Post Your Modern Etiquette Questions Here

[Petalouda]

Is it ok to not RSVP nowadays? RSVPing has become easier than ever but it seems there is a trend of people never replying. Also, you're considered as "fishing" for a thank you when you follow up to see if a gift was received. I'm an older millennial and I've noticed this change towards just no communication over time. The previous generations have told me they noticed it too. It is what it is but it's a shame at the same time. Communication and manners help bind us as a society.

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

sitting on a table
putting your bottom where we eat

or putting shoes on furnture, weather it be the couch or the bed
my dad and my mum's dad were both furniture makers
so big no-nos

sometimes i would come home so tired when i first started work i would fall asleep on my bed fully dressed, but my feet always hung off the edge so my boots wouldnt get on the bed

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

Is it ok to not RSVP nowadays? RSVPing has become easier than ever but it seems there is a trend of people never replying. Also, you're considered as "fishing" for a thank you when you follow up to see if a gift was received. I'm an older millennial and I've noticed this change towards just no communication over time. The previous generations have told me they noticed it too. It is what it is but it's a shame at the same time. Communication and manners help bind us as a society.

i dont think this is new (Generation x-er here)
i was brought up to always write thank you letters when my great aunts sent me a gift or even a card
the day after my very large 21st birthday party i was writting thank yous (paid for the postage myself) yet my cousins never sent thank yous after any of theirs which my mother thought was rude

,,,so those cousins had a history of never gettint presents from the great aunties

 

[missy]

Is it ok to not RSVP nowadays? RSVPing has become easier than ever but it seems there is a trend of people never replying. Also, you're considered as "fishing" for a thank you when you follow up to see if a gift was received. I'm an older millennial and I've noticed this change towards just no communication over time. The previous generations have told me they noticed it too. It is what it is but it's a shame at the same time. Communication and manners help bind us as a society.

I don't think it's OK at all.
I am a Gen X and I always RSVP'd. I don't think poor communication is ever OK.
I feel it is in part due to technology.

I grew up without mobile phones and without constant ways to keep in touch. But ironically we kept better in touch in those days than now IMO.

People who grew up wth mobile phones and texting as the norm versus just picking up a phone and calling someone to speak to them...I feel those of us who grew up without texting are better communicators as a whole than those whose fallback for communication is to text. Just my observation.

I am not saying this is 100% true across the board but I do feel younger generations do not do face to face or call to call communication as well as those of us who did not have this modern technology when we were younger. And in my younger days no one did not RSVP in my experience. That would have been considered quite rude.

 

[Piper70]

Wedding etiquette question. We received a Save the Date a while back for a November wedding. We have not received the actual invitation and it’s 2 months away. We have terrible mail service often getting other people’s mail and ours going to the wrong house. Assuming the invitation was mailed, should I reach out and ask? I don’t want it to look like I’m not responding.

 

[Slickk]

Wedding etiquette question. We received a Save the Date a while back for a November wedding. We have not received the actual invitation and it’s 2 months away. We have terrible mail service often getting other people’s mail and ours going to the wrong house. Assuming the invitation was mailed, should I reach out and ask? I don’t want it to look like I’m not responding.

I think standard is mailing invites two months in advance giving one month for RSVPs to arrive one month prior to the big day.

 

[elizat]

Wedding etiquette question. We received a Save the Date a while back for a November wedding. We have not received the actual invitation and it’s 2 months away. We have terrible mail service often getting other people’s mail and ours going to the wrong house. Assuming the invitation was mailed, should I reach out and ask? I don’t want it to look like I’m not responding.

Current wedding "rules" are that invites are mailed 6 weeks before, unless it's a destination wedding. I'd wait another 2 weeks and then ask.

 

[missy]

Wedding etiquette question. We received a Save the Date a while back for a November wedding. We have not received the actual invitation and it’s 2 months away. We have terrible mail service often getting other people’s mail and ours going to the wrong house. Assuming the invitation was mailed, should I reach out and ask? I don’t want it to look like I’m not responding.

Another idea. Are you close to the couple? If you speak to her or him before you receive the invite you could ask when are you sending out the invite? I think that’s a fair and fine question. It shows you are interested and care.

 

[Piper70]

Current wedding "rules" are that invites are mailed 6 weeks before, unless it's a destination wedding. I'd wait another 2 weeks and then ask.

The wedding is being held where they live but it’s a destination/travel wedding for most of the guests. Most invitations we have received are 3-4 months out. We just attended a wedding last weekend where they asked for the RSVP’s 2 months prior to the date.
This has actually happened to us before in 2018. Our invitation to a friend’s son’s wedding got lost in the mail so she texted me to find out if we were coming. I’ll wait another week and then ask.

