Resentment....

[brooklyngirl]

During the course of a long wait I know many of us LIW get frustrated, and sometimes even a bit resentful of our SO''s. My questions is do any of you engaged/married ladies who''ve had a less than pleasant wait still feel or felt some resentment once the proposal has been executed, or does it just go away?

I post this because I''m getting pretty tired of waiting, and am starting to feel some resentment towards bf. I just want him to propose so we can get on with the rest of our lives.

P.S. this was a bit of a vent, so things aren''t all bad.

 

[mayachel]

I can''t answer this from the perspective you''re asking about, but I can say I understand the question. It''s those frustrations that feel like I''m letting myself take the fun out of the eventual proposal. I often feel like just saying, "hurry up and get it over with, so we can get down to just being married." Which....isn''t really the spirit in which I''d like to enter this.

 

[brooklyngirl]

I feel the exact same way (so glad i''m not alone though!). I always thought this process was supposed to be fun and exciting, and it''s turning out not to be.

We''re supposed to me moving to the west coast in late May/early June, and I would feel very silly announcing such a thing when we''re not even engaged. So I told my bf that he needs to give me at least 3 months to inform work, and my family. He asked if a late Feb or early March proposal is ok with me, and I said that was fine. So, Feb has passed, and I''m still waiting -- and I''m so sick of waiting. I am aching for it to stop one way or another (he will either be my FI or nothing). If there is no proposal by March 15, I''m not sure what that will spell for our relationship.

Sometimes I get kind of annoyed with myself because I keep thinking that I am ruining for myself what is supposed to be a happy and exciting time, and then I get PO''d at bf for making me wait so long (been waiting over 2 years, together for 4) that I''m having a miserable time

!


P.S. The ring was ordered in mid Dec. I''m not sure if it''s taking this long because something was wrong with the ring, but he won''t tell me even if the ring has arrived yet. I really don''t like this whole surprise thing. I think it''s causing more stress than it''s worth.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Hi Brooklyn, sorry you''re in a funk...but I''m going to offer you some good advice from an old married lady (just kidding, I just got married last summer

)

Look at your relationship the same way you would look at building a house. Any good stable home has a sound foundation. This foundation, in relationship terms, is dating or the courting process. What you''re doing right now, although it can take a long while, is building a base for everything else that you want to come. When you''re laying the foundation for a home, that portion can seem like its endless. You have blue prints, and digging, and cement laying, and piping, and so on...it is a very intricate process, but it''s also a huge part, and very telling how the rest of the building will go...you can''t rush it, otherwise you''ll just have to go back later and redo it which will become very expensive very quickly. A good foundation is the key to creating a stable place to live. Once the foundation is laid, then you''re able to move forward with the rest...creating your first floor which is an engagement, and the second floor which is a happy marriage. In the end, you''ll have your home...and it''ll be perfect because you put in the time to make it so without rushing the steps to get there.

I can understand why you''re feeling like you''re developing resentment, but its probably more impatience than anything. You''re eager to get to the rest--engagement, wedding, marriage. And you''re not feeling anything that everyone else hasn''t felt before. But it''s important not to rush this time, because you''ll never get it back. If you''re marrying this man, its because you know you want to spend the rest of your life with him. If we''re talking in terms of "forever" then really, what''s the point of plowing through it? I think you need to take this time, where you feel like your twiddling your thumbs, and instead of shunning it by wanting more right now enjoy it, because you''re creating your memories with this man. You can''t live in the future, and if you waste the present, you''re not doing yourself any favors.

Just my .02

 

[chocolatefudge]

Thanks for that analogy, it''s a nice way to think about it.
Brooklyngirl I feel just the same as you, I constantly think about getting engaged and also often feel that I becoming resentful about it not happening. I''ve been with SO for 7 years so it could be worse for you! Also I don''t really have any idea when it will happen. I really am trying to enjoy this time though.....

 

[Codependent Gal]

I''m with you. It seems like our entire relationship changed after I started bringing up marriage. I guess I just thought that I would bring it up casually and that would be his hint to do it soon. About two months after I initially brought up the "where is this going" conversation, three couples who we know all got engaged (we had been together much longer than all of them) and I will admit that I had a bit too much to drink and flipped out on him. The following day we had a serious conversation and he said that he wanted to get engaged too. I emailed him some pictures of rings that I liked and thought that a proposal was well on its way.

