Please say a prayer...

[AmberGretchen]

Oh Harleigh honey - my heart just aches for you reading these posts that you''ve made. I do have to say though, I am a pretty die-hard animal advocate and I have VERY high standards for how I think animals should be treated, and for whatever its worth, I don''t think you have anything at all to feel guilty about. You took every step that a responsible pet owner could have taken and there was no way to have known this would happen.

I think you and Maverick were one of those pet-person relationships made in heaven. I like to think of that pet in someone''s life as their "heart pet." Its a special relationship that no one can understand who hasn''t experienced it.

You gave Maverick more love and a better home than 99% of the cats and dogs out there can even begin to dream of. You were lucky to have found each other. Please, I know its hard, but try not to compound your grief with guilt. Maverick wouldn''t want you to - he would want you to remember what a blessing you were to each other.

Take all the time you feel you need to grieve and do your best to ignore those insensitive creeps who don''t understand. Its their loss that they have never experienced what you had with Maverick with an animal in their lives.

When the time is right, and your grieving process has taken whatever its natural course is, I really believe that Maverick will find a way to lead you to the cat or dog (or both) who are meant to be in your life next, and he will be so proud of you for being able to give so much love to another animal in need, just like you were able to give it to him.

 

[Harleigh]

joflier...thank you for the lovely flowers, and what a lucky girl you are to have your sweet Ginger with you for so very long. Thank you for understanding...hearing that you consider your sweet baby your bff makes me feel so much better. I tried to explain to my mom again tonight that Maverick was the ONLY constant in my life for the last 11 years. He was always there for me, rain or shine, tears or smiles, through friends and break-ups, through, well, everything. I don''t know that I''ll ever find another cat like him again, but I sure hope he has a kindred spirit he can send my way when I''m ready to love another little bundle of fur. Thank you for taking the time to post, I appreciate it.

Hi again, sweet Linda...you are so right, I have encountered several insensitive people the past three days, and even if I wasn''t a pet lover, I couldn''t imagine ever asking someone when they would get over the death of anyone or anything. I have seriously lost a lot of respect for several of my colleagues for their lack of compassion, their self-centeredness, etc... I have always been the type of person to put others'' feelings before my own, and when I find myself in need on the opposite end, I have been sorely disappointed. This is another reason I am so thankful for people like all of you here on PS. Thank you, Linda. Much love and hugs back to you.

Scarleta...I appreciate your taking the time to check on me, thank you. I have been thinking of you, also, and hope you are feeling at least a sense of peace now. I have some better moments and some worse moments...today was all right, but tonight has been just miserable. Sometimes I think I would just do better to just speak to no one, hibernate for awhile and get over all of this in my own way, but life goes on. I know many people care about me, but they just don''t understand how much Maverick meant to me. To be honest, I am so tired of crying to the point of illness, being so upset I can''t see straight, and just being so miserable. As I said before, I am just trying to take things one day at a time, and see what each new day brings. I hope that you are finding a way to see past your tears, and that you and your DH are finding comfort in one another. Hang in there, my friend.

drk...thank you for your thoughts and ideas for support. I have found my friends here on PS to be a wonderful support system, but if I find I''m not able to move on from this, I will look into that. Thanks for the hug, and yes, Maverick was the most kind, loving, magnificent soul I have ever seen. I appreciate you taking the time to write.

Jypsie..., thank you. I do believe that he was the biggest blessing I have ever had the fortune to have in my life, and it was him who opened my heart and helped to make any place I lived with him a home. He was the best part of my family, with the biggest heart, the kindest paw, and he was truly the best friend I could have ever asked for. Thank you for the prayers and kind thoughts, and hugs right back at ya.

Hi, there, Haven...that''s okay that you didn''t see this till now. I know these threads are hard for a lot of people, and I appreciate everyone who has taken the time to read through all of my sadness and grief and has taken the time to reply. Since I cannot get the last sight of Maverick out of my mind, I have been trying to collect all of my pictures of him over the years together to purge that image from my memory, but it is hard. I know it will get easier in time, but right now I am still struggling. Thank you for keeping us both in your thoughts...that means a lot to me.

LittleRock...thank you for sharing about your cat, and I''m sorry for your loss. You are so very right, though. Maverick has licked away my tears, danced around the house in celebration with me, slept by my side, kept my feet warm, and listened to all of my crazy rantings with a look of pure and utter adoration on his face. He was my best friend and I will never forget the joy he brought to my life for the last 11 years. I did find a pet memorial website on Sunday night...it might have been the one you mentioned, but I just haven''t had the heart to do that yet. I have been writing some of my thoughts down the past few nights when I haven''t been able to sleep, and maybe when I''ve calmed down about his passing a bit I will feel better about it, but for now I am just not ready. I did get a lot of comfort from reading about others who were experiencing the same feelings I am, and that helps. Thank you for taking the time to write, and for understanding how I am feeling right now.