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

Wedding etiquette question. We received a Save the Date a while back for a November wedding. We have not received the actual invitation and it’s 2 months away. We have terrible mail service often getting other people’s mail and ours going to the wrong house. Assuming the invitation was mailed, should I reach out and ask? I don’t want it to look like I’m not responding.

yes
just beacsue the the mail is terrible
reach out

 

[Piper70]

yes
just beacsue the the mail is terrible
reach out

The invitation arrived on Friday! All good!

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

What about kissing as a greeting...or to say goodbye?

cheers--Sharon

 

[Mreader]

HI:

What about kissing as a greeting...or to say goodbye?

cheers--Sharon

Do you mean like the French bisous on the cheek? I think it depends on where you live. I lived in New Orleans and it was very common to greet each other this way. I currently live in an area with a Hispanic majority and also normal to greet and say bye like this. But if I did it in Nashville haha I think ppl would think it odd or pretentious.

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

HI:

What about kissing as a greeting...or to say goodbye?

cheers--Sharon

its all too European
we come from tradionally British stock
although i do see the royal family greeting each other like this - mind you they are related

 

[GliderPoss]

I think many common polite manners are missing these days and children often seem to rule the roost instead of deference to adults. As a child I wouldn't dream of sitting whilst an adult was standing around, nor calling them by their first name!
Public music also not cool - earphones are cheap & plentiful. I don't need to hear your phone conversation nor horrid music.

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

I think many common polite manners are missing these days and children often seem to rule the roost instead of deference to adults. As a child I wouldn't dream of sitting whilst an adult was standing around, nor calling them by their first name!
Public music also not cool - earphones are cheap & plentiful. I don't need to hear your phone conversation nor horrid music.

have you tried sharing the footpath with a kid on a scooter ?
i have recently had two unpleasent encounters

 

[RMOO]

Wedding etiquette question - Is it now acceptable to not give an unmarried guest to your wedding a "plus 1", because you don't think she is dating anyone seriously? My daughter has received two such invitations in recent years. In one case, by the time the wedding occurred she was dating one gentleman regularly.

Edited to say that she is in her early 30's.

 

[HGar]

At our wedding - we had been dating 14yrs and were in our early 30’s - we didn’t invite anyone’s partner that we hadn’t met regularly. So my husband’s cousins who we knew well were invited but as we hadn’t met their boyfriends, they were not included. If they weren’t important enough to be invited to Christmas - Easter - family funerals, then we chose not to include them at our special day. Same went for my single cousin. We had a small wedding of 75 including the bridal party which we were paying for ourselves so didn’t see the need to have any superfluous guests there.

 

[foxinsox]

Wedding etiquette question - Is it now acceptable to not give an unmarried guest to your wedding a "plus 1", because you don't think she is dating anyone seriously? My daughter has received two such invitations in recent years. In one case, by the time the wedding occurred she was dating one gentleman regularly.

Edited to say that she is in her early 30's.

For our wedding, my overseas-based cousin asked if she could bring her random friend, who we’d never met, so she could combine wedding plus catching up while she was in town.

 

[missy]

Wedding etiquette question - Is it now acceptable to not give an unmarried guest to your wedding a "plus 1", because you don't think she is dating anyone seriously? My daughter has received two such invitations in recent years. In one case, by the time the wedding occurred she was dating one gentleman regularly.

Edited to say that she is in her early 30's.

I think as hosts to your wedding (from the bride and groom perspective) it is one's responsibility to be a good host.

To me, that involves making one's guests feel comfortable. If that means allowing your guests to have a partner/friend/ come to the wedding so be it. IMO. Otherwise you are asking them to come alone and perhaps feel out of place if everyone else is partnered up. JMO of course and I know other's feel differently about this issue.

I always say be a gracious host and that means doing all you can to make sure your guests have a good time at your party/wedding.

 

[missy]

For our wedding, my overseas-based cousin asked if she could bring her random friend, who we’d never met, so she could combine wedding plus catching up while she was in town.

That is different and in that case I would probably say no. Especially if she put it that way. That's a bit rude IMO and different than helping one's guests not feel out of place at your wedding.

 

[kadean]

Wedding etiquette question - Is it now acceptable to not give an unmarried guest to your wedding a "plus 1", because you don't think she is dating anyone seriously? My daughter has received two such invitations in recent years. In one case, by the time the wedding occurred she was dating one gentleman regularly.

Edited to say that she is in her early 30's.

I noticed this was popular “advice” when we were planning our wedding recently and I think its rude and inconsiderate to ask people to travel and attend alone without the option of bringing a friend/date. We just had a destination wedding in early September and we gave every single guest a plus one and included guest’s children to make it easier on them (plus we love kids and the photos of kids at weddings are always my favorites!).

I noticed it’s currently popular to have “kid free” wedding (with 0 or minimal exceptions). Yesterday my brother in law told me his fiancé is in a wedding, today, that is “childfree”, but they still want his fiancé’s son to be ring bearer. So the couple asked BIL and his fiancé to bring her son for the ceremony and find someone to watch him for the reception. They had another friend do the same thing, asking BIL’s fiance’s son to be in wedding but excluding him from reception, recently at an out of town wedding and BIL had to sit most of the wedding out with their new baby and his fiancé ‘s son.

