Reluctant LIW

[allycat0303]

Galateia,

I''m glad you came to a conclusion which gives you peace. Honestly, it sounds like being stuck between a rock and a hard place. You want the relationship, to see where it can take you, but to see where it takes you...the only solution seems to get married. And you''re not ready for the wedding tomorrow, nor for the relationship to end.

It''s hard choices in life. And I do think that not being able to work in Texas is going to make it a little harder (wait A LOT harder) when a girl is used to supporting herself, it''s a huge adjustement not to be able to do that. That was one of the reasons that my ex''s sister came home. Her job, and carreer were here, and she would call me from New York bored and depressed.

You know what I would do? Take a 6 month sabbatical from work, put my apartment up for lease, get a visitors visa, stay for a year, six months, and see where it goes from there. But whatever you do, make the decison that gives you peace, that you can feel good about. I can''t think of anything more scary then trying to convince yourself into a marriage

From experience too. Never got there unfortunately.

keep us updated.

 

[mia15]

I agree with the others. It sounds like you''ve really looked at the matter and you''ve reached a conclusion that you feel comfortable with, and I like your adventurous outlook.

Re working; is it possible to start an online business while you''re in Texas? That was my main concern, what you''ll get to do with your time for the next few years. (I think I remember that you''re a costumer, right? What about sewing for wedding stuff, veils, and so forth? The construction of costume and wedding clothes are certainly similar).

 

[hlmr]

Good for you Gala! I am glad you are feeling optimistic about your future again!

I have a friend that learned to drive (in Toronto

) at the age of 38, so I''m sure you can do it too!!

I neglected to mention that when I first moved with my husband, we weren''t married. We had been together for about 7 years at that point and I decided I would move with him to see if we could make it work. The following year we were engaged and 11 months after that we got married.

Good luck with your decision, and no matter how things turn out, what a wonderful life experience you will have!

 

[galeteia]

Update II:

Talked with FF. Thumbs-up. He's on board.

He said his '[FF] senses were tingling' but he wasn't succeeding in 'getting a conversation about it going'.(Dang, I love dating a psychologist) He was worried, but since I wasn't in a space to talk, there wasn't much he could do. He was still a bit miffed that I didn't come to him about it since 'these are the things we need to work on together' rather than just working through it on my own and then 'bringing the solution to' him at the end. While I agree with that in general, I do think in this case, and he agreed I was right, I really needed objectivity and he wasn't able to give me that.

So it seems like we have a viable plan that makes sense to, and is comfortable for, both of us.

Mara: Ah! Well, if she is your twin, that would explain it.

I'm glad you also have one of 'those' mothers; my housemate doesn't have one like ours so she borrows mine from time to time!

Kimberly: That's my understanding of a civil marriage too. Not even vows are exchanged, you just sign the license and you are legally married. We were always planning on doing it that way at first, and then planning 'The Wedding' which would happen a few years later. However, with the 2-year plan we are making the subtle but crucial change of re-evaluating at the 2-year mark whether 'The Marriage' is even on the table. We can step onto the conveyor belt then, or not, or postpone the decision further. Also, thank you for chiming in on the 'I've talked on the phone all day, I love you but bug off' feeling I've been having-- good to know I'm not the only one who dreads those long conversations at the end of the day! And when you are in an LD relationship, that's all you really have left...

Ally: One of the reasons we're going this route is that the 'paper marriage' will give me a temporary (then longer temporary) greencard permit to work. I will be able to work right away, but there is no guarantees as to what kind of job I'll be able to land. He won't be able to fully support me, but he'll be able to cover the big expenses like rent, so my income will be mostly disposable. Aka it will be going to pay off my student loans.

So even a 'mcjob' will do in a pinch. I'm definitely going to investigate the costume opportunity as that will give me something I love to do, helping balance out an unideal job and a busy FF.

It really did feel like the 'rock and the hard place', and boy do I know what you mean about trying to 'convince yourself into a marriage'! Scary indeed. I was 100% I wanted a relationship, but marriage? Eeeek!