Oh, Pandora...again, I am so sorry about your dear Sophie. I remember your posts and was so sad for you knowing how my own little guy might be nearing that end one day in the near future himself, but I honestly thought that after taking him to the vet, it really was just old age and that I truly would have so much more time with him. I can''t believe I was so naive about that, and I wish I had done more for him. You are so very lucky to have been blessed with 6 cats in your life...I wish I had had more animals to love over the years, but my parents just don''t like animals, so we never had any. I plan to have many more in the future, but Rusty and I have agreed we should probably wait until after the wedding and honeymoon in Maui in July, and then have the reception in August and THEN get a cat and a dog at the same time. I have never had any other pet than my dear Maverick, and I want the chance for us to have them together, and I know I could never leave any animals alone for so long or keep new pets locked up while we have a few hundred people over for our reception. I think the next 8 months are going to be extremely sad and lonely, but I will hopefully be able to look forward to starting my new family next August that will hopefully include a few new furry friends. (Anyone nearby have any pets I can come play with in the meantime...please???)

Thank you, Pandora, for thinking of me, and a big hug right back at you.

Thank you, diamondseeker, I appreciate your taking the time now. All of you have helped to make this sad time a bit more bearable the past few days, so thank you and I feel the hugs all the way over here.

teetee...thank you for your kind thoughts, and I am trying really hard to not focus on what "could have been," but it''s a hard thing to do. I''m sure the days to come will get easier, but gosh, they sure are long ones in between.

Hi Sparkles-and-Shimmer...welcome, and thank you for taking the time to share with me. No one but my best friend and brother seem to understand my not wanting/being able to come home. I can''t get past the fact that Maverick will never come to greet me at the door ever again, I can''t bear to see his treat dish in the sink, I can''t even BEGIN to use his bathroom (he had his own) and I dread seeing the spot in my living room that I found him on Sunday. I''ve never been afraid of much, but this week I seem to be jumping at my own shadow, at every sound, and I swear I see Maverick out of the corner of my eyes all the time. I don''t know if I will ever be able to sit at the kitchen table or in the living room in this house ever again. I know that sounds unreasonable, but I just don''t know right now.

Sadly, I have heard a few things from people at work I never thought I would, but some of the comments have come from my own mother, too. She is not an animal lover, and she just doesn''t get it, I guess. Another teacher came up to me this afternoon and said, "Oh, you must be so lonely!" Um, yeah, actually, I am, more than I ever thought I could be, and thanks for pointing that out with no suggestion of a remedy. Whenever someone is upset at work or has a problem, I am always inviting them to my room to talk, or out for coffee or tea, etc... I would never point out how miserable someone must be...I still don''t understand that.

As I mentioned above, I have an image of Maverick that I need to get out of my head, so I have been trying to gather all of the pictures I have of him together. I just wish I had more now...it just doesn''t seem like 11 years worth of pictures of the best thing that''s ever come into my life at a time I really needed him. So, thank you S-and-S, for joining here when you sensed I needed you, though I''m sorry it was for such a sad reason. Thank you for taking the time to share with me, and I hope you plan to keep in touch more now that you''ve stepped out of lurkdom.

Thank you, snlee.

AG...you are always so sweet and thoughtful, and possibly the biggest animal lover on this site. I very much appreciate your wisdom, and though my brother didn''t say what you did quite so eloquently, he tried to say exactly the same thing. I think you are right...I found my "heart pet" that day 11 years ago at the SPCA when I was cetain that I just had to have a kitten, but this big orange and white guy just kept climbing up my leg...literally, about 4 times. I kept going back to the kittens, then back to the adult pet room and looking at his sweet face, and though I was sure I didn''t want an adult cat, he just spoke to me. I told myself that if he climbed up my leg just one more time, he would have to come home with me. He must have known that I needed him as much as he needed me, and I feel like the luckiest girl in the world for having such a sweet and loving creature in my life for so long. I sincerely hope that if I can wait until next August for another kitty to love (I hate the thought of waiting that long, though) that Maverick somehow does help me to find another needy soul to love like I was able to do with him. Rusty has never wanted a cat, but I finally told him today that was no longer negotiable...I would never tell him he couldn''t have another dog, so he agreed we will just have to get one of each. Thank you, again, AG, for always making me feel better. I know in my heart that I shouldn''t feel guilty, but I just wish I had been here for my little guy, and I will always regret that I never got a chance to tell him goodbye.

