pissed at FI''s fb status!

[cleokizzy]

sorry girls but i just needed to vent. i''m already teary eyed, annoyed and really mad!

so i just checked my facebook and guess what... FI changed his status from "engaged" to "single" and then from "single" to "in a relationship". wtf?!? i asked him why did he have to change it and he said he doesn''t want those people in his friends list that are NOT invited to our wedding to know that we''re getting married!

i know he''s pretty popular but should it even matter to the people who found out about our engagement if their invited or not?!?!

i just feel so mad, sad, disappointed. i feel as if he''s hiding me and ashamed of our engagement! it just seems like he DOESNT want people to know that he''s getting married!!!

he''s telling me i''m childish. am I being childish?!?

sniff.sniff.sniff. gosh. i really am crying now.

 

[D2B]

No you are sooooo not being childish. It would annoy me to no end if my FI/BF was hiding his status from his friends, he is either with me and proud of it, or not - no hiding anything, why on earth - - if you are with me we dont play games like 2 year olds, otherwise there is something fishy going on.

if he wants to hide his full realtionship status, I would question his committment......

pb

 

[Mara]

you asked about being childish, so i say a resounding YES.

i don't know you and i just clicked on the thread because of the intriguing title visible from the PS homepage to read this post. normally i don't frequent this section of PS.

but it seems you are engaged, potentially newly (beautiful ring btw).
you're upset because your fiance changed his facebook status?
you think he is trying to hide you and your engagement?

how do you HIDE an engagement and an eventual wedding? seriously????

to me getting engaged to be married is a hugely serious step. again i don't know you and your relationship history, but i can't imagine EVER being upset at my fiance (now husband of 5 years) for wanting to spare people's feelings like that. what he said makes total sense to me given that i know the FB community and how easy it is for people to have like 200 friends, only 1/4 of which are actually 'friends', and unless you have some reason to suspect he is lying, why would you just assume nefarious and dastardly purposes behind what he did?? why would you assume he is lying to you and trying to hide you?

honestly, that mentality is not the right basis for a marriage. you have to have more trust than that!

 

[stepcutgirl]

Date: 8/6/2009 11:21:43 PM
Author: D2B
No you are sooooo not being childish. It would annoy me to no end if my FI/BF was hiding his status from his friends, he is either with me and proud of it, or not - no hiding anything, why on earth - - if you are with me we dont play games like 2 year olds, otherwise there is something fishy going on.


if he wants to hide his full realtionship status, I would question his committment......


pb

I can''t agree with this more.

 

[cindygenit]

Your FI is wrong. He''s getting married to you, and your feelings should come before any of his friends on facebook. Its not like people expect to be invited.

Obviously this means a lot to you and you should ask him to change his status because that''s the only thing that would make you happy again.

BTW, his reasoning doesn''t make sense whatsoever to me. He should be so excited to get married that he want to shout it out loud and tell EVERYONE!

>

Let us know how it pans out, k?

Cindyx

 

[kama_s]

I don''t think a facebook status makes much of a difference to a relationship. I wouldn''t care if my husband doesn''t have any of our relationship info up on his fb. He''s marrying you, and that accounts for much more than a status update on a networking site! Besides, not all people feel the need to shout out their wedding plans to the world. I didn''t really even tell my circle of university friends that I was engaged or the wedding date because I had zero intention of inviting them.

I''m wondering if there are other underlying issues that might be causing you to feel hurt/distrustful?

 

[ficklefaye]

i''m actually contemplating changing my facebook status to single as well, i''m getting kinda tired of all the wedding ads

most of my FI''s friends know he is engaged, so i''m sure many of them would post a comment wondering what happened if he changed his status

i don''t know you very well, so i can''t say whether your reaction is childish or not, but maybe FI is saving you the trouble of having to invite ''friends'' from facebook

 

[trillionaire]

I can''t speak to how your FI feels about FB, but I know that my FI takes our status very seriously. I changed our status once, as a joke, from ''in a relationship'' to nothing. He was NOT pleased, and made it very clear that he took it seriously and that he did not find it amusing to have to field questions about our relationship from our friends and acquaintances. So I''ve respected it, and your FI should respect how you feel as well. He doesn''t have to agree, but he needs to make you feel secure and validated.


