Relationship with future step daugther

[Sparkster]

My fiance has two children from his prevoius marriage. I get along with his son but not with his 13 y/o daughter. I have been with my fiance for 7 years. His daughter has said to us that she would accept her father marrying anyone else but me. I have looked after her and cared for her for seven years, even though she hates me. It''s taken its toll on me and I''ve got to the point of I don''t give a damn about her anymore. When she comes over on access weekends, I now do absoutely nothing for her. My fiance has accepted the fact that his daughter may never accept me and understands that I don''t want to be there for his daughter anymore (even though it hurts him).

What really bugs me is our impending nuptials. His daughter will be at the wedding becuase of what her father means to her and is only coming because of this. I''ve always pictured the wedding to be in front of people I love and who love me. It galls me to think that we will be marrying in front of his daughter, who all the while is hating me and not approving. A day which should be fully of happiness will have this horrible cloud having over it. The thought of it just makes me want to elope as I would rather have no-one at our ceromony than have his dauther at it.

Has anyone else been in this situation before?

 

[Momoftwo]

I haven't, but my guess is she says she'd accept anyone else, but she'd probably say that to anyone he was with. Sounds like jealousy and the fact she probably thinks that when he marries you he's "picked" you over everyone, including her and her mother and that means there's no hope that her parents will ever get back together. That seems to be something most kids of divorce hope for no matter why the first marriage broke up. I think girls have a really hard time with their fathers remarrying. My BIL will be remarrying soon and my niece acts like she adores her future step mom, but she hasn't known her for even a year yet and my feeling is, the first real argument they have, she'll change her tune. Although, she doesnt' have a great relationship with her mom, who is pretty self-involved and tough on her, she's bound to feel some loyalty to her mom. Remarriage is never easy on the kids, but you can't let that come between you. It's also not up to her to approve. She's the child and you two are the adults. It's not her decision about your marrying, but it is her decision to be bratty about it, so let her deal with it. Your fiance just has to stand his ground and let her know he loves you both, period.

 

[MissAva]

I have not been in that situation. However I think you need to keep this to yourself. This is his daughter and no matter how much he loves you she is .5 him. Just deal with it. It will hurt him and make him questions you if you cannot handle these sorts of things which will come up often in the next 5 years and even after she goes off to school.

 

[mightyred]

Oh Sparkster. I have to say you cannot expect a child to make adult decisions. She is obviously defensive but I would see that hostility as an unconscious appeal for help and you need to, as the adult, avoid responding with counter hostility.

No one here know''s what has gone on with the relationship of their mother with their father, and how that transitioned to yours with their father, and this forum is not the place to discuss. But it seems something is going on with that daughter that she can''t let go of (jealousy, hurt, needy) and it make take professional counselling for her to move on.


Although you have pictured this wedding to be surrounded by people who you love and whom you love, it is not only about you, but also your partner and whom he loves and is loved by in return and his daughter is a huge part of that. You are blending families and I think it is important to make them feel a part of the wedding.

I thank you for your brave honesty and wish you well.

 

[elmo65]

I''m very sorry to hear of your situation. I recommend that you all get some counseling regarding this matter, before you get married. This will not be a short-term problem, and this girl will be part of your life from here on out. I have had friends (morethan one) in this situation and it has continued on even when the children grow to adults.. Whatever her issues are, you need to at least get them out in the open and discuss these serious feelings she has about you... Best of luck, I know it can be so difficult.....

 

[Sunni79]

Hi. I personally haven''t been in this situation, but my SIL is in a similar one. She married her husband who had three kids from first marriage. They didn''t like her and she didn''t like them. She and he had three kids and now things are so bad w/ stepkids, that they don''t have anything to do with their father or stepmother. I would not marry into such a hostile family. The stepdaughter will cause so much trouble in your marriage that you''ll wind up leaving or unhappy in your marriage. Is this how you want to live your life? By constantly fighting? The daughter has every right to be at her father''s wedding. I can only imagine how he must feel about this! He loves you both and probably feels helpless as to what to do. What does he think? I have a lot of sympathy for you, it will be a tough road ahead.

 

[Sparkster]

I know his daughter has a right to be at his wedding and I would never stop her from being there just like I would never stop his daugther from coming to our house to see her dad. It''s just that it''s gotten to a point where I can''t keep on giving to her when I get nothing back which is why it galls me that she will be at the wedding.

If she doesn''t turn up he will be disappointed and if she does turn up, I will be disappointed. Why can''t life be like the Brady Bunch!!

