Pregnancy and TTC After a Loss

[somethingshiny]

I''m so sorry for your loss, I hadn''t heard until now.

DH and I endured nearly 6 years of miscarriages. I''ve lost count on how many. I didn''t have trouble getting pregnant, I had trouble staying pregnant. Finally, we got pregnant and for the first time I felt really good. I knew I was carrying that baby to term. After about 4 weeks I did get terrible morning sickness that lasted well into my 8th month, had to quit my job and was on some bedrest, but I carried to term and delivered a perfect little boy.

In between miscarriages, I''d wait only one cycle before trying to conceive again. I don''t know if that was right or not, I was basing that decision on "foal heat". When an animal gets pregnant (sorry, I''m a farm girl) and then loses the pregnancy or delivers, her most fertile time is within 3 months. I took prenatals everyday for that 6 years and that didn''t seem to have any bearing.

Emotionally it was draining and I think I eventually ended up carrying because we had basically given up. I think the reduced emotional stress was a HUGE factor.

During the entire time the doctors couldn''t figure out why I wasn''t carrying. I''m a religious person so I know that it was God''s decision on when and if we''d have a baby, so although the doctors didn''t know the reason, I knew God did and that brought me comfort.

It was harder on DH than I realized and he still calls those years the most devastating of his life.

We''ve been TTC again for about 3 yrs with no success. I''m coming to terms with the fact that our son may be an only child, but I''m SOO glad I haven''t had any more miscarriages. I''d rather not get pregnant ever again than to lose one more child.



--btw, I really do know how many I lost, but the number is soo high it''s excruciating to write it. I''m still aware everyday of the babies that I didn''t get to hold. Thankfully, the joy of having our little boy takes away the pain.

Good luck to you and your DH.

 

[peonygirl]

Hey sweetie, I''m really sorry this happened to you.

Right now I''m definitely in the place where I''m still sad about my lost little one, but I don''t think about it every day and I''m excited about my new pregnancy.

As you know I had an early miscarriage and then got pregnant again on my second cycle after the miscarriage. It took me 5 months to get pregnant the first time and only 2 the second time, but I had just started Clomid. The only thing I noticed is that we had exactly the same BDing pattern in relation to ovulation both times we got pregnant. Please let me know if you have any questions or anything!! In many ways I felt better about TTC after my miscarriage because I knew that we could get pregnant. . . it was a big relief for me.


*hugs*

 

[blushingbride]

Thanks Peony - I''m trying to stay hopefully. It''s getting easier to deal with as each day passes. I''m looking forward to the time when we can start trying again. I desperately want to feel the joy we felt when we were pregnant again. Thanks for your encouragement!

 

[mela lu]

Hi Blushing

I just saw this thread.
Oh Sadness. I''m hurting for you....and all the other women who have to endure the loss (especially after trying for a while).

I just don''t know why this happens, and happens to often to so many women. For some reason, I took comfort in that; as though there was nothing "wrong with me", just something wrong with that pregnancy. That made me feel better. Even in my sadness, I was happy to know that I could conceive. I took comfort in that. And as I cried (like most people do), I remained confident that it would happen again - and it did!

Packrat - you hit the nail on the head with your story about "the baby that was meant for you". I truly believe that now that I have my DS in my arms. He was the one for me, and I wouldn''t have him if I hadn''t have lost my first pregnancy. This only really resonates with me now that he is a reality.

SomethingShiny - your history of m/c is beyond understanding. I''m so sorry that you and your DH had to endure that (and to some extent, still are...). I''m so sorry.

Thank you for sharing though. It must be hard to write the words.

Blushing - I too passed the embryo. I was 7w2d when I miscarried. (TMI ALERT) I actually did retrieve the tissue (well, my mom did) and we investigated it. I don''t know if that makes us budding scientist or gross masochists, but I wanted to know if it *truly* was over. I think for me, seeing was believing. It was hard because I knew that morning when I was bleeding and cramping that it was over. My heart knew it, but seeing it helped my brain comprehend it. Sad.

