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pissed at FI''s fb status!

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Date: 8/7/2009 9:59:16 AM
Author: decodelighted
I don''t buy his answer because he''s actually drawn MORE attention to it by CHANGING the status. It''ll show up in people''s feeds or ''other stuff'' areas TWICE now, in addition to whenever he put ''Engaged''. It really could look like you broke up or called off the engagement.


Is he having mixed feelings about the engagement? It can be normal to have mixed feelings. It happens to gals too --- YAY we''re getting married! Wait, I''m losing my freedom, things will be different. You can want something & not want something at the same time. Period of adjustment.


Does worry me though that he''s more concerned with what random non-invited status friends think that what YOU FEEL. Perhaps you can explain that further & maybe he''ll ''get it''.
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OMG good point.
 
My best friend''s husband is a Highway Patrol Officer. Their status was "married" for a short while. All of a sudden, he changed his status to "single." Everyone was shocked and commented on it, more in a joking manner because everyone knew their marriage was rock solid.

Later it came out that he was thinking about the safety of his family. He didn''t want anyone he arrested to look him up on facebook and see that he was married and had a child. This made a lot of sense.

I am in the category of, it''s just facebook. You know your relationship. If it is solid, don''t fret. Do I think you''re being childish? No. Something like this can be shocking at first.

I hope you''re feeling a bit better this morning.
 
I think this may just be a case of a man being a man. Their logic is different than ours.
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I think he sees his reason for doing so and thats about it. He probably didn''t even realize it would hurt you but then became defensive because you were so upset.

I dont think you have anything to worry about, but I can absolutely see why you would be upset and mad.
 
What does he think is going to happen if he runs into these "not invited to the wedding casual friends" who he is FOOLING with his deceptive FB status.

"Sorry about your engagement man!"

What''s he gonna say. "Yeah, its a bummer!" or "No, I''m still getting married" Won''t people STILL realized their not invited to the wedding, um, EVENTUALLY. Unless he''s not planning for their to BE a wedding.

Dunno. I wouldn''t like it.
 
This actually has me fuming ... maybe because of all the shady stuff going on with the winner of The Bachelorette. I can totally see how this can be shady too.

Listen, YOU are wearing a ring around. YOU don''t have the option to "hide" your status from random strangers who may or may not be invited.

Ask him if he thinks you should take off your ring when you run into one of these people -- so they don''t get their feelings hurt about not being invited to your wedding.

Its like he wants to "claim" you with the ring ... but wants to hide that he''s SPOKEN FOR as well. GAH. Ridonk.
 
Date: 8/7/2009 10:17:37 AM
Author: House Cat
My best friend''s husband is a Highway Patrol Officer. Their status was ''married'' for a short while. All of a sudden, he changed his status to ''single.'' Everyone was shocked and commented on it, more in a joking manner because everyone knew their marriage was rock solid.


Later it came out that he was thinking about the safety of his family. He didn''t want anyone he arrested to look him up on facebook and see that he was married and had a child. This made a lot of sense.


I am in the category of, it''s just facebook. You know your relationship. If it is solid, don''t fret. Do I think you''re being childish? No. Something like this can be shocking at first.


I hope you''re feeling a bit better this morning.
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I totally agree that sometimes is better to keep privacy like in this case.

Facebook has a different meanings for everybody. I have my parents, sibilings, extend family, that If i change my status to single, will be surprise even worried about what happen. I don''t know what is her case, but if my husband was thinking in change his status, I will like to be inform before about the idea and why he wants to change it, so the change does not take me by surprise.
 
Date: 8/7/2009 10:27:04 AM
Author: decodelighted
This actually has me fuming ... maybe because of all the shady stuff going on with the winner of The Bachelorette. I can totally see how this can be shady too.

Listen, YOU are wearing a ring around. YOU don''t have the option to ''hide'' your status from random strangers who may or may not be invited.

Ask him if he thinks you should take off your ring when you run into one of these people -- so they don''t get their feelings hurt about not being invited to your wedding.

Its like he wants to ''claim'' you with the ring ... but wants to hide that he''s SPOKEN FOR as well. GAH. Ridonk.
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Great point. I''d mention that one when you bring it up with your FI again!
 
