Find your diamond
Find your jewelry
shape
carat
color
clarity

please take me off the list....sighhh....

Status
Not open for further replies. Please create a new topic or request for this thread to be opened.
What is this man doing to be the man of your dreams? That is today''s question, not what you are doing to be the woman of his dreams.
Click to expand...
Agree 1000000%. I''m sorry your going through this! Honestly, no one can read minds and it is not YOUR job to figure out what HIS needs are. If he needs something, then he needs to let you know and you two can discuss it. Relationships require communication and having the other person try to "guess" what you need doesn''t help the communication any. It sounds like a bit of a mind game to me (no offense). It''s like "guess what I need/want. I won''t tell you but you have to guess. Oh, you can''t guess? Ok then, I''m tired of waiting for you to guess so you''re not meeting my needs". If this was my boyfrind and I really thought he was the one, I would sit him down and let him know that I''m not going to play games with him. If he feels like he needs something we need to communicate about it. No one wants to be in a relationship where you''re required to be a psychic.

I agree with the idea that he should be the one pursuing you at this point. When I first met FI, I let him know I was interested and let him pursue me a bit. I wasn''t playing games but I wanted to know he would put effort into our relationship. I''d dated so many guys where I ran around trying to please them and prove to them why we were supposed to be together, that I knew I didn''t want that anymore. Bottom line: relationships require communication AND effort. Without those, there is destined to be conflict and hurt.

Good luck and stay strong!
 
Seriously? He has had you bending over backwards pretty much trying to be perfect for a year in the hopes you might be lucky enough to meet the needs that he won''t tell you about?!? {{{Big hugs Waiting}}} ...give yourself a break now. You sit this man down and you tell him in no uncertain terms that if he wants it, he can man up and ask for it, and until then you will be focusing on YOUR needs. If he forgets how lucky he is to have you? Tough, for him.
 
Date: 11/16/2009 2:01:35 PM
Author: purrfectpear
Well, there's only so many 'needs' that could be wanting IMO.

1. Sex when they want it

2. Listened to and made to believe you hang on their every word

3. Cooking and cleaning

4. Support their job/career like you think they're the next Einstein

Other than that, most men don't have much else they need to make them happy
9.gif
Click to expand...

I'd also add: Get out of the house and earn whatever he thinks is an adequate living. Not every man can afford housewife nowadays. Two incomes are better than one. Even better if one person gets laid off or his/her job is axed.

OP, I'm sorry that things are not working out at the moment. I hope that they do.
 
I am sorry you are going through this.

He is being unreasonable. It should not be up to you to have a crystal ball and figure out what he wants. It seems like a cop out to me. The key to a successful relationship is for a couple to openly communicate their wants and needs to each other. He is expecting too much.
 
I''m very sorry you''re going through this. Honestly though, I have to agree with what others have said... I think he doesn''t know what he wants and is shifting the blame. You deserve better than this...
38.gif
 
I am so sorry. Many hugs to you. A man who makes you jump through hoops for him but is unwilling to work with you is not the right one for you. How can he tell you that you don''t meet his needs, yet won''t tell you what your needs are??? That''s completely unfair to you. Many many hugs to you.
 
Aw, I''m sorry WP. To be told that it is up to you to make the relationship work and figure out how to please your SO is not a healthy thing. Believe me, I speak from experience. You should never have to change yourself into what someone else thinks will work for them, and if your current beau doesn''t appreciate you for everything you are and everything you do, then I think you should consider finding a replacement for him. No one is perfect, and good relationships are about acceptance, but it is unhealthy to expect your partner to be a mind reader. Would you seriously stay friends with someone who couldn''t communicate with you effectively (like your SO) and told you that you needed to figure out exactly what THEY needed out of the friendship? Probably not...this isn''t reasonable behavior from your SO. It''s childish and selfish. If anyone needs to figure things out, it''s him.
 