 

[AmberGretchen]

Hey - from a different perspective, I am the stepdaughter. I did not hate my stepmother when she and my dad first got married, but to this day I have mixed feelings about her. I agree that this is to some degree a cry for help and attention and maybe should be approached as such? I don''t know the specifics of your situation and am certainly not implying that any of this applies to you, but when my dad and stepmom got married, she decided that I needed more discipline and she was going to be the one to give it to me. Sometimes it was probably justified, but sometimes not, especially once I got to be a teenager. Then it turned into what felt like it was a power trip for her - I was a good kid, never got involved with drugs or missed my curfew, got straight A''s and took honors classes on top of doing ballet 6 days a week. My big idea of a night out most weekends was a sleepover at a friends house and we would watch movies and make cookies. I think another complicating factor is whether you and your FI now have or plan to have children of your own. My stepmom and dad adopted a child together and to this day my stepmom makes it clear that she (my half-sister) is more important than I am, which is hurtful. I think you may not have made any of these mistakes, but do try to have your FI sit down and talk the situation through with his daughter. Have him explain to her that if she has specific complaints then those can be addressed, but otherwise she needs to at least be civil to you - I think thats a reasonable request assuming she is acting irrationally and is not upset about something you actually did.

Hope that helps - again, just my $0.02!

 

[AChiOAlumna]

My friend is in a very similar situation. My question to you is what is your FI doing about this? Is he sitting down with your future-SD and talking with her? Or is he catering to her whims? He is going to need to take an active stance with her...set special time with her to show her that he isn''t abandoning her. He needs to allow her to discuss her concerns with him without repercussion. Similarly, he needs to discuss with her the fact that you''re not going anywhere and boundaries need to be set. Based on your post (which I know doesn''t have the whole story), it sounds like he''s letting her do what she wants and he''s not doing much intervention....again, I know this is assumptive...

Unfortunately, (and this is going to be the hard part) you''re going to need to take the adult stance here and continue providing her unconditional caring regardless of how it is received or how she responds. It''ll be hard, but she''s testing you and the fact that you''re almost at your breaking point let''s her know what buttons of your''s to push. And the more she knows, the more she''ll push them and the more she''ll try to come between you and your FI. If he has to make a choice, it''ll be her over you in the end...I can guarantee that...so working with her now will prevent him from ever having to make that choice.

As for your wedding, I''m sorry that all of this is impacting your feelings about the event. This is your day, not hers...please do not let her ruin it for you...

My friend went through much of what you described...they are all in counseling right now in order to come together as a family and it''s beginning to have positive effects...I strongly suggest your family consider this as well...

Good luck!!

 

[movie zombie]

difficult....but she is 13 and a typical 13 year old can even hate her own mother [or say so, anyway]. it is a very difficult age for a girl.

however, you are the adult. as long as she doesn''t ''act out'' at the wedding, i don''t see the problem. unfortunately, your FI comes with this 13 year old girl and to allow yourself to cancel your wedding plans to elope seems to be cutting your nose off to spite your face. what about the joy of having your friends and family with you on that day? your joy comes from within you, not from this 13 year old.

while your relationship with this girl is disappointing [i too would quit giving], it would be sad for you to elope and then feel like you''d been deprived of the celebration you had originally planned. canceling your wedding for an elopement could be opening a whole other can of worms......emotiionally.

peace, movie zombie

 

[sjz]

Is the daughter going to be a part of the wedding? I''m wondering if maybe she is feeling left out. I don''t think the way she is feeling and acting is really all that unusual. I''ve heard lots of stories about step-kids and future step-kids behaving this way toward their parent''s new spouses and spouses-to-be. If she has a mother already, she is probably NOT looking for another mother. At her age, you probably need to try and be a friend to her, while still maintaining your adult role in the relationship. If she''s not already a part of the wedding, it might not hurt to find something for her to do. I''m not talking bridesmaid kind of thing necessarily, but is there some kind of role or function that you and her father could ask her to fill that might make her feel more like a "part" of the whole event, instead of some resentful bystander? I don''t know if it would do any good, but it couldn''t hurt to try? Even if you don''t like the girl, and you''d rather not have her at your wedding, I don''t suggest making matters worse by eloping or anything like that. I''m not even sure it''s wise to tell your FI how you are feeling. It would only put him in a very bad position of feeling torn between the two of you. Remember, this is his wedding too, and I''m sure that he would feel very hurt to be forced to leave his own daughter out of it just because she makes you feel uncomfortable. The only thing you would accomplish by this would be to have BOTH the bride and the groom feeling miserable on their wedding day.

