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Question for brides re: declining an invitation

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baby monster

baby monster

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Little confused here about a wedding invitation.

This girl and I worked together for couple years and then she left for another place 2 years ago. We''ve kept in touch via email (couple emails/month) and I saw her once for drinks. I sort of felt that we could''ve become friends but she always declined my invitations to hang out together. Because of that she is just an acquaintance in my mind. We know people in common because the industry I work in is small and a lot of people went to same schools or worked in same places. Out of nowhere I get this invitation to her wedding at an expensive restaurant.

So brides. Why was I invited? Do you feel that you have to invite everyone you know? I am going to decline the invite, so do you take it personally when people decline? Do you call them and ask for an explanation? I''d like to do this in a best possible way because our professional paths will probably cross in the future and I don''t want any unpleasant feelings to remain.
 
Maybe she just genuinely likes you and wanted to invite you. She may not have a lot of close friends. Why wouldn''t you want to go? If you share mutual aquaintances you would have people you know to talk to.
 
If you are not comfortable going then don''t go. I didn''t take it personally when we received the decline rsvps back. Sometimes people just can''t make it, etc. I do not think you owe her an explanation and there shouldn''t be any hard feelings. Good luck!

Jess
 
I don''t want to go because I strongly believe that weddings are for family and very close friends.
 
Date: 8/3/2007 4:00:01 PM
Author: baby monster
I don''t want to go because I strongly believe that weddings are for family and very close friends.
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I wish that had been the case when I got married. I was expected to invite everyone and his brother and his dog to mine!!
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Date: 8/3/2007 4:01:36 PM
Author: Maisie



Date: 8/3/2007 4:00:01 PM
Author: baby monster
I don''t want to go because I strongly believe that weddings are for family and very close friends.
Click to expand...



I wish that had been the case when I got married. I was expected to invite everyone and his brother and his dog to mine!!
9.gif
Click to expand...

And they all showed up?
23.gif
 
Date: 8/3/2007 4:06:28 PM
Author: baby monster

Date: 8/3/2007 4:01:36 PM
Author: Maisie




Date: 8/3/2007 4:00:01 PM
Author: baby monster
I don''t want to go because I strongly believe that weddings are for family and very close friends.
Click to expand...



I wish that had been the case when I got married. I was expected to invite everyone and his brother and his dog to mine!!
9.gif
Click to expand...

And they all showed up?
23.gif
Click to expand...
Yep and they all behaved quite well considering they mostly don''t get along!!
 
I wouldn't be hurt by an acquaintance declining. Honestly, I feel "obligated" to invite so many people that I would RATHER many of them decline (but that's an entirely different story).

However, just because you feel that weddings should be isolated to close friends and family (I agree-for MY OWN wedding), there are certainly other people who have always dreamed of a HUGE party to celebrate. It's definitely your prerogative to host a wedding that fits your own ideals, but you shouldn't feel obligated to decline an invitation to a wedding that doesn't fit those ideals.

I doubt she's inviting you because she's mistakenly counted you as a "close friend," so you shouldn't have to worry about declining as a matter of principle. She probably falls into the "big party" category of wedding dreamers. Why not join in the fun?
 
I think if she invited you then there could be a few things going on, but she certainly had no obligation to invite you at all! So I would think that she invited you because she genuinely wants you there.

But no, I don''t take it personally unless it''s someone very close to me with a BS excuse!
 
Date: 8/3/2007 4:29:39 PM
Author: musey
I wouldn't be hurt by an acquaintance declining. Honestly, I feel 'obligated' to invite so many people that I would RATHER many of them decline (but that's an entirely different story).

However, just because you feel that weddings should be isolated to close friends and family (I agree-for MY OWN wedding), there are certainly other people who have always dreamed of a HUGE party to celebrate. It's definitely your prerogative to host a wedding that fits your own ideals, but you shouldn't feel obligated to decline an invitation to a wedding that doesn't fit those ideals.

I doubt she's inviting you because she's mistakenly counted you as a 'close friend,' so you shouldn't have to worry about declining as a matter of principle. She probably falls into the 'big party' category of wedding dreamers. Why not join in the fun?
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Cause that sort of makes me feel as if I'm an extra in a movie LOL and I'm invited to round off a table.

Am I too jaded?
 
Date: 8/3/2007 4:55:43 PM
Author: baby monster
Date: 8/3/2007 4:29:39 PM

Author: musey
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Cause that sort of makes me feel as if I'm an extra in a movie LOL and I'm invited to round off a table.
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If that's honestly how you feel, then PLEASE DO DECLINE her invitation. Not that you weren't planning on it.

My worst wedding fear is that guests will attend out of a feeling of obligation, and then be grumbling the whole time not caring at all about experiencing that day with me. I don't want anyone sitting there while we say our vows, stealing glances at their watches, counting the minutes until they can get their free food and booze.
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I would never invite anyone I didn't genuinely want to have there. Likewise, I would never accept an invitation if I had no interest in experiencing the joining of that couple (though I honestly can't imagine that ever being the case).