I feel like for me, the hardest thing to avoid was the "why me" thing. I too was jealous of others who were pregnant and who had (in my jaded eyes at the time) seemed to have ''never struggled a day in their life''. That was all part of my grieving process, and I had to let go of those misconceptions as part of my healing. It''s interesting what emotions will come out of you when you''re grieving.

I don''t know if any of this helps, but know that you''re not alone, especially if you find your mind going to dark places sometimes. I think it''s normal, but the key is to focus on the positive and BELIEVE that it will happen again, and soon. I used visualization to help me get through the TTC afterwards to help me say positive and not get worried or stressed out. I literally, visualized the egg and sperm meeting, the sperm burrowing into the egg, the cells dividing etc.

BTW, we started TTC the month after I got my first period. So, I got my period 6 weeks after losing the pregnancy, and then I conceived my DS the second cycle after that! I think there may be some truth in being extra fertile after a loss.

Lean on your hubby. He''s a strapping big man and can hold your weight while you go through this

. Thinking of you and the millions of other women in the same boat.

 

[blushingbride]

Hi Mela

I''m so glad you chimed in here because I really feel like I can relate to your miscarriage. Not only was it around the same time of year as mine, but I was 7w6d when I first started bleeding. You and Peony are right by saying that I need to focus on the fact that I CAN become pregnant...and believe me after months of trying, I am very happy for that. My fear now is whether or not I can SUSTAIN a pregnancy. Everyone I''ve been talking to has said they never knew anyone who had a miscarriage and wasn''t able to go on to have a healthy baby so, I''m trying to keep that in my mind.

You sound like my husband when you say focus on the positive, so I am...I really am trying. I do go to "the dark side" once in a while, but I think it''s because this whole thing is still too fresh. Once I go back to work next week, things will be easier for me and DH and I are trying to plan a vacation so, that will help too. My biggest problem is that life doesn''t have the same purpose for me anymore. I think about how it''s summertime and it''s normally my favorite time of the year, but now, it''s just bleh (as littlelysser would say). With time, I expect to snap out of this funk and I think that will not only come with time, but also once I get my period again in a month.

Thank you for all your advice and support. I will definitely try the visualization technique! I''m going to do exactly what I did last time and realize it may not happen right away, but hopefully it will happen again SOON.

xoxox

 

[packrat]

You could talk to your Dr. about Progesterone. 2 of my coworkers also had miscarriages and one went on to have 2 gorgeous little girls, and the other has a little boy and is due in October. Both they and myself took Progesterone after the m/c..I don''t recall if we started it when we started TTC or if it was after becoming pg. I think it''s something that Dr''s don''t SWEAR is going to help, but what Dr. told me is "it''s certainly not going to hurt anything to give your body a little boost"

 

[soocool]

Blushingbride, so very sorry for your loss. This happened to me over 17 years ago. Same thing and I still think about the baby that was never born. I had a second miscarriage 4 months later then I thought I was having another one 5 months after that when I began to spot again. But then the spotting stopped and 9 1/2 months later I gave birth to the most beautiful little girl in the world and had the easiest pregnancy. What was hard for me was that I was in my mid 30s when I conceived and with each loss I thought my chances of having a baby were slipping away. Just hang in there and don''t give up hope. Everything will be ok!

 

[jstarfireb]

Hi Blushing, and sorry for your loss. As an ER resident, I see a lot of people who are going through miscarriages (and also many who have miscarriage scares due to spotting or cramping but go on to carry the pregnancy to term and deliver healthy babies). I tell them as I will tell you that a first miscarriage, heart-wrenching as it is, has no bearing on your ability to get pregnant in the future. Some experts quote that up to 70% of pregnancies end in miscarriage; often, the pregnancy itself is never detected, but the woman just has a heavier than normal period with some cramping, and that was the passing of the pregnancy. Usually there''s nothing they did that contributed to it, no lifestyle changes that we suggest making, but it''s just nature''s way. Often there are genetic abnormalities that are incompatible with life in miscarried embryos...so I want to stress that this is not your fault (or anyone else''s who miscarries)! It is good to wait for a while until starting to TTC again, not only physiologically, but also emotionally, to let yourself grieve. Take care of yourself!