Sooner or later you and this girl are going to have to come to grips with your new relationship. Otherwise you are in for a very rocky married life. Kids can be tough to deal with sometimes under the best of circumstances, but blended families and all the tricky dynamics that go along with it are something even more challenging to pull off. I wish you good luck with your marriage and your step-parenting role. It sounds like you are going to need it.

 

[youngster]

I really sympathize with your situation. My own MIL remarried after being widowed for several years. My DH and his siblings tolerated the new husband, were civil to him and kind for her sake. His children, on the other hand, made my MIL''s life miserable. And the "kids" were in their 30''s and 40''s. If you can''t find a way to break through to her, she could continue to make your life difficult for many, many years to come. Being outwardly hostile towards her isn''t going to win her over. Giving up isn''t going to win her over either. I think you need to keep trying. Your future husband will appreciate it, love you for it. Eventually, you might be able to establish some kind of positive relationship, though it may take years of trying.

 

[windowshopper]

you are the adult and she is 13--(everyone else made great points). Just take the high road be pleasant and positive --(try to even be a tad indifferent to her). She needs to learn its happening and she CANNOT win. 13 year olds dont make the decisions....................

don''t try to win her over just be a loving open person and hopefully you will prevail............you dont really need her love --just her respect and hopefully mutual understanding

 

[Sparkster]

Date: 5/19/2005 12:22:53 AM
Author: sjz
Is the daughter going to be a part of the wedding? I''m wondering if maybe she is feeling left out. I don''t think the way she is feeling and acting is really all that unusual. I''ve heard lots of stories about step-kids and future step-kids behaving this way toward their parent''s new spouses and spouses-to-be. If she has a mother already, she is probably NOT looking for another mother. At her age, you probably need to try and be a friend to her, while still maintaining your adult role in the relationship. If she''s not already a part of the wedding, it might not hurt to find something for her to do. I''m not talking bridesmaid kind of thing necessarily, but is there some kind of role or function that you and her father could ask her to fill that might make her feel more like a ''part'' of the whole event, instead of some resentful bystander? I don''t know if it would do any good, but it couldn''t hurt to try? Even if you don''t like the girl, and you''d rather not have her at your wedding, I don''t suggest making matters worse by eloping or anything like that. I''m not even sure it''s wise to tell your FI how you are feeling. It would only put him in a very bad position of feeling torn between the two of you. Remember, this is his wedding too, and I''m sure that he would feel very hurt to be forced to leave his own daughter out of it just because she makes you feel uncomfortable. The only thing you would accomplish by this would be to have BOTH the bride and the groom feeling miserable on their wedding day.

Sooner or later you and this girl are going to have to come to grips with your new relationship. Otherwise you are in for a very rocky married life. Kids can be tough to deal with sometimes under the best of circumstances, but blended families and all the tricky dynamics that go along with it are something even more challenging to pull off. I wish you good luck with your marriage and your step-parenting role. It sounds like you are going to need it.

His daughter has said that she will attend the wedding but doesn''t want to be part of the bridal party. When his daughter went back home, I said to my FI that she was being presumptions that I would want her to be in the bridal party considering how she treats me.. He told her this a few days later and she was brought back to earth a little bit - she honestly thought that I would want her as part of it, despite how she is to me.

I have never tried to be her mother - just her friend instead. I told her the reason behind this was because she has a mother - one she loves dearly and who loves her back and it would be disrespectul for me to try and take her place.

I don''t discipline them nor tell them what to do (except I do ask them to do their chores around the house). She knows that I have never tried to keep her father away from her - in fact, she knows that I encourage him to see her as often as he can. Her mother has remarried and she is fine with that. I guess she honestly thinks that I am now Daddy''s princess and have taken her place (which is why his son has accepted me and cares for me). I treat both children equally and yet the only difficulties ever seem to come from her.

Because I love my FI so much, I would never stop her coming to the wedding......doesn''t stop me wishing that she won''t be there though.

 

[Petra]

Date: 5/18/2005 10:11:36 PM
Author:Sparkster
My fiance has two children from his prevoius marriage. I get along with his son but not with his 13 y/o daughter. I have been with my fiance for 7 years. His daughter has said to us that she would accept her father marrying anyone else but me. I have looked after her and cared for her for seven years, even though she hates me. It''s taken its toll on me and I''ve got to the point of I don''t give a damn about her anymore. When she comes over on access weekends, I now do absoutely nothing for her. My fiance has accepted the fact that his daughter may never accept me and understands that I don''t want to be there for his daughter anymore (even though it hurts him).

