Poll: To Change Or Not To Change? That Is The Question...

[canadiangrrl]

Let''s try this again (thanks Mara!)

Are you going to change your surname when you get married, or did you change it already? Are you going to keep your own name, or did you already? Vote!

 

[hoorray]

I tried to keep my name for business, and use his name socially, and that just confused everyone. I worked in a fairly conservative company at the time, and everyone just assumed I would change it, so I had to continually correct them back. It became more trouble than it was worth, so I finally just bit the bullet and changed it. 17 years later, I'm completely happy about that decision. We're a family and a team, and it's nice to have the same name. (We never considered hyphenating them as the combo was not a good one.) But...it was a tough decision at the time. Your name is part of your identity, and I'm not sure most guys understand what a big change it is.

 

[Mara]

I have no problem at all changing my name...my name has gotten me this far and served me well, but for the rest of my life a new name sounds fun!

Plus I get to perfect a whole new signature.

I don't have any hangups about giving up my name or taking his. I really like his last name...but maybe I would feel differently if it was something like Sneomochneichbirgir.




Now this sounds really silly and girly, but I kind of get a thrill thinking that we will soon share the same last name, and our invitations and cards to us will be added to us both with the same name. Kind of fun...esp since for the last year all our mail comes with our diff names. Plus not to mention our house will be the X residence and our kids..etc. It seems right to have us share a name.




To each their own--my mom hyphenated and then later kept her original name professionally and took his socially etc. I always thought that was the hugest pain!! To keep all of that straight. Not to mention when I called her school to ask for her, I never could remember what she called herself.

Those that do not make ANY sense to me...which I have heard about more and more often recently--are those who don't take his name or her name, but rather create an entirely NEW name either out of bits and pieces of their two names, or a completely new name with nothing from the original names. Now what exactly is the point of THAT??

 

[canadiangrrl]

I am torn on the whole issue.

I want to keep my own name, period. He keeps his, any future progeny get his. Simple. Done by most of my friends and family.

I mentioned this by-the-by to Mr. Canadiangrrl, thinking it wouldn't be an issue at all. He's military, but he's progressive. And he surprised the hell out of me by going all Y chromosome on me...he wants me to change my name to his. No real rational reason - he just does.

I explained to him that although I am hardly at the pinnacle of success, I am known within my industry by my own name. I have been in the same industry for nine years, dammit! He listened thoughtfully, and then said, "I hear you. I still want you to change your name."

I may end up hypenating, and my name and his actually sound good together. This, to him, is a suitable compromise. I personally think that compromise is overrated at times, because it means that neither party gets what they really want. Sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and give in. So I dunno....

 

[Mara]

Greg would have a fit if I decided to not change my name. Sometimes when people ask us about it, he says OF COURSE she is changing her name. Whatever...its no skin off my back, it makes him happy....fine. But sometimes when I feel evil I tell him that he should take MY name. That makes him twitch. HA!

Esp since he's the only boy to carry on the last name....so we have to have kids (DAMN)

 

[ccuheartnurse]

I'll be changing my name when I get married. As open & liberal as my fiance is, there is no way in hell he would let me keep my name. In the end, I dont care. I'm simply known as "nurse" at work anyway.

I'm thinking that in the end, its just going to be easier than trying to keep 2 names or hyphenating my name. My cousin kept her name & I think to this day, 17 yrs later, she still has trouble explaining that her husband & children have different names. I dont see that its worth that much aggrivation. Canadiangrrl, did you know in Quebec that its common for women to keep their maiden names & considered strange if they take on their husbands name. Maybe you can tell your fiance that you're really French Canadian & thats how its done in Quebec. He might buy it?!

Judy


Mara, if you're silly then so am I. I like the idea of having OUR name on invites & such.

 

[glitterata]

I have to say I'm shocked to hear that men are insisting on their wives taking their names when the women want to keep their own names. I would never marry a man who didn't respect my decision about something that vital to my identity. If it matters so much to the man that he and his wife share a name, why doesn't he change his?