Date: 8/6/2009 11:03:55 PM
Author:cleokizzy
sorry girls but i just needed to vent. i'm already teary eyed, annoyed and really mad!

so i just checked my facebook and guess what... FI changed his status from 'engaged' to 'single' and then from 'single' to 'in a relationship'. wtf?!? i asked him why did he have to change it and he said he doesn't want those people in his friends list that are NOT invited to our wedding to know that we're getting married!

i know he's pretty popular but should it even matter to the people who found out about our engagement if their invited or not?!?!

i just feel so mad, sad, disappointed. i feel as if he's hiding me and ashamed of our engagement! it just seems like he DOESNT want people to know that he's getting married!!!

he's telling me i'm childish. am I being childish?!?

sniff.sniff.sniff. gosh. i really am crying now.
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To me it seems like you have deeper trust issues going on and FB has just bought it to the surface. In all honesty if my FI did that I would not bat an eye lid because I trust him and FB is not really a big deal to us. We have no relationship status up or pictures of us together, we hardly write on each other's walls. The ppl that are nearest and dearest to us already know about our relationship and I don't feel the need that every single person of FB needs to know because half of them are not even real true friends lol. I guess what I'm trying to say is that maybe he thinks along the same line and doesn't see this as a big deal because 'it's only FB' to him. You should tell him again though about how you feel and that its upsetting you. Maybe its better to take the status off all together. Unless you have serious trust issues with him I wouldn't look any deeper into this or think that anything fishy is going.
 
Is it upsetting you beecause he changed his FB status without talking to you, or does he regularly refuse to acknowledge your relationship?

It does seem a little overly dramatic to me to get upset over his FB status, but that could be because 1) I don''t put a lot of stock in FB profiles and 2) I''m not worried about my relationship, so it would strike me as odd, but not upsetting if my SO did this.

But if this is a constant thing, or something about his explanation doesn''t ring true, the only thing you can do is talk to him. And I''d definitely use Deco''s point about the ring - would he like it if you went to a party with a bunch of your friends without it, just so they wouldn''t get any ideas about inviting themselves to the wedding?

It doesn''t matter what we think about FB statuses, but if it''s really bothering you, you need to talk to him.
 
Honestly I think this all a little dramatic, if he were using facebook to try and cheat on or hide you I don''t think he would''ve put his status as engaged or in a relationship at all. Sure he could be out right now having an affair as could my FI! However unless you have other issues going on that could give you probable cause he is ashamed or trying to hide you for whatever reason I think this is a silly argument that got a bit too emotional. This is a crazy stressful emotional time right now and sometimes we have misunderstandings. If your FI was in anyway ashamed of you I highly doubt he would''ve proposed and you would''ve accepted in the first place! In the grand scheme of life this really does seem like such a small misunderstanding. I hope you''re feeling better today! **Sending hugs your way**
 
I hope you''re having a better day today.
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If you''re his friend on FB, you can likely see each other''s feeds and it would be beyond moronic for him to use it as a tool to cheat.

Men think about these things in a very practical way. Changing his status, for him, was a way of helping you both avoid stress due to hurt feelings from people who may not be invited to your wedding. Unless you have reason to suspect that he is embarrassed by you or is having second thoughts about the wedding in other areas, I wouldn''t let a FB status be the major indicator here.
 
I dont use those networking sites. I used to... but eh, I just found that I didn''t really care about people I lost contact with 10+ years ago... you know?

When I was engaged (and on myspace), I did get a lot of comments from people I used to be REALLY close with, but not anymore... and then I ended up sending invites out, to people I hadn''t intended on inviting because I figured they just wanted to be invited. Well in some cases THEY CAME. We had a blast. So I''m not complaining.

I''m not going to bash your fiancee. You know he loves you, otherwise I don''t see him proposing. I mean, think about, it takes A LOT to go out and purchase an engagement ring. That means something. i dont have thousands of dollars to throw around on someone ELSE if I''m not committed. I think it was just an error on his part and he didn''t realize it would hurt you... but some people (LIKE ME!!!) can''t say no. It is like a serious defect. I''m working on it, but it is hard.