Looking back at this thread, I feel a little silly for not coming up with the 2 year solution before, because it seems so obvious now... but that's what PS is good for-- giving your perspective a kick in the pants!

 

[LizzieC]

I''m glad you''ve adjusted your attitude about this whole situation. I think you''ve already prepared yourself for the worst... now start expecting the best. One thing is guaranteed... if you go into this thinking you''re going to hate it and be miserable, then you''ll hate it and be miserable. If you can keep an optimistic and adventurous open mind, then I''m sure you''ll be just fine. And if you stop referring to/thinking of your future home as a "wasteland" you''ll be even better.

 

[galeteia]

Date: 10/22/2006 7:50:40 PM
Author: emeraldlover
I agree with the others. It sounds like you''ve really looked at the matter and you''ve reached a conclusion that you feel comfortable with, and I like your adventurous outlook.


Re working; is it possible to start an online business while you''re in Texas? That was my main concern, what you''ll get to do with your time for the next few years. (I think I remember that you''re a costumer, right? What about sewing for wedding stuff, veils, and so forth? The construction of costume and wedding clothes are certainly similar).

Emeraldlover: Starting an online business isn''t a bad idea at all. I used to have a little side hobby where I made exotic wood hairsticks (out of desperation because I couldn''t find any I liked/could afford) and I was going to set it up as a little business but I was in school and I ran out of free time. I could take that up again... and the costuming, of course, is a big plus.

Hlmr: Thanks, I''m glad to be feeling optimistic again too! I supposed I''ll never have as ideal cirumstances when learning how to drive as I will there, so I might as well take the bull by the horns and conquer my phobia, right?

 

[KimberlyH]

Gala, you are not the only one. And often hurt his feelings and was hard for me to compromise on. I was a personal/executive assistant to the MD of a public affairs firm, I was on the phone ALL DAY LONG. And I longed for silence and peace when I got home.

Yay for him being on board! I'm so glad you worked things out.

Edited for clarification: I meant to say "And often hurt his feelings and was hard for me to compromise my personal time and need for quiet with the need for us to be as together as we possible could from 500 miles away."

 

[diamondseeker2006]

I think you have made a very sensible plan!

But I did have one other question about the civil marriage thing. If you later decide to go your separate ways, do you have to do a divorce? If so, then it is marriage.

 

[galeteia]

Date: 10/22/2006 9:12:40 PM
Author: diamondseeker2006
I think you have made a very sensible plan!


But I did have one other question about the civil marriage thing. If you later decide to go your separate ways, do you have to do a divorce? If so, then it is marriage.

Oh sure, bring up the scary stuff again...

Legally, you have 'married' status. Religiously, it is not. It really depends on what you consider to be 'marriage', I suppose. Recently I found out that one of my co-workers was married this way for 7 years! (Apparently I underestimated his age by a decade

) They did it for much the same reasons; she was from Belgium and her visa ran out, and it was either break up or get married. They are still friends, but they've decided to amicably dissolve the 'paper marriage'.

However, it's my understanding that an amicable divorce with no assets (we won't have any) or children (ditto) is about $500 to have processed. In order for that to be realistically possible, we need to be crystal-clear on our expectations when entering into this situation, and I think we have that.

One of the things that FF and I are totally in agreement with our opinion that a wedding 'is an anouncement of a union that already exists' rather than something that 'creates' the union. (I absolutely undersrand that this is not everyone's opinion, this is just what is true for *us*) He's described it as a more convenient way to tell everyone important all at once rather than tracking them down individually.

By declaring vows in front of your 'village' and then having a big celebration afterwards, you are letting everyone else know that you are a committed couple. We share this belief, so for us, the 'marriage' isn't a marriage until you have some sort of formalized hoopla involving a bawling FMIL (that'll be his mom), buffalo wings, and calla lillies.

Hope that makes our situation a little clearer.