Oh I''m so sorry. That''s just horrible. How are you supposed to read his mind? I''ll echo the ladies above, it''s unfair to you if he expects you to magically know what he wants. Communication is very important in a serious relationship, and it seems he has a problem with it. I hope everything works out for the best, Hugs!
 
wow. i''m totally overwhelmed by all the support i feel from this community. thank you...

we''ve decided not to talk about if for a few days so that we could both get our heads back on straight. i need some time to put my thoughts and true feelings together before trying to talk about it again. i think i''m going to suggest that we continue our talking about this in our pastor''s office. we met in the church and we need some guidance....not to mention, someone to call us out on our crap.

you ladies are right tho...what has he done to make me happy, to meet my needs? i think what he''s doing is worse! he KNOWS what my needs are but he chooses not to meet them just because he''s mad that i''m not meeting his. sighhhh.

i truly believe that we have it in us to make this relationship something really great. we were ridiculously happy for a long time. we just lost that connection somewhere. sigh....i will be absolutely broken if he decides that he doesn''t even want to try....
 
I think meeting with your pastor is a GREAT idea and hopefully will give both of you some clarity. Good luck!
 
Date: 11/17/2009 1:22:56 PM
Author: waitingpatiently
wow. i''m totally overwhelmed by all the support i feel from this community. thank you...


we''ve decided not to talk about if for a few days so that we could both get our heads back on straight. i need some time to put my thoughts and true feelings together before trying to talk about it again. i think i''m going to suggest that we continue our talking about this in our pastor''s office. we met in the church and we need some guidance....not to mention, someone to call us out on our crap.


you ladies are right tho...what has he done to make me happy, to meet my needs? i think what he''s doing is worse! he KNOWS what my needs are but he chooses not to meet them just because he''s mad that i''m not meeting his. sighhhh.


i truly believe that we have it in us to make this relationship something really great. we were ridiculously happy for a long time. we just lost that connection somewhere. sigh....i will be absolutely broken if he decides that he doesn''t even want to try....
Click to expand...

dust and hugs

having the pastor there sounds like a great idea and no matter the outcome you''d better come back and let us know how you''re doing!
 
Meeting with the pastor is a great idea. I think it is really important for you to bring up the issues you addressed here as they seem to be the roadblocks that have stalled the relationship.
 
Having a mediator is a good idea. Let us know how it works out.
 
Date: 11/17/2009 1:22:56 PM
Author: waitingpatiently
wow. i''m totally overwhelmed by all the support i feel from this community. thank you...

we''ve decided not to talk about if for a few days so that we could both get our heads back on straight. i need some time to put my thoughts and true feelings together before trying to talk about it again. i think i''m going to suggest that we continue our talking about this in our pastor''s office. we met in the church and we need some guidance....not to mention, someone to call us out on our crap.

you ladies are right tho...what has he done to make me happy, to meet my needs? i think what he''s doing is worse! he KNOWS what my needs are but he chooses not to meet them just because he''s mad that i''m not meeting his. sighhhh.

i truly believe that we have it in us to make this relationship something really great. we were ridiculously happy for a long time. we just lost that connection somewhere. sigh....i will be absolutely broken if he decides that he doesn''t even want to try....
Click to expand...
I think meeting with your Pastor is an EXCELLENT idea. Having a mediator there to help you sort through *your* needs and *his* needs will really help matters...especially since he doesn''t seem to be able to articulate his needs to you.

And yes, I agree with you that what he''s doing is MUCH worse. He sounds like a pouty five year old who didn''t get his way (no offense). I feel like he needs a reality check and I think your church might just be the place to do that.

Best of luck to you, WP...it sounds like you guys have a great foundation, here''s hoping you can get the rest of the relationship back on top of it.
 
I''ve been married 15 years to an awesome guy; when we started dating 17 years ago we both had that V-8 moment - we smacked our foreheads and said "see, when it''s right it doesn''t have to be THAT hard!" We''d both been through ups and downs in tough relationships. You deserve better. Best of luck!
 