I think a lot of people get way too caught up in the “it’s my day” mentality and lose sight of the things that actually matter. We had a few guests bring a friend or a date and one guest brought their dad, who knew the groom since he was a child, and I thought it was great!

 

[foxinsox]

That is different and in that case I would probably say no. Especially if she put it that way. That's a bit rude IMO and different than helping one's guests not feel out of place at your wedding.

If it was someone she was seeing, even if not seriously, they’d have been fine. And if it was one of her friends that I’d met, that would have been fine. But it was genuinely just her wanting to have one event do double duty. As it was I think she spent most of her time drinking with another cousin.

 

[YadaYadaYada]

If anyone wanted either of my children to be ring bearer but then excluded them from the reception, I would tell them absolutely not. People are not props, either invite children to both or don’t have them at all, you can’t have your cake and eat it too.

I’m not against childfree weddings but I am against using people to satisfy someone’s ego.

 

[Petalouda]

I think I was in the minority when I got married because I allowed kids at my wedding and plus ones; most weddings I attended did not. I can see both sides to it all. I liked the idea of allowing kids because I see a wedding as part of the circle of life and it made it fun to have people of all ages. However, I’ve been to some weddings where kids are ignored, or bored, or are clearly bothered by loud music and that’s no fun for anyone. Also, there were people at my wedding as plus ones that I never saw again and it does make me feel a little bit weird they attended one of the most intimate days of my life.

I can understand why a bride doesn’t want people she doesn’t know there. One of my best friends for her second wedding didn’t allow any plus ones that weren’t known. It was both hers and her husbands second wedding and they wanted it very small and intimate as both are private people. One of her friends threw a fit about it as she had broken up with her boyfriend recently and didn’t want to come alone and was told she can’t bring a new guy. However this friend in particular had mutual friends that showed up to the wedding as well so she wasn’t totally isolated.

 

[Petalouda]

If anyone wanted either of my children to be ring bearer but then excluded them from the reception, I would tell them absolutely not. People are not props, either invite children to both or don’t have them at all, you can’t have your cake and eat it too.

I’m not against childfree weddings but I am against using people to satisfy someone’s ego.

+1 I’m sure the bride wasn’t thinking it through but it is rude to exclude the same children from the reception.

 

[elizat]

Wedding etiquette question - Is it now acceptable to not give an unmarried guest to your wedding a "plus 1", because you don't think she is dating anyone seriously? My daughter has received two such invitations in recent years. In one case, by the time the wedding occurred she was dating one gentleman regularly.

Edited to say that she is in her early 30's.

My understanding is that unlss when the invite was issued, if the person was not a serious partner, it's okay to not extend a plus one. If they didn't know of the partner because that person was not a part of their circle and/or it wasn't a longer relationship at the time, my understanding is that this is okay as long as they are not wedding party, super close, etc., but is a case by case thing.

https://www.theknot.com/content/allowing-single-guests-to-bring-date

 

[elizat]

+1 I’m sure the bride wasn’t thinking it through but it is rude to exclude the same children from the reception.

Agree. If they were in the wedding, they go to the ceremony.

I think it's up to the couple if they want a child free party, and they can expect their guests to either be okay with it or not attend. Some weddings are probably not great for kids- I'm thinking very formal black tie or smaller events that are still on the formal side, with live bands, etc. It's really up to the couple and the guests may get mad, and not come, but it's their choice. I can understand not wanting to make your black tie wedding with a live band though, a place for kids to run around and have chicken fingers and fries for food though! It may not fit the vision they have and that's fine, but some people may decline- just like destination weddings.

 

[seaurchin]

Wedding etiquette question - Is it now acceptable to not give an unmarried guest to your wedding a "plus 1", because you don't think she is dating anyone seriously? My daughter has received two such invitations in recent years. In one case, by the time the wedding occurred she was dating one gentleman regularly.

Edited to say that she is in her early 30's.

My understanding is that only spouses, fiances and the equivalent (long term partners without papers for ex.) are expected to be included.

I could definitely see the couple not wanting "plus ones" beyond the above. It's an additional expense, they can't vet those guests, it can make other single guests feel even more out of place if they don't have a plus-one to bring. And it can break up the closeness factor and the invitees interacting with each other, to have people bringing their own company, who the couple may not even know.

 

[seaurchin]

As for children being part of the ceremony but not invited to the following adults-only reception, I think situations that don't come up that often are harder for people to know how to navigate. So if I was the parent and it wasn't very do-able for me, I'd probably just talk to the bride or groom about it or graciously decline.
--------------------------------
As far as destination weddings, personally, there are only a very few people who I'd want to spend that much time and money on for their wedding so I probably wouldn't go in the first place.