It wasn''t. My birthday passed, Christmas came and went, and we celebrated New Years Eve as "boyfriend/girlfriend". Valentines Day came. We went out to dinner. No proposal. We talked again and I discovered that he had never even looked for a ring. I told him that I was done waiting especially since he obviously doesn''t take my desire to be married seriously and told him that I wanted to break up. I ignored his phone calls for a few days and he said that he was ready and that he was looking for a ring now. At this point I don''t even know if I believe him. I have set an internal date in my mind and if he doesn''t do it by that day I am done. The date is our anniversary, and I think that he is aware that he has to do it by that day (even though I didn''t tell him).

This whole commitment issue is the only thing that we fight about. I don''t like and I can''t really describe the way this whole thing is making me feel. I certainly feel resentment towards him. I would find myself glaring at him when one of the many jewelry store commercials would come on around Christmas and Valentine''s Day. I hate that it makes me feel really bad about myself when I hear about another couple getting engaged. At this point, if he does propose like he has promised I think that I am just going to feel like it FINALLY happened, and I don''t think that it will be as happy as it could have been if we didn''t have to go through all of this to finally get engaged. I don''t know though.

Ugh. I know that he loves me and I don''t know why he has to make this so difficult! I am glad to hear that I am not the only one who is unable to wait patiently.

 

[bee*]

I was with D for nearly 8 and a half years before we got engaged but I never felt overly annoyed about not being engaged-I was more looking forward to it. Although it was a long wait, now that the engagements happened, I can look back now and say that it was totally worth the wait and it was so nice that he was looking forward to getting engaged too, so if your bf has some things that he needs to get done before getting engaged, let him do it as it''s so nice when they''re totally into it too. I hope that it happens soon for you!!

 

[brooklyngirl]

Italia - Thanks for your response! Your perspective and positivity made me feel a bit better

.

Codependent - I know exactly how you feel. I too have set a date, which was our 4th anniversary (which passed in January). I had the whole thing planned out. He goes on a ski trip with the boys every year around that time, and my plan was to move out then. I had an apartment lined up and all that was left to do was pack my things and leave. In October we started ring shopping, and ordered my ring in mid December, so (fortunately) I didn't go through with that plan. I did, however, inform him of my plan the night before he left for the ski trip and he seemed pretty upset by it. He also mentioned that night that if he could have done things differently he would have proposed sooner. I must say that that made me feel a lot better.

I told him that I almost want him to feel what I do, so that he can have an idea of what I went through for 2 years, and all he could say is that he hopes I forget those feelings with time.

At this point I didn't forgive him for it yet ( I suppose bc I'm still waiting

) and I hope that I will be able to. I'm hoping the engagement will dull those feelings and they won't sting as much, but I worry that when it does finally happen (if ever) I will feel like "FINALLY" now we can move on. It's funny bc sometimes I picture myself saying no to the proposal -- then maybe he'll know how it feels. But I think that's just my frustration talking.

I guess at this point I feel like we've built our foundation. I know every I need to know about him and he knows everything he needs to know about me (We have been living together for over 2 years). I know his flaws, I've dealt with them, and I believe I can deal with them for the rest of our lives. I can only imagine he feels the same way. I just want to get out of limbo!

Sorry for the long rant!

ETA: I guess I'm having this burst of LIW anxiety because I've gone past the date when I thought I'd be out of limbo, and am getting increasingly frustrated that I'm still there.

I work fairly far from where we live, and have the option of staying at a hotel during the week. Perhaps that will ease my anxiety?

 

[Pandora II]

My FI had made it very clear to me that he didn''t agree with marriage - he had pretty valid reasons.

I got to the point when I was really pretty upset - mainly because I had told him that it was a make or break issue and I was facing losing the guy I loved enough to marry if he didn''t budge on it.

I eventually realised it was never going to happen and did begin to feel resentment. There were several times I thought he might just surprise me and felt all excited, then he didn''t and I felt totally let down, even though I only had myself to blame as he hadn''t led me to believe he would propose at all.