ETA: to fix some iffy grammar.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Okay, that''s good you know the process. I think MINE on here did a civil marriage and then planned a formal wedding for the next year. Of course, if you have the civil marriage, you are married, and you do not ever have to have another ceremony, particularly if you do not have a religious reason to do so. So that really frees you up to do what suits you as a couple rather than what others might expect.

 

[galeteia]

Date: 10/22/2006 10:11:04 PM
Author: diamondseeker2006
Okay, that''s good you know the process. I think MINE on here did a civil marriage and then planned a formal wedding for the next year. Of course, if you have the civil marriage, you are married, and you do not ever have to have another ceremony, particularly if you do not have a religious reason to do so. So that really frees you up to do what suits you as a couple rather than what others might expect.

Good point; I''m all about being ''freed up'' to do what suits us best. That coincides with our non-tradionalist leanings, anyway. Everyone wins! (Well, except for his mother/family. Let''s not go there.)

 

[Maria D]

Galateia, it's nice to hear that you and your boyfriend have a solution that you're both happy with; that's what really matters.

Regarding "civil union" and "civil marriage":

Civil unions are recognized in some states and were created as a way for gay couples to have the benefits of marriage in states where gay marriage is not legal. I don't think Texas recognizes civil unions at all.

People can attach their own individual meanings/values to "civil marriages" it but in the eyes of the state, it's just plain marriage. Any couple that marries in the U.S. has to get a marriage license, whether they have a religious ceremony or not. It's not like you go to the courthouse to get a "real" marriage license if you are exchanging vows in a religious (or spiritual) setting, as opposed to getting the secular "civil marriage" license if you are not. There's only one type of marriage license and it gives all marrying couples the same exact rights and benefits of marriage. I believe it's the same in Canada?

ETA: I'm really not that daft! I start writing posts, get distracted by life around me, and then finish up to find that what I've just posted has already been addressed and put to bed.

That's where I'm going too....

 

[galeteia]

Date: 10/22/2006 10:52:51 PM
Author: Maria D
Galateia, it''s nice to hear that you and your boyfriend have a solution that you''re both happy with; that''s what really matters.


Regarding ''civil union'' and ''civil marriage'':


Civil unions are recognized in some states and were created as a way for gay couples to have the benefits of marriage in states where gay marriage is not legal. I don''t think Texas recognizes civil unions at all.


People can attach their own individual meanings/values to ''civil marriages'' it but in the eyes of the state, it''s just plain marriage. Any couple that marries in the U.S. has to get a marriage license, whether they have a religious ceremony or not. It''s not like you go to the courthouse to get a ''real'' marriage license if you are exchanging vows in a religious (or spiritual) setting, as opposed to getting the secular ''civil marriage'' license if you are not. There''s only one type of marriage license and it gives all marrying couples the same exact rights and benefits of marriage. I believe it''s the same in Canada?

In Canada, there are two types of marriage: ''common-law'' marriage and your regular ''signed a license'' marriage. By ''civil marriage'' I mean ''no wedding, rings, or vows'' marriage where it''s strictly a paper transaction.

Up here, if you co-habitate with someone of the opposite gender for 3 years or more, you have ''married'' status and while you don''t have to file divorce papers to get out of it (not sure what kind of proceedure there is), they still have all the rights of a divorced spouse, including asset division, alimony, etc. If you two have a kid, you are ''common-law'' in a single year.

The weddings I''ve attended usually have a moment set aside after the exchange of vows where the bride and groom sign the license in front of the legal officiant, although I never really paid too much attention beyond "Oh yeah, now they''re signing the legal stuff''.

By ''civil union'' I mean the kind where you go to the courthouse and sign the paperwork, and leave with legal status, without anyone trumpting "I hereby pronounce you husband and wife!". I suppose it makes sense that ''civil union'' has a different connetation down there, because up here gay marriage (the full kind) is legal. I have no idea whether common-law applies to same-sex couples or not. If you live with an opposite-sex roomie you have to state that you two are NOT a couple or they assume that you are... I don''t know whether that applies now to everyone?