Date: 11/18/2009 10:04:29 AM
Author: motownmama
I''ve been married 15 years to an awesome guy; when we started dating 17 years ago we both had that V-8 moment - we smacked our foreheads and said ''see, when it''s right it doesn''t have to be THAT hard!'' We''d both been through ups and downs in tough relationships. You deserve better. Best of luck!
Click to expand...
This is SO true in my current relationship as well. We both had really tough past relationships. Sometimes I still can''t believe how peaceful everything can really be in a relationship!

OP, please keep us posted on your progress!
 
Date: 11/18/2009 10:17:38 AM
Author: lilyfoot

Date: 11/18/2009 10:04:29 AM
Author: motownmama
I''ve been married 15 years to an awesome guy; when we started dating 17 years ago we both had that V-8 moment - we smacked our foreheads and said ''see, when it''s right it doesn''t have to be THAT hard!'' We''d both been through ups and downs in tough relationships. You deserve better. Best of luck!
Click to expand...
This is SO true in my current relationship as well. We both had really tough past relationships. Sometimes I still can''t believe how peaceful everything can really be in a relationship!

OP, please keep us posted on your progress!
Click to expand...
that''s the thing tho....things were always so great! the first two years of our relationship was a cake walk. i dunno.

i wrote him an email. all this started with an email so i thought i''d reply. last week, after talking with my pastor and feeling conflicted about our relationship for a while, he decided to express himself in an email. as stupid as that sounds, i''m glad he did. he tends to get distracted when we talk face to face sometimes, so he was much more clear in his email. this is what sparked a lot of conversation and he''s not really wanting to budge at all.

he isn''t happy with the way the relationship is right now. his needs aren''t being met. he doesn''t want to break up. i don''t know.

so i wrote him this novel of an email. expressed how i felt very clearly. summing it up, the solution to our problem is better communication. being vulnerable and telling each other what our needs are, as often as they change. now its a matter of does he want to this relationship to work...yes or no...and if so, is he willing to put in the work. (instead of saying "you" and "him" so he doesn''t get defensive...cuz you know....ultimately, this relationship is OURS.)

i laid it all out there. we''re still not gonna talk about it until tomorrow. i want him to think about it for a little bit. at this point, i''ve said what i have to say and the ball''s in his court.

i''m desperately hoping for the best, but i''m starting to emotionally prepare myself for the worst.
 
Date: 11/16/2009 6:14:46 PM
Author: Porridge
Seriously? He has had you bending over backwards pretty much trying to be perfect for a year in the hopes you might be lucky enough to meet the needs that he won''t tell you about?!? {{{Big hugs Waiting}}} ...give yourself a break now. You sit this man down and you tell him in no uncertain terms that if he wants it, he can man up and ask for it, and until then you will be focusing on YOUR needs. If he forgets how lucky he is to have you? Tough, for him.
Click to expand...

Ditto. And giant hugs Waiting.
 
Date: 11/19/2009 9:27:34 AM
Author: waitingpatiently

Date: 11/18/2009 10:17:38 AM
Author: lilyfoot


Date: 11/18/2009 10:04:29 AM
Author: motownmama
I''ve been married 15 years to an awesome guy; when we started dating 17 years ago we both had that V-8 moment - we smacked our foreheads and said ''see, when it''s right it doesn''t have to be THAT hard!'' We''d both been through ups and downs in tough relationships. You deserve better. Best of luck!
Click to expand...
This is SO true in my current relationship as well. We both had really tough past relationships. Sometimes I still can''t believe how peaceful everything can really be in a relationship!

