. It can be done, but some people don''t have the stamina to deal with it. Snlee just transitioned her 6 month old son to his crib and it took a few nights, with night 2 and 3 being horrible. Most people couldn''t deal with 20 minutes of screaming, much less a full two nights. But that''s the key with CIO, you have to stick it out and every minute feels like 10. You just gotta believe you''re not harming your baby, and that''s a hot topic among moms.

I think being flexible and also being quick to action is key. Dreamer wanted to co-sleep. She found out that babies can be loud. I was really impressed that for all her beliefs that co-sleeping was the way to go, when it came down to it, she did what was best for her family (her baby was moved to the crib after a month). Some don''t think co-sleeping is for them, but find they LOVE it. If that''s the case, go that route as well.

Personally, I am not a fan of co-sleeping. As I said, sleep deprivation is a big issue in the first year and co-sleeping can contribute to that, even if the baby sleeps better in your bed, that simply means the baby sleeps better, you may possibly not.

Also, with your FSILs second one, I imagine the juggling act will be harder. I guess when it comes to sleep, there are sacrifices to be made - scheduling your own life around the sleep time of the baby, etc. For some, even this is difficult to do, and it becomes harder when you have another chlid who has needs too.

Hm, not sure if that was helpful at all. Basically, whatever she chooses to do, she has to have ammo in the arsenal (so tell her to read up on sleep training). And like any sleep training, it is WORK. It doesn''t happen on its own when it comes to training the babies early, IMHO. I say survival comes first for the first few weeks followed by small steps to get the baby trained. This usually means giving the baby a way to self sooth (swaddle, paci, white noise, whatever), and establishing what the baby''s awakeful period really is. Unfortunately, in those first few weeks when a mom is so tired, it''s often hard to try things to get the baby down. Too easy to just hold the baby to get her to sleep because all you want is some sleep yourself.

 

[Bia]

Thanks Tgal. I wonder about this with my own future babies because I need my zzzzzs. I don''t know how I''ll when the time comes but I can see myself letting them cry it out if it means keeping my sanity. We shall see I guess.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 4/10/2009 2:33:05 PM
Author: Bia
Thanks Tgal. I wonder about this with my own future babies because I need my zzzzzs. I don''t know how I''ll when the time comes but I can see myself letting them cry it out if it means keeping my sanity. We shall see I guess.

Yeah, it''s a learning curve, and you''ll manage when you cross that bridge. But everyone is right when they say it''s tough hearing your baby cry.

 

[trillionaire]

I can''t imagine having a kid. SO and I have VERY different views on parenting. It''s funny, I said that we''d have to read LOTS of parenting books, and he says ''why can''t we just find a therapist to tell us what to do''. Hehe, I thought it was funny, with a guy volunteering for therapy and all. He agreed to 2 books, and I to therapy for hypothetical kids. Neither us want any now, and I do feel like I would resent the huge life change, though I can see how being older (31+) might make me feel less that way. I have a dog that I take care of on my own, and I can''t act like I don''t dread having to get up and walk her and take her out and take her to the dog park and the vet and all the things that come with a dog. And I love her to death and wouldn''t give her up. So yeah, pretty sure I don''t need any kids. however, I am TERRIFIED of this biological clock that everyone keeps talking about. I feel like I have made a decision, and that at some point in the future, my body is basically going to conspire against me?!?

NOT COOL! But if biology makes me nuts, then we will adopt. We''ll see. It seems like the reasoning behind kids is so emotional, but the rational part of me says that they don''t make sense to me from pretty much any perspective, especially financial!

SO only wants a kid so that there will be a boy in his family to carry the family name. I think that is so funny! Kinda cute. Kinda. Not enough to make me want a kid though.

 

[movie zombie]

Date: 4/9/2009 7:59:48 PM
Author: AGBF




Just a couple of days ago while my daughter and I were watching a DVD with him, my father (age 88 and very wise) commented that marital problems always start after a couple has children. Naturally that is an oversimplification, but he would swear that it is true in the majority of cases!