 

[Mandarine]

Yay Gala!!! seems like you''ve come to a ''solution'' that you feel more comfortable with...and that''s really all that matters!!!!!

I think now that you don''t feel that pressure you will feel so much better about the whole moving thing!.

Good luck and I''m glad things worked out!!!

M~

 

[Tigerbear]

Galateia,

Let me be the first Texan to give you a big welcome to our wonderful state!! I actually recently moved to a town in West Texas that is not all that different from Lubbock. You know what? I wouldn''t want to be anywhere else in the world - if it meant being without my DH. It has been an adjustment but the friendliness of the people who live here definitely makes it easier.

My DH is from India and has only been in the states for 7 years. He completed his residency here and needed to work in a medically underserved area for three years for his visa waiver. Even he has done well with the transition! I do believe your attitude will make all the difference in the world. I also have been amazed by how many foreign doctors have continued to live here after their waiver jobs were completed. It obviously can''t be all bad.

I wish you the best!

 

[TravelingGal]

D) All of the above - with regards to all the assessments of this situation. The most important being that one cannot live without sushi. If TGuy didn''t like it (he had never had it before meeting me) it would have been a dealbreaker!!!

Anyway, re: civil marriage, Maria D is correct. All you need to be married is to agree to marry one another. Therefore the "I do" part is required, but everything else is pomp, circumstance, fluff, etc. etc. They may pronounce you husband and wife, since that is what two married people are, or they may simply pronounce you married.

It seems like you have come to a comfy conclusion for you. Kudos to you. You and a few others have done/will do something I could never do...move my butt to another country for a "what if." Bawk. Thank god for the greencard lottery. Mandarine, keep applying. My friend got it in 2005 after 7 years of trying. TGuy got it on his first try, so I figure it was fate.

I don''t care whether it''s Lubbock, or San Francisco or anywhere else. It''s uprooting, and it''s tough. Not sure how many of us have ever had to do the soul searching, gut wrenching self assessment of whether we could really move FOR someone (not WITH someone, as I really believe that is different). You''re taking a gamble. And while yes, the person staying and getting ready for the mover goes through changes, it does not compare to the mover. I witness this on a daily basis with my husband, and sometimes it breaks my heart when I see him struggle, no matter how small. Even harder still is when I realize that I often take how he''s managed to transition and have a good attitude for granted.

I think you aren''t ready to get married, as you''ve said. You also aren''t ready to give up the man you know you could marry. Hence the dilemma...the opportunity to take the marriage visa is there...so do you take it and try out life in TX or throw away what could possibly be the best thing that ever happened to you? Glad I am not in your shoes...my man won the DV lottery before we had to make that decision. I could honestly say I would have had nightmares if I went through that process. Australia is probably cooler than Lubbock, but even then, I knew I couldn''t do it.

Yeah, I do think you have some wonky ideas of what the U.S. is like. But I wouldn''t want to move to Texas either (with the exception being Austin). You''ve got a freaky fork in the road and you have to make up your mind. It''s like that movie "Sliding Doors"...what would happen if you took the other road? It''s two years of your life that you''ll never get back. Not trying to freak you out, btw...just saying that despite the fact I don''t always agree with your views on things, I fully do understand what a big decision this is for you and why it causes you sleepless nights.

And while I don''t see the move to Lubbock specifically as the main issue here, it will be an issue once you get there. I hope you go very determined to make the best of it. When you hit those bumps in the road, raise your hands and pretend you''re on a wild, fun rollercoaster ride - because yes, love (especially in the early stages) is NOT enough...your attitude will keep you going when his love can''t.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 10/22/2006 1:47:16 AM
Author: aljdewey

Date: 10/22/2006 12:57:04 AM
Author: Galateia

Yes, the location issue has clouded things, but the bottom line is still the same. If he wasn''t where he was, we wouldn''t be going this route.

So herein lies the problem: You want a ''relationship'' with him.....but that''s all you''re ready for. A relationship. Not a marriage.....not yet anyway. Your relationship at this point is still in its infancy, you said.