When he did propose it was a complete shock - especially as the ring came later so there were no hints of any kind.

Did I feel resentment afterwards? I think I did momentarily, just because I felt he''d put me through it unneccessarily (he''d spent 6 months planning the proposal) - but once we started telling everyone I was as excited and happy as if he''d proposed a year earlier.

If I''d known that he wanted to get married, or that we were looking at rings, I would have been so happy just knowing it was in our future that I''d have been fine waiting.

 

[Sabine]

I felt resentment, but I don''t know if it will be the same for you. I knew the only reason my FI hadn''t proposed was because he was saving for a ring. I understood that, and although he was traditional and didn''t want me to chip in, I did take over some of the smaller household expenses at that time. But I felt resentment about any money that he spent on things that weren''t necessities because I couldn''t wait to get engaged and wanted it to happen as soon as possible. I even caught myself making some ridiculous remarks about how upset I would be if close friends of mine got engaged before we did.

But the good news was, yes, the resentment totally went away the second we were engaged. I understood that the wait wasn''t because he wanted something different from me or wasn''t ready to commit, just a money issue. And since then we''ve worked together on money issues.

 

[Codependent Gal]

After Valentine''s Day I was pretty much ready to just be done with the relationship. Then he promised that he really wanted to do it now and that he wasn''t sure if he wanted to do it before but now he knows. I just am not sure that it needed to get to the point where I was ready to break up. It also makes me worry that maybe he will be like this about everything else. When we do get engaged, is he going to have to be pushed to agree on anything about the wedding? Is he going to put off setting a date and actually getting married? It is just so frustrating. He says that he hates that I have been pressuring him, but it isn''t like he was going to do it on his own. I tried not saying anything and seeing what would happen and he wasn''t running out and buying a ring and planning to propose then. It was only when I told him that I didn''t want to speak to him anymore if he didn''t want to marry me.

I repeatedly told him that it was fine if he didn''t plan on proposing to me and he didn''t HAVE to want to marry me, but that he should tell me if that was the case because being married is important to me and I don''t want to stay in a relationship that isn''t leading to marriage, but he always said "someday". That would piss me off so much! At least now he has given me a date that he came up with on his own (that happens to coincide with the date that I gave myself) and if he doesn''t do it by then I know that I am done. Frankly, the whole ordeal is just so exhausting and I don''t even like talking about it anymore.

 

[mimzy]

Brooklyngirl, have no fear.

I felt a lot of resentment towards my FI in the months leading up to the engagement (for a number of reasons i''d rather not rehash). I was really scared that i wouldn''t even be happy about it when it did happen, and that i would never get over the months of disappointment that led up to it.

the last couple weeks or so before we got engaged i was such a knot of emotion (good and bad) that it all sort of canceled it all out, and when the proposal did happen, i was.......very happy. very happy and relieved. i''ll be completely honest - all the anxiety did put a little damper on it for me, as all the hurt and anger were still very fresh in my mind/heart. i wish that i had been able to have a better handle on it prior to (although i still maintain that i did the best i could), because it really is the last thing that you want to associate any negativity with. but it didn''t make the moment any less special, of course


Luckly, like most things in the past, i got over it pretty quickly. we''ve been engaged almost three months and the VAST majority of the time i don''t even remember all the anger and anxiety that i felt, or that this is happening a lot later than i had wanted it to. every now and then i''ll remember and get a little twinge of anger, but it doesn''t last long, maybe a minute or two. i''ve been living at about a 10 on the happiness scale since then, and it hasn''t had any real long term effects.

so at the very least, take comfort in the fact that your anxiety is temporary and that you''ll soon enough forget you ever felt this way

 

[NewEnglandLady]

I''m going to be very honest and say that DH and I had to resolve my resentment issues during the first month we were engaged.

We were together for about 7 years before he proposed. I was ready for marriage around year 6, but he was not. I tried to be patient, but the minute I started feeling resentment I knew it wouldn''t go away. He wanted to be ready for marriage, in fact he proposed with no ring at one point, but we both quickly realized that it was just to make me happy. I moved out quickly thereafter. I told him that I loved him, but I wasn''t willing to put my life on hold any longer. He told me he loved me, but that he simply wasn''t ready and didn''t want to propose as a knee-jerk reaction to me leaving.