You probably want more support than I''m going to give you. Your fiancé is a father, and his DAUGHTER should be his primary concern -- not you. I think it is very cruel of you to say "you don''t give a damn" about her anymore. No matter how hateful she might be she is just a little kid and you are mucking up the relationship she has with the first man she''ll ever love. She wasn’t given a choice for her parents to divorce or to have you enter her life. She is a child you are an adult – start acting like one.

Studies have shown that step-mothers don''t take as good of care of step-children. Maybe reading "The Truth about Cinderella" would open your eyes. From the book: A child is one hundred times more likely to be abused or killed by a step-parent than by a genetic parent. This startling finding was unearthed by two Canadian scientists who predicted, on Darwinian grounds, that the official orthodoxy, which ignores family ties, obscures the increased dangers to children of living in stepfamilies. This threat, although a recurring theme of folk-tales worldwide, has been scandalously neglected by policy makers and opinion formers. But why does relatedness have such a profound effect? In a classic application of evolutionary theory, Martin Daly and Margo Wilson present the evidence from societies around the world to tell, at last, the Darwinian truth about Cinderella.

From what you write she is right in not liking you.

I''m not trying to start some kind to storm over mixed families -- really I''m not. But it angers me when I read things like this. I know of mothers who have given up their children to stay with their boyfriends, and stepchildren kicked out of their homes while still in high school (but 18 so it was legal) to placate the spouse. Once children enter the picture I think they are your top concern, and if you don''t want to take up that responsibility and aren''t willing to be their champions and protectors for 18+ years you should not have them.

You don’t like the relationship this man has with his daughter, don’t marry him. Simple. She will always be his daughter – a relationship that is as permanent as they come. He can always divorce you.

 

[hlmr]

Date: 5/19/2005 8:17:02 AM
Author: Petra

Date: 5/18/2005 10:11:36 PM
Author:Sparkster
My fiance has two children from his prevoius marriage. I get along with his son but not with his 13 y/o daughter. I have been with my fiance for 7 years. His daughter has said to us that she would accept her father marrying anyone else but me. I have looked after her and cared for her for seven years, even though she hates me. It''s taken its toll on me and I''ve got to the point of I don''t give a damn about her anymore. When she comes over on access weekends, I now do absoutely nothing for her. My fiance has accepted the fact that his daughter may never accept me and understands that I don''t want to be there for his daughter anymore (even though it hurts him).

You probably want more support than I''m going to give you. Your fiancé is a father, and his DAUGHTER should be his primary concern -- not you. I think it is very cruel of you to say ''you don''t give a damn'' about her anymore. No matter how hateful she might be she is just a little kid and you are mucking up the relationship she has with the first man she''ll ever love. She wasn’t given a choice for her parents to divorce or to have you enter her life. She is a child you are an adult – start acting like one.

Studies have shown that step-mothers don''t take as good of care of step-children. Maybe reading ''The Truth about Cinderella'' would open your eyes. From the book: A child is one hundred times more likely to be abused or killed by a step-parent than by a genetic parent. This startling finding was unearthed by two Canadian scientists who predicted, on Darwinian grounds, that the official orthodoxy, which ignores family ties, obscures the increased dangers to children of living in stepfamilies. This threat, although a recurring theme of folk-tales worldwide, has been scandalously neglected by policy makers and opinion formers. But why does relatedness have such a profound effect? In a classic application of evolutionary theory, Martin Daly and Margo Wilson present the evidence from societies around the world to tell, at last, the Darwinian truth about Cinderella.

From what you write she is right in not liking you.

I''m not trying to start some kind to storm over mixed families -- really I''m not. But it angers me when I read things like this. I know of mothers who have given up their children to stay with their boyfriends, and stepchildren kicked out of their homes while still in high school (but 18 so it was legal) to placate the spouse. Once children enter the picture I think they are your top concern, and if you don''t want to take up that responsibility and aren''t willing to be their champions and protectors for 18+ years you should not have them.

You don’t like the relationship this man has with his daughter, don’t marry him. Simple. She will always be his daughter – a relationship that is as permanent as they come. He can always divorce you.

I agree wholeheartedly. Perhaps Sparkster, when you have children of your own and feel the real love and pain that comes from a parent/child relationship you would be kinder to this child. She is obviously in a lot of pain, is crying out for attention and unfortunately your own wants and needs are too similar to hers for you to understand her angst and see the big picture. Thirteen is a very difficult age without this trauma added to the mix.

Patience and understanding, not hate and selfishness, will help this situation.