The problem is that you don''t have time to let the relationship develop because there''s no time - he''s gone for 5 years.

Your choices are 1) marriage or 2) no relationship at all---at least right now. And you don''t want to do either. Those are the only options right now (and for the foreseeable future)---unless your relationship can survive and thrive on LD basis. Five years is a LOOOOOOONG time to do that, though, and I''m not sure many people could withstand that.

So, you need to decide what to do. I''m guessing that you *want* to be ready now---because the opportunity is here now. Now or never. The truth is, you wouldn''t be marrying him if you could remain in a relationship with him.

If you wouldn''t marry him now if he were able to stay in Canada, then you shouldn''t marry him now just because he''s leaving. That''s not the right reason to marry. At times, marriage can be an enormous challenge under the *best* of conditions---when both people know they want to be in it. And even then, sometimes it doesn''t work. It only gets harder if you aren''t both *super* sure you want to be in the marriage.

If the opportunity is now or never, and you''re not ready now, then maybe there''s a reason. Maybe there''s something else you''re supposed to do.

There are moments in life where you want a certain outcome.....and you don''t get it. At the time, it feels like you are getting shortchanged. Then later, something better happens, and you realize that things worked out the way they were supposed to. You realize that this better outcome wouldn''t be possible if you''d have gotten the outcome you wanted previously.

Listen to your instincts.....they aren''t wrong.

Well geez, if I had read Al''s posts more thoroughly, it would have spared me from pretty much saying the same thing...lol!!!

 

[Olive Oil]

Hi Galateia,
Sort of off topic, but I just wanted to throw a couple of possible ideas out there to help you adjust. I''m in a PhD program in California, and often labs will employ the spouses of people in the department, even if they are not specifically in that field. For example, my labmates fiancee works in the main office in the department, although she was not trained in office-type stuff when she got here. From talking to people at different universities, it seems departments are often spouse-friendly. Your ff could let the department know before he got there that if any jobs open, you may be interested.
Second, does he already have a masters degree? If not, and you are absolutely miserable there, he could take a masters and apply at a school in a different location that you would both be happy with for his PhD. Some labs give preference to students that already have a masters degree, so he would likely have a broader range of schools to choose from. This would delay him a couple of years, but may be a fair compromise if you are really unhappy in Lubbock.

I''m glad you came to a decision that you are comfortable with!

 

[galeteia]

"Hence the dilemma...the opportunity to take the marriage visa is there...so do you take it and try out life in TX or throw away what could possibly be the best thing that ever happened to you?"

Nicely put. 'Sliding Doors' is a good analogy. Depending on which one I chose, my life would veer off dramatically. And that's exactly what I was thinking... easy to say "Not ready, don't do it" but look at what I would be throwing away. If there was ever a man so matched for me as to tempt me of all people to marry and uproot to Texas, isn't he worth it to try?

Olive, thanks for the tip on employment. I'll make sure he puts his boys on and asks his department about it *note: sanitized version of the expression*. He already has a Masters, that's one of the reasons why he got a coveted PhD offer in his field. They're already after him to start teaching a class or two next year, even though he has to repeat those classes so he has APA versions of the ones he already took as an M.S. student.

He's none to happy about that, I tell you!

The fact that he's accepted that if I hate it but love him, I'm hauling back to Canada and going back to school (and he can come up and join me when he's done), makes things easier as well. If I can't deal, the relationship will be strained and we'd be better off waiting for him to be done before reuniting. Hopefully by that point we'll know if that reunion is what we want.

 

[anchor31]

I''m glad to come back from the week-end and see that you''ve reached a compromise and are feeling better about this! Good luck, Gala, please keep us posted!

 

[onedrop]

Gala! I am so happy you have come to an understanding that suits you both! Not that my opinion matters, but I love this new plan. You already sound more at peace in your recent posts about the new solution.