 

[rockpaperscissors67]

Blushing, I''m terribly sorry for your loss. I''m glad that your DH and friends are being supportive because I think that makes a big difference.

I had 2 m/cs in the past -- 1 in 1990 a year after my oldest child was born and 1 in 1994 about 6 months after my 2nd child was born. I''m now 12 weeks along with #6 (and I''m 41!). I think it''s much more typical to go on to carry a child to term than to have repeated m/cs. My pregnancies with the other kids were a breeze. This one so far has been relatively easy, although I had a bleeding scare several weeks ago (turned out to be a pocket of old blood).

I think the hardest thing about having gone through a m/c is that the fear never leaves you. If you''ve never experienced it, I think you worry, but not excessively. Once you lose that innocence, it''s gone forever and future pregnancies will not be as carefree as before the m/c. When the time comes and you feel this fear, know that it''s absolutely normal.

Be sure to give yourself plenty of time to grieve. Talk to your DH and friends about your feelings. Day by day, it will get better.

 

[mela lu]

Date: 7/10/2009 3:17:54 PM
Author: rockpaperscissors67

I think the hardest thing about having gone through a m/c is that the fear never leaves you. If you''ve never experienced it, I think you worry, but not excessively. Once you lose that innocence, it''s gone forever and future pregnancies will not be as carefree as before the m/c. When the time comes and you feel this fear, know that it''s absolutely normal.

Good point and well said rockpaperscissors. I know I "worried" when I got PG again, and how I got through it was to set VERY small goals, and just focused on those rather than trying to look at the next 30 something weeks ahead. That was overwhelming to me, but looking ahead to the next mini-milestone was do-able.

Blushing - WHEN you get preggo again (because you will) try not to get overwhelmed by the fear of m/c. It''s normal, but as we know ''que sera sera'', and worrying wont help.

 

[chrono]

So sorry about your miscarraige, Blushing. I experienced one myself and we agreed to wait one cycle before trying but I got pregnant again first before we even realized it.

Take things easy and it''ll all come together for you. It seems when we try, it took forever but when we takes things easy, it also happens easily.

 

[blushingbride]

Thanks everyone for all your replies, advice and experiences - they have been so helpful for me to read and helped me to get out of the funk I was this past week. It''s so reassuring to know that I am not only in all this. I''m focusing on the positive and trying to not to dwell on what was, but am now thinking about what will be. It will be scary to become pregnant again, but I know I''m in good hands with my RE and what doesn''t kill us, makes us stronger.

I know that I will be a mom someday soon, but in the meantime, I need to enjoy life and appreciate all good things I already have!

 

[radiantgirl]

Blushingbride - I am so sorry about your recent loss. My heart goes out to you. I've been in your shoes so know exactly how you are feeling right now. I believe it will take time to heal and definitely something you will never forget. There are many of us that have had miscarriages in the past, so you are definitely not alone. I believe Ebree had 2 as well and now have a healthy baby boy.

I found out about my missed miscarriage last year at 11w6d during an NT Scan. We saw the baby and the heartbeating 4 weeks prior to that on an ultrasound, so I was shocked to find out that this time, the baby's heart was no longer beating. The dr. estimated the baby must have stopped growing 1-2 weeks prior to that. I was beyond devastated, and it took me a long time to heal and move on from that. I had to have the D & C procedure the following week to remove the pregnancy. I did not get my first period after that procedure until 105 days (3.5 months) afterwards. That made my situation feel like it dragged on forever. I had to go back to the dr. to get my HCG levels checks. Apparently, your levels need to be 5 or less in order for your body to ovulate and start the cycle all over again. My body still thought I was pregnant! So you can see how frustrating that was for me. I just wanted to move on already. So 105 days after my D & C, I finally start my first period and I have never been so happy to get AF. During this time though, it was so hard for me to deal with seeing pregnant women or knowing another person was pregnant.