AGBF

i think any slight dent and/or crack in the relationship just enlarges and goes to pieces after children. its easy to say one has a great marriage/relationship; however, those little things that one could let go by no longer are ignorable. any differences just get magnified.

mz

 

[partgypsy]

First point I think it really depends when they are asking this: are they asking young sleep deprived parents the first few years of the kids life, or parents whose kids are all grown up and so are now sitting in their rocking chairs playing with their grandkids? Got to take the long term view.

Can write a book about this... With our first I had a great pregnancy and she was a great baby (except for the first few months where her sleep schedule was flipped) but- my boss at the time was was very anti children and anti breast feeding and after much harrassment and discrimination ended up firing me, so essentially had to walk away from a career I invested alot of time and energy into. It was so bad in retrospect I think I had PTSD from it for awhile.

My second child was a little smoother on the job front (thought I did change job positions at that time) but was a much more difficult baby, with multiple ear infections and not sleeping through the night, very physical but not wanting to communicate verbally etc. I am sensitive to sleep deprivation and it was literally hellish for me for a couple years.

What can I say, for me life is very simple terms has been harder for me after having children. Less time, less money and more worry. But at the same time I feel that perhaps I was on a certain developmental stage that I was stuck on before having children that having them not only has brought fulfillment, but has made me a matured, a more fully developed person in a way that I don''t think I could have gotten to on my own. It is the satisfaction that despite hardships I have my family and the value of that to me, and not only can I survive, but at the same time take care of and support others. Maybe this is easier for some women, but in general I am a kind of selfish person. (I still am, just that I have an unselfish aspect now too : ) The only thing I regret from the experience that I used to be a very carefree person, and I don''t think I will ever feel that naive, carefree feeling as I used to, but you can''t have everything.

 

[zhuzhu]

I don''t know if having kids will hurt marriage or not, but I do know people who are willing to sacrifice quality of their marriage for the sake of their children. A couple from China came to US with their two little ones for a few years, then the husband had to go back but the wife had the option to stay. They decided that mother staying here with her 2 kids while husband working far away in another country was the best option for the sake of children''s education.

Because of this, the wife and children do not see the hubby/father but once every 2 months at most. It is the choice they made as a family. However I would definitely call it a sacrifice in the quality of their marriage.

 

[partgypsy]

And as far as marital relationships yes the first couple years are very tough, but it gets better. I feel very lucky who I have as a mate in this way. And I do believe if you can survive child rearing the first couple years it can actually deepen, make your relationship have a whole other dimension which is pretty amazing. Just got to survive those first couple years, and as Tgal pointed out try to reserve time away from kids both alone time and with each other, so one can appreciate your kids and mate all over again!

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 4/10/2009 4:08:32 PM
Author: part gypsy
First point I think it really depends when they are asking this: are they asking young sleep deprived parents the first few years of the kids life, or parents whose kids are all grown up and so are now sitting in their rocking chairs playing with their grandkids? Got to take the long term view.

Can write a book about this... With our first I had a great pregnancy and she was a great baby (except for the first few months where her sleep schedule was flipped) but- my boss at the time was was very anti children and anti breast feeding and after much harrassment and discrimination ended up firing me, so essentially had to walk away from a career I invested alot of time and energy into. It was so bad in retrospect I think I had PTSD from it for awhile.

My second child was a little smoother on the job front (thought I did change job positions at that time) but was a much more difficult baby, with multiple ear infections and not sleeping through the night, very physical but not wanting to communicate verbally etc. I am sensitive to sleep deprivation and it was literally hellish for me for a couple years.