You are completely entitled to feeling the way you do. I''d be honestlyupset as well. I just wanted to give you a different side... as I don''t believe he was trying to be sneaky or sinister.
 
wow. i never thought i''d get this much reaction!

first of all... thank you ladies for all your advice and concern. i really am loving ps more because of the new friends/acquaintances that i meet from all over the globe.

i''ve slept it over and i''m still a wee-bit upset. i must admit that my wording and reaction was somewhat childish (damn these hormones) but i have good reasons. there was at one point in the beginning of our relationship that he did not acknowledge me as his gf. eventhough this was years ago, i guess it just brought back *that* particular memory that i wasn''t too happy about.

to be fair to FI, the friends that we have listed on fb are all "real" friends in a sense that we interact with them face-to-face on a regular basis. we don''t add random invites if we''ve never met them. unfortunately, not all of those friends in our fb list are invited because it gets expensive. still, it IS a lame reason to change an FB status since all of them are aware that we are getting married.

mscushion was right: he WAS playing around with the drop-down menu, hence the feeds on FB. that people saw. i do hate that feature!

he changed the status to be "low key" but look what happened... since i logged off last night, i''ve received several txt messages, vm and wall posts from my family and friends asking ME of what happenned!!! some of them even made costly international calls! it''s a headache that could''ve been avoided.

i still haven''t talked to FI since last night bec i refuse to call him first (childish ways kicking in here). i know this is just FB and eventually we will kiss and make-up but like what rhbgirl24 said: this is a case of a man being a man.

yeah

one of those big time stupid MAN-ly ways.

i might take up decodelighted''s suggestion and tell FI what he''ll feel if i take off my ring.

i''ll update everyone once we have this "resolved".

again, thank you so much for the advice and concern! i really appreciate hearing from such wonderful ladies as you!

*mwah*

p.s. i do feel secure in our relationship. it''s just one of these things that sometimes irritates me... and last night, i just needed to vent.
 
Date: 8/6/2009 11:03:55 PM
Author:cleokizzy
sorry girls but i just needed to vent. i''m already teary eyed, annoyed and really mad!

so i just checked my facebook and guess what... FI changed his status from ''engaged'' to ''single'' and then from ''single'' to ''in a relationship''. wtf?!? i asked him why did he have to change it and he said he doesn''t want those people in his friends list that are NOT invited to our wedding to know that we''re getting married!

i know he''s pretty popular but should it even matter to the people who found out about our engagement if their invited or not?!?!

i just feel so mad, sad, disappointed. i feel as if he''s hiding me and ashamed of our engagement! it just seems like he DOESNT want people to know that he''s getting married!!!

he''s telling me i''m childish. am I being childish?!?

sniff.sniff.sniff. gosh. i really am crying now.
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How long had his status been "engaged" before it was changed? Ummmmm ... I''m pretty sure that if his status was "engaged" at one point, the friends who aren''t invited already know he''s getting married. If I were one of his Facebook "friends" and I saw the change in status esp. the change to "single," the first thought I would have is that there''s trouble in your relationship. I can understand him wanting to not hurt other people''s feelings, but what about your feelings? He should have at least mentioned it to you before he did this to see if it would hurt your feelings. Sometimes men are so stupid. They just don''t have any common sense.

Btw, he could have at least had the common sense to delete the status updates on his Facebook wall to not draw attention to change or at least not draw attention to the fact that he changed it to single.
 
Date: 8/7/2009 4:30:20 AM
Author: mimzy

Date: 8/7/2009 3:20:18 AM
Author: Dannielle
The only thing that I find weird is that he changed it from ''engaged'' back to ''single''. People obviously would of seen he was engaged so what was the point of changing it?


Plenty of people on my FB are engaged, yet I don''t assume I am invited to their wedding
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my thoughts exactly....? plus,it''s not like these people are NEVER going to find out that he''s getting married? i think his reasoning is pretty asinine. like, to the max.
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Even if they did assume they were invited, part of being an adult is being able to say no.
 
Date: 8/7/2009 10:17:37 AM
Author: House Cat
My best friend''s husband is a Highway Patrol Officer. Their status was ''married'' for a short while. All of a sudden, he changed his status to ''single.'' Everyone was shocked and commented on it, more in a joking manner because everyone knew their marriage was rock solid.