My .02

 

[soontowed]

I am so not insecure about my relationship but this would bother me. It sounds like a legit reason though so I would give him the benefit of the doubt. I asked my friends not to post any pictures of my engagement party because I don''t want certain people to know they aren''t invited to the wedding.

You have a right to be mad if it hurt your feeling. But if this is all there is to it then just let it go. Tell him to not put any status. You can do that on FB right?

 

[Circe]

I don''t think you''re being childish, but I do think you''re giving it more weight than it deserves in and of itself: his logic sounds okay to me, at its core. But if he sees it upsets you and keeps it that way ... that''s a little weird, IMO.

For what it''s worth, I keep a lot of things private online: like, I haven''t announced my pregnancy on FB, just because I don''t know most of those people well enough to want to share such a delicate, if definitely joyous, time with them. I would be PISSED if my husband announced it on his without taking my feelings into account. Your FI may be more similar to me with my privacy concerns than to happy, open people like you and my husband ....

 

[Dannielle]

The only thing that I find weird is that he changed it from ''engaged'' back to ''single''. People obviously would of seen he was engaged so what was the point of changing it?

Plenty of people on my FB are engaged, yet I don''t assume I am invited to their wedding

 

[mimzy]

Date: 8/7/2009 3:20:18 AM
Author: Dannielle
The only thing that I find weird is that he changed it from ''engaged'' back to ''single''. People obviously would of seen he was engaged so what was the point of changing it?


Plenty of people on my FB are engaged, yet I don''t assume I am invited to their wedding

my thoughts exactly....? plus,it''s not like these people are NEVER going to find out that he''s getting married? i think his reasoning is pretty asinine. like, to the max.

 

[mrscushion]

I think your FI honestly thinks he has a good point, but he doesn''t -- people are going to find out anyway he''s getting married / got married. Word goes around -- and even within Facebook, people will post pics, write comments, etc. (Besides, if he really does want to change his FB appearance, he''d be better off doing so by changing his privacy settings and restricting what certain groups of his friends can see.)

I''m sorry he didn''t talk to you beforehand. He should have, so you could have talked him out of it, because it doesn''t make much sense.

 

[honey22]

He is being ridiculous and disrespectful to you. Sorry to even ask this, but do you really trust his intentions here? It sounds a bit wierd to me and his excuse sounds even wierder.

 

[Diva0413]

Date: 8/7/2009 4:30:20 AM
Author: mimzy

Date: 8/7/2009 3:20:18 AM
Author: Dannielle
The only thing that I find weird is that he changed it from ''engaged'' back to ''single''. People obviously would of seen he was engaged so what was the point of changing it?


Plenty of people on my FB are engaged, yet I don''t assume I am invited to their wedding

my thoughts exactly....? plus,it''s not like these people are NEVER going to find out that he''s getting married? i think his reasoning is pretty asinine. like, to the max.

Ditto to both comments. And people might see the status change and think he had a broken engagement.

 

[MsP]

Date: 8/7/2009 12:43:54 AM
Author: trillionaire
I can''t speak to how your FI feels about FB, but I know that my FI takes our status very seriously. I changed our status once, as a joke, from ''in a relationship'' to nothing. He was NOT pleased, and made it very clear that he took it seriously and that he did not find it amusing to have to field questions about our relationship from our friends and acquaintances. So I''ve respected it, and your FI should respect how you feel as well. He doesn''t have to agree, but he needs to make you feel secure and validated.


My .02

We are the exact opposite. My SO and I have no mention of one another on our pages. There are a *few* photos of us together that we''re both tagged so I guess you could infer things from there. We just use it as more of an online academic resume and way to keep contact with long lost friends. So it''s very professional. No listing of music favs, interests, fav quotes, et al.

Then again, we''re not listed as single and it certainly isn''t listed that we''re "looking for a realtionship".

 

[sba771]

Date: 8/7/2009 6:43:29 AM
Author: Diva0413

Date: 8/7/2009 4:30:20 AM

Author: mimzy

Date: 8/7/2009 3:20:18 AM

Author: Dannielle

The only thing that I find weird is that he changed it from ''engaged'' back to ''single''. People obviously would of seen he was engaged so what was the point of changing it?