And don't get me started on the relatives who assume I'm now Mrs. Him!

I agree sharing a name can be a sweet, intimate experience, if you both want to do it that way. But both people have to want it--and even then, why should it automatically be HER name that disappears?

And then there's the divorce rate. Anyone out there want to share a story about being stuck with some jerk's name on your driver's license?

 

[Mara]

Let me clarify...in no way does Greg force me to take his name...it was just something that was implied and I agree with...so when people ask about that, I think he tends to think that they are California liberals or something. He's very East Coast and traditional. He thinks all of us Californians are fruitcakes..

. I have no emotional ties to my name...it's just a name. Also, changing my name does not change who I *am*...I'll still be me with or without a new name. My mom will still be able to point out all the 'great traits' that we got as a result of being one of her kids...hee hee.




If I told him..look I want to hyphenate or something--he wouldn't disagree but I'd have to have a good reason. Otherwise I'd just be a fruity liberal Californian...hee hee.

Glitter...way to be a pessimist! Divorce already?! hehehe

 

[glitterata]

Sorry, Mara, I didn't mean to sound harsh. OF COURSE you should change your name if that's what you both want. And OF COURSE you'll still be yourself.

I just object to the automatic assumption that the woman SHOULD change her name, and that she needs a "good reason" not to. To me, it's the other way around: there should be a good reason to do it. If you're satisfied with your reasons, that's great. If another woman isn't, she shouldn't be expected to change her name.

About the whole divorce issue: Of course, nobody goes into marriage expecting to get divorced, but it does happen pretty frequently.I have lots of divorced friends and relatives, and the ones who changed their names regret it deeply. Some of them are now mildly famous in a small way by the name of somebody they don't want to be associated with.

Actually, my husband (whom I fully expect to be married to until death do us part) would have been freaked out if I'd wanted to take his name. He would probably have agreed to it if he thought that was what I really wanted, but I know it would have made him uncomfortable. We considered picking an in-between name for about five minutes, but that seemed too silly, so we both stuck to what we'd started with.

 

[ccuheartnurse]

Whoa Relax! This isnt an issue of making a decision to marry or not marry the guy simply because he wants you to have his name. I couldnt give 2 figs about my last name. Therefor, changing it is absolutely no big deal to me. My fiance on the other hand, really wants me to take his name & cant wait for that day. Good for him if he wants to be old fashioned, lucky for both of us I dont care. I dont have a career with a reputation I've built with my name. I said, I'm simply known as "nurse". hahaha If my name was linked to my success, I'd keep it cause then it would be a big deal. As for identity, I'm still me & believe me, there's only one of me.
As for the divorced issue with the jerks last name on your drivers license, why cant those women change their names back? I've never been in that position, but I understand it requires a fee & boom, you're back to your original self.

Judy

 

[diamond dazed]

I am one of the "I changed my name" votes. It wasn't an easy decision for me -- at times I still kind of miss it.

We're from relatively small (Nebraska) towns, and often times people will find out your name (if it's unique and not "Smith" or "Jones") and ask if you're related to so-and-so down in where ever. My husband was not close to his extended family, and so I have no idea whom he's related to. My family, though, was close and it was always fun finding someone who knew someone,etc. It's a small thing, I know.

Now that we have kids, I am glad we all have one name. In this day, there are many kids from first marriages, and it does confuse people when the kids have just the dad's name (the initial thought is -- maybe they're just his). We are a committed, close, in-it-for-the-long-haul family and I am proud of that -- having the same last name does give that appearance -- I like what someone said about it's a "team name." Nice way to put it.

Marriage is tough, and divorce does happen, but I think it would be frightening to go into a marriage where the escape route was already being thought of/planned for.