Later it came out that he was thinking about the safety of his family. He didn''t want anyone he arrested to look him up on facebook and see that he was married and had a child. This made a lot of sense.

I am in the category of, it''s just facebook. You know your relationship. If it is solid, don''t fret. Do I think you''re being childish? No. Something like this can be shocking at first.

I hope you''re feeling a bit better this morning.
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I understand this man''s rationale and appreciate him thinking of his family, but I think he needs to change his privacy settings if anyone can look him up on Facebook. People typically can''t view your profile unless you accept their friend requests. Even then, you can set your privacy settings so that even your friends can''t see them.
 
Date: 8/7/2009 12:42:42 PM
Author: cleokizzy
wow. i never thought i'd get this much reaction!

first of all... thank you ladies for all your advice and concern. i really am loving ps more because of the new friends/acquaintances that i meet from all over the globe.

i've slept it over and i'm still a wee-bit upset. i must admit that my wording and reaction was somewhat childish (damn these hormones) but i have good reasons. there was at one point in the beginning of our relationship that he did not acknowledge me as his gf. eventhough this was years ago, i guess it just brought back *that* particular memory that i wasn't too happy about.

to be fair to FI, the friends that we have listed on fb are all 'real' friends in a sense that we interact with them face-to-face on a regular basis. we don't add random invites if we've never met them. unfortunately, not all of those friends in our fb list are invited because it gets expensive. still, it IS a lame reason to change an FB status since all of them are aware that we are getting married.

mscushion was right: he WAS playing around with the drop-down menu, hence the feeds on FB. that people saw. i do hate that feature!

he changed the status to be 'low key' but look what happened... since i logged off last night, i've received several txt messages, vm and wall posts from my family and friends asking ME of what happenned!!! some of them even made costly international calls! it's a headache that could've been avoided.

i still haven't talked to FI since last night bec i refuse to call him first (childish ways kicking in here). i know this is just FB and eventually we will kiss and make-up but like what rhbgirl24 said: this is a case of a man being a man.

yeah

one of those big time stupid MAN-ly ways.

i might take up decodelighted's suggestion and tell FI what he'll feel if i take off my ring.

i'll update everyone once we have this 'resolved'.

again, thank you so much for the advice and concern! i really appreciate hearing from such wonderful ladies as you!

*mwah*

p.s. i do feel secure in our relationship. it's just one of these things that sometimes irritates me... and last night, i just needed to vent.
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Now, his rationale for changing his status makes even less sense. If you two have regular face-to-face interaction with these people, then they obviously would know that he's engaged.

I do think you're being childish by not wanting to call him first. Like all adults, you're going to have a lot more serious issues to confront in the future, and this is really no way deal with any relationship and non-relationship issues.

To be honest, after reading your update, I think both of you are being immature and showing poor judgment in your actions and reactions.
 
cleo, i just wanted to offer i bit of advice (on a personal note, i''d be a bit upset that he "downgraded" his relationship status). maybe he could just NOT list his relationship status...that way people who know you are engaged will still know you are engaged & for those not invited to the wedding it will not be thrown up in their faces (if that''s what he feels is happening). again, personally, i would be much more comfortable having no relationship status listed on mine or SO fb (from both our profiles, it is obvious we are together) than to have him list that we are "in a relationship" when we were actually "engaged." also, when you do talk to him you should mention why this really upset you & that these things are important to YOU & next time he should discuss such things with you b/c of previous sensitivity.

wishing you lots of luck that it all gets straightened out & this misunderstanding can get put behind you & back onto enjoying your engagement period!!
 
Ditto Lulu - I have never listed my relationship status, whether I was single or in a relationship (nor does my boyfriend). People who are close enough to me that I''d want them to know, know already. Much less drama that way, and no privacy problems.

I don''t think you''re being childish at all, because nowadays, Facebook is (rightly or wrongly) a standard form of communication between friends, family and acquaintances. Having a misleading status is equivalent to actively denying your relationship to other people. I think everyone would have a problem with their fiance actually telling other people they were single or not engaged.
 
Now that you''ve slept on it, I think it''s time to reengage on this subject. Bottom line: it''s upset you and that should be enough for your FI to change it back. The ring argument is very valid. You''re a walking billboard of engagement, yet he can''t list it on FB because he''s afraid to hurt someone''s feelings? His reasoning might be valid, but not well thought out.
 