I moved half way across the country and adhered to no contact--he decided he needed some therapy to get over his fears. A few months later it hit him pretty hard that he wanted to marry me. He called me one evening and told me that if I still wanted his hand in marriage, he was 150% ready to propose and had booked a trip for us.

I seriously had to take a couple of days to think about it because my life had changed a great deal in those few months. And to be honest, I still had some resentment about me waiting for him for so long and him not being able to make the commitment. I called him back to tell him I would go on the trip with him, but that I thought we needed some pre-marital counseling to work through some of the issues that stemmed from his fear of commitment (i.e. I wanted to TRUST that he was 150% ready) and he was on board because he was still dealing with residual hurt from me moving out.

The trip was fantastic and we had a wonderful engagement, but the first month was focused on getting over some hurt that we''d inflicted on each other from his fear of commitment to my pressure. I''m glad that we got it all out of the way at the beginning of the engagement, but it did need to be dealt with so we could move on and enjoy the next step.

 

[brooklyngirl]

Thank you ladies, you are wonderful! I feel better, knowing that these feelings will go away is a great comfort.

Codependent - Hang in there! It really did help me (when I had my master plan to leave

) to know that on day x this would end. Maybe it wouldn''t be a favorable outcome, but it would end, I would be happy either way.

Thank you all again!

 

[brooklyngirl]

NEL, that's for replying. I have seen counseling mentioned here quite a bit, and but might be a really dumb question, but, what do peole do in counseling that makes feelings of resentment, etc. go away? If I do feel resentment after the engagement, how should I go about bringing it up to bf?

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I think it is a good thing to set time limits...it helps you maintain a sense of ownership over the process, because as a woman--we really have very little say in when a man purposes marriage, we can of course drop hints and slowly push him towards it, but the ball is in his court more or less. However, the key to setting a limit is following through! Before you go making empty threats about regaining your independance, you need to be sure that that is actually something you'd be able to do. Otherwise, you're going down a slippery slope.

If you threaten to leave, the first time you may get a reaction from him--sadness, panic, hurt, tears--whatever it is, if this is a "new" concept to him, he will "deal" with it. But, once you've used that as leverage and NOT followed through, you no longer have that card to deal because he will know that you're just saying it, and chances are you won't follow through. Empty threats will get you nowhere fast.

A better tactic is to make him want to marry you. A lot of woman want to push the man into marriage, because thats what they want. But, becareful how hard you push, because it may not get you the results you want. Women are more emotional, they are driven by feelings. Men are more analytical, they are driven by facts. So, if you want to seal the deal, make yourself irreplaceable. Understand that your time lines may be different, and communication is key to getting what you want. Never discuss anything when you're angry, because words are weapons...if you feel like you're getting frusterated, or impatient or feeling resentment, wait until you're calm and rational and can put your feelings into words he'll understand -- instead of "I'm just feeling this way because I am, okay?!?!?". Keeping a journal, or blogging is a good way to get past your anger...write a letter to him he'll never see where you can vent, vent, vent until you're past feeling sour and ready to be a rational lady.

My husband and I dated for 3 months before we got engaged...and he was the one that brought up getting married, and he was the one who started ring shopping...And to this day, we've never had a serious fight, we love each madly, and our relationship is amazing on all levels. I'm proud of what we have...and I hope the advice (most of it I used myself) helps you during the next few months!

 

[choro72]

I completely understand brooklyngirl feelings, and I''m also glad that the ladies get over their resentment one way or another.

When my bf was stalling the ring search process, I told him that the ring isn''t what I''m looking for. I wanted the effort and his act of announcing his intent of a lifelong commitment with me. He said that he was taking time because he wanted to find the perfect ring. My reply was the I would be happier with a crappy ring with a proposal. Even if he got the most beautiful ring, I would be upset if he took too long, and I took that as him not taking my wishes seriously (it''s a status thing for him to get the best ring...Not because I want it)

Date: 3/3/2008
Author: Codependent Gal

At this point, if he does propose like he has promised I think that I am just going to feel like it FINALLY happened, and I don''t think that it will be as happy as it could have been if we didn''t have to go through all of this to finally get engaged. I don''t know though.