Kris

 

[diamondlil]

I also changed my name to his. I like the idea of moving the maiden name to the middle name and taking his for the last (my mother did this), but in my case, it sounded strange so I dropped my old name completely. My parents were not offended. I think my husband would have been offended if I chose not to use his name at all.

How about hyphenating the two. Wouldn't that maintain one's pre-marriage identity?




I do agree in the case of children, it is less confusing to have one "team" name.

Diamondlil

 

[Roxy]

I am another one of the "I changed my name" votes, and I couldn't imagine it any other way.

My husband left it up to me to decide what I wanted to do with "my" name because I'd been a professional for quite a few years and was known in my field by my maiden name. I gladly took his name, and now I'm known in my field with his surname (hee hee).

Glitterata had a really good point about it being a woman's personal decision whether to keep her name or take her husbands (or hyphenate). I don't think a man should force a woman to go one way or another, but I also don't think that other women should make someone feel guilty about wanting to take their husbands name either (that's what I faced from some of my co-workers).

I was actually happy to have my husband's last name, and am proud to be "Mrs. His", but many of my co-workers gave me a tough time when they found out that I was planning to change my name.

Are any of you getting pressure from "outsiders" one way or another? Or is that a whole "other" story???

 

[fire&ice]

I didn't vote either way. It was a non-issue. I never offically changed my name at the Social Security office. I went by first, maiden & his last name. Well, at least it was a non-issue until about 2 years ago. The IRS would not allow *my* personal deduction (as wittled away as it is). If I fill out our tax returns by my maiden name, I had to provide a marriage cert. What a mess. I finally went to the s.s. office and officially changed my name to first, maiden & his last name. Pissed me off.

Anyway, from this old practical broad - change it - it makes your life easier. At the end of the day, it also came down to an issue of Social Security - easier transition if hubby dies & visa versa.

That said, my old friends just call me by my maiden name (it became a nickname). Sometimes I wonder if they remember my first name. Hubby even calls me that. Funny though, in my business he writes Mr. Fire & Ice on his name tag. He doesn't care.

Canadiangirl, this may sound harsh; BUT, there are so many other issues to deal with in marriage. Pick your battles. It makes your life easier to change it. He wants you to. While it may seem like a transcending issue, it's just not a big deal. Regardless, people will recognize your name. I don't hypenate mine. It's just how I am legally recognized. Besides, I never liked my given middle name anyway.

 

[hoorray]

I agree with F&I. At the end of the day it is soooo much easier for so many reasons. My sister kept her name, and her toddler kids just don't get it. They want her name to be the same as theirs.

My husband is ex-Air Force, and it was surprisingly important to him -- who knows why?!. I kept my maiden name as my middle name (my parents actually planned for that and didn't give us middle names, if you can believe that!). People adjusted to my changed name quickly, and I didn't lose any momentum career-wise, but maybe you should consider the hypenated name as a transition to help educate those you don't see frequently.

And...Glitterata...I keep threatening to return the mail that my mother sends to Mrs. his name! Drives me nuts.....

 

[canadiangrrl]

I didn't have the same last name as my Mum, and it never confused me.

Two of my sisters have children - they all have their father's names - they appear to be sane and well-adjusted.

I'm not getting any pressure from anyone other than myself.

Although my family would think it was odd if I changed my name - they know me better than that.

Mr. Canadiangrrl isn't pressuring me, either - he has simply made his desire known.

Allow me to elaborate. It's not so much about the career thing, although that does play a part. It's about identity, and to me, my name is a part of that. I am giving up a great deal to marry my fiance - my house, my country, my car, my job, ready access to my friends and family - things that I cherish, relationships I've worked hard to build, stuff I've busted my butt to get. And I am doing this willingly, because I love him more than anything on this planet. But I am not prepared to give up my name. That's the bottom line.