My husband and I started trying immediately after the first AF, and was finally successful after 4 cycles. I did wonder if I was ever going to get pregnant again and be able to carry a baby to term. When I got my BFP the second time around, I was terrified every time I went in to see the doctor. The dr. did see me more often, every 2 weeks rather than once every 4 weeks until I hit my second trimester. I was terrified every time I was going to get an ultrasound because I was expecting the worst each time. She did put me on progesterone at 10 dpo. I found out I was pg at 9 dpo. I also had my HCG levels checked to make sure they were doubling up and good. I was also taking baby aspirin until I hit 12 weeks. My progesterone levels were good, but the dr. said it didn't hurt to take it, so I wanted to do whatever it takes to cover my basis.

So here I am 16 months later after my loss waiting for the arrival of our first baby boy to come any day now. This pregnancy has been really easy for me, but I would set milestones for myself. Getting into the second trimester was the biggest milestone for me because I didn't think I would even get there. I still think about my loss every now and then, thinking that our first baby would have been almost 10 months by now (my original EDD for baby #1 was 9/26/0. I do have to remind myself that if we did have baby #1, this baby would not be here, and we are beyond excited and so looking forwarding to finally meeting our little guy. It's definitely been a hard journey, but everything we went through is so worth it to have this little boy.

You will know when you are ready to try again. **Big hugs to you.**

I hated hearing this while I was going through all of this, but it really will get better in time. I promise!

 

[Lynnie]

Blushing, I just wanted to wish you some encouragement and support. I''ve never been pregnant, but my dearest friend had a miscarriage at 9 weeks. I can only imagine how heartbreaking that must be. She had a D & C, and was so sad for the first few months... then 5 months after the miscarriage she was pregnant again, and now she had a beautiful 14 month old boy. She told me that what got her through the tough times was to think "It wasn''t meant to be." I wish I had the eloquency to say it the way she did, though... she just became at peace with it.
Lots of internet hugs to you, and to the rest who are going through difficult times

 

[blushingbride]

Hi Radiantgirl - I completely remember your story (as well as Ebree''s) and I''m thrilled that you are due any day now! I guess all my feelings and fears are natural. I will have to take yours and Mela''s advice to just take things slow and one milestone at a time once we are pregnant again. I''m going back to my doctor next week so I''ll be interested in seeing what my levels are. Do you think you had luteal phase defect or were you just taking progesterone/baby aspirin to be safe? I really want to do the same for our next go around. I''ll talk to my RE about it next week.

I know that we want to start trying right away since it''s taken us so long to get pregnant the first go around. We switched some things up this past time so, we are going to try and repeat what we did and see what happens.

This whole experience has been quite a "wake-up call" for me and DH. Before this, we were worrying about all the little things in life and when something like this happens, it really puts things into perspective.

Lynnie - thank you for sharing your friend''s story. I love hearing all these happy endings!!!

 

[radiantgirl]

Blushingbride - I do not have a luteal phase defect (it''s around 12-14 days), but was taking progesterone and baby aspirin just to be on the safe side. One positive thing that came out of this whole experience was that the next time you do get pregnant again, you will totally appreciate everything that comes along with your pregnancy. I didn''t care if I was sick every single day or whatever bad that came along.

 

[waxing lyrical]

I''m so sorry for your loss, blushing.

Many hugs to you. I''ve never had a miscarriage, but I''m 16 weeks into my fourth pregnancy and tomorrow marks 8 months since the loss of our son at 35 weeks. We''re hoping the rest of the pregnancy remains uneventful and everything goes smoothly, but I still worry and sometimes think if I have this baby, not when. We conceived on my third cycle at 5 months postpartum. There was no wanting to wait. I was planning on TTC ASAP when I was being induced.

I believe I had a chemical pregnancy with my first full cycle. I did acupuncture, Chinese herbs, fertilitea, red clover tea, false unicorn root, 100mg of B6, and my usual supplements. I did some of the herbs on and off. With the cycle we conceived I was drinking red clover tea until mid cycle. I did the Chinese herbal formula during the beginning of my cycle and switched to the red clover. We also did the sperm meets egg plan.