Plenty of people on my FB are engaged, yet I don''t assume I am invited to their wedding

my thoughts exactly....? plus,it''s not like these people are NEVER going to find out that he''s getting married? i think his reasoning is pretty asinine. like, to the max.

Ditto to both comments. And people might see the status change and think he had a broken engagement.

THIS- this is exactly what I would think. It is a bit of a red flag to me that he cares more about his facebook friends'' feelings over yours. I mean really how often do you think he sees or communicates directly with over half those people. You are entirely right and I am really sorry he did that.

 

[Lilac]

Date: 8/7/2009 4:30:20 AM
Author: mimzy

Date: 8/7/2009 3:20:18 AM

Author: Dannielle

The only thing that I find weird is that he changed it from ''engaged'' back to ''single''. People obviously would of seen he was engaged so what was the point of changing it?

Plenty of people on my FB are engaged, yet I don''t assume I am invited to their wedding

my thoughts exactly....? plus,it''s not like these people are NEVER going to find out that he''s getting married? i think his reasoning is pretty asinine. like, to the max.

Ditto - to both comments.

 

[CNOS128]

I understand why you''d feel hurt by this - it does seem a odd. I''m sorry you''re so upset!

Whether or not you are acting childish is, I think, irrelevant -- your BF is the extraordinarily immature party in this scenario. Most adults I know don''t spend much time thinking about their relationship status on facebook.
And the fact that he believes himself to be so popular that he needs to attempt to conceal the fact that he''s getting married suggests that he is a tad egotistical. I highly doubt that most of his "facebook friends" will expect to be invited to his wedding. Has he told his "real life" friends that he''s engaged? Hiding a wedding from those you interact with on a daily basis seems like a better way to spare people''s feelings -- although still bizarre.

Not sure I believe his excuse, but if it bothers you to the point of tears then it''s a problem.

 

[ilovesparkles]

Date: 8/7/2009 12:55:50 AM
Author: Circe
I don''t think you''re being childish, but I do think you''re giving it more weight than it deserves in and of itself: his logic sounds okay to me, at its core. But if he sees it upsets you and keeps it that way ... that''s a little weird, IMO.


For what it''s worth, I keep a lot of things private online: like, I haven''t announced my pregnancy on FB, just because I don''t know most of those people well enough to want to share such a delicate, if definitely joyous, time with them. I would be PISSED if my husband announced it on his without taking my feelings into account. Your FI may be more similar to me with my privacy concerns than to happy, open people like you and my husband ....

Ditto! Also as others have said, people are going to see he changed from "being engaged" to "single" to "in a relationship" and wonder what the heck is going on! Now my FI and I are much like you, and if either one of us did this, there would be serious upheaval. IMO it''s a red flag of sorts because his reasoning is completely whack. I hope you two get this resolved!

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

Date: 8/7/2009 6:43:29 AM
Author: Diva0413

Date: 8/7/2009 4:30:20 AM
Author: mimzy

Date: 8/7/2009 3:20:18 AM
Author: Dannielle
The only thing that I find weird is that he changed it from ''engaged'' back to ''single''. People obviously would of seen he was engaged so what was the point of changing it?


Plenty of people on my FB are engaged, yet I don''t assume I am invited to their wedding

my thoughts exactly....? plus,it''s not like these people are NEVER going to find out that he''s getting married? i think his reasoning is pretty asinine. like, to the max.

Ditto to both comments. And people might see the status change and think he had a broken engagement.

I agree with these guys... and i kind of feel like he doesn''t want people knowing that he is actually engaged as opposed to his excuse of not wanting people on the friends list who aren''t invited to know... sorry he is making you feel this way, it really sucks!

My fiance updated his status to "Mr hawaiian is now engaged.. dammit!" I know that he was joking but it made me feel like crap for days, so i can only imagine how you must be feeling.

 

[Lauren8211]

I would not like it if I were you. Mostly because his reason sounds like BS. Secondly because I had an ex who liked to "appear" single on social networking sites. He''d leave relationship status blank, and his main photo would NEVER be of the two of us.