 

[Lorelei]

Harleigh- hang in there, it is going to be difficult, but eventually you will start to smile again. I know how it is to feel you have lost contact with your beloved, what I do is this. When I lost my incredible horse earlier this year, whom I had for 20 years, I go to where he used to stand with me in his field, I just stand quietly and let my mind wander. He always comes back to me and we share some more special time together. You may find this happens for you too in time, sit quietly where you used to with Mav and you may feel him again. Your love and special friendship will continue beyond the physical.

As to regrets, Harleigh darling, we are all chock full of them when a special friend has to leave. I beat myself up so badly every time, when my horse died, one of the vets who was treating him knew I was in a bad way from one of my friends who is a nurse in the practice. He called me and listened and did much to reassure me that none of it was my fault. I have a huge list of things I should have done differently / should have known/ should have anticipated/ etc etc, and in the end it is a natural part of the grief process and you will move on from it. It is very early days, you will be able to go about your life normally in a while, it will take time with his bowl, own bathroom etc.

I wish there was more I could do, but I can tell you I do sympathise and know how hard it is. I will tell you this. It never gets easier, each time we lose a companion animal, it hurts more than we can bear it seems, it is the price we eventually have to pay for loving them so much. So why do we keep inflicting more of this terrible pain on ourselves? Because we can''t imagine not having a precious animal in our lives and the pain is really a price worth paying, for all the love and joy we get for being able to care for and love such wonderful creatures.

 

[AGBF]

Date: 11/28/2007 3:06:44 PM
Author: Harleigh

Oh, Deb, I am so sorry, I didn't mean to add to your pain and misery.

Now that you could never do, sweetheart! Thank you for the kind words that followed the sentence above. You are a doll. I am not mourning my dog yet. He is still with me. But I have lost a beloved pet in the past, which is the only way I can can know how truly terrible you can feel now. It is way beyond words.

I do try to avoid some of these threads to spare myself...which is selfish. It is also why I couldn't be a veterinarian, though. I cannot bear to see animals suffer. I managed to do a year of internship as a social worker at a major hospital on the pediatric dialysis unit and on the pediatric floor, where my heart was broken by little children. But I can take that better than I can take sick animals.

I am sorry, Pandora, that I was not there for you when Sophie died. I did not know about that. I am very sorry for your loss.

Deborah

 

[blushingbride]

Harleigh...and Pandora! I''m so extrememly sorry to hear of your loss''s. I completely understand what both of you are going through and my prayers go out to you both!

When I was in high school, my family lost our first dog (a Yorkie named Wynnie) to kidney failure it was absolutely crushing. We had to put her to sleep in January on a school night and the next day, I chose not to go to school. That entire day and probably the rest of that month, I was a mess and felt the same way you do Harleigh - couldn''t look at her bowl, leash, bed, toys, her paw prints in our living room carpet, the lock of hair my mom cut from the top of her head as a rememberance...EVERYTHING reminded me of her and brought me to tears earch and everyday.

I can say though, that as time went on, the days DID get a little easier and I found that I wasn''t missing the little things as much anymore - such as the jingle of her collar or the pitter patter of her little feet on the tile floor. My family began getting used to life without her and started talking about getting another dog - NOT to replace her, but because we were dog people and wanted to have that love again for another animal. In June, we ended up getting another Yorkie - again, to us we weren''t replacing her in anyway. It was more like we were honoring her.

My parents have now raised the "new" dog who will be 13 in March and my DH and I have gotten our own Yorkie, Harry, who is now 1. When I look at my own dog, I think about how he came into our lives and it all stems from Wynnie. And when I thought that I could never love a pet as much as I did her, I find that my love for Harry is more than I could''ve ever imagined.

Your pets came into your lives for a reason and you''ll see that your love for them will continue to grow as time goes on, in more ways than you''d ever think it would. The memories of your beloved pets will become something you''ll look back on with a smile, instead of tears. It will get easier!

 

[Maisie]

What a lovely post Blushingbride

 

[joflier]

Date: 11/29/2007 3:14:57 AM
Author: Harleigh
joflier...thank you for the lovely flowers, and what a lucky girl you are to have your sweet Ginger with you for so very long. Thank you for understanding...hearing that you consider your sweet baby your bff makes me feel so much better. I tried to explain to my mom again tonight that Maverick was the ONLY constant in my life for the last 11 years. He was always there for me, rain or shine, tears or smiles, through friends and break-ups, through, well, everything. I don''t know that I''ll ever find another cat like him again, but I sure hope he has a kindred spirit he can send my way when I''m ready to love another little bundle of fur. Thank you for taking the time to post, I appreciate it.