Codependent Gal, I hope your day comes very soon. I completely know what you mean by this. I used to silently cry at the thought of getting engaged to my bf, because I imagined myself being hateful when he proposes. I couldn''t imagine being happy with the ring. Then of course I cried again because I felt so guilty about it, and that this process should be a joyous occasion...

My bf turned around, and it seems like yours has too. Hugs to all ladies who are patiently waiting!

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Hey, Brooklyn,

We talked openly about the hurt we both experienced. In all fairness, we understood each other completely. I respected hiim for not proposing before he was ready and he respected me for not waiting around for him, but it was still hard on us. Having a place we could talk about it objectively (at the therapists office) was helpful. We also talked about his process of getting over his cold feet, which was good for me to understand the root of his fears.

I don't think most cases of cold feet were as bad as my DH's, nor do I think most women's reactions were as severe as mine, so I don't think in most cases there is much to work out. But I don't think the resentment just disappears and it it is perfectly okay to lay it out on the table so that you can both deal with it.

P.S. Codependent, I wish you the best! I definitely remember how you're feeling, I worried about the same thing. While in therapy I talked to him about how I wanted him to take on all the initial wedding tasks--he booked the venue, chose the date, etc. and he was happy to do it all (and very quickly). He said that he didn't want to propose until he was completely ready to be married, so when we got engaged waiting even 7 months for the wedding seemed like a LONG time. And now he's more ready to buy a house, start a family, etc. than I am. For him, deciding to get married included all of those things.

 

[Miscka]

NEL-you make a really good point as usual. I really think that for men, being ready for engagement is the same as being ready for marriage, a family, a house, etc. where as I think women see it as more of a step towards these things. I think that accounts for some of the time gap that can occur. I know my BF used to think that engagement meant immediate marriage, where I thought of engagement as a longer period of time. Mars and Venus I guess.

Brooklyngirl, I have also wondered the same things you are asking, and I was very interested in reading the responses. I hope that everything works out for you, and you are able to take joy in your engagement and not think of the frustration.

 

[Codependent Gal]

I think that my boyfriend will basically consider himself to be married when he proposes, and I think that is why it has been such a big deal. I''m glad that there are others on this board like me. I don''t really feel that I fit in with the group who know that their boyfriend has a ring and are just waiting for him to propose any day. And while I feel that now he is finally ready, it has been a long hard road to get to this point. I "lurked" on this forum for months and it helped to read about other people who were going as crazy as I was!

 

[jbear]

Well, I just found out a friend of mine just got engaged to her guy of less than 1.5 years. And the first thing I thought afer "I''m happy for her" was:

"GRRR. I hate my BF! I want to put firey hot sauce in his sandwich that I''m making for his lunch tomorrow, which by the way he never makes lunch for me and is probably taking it for granted, so screw making hiis stupid lunch, he can make his own that ungrateful *&*^%**..." and so on. Talk about some resentment issues... My friend''s BF is in a training program and makes very little money right now. So we assumed he wouldn''t be able to propose until much, much later. All I could think was, if a guy wants to marry you enough, he''ll find a way. And that made me resent my BF even more, since we''ve been dating longer and he''s more financially sound.

I guess for me it comes from thinking that at some point you should just KNOW. And once you know you should just want to make it happen. (I''m not talking about people who have big goals to accomplish first like school, or those who need to get more financially set, or some other legitimate reason). If this is really the person you want to spend your life with, then shouldn''t you be thrilled to start your married lives off together? Marriage is that total committment that this person is entwined to you for life, the beginning of a collective family unit, starting with the two of you (even for those who don''t see children in the furture). I can''t wait to start this journey with him, so why isn''t he as excited about this as I am? We are both in steady, established life situations. Most importantly, he says he wants to marry me, so just what is he waiting for??!!??? Shouldn''t he want this as much as me, and if not, then is this a lopsided relationship? And just who is he to make my timeframe a hostage to his??

So I want to scream. But then... I realize that every guy is different, and each needs to feel like they did things in their own way. Some will propose in a month. Others take longer. I have a lot of admiration for those ladies who patiently waited 5-10 years. Sometimes it''s not that they don''t want to marry you, it''s that this is truly a large step that needs to be done perfectly for them. So I wait. But it is hard, and every now and then I want to pop him one.