Heather

 

[jorman]

Date: 5/19/2005 9:20:17 AM
Author: hlmr

Date: 5/19/2005 8:17:02 AM

Author: Petra

Date: 5/18/2005 10:11:36 PM

Author:Sparkster

My fiance has two children from his prevoius marriage. I get along with his son but not with his 13 y/o daughter. I have been with my fiance for 7 years. His daughter has said to us that she would accept her father marrying anyone else but me. I have looked after her and cared for her for seven years, even though she hates me. It''s taken its toll on me and I''ve got to the point of I don''t give a damn about her anymore. When she comes over on access weekends, I now do absoutely nothing for her. My fiance has accepted the fact that his daughter may never accept me and understands that I don''t want to be there for his daughter anymore (even though it hurts him).

You probably want more support than I''m going to give you. Your fiancé is a father, and his DAUGHTER should be his primary concern -- not you. I think it is very cruel of you to say ''you don''t give a damn'' about her anymore. No matter how hateful she might be she is just a little kid and you are mucking up the relationship she has with the first man she''ll ever love. She wasn’t given a choice for her parents to divorce or to have you enter her life. She is a child you are an adult – start acting like one.


Studies have shown that step-mothers don''t take as good of care of step-children. Maybe reading ''The Truth about Cinderella'' would open your eyes. From the book: A child is one hundred times more likely to be abused or killed by a step-parent than by a genetic parent. This startling finding was unearthed by two Canadian scientists who predicted, on Darwinian grounds, that the official orthodoxy, which ignores family ties, obscures the increased dangers to children of living in stepfamilies. This threat, although a recurring theme of folk-tales worldwide, has been scandalously neglected by policy makers and opinion formers. But why does relatedness have such a profound effect? In a classic application of evolutionary theory, Martin Daly and Margo Wilson present the evidence from societies around the world to tell, at last, the Darwinian truth about Cinderella.


From what you write she is right in not liking you.


I''m not trying to start some kind to storm over mixed families -- really I''m not. But it angers me when I read things like this. I know of mothers who have given up their children to stay with their boyfriends, and stepchildren kicked out of their homes while still in high school (but 18 so it was legal) to placate the spouse. Once children enter the picture I think they are your top concern, and if you don''t want to take up that responsibility and aren''t willing to be their champions and protectors for 18+ years you should not have them.


You don’t like the relationship this man has with his daughter, don’t marry him. Simple. She will always be his daughter – a relationship that is as permanent as they come. He can always divorce you.

I agree wholeheartedly. Perhaps Sparkster, when you have children of your own and feel the real love and pain that comes from a parent/child relationship you would be kinder to this child. She is obviously in a lot of pain, is crying out for attention and unfortunately your own wants and needs are too similar to hers for you to understand her angst and see the big picture. Thirteen is a very difficult age without this trauma added to the mix.


Patience and understanding, not hate and selfishness, will help this situation.


Heather

Sorry you aren''t getting a ton of support here, but this subject is sensitive to many step-daughters.
It sounds to me like you are not prepared to handle the roll of step-parent. As if being 13 isn''t hard enough, let''s toss a person who really doesn''t like this little girl into the mix and try to make a big happy family cake. It takes a lot of work and a lot of giving ON YOUR PART to make this work and it doesn''t sound like you want to put forth the effort. If you love this man and you want him in your life, you are going to have to love her and want her too, no matter how she acts. She is a kid, adolescence is rearing it''s ugly head and now she is going to have a step mom who would for all intensive purposes- be much happier if she wasn''t in the picture. Also she may be a child, but she has intuition and she knows you don''t like her. Being negative about her to her father isn''t make the situation any better and it doesn''t make you look very good to him either. In my opinion, you should stop throwing your pitty party and start looking at this situation as a MOM. You may not realize it, but you are about to become one. If you don''t think you can accept her role in his life and the importance of their relationship as father and daughter, maybe you shouldn''t marry him.

 

[moremoremore]

It will NOT ruin your day that she is there. In fact, you won''t even be thinking of her. Trust me, I know.

My father is the devil in my eyes and did not approve that I married outside of my faith. Hoping that he wouldn''t come to the wedding, I invited him....well, he came with my mom. I would have pref;d that he didn''t come b/c I didn''t want him to ruin my day...I knew he was there just to save face...WELL, I didn''t think about him the whole day...couldn''t have cared less...even took a picture with him and I was having such a great day I didn''t care about anything!

 

[pinkangel]

I don''t normally post very often, but I have been where you''re at. It IS a very difficult situation.