 

[glitterata]

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On 11/18/2003 10:16:49 AM fire&ice wrote:

Canadiangirl, this may sound harsh; BUT, there are so many other issues to deal with in marriage. Pick your battles. It makes your life easier to change it. He wants you to. While it may seem like a transcending issue, it's just not a big deal. ----------------

But Fire&Ice, it IS a big deal to Canadiangrrl. Isn't it up to the person to decide for herself whether it's a big deal to her? Think what a big deal it would seem to the guy if his fiancee expected him to change his name.

Hyphenation wouldn't work for me. My friends who have tried it say it's hard to convince anyone to use your hyphenated name, so you end up being called by one name or the other, inconsistantly, and nobody can find you in the phone book or the doctor's records.

 

[Mara]

Funny anecdote about the hyphen issue...it always cracks me up when two people get married and aren't of the same race and decide to hyphenate their names.




At my old company we had two hispanic girls who married white boys (hah it must be going around!) and they hyphenated their names. I just always cracked up when I was reading their names because it sounded SO weird. There was Ramos-Smith and Olmos-Dobbs. I mean can you get any more hispanic than Ramos or any more white than Smith? Stereotypically that is.




So I always mentally thought--no way am I doing that if I marry a white boy (!)...hee hee. Thank goodness. Our names would sound pretty darn weird together if I decided to hyphen.

 

[fuffi]

I got married in May with every intention of changing my name (my husband has one of those great old historically important American names) but the reality of a day at the Social Security office, followed by a day at the DMV, renewing my passport, related fees for the aforementioned, submitting forms to a multitude of financial institutions and praying that nobody screws anything up, was just way too daunting. My friend started the process last year and gave up. She just didn't have the time.

I guess it's much easier to do when you're very young and your life doesn't have so much red tape.

Canadiangirl- there is nothing wrong or unusual about keeping your name. It's an important part of who you are and nobody should make you feel guilty about that. Your story reminds me of my mom. Cuban women don't change their names when they marry. When my parents emigrated many years ago, my mom was told at processing that she HAD to change her name to my dad's. She was appalled. She had the same thoughts as you. She was giving up her country, her family and all she knew to stay with my father. She couldn't believe she had to leave her name behind too.

 

[antiquediamond]

Wow, this poll stirred things up around here!
I am going to take his name
a. because I want to
and b. because all I'd be keeping is the name my mom took from my dad. Not exactly making a statment there.
I will make my last name my middle name, however...I'm not exactly attached to the middle name "Ann"

 

[fire&ice]

Do what you want. But, it is easier to assume the name of your husband; and do it legally at the Social Security office. Lots of stuff comes up w/ the name matching the SS name.

It's not that I don't understand what you are saying. It took me close to two decades to change my name legally. That said, as someone who was first name, maiden name for a long time, it was no big deal in the end. In fact, my hubby made me a card announcing my new name - kind of like a birth announcement.

 

[fire&ice]

BTW, I sign all documents, most stationary & most forms. First name, maiden name, hubby name. That *is* who I am - past & present.

What would he say to you doing this? Might be a good compromise.

Also, in the US, it is viewed as more customary. And, in a conservative "industry" may be viewed as politically correct.

 

[aljdewey]

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On 11/18/2003 12:34:30 PM canadiangrrl wrote:

I am giving up a great deal to marry my fiance - my house, my country, my car, my job, ready access to my friends and family - things that I cherish, relationships I've worked hard to build, stuff I've busted my butt to get. And I am doing this willingly, because I love him more than anything on this planet. But I am not prepared to give up my name. That's the bottom line.

----------------

*******

Have you explained it to him that way? Compromise is about both parties making concessions for the common good....not about one party making all the concessions. In his *boy* way, he may conveniently not think about those things you're giving up as concessions.

A perspective on the identity issue, though: Your name at present identifies you as you....and you means yourself as an individual. It doesn't identify you as a wife, a mother, a partner, etc....it identifies you simply as an individual. We really all change our identities throughout life, and I think of this name change as a way to redefine my expanded self to the world.