Off-topic, but your FF and my BF sound so much alike it''s uncanny especially the part about bringing the problem to him so that you can work it out together instead of going through all sorts of changes in your head and then bringing a solution. I am STILL working on that one!

Hope all works out for you. And do keep us posted.

 

[Larissa]

aljdewey - I understand that you weren''t telling Gala that she isn''t ready. Which is why I didn''t use your name or anyone else''s. I was told time and time again that I wasn''t ready every.single.time I threw a fit, which was more and more often as the visas went through and the move got closer. I thought that maybe, just maybe, that''s what Gala was doing...and if that was the case, then I was attempting to let her know that from me and two other immigrating friends I have (one to Canada, one to US), that it is possibly "normal" to have serious doubts and think that you aren''t ready when going through major events such as these.

Obviviously, at the end of the day, it''s her call as to whether she''s ready or not and she''s said that she''s not. I just hope that if/when she tells her BF she truly thinks it through and makes sure that she''s for real not ready so that she doesn''t hurt him as I hurt mine with all the not readys and fits. Going back on a "not ready" is really hard on one''s relationship. And while she was saying that she wasn''t ready, other things that she was saying at the time seem to make it not as clear cut as that.

 

[Larissa]

Mara - I know that I''m not the only one to have gone through immigration, and I didn''t mean to imply that. Immigration and moving are just really really hard and mess with you to no end. It''s like constantly waiting for one''s life to start. I''m glad that your friends made it through whole in mind and soul. I just know that it''s common to have serious doubts and end up in counseling after moving like that.

By not together, I meant each part of the couple worries about opposite things. I deal with immigration, not having friends, job hunting, my emotions. He deals with trying to get my comfortable, supporting us, teaching me all the new things I need to know. It''s seperate but equal spheres. Our concerns are totally the opposite.

I''m slowly but surely learning that I have differing ideas and opinions on here. I don''t have the time or energy to answer or reply to everything I get called out on. I have *attempted* to explain what I meant by not worrying about the same things together earlier in this post. I understand if you don''t agree, but it seemed as though you were asking me to explain. I tried. If I didn''t succeed and you are actually interested google an immigration support website. You can read about actual couple''s fights there...eggplant vs aburgine, anyone?


Gala - Congrats on reaching a decision!! How much longer until the move? I hope that all goes well for you.

 

[Larissa]

Gala – I understand that this isn’t any of my business, but I’m confused on a point. When we started looking into visas the US didn’t have a civil partnership visa and we didn’t qualify for the UK partnership visa. Has the US started a civil partnership visa recently? Are its terms and conditions the same as the K-1 fiancée visa?

If its fine print isn’t the same, please consider writing wills right after your move. I came to understand that if he should die while I was on certain visas, the government would ship me back to the US where I had no home and no job…right after my very expensive move and quitting of my job.

 

[galeteia]

Date: 10/25/2006 6:55:07 AM
Author: Larissa

Gala – I understand that this isn’t any of my business, but I’m confused on a point. When we started looking into visas the US didn’t have a civil partnership visa and we didn’t qualify for the UK partnership visa. Has the US started a civil partnership visa recently? Are its terms and conditions the same as the K-1 fiancée visa?

If its fine print isn’t the same, please consider writing wills right after your move. I came to understand that if he should die while I was on certain visas, the government would ship me back to the US where I had no home and no job…right after my very expensive move and quitting of my job.

No, I just plan on signing the marriage paperwork and minimizing the impact of the marriage by asking that we not be ''pronounced'' married or that they make a big deal out of it. If I must, I will explain that we are angling for a ceremonial marriage later and don''t want to ''spoil'' it.

If FF died, I would flee back to Canada. Although writing wills isn''t a bad idea, if either of us is likely to be saddled with one another''s student debt if the other dies.

And if I may take it upon myself to offer some advice and sympathy for the ''but that''s not what I meant'' issues you seem to be dealing with, I had a hard time with that as well when I first came on here. Eventually I figured out where I needed to be extra clear on when writing, and also to just not take things so personally. I was never going to agree with or convince some people, so I just tried to focus on making my good intentions apparent, and hoped that people would realize what I was saying came from a good place. I hope they have ... ?