The only thing I can tell you, as mentioned by the other posters, is please keep trying. You are the adult, and she is a child. It took nearly 10 years, but my stepson and I are finally developing a relationship. It has been so hurtful to me, but I just kept telling myself that if I continued to take "the high road" and kept doing the very best I could, that hopefully one day he would stop seeing me as a threat, or a replacement, and begin seeing me as a person in my own right. And maybe one day we could be friends. It has improved as he''s gotten older, and begun maturing. (he''s 16 now)

He always used to refer to our home as "my dad''s house" i never counted at all. He was hostile to me in the begining, but after a few years, I was just ignored. That was almost more hurtful than the hostility. I kept trying, and telling myself that I had to do the right thing, that he was a child, I was the adult, and my husband loved him, and for my husband, I HAD to keep trying. Things very slowly began to improve...he began talking to me a little...and we have begun to become friends. I cannot describe to you the joy I felt this last Christmas, when he presented me with a $1.99 candle from Walmart as a gift. It may not sound like much, but I love candles, and he paid for this himself, and the thought was worth a million bucks to me. It was a real breakthrough. I hope that as he continues to grow up, our friendship will grow. Please don''t give up. For both of your sakes!

 

[rms]

I am sorry for your situation, but I will say that the children are the first priority. Period. So I agree with the folks saying that you need to work on this, constantly. I also think that your FI has an important role in helping to develop this for you and his daughter, but also for you as an entire family. It has been hard, still is, and likely will be for quite some time to come. But life is hard, so you have to fight to do the right thing, rather than throw your hands in the air.

 

[sjz]

Date: 5/19/2005 1:56:18 AM
Author: Sparkster

His daughter has said that she will attend the wedding but doesn''t want to be part of the bridal party. When his daughter went back home, I said to my FI that she was being presumptions that I would want her to be in the bridal party considering how she treats me.. He told her this a few days later and she was brought back to earth a little bit - she honestly thought that I would want her as part of it, despite how she is to me.

I have never tried to be her mother - just her friend instead. I told her the reason behind this was because she has a mother - one she loves dearly and who loves her back and it would be disrespectul for me to try and take her place.

I don''t discipline them nor tell them what to do (except I do ask them to do their chores around the house). She knows that I have never tried to keep her father away from her - in fact, she knows that I encourage him to see her as often as he can. Her mother has remarried and she is fine with that. I guess she honestly thinks that I am now Daddy''s princess and have taken her place (which is why his son has accepted me and cares for me). I treat both children equally and yet the only difficulties ever seem to come from her.

Because I love my FI so much, I would never stop her coming to the wedding......doesn''t stop me wishing that she won''t be there though.

I wasn''t really suggesting that she be a bridesmaid or anything. It''s easy to tell from your first post that the relationship between you wouldn''t be concusive to something like that. I meant maybe she could participate in some other way. Like if you are having a church wedding, could she maybe be a lector or read a passage from the Bible or that type of thing? Or maybe be a hostess at the reception? Light a candle? Pass out flowers? Seems like you could be creative and think of something that she might be able to do, other than be in the wedding party.

If you are wanting absolute honesty, I will also have to tell you that I don''t think it was presumtuous for her to have thought you''d ask her to be in the wedding party. It might have been a nice gesture on your part, even in somewhat insincere. Even though she SAYS she didn''t want to do it, I''m sure that some part of her is probabaly hurt that you didn''t ask. Have you forgotten what it''s like to be 13? I have a daughter that is nearly 13, and everyday I am remembering how it was by watching her. That is such a tough age, anyway. You really aren''t a kid anymore, and adults expect a lot out of you, but you really aren''t mature and grown up enough to know how to handle some things, especially emotions. I''m sure that she wants her dad to be happy, but she is probably also having a hard time with the changes that she knows are coming ahead. She probably worries about whether or not her place in daddy''s life will change, worrying about what will happen if you and daddy have more kids, worried about maybe not being the center of daddy''s world anymore. I know it''s an old cliche'', but there really is something to the idea that often father''s and daughter''s have a special bond. She is probably afraid that bond is somehow going to change or be broken by this new life he''s about to begin with you, and that is scary. 13 year olds sometimes manifest fear by lashing out and being angry. Angry then can handle, scared not so much.