Changing one's name shouldn't be seen as negating all that you've been to date. At one point, we were all defined as "children"....and then we grew up and we changed our identification to "adult". It doesn't change where we came from, who we are, or what we value. It just helps others better understand how we all fit.

I think it's important to men because it signifies that we aren't holding back; that we are entering the marriage with our whole selves. My BF joked about name-changing the first time the subject came up but was quick to clarify that he was fine either way....if I took it or if I didn't. But truthfully, he's pleased that I want to change it, and we aren't even planning to have a family.

My best friend tried the whole hypenated thing, but it amounted to a six-inch long signature which was a pain in the neck at the checkout counters on checks/credit slips. When the kids came along, that was the final straw....it's easier for others (teachers, health care workers, etc.) to immediately and easily identify your relationship to your children.

Hope you find a comfortable solution!

 

[fire&ice]

----------------
On 11/18/2003 5:26:10 PM aljdewey wrote:

----------------

A perspective on the identity issue, though: Your name at present identifies you as you....and you means yourself as an individual. It doesn't identify you as a wife, a mother, a partner, etc....it identifies you simply as an individual. We really all change our identities throughout life, and I think of this name change as a way to redefine my expanded self to the world.

Changing one's name shouldn't be seen as negating all that you've been to date. At one point, we were all defined as 'children'....and then we grew up and we changed our identification to 'adult'. It doesn't change where we came from, who we are, or what we value. It just helps others better understand how we all fit.

quote]


That's what I was trying to say. And in a strange way, why it was such a non-issue to me.

In my case I am fortunate that my "full" name fits on most forms. It's relatively short.

 

[diamondlil]

Fuffi raises a good point: "It is much easier to change your name when you are young and your life doesn't have as much red tape." I got married at 21. Not much "red tape" at that point. I can understand a woman who is a little older or a professional well known in the community finding it difficult to give up her name/identity. Moving the maiden name to the middle name would be a reasonable compromise I think.




To even really confuse people, I have a lady in my neighborhood who took her husband's name as her middle name and kept her own last name. I've never had a discussion with the couple about this, but at community functions I've heard him accidentally called Mr. (her last name) on numerous occasions. Doesn't seem to annoy him, but he certainly will correct you on it.

Diamondlil

 

[hoorray]

At the end of the day, you have to feel good about whatever you decide. You can always change it in the future if you want to, or not!

. I decided to after a year or 2, and I'm happy that I did, but I know many people who have kept their own name, and are happy about that too. You should probably have a pretty open discussion about this w/ Mr. CG. When I resisted changing my name, my husband felt bad about it, and everytime it came up, (which is a lot), he was reminded about it. Better to go into a marriage with all the cards well understood. There are bigger issues to have to deal with than a name!

Good luck with whatever you decide.

 

[canadiangrrl]

Look, I realize that there are far bigger issues to deal with in a marriage. And I don't wanna get all Women's Studies 101 here and go off on some tangent about equality, property rights, and the rule of thumb, so I'll just say that I am what I am, Sam I am, and my name's a part of that.

I don't see too many guys marking the passage of marriage by changing their names. And it's killing me not to type anything about how historically, economically, and sociologically speaking, marriage benefits men far more than it does women, and nothing really changes for them, it changes for the woman, so I'm just not going to do it, I won't.

I talked to Mr. CG earlier this evening. He said, "Jesus H., are you still on about this? Listen, it doesn't matter, you can call yourself Scooby Effing Doo if you want, seriously."

I lurve him.

 

[Mara]

----------------
On 11/18/2003 7:33:11 PM canadiangrrl wrote:




marriage benefits men far more than it does women,


----------------

You must not live in California...HA HA

Community property baby!!!!

 

[hoorray]

Good going for Mr. CG.

. Now just enjoy your name and the big changes ahead of you.

 

[daboyzmomi]

ROFLMAO Mara!

I always tell the hubby " It's cheaper to keep her baby!" Even with the price of diamonds,,,hehehehe