 

[chocolatefudge]

I completely understand where you''re coming from! Little things have really been bugging me lately:

SO has been talking about how much he''s been earning the last couple of months at work and how well he''s doing...... Erm, ok, so why are you telling me that we aren''t getting engaged because you can''t afford a ring??

When I talk about getting engaged he says REALLY annoying things like, "Well who else do we know that''s getting married?" What!?!? What has that got to do with anything?? I must admit I do sometimes say things like, "Everyone else is asking their girlfriends...." Mental note- Must stop that.

When I try and set some sort of timeline he says,"So I''ve got to tell you the exact minute of the exact day I''m doing it? I don''t know when it''s going to happen!" He doesn''t know?!? So he can''t be seriously thinking about it, right?

Some days he will have great converstaions with me about the future and other days he gets really annoyed. What''s going on??

I hate it when he uses money as an excuse not to propose as I know he could have saved up if he wanted to and that does make me feel resentful. I just feel like if he really wanted to ask me then he would find ways and means of doing it. I''m going to stop ranting now.......

The absoloute worst thing though (yes I am carrying on!) is when I hear of people who have been together literally a fraction of the time we have announcing their engagements. Jelaous thoughts tear through my body! All I can think is, "He must love her so much to want to ask her already!"

 

[Erin]

Date: 3/4/2008 12:46:24 PM
Author: chocolatefudge
All I can think is, ''He must love her so much to want to ask her already!''

I walked away from my five year relationship. Frustrated, resentful, and sad as He^^ that it wasn''t even close to his time.

That thought you posted would ring through me, so many times. What a cruel thought to consider. But is it true? Look where we let our minds go.

I walked away, and he''s still calling me a year later wanting to go to lunch, or chat, or whatever. I won''t have it. He waited too long.


I think that''s my storybook fairytale. That I find someone who I won''t have to wait for. Because he loves me so much? Maybe.

 

[brooklyngirl]

Date: 3/3/2008 8:07:39 PM
Author: NewEnglandLady
Hey, Brooklyn,

We talked openly about the hurt we both experienced. In all fairness, we understood each other completely. I respected hiim for not proposing before he was ready and he respected me for not waiting around for him, but it was still hard on us. Having a place we could talk about it objectively (at the therapists office) was helpful. We also talked about his process of getting over his cold feet, which was good for me to understand the root of his fears.

I don''t think most cases of cold feet were as bad as my DH''s, nor do I think most women''s reactions were as severe as mine, so I don''t think in most cases there is much to work out. But I don''t think the resentment just disappears and it it is perfectly okay to lay it out on the table so that you can both deal with it.

P.S. Codependent, I wish you the best! I definitely remember how you''re feeling, I worried about the same thing. While in therapy I talked to him about how I wanted him to take on all the initial wedding tasks--he booked the venue, chose the date, etc. and he was happy to do it all (and very quickly). He said that he didn''t want to propose until he was completely ready to be married, so when we got engaged waiting even 7 months for the wedding seemed like a LONG time. And now he''s more ready to buy a house, start a family, etc. than I am. For him, deciding to get married included all of those things.

Thanks NEL!. We have talked about my feelings (like I mentioned before his ski trip) and I have to say I did feel much better, and quite vindicated that he admitted he should have proposed earlier. I felt good for a while but then the resentment started creeping back up. I suppose because he hasn''t proposed yet. I think the more we talk about it the better I will feel. Maybe all I need is an apology form him (but I doubt I''ll get it).

To be honest, I had an idea about 6 months into our relationship about what our pre-engagement state would be like, and I was spot on. At 6 months I dropped the L-bomb. He said it back, but I could tell he was startled by it, and didn''t really mean it. A few days later he did confess that he wasn''t there yet. Hello rejection

. The next 3 months were a series of LIW type breakdowns for me, and I was at the point where I was ready to end it, but he said the 3 magic works in the nick of time. This is the the first serious relationship for the both of us, and had I been more experience, I would have left at the 6 month mark. Never did get an apology, but I was happy that he came around.