Date: 8/7/2009 12:42:42 PM
Author: cleokizzy
wow. i never thought i''d get this much reaction!

first of all... thank you ladies for all your advice and concern. i really am loving ps more because of the new friends/acquaintances that i meet from all over the globe.

i''ve slept it over and i''m still a wee-bit upset. i must admit that my wording and reaction was somewhat childish (damn these hormones) but i have good reasons. there was at one point in the beginning of our relationship that he did not acknowledge me as his gf. eventhough this was years ago, i guess it just brought back *that* particular memory that i wasn''t too happy about.
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hi cleokizzy, we all have our moments and i''m sure you went to PS with your initial reaction, which may be perceived as childish to some, but it''s really the way that you deal with it that matters, honestly, some of my initial reactions towards some of FI''s questionable behavior can also be seen as immature, but i don''t act on those feelings, i''m glad that you''ve slept on it and are more clear headed on the issue

you may want to call FI first if he hasn''t already called you because, if he''s anything like my FI, he probably doesn''t know that you''re still irked about the issue
 
Date: 8/7/2009 10:05:34 AM
Author: Mara

I also don't agree with the gal who said 'he knows that the only thing to do is change it back because that is all that will make you happy'...marriage is just not about blindly making the other person happy if you have your own rationales. Compromise is key.
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Assuming this is me you're referring to Mara, i happen to believe that the FI should do everyting in his power to make cleokizzy happy... within reason. Changing his status on FB is such a simple thing to do. I hardly think its a huge deal or compromise.

If I can do little things to make my FI happy, I would gladly do it because I love him.
 
My DH took a loooooong time to change his FB status from "engaged" to "married." I didn''t get upset.

There are many other ways for people to find out if someone is getting married: word of mouth, announcements, ect....so you shouldn''t feel like he''s ashamed of your impending nuptials or hiding it; I seriously doubt that is the case. Eventually, people will hear or figure it out.

Just relax and enjoy the planning process; it''s only Facebook, anyway :)
 
Date: 8/7/2009 8:23:13 AM
Author: elledizzy5
I would not like it if I were you. Mostly because his reason sounds like BS. Secondly because I had an ex who liked to ''appear'' single on social networking sites. He''d leave relationship status blank, and his main photo would NEVER be of the two of us.

Well, he was cheating on me. A LOT.

Not saying your FI is, but in this situation he''s putting the feelings of distant friends above your feelings. I know when FI and I got engaged, he was *excited* to change our FB statuses! He couldn''t wait!

Now I know some people may say ''OMFG, it''s FB, who CARES?!?!'' but clearly it''s important to you, your feelings are hurt, and your FI should take that into consideration. Is there anything else going on? Sometimes when we''re feeling a bit insecure, little things like that really hurt us.
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I agree 100% with Elledizzy. I had an ex who was cheating on me and always put single as his status. NOT saying your FI is cheating but if it bothers YOU than he should change it. He should care about your feelings instead of people on facebook. I know if either my fiance or I changed our statuses the other would be seriously concerned. I don''t care of it''s facebook, I want my fiance to be proud to be engaged to me. Just because people see he''s engaged does NOT mean they''re invited to the wedding. I think that''s pretty flawed reasoning.

I''d talk to him calmly and let him know it really bothers you. The single thing is a bit odd. Again, why change it from engaged, to single, to in a relationship. It''s just odd.
 
Can I be honest here for a second and mimic the postings of those who told you that you should be concerned...

I think that it''s a big deal. There are certian things that just aren''t done...like announcing you''re single when in fact you''re engaged. Big no-no. With the few cavets (like the state trooper) discounting your meaning in his life is more or less a slap in the face. Who cares if people who aren''t invited to the wedding know he''s getting married...I, for one, had a Myspace page during my wedding place with many "friends" who weren''t invited.

I am not saying that he''s using the page for anything more than good old fashion reconnecting and chatting...but I am saying that if you''re going to be his wife then you and your feelings should matter way more than those of people who arent even close enough to be invited to your wedding to begin with. Period. That is such a common sense thing.
 