 

[blushingbride]

Waxing - I''m sorry for your loss too. I felt like I had already formed a bond with my baby at just 8 weeks, I can''t imagine losing him/her at 35 weeks. I''m very happy to learn you are pregnant again and I wish you all the best for this pregnancy! Interesting how once something like this happens, we change our entire outlook on things. The innocense is lost and emtions are filled with constant worry and stress. Like you, I definitely do not want to wait to try again. Also, we tried the sperm meets egg plan this last go around and we were successful. I hope to follow the same pattern as last time. I''m glad to know it also worked for you too!

 

[LtlFirecracker]

Waxing Lyrical,

I am so sorry to hear that you lost your baby at 35 weeks. The first patient I lost was a 34 weeker, and although it was not my child, it is still makes my heart sink and stomach knot up when I think if it. I know that is just the tip of the iceberg compared to what the mother must feel.

I hope you have a safe and healthy pregnancy this time around. Please just discuss any herbals you are taking with your OBGYN just to be safe.

 

[ljmorgan]

As some of you know, my daughter died at 37 weeks and I had her on April 14. My husband and I are getting ready to "try" this month. It''s been 14 weeks since I had her... like waxing lyrical, I won''t feel good about the next pregnancy until the baby is in my arms. There is no time that I will feel "safe." We are terrified but we want another child.

 

[mela lu]

Oh linds I think about you all the time. I''m so glad to hear you are going to try again. Nothing would make me happier than seeing you holding your child.
Praying for you, and all the other who have lost.

 

[nycbkgirl]

Date: 7/24/2009 9:35:11 PM
Author: mela lu
Oh linds I think about you all the time. I''m so glad to hear you are going to try again. Nothing would make me happier than seeing you holding your child.
Praying for you, and all the other who have lost.

Ditto. ur always in my thoughts and every time i check the ttc or preggo thread i hope to see u! i hope you and dh are doing well!

 

[waxing lyrical]

Thank you for the kind words and support, ladies.

Lindsey, my heart goes out to you. I''m so very sorry your baby girl isn''t in your arms right now. My thoughts are with you. (((hugs))) Have you visited any support forums? I belong to a few. The other moms are amazing. We lean on each other. I''m glad I''ve made those friendships, as devastating as it is. I wouldn''t have met them or built those friendships if it were not for our common journey.

 

[blushingbride]

Lindsey - I followed your story on the preggo thread and I know I expressed my condolences to you in that thread, but again, I am truly sorry for loss of your precious daughter and all you have been through.

That said, I'm happy to hear you are going to start trying again! Obviously, your loss was much further along, but I've been telling this to my friends and family - I will never feel the same way about being pregnant since my miscarriage. That incident robbed me of any joy I will have while I'm pregnant. I will live in constant fear for 9 months and it's not fair. I also realize that stress is not good for the pregnancy either, but how could I not be esp. after my miscarriage happening so suddenly after being told 3 days prior that everything was great.

At this stage, I'm not really grieving as much anymore, I'm just plain irritated! Irritated for having to start all over again and an irritated for not being able to enjoy one single moment of this entire process.

I thought TTC was emotionally draining before, but now it's double what it was before.

As far as support groups, I realize that this forum may not be the right venue for getting the proper support after a stillbirth or miscarriage, but I was surprised that to see that a thread like this one was never started in the past. When I did a search, I think I saw one thread which someone had started a while back regarding a miscarriage, but only one? Maybe some women are dealing with these things in other ways, but I've found the best way for me is to talk about it and hear from other women who've gone through the same thing tell their stories.

Anyway, I hope to join you with trying again this month. I truly hope the trying part will be quick for us and that we will have a happy and healthy baby in 9 months!

 

[waxing lyrical]

Blushing, there are a lot of pregnancy loss support groups. My favorite is the group at mothering. I prefer active groups where the members are really close. I''ve grown super close with a lot of ladies. My heart aches every time I see a new momma.

I wouldn''t want to be any other place. I identify better with mothers that have experienced loss. I know fertility friend has a TTC after loss and pregnant after loss forum. I frequent those a lot.