She could be different from me, I'm sure many people are, but I think that if she had any idea that you don't even have an interest in being there to share in her day, she wouldn't have invited you in the first place.
 
Maybe she doesn''t have a lot of friends and so counted you as a really good one?

I have been amazed how many times people who I regard as acquaintances think of me as a really close friend.

If you really don''t want to attend then send a short letter thanking them for the invitation and your apologies that you are unable to attend. I wouldn''t get into phone calls.
 
I agree that you should politely decline if watching her get married won't mean anything to you. Maybe send a small gift?

If it makes you feel any better, at least she isn't asking you to be a BM. An old chum from high school who ended up overlapping a year with me while she went to law school and I did my Ph.D. asked me to be a BRIDESMAID. Just to be clear: we were never 'close' in high school. Just chums who went dancing now and then. In the 7 years between high school and our overlap year, we saw each other once and spoke maybe twice. Then only hung out now and then the year we lived in the same place again. And suddenly I'm her BRIDESMAID? So awkward. But then I thought 'what they hey?' the wedding was in town and she chose a dress colour/ style based on an evening gown she loved that I already owned, so it was, er, no skin off my back. I helped her make bouquets. And gave her hugs when she needed them. But I was a bit "huh?" Then she wrote me this letter about how much I had meant to her all those years and how I was a role model and stuff. And I'm all "HUH?"

I'm not even INVITING her to MY wedding. Actually, is that rude?
 
AWWWWW IG....I don''t know if it''s rude, and it''s your wedding...but awwwww!!!!!
 
You mean ''awww'' as in "Come on girl, you''ll hurt her feelings?" ARGH! Rather than jack this thread, I''ll start a new one. Now I''m all worried!
 
Date: 8/3/2007 7:42:47 PM
Author: Independent Gal
You mean ''awww'' as in ''Come on girl, you''ll hurt her feelings?'' ARGH! Rather than jack this thread, I''ll start a new one. Now I''m all worried!
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LOL. Sorry, Independent Gal, didn''t mean to start you to worry!
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Date: 8/3/2007 6:32:16 PM
Author: Pandora II
Maybe she doesn''t have a lot of friends and so counted you as a really good one?

I have been amazed how many times people who I regard as acquaintances think of me as a really close friend.

If you really don''t want to attend then send a short letter thanking them for the invitation and your apologies that you are unable to attend. I wouldn''t get into phone calls.
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Well, that sort of goes back to why we''re not friends. I''ve invited her several times over a span of a year to hang out with my friends but she always declined. She never invited me to hang out. So I assumed that she does not want to be friends but just work buddies/future job contact, which is totally fine with me. That is why I''m perplexed at this invitation - I never thought she wanted a more personal relationship. And what is more personal than inviting someone to your wedding?
 
Maybe this is a ''work contacts'' thing? Sometimes weddings are ''networking'' occasions too.

Not MY wedding though. That''s for sure.

But it can be a thing for some people... and especially some peoples'' parents.
 
Date: 8/3/2007 4:29:39 PM
Author: musey
I wouldn''t be hurt by an acquaintance declining. Honestly, I feel ''obligated'' to invite so many people that I would RATHER many of them decline (but that''s an entirely different story).

However, just because you feel that weddings should be isolated to close friends and family (I agree-for MY OWN wedding), there are certainly other people who have always dreamed of a HUGE party to celebrate. It''s definitely your prerogative to host a wedding that fits your own ideals, but you shouldn''t feel obligated to decline an invitation to a wedding that doesn''t fit those ideals.

I doubt she''s inviting you because she''s mistakenly counted you as a ''close friend,'' so you shouldn''t have to worry about declining as a matter of principle. She probably falls into the ''big party'' category of wedding dreamers. Why not join in the fun?
Click to expand...
Musey, why do you feel obligated to invite people?

What if this creates a vicious circle where the invited feel obligated to go because you invited them? LOL What if I''m thinking too much about this?

(Not picking on Musey here. Just trying to parse out the social obligations
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)
 
Top Ten Reasons We Feel Obligated to Invite People:

10) We invited Cousin A's sister, B (whom we like), so we have to invite Cousin A
9) His folks want equal numbers
8) Mom is paying, therefore Mom's friends get to come
7) We were a BM in C's wedding, therefore we have to invite C
6) Dad wants his wife to feel like 'family' so we have to invite his wife's parents, whom we've met twice and whose names we can't recall...
5)....

help me out here gals!

(not that these are good reasons, just that they are reasons!)
 
Date: 8/3/2007 8:09:56 PM
Author: baby monster
Date: 8/3/2007 4:29:39 PM

Author: musey

I wouldn't be hurt by an acquaintance declining. Honestly, I feel 'obligated' to invite so many people that I would RATHER many of them decline (but that's an entirely different story).
Click to expand...