What can I say, for me life is very simple terms has been harder for me after having children. Less time, less money and more worry. But at the same time I feel that perhaps I was on a certain developmental stage that I was stuck on before having children that having them not only has brought fulfillment, but has made me a matured, a more fully developed person in a way that I don''t think I could have gotten to on my own. It is the satisfaction that despite hardships I have my family and the value of that to me, and not only can I survive, but at the same time take care of and support others. Maybe this is easier for some women, but in general I am a kind of selfish person. (I still am, just that I have an unselfish aspect now too : ) The only thing I regret from the experience that I used to be a very carefree person, and I don''t think I will ever feel that naive, carefree feeling as I used to, but you can''t have everything.

I think that''s so true. I''ve aged more in the last year than I have my entire life. Mentally I''m in a different place. Physically I can totally feel my body took a beating and aged. I just feel...older. And when you have kids, you count your age in their years. "She''s 1, so I''m a year older. When she''s 5, I''ll be 40." Most of us know how fast 5 years can fly, so it''s freaky to think growing old has accelerated in my mind.

I consider all this part of the road that leads to becoming the deity known as "mom", the most revered and loved person in all of mankind.

 

[kennedy]

Date: 4/10/2009 12:49:56 PM
Author: purrfectpear

Date: 4/10/2009 8:48:00 AM

Author: redrose229

Wow! Thanks for all the replies! My husband is quite a bit older than me (about 10 1/2 years) and we are ready to start a family. Like the OP he is the bread winner in the family, he makes enough that I can be a STHM for as long as I wish. I''m getting my elementary education degree and want to teach pre-K or kindergarden...perhaps 1st grade. So I really do love kids.

Its just when you see something like the article I posted it makes you wonder who they are interviewing.


Thanks TGAL for your advice! I should have my hubby read that! He thinks that I''m goign to be the one waking up all hours of the night because he has to get up early. Perhaps we can do something where I do it during the week and he does it on the weekends.



And I agree...he WILL know the babies routine, and how to change a diaper.


Oh, another question...how old is the average age to be potty trained. My neighbors daughter is over 3 and still in potty training pants and wets them ALL THE TIME. They baby her and so she doesnt really try. I thought 2 was the age you had it done?

Isn''t this the FI that works a ton of overtime so that you can stay at home? I don''t think anyone working 60 hours a week should have to get up to take care of a baby too

When you both work outside of the home, you split the child rearing duties. When one of you stays home as primary caretaker, that IS your job...taking care of the kids IMO.

Taking care of a baby is a 24/7 job. That''s 168 hours a week. Stay-at-home-moms need and deserve a break just like anyone else. I absolutely expect my husband to help out at home after work. I''ve had just as long and grueling a day as he has and our daughter is just as much his as she is mine. If my husband didn''t think parenting was a shared responsibility, my marriage would be a very unhappy one!

 

[LaraOnline]

Date: 4/10/2009 12:45:30 PM
Author: Bia
Tgal, and/or other moms: do you think you can coach your baby to sleep through the night? I mean, in between feedings? My FSIL is delirious, she's so tired. Her son is now 11months and he fights sleep. He is a great andhappy baby but he doesn'tsleep well. She has resorted to (against her mother's advice) sleeping with the baby in her bedbecause that's the only way he'll go down. I know they don't like to let thebaby cry. She said next week she's going to try to get him to sleep in his crib. Since she's planning to start trying again next month, I wonder if she can do something different the second time around.

*computer keyboard is sticking, please don't mind the typos

I think that if you are at the stage where you do need sleep, it is good to consider letting the baby self-settle... give the child, say, twenty minutes of crying time... my little boy, being the second, got to self-settle a LOT more often than my first child

- exhaustion kicks in - and I have to admit, he was sleeping through the night a lot more quickly, and going to sleep a lot more easily, than my first child, who I co-slept with.

Perhaps I should read TGals book, for this new baby coming up...

I DO have to say though, that my breast milk dried up after three months with the boy, and I'm sure it was strongly linked to the lack of co-sleeping. With my first girl, who I successfully breastfed until over a year

(being keen to follow health nurse advice), she co-slept and suckled all night through. I think that made a REALLY big difference to my milk supply! And of course, being the first child there was a lot more opportunity for extended feeding times during the day as well. She was also a more aggressive feeder, which would have helped her cause.