Well, he was cheating on me. A LOT.

Not saying your FI is, but in this situation he''s putting the feelings of distant friends above your feelings. I know when FI and I got engaged, he was *excited* to change our FB statuses! He couldn''t wait!

Now I know some people may say "OMFG, it''s FB, who CARES?!?!" but clearly it''s important to you, your feelings are hurt, and your FI should take that into consideration. Is there anything else going on? Sometimes when we''re feeling a bit insecure, little things like that really hurt us.

 

[princessplease]

Very well said, elle. I would be very upset, too.

 

[cocolaw]

why would he change it to single? i know a lot of people just don''t post their status....there is just no status. changing it to single is sketchy. if i were you, i would look to see if he has recently added any curious friends. is he very protective of his computer? does he also use myspace? i don''t like this. *hugs*

 

[mrscushion]

I think he probably changed it to single because he was playing around the drop-down menu and Facebook keeps track of every single step you take and records it on your profile. It''s really annoying how it does that.

That said, only you know whether you have real reason for suspicion.

 

[audball]

I''ll start with I''d be upset in your shoes if my FF changed his status to ''single'' for any reason whatsoever. Having said that, I can understand him wanting to keep the status more hush hush as to not have a zillion acquaintances from FB inviting themselves to your wedding. I hope to have less than 20ish people at my wedding (someday...) and keeping it quiet is the easiest way to accomplish this. Having said that, instead of changing his status to single, he should have just removed his status from his profile period. And told you about it first. The people you know and love dearly will know you are engaged to be married. But I''d be upset about it had he not discussed it with me first, seems fishy....hopefully he just had good intentions. Keep us posted!

 

[UCLABelle]

I normally agree with Mara, but what I do NOT understand is why, if he was trying to "spare" feelings, he simply didn''t leave it alone (he obviously didn''t think of your feelings) or if anything, change it to "in a relationship". Or not even list relationship status (which one could do)...where does "single" come to play (ever!)...

I would be a little peeved.

 

[decodelighted]

I don''t buy his answer because he''s actually drawn MORE attention to it by CHANGING the status. It''ll show up in people''s feeds or "other stuff" areas TWICE now, in addition to whenever he put "Engaged". It really could look like you broke up or called off the engagement.

Is he having mixed feelings about the engagement? It can be normal to have mixed feelings. It happens to gals too --- YAY we''re getting married! Wait, I''m losing my freedom, things will be different. You can want something & not want something at the same time. Period of adjustment.

Does worry me though that he''s more concerned with what random non-invited status friends think that what YOU FEEL. Perhaps you can explain that further & maybe he''ll "get it".

 

[Miscka]

Honestly? That would not be ok with me either.

a) I have had experiences with exes being shady on the internet, so I am sensitive to it.

and

b) does that not, in turn, affect YOUR status?

Your wording/approach sounds a LEETLE childish, but I think the issue is legit. Besides, doesnt matter if it is or not, it bothers *YOU* so he should respect that.

 

[Mara]

mscushion
I think he probably changed it to single because he was playing around the drop-down menu and Facebook keeps track of every single step you take and records it on your profile. It's really annoying how it does that.

_____

This is exactly what I thought too. I know other people who have been 'dinged' by FB on relationship statuses AND were *appalled* when it turned out that it was on the feed to their friends. Not everyone knows how to use the nuances of FB.

My point in the original post was WHY are you so distrustful? Again I don't know history but does he lie a lot? Does he have a history of not wanting to get engaged? Of playing around?

If not, then why would you be so upset? I don't understand it and again I would not care if that happened to me (BUT on the other hand as my hub pointed out last nite, he isn't even on FB and hates that stuff so he would never even do something like that).

However, I just don't get why someone who was engaged would be so quick to expect that their fiance would be doing them wrong. Maybe because I can't imagine pledging to share your life with someone and being so distrusting (even though I know people do lie). Yet, to put so much emphasis on a FB status to me is just not indicative of real life.

I also don't agree with the gal who said 'he knows that the only thing to do is change it back because that is all that will make you happy'...marriage is just not about blindly making the other person happy if you have your own rationales. Compromise is key.