Isn''t that just the greatest.....I understand what you mean to a T.....and its amazing how they know when your crying and down and out. The special purrs they give and maybe rubbing your face with their head...No, not many can understand. But I hope your pain gets a little easier to bear with each day that passes.

 

[LaurenThePartier]

Oh no, Harleigh! I''m so very sorry to hear! Maverick is too cute, and he looks like such a happy cat in the pics you posted. I''m sure he felt incredibly happy to have a Cat Mom that so obviously loved him as much as you did.

My prayers are with you!

 

[AGBF]

Date: 11/29/2007 9:43:15 AM
Author: blushingbride


My family began getting used to life without her and started talking about getting another dog - NOT to replace her, but because we were dog people and wanted to have that love again for another animal. In June, we ended up getting another Yorkie - again, to us we weren't replacing her in anyway. It was more like we were honoring her.


My parents have now raised the 'new' dog who will be 13 in March and my DH and I have gotten our own Yorkie, Harry, who is now 1. When I look at my own dog, I think about how he came into our lives and it all stems from Wynnie. And when I thought that I could never love a pet as much as I did her, I find that my love for Harry is more than I could've ever imagined.


Your pets came into your lives for a reason and you'll see that your love for them will continue to grow as time goes on, in more ways than you'd ever think it would. The memories of your beloved pets will become something you'll look back on with a smile, instead of tears. It will get easier!

Hi, blushingbride! My parents always said that they did not believe in rushing out to buy a new pet as soon as an old one had died because they felt it taught children that a pet was replaceable. I see that you did not do that. I do not think my parents need to have worried, either, given how inconsolable my younger brother was when we lost our family dog, Dilly, as children. (She was a sweet spaniel we had inherited from her owner who had predeceased her.) Dilly died a natural death after surgery and had been cremated and my brother kept the ashes (which were in a cardboard box) in his room. He played the song, "Ruby Tuesday" by the Rolling Stones over and over and cried in there for hours. Finally, after a year of letting him mourn, my parents said that it was time to bury the ashes and we had a little ceremony under the apple at the property where my great-aunts and -uncles lived. All the family dogs (and cats) were buried there. After that year of intense mourning my brother was able to let go of her ashes...but it was a long process.

I agree that one can, in time, love other animals. If one already has them, one can continue to love other animals when he experiences a loss! But the loss is unique.

In time one does remember the pet with smiles if not laughter. I remember all the naughty things my dogs did! Blushingbride, you did phrase your posting eloquently!

Deborah

 

[AmberGretchen]

Date: 11/29/2007 3:14:57 AM
Author: Harleigh

AG...you are always so sweet and thoughtful, and possibly the biggest animal lover on this site. I very much appreciate your wisdom, and though my brother didn''t say what you did quite so eloquently, he tried to say exactly the same thing. I think you are right...I found my ''heart pet'' that day 11 years ago at the SPCA when I was cetain that I just had to have a kitten, but this big orange and white guy just kept climbing up my leg...literally, about 4 times. I kept going back to the kittens, then back to the adult pet room and looking at his sweet face, and though I was sure I didn''t want an adult cat, he just spoke to me. I told myself that if he climbed up my leg just one more time, he would have to come home with me. He must have known that I needed him as much as he needed me, and I feel like the luckiest girl in the world for having such a sweet and loving creature in my life for so long. I sincerely hope that if I can wait until next August for another kitty to love (I hate the thought of waiting that long, though) that Maverick somehow does help me to find another needy soul to love like I was able to do with him. Rusty has never wanted a cat, but I finally told him today that was no longer negotiable...I would never tell him he couldn''t have another dog, so he agreed we will just have to get one of each. Thank you, again, AG, for always making me feel better. I know in my heart that I shouldn''t feel guilty, but I just wish I had been here for my little guy, and I will always regret that I never got a chance to tell him goodbye.

Oh honey, what a lovely story. It truly was meant to be with you two, and I hope that as time goes on and your grief progresses, you can remember the beautiful things like that story more than the pain of losing him. Have you thought about making all those pictures into an album or scrapbook? It might be therapeutic to gather all the pictures in one place and either scan them into a computer and make a photobook, or put them in a scrapbook, and then include wonderful stories about him like the one above. I know the pain is probably still too raw right now for anything like this, but it might be something to consider in time.

And I completely understand what you said a few posts ago about wanting to pick out new pets together with Rusty, but I honestly think that the new kitty Maverick wants you to have will come into your life on its own timetable, when you are ready and the time is right. And I think when that happens, you will know, and you should bring that kitty into your life whether its next August or not. Rusty loves you and wants you to be happy and I''m sure that he will understand, and that issues around moving, wedding, honeymoon, and whatever else can all be worked out.