I have gotten over that since then, but sometimes I remember it when I get frustrated about the proposal, and get mad at bf because it seems I am taking in all the painful stuff that comes along with a relationship. Hopefully once he proposes I won''t have to think about it anymore.

 

[Codependent Gal]

Oh my God! My boyfriend is the same way. I have to be ready to leave him before he''ll do anything it seems like. I said I loved him before he told me too, and getting him to tell me he loved me had to be this big huge deal for him too. He also admitted that he should have proposed already, and I was like "Uhm, ok so why are we still talking about it then?". If he can tell me that he should have done it already, why doesn''t he already have a ring? If he KNOWS that it should have already happened, then how can he sit there and say that he''ll do it in two months when he could have done it for my birthday, or Christmas or New Years Eve or Valentine''s Day and it would have been just fine, but he has to wait until the Spring? WHY?? I don''t think that he has been planning some type of elaborate proposal or that he has been having a ring custom made for the past few months, I just think that he was never going to do it unless he knows that I will leave him. I know that these are not the best feelings to be having when one is expecting an upcoming proposal, but I can''t help it!

 

[brooklyngirl]

Codependent -- are you dating my bf???

I''m glad to know I''m not the only one! This whole thing is just so frustrating because none of us are really prepared. No one on this board expected their pre-engagement stage to be anything but pleasant (blame the media, etc.). I will try to think of think time as preparation for marriage, now is as good a time as any to harden up

. I really hope you get your proposal soon.

 

[Codependent Gal]

I wonder if he knows that I really want to cut my hair short, but I have been keeping it long for the past year because I want to have long hair at my wedding. It also pisses me off that I had to google "boyfriend doesn't want to get married" to find this place and I am not on here strictly because we as a couple are interested in looking for the best diamond possible. He spends his time researching things such as high definition televisions and blu ray DVD players, fantasy football and the best ways to save the most money for retirement. I think that it would be easier if he didn't have the money for a ring but really wanted to get engaged, but he has more than enough money to buy a really nice ring.

I think that I am so frustrated at this point because we are now in our late 20s. I feel like this is my last chance - if I don't end up marrying him, I feel like I have one last chance to find someone else before it's too late to be able to marry someone else and have a few years of being married without having children. I fear that i will get to be 30 and marry any nerd or loser that I might be dating at the time. I really don't like the sense of urgency I feel. He is good looking and tall and successful and I know that a lot of other women find him to be very desirable. I don't want to have visible crows feet, grey hair and jiggly upper arms in my wedding pictures! I know that I *should* be out buying my own home and having a great job and not worrying about getting married so much, but I can't help it.. auurgh. This is just a particularly bad day for me, I am not usually this bad. I think that I am feeling a lot of anxiety because I want to believe that he is really going to propose in two months but I am conflicted because I don't know if I really believe that it is going to happen this time and I am also feeling angry because I never thought that getting engaged would be so hard. Am I going to have to tell our grandchildren "Oh, your pop-pop didn't want to marry your gam-gam but I gave him several ultimatums and was a real psycho until he finally coughed up a ring, it was so romantic!"?

 

[cammy85]

It''s definitely nice to see my feelings are mirrored in other people as well. I wouldn''t go as far as saying I have resentment, per se, but DAMN do i get frustrated sometimes. We''ve been together nearly 3 years. What gets me angry is not really waiting for it, but having all sorts of other people asking "So, did you get any BIG QUESTIONS recently?" "Any news on a ring front?" "What is taking you guys so long?" (from my friend dating her SO for a matter of months before he popped the Q)

We are talking about purchasing somewhere to live, but to live together we would need to be married, so even looking at stuff or budgeting for things, it is in my face all the time that we aren''t even engaged. Looking for a house may be real for him, but if I can''t even think about moving in, it''s still just a ''hypothetical'' thing.

So I think if it was just us, I wouldn''t really care, I LOVE the time I get to spend with him, and when the whole ''ring-issue'' isn''t in our faces, it''s fantastic. But it seems like once I start seeing the proposal commercials, or have people asking me about getting engaged, or wondering what''s taking so long - that''s when I get frustrated.