But little T. was on the bottle fulltime by three months ( and ended up going to the doctors lots for sniffles and temps as well. My girl didn't get a single illness, not a temp., until she'd stopped breast feeding.) So that's something else to think about if, like me, you have to work a little at keeping your milk supply strong...

 

[Dancing Fire]

i''m glad we had our 2 daughters before we turned 30.

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 4/10/2009 10:30:50 PM
Author: Dancing Fire
i'm glad we had our 2 daughters before we turned 30.

I'm glad the kid option is off the table until my 30's.

 

[Ellen]

Date: 4/10/2009 12:45:30 PM
Author: Bia
Tgal, and/or other moms: do you think you can coach your baby to sleep through the night? I mean, in between feedings? My FSIL is delirious, she''s so tired. Her son is now 11months and he fights sleep. He is a great andhappy baby but he doesn''tsleep well. She has resorted to (against her mother''s advice) sleeping with the baby in her bedbecause that''s the only way he''ll go down. I know they don''t like to let thebaby cry. She said next week she''s going to try to get him to sleep in his crib. Since she''s planning to start trying again next month, I wonder if she can do something different the second time around.

*computer keyboard is sticking, please don''t mind the typos

He still has night feedings at 11 months?

 

[Regular Guy]

Just touching in for a second to say that the last paragraph of the original article needs to come to light, and be reflected on, to wit:

""There are different types of happiness in life and that while some luster may be off marital happiness for at least a time during this period of life, there is a whole dimension of family happiness and contentment based on the family that couples are building," he said. "This type of happiness can be powerful and positive but it has not been the focus of research." "

My boys are 10 & 13. Have there been consequences to my relationship with my wife? Absolutely. Would I use Monday morning quarterbacking to have not had our boys? Not a chance. Also, further, my life with my wife has been substantially enriched as a result of our having the family we do.

On the overall, this one''s pretty well a no brainer, but there are certainly individual differences.

 

[vintagelover229]

I spoke with my hubby about it and he clairifed what he meant. He said he will def. play an active role in the baby and parenting front and says he''ll help out. He says I can sleep on the weekends, etc.

I guess we''ll talk more about it when there is a baby on the way. We''re going to start trying in June

 

[NeverEndingUpgrade]

Date: 4/10/2009 8:48:00 AM
Author: redrose229
Wow! Thanks for all the replies! My husband is quite a bit older than me (about 10 1/2 years) and we are ready to start a family. Like the OP he is the bread winner in the family, he makes enough that I can be a STHM for as long as I wish. I''m getting my elementary education degree and want to teach pre-K or kindergarden...perhaps 1st grade. So I really do love kids.
Its just when you see something like the article I posted it makes you wonder who they are interviewing.

Thanks TGAL for your advice! I should have my hubby read that! He thinks that I''m goign to be the one waking up all hours of the night because he has to get up early. Perhaps we can do something where I do it during the week and he does it on the weekends.

And I agree...he WILL know the babies routine, and how to change a diaper.

Oh, another question...how old is the average age to be potty trained. My neighbors daughter is over 3 and still in potty training pants and wets them ALL THE TIME. They baby her and so she doesnt really try. I thought 2 was the age you had it done?

As another poster said, children put more stress on a marriage but they don''t hurt it. For that matter, anything can put stress on a marriage and anything can hurt it, especially if it is not strong to begin with. The key for my husband and me was being married for 5 years before having our son. I think that time of getting to know one another was critical for the health of our marriage before kids.

Stephanie, the career you have chosen of education is great for raising kids because you are off when they are off. No childcare worries during the summer or school breaks.

In regards to potty training, age 2 is definitely not a cut-off! Many kids aren''t trained until age 3.5, especially boys. Potty-training is a process, not something that happens overnight. I am a 2-years-olds teacher and most of my kids will be 3 this summer, and out of a class of 15, only 4 or 5 are potty training. I say "training" because none of them have it down 100% yet. Keep in mind that 3 years old is still very young. Also keep in mind that they all train eventually. Unfortunately, it can be a great area of stress for parents. Many moms like to brag about how their kids trained at age 2 but believe me, you don''t get a tiara just because your kid trained first in the play group!