I''m still thinking of you in your grieving process and sending you all the warm healing prayers I can, because I can only begin to imagine how difficult this is for you.

Please do keep remembering all the lovely stories about your sweet boy and all the love you gave him and that he gave you back, and try to let that help you through your pain. When I go to volunteer at the animal shelter this Sunday I''ll be thinking of you and Maverick and I''ll be hoping that every one of the cats and dogs and kittens and puppies there is lucky enough to find an owner like you.

 

[Mannequin]

Harleigh, I am so sorry for your loss.

 

[scarleta]

Harleigh: I will quote you here because you expressed it far better than I ever could:



Scarleta...I appreciate your taking the time to check on me, thank you. I have been thinking of you, also, and hope you are feeling at least a sense of peace now. I have some better moments and some worse moments...today was all right, but tonight has been just miserable. Sometimes I think I would just do better to just speak to no one, hibernate for awhile and get over all of this in my own way, but life goes on. I know many people care about me, but they just don''t understand how much Maverick meant to me. To be honest, I am so tired of crying to the point of illness, being so upset I can''t see straight, and just being so miserable. As I said before, I am just trying to take things one day at a time, and see what each new day brings. I hope that you are finding a way to see past your tears, and that you and your DH are finding comfort in one another. Hang in there, my friend.

I am not as good as most here on this board to express in writing exactly what I want , but just wanted to tell you you are very much in my thoughts and prayers..I think of you often as I know what you are going through right now..Truly sorry and Hang in there my friend too...

 

[fisherofmengirly]

Oh, sweetie, I''m sorry. It''s always so hard to say bye to a dear friend who''s always been around. I know for me, I like to keep pictures of my childhood cat around (she died this year, as well), because then I remember her more often. Maverick was beautiful!!

Giant hugs!!!

 

[lyra]

I think it''s just wonderful that you have decided to wait a while, but that you will be rescuing another cat someday. Bless you.

I know you will find your next furkid when the time is right. Take care.

 

[scarleta]

Harleigh: I am so sorry about what that teacher had said to you.One can only assume that she/he has not experienced much love.Not much one can do about it.I am experiencing similar situation where some people are not sensitive at all.People are people and some are just different than us.I am having hard time understanding that myself..I can tell you are a very sensitive person like myself.
Harleigh keep us posted.I find help on this board if only just reading.I do feel for you sweet heart I do.Please know that I do understand you totally.I haven''t yet told everybody ( We are still suppose to be on holidays ) so far when I explain what happened I hear : " what do you mean he was just here with us last week" or " I hear what you are saying , but I can''t believe you"
there are so many reminders around, I still do the same walk rain or shine.I am desperately trying to deal with forgiveness.I always felt I had no problem with it but its simply not correct.My DH is very supportive also having very hard time with it.When we were on holidays I kept coming back to this board for answers and he just wanted me to read to him .this was the only place to share and we were both desperate for answers.I am trying and trying but its so, so hard.
You are in my thoughts and I know how hard it is.Please if you find someone not responsive or making comments like the teacher did perhaps silence may be your " best friend " I don''t have the answers sorry.Just wanted to let you know this..

 

[Harleigh]

From the bottom of my heart, thank you, everyone.

Unfortunately, tonight I again got into it with my mother about this whole situation and just don''t have the heart to post about it right now. Please bear with me, and know that your continued thoughts and prayers are very much appreciated. I think I need to get away for a bit, so I am going to go spend some time with Maverick at FI''s tomorrow night and then go out with some of my girlfriends on Saturday and Sunday to attempt to do something mundane and brainless.

I will be back to reply to all of you as I value each and every one of your posts...they have truly gotten me through the past 4 days when the people in my everyday life have let me down. So, please know I am not ignoring any of you, but I just can''t bring myself to write what I am feeling at this time and need to take a break from everything myself, I think.

I somehow have to get a grip and figure out a way to let some of my guilt go and attend to the grief I am feeling. I''m hoping that a heart to heart with my dearly departed Maverick Friday night will help to put things into a better perspective, or at least help things to become more clear to me, because it is obvious I cannot continue on this way for much longer...I''m not sleeping or eating, am making myself sick and I know that is not what Maverick would have ever wanted.

Thank you, again, ladies, for all of your support and encouragement, and I will continue to look back to the kind, caring and wise posts you have all left me when I need a bit of a boost in the next 2 days. I hope you all have a restful weekend full of peace.

Hugs and much love to all of you,

 

[matildawong]

Please take care of yourself Harleigh. Do what you need to do for you. You''re in my thoughts.


Eww why does that read sort of stalker-ish? I don''t mean it to! I just meant that I have been thinking about you and sending thoughts and prayers your way.