 

[somethingshiny]

Date: 7/28/2009 9:57:40 AM
Author: blushingbride


At this stage, I''m not really grieving as much anymore, I''m just plain irritated! Irritated for having to start all over again and an irritated for not being able to enjoy one single moment of this entire process.

I thought TTC was emotionally draining before, but now it''s double what it was before.

The irritation will go away eventually. And, yes, it''s very draining and will continue to be. You won''t have an "easy" pregnancy necessarily, but you will find time to enjoy it. When those little guys are just rolling around and you can see your whole belly moving side to side and spot little feet, you won''t be thinking the what-ifs. You''ll be feeling blessed with the miracle.

 

[cara]

Lindsey, wow, I am so sorry for your loss and yet glad for you and your husband that you are getting ready to try again. I wasn''t posting regularly then on the preggo thread but definitely followed your story and was so sad for you and your baby girl.

Blushing, I totally get that it will be difficult to have that unbridled excitement of the first pregnancy again, and that there will be more fear and worry. But I have promised myself that I am going to try for more joy and less worry as much as a I can. Reading some of the stories on the miscarriage/loss website made me want to try not to spend the whole next pregnancy worried and doubting. I am not a religious person, but I think some faith will be required. I am hoping you too will be able to find joy with less than overpowering fear in a second pregnancy (and soon on that front too!) but maybe its too soon from the last loss for your emotions to let their gaurd down yet. We were very close in progress, but you had seen a heartbeat and I hadn''t and that has got to be harder. Wishing good thoughts for you...

 

[Mara]

Date: 7/9/2009 8:20:25 PM
Author: packrat
You could talk to your Dr. about Progesterone. 2 of my coworkers also had miscarriages and one went on to have 2 gorgeous little girls, and the other has a little boy and is due in October. Both they and myself took Progesterone after the m/c..I don''t recall if we started it when we started TTC or if it was after becoming pg. I think it''s something that Dr''s don''t SWEAR is going to help, but what Dr. told me is ''it''s certainly not going to hurt anything to give your body a little boost''

I have 2 friends who were given progesterone by DR''s as well after somewhat early miscarriages. The progesterone is supposed to help the cells stick in earlier days ... until your own hormones kick in and start really doing their job. Both of them were able to conceive fine and one of them is 20 weeks though the other is still in fairly early days.

 

[E B]

Date: 7/28/2009 7:09:47 PM
Author: Mara

Date: 7/9/2009 8:20:25 PM

Author: packrat

You could talk to your Dr. about Progesterone. 2 of my coworkers also had miscarriages and one went on to have 2 gorgeous little girls, and the other has a little boy and is due in October. Both they and myself took Progesterone after the m/c..I don''t recall if we started it when we started TTC or if it was after becoming pg. I think it''s something that Dr''s don''t SWEAR is going to help, but what Dr. told me is ''it''s certainly not going to hurt anything to give your body a little boost''

I have 2 friends who were given progesterone by DR''s as well after somewhat early miscarriages. The progesterone is supposed to help the cells stick in earlier days ... until your own hormones kick in and start really doing their job. Both of them were able to conceive fine and one of them is 20 weeks though the other is still in fairly early days.

I''m another woman progesterone may have worked for. Before I had my son, I had two early (~7 week) miscarriages. My RE prescribed progesterone (and baby aspirin) for my third pregnancy, which I took for the first 13 weeks, and I''m holding the positive result as I type.

As for fear during a subsequent pregnancy, I agree with the others who said you''ve just got to take it one day at a time. With each day, each appointment and each time you hear the heartbeat, you''ll feel a little bit better, a little more confident.

Thinking of you this next cycle!

 

[blushingbride]

I had heard about taking progesterone (and baby aspirin) after you get your BFP.

Ebree (or anyone else who went this route) - did you have low progesterone levels before your doctor put you on it? I''ve had my levels checked twice already and apparently they are normal. Just wondering if that was the case for you. Also, did you have any clotting issues which is why your doc may have put you on baby aspirin? I do not have any that I''m aware of so I''m curious.