Musey, why do you feel obligated to invite people?

What if this creates a vicious circle where the invited feel obligated to go because you invited them? LOL What if I'm thinking too much about this?

(Not picking on Musey here. Just trying to parse out the social obligations
2.gif
)
Click to expand...
Because they are (non-extended) family members, and I refuse to invite some family and not others. It's simply not worth creating bad blood amongst people that I will continue to see for the rest of my life--just to trim down the guest list. And yes, I'm well aware that some of those family members will attend out of obligation, but there is really no way around that, from my end.

So for IG's top 10 list, the idea of #10 is my major guest-list-booster. Here's my #5, IG...

5) The in-laws have two sets of "families" because FI's father is adopted and he found his GIIIIIGANTIC birth family a number of years ago. Can't disclude them w/out hurting FFIL because they are, after all, family.
 
Oh wow, musey, that''s a tough one...

Btw, I love your ring. Did you spend a lot of time looking for the stone and the setting?
 
Date: 8/3/2007 10:39:07 PM
Author: baby monster
Oh wow, musey, that's a tough one...


Btw, I love your ring. Did you spend a lot of time looking for the stone and the setting?
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haha, well, in a word: YES. About a year of browsing and four months of buckle-down searching. Pretty normal by PS standards, I suppose. Thank you for the compliment!
 
OMG baby monster I have exactly the same situation, not exactly, but so alike that actually stressed me out for a good couple of days.

This couple invited us (me and FI) to their wedding (which is coming up soon) and i know them though a mutual friend, now the thing is these couple are very well off and going to have a humungous wedding. Ages ago this mutual friend sort of hinted that the bride doesnt know if she should invite us, at that time, I told the mutual friend, tell her not to worry because we are only having a small wedding and we wont be inviting them anyway.

well i thought that was that, but one day we got an email asking for our addresses, now the thing is, the couple wants to send us an invite. I sort of hinted that we are going to have a small wedding, and know the numbers can be a bit tight sometimes and dont feel oblige to invite us blah blah blah. The bride then replied that they dont expect to be invited in return and sent us the invite anyway.

now, they are very lovely people, but we have only met them, probably a handful of times the most, i know them but would classify them as aquantiances, and all of a sudden i got this invite when in my mind is thinking wedding are supposely for close friends and family?!

i toss and turn and FI wants to go because he just simply put, love parties. The mutual friend thinks i should go because the couple doesnt care about money anyway (which does iffed me a bit because i am thinking of a being a seat filler as well). My MOH understands where i come from but thinks i should go because if i dont probably create more trouble than its worth.

So we replied and said yes. Bought and sent a gift.

Now I await the day to go to a huge wedding only knowing two other people (the mutual friend and FI) and hardly even know the couple
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Sorry to hijack baby monster, i feel your pain.
 
Date: 8/3/2007 3:38:31 PM
Author:baby monster
Little confused here about a wedding invitation.

This girl and I worked together for couple years and then she left for another place 2 years ago. We''ve kept in touch via email (couple emails/month) and I saw her once for drinks. I sort of felt that we could''ve become friends but she always declined my invitations to hang out together. Because of that she is just an acquaintance in my mind. We know people in common because the industry I work in is small and a lot of people went to same schools or worked in same places. Out of nowhere I get this invitation to her wedding at an expensive restaurant.

So brides. Why was I invited? Do you feel that you have to invite everyone you know? I am going to decline the invite, so do you take it personally when people decline? Do you call them and ask for an explanation? I''d like to do this in a best possible way because our professional paths will probably cross in the future and I don''t want any unpleasant feelings to remain.
Click to expand...
Why were you invited: maybe she felt a connection to you from working with you for a while and wanted to keep that connection intact, and even though she turned down going out with you for drinks still wanted you to be a part of her life.
Do you feel you have to invite everyone you know?: Absolutely not. In fact we pared down our guest list to include really only our close friends and family so we could stay within our budget. We actually had acquaintances ASK to be invited to our wedding and we had to literally turn them down verbally because there was just no way we could squeeze them in.
Do you call them and ask for an explanation: Nooooooo, no way. I''d say the best possible scenario is for you to acknowledge her invite with an RSVP that says you will not be attending, but send her a wedding card and small gift, maybe $50 limit. That takes care of that. *slaps hands several times to be done with it*
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Aww Hammurabi thanks for sharing. I''m glad I''m not the only one obsessing over this. Hopefully you''ll meet some couples to hang out with during the wedding.
 
I second getting them something from their REGISTRY. My greatest fear is people spending their hard earned money on stuff that we don''t need, want, or like that will just take up precious closet space in our tiny condo. I would so much rather not get a present than get something ''for the sake of it''. So, if you don''t know specifically what she might like, choose something off the registry, or make a donation to charity in their name or something. That would be my advice.
 
Why is it even a big deal? Just tell her thank you but you have plans that weekend. No biggie. And no, you dont have to invite her to your wedding...
 
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