Maybe in some ways, you even feel a little threatened by her, too? She did come first, after all...and she is a huge link to her dad''s past life...including his ex-wife. I''m not saying that''s what''s going on with you, but have you considered it? You said your relationship with the son is fine. Part of that is probably because he accepts you more and you don''t feel threatened by his relationship with his dad. I don''t know how to tell you to get past this, but you really have to find a way. In my very humble and honest opinion, I have to tell you that as a parent who has been through a divorce and had a child from my previous marriage, I always felt the responsibility to put my son first. He came first, after all, and didn''t ask for the divorce or my remarriage. He just kind of got "stuck" with it all. Lucky for me, he and my second husband always got along really well and there wasn''t a problem. But I told my husband right off the bat, if it ever came down to making a choice, I would have to choose my son. He went into the relationship with his eyes wide open on that issue. Your FI may not have said these words to you, but I can almost guarantee you that in his heart, he feels the same. I think you need to be clear on that, and maybe have a discussion with him before you get married and get all your cards on the table. I really believe a parent''s first and primary responsibility is to their kids. Especially if their marriage is to someone other than the child''s other parent. Sorry, but that''s the way I feel. And most good parents that I know feel the same way.

 

[AGBF]

Date: 5/18/2005 10:57:24 PM
Author: Sparkster
It's just that it's gotten to a point where I can't keep on giving to her when I get nothing back....

Yes you can, and that is what my (very wise) father would have told me had I been in your position. He tells me I can do all sorts of things I know I cannot...and I usually manage to. Although I go kicking and screaming.

Let's face it: you hate her. You can act in a loving way, however. If you do, in time she will come to love you and you will come to love her. In some way or another.

But, as everyone else has said, you are the adult. When one is a parent, she must love unconditionally. Act in a loving way no matter what she does. I have a daughter that age. I can barely restrain myself from killing her 7 days out of 7. But that "barely" is good enough.

I am NOT saying this is easy. I am saying you have NO CHOICE. If you do not nurture her now, the rest of your life will be marred by the bad relationship you and she have. If your husband is a decent man, he will never choose you over her. Only you-ONLY you-can change this situation.

Deborah

 

[youngster]

OK, how about this: Have you considered getting some family therapy with a well-qualified professional who has helped other families through similar situations? It could greatly benefit you, your future husband and your future step-daughter. It sends the message that you acknowledge the present difficulties and hostilities, that you acknowledge her feelings and anger, and that you are in this for the long run and really want a positive relationship to develop. At worst, it will give you someone, other than your fiancee, to vent your frustration to, who will be objective and provide some positive advice regarding how to best handle your situation.

 

[fire&ice]

Date: 5/18/2005 11:19:00 PM
Author: AChiOAlumna

Unfortunately, (and this is going to be the hard part) you''re going to need to take the adult stance here and continue providing her unconditional caring regardless of how it is received or how she responds.

Succinctly put, this is the bottom line.

You can pick your husband. You can pick your friends. You can even pick your nose. BUT - you can''t pick your family. She''s his. She is now yours. I would quickly deal with the hostility you seem to feel towards her. She''s 13. She probably hates the world.

Quite frankly, I would ask her to be part of the bridal party. She can so no; but, you would have taken the high road. Something she will remember and probably feel bad about when an adult.

 

[AGBF]

Date: 5/19/2005 11:06:34 AM
Author: fire&ice
Quite frankly, I would ask her to be part of the bridal party. She can so no; but, you would have taken the high road. Something she will remember and probably feel bad about when an adult.

I agree. I agree wholeheartedly. I think, in fact, that you should *urge* her to be part of the wedding party. If I were you and I couldn''t *say* this to her, I would write it. (I do think it would be better to say it, though.)

Here''s the basic speech (to be edited as needed):

"No person wants to see her father marrying someone other than her mother. I know that the day your father and I get married is going to be very hard on you. Even though this will hurt you, your father loves you very, very much. I would love to have you as a bridesmaid. I know that if you do this, you will not be happy. I know that if you do this, you will not be doing this for me. But I think it would give your father great pleasure to see your face when he is in the (church, synagogue,chapel). You mean more to him than anyone."

There is a fine line between generous urging and a guilt trip, but I would try to walk that line, not forcing her, but letting her know that you very much want this and that her father loves her.

Deb

 

[fire&ice]

Date: 5/19/2005 11:29:36 AM
Author: AGBF

Date: 5/19/2005 11:06:34 AM
Author: fire&ice
Quite frankly, I would ask her to be part of the bridal party. She can so no; but, you would have taken the high road. Something she will remember and probably feel bad about when an adult.

I agree. I agree wholeheartedly. I think, in fact, that you should *urge* her to be part of the wedding party. If I were you and I couldn''t *say* this to her, I would write it. (I do think it would be better to say it, though.)