 

[scarleta]

Thanks for posting Harleigh.Please get some of your strength back.If you are in a mood for reading here is a book I am reading right now: " Blessing the Bridge" by Rita Reynolds.I got it from the library.Take care..

 

[matildawong]

Harleigh,
I hope you are doing as well as you can right now. I am thinking about you.

molly

 

[lumpkin]

Harleigh, it''s especially hard to lose someone special around the holidays. I wish you would not be hard on yourself. The vet was not concerned and didn''t give you any indication that something was very wrong. Please don''t dwell on that, because with Maverick''s age, he may very well have simply died of old age. The unfortunate thing about pets is that we tend to outlive them. I know it''s very hard knowing you weren''t there with him, and I hope you will remember that there''s no way you could have known and you certainly would have been with him if you had had any idea what was going to happen.

Do you have enough pictures of Harleigh that you could put in a little photo album or memory book? It might help to organize the pictures of him and write little annecdotes about the pictures and fun times with him. Then when you are very sad and missing him, you can look through the book and think of all the wonderful things you loved about him. Sounds like he was a great friend.

 

[Harleigh]

Hi Everyone,

Thank you again for all of your thoughts and prayers. I am so sorry to have been MIA for the past several days, but I simply have not had the heart to post on here as I feel like such a downer each and every time I write about Maverick. I so very much appreciate all of you taking the time to give your perspectives and thoughts on this situation and try to make me feel better...all of your posts mean the world to me.

To update you, though I am doing a little bit better this week, I hate so much to admit that I am still having a difficult time. As many here suggested, I dug around for all of the pictures I could find of Maverick and have taken them to work, placed them next to my bedside table, etc..., and though they are a joy to look at most times, I am saddened that I seem to have so few of them to represent the last 11 years of my life with my sweet little guy.

I do believe that each day is getting easier...I think I only cried two or three times today, and two of the times were while discussing Maverick with people who didn''t know what had occurred, but I am getting a little bit better at talking about what happened and attempting to deal with it on a day-to-day basis. The guilt I feel is another issue entirely, and I am seriously considering finding a professional to talk about it to, though many have said I feel guilty as he was the only pet I ever had and somehow I feel as though I failed him, whch I would completely agree to. This is what I need to work on getting past, I know, but right now it is very difficult.

I did spend most of the weekend alone at Rusty''s except for Friday night. When I got there after work on Friday, I couldn''t bear to look out the window into the backyard where I had buried Maverick, let alone go outside, so Rusty and I just had a quiet evening in where I think he tried to let me be alone with my thoughts and sadness the best way he knew how. I did manage to go out on both Saturday and Sunday mornings to visit Maverick''s grave while Rusty was gone at work, and I can''t say that it really helped at all...afterward each time I had the worst empty feeling inside that I just can''t explain. I am hoping this starts to fade away sometime soon.

I still have not yet received the memorial I ordered, but I am hoping that by placing it where he is buried may give me some sense of closure. Until then, I am focusing my efforts on continually putting one foot in front of the other, getting through each and every day and attempting to not be so down in the dumps. I know that it is a process, but it is one in which I never imagined I would be in where I wouldn''t have had the chance to say goodbye. I know this is not reasonable, but it was what I had hoped for.

So, again, thank you, everyone, for your words of wisdom...you all know so much better what to say, and since I don''t seem to have the support here where I am, thank you for understanding and allowing me to get my feelings out here. I am having a hard time looking forward to the holidays without Maverick here to chew on the wrapping paper, knocking ornaments off the tree and in general keeping me company while I prepare for Christmas...I was planning to put up the tree the day I came home and found him, and now I just don''t have the heart to, and I need to figure out a way to let my family know that there is no possible way that we can have Christmas here in my living room...I just can''t do it.

To molly and scarleta...thank you both so much for keeping an eye on me this past week and I''m sorry I didn''t get back to you sooner. I sincerely wish my own family understood like you both seem to, and I wish I had you both closer so I could talk to you both in person. I appreciate your taking the time to check on me and make sure I''m all right. I don''t know about how "all right" I acrually am, but I''m hanging in there, but as I said, this is much harder than I ever thought it could possibly be. Your caring and concern has been felt across the interet wires, and you two are truly the best, thank you. Scarleta, I did see they found out what was wrong with your precious dog, and again, I am so very sorry for your loss. Thank you for your suggestion of the book...I don''t know that I''m ready for it quite yet, but I did put it on my Christmas wish list for Rusty to get me. If he doesn''t, I''ll go get it myself, but I do appreciate the recommendation. Hugs to you both...

Much love and thanks again everyone,

 

[diamondfan]

Harleigh, I just came across this thread.