Also, you were quite right about things not being ''cut and dried'' and in the face of the ''easy'' answer ("You can''t do this, stop the train.") I appreciated you speaking up as someone who has faced the same struggle, and that what I was feeling was not the same brand of ''cold feet'' that most women experience heading into a marriage. The circumstances are so different as to force one to toss out the ''normal'' rules of relationships, and I have spent untold hours on immgration support websites and have discovered that many people who are facing similar situations
as mine do feel the same way as I do.

I think it''s one of those situations, like opposing religions, age gaps, interracial relationship, same-sex partners, extreme economic difference, previous children, (etc), where someone on the outside can offer helpful advice and sympathy but without going through the *same* situation, they can''t really understand it on a ''gut'' level. I can imagine how difficult it is for same-sex partners, but I can never *know*; not that it invalidates either my sympathy or my advice, of course!

 

[Larissa]

I was starting to get paranoid that I missed an easier out for us back there

I typically don''t take things so personally, but I feel like I laid it all out, my feelings, trials, struggles in as brief a manner as possible only to be told that I was being unfair to others. I will try to be more clear in the future as well as staying away from hot topics because my time is better spent elsewhere than explaining myself to random people. I guess this topic is such a struggle for me. Somedays I''m thrilled to have moved/married while other days I think it''s the worst possible decision I could make. This, in general, is not a very popular opinion to express in a group of women waiting and wanting to get married. I expect that in 5 years I will be like Mara''s co-workers who moved without a complaint...but not yet!!

Disclaimer (see, I still haven''t learned) - I understand that I''m not in your shoes, that you are happy with your decision, that this post is about you, etc, etc, fine print - but please realise the potential for you to change your mind about your partnership and moving at least six more times in the next couple of years. We don''t acknowledge to anyone that we are married (which sounds similar to your plans?), but the fact that it''s legal still makes it difficult for me.

 

[Mara]

Larissa, you certainly don't owe me or any other 'random person' on here any sort of 'explanation'...I really wouldn't worry about it. I had actually completely forgotten about my post addressing yours since it was posted 4 days ago (a mental lifetime) and Gala had already addressed things on how they worked out best for HER which is what this thread is about.

 

[DonaBella]

I can''t really say anything that anyone else has not already said. I just wanted to share that my brother got married Sept. 15th in Gatlinburg, Tennessee to a lovely young woman from Ireland and she had to give up seeing her family everyday, her country, her friends, her cousins, and her line of work to marry my brother. In fact, as I write this I remember that it was just yesterday that my brother went to Ireland to be with her while she finishes some immigration requirements so she can stay in the states. He initially went to Ireland to ask permission to marry her earlier in the year. Out of respect to her family''s customs and expectations, he went to visit with her family and ask permission from her grandparents. This showed a deep and appreciative respect for her family and when the wedding came, My DH and I had the wonderful pleasure of meeting 8 of her family members in Gatlinburg.

For my new SIL, life is completely different now that she is married to my brother. She has not established any close or real friends yet, so I plan to call her and email her plenty to support her when they get back after the 31st of October. She has to get a job here in the states and become acclimated to Tennessee. For instance, she has to learn to drive on the side of the street we drive on here in the United States. My brother is going to have her go to driving classes for that, I believe. Her whole world is doing a 380. It will be extremely hard and she is going to need alot of support and patience.

As for getting married at all, that is so individualized. Some people take a long time to decide if that is what is right for them. For others, being single out of choice and being free to date whenever is best. Not everyone is meant--in my opinion--to be married OR in a committed relationship. I have a brother and my DH has a brother that more than likely will never be in a marriage or a committed relationship. For them, it is not what they are seeking.