 

[vintagelover229]

Date: 4/10/2009 12:49:56 PM
Author: purrfectpear

Date: 4/10/2009 8:48:00 AM
Author: redrose229
Wow! Thanks for all the replies! My husband is quite a bit older than me (about 10 1/2 years) and we are ready to start a family. Like the OP he is the bread winner in the family, he makes enough that I can be a STHM for as long as I wish. I''m getting my elementary education degree and want to teach pre-K or kindergarden...perhaps 1st grade. So I really do love kids.
Its just when you see something like the article I posted it makes you wonder who they are interviewing.

Thanks TGAL for your advice! I should have my hubby read that! He thinks that I''m goign to be the one waking up all hours of the night because he has to get up early. Perhaps we can do something where I do it during the week and he does it on the weekends.

And I agree...he WILL know the babies routine, and how to change a diaper.

Oh, another question...how old is the average age to be potty trained. My neighbors daughter is over 3 and still in potty training pants and wets them ALL THE TIME. They baby her and so she doesnt really try. I thought 2 was the age you had it done?

Isn''t this the FI that works a ton of overtime so that you can stay at home? I don''t think anyone working 60 hours a week should have to get up to take care of a baby too

When you both work outside of the home, you split the child rearing duties. When one of you stays home as primary caretaker, that IS your job...taking care of the kids IMO.

Perrfectpear: I think you may have me mixed up with someone else

I go to school full time and work part time right now...my husband doesnt work any overtime. He''s home by 6pm everyday and has every other friday off and is off on the weekends. He makes enough money that I dont need to work if I didnt want to, and that i can be a SAHM and not have to worry about being not being able to pay bills.

And IMO a child is a full time job, actually MORE than a full time job. At least if you have a full time job, its only 40+ hours a week...a child is 24/7. So even if he did work overtime, I would hope he would help out as much as he can. I''m not saying that it wouldnt be mostly the SAHM responsibility, but I dont think its fair to put it all on one person just because the other one is the breadwinner.

 

[AGBF]

Date: 4/11/2009 1:18:03 PM
Author: redrose229

I spoke with my hubby about it and he clairifed what he meant. He said he will def. play an active role in the baby and parenting front and says he'll help out. He says I can sleep on the weekends, etc.

I guess we'll talk more about it when there is a baby on the way. We're going to start trying in June

As long as you accept it that he may not be all that you want when the time comes, go ahead and try. Just be clear that you are making the decision to go forward knowing that he has not committed himself to doing everything that you may want! (I am a vey sympathetic spirit. I tried to post to this thread earlier, but had technical difficulties. I had wanted to respond to Ira's posting above. I knew I had to be a mother!)

AGBF

 

[AGBF]

Date: 4/11/2009 4:12:45 PM
Author: NeverEndingUpgrade
As another poster said, children put more stress on a marriage but they don''t hurt it.

Now I don''t know how anyone could make the blanket statement that, "children don''t hurt a marriage". There are undoubtedly many, many, many times when they do! That does not mean that most people who choose to have them would ever make another choice, of course, but that is an entirely different matter!!!

AGBF

 

[NeverEndingUpgrade]

Date: 4/11/2009 6:53:32 PM
Author: AGBF

Date: 4/11/2009 4:12:45 PM
Author: NeverEndingUpgrade
As another poster said, children put more stress on a marriage but they don't hurt it.

Now I don't know how anyone could make the blanket statement that, 'children don't hurt a marriage'. There are undoubtedly many, many, many times when they do! That does not mean that most people who choose to have them would ever make another choice, of course, but that is an entirely different matter!!!