OP, please keep us posted on your progress!
Click to expand...
that''s the thing tho....things were always so great! the first two years of our relationship was a cake walk. i dunno.

i wrote him an email. all this started with an email so i thought i''d reply. last week, after talking with my pastor and feeling conflicted about our relationship for a while, he decided to express himself in an email. as stupid as that sounds, i''m glad he did. he tends to get distracted when we talk face to face sometimes, so he was much more clear in his email. this is what sparked a lot of conversation and he''s not really wanting to budge at all.

he isn''t happy with the way the relationship is right now. his needs aren''t being met. he doesn''t want to break up. i don''t know.

so i wrote him this novel of an email. expressed how i felt very clearly. summing it up, the solution to our problem is better communication. being vulnerable and telling each other what our needs are, as often as they change. now its a matter of does he want to this relationship to work...yes or no...and if so, is he willing to put in the work. (instead of saying ''you'' and ''him'' so he doesn''t get defensive...cuz you know....ultimately, this relationship is OURS.)

i laid it all out there. we''re still not gonna talk about it until tomorrow. i want him to think about it for a little bit. at this point, i''ve said what i have to say and the ball''s in his court.

i''m desperately hoping for the best, but i''m starting to emotionally prepare myself for the worst.
Click to expand...
waitingpatiently, the ball is NEVER in one persons court in a relationship. Every relationship takes TWO people to show up, be there, and be accountable for their actions. He is NOT "being there" in your relationship, he is not being accountable for his actions. It is purely ridiculous for him to try to tell you you''re not meeting his needs .. but yet he won''t tell you how to meet them .. but he doesn''t want to break up with you either? He''s completely contradicting himself.

I don''t feel he''s being fair to you, or to your relationship. I really hope you guys figure everything out when you talk. But honestly, after 12+ months of not being good enough for someone, I''d be ready to walk.
38.gif
It''s obvious that you love him, and put his happiness before yours. It''s obvious he''s not doing the same for you!

Sorry if this sounds harsh, I''m just getting ticked for you .. you deserve better!
 
we''re gonna meet up and talk tonight. please keep you fingers crossed for us!!

i know "dust" is usually for engagements...but please send lots and lots of relationship dust over this way!

thanks....
 
DUST!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
**DUST**
 
**Dust**
 
***Open communication dust***
 
I''m sending as much dust as it''s possible to send! I can''t add anything to what the girls have already said, just that I can sympathise with this horrible waiting period, where your heart s permanently in your throat. *HUGS*

H and I are going through a bit of a rough patch at the moment, I''m fighting against a fall into depression, but anytime it''s hard we both say that we''ve got too much of a good thing to give up just because of a blip. Make sure you establish with him if this is how you both feel. His attitude over the past year may not seem like a blip, but there can be other factors at play. I am by NO MEANS advocating his behaviour, I think it''s a disgusting way to treat someone you say you love. Just playing devil''s advocate.

So much love, and all the hugs I can muster

P
xxxxxxxxxx
 
thankssss for all the love ladies!

we actually had a lot of great communication this weekend and decided to take a little break. i think he needs space to sort things out in his head/heart and i need to re-evaluate what i really want, too. we haven''t broken up but we''re just giving each other space and room to breath. i think it will be good for both of us. we''ll see what happens.
 
Date: 11/23/2009 10:40:24 AM
Author: waitingpatiently
thankssss for all the love ladies!

we actually had a lot of great communication this weekend and decided to take a little break. i think he needs space to sort things out in his head/heart and i need to re-evaluate what i really want, too. we haven''t broken up but we''re just giving each other space and room to breath. i think it will be good for both of us. we''ll see what happens.
Click to expand...
wp, that''s great news! I know breaks can be tough, but it''s good to know you both recognized that you just need a little space and some time to think. I''m glad you haven''t broken up, but hopefully this break will give you the space you need to figure things out.

More ***DUST*** to you! 3root>
 
I hope everything works out well for the two of you, whether that means you''re together or not. Good luck with everything!
 
Status
Not open for further replies. Please create a new topic or request for this thread to be opened.
GET 3 FREE HCA RESULTS JOIN THE FORUM. ASK FOR HELP
Jewelry Blog
PriceScope-Concierge-Ad
Find prime cuts.
Top