Here''s the basic speech (to be edited as needed):

''No person wants to see her father marrying someone other than her mother. I know that the day your father and I get married is going to be very hard on you. Even though this will hurt you, your father loves you very, very much. I would love to have you as a bridesmaid. I know that if you do this, you will not be happy. I know that if you do this, you will not be doing this for me. But I think it would give your father great pleasure to see your face when he is in the (church, synagogue,chapel). You mean more to him than anyone.''

There is a fine line between generous urging and a guilt trip, but I would try to walk that line, not forcing her, but letting her know that you very much want this and that her father loves her.

Deb

Deb - has h*ll frozen over?

I agree on your approach as well.

Is the boy going to be part of the wedding party? I would think that appropriate as well.

 

[AGBF]

Date: 5/19/2005 11:34:24 AM
Author: fire&ice

Deb - has h*ll frozen over?

I was thinking the same thing, but did not wish to be indelicate. I suspect the devil has strapped on his ice skates.

Deb

 

[sjz]

Date: 5/19/2005 11:34:24 AM
Author: fire&ice

Date: 5/19/2005 11:29:36 AM
Author: AGBF

Date: 5/19/2005 11:06:34 AM
Author: fire&ice
Quite frankly, I would ask her to be part of the bridal party. She can so no; but, you would have taken the high road. Something she will remember and probably feel bad about when an adult.

I agree. I agree wholeheartedly. I think, in fact, that you should *urge* her to be part of the wedding party. If I were you and I couldn''t *say* this to her, I would write it. (I do think it would be better to say it, though.)

Here''s the basic speech (to be edited as needed):

''No person wants to see her father marrying someone other than her mother. I know that the day your father and I get married is going to be very hard on you. Even though this will hurt you, your father loves you very, very much. I would love to have you as a bridesmaid. I know that if you do this, you will not be happy. I know that if you do this, you will not be doing this for me. But I think it would give your father great pleasure to see your face when he is in the (church, synagogue,chapel). You mean more to him than anyone.''

There is a fine line between generous urging and a guilt trip, but I would try to walk that line, not forcing her, but letting her know that you very much want this and that her father loves her.

Deb

Deb - has h*ll frozen over?

I agree on your approach as well.

Is the boy going to be part of the wedding party? I would think that appropriate as well.

Me too, me too! I also think that Deb''s idea (with F&I''s thought about including the son, too) is the very best approach. And I think Deb''s speech is word perfect! I honestly think that the biggest part of the burden of healing this situation is going to have to fall on you, because you are the person who is coming into this situation and changing the family dynamic. You are the person who is changing the status quo, so you are the one who is going to have to find a way to make it work. By all means, include your future husband and his kids in the process, but YOU are going to have to take the initiative and get over your disappointment and resentment of this girl''s attitude and be the bigger person. She may never come to love you or be your friend, but you have to find a way to make her at least respect you and treat you in a respectful way. A very wise person once told me that we are all like mirrors to other people. The way we are treated by others is most often a reflection of the way we treat others. Treat her in the most respectful, loving, and compassionate way that you can possibly muster, and I would bet that eventually you will see some reflection of that in her attitude toward you. It may take a while and often be difficult to see, but I think it can happen.

 

[jorman]

I agree with Deb. I was 13 when my mom remarried and was invited by both my mom and step dad to be a part of the bridal party. I was SO ANGRY at both my mom and my step father for marrying, but being a part of the wedding, having a special bouquet, a special dress, wearing high heels for the first time, and standing up at the front of the church hearing them share their vows, somehow helped me deal. It didn''t stop me from being a total brat to my step father for at least the first 2 years- and believe me I was NASTY (talking back, rolling eyes, ignoring, being a total smarty, knowing it all)- but it helped all the same. By the time I graduated high school I had accepted him for all he was- my mom''s husband and my friend. He always supported me and for that I appreciated him. We learned to respect each other, but it wasn''t easy.

He died my junior year of college. I was glad I still didn''t hate him.

 

[AGBF]

I agree with fire&ice and sjz that his son should also be in the wedding party. In fact, I would elicit his son''s word to be one of the party and then use that to help his daughter feel she "has to" be in the wedding party, too. You know, I think she *wants* to be, but has to be told she is doing it for her father. If anyone dared suggest she might get *any* pleasure from it she would absolutely refuse!!! She should be given some *special* role. If she is the one junior bridesmaid, perhaps she could be given a job to do that no one else does.

Deb, remembering her days teaching grades 9-12