Date: 8/8/2009 12:24:30 PM
Author: Treasure43
Date: 8/7/2009 8:23:13 AM
Author: elledizzy5
I would not like it if I were you. Mostly because his reason sounds like BS. Secondly because I had an ex who liked to ''appear'' single on social networking sites. He''d leave relationship status blank, and his main photo would NEVER be of the two of us.

Well, he was cheating on me. A LOT.

Not saying your FI is, but in this situation he''s putting the feelings of distant friends above your feelings. I know when FI and I got engaged, he was *excited* to change our FB statuses! He couldn''t wait!

Now I know some people may say ''OMFG, it''s FB, who CARES?!?!'' but clearly it''s important to you, your feelings are hurt, and your FI should take that into consideration. Is there anything else going on? Sometimes when we''re feeling a bit insecure, little things like that really hurt us.
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I agree 100% with Elledizzy. I had an ex who was cheating on me and always put single as his status. NOT saying your FI is cheating but if it bothers YOU than he should change it. He should care about your feelings instead of people on facebook. I know if either my fiance or I changed our statuses the other would be seriously concerned. I don''t care of it''s facebook, I want my fiance to be proud to be engaged to me. Just because people see he''s engaged does NOT mean they''re invited to the wedding. I think that''s pretty flawed reasoning.

I''d talk to him calmly and let him know it really bothers you. The single thing is a bit odd. Again, why change it from engaged, to single, to in a relationship. It''s just odd.
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That is the result of a Facebook glitch. Any time you change your relationship status, it switches it to single before whatever you chose. I think this was discussed earlier in the thread.
 
Date: 8/8/2009 1:14:52 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
Can I be honest here for a second and mimic the postings of those who told you that you should be concerned...


I think that it''s a big deal. There are certian things that just aren''t done...like announcing you''re single when in fact you''re engaged. Big no-no. With the few cavets (like the state trooper) discounting your meaning in his life is more or less a slap in the face. Who cares if people who aren''t invited to the wedding know he''s getting married...I, for one, had a Myspace page during my wedding place with many ''friends'' who weren''t invited.


I am not saying that he''s using the page for anything more than good old fashion reconnecting and chatting...but I am saying that if you''re going to be his wife then you and your feelings should matter way more than those of people who arent even close enough to be invited to your wedding to begin with. Period. That is such a common sense thing.
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Ditto. Well put.
 
You know sometimes it is the little things that are really significant, and this is one of those little things. He is lying to his friends (by saying he is singel when he is not, and disrespecting your relationship - you had friends and family call worried about what had happend. Not good signs.

I am sorry this is happening.

you need to bring it up, because some men can delude themselves and say "well problem over,she isnt saying anything about it - all must be well"

I just dont get this - you either dont mention your relationship status at all or you acknoledge your SO. He cant have it both ways, if he is advertising his status, then he needs to not lie to his friends about it (and disrespect you). He needs to get some backbone and say yes we are engaged but obviously cant invite everyone we know to the wedding, finances etc, or he thinks he is such a player that he needs others to think he is still single (why) or he is cheating or wants to be open to the possibility.

Men are not silly either, he is saying he is single - I mean, reallly - he is or he isnt, there isnt an inbetween.

Sorry to be so blunet, I am just angry for you
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If he is worried about it, then why not remove the status all together?

I personally think it is dumb to change it if you see these people in real life. They are bound to see the ring and hear about plans.
 
Totally agree with many of the ladies here. I would be upset too. Either he acknowledges your relationship as it stands on fb or you both agree to not have any relationship status posted. It may sound silly but because of the drama that these little status changes can create SO and I agreed not to have anything listed for the first few years of our relationship. We now have "in a relationship with XX" listed but we agreed together that we wanted the relationship acknowledged.

I find many guys I know have wierd reasoning for things and sometimes may have a good intention or thought but the way they execute the action often seems sketchier than it should. Maybe he had another valid reason for the switch (?) and didn''t think you would like it so this was just a BS excuse he came up with that he thought you would buy.

(sorry for babbling) either way, the end of the story is that honesty is the best policy, your feelings should trump pretty much anyone elses since you are his FIANCEE and he should have discussed a change like this with you first.
 
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