I am so sorry, I am an animal lover too and our pets really are part of our families and huge parts of our lives. We love having them and they are so precious and comforting, and only have pure love for us. I am sorry that you had to come in and find him that way. I am sure he had a blessed life with you, full of love and he knew it. He looks so handsome in his pictures. I am sorry you are hurting, and ignore any morons who cannot even just express sorrow for your loss and acknowledge your pain. It is not about anyone else. It will get better in time, but there will always be a special place in your heart for him. Time does heal, but loving something or someone strongly and losing them is not easy. And this time of year it is really tough. Be strong, and remember his sweetness and how much he loved being with you, he had a lovely time here with you, too short, but wonderful nonetheless.

 

[Harleigh]

Date: 12/5/2007 12:33:11 AM
Author: diamondfan
Harleigh, I just came across this thread.

I am so sorry, I am an animal lover too and our pets really are part of our families and huge parts of our lives. We love having them and they are so precious and comforting, and only have pure love for us. I am sorry that you had to come in and find him that way. I am sure he had a blessed life with you, full of love and he knew it. He looks so handsome in his pictures. I am sorry you are hurting, and ignore any morons who cannot even just express sorrow for your loss and acknowledge your pain. It is not about anyone else. It will get better in time, but there will always be a special place in your heart for him. Time does heal, but loving something or someone strongly and losing them is not easy. And this time of year it is really tough. Be strong, and remember his sweetness and how much he loved being with you, he had a lovely time here with you, too short, but wonderful nonetheless.

Thank you, df, for your kind words. You are right, I wish others would just mind their own business if they cannot be kind...last time I checked, I was taught that if I couldn''t say something nice or thoughtful, then I shouldn''t be saying anything at all. I have told very few people at work about what has happened, so it''s not as though I have asked for sympathy or understanding from any but the few I am very close to that are used to speaking with me on a consistent daily basis, and these people I sent an email to letting them know what happened to Maverick so that I wouldn''t have to talk about it.

I think that several people at work are irritated that I chose to mind my own business last week-I am a very happy, open person normally, but I just don''t feel that way right now...so, I did not enter the staff room for any recesses or lunch and truly kept to myself at all costs, which is not like me at all, but it is what I felt I needed to do to protect myself and not break down in front of my principal, colleagues or parents. I am suprised by the callousness of some of the people I have encountered and I just don''t understand it, but I have noticed that true animal lovers understand and feel differently, so thank you.

Thank you for your understanding, and as always, for your neverending kindness. You and all of the other PS''ers have truly made this time a bit more bearable for me.

With love,

 

[diamondfan]

Sadly there is no accounting for people and their actions in sad or tragic times. You loved him and are in pain, and that is all that should be of importance. Someone who has never loved a pet with all their heart or lost a beloved pet may lack understanding of your emotions but should at least have the sense to say some words of comfort and leave the rest unsaid. I still cry over my cat who died nearly 20 years ago, eaten by a coyote on the lawn of my mom''s house. I was married and moved out, but I adored that cat. He was more like a dog, would come running if you called him, and never once took a claw to me or my sister, even when, as little girls, we would dress him in a dress and bonnet and push him a carriage. He slept on my bed every night his whole life and when our two large dogs came into our home they got along so famously it was hysterical. He was a big ole tomcat and he and these two dogs, one 75 pounds and one over 100 pounds would cuddle all together on my bed, and he would purr away and they would lick his head. It was a riot. I did not find him, but my mom saw him, and even she cried a lot about him. Pay no mind to anyone who did not have the blessing of having a deep connection with a pet. I would even feel a bit sorry that that is something they have clearly missed out on in life.

 

[Sparkles-and-Shimmer]

Hi Harleigh,

I am glad to read that you''re starting to do a little bit better. Keep hanging in. I know just what you mean about Christmas. When our kitty died, that next Christmas I came across the little stockings with the cats'' names on them... I couldn''t even bear to look at hers, and I had to leave them both packed away. Surely your family will understand about not doing Christmas at your house... I really hope so...

