Opinions on this please? Do kids hurt a marriage?

[AGBF]

Date: 4/13/2009 12:10:54 AM
Author: Kaleigh

Date: 4/13/2009 12:08:22 AM
Author: DiamondFlame

Kids don''t hurt marriage. It''s your perception and expectations that need some fine tuning. You can''t keep using old software when you have installed new hardware.

Do you have kids?

Thank you, Lisa, for stating the obvious. Another obvious point that has been overlooked is that fathers and mothers are affected differently by the birth of a child. "Dmitri" is probably a man. If he is a parent, he is probably not the mother. The mother usually bears a lot more of the day to day stress of child care although both partners in the marriage are affected by the child''s birth.

This is an extreme example and I am not trying to say that it is an example from a healthy relationship! I offer it as anecdotal only, but nonetheless as something which I think will ring true to many readers. My daughter has a friend, whom she met at her high school, who got pregnant at 16. She chose to have the baby and to leave her parents'' home and move in with the baby''s father. She was born in the United States, but speaks Spanish. Her boyfriend is 23, from a Latin American country, and speaks only Spanish. The friend''s parents very much opposed this move and sent her to another state to live with other family members, but it didn''t work out. She returned; left the family home; and moved in with he boyfriend at age 17. (The girl''s father is in law enforcement, by the way.)

Towards the end of the pregnancy, my daughter went to visit her friend and came home and told me that she had a bruised mouth. She had not been feeling well and had not made dinner, so her boyfriend had punched her in the face a couple of times and said she was lucky he didn''t do worse. She decided to forgive him because (supposedly) she wanted her baby to have a father. My daughter visited in the hospital after the baby''s birth and the baby-newborn-couldn''t sleep because the father insisted on having the television on loudly in the room. The baby was crying. The father wouldn''t leave. My daughter was appalled.

Now the baby is a month old and we got a phone call asking if the friend could come to stay with us for a few days. Her boyfriend had beaten her again. Before we could do anything she had reconciled with him.

My point? That pregnancy and a new baby can affect a woman and a man differently.

Am I arguing that a child caused this man to be violent? Heck no!!! He is clearly an abusive guy.

On the other hand, the stressors were not yet present in the relationship to make him abusive until he was denied the complete attention of his girlfriend. She is very nurturing. She used to spend all her time nurturing him. Now he has to share. Because he is a baby, not a grown-up and he cannot put a child''s needs (or anyone else''s) ahead of his own there is trouble. Children do that. They demand attention. They suck you dry. If you aren''t up to it or your relationship isn''t, it will feel negative impact from the entry of a child or children. Even if a child adds a lot, the child will also drain you.

AGBF

 

[princesss]

Date: 4/12/2009 6:16:47 PM
Author: trillionaire
Does having kids hurt a marriage? Not necessarily.


Does not having kids hurt a marriage? Not necessarily.


The question is do you value children, a marriage, or a family more. Which ever you choose, you have to work and fight for, and none are ''easy''.


Personally, the life of a gypsy appeals to me the most. So, while children wouldn''t necessarily hurt my marriage, they would hurt my ability to live an un-rooted lifestyle, both domestically and abroad. And that would hurt me, which would hurt my marriage and/or my family. So, I choose no on kids. Family life seems to constraining to me, but I envy the lives of DINKs like my aunt and uncle!

It''s funny, Trill. That''s exactly the kind of life I plan on leading, and the kind I grew up with. It definitely can make it harder, I''ll grant that..but not impossible. So if somehow kids happen....well, kids can be gypsy''s too!

Not sure where I stand on the kids thing....probably more pro-kid than anti-kid (though the life of a DINK sounds lovely) but it seems like if you don''t take care, they can really cause strain in the relationship. Heck, even if you do take care, they can cause a strain.

 

[LtlFirecracker]

T-Gal

Just a vent about this book since you brought it up, not directed at you, more at my BF and his sister because this is the "end all be all solution" and my BF now thinks that any baby can be trained to sleep at night, and I know that is not true. They talk about it all the time.

I think my BF"s sister used the same book as you, and I find it very interesting. She breast fed both her kids during the first 3 months and had them sleeping though the night by 8 weeks. They were both easy babies with good growth.

You are right about the age most doctor tell parents. I tell parents if there is no nutritional reason for feed them at night at 4 months of age (assuming normal growth). My only problem with what my BF''s sister is doing is that she assumes it can work for everyone, and it really can''t. Many parents have kids with medical problems, not major ones, but ones that can keep you up at night (such as viruses that get into the lungs and cause breathing problems). Things like that make it hard to get the child into a routine. Also, if a child is is barley keeping up with growth, I would not space feeds out at 8-12 weeks, I would probably wait until 4 months. I totally plan on reading this book when I have kids, and trying out the techniques, but I also don''t think parents should feel bad if they can''t do this. Sometimes I feel like she acts like anyone who can''t do this is just "giving in" to their kids. New parents have enough stress how it is.

Enough with my rant.

I think how kids affect a marriage depends on the kids and the parents. Was the pregnancy planned? Was the baby wanted? Many pregnancies are not planned. Also, if a kid has medical or behavioral problems, that can put a strain on a marriage. Did both partners want a family? I have already seen women get pregnant even tough their husbands were not ready. I think that a lot of communication needs to happen before, during, and after the pregnancy. Also, the couple needs to make time for each other. My parents never did anything without us. I started noticing a problem with this when I was 8 and they told me everything was fine. Three years later my mother was divorcing my Dad because they "grew apart" and no longer had common interests outside of us.