AGBF

AGBF, since this is an opinion forum, I stand behind my opinion that children don't hurt a marriage, but that they can create more stressors on a marriage that bring to light pre-existing problems. I think that if you asked people what broke up their marriages, they won't say, "Well it was the children." More often than not, it was relationship issues, underlying/latent/unresolved or not, that caused it.

 

[LaraOnline]

Date: 4/11/2009 6:53:32 PM
Author: AGBF

Date: 4/11/2009 4:12:45 PM

Author: NeverEndingUpgrade

As another poster said, children put more stress on a marriage but they don''t hurt it.

Now I don''t know how anyone could make the blanket statement that, ''children don''t hurt a marriage''. There are undoubtedly many, many, many times when they do! That does not mean that most people who choose to have them would ever make another choice, of course, but that is an entirely different matter!!!


AGBF

Very thoughtful posts here...
Children really force you to move on from the ''all about ME'' phase...and that can be hard, for everybody at different times, I think.

Also, the regularity and routine required by children can make for a dull *suburban* lifestyle, if you don''t embrace it!

 

[AGBF]

Date: 4/11/2009 6:59:49 PM
Author: NeverEndingUpgrade

Date: 4/11/2009 6:53:32 PM
Author: AGBF

Date: 4/11/2009 4:12:45 PM
Author: NeverEndingUpgrade
As another poster said, children put more stress on a marriage but they don't hurt it.

Now I don't know how anyone could make the blanket statement that, 'children don't hurt a marriage'. There are undoubtedly many, many, many times when they do! That does not mean that most people who choose to have them would ever make another choice, of course, but that is an entirely different matter!!!

AGBF

AGBF, since this is an opinion forum, I stand behind my opinion that children don't hurt a marriage, but that they can create more stressors on a marriage that bring to light pre-existing problems. I think that if you asked people what broke up their marriages, they won't say, 'Well it was the children.' More often than not, it was relationship issues, underlying/latent/unresolved or not, that caused it.

I will grant you that one can look at a relationship and ask, "Did it break apart because its internal weaknesses were not strong enough to withstand the external stresses it encountered?" or ask, "Did it break up because of those darn external forces!?".

Let me use a metaphor from current world events: the buildings in earthquake-prone L'Aquila, Italy. Did they fall because they were inherently unsound or because of the earthquake? There are going to be lawsuits about those structures now. All I know is that I am glad I was not in L'Aquila when the earthquake hit! I would not have wanted my structure put to the ultimate test...and I know that not all structures are put to that same test!

AGBF

 

[NeverEndingUpgrade]

I guess since I see children as a blessing, I have a hard time comparing them to an earthquake, which is not a blessing.

 

[trillionaire]

Does having kids hurt a marriage? Not necessarily.

Does not having kids hurt a marriage? Not necessarily.

The question is do you value children, a marriage, or a family more. Which ever you choose, you have to work and fight for, and none are ''easy''.

Personally, the life of a gypsy appeals to me the most. So, while children wouldn''t necessarily hurt my marriage, they would hurt my ability to live an un-rooted lifestyle, both domestically and abroad. And that would hurt me, which would hurt my marriage and/or my family. So, I choose no on kids. Family life seems to constraining to me, but I envy the lives of DINKs like my aunt and uncle!

 

[AGBF]

Date: 4/12/2009 3:44:08 PM
Author: NeverEndingUpgrade

I guess since I see children as a blessing, I have a hard time comparing them to an earthquake, which is not a blessing.

If you see children as a pure blessing, you are going to have trouble understanding this topic at all. I mean, if they were only a blessing, where would the stress come in, right? The birth of a new baby is one of the biggest stressors in a person's life. It's in the research.


AGBF

 

[DiamondFlame]

Kids don''t hurt marriage. It''s your perception and expectations that need some fine tuning. You can''t keep using old software when you have installed new hardware.

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 4/13/2009 12:08:22 AM
Author: DiamondFlame
Kids don''t hurt marriage. It''s your perception and expectations that need some fine tuning. You can''t keep using old software when you have installed new hardware.

Do you have kids?