I feel this is the same with people choosing to have kids or not. Some folks are not meant to be parents. Ever. And I feel you need to really listen to that small voice inside. I have met too many people who had kids and now candidly say that as much as they love their kid(s), they wish they hadn''t of had a child. They struggle too much with the obligation and responsibility. One friend said she enjoys her selfishness alot and it interferes with her role as a mom. She gives that a reason that her marriage didn''t work and also why her daughter spends more time with her father than my friend, her mother. I don''t judge cuz I don''t want folks to judge me.

Listen to your inner self. If you need more time to be just with you, then you should do it cuz you will not be able to 100% give of yourself to another person in this or any other relationship until you are ready. And that''s not fair to anyone.

Just my thoughts on this...agree or disagree...I don''t care cuz feelings just are--they cannot be right or wrong....

 

[galeteia]

Date: 10/25/2006 1:31:55 PM
Author: Larissa
I was starting to get paranoid that I missed an easier out for us back there

I typically don''t take things so personally, but I feel like I laid it all out, my feelings, trials, struggles in as brief a manner as possible only to be told that I was being unfair to others. I will try to be more clear in the future as well as staying away from hot topics because my time is better spent elsewhere than explaining myself to random people. I guess this topic is such a struggle for me. Somedays I''m thrilled to have moved/married while other days I think it''s the worst possible decision I could make. This, in general, is not a very popular opinion to express in a group of women waiting and wanting to get married. I expect that in 5 years I will be like Mara''s co-workers who moved without a complaint...but not yet!!

Disclaimer (see, I still haven''t learned) - I understand that I''m not in your shoes, that you are happy with your decision, that this post is about you, etc, etc, fine print - but please realise the potential for you to change your mind about your partnership and moving at least six more times in the next couple of years. We don''t acknowledge to anyone that we are married (which sounds similar to your plans?), but the fact that it''s legal still makes it difficult for me.

That''s the beauty of this ''probationary'' two years; I come, we see, and then make our choice. I am willful enough for two people and I have no interest in shooting myself in the foot. That''s why I''m going down there; the loudest voice says I would be being a idiot donkey for walking away from something that might be the best thing that ever happened to me *only* because I was scared. I''m not really a fan of being motivated by fear, so doggonit, I am going out on a limb and taking a risk. After all, I can always come back. I have family, friends, and opportunties here; I won''t be stranded completely.

And I also agree that the ''difference'' between a ceremonial marriage and a legal one is simply ''in my head'', and that will be a sticking point. We will have to be careful not to refer to one another as ''husband'' and ''wife'' and that it will be difficult to keep that distinction in our own minds, let alone the issues of what to tell other people. But I''ll worry about that when I get there.

For now, I''m just going to hiss at the cold weather and imagine living on the border of Mexico for the winter.

 

[Mandarine]

Date: 10/25/2006 4:17:58 PM
Author: Galateia

That''s the beauty of this ''probationary'' two years; I come, we see, and then make our choice. I am willful enough for two people and I have no interest in shooting myself in the foot. That''s why I''m going down there; the loudest voice says I would be being a idiot donkey for walking away from something that might be the best thing that ever happened to me *only* because I was scared. I''m not really a fan of being motivated by fear, so doggonit, I am going out on a limb and taking a risk. After all, I can always come back. I have family, friends, and opportunties here; I won''t be stranded completely.

And I also agree that the ''difference'' between a ceremonial marriage and a legal one is simply ''in my head'', and that will be a sticking point. We will have to be careful not to refer to one another as ''husband'' and ''wife'' and that it will be difficult to keep that distinction in our own minds, let alone the issues of what to tell other people. But I''ll worry about that when I get there.

For now, I''m just going to hiss at the cold weather and imagine living on the border of Mexico for the winter.

Gala, I''m happy for you!

The main thing I think we were all trying to say was to listen to your inner voice, your instics...and it looks like you did and came up with a solution that works for you and FF.

That''s what matters. We''re all different here and some might not see a difference between one ceremony and the other. I do see the difference because this is how we do it back home. Everyone usually does a legal ceremony sometimes months before the actual wedding. What matters is how YOU view it and feel it.

Congrats!

M~