I think the guilt is the hardest part. I also really struggled with guilt. Our kitty was only 6, and had symptomless, undiagnosed heart disease. (And I am diligent about vet visits and shots... they never miss a vet appointment... she had just been for her yearly checkup two months before.) One afternoon she started acting sick and lethargic, and by that night, we got so worried that we took her to the emergency vet. They sent her straight to a heart specialist vet, who initially thought she could stabilize her and treat her, but it was so very severe that they could not get her stabilized. She died as they were still working on her. We didn''t get to say much of a goodbye either. (You just don''t think your 6-year-old cat will go to the vet and never come home. You really don''t.) Anyway, I couldn''t stop thinking about a weird little incident a few days before she died. She had the funniest habit... whenever someone went in the bathroom, she HAD to go in with you. Whenever she''d hear the door open, she''d come running as fast as she could. So anyway, this one particular morning when I got up, she came racing up the stairs and into the bathroom. When I picked her up, I noticed she was breathing hard, almost panting. I was worried for a second or two, but then she went right back to normal and acted totally fine. So I attributed it to the fact that she just ran as fast as she could, through the house and up the stairs at top speed. Well, later I blamed myself so badly, thinking that might have been a symptom and I should have known. If I''d only realized... if I''d only taken her to the vet right then (even though it seemed like nothing)... then maybe they would have caught it before she went into distress, maybe they could have stabilized her. The vets kept trying to tell me it wouldn''t have mattered... her heart disease was so severe that she almost certainly wouldn''t have lived more than a few extra days or a week. But I would have given anything for those few extra days. Or even just the chance to say goodbye. Truly, for the longest time nothing could soothe me. I just couldn''t stop thinking that I should have known, and maybe I could have saved her.

So I understand about the guilt. But all I can tell you, is that it does go away with time. There will be more "better moments" and fewer "worse moments". Just keep trying to find the little things that make you feel even a tiny bit better. If you want to hibernate, and mind your own business, and not be talkative at work... then that''s just fine! And you are so right... the true animal lovers will understand. Don''t worry about the others.

I''m glad the photos are helping. Like you, DH and I put photos all around the house, and took them to work. And I do think the memorial may give you some closure. We also got one, and we lit a candle for her next to it. That helped too.

Take care, and hang in there.

 

[scarleta]

Harleigh: still thinking of you my dear...The book is a good read for right now..you don''t have to be ready for it..That''s why I mentioned it to you..

 

[AmberGretchen]

Oh Harleigh - your pain is so heartrending and so apparent in your posts. If there''s any way you can talk to someone like a counselor right now, I really think that might help. I agree that you need to find your way through the guilt part of your grief so that you can properly experience the rest, and a counselor or therapist of some kind could help you do that. Its not silly at all to try this in the wake of the death of a beloved pet.

Also, I don''t know where you are located exactly, but please please check out this link with resources for grieving pet owners. I volunteer at the shelter that provides this information and it is an incredible place - if anyone can provide good resources to those grieving the loss of a pet, they can. I really hope there is something on there that you might be able to attend, or some resource that could help you, since I think it might be especially helpful to talk in person with others who are going through the same thing. That site also has listings for therapists that specialize in pet loss, as well as books and articles that may be helpful (you can download some of the articles directly), and websites as well.

Please know that I''m still thinking of you and praying for you and it breaks my heart how difficult this has been for you. I really hope that at least one of the resources on that website can help lessen the pain even a little bit and allow you to continue your grieving process in the way that Maverick would have wanted, and not by making yourself sick with guilt.

 

[AGBF]

Date: 12/5/2007 12:23:57 AM
Author: Harleigh

I hate so much to admit that I am still having a difficult time.

You just lost him, Harleigh! How could you be over it already? Remember to give yourself a year...and that does not mean you will never be sad after that year has passed! Let yourself grieve. Whom are you hurting by grieving?

Hugs,
Deb

 

[Aloros]

Harleigh, I am so so sorry to hear about your Maverick. I lost one of my beloved cats, Amazu, on October 8, and it is still very painful for me and fresh in my mind. It is especially tough around the holidays. He was one of the best things in my life and he is very sorely missed. I often dream about him still being alive, and that makes things harder for me when I wake up.

Please pay no attention to those insensitive people. Some people just don''t understand the way that our pets can worm their way into our hearts. They are our friends and a part of our family. It is natural for you to grieve the loss of a loved one. Anyone who tells you otherwise clearly doesn''t "get it".

I''ve found that every time I feel sad about it, it helps to write out my feelings and to go ahead and cry. I''ve been planning to frame my favorite photograph of him with his nametag, but his photo still makes me sad, so I haven''t yet had the heart to do it. These things take time.

I''m glad to hear you are feeling better, and that you plan to adopt again. I am planning to adopt again as well, when the timing feels right.

I''m sure your Maverick is watching over you right now. Take care.

 

[aljdewey]

Harleigh, I just saw this, and I''m so so sorry for your loss.

Don''t let other people'' opinions affect you, and don''t let them dictate to you when you should be ''over it''.

My parents lost their 10-year old Sheltie to a brain tumor six years ago, and my father STILL isn''t over it. Is he functioning and happy? Yes. But there is a part of him that can still get teary the moment he thinks of Misty.....she was just incredibly special to him, and he still feels her absence even now.