I am learning to tune them out, and finding myself a lot happier. It really lets me just enjoy spending my time with him which, IMHO, should be the most important thing of all. If you''re going to be together for the rest of your life, what''s a few more months/years?

Sort of a vent, sort of a story. I apologize if I lost y''all along the way.

 

[brooklyngirl]

Date: 3/4/2008 3:46:53 PM
Author: Codependent Gal
I wonder if he knows that I really want to cut my hair short, but I have been keeping it long for the past year because I want to have long hair at my wedding. It also pisses me off that I had to google 'boyfriend doesn't want to get married' to find this place and I am not on here strictly because we as a couple are interested in looking for the best diamond possible. He spends his time researching things such as high definition televisions and blu ray DVD players, fantasy football and the best ways to save the most money for retirement. I think that it would be easier if he didn't have the money for a ring but really wanted to get engaged, but he has more than enough money to buy a really nice ring.

I think that I am so frustrated at this point because we are now in our late 20s. I feel like this is my last chance - if I don't end up marrying him, I feel like I have one last chance to find someone else before it's too late to be able to marry someone else and have a few years of being married without having children. I fear that i will get to be 30 and marry any nerd or loser that I might be dating at the time. I really don't like the sense of urgency I feel. He is good looking and tall and successful and I know that a lot of other women find him to be very desirable. I don't want to have visible crows feet, grey hair and jiggly upper arms in my wedding pictures! I know that I *should* be out buying my own home and having a great job and not worrying about getting married so much, but I can't help it.. auurgh. This is just a particularly bad day for me, I am not usually this bad. I think that I am feeling a lot of anxiety because I want to believe that he is really going to propose in two months but I am conflicted because I don't know if I really believe that it is going to happen this time and I am also feeling angry because I never thought that getting engaged would be so hard. Am I going to have to tell our grandchildren 'Oh, your pop-pop didn't want to marry your gam-gam but I gave him several ultimatums and was a real psycho until he finally coughed up a ring, it was so romantic!'?

OMG! Same here with the hair. Although he knows I'm not cutting it because of the impending wedding. He knows my intent with respect to the wedding on a lot of things. I can't stand to keep my bit mouth shut for too long

!

On a more serious note, don't worry too much about what you she be doing by now. Do what makes you happy be it with bf or without. Give him his 2 months, and then if nothing happens you can leave with a happy heart, knowing that you did everything you could to make it work. In the meantime concentrate on you. Make sure you have a place to go if things don't work out, and start saving up for that house!

Even if this relationship doesn't work out, it gave you wisdom, and next time around you can do things differently if you so choose.

The way I started looking at it is that it may work out, but it might not. All I know is that I gave it my all, and I will be happy when the waiting ends, no matter how it ends. I think in the end you'll he happy too.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Codependent, it might not be a bad idea to use these last 2 months to start preparing for your life without him just in case. I used the last month of our relationship to fly out and find a "just in case" apartment. I also packed away as much as I could. Mentally, I was preparing myself to move on. When his self-imposed deadline passesd (again, he did propose, but within weeks I knew it wasn''t working), it made it much, much easier for me to move on. I quickly booked the apartment I''d found, packed the rest of my stuff and had my one-way ticket home in a jiffy. I know it sounds a wee bit depressing, but it''s always good to have a backup plan. If he pulls through, then great, you won''t have to worry about following through on any of the things you were prepared to do. But if he doesn''t pull through you don''t want to be stuck saying "what do I do now?" Instead, you''ll have already prepared.

And if you want to get your hair cut short, go for it! I''ve never had long hair, but I did get a nice chop after leaving and loved it. We got married less than a year later, which was plenty of time for it to grow out again.

And don''t worry, if he proposes it''s going to be fantastic no matter how he does it. When DH called me months after I left to tell me he was ready he said "I don''t want to propose like this because I don''t want to have to tell our kids that their Dad had to propose over the phone after screwing up badly. Please take this trip with me next week so I can give you a real proposal". He ended up taking me to Paris and it was amazing, but you''d better believe that when we have kids they''re going to hear about that phone call, haha.

Just know that we''re all here if you need to vent. Every woman has her own breaking point and none of ours are the same. I know how frustrating it can be